Zoo Hill Time Trial: Triple Dip into the Pain Pool
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks but you can grab a beer and watch that old dog do the same stupid thing over and over again, which is almost the same as a doing trick. On an unrelated note, I find myself, for the third year running, staring down the business end of the week approaching the Climb4Cancer time trial up Zoo Hill in Issaquah, Washington.
Zoo Hill is perhaps the most diabolical climb I know of, and I include in that statement the various cobbled bergs we tackled in Belgium this year, as well as the considerable heap of climbs around the US and Europe that I’ve had the great pleasure of hauling my too fat to climb carcass up. The trouble with this particular climb is the ferocity of the lower pitches which give way to a dead-straight final section of road consisting of ever-steepening rollers.
There is no keeping the powder dry on the ramps that litter the bottom half of the climb; this is an á bloc, stay-alive effort which serves to mop up speed and morale in equal measure. By the time you make the right-hand turn onto the sinister second half of the climb, your guns are fried and lungs hemorrhaging V resin. This section of road is nearly straight (which Science has proven is the most annoying kind of road to climb) and consists of a series of rollers which gain in gradient and culminate with the longest and steepest of them. This section is made physically daunting by the already-blown guns at your disposal, and mentally devastating by the fact that even if you could remember how many rollers there are in total, there is no way you can remember how many you’ve already sorted. (The answers are always “too many” and “not enough”, respectively.)
Riding this section during recon, it’s tempting to imagine moving Sur La Plaque and using the momentum from the short descents to fly up the next roller and thus dispatching with this comparatively easier section without much ado. Arriving here during the race, however, one faces an alternate reality consisting of legs reduced to quivering lumps of useless flesh, and rather than slipping into the big ring, ghost-shifting into a non-existent lower gear.
I look forward to my next attempt at bettering my time up Haleakala in Hawaii, which represents an unrelenting 60km ride from sea level to 3,000 meters, dished out in a massive four-hour helping of serial suffering. But I find nothing but dread in my heart when I cast my mind to the quarter of an hour of comprehensive pain I will endure on Saturday.
Donations Update
This event is organized to support cancer research with donations going to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. The Climb4Cancer Charity has arranged for donation-matching; for those of you who donated prior to the event, your contributions were given in the name of the Velominati Community. Thanks to you all for your support.
@frank holy SHEET that third photo puts it in perspective. Man, I might have to visit my friends in Steilacoom around this time next year. That looks killer!
@frank
I’ll pony up this evening as I don’t think either of us is a douchebag.
I think you will be a DNF because you don’t maintain your bike properly.
13:48!
Good luck Frank!
I recon you’ll get close to breaking into the 13min mark but painfully will not…
14:01
@Sauterelle
I like you even more now…
@Anais Ninja
Best name ever.
@frank 14:05
14:10
14:13. That is if @frank doesn’t fucking get lost. Maybe write a cue sheet on the top tube?
Weather is dry for Saturday; I’ve got you tearing this up. G’luck! And Rule #10.
13.26 not taken yet, from the looks of it? Here goes, then… 13, and 2×13 – (13 being my lucky number…)
Frank, residues of the mystic mojo of the kasseikes and muurkes are still to be found in your guns somewhere. Bring it out and smash that hill to bits. 13.26 – You can do it. Best of luck!
I haven’t read the thread, but I reckon you will get overexcited and explode completely half way up, weave around on the hill, then fall down a ravine aka Chris Horner
17 mins and 84 secs
Damn Frank. How is it, when you describe it like that, I absolutely crave a crack at it? An ascent into the green hell indeedy.
Bon route.
Sign me up for 14:14, which surely must be much luckier than 13:13. Oh, and I hope you crush it.
Thanks to everyone who has made a contribution so far; we’re making our way towards a nice little donation.
@Buck Rogers 13:41
@RedRanger13:33
@Mikael Liddy 13.56
@roger 13:58
@girl 13:53
@Adrian 13:02
@Duende 13:49
@snoov 13:13, the unluckiest possible time, surely
@Dan_R 13:22
@Chris 14:21, bastid
@Sauterelle 12:58
@Anais Ninja 14:13
@Xyverz 14:02
@el mateo 14:01
@San Tonio 14:05
@mcsqueak 13:45
@urbanwhitetrash 14:00 (@James 13:47)
@scaler911 13:18 (who is also DS’ing the effort)
@SuperFed 14:18
@Nate 14:03
@Kevin 13:55
@seemunkee 13:39
@meursault 12:00
@Souleur 13:35
@ramenvelo 14:07
@xyxax 13:50
@motor city 12:45
@Rob 15:10
@Cyclops 12:03
@brett 12:52
@napolinige 13:59
@G’phant 13:31
@heinous 14:47
@DerHoggz 13:28
@moondance 13:47
@Smithers 14:06
@MJ Moquin 13:25
@taon24 14:12
@ten B 13:36
@mouse 13:40
@Jellybean 14:01
@Jeff in PetroMetro 14:05
@Flying Crowbar 14:10
@eightzero 14:13
@ErikdR 13:26
@Dr C 17:84
@ralph 14:14
@eightzero
HA!
@eightzero
+1 *ZING*
Because I Am A Giver, I have produced an updated version of the list sorted by time prediction. As noted, there are several contenders for the same time in a few spots; I leave it to frank to work that out:
12:00 @meursault
12:03 @Cyclops
12:45 @motor city
12:52 @brett
12:58 @Sauterelle
13:02 @Adrian
13:13 @snoov (the unluckiest possible time, surely)
13:18 @scaler911 (who is also DS’ing the effort)
13:22 @Dan_R
13:25 @MJ Moquin
13:26 @ErikdR
13:28 @DerHoggz
13:31 @G’phant
13:33 @RedRanger
13:35 @Souleur
13:36 @ten B
13:39 @seemunkee
13:40 @mouse
13:41 @Buck Rogers
13:45 @mcsqueak
13:47 @moondance
13:49 @Duende
13:50 @xyxax
13:53 @girl
13:55 @Kevin
13:56 @Mikael Liddy
13:58 @roger
13:59 @napolinige
14:00 @urbanwhitetrash (@James 13:47)
*** Houston, we have a problem
14:01 @Jellybean
14:01 @el mateo
*** Houston, we have a problem
14:02 @Xyverz
14:03 @Nate
*** Houston, we have a problem
14:05 @Jeff in PetroMetro
14:05 @San Tonio
*** Houston, we have a problem
14:06 @Smithers
14:07 @ramenvelo
14:10 @Flying Crowbar
14:12 @taon24
*** Houston, we have a problem
14:13 @eightzero
14:13 @Anais Ninja
*** Houston, we have a problem
14:14 @ralph
14:18 @SuperFed
14:21 @Chris (bastid)
14:47 @heinous
15:10 @Rob
17:84 @Dr C
I’ll revise to 14:15 to resolve the conflict w/ @Anais Ninja.
I’ll stick with my list just because it has the links and I can to double-check them easily, but @ralph, please feel free to update it again if more people decide to make a mockery of my ability to ride a bike.
@Buck Rogers 13:41
@RedRanger13:33
@Mikael Liddy 13.56
@roger 13:58
@girl 13:53
@Adrian 13:02
@Duende 13:49
@snoov 13:13, the unluckiest possible time, surely
@Dan_R 13:22
@Chris 14:21, bastid
@Sauterelle 12:58
@Anais Ninja 14:13
@Xyverz 14:02
@el mateo 14:01
@San Tonio 14:05
@mcsqueak 13:45
@urbanwhitetrash 14:00 (@James 13:47)
@scaler911 13:18 (who is also DS’ing the effort)
@SuperFed 14:18
@Nate 14:03
@Kevin 13:55
@seemunkee 13:39
@meursault 12:00
@Souleur 13:35
@ramenvelo 14:07
@xyxax 13:50
@motor city 12:45
@Rob 15:10
@Cyclops 12:03
@brett 12:52
@napolinige 13:59
@G’phant 13:31
@heinous 14:47
@DerHoggz 13:28
@moondance 13:47
@Smithers 14:06
@MJ Moquin 13:25
@taon24 14:12
@ten B 13:36
@mouse 13:40
@Jellybean 14:01
@Jeff in PetroMetro 14:05
@Flying Crowbar 14:10
@eightzero 14:15
@ErikdR 13:26
@Dr C 17:84
@ralph 14:14
@Marcus
I’ll only DNF if I rip the BB out or break a crankarm. But I’m also considering bringing a spare bike just in case.
By the way, I’ve asked @marko to text me right before the start saying, “You look strong, Fronky boy!” and then I’ll be off with my face in the wind like a dog out a car window.
Machine is cleaned and prep’d for the ride. Made some critical, race-deciding changes.
First, I installed shorter valve extenders. This is better than brass because its lighter, and I installed some pretty short ones so I don’t carry all that dead weight around with every wheel revolution. Probably gained about 15% right there.
Cleaned the drivetrain, she’s hummin’ like a song.
And, most importantly, I yanked that dead weight of my Zipp carbon cages off the frame. Didn’t even put the bolts back in because they are like lead.
Shaved at litterally fractions of grams by making these adjustments.
The bike is all set, kit laid out, gear in the V-Mussette. Getting phyched.
@Frank Nice work, my valves are looking gargantuan by comparison and I can feel the drag from the grime on my drivetrain (which I did clean, but not quite to your standards). I have, however, treated my machine to some new bar tape (white, of course), which I’m hoping will give me a psychological boost worth at least 10 seconds. Oh, and I removed one bidon cage but kept the other for warm-up hydration, although now I’m reconsidering that choice… I can’t believe how much thought I put into a ride that will hopefully take less than fifteen minutes!
@ralph Thank you for pointing out the duplicates. It startled me when you referenced Houston. Since I still live here. Which is a problem.
@frank I’ll be the optimist. I move my prognostication to 14:04.
@frank
I predict you will shatter the 12:00 barrier if @marko simply texts the message, “I just posted an emoticon.” Your rage will take care of the rest.
Nice work, Frank! Fuck those cage bolts.
The harrier jet pilot looks like he could fit in a jersey pocket. And that corner looks like a nightmare.
Good luck!
@frank
Frank, you have ruined my concept of saddle to bar drop. Good luck tomorrow.
@frank
Lookin good brother. My only concern is that you won’t be able to get your tyres to the proper BAR, cause your floor pumps suck serious ass. At least I know what to get you for Christmas.
@DerHoggz
True story, I’ve seen other pictures of Franks’s bike, but I still am amazed. I look at my own machine and hang my head in shame.
@frank good luck, mate
Bit of grime on your 14. 13:44.
Good luck and good legs and don’t have any fun until it’s over. Then go nuts.
Frank, back at you but with love and fond memories of our night in Newark… Really I just want the bar enders but now Dr. C has put my plan in jeopardy so maybe have a Schecanical and lose time but in reality, except for the lost time you have done a sub 12 ride. That way I win! and you save face?
No really fly up that thing – have a great ride! We wait to hear Wiggo’s and Franko’s times…
I got nothing. I’ve lost my guessing mojo.
I hope your better half is going to DS for you. You need someone yelling Venga Venga Venga from an over-driven bullhorn.
Get a good warm up, rev the heart up good during the warm up and kill that sucka. The bike, sans cages looks killer. Damn.
@frank
Sweet Jeebus that’s a good looking bike…if nothing else you’ll be the most fantastic looking fucker to roll over the start line!
I just put the climb into the Google Machine: http://www.bicycleclimbs.com/climbdetail.aspx?ClimbId=6
And I’m somewhat surprised you didn’t save some weight by removing the brakes. Surely you won’t be needing them whilst climbing!
@Mikael Liddy
Agree – although unless my eyes are deceiving me, there’s an egregious violation of Rule #41 happening. I could understand a TT exception, but it doesn’t look even close to horizontal. Say it ain’t so, Frank! There must be a valid explanation!
@ten B good eye, took me a while to even see the QR! Sort that shit out stat @frank
15:00 flat. Good luck, Frank!
13.34
since you have now made those weight changing changes, and have licked your chain clean to within a micrometer of its life, I shall revise my estimate down to 13.34
That is unless you get overexcited and explode completely half way up, weave around on the hill, then fall down a ravine aka Chris Horner
Good hunting
@xyxax
vierljeppen – literally jump far
Alright Frank, Huphuphuphuphup!!!
@Adrian
Did you ever do it? Blasting Van Halen, “Go ahead and vierljeppen”?
They do it near our house most years but never actually tried it.
Bad spelling should be fierljeppen – bloody Autospell
Wasps swallowed. Life hated. Waiting for results to be posted. Somewhere between 13:30 and 14:30 based on my handlebar clock.
@Frank You would have went under 12:00 if your QR was in the right position.
Loser.
@Gianni
I DS’d him via text messages. Like a race radio. But once I set him free at 0918, he was on his own. I’m sure he’ll make us proud.
In other news, I was out riding around the west hills of PDX with @McSqueak and @superfed (who climbs like a lion I must say), and while we were stopped at a viewpoint overlooking the city/ valley/ Mt Hood, an older couple came up and started chatting us up about how they loved “The Rules”. They were from NY and even went so far as to do a Rule #7 inspection on us. Good stuff.
So what happened?
Bueller? … Anyone? …. Bueller?
Was just thinking “yeah, likely need to clean my drivetrain.” Then I saw Frank’s pics. Now I KNOW I gotta clean my drivetrain. I feel great shame.
^ Honest to God, Merckx, and My Sainted Mother.