Breaking The Rules: #29
As we gingerly assembled outside the gite, the Belgian sun shining for the first time in the three days we’d been in the spiritual home of cycling, the conversation was muted; what do you say to a legend of the sport, an apostle in his parish about to hold a sermon on two wheels? I can’t recall who it was who said it, but I remember the sentiment. Something along the lines of “yeah, we do that because that’s a Rule”. The rebuttal was swift and concise, its message with little to zero chance of being misinterpreted.
“NO RULES!”
I felt the collective wind rapidly leaving the sails of everyone within earshot. Those who didn’t hear it could sense that something was amiss.
When you have been told in no uncertain terms that the very essence of what you have built your reputation, your persona, indeed your identity on doesn’t mean a thing to someone you presumed would be a poster boy for all things Pro and style, it’s like being given the keys to a Ferrari then discovering it’s fitted with a speed limiter set to 60kmh. As we rolled through the farm tracks, byways and cobbled climbs around Kemmel, the Apostle seemed now keen to learn more of The Rules and what they encompassed in relation to not exactly looking Pro, but Looking Fantastic. This seemed to sit better with our guest, and by the end of the ride the “no rules” statement was long forgotten. But the sentiment was easier for us to comprehend; you can make the rules, you can bend them, even break them if you want, but if you must flout them, then do it with the same ideals with which you would obey them.
Which brings us to one of the most divisive Rules in the set; #29. “A saddle bag has no place on a road bike…” I think I even coined this particular one, and have been a long time advocate of its use. And because of my strict adherence to it, my bike always looked great but my jersey pockets started to resemble a camel named Humphrey. There was so much crap stuffed in there that my lower back would ache on any ride longer than down to the corner shop. Items were discarded ad hoc until the real danger was never being able to make it home without the help of a pump-wielding, tube-proffering riding mate.
I found what I thought might be the solution; a tiny ‘tube pack’ from Continental, which velcro’d to the seat rails like so many other packs, but was barely noticeable (by comparison). At least until you rode over anything rougher than the smoothest seal, when the Co2 canister inside would rattle itself against the seat base relentlessly and annoy the crap out of me (and anyone within a 2km radius). I’ve had it eject itself from my seat at the most inopportune times. So I’d stuff it into my jersey pocket, and be pretty much back at square one, only a slightly neater square one.
Our partnership with fizik gots me to thinkin’ though, and their small saddle pack looked at least like it had a cool mounting system with no chance of it rattling against the seat. Why the hell not? Now, while this pack is small and stylish, it’s still a saddle pack, and I’ll never really be a fan. They just cloud the aesthetic of any bike. But I’ve never been one to shy away from experimentation. Here’s the results so far:
Yes, it’s pretty compact. I can easily stuff a tube, 2 Co2 canisters, a lever, glueless patch kit and a multitool in there (though I never carry a tool). I’m sure another tube and a fair bit of useless stuff could be squeezed in too. Yes, the mounting system is cool, if you have a fizik saddle; it slides into the slot built into the base and can be adjusted to the angle best suited to the seat. If you don’t have a fizik saddle (why the hell not?) then there’s a velcro strap version too. But when mounted, the pack sticks out quite a way behind the saddle, which looks a bit weird to my eyes. So I struck on a solution; undo the hinge bolt on the pack’s mount, slide it out and turn the mounting arm around. Then slip it into the mounting slot from under the saddle (the front rather than the rear) and voila… tucked away nicely, looks way tidier and still easily accessible.
But, it’s still a saddle bag. While a functional, good looking one, the fact remains that any saddle bag looks worse than none at all. I can’t see it gracing my bike except for very long rides, when the maximum of gear needs to be carried. So if you’re going to mess with Rule #29, do it in style, keep it small, tidy and only filled with the bare essentials. I’m sure even an Apostle will back me up on this one.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/[email protected]/rule 29/”/]
@unversio I pegged you for more of a bear, not a leather man. Surely a bottom either way. My bad.
@brett
My Lezyne pressure drive is not mounted to my frame. It’s mounted to my bidon cage. And I can’t even see it underneath my bidon. Plus it matches. Article to follow…
@scaler911
That just went over my head.
@marko
You know; Moses, the guy who gave us the 10 commandments in the christian bible (#3ish: thou shalt not bang thy neighbors wife or some shit like that). Apologies to all the religious VM out there.
Wow – I’ve always loved my Fizik ICS clip saddle bag but thought it stuck out too far.
This is an awesome solution.
I know what Rule #29 says – but there’s nothing like the feeling of climbing with nothing but air in your jersey pockets.
@scaler911 so he’s like a Keeper of some sort?
@marko
I had forgotten that my Lezyne pump even came with mounting hardware until you ‘fessed to attaching yours to bidon cage. I’m now recalling that I concluded the mounting hardware belonged in the same place as presta valve caps.
@frank
It wouldn’t be as bad, if Bretto was in Queensland you’d mark this one off as wearing too many clothes on a hot day/too long spent destroying cane toads with a golf club. BUT the fucker’s in New Zealand, the home of rational rugged individualism, where common sense is airborne like the pollen in spring. This makes the offense more egregious, IMO and something I’m completely unable to understand.
@itburns This…
And by the way, this is the only seatbag you’ll ever see on my bikes:
@ten B
@marko
Just as bad and clinging just as wildly at justifications. Disgraceful. You better hope you both miss the next Boardroom meeting; I’m giving you sorry sacks a word or two.
Like your pressure drive is so big it won’t fit in your (oversized) jersey pockets? Get a grip. Its fucking tiny. Something Brett hears every day…
Further more, following on from my last astonished post : –
A few weeks ago I had to take my 5 year old daughter to task and grabbed her by the pony tail and dragged her kicking and screaming to the shed to get her to explain why her little bike had ribbons hanging from the handle bars and pink “spokey dokeys” on her wheels. Not to mention the basket on the bar with small flowers and a teddy bear residing in it. With a quivering jaw, she was unable to come up with a suitable explanation, so after reminding her of all the rules again, including #29 and in particular #5, I made her remove said objects and we burnt them in the wood fire. She was strangely upset by this but like this article, those things had no place on her fkn bike……
Now wash your mouth out with soap Sir.
Whiskey .. Tango .. Foxtrot happened to the real Velominati site ???
Who hacked this one? And can we please have it back unharmed.
It’s simple people … In jersey pockets, phone, card / cash, key(s), mini multi-tool,patches, pump and gel (only if ride is 100k+), arm warmers, gilet. On seat post, pr-eglued tubular tyre, neatly folded and stashed with a vintage Campagnolo foot strap. No other accoutrements to the seat post / saddle area will be tolerated !!!
@Barracuda To be clear;original post dumb. This sums up my feelings re the responses:
Brett endorsing a EMS? Oh boy you guys had me going for a while – best April Fools gag ever!
Wait.
What?
Fuck!
It’s September 5. What the hell is going on here?
@minion My original post, or the original post, or the original original post ? WTF
@Barracuda
Bretto’s post; Dumb.
Responses from readers, especially yours: Totally redeeming
@minion Ahhhhh well played then …. i thought I had been as equally stupid as Brett there for a minute …….. P.S. my 5 year old daughter is now in counselling over her rampant rule breaking and we hope for a full recovery…… perhaps I could suggest the number to Brett.
@marko
And your bidon cage is mounted to…?
it’s shocking to me that the Velominati are exhibiting the same qualities as the general public in that they only see/believe what they want to. Let’s recap…. Brett hates the EPMS! He used it one day and made the mistake of telling you about his indiscretion… and now he’s a heretic in your eyes. Great discussion. I still find myself looking for the perfect EPMS although I know deep in my heArt that it resides somewhere at the end of the rainbow.
@el mateo
And that is exactly the reason why I believe, forgive me if i am incorrect, that the “V” order is in place. To take us away from the very mundane and annoying lives of the “general public” and create an oasis of all things good and perfect.
From a famous actor and great scholar – ” Do or do not – there is no try ! “
@all EPMS users:
Dudes, EPMS suck. Period. What is going on, anyway? I may occasionally break some rules, but the saddle bag is just a step away from rocking the YJA and having a mirror attached to your helmet and then as you settle into all this, you begin to think your road bike is a bit uncomfy and turn to a recumbent……it’s a slippery slope.
Wowee, what a doozey! I’ve come back after a long time away from reading here, and I gotta say things really have changed quite some bit. The amount of Rules has expanded exponentially, and it seems the balance has gone from the escence of the ride, to what you and your bike look like. All written with humour of course.
I see the same awesome posts on venerable cyclists, style and equipment that previously drew me here, but now quite a bit of whinging about Rule infractions of the aesthetic kind. I think rather than trying to humiliate others and seeming like a self obsessed image concious nancy online, I’ll try to do my talking in the hills.
The only rule that matters to me is V.
@Beers I agree at the end of the day rule V is the true core. But man, some of these aesthetic rules are here for our own ggod, they definitely rescued me from hairy legs, for example. That being said, if you can’t dish out the V then it definitely all counts less.
@Cyclops
Wow – this just sums it up. Anyone still having trouble with this, just stare at this pic until it all becomes clear.
Then burn your goat’s ball sack.
@ten B
+infinity.
Best thing I’ve read for a while.
@Beers
This is just what we do for the sake of entertainment when we’re stuck at work and can’t get out on the bike. Arguing over how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, disparaging each others’ countries, etc.
I think you people need to start focusing less on the small issues like EPMS and start thinking about the bigger issues. Like what inspired OGE to do their call me maybe vid – namely the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders version.
It will restore your faith in humanity.
@sgt
Interestingly, that’s exactly what I was thinking of when I look at the Fizik one. Too Dangly.
Think I’ll stick with my Continental tube pack, or perhaps the Sci Con one. Much tidier.
@Barracuda
I’ve got images in my head of your little un running up to Bretto, belting him in the nuts, ripping the saddle bag off his bike, before nicking his wheels and beating him while he’s on the ground with a rusty seatpost. When you’re getting Rule V lessons from little girls, you should know you’ve fucked the dog.
@Marcus
Cheerleaders Looking Fantastic – check. Faith is becoming restored.
@Marcus
Australia’s first ever top level cycling team making asses of themselves emulating the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders? Yes indeed, everything is right in the world.
Can we JUST STOP with that fucking song?
@itburns
@Nate
My point was that the cheerleaders will restore your faith in humanity. Sorry if that was too subtle for you.
@itburns
There was a song? oh yeah you maybe right.
The rules are more guidelines really…
Guidelines for the path.
@Marcus
I prefer the Greenedge version.
@minion
That comes as no surprise at all…
First the frame pump now the saddle bag? Will the next article be about how it’s cool to ride a recumbent? Or a tandem? Or a unicycle? And the best way to put a saddle bag on those?
@mouse
Do those belong to Andy Schleck?
It’s bad enough I have to festoon my bike with blinky lights in order to ride at ungodly early hours. If I tried to put on an EPMS, I’m pretty sure my bike would rip it off and beat the fuck outta me with it.
My wife demanded I put one on her bike (to match the tri-bars, I guess), and now it’s hard for me to even look at it.
@brett
I don’t really think you’re in a position to be mouthing off, mister. Nice try.
Mrs Engine wants a basket on the front of her new bike – what can i say?
@el mateo
Correct. In the DUSTBIN at the end of the rainbow.
@minion
Little girls are the secret key to The V. A week or two ago, I came upon a little girl and her older brother pushing their bikes up a highway overpass.
As I passed by, I heard the girl ask the boy, “Why are we pushing our bikes and not riding them?”
The boy said, “Because we don’t have any speed.”
The girl pauses thoughtfully, “But don’t you make speed by riding?”
@scaler911
The Big Ring is Lord and Merckx is The Prophet. Inshmerckx!
@the Engine
To quote Mrs Reagan: Just say no.
I command on to all of you to repent and do 15, no, 53×11 repeats of the V. On the Holy Circuit – d’Aubisque, Tourmalet, d’Aspin, Peyresourde. (Or your nearest facsimile.)
PS – yes, I am dressed in raggy robes and covered in my own feces. Just like any crazy messenger…
@Dan_R
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.”
I guess that includes your neighbor’s bike too. But what if it has an EPMS? Is covet the same as “banging”?
@the Engine
Nowt wrong with that, assuming she isn’t planning to take it out on the Sunday club run.
So does Mrs ChrisO and I’m thinking of buying her one of these.
http://www.pashley.co.uk/products/princess-sovereign.html
Anyone who can look at a Pashley Princess and not think it a thing of beauty has no soul.
@Dan_R
… or a triathlete.