La Vie Velominatus: Lean Properly
There are always at least two ways to accomplish any task: properly and improperly. Drinking beer from a glass, not the bottle; carrying a full umbrella instead of a miniature fold-up; stirring your gin martinis, not shaking them; wearing french cuffs with a suit, not button cuffs. The Velominatus, of course, is drawn towards doing things Properly, even when doing so comes at the expense of convenience.
While its true that doing something correctly may not always be the same as doing something the easy way, when it comes to the practice of leaning one’s bicycle against a wall, doing so properly is is maddeningly easy. Bicycles have wheels and wheels are what enable the mode of forward locomotion that brings us such pleasure. The fine print indicates, however, that these wheels are not biased towards forward motion. On the contrary, wheels are quite happy to roll in any direction they please, provided gravity or an external force provide ample reason to do so. And, despite being more than sturdy enough to bound down a cobbled farm track at high speed, bicycles are rather delicate things not suited for rolling off unsupervised. Derailleur hangers are easily bent, paintwork is easily scratched, and bar tape and saddles easily scuffed when wheels start unexpectedly rolling and steeds fall over.
For this reason, it is critical that one practices safe leaning:
- When leaning your loyal steed against a well, care must be taken to lean the bike by its saddle and by its inside hood. There are several reasons for this including the notion that neither the saddle (made of lightly padded leather) nor the hood (made of rubber) are as wont to slip as is the frame. Leaning it by the hood also ensures the front wheel is pointing parallel to the wall, not away from it, offering an additional bit of insurance against an errant roll-away. Should one be leaning their bicycle against something too low to make saddle contact, the rear wheel and hood makes for a viable alternate.
- Lean the machine with the mechanicals facing out. This will help avoid inadvertently crushing the derailleur against the wall and bending the rear derailleur hanger. That said, among Keepers polled, only one (who, in order to protect Brett’s identity, shall remain anonymous) made the case that keeping the mechs facing inward protects them from being brushed up against. Use your discretion here, but if leaning in, make sure ample space is left to prevent contact with the drivetrain and the wall.
- When leaning a group of bikes against the wall, lean them all in the same direction such that the front wheel of the bike to the left overlaps with the back wheel of the bike to the right. This allows for a compact stacking of machines, prevents tangling of bars or other forms of damage-inducing fraternization between bikes, and allows any of the bikes to be removed from its place in the line without moving adjacent machines. While point two allows for the choice of facing in or out, when leaning groups of bikes against the wall, care will be taken to lean them all in the same direction and in this case facing mechanicals out will help prevent accidentally catching a wheel in a derailleur.
- If leaning a bike against something smaller than a wall, the safest way to do so is to lean it only by the rear wheel, ensuring ample lean is given and that the orientation of the bicycle is chosen to minimize likelihood of the machine suddenly making a break for it. Leaning it against just the saddle is also an option should a stable leaning point be available. Under no circumstances is one to lean the bike by any part of the frame.
- If your bicycle should begin to fall or to move in any way, you are to drop whatever you are doing and use your own or a nearby companion’s body to arrest the fall and prevent damage of any sort to the machine. You should be willing to sacrifice personal injury by way of means to this end. Be it your child or your bong, drop that thing and make haste to rescue your machine. Rule #4, fucktards.
Vive la Vie Velominatus.
@Ron
If you did it properly, it wouldn’t move. That’s the point, my friend. But I think we have all tried to do it properly, only to have it move.
Cursing an inanimate object is one of my favorite pass times. And yes, wheels and bungee cords are two of the most infuriating objects when not engaged in their intended purpose.
@Nate
Have a look at your bike. What sticks out? That’s right, the mech. If you get in the habit of leaning it with mechs in, then eventually you will lean it with the wheel too far in and smash it against the wall – particularly if you didn’t notice a protuberance in the wall or something else sitting in front of it. It has happened to me in the past and required the straightening of a bend hanger.
The argument that the bike could fall over is irrelevant because if you do it correctly, it will never happen. That is the point of Doing it Right.
@frank I run 42 cm Rotundos, not these hipster douchebag things:
As a matter of simple geometry and gravity, I can’t set my bike against a vertical wall such that the saddle, inside hood and drivetrain all touch the wall.
Of course I see your point about Doing it Right, but that does not account for outside forces, such as toddlers, earthquakes, and the like.
It should be noted that I’m rolling with cufflinks and my locally made full size umbrella today. One of my coworkers asked me ‘Who spends $80 on an umbrella?’ I shot back with ‘Someone without two kids.’ The topic was never broached again.
@frank
I second that, 16 hours in a car with him I guess it was inevitable, just glad I was offshore and getting aid for feeling miserable while it was at its height, hopefully on themend now though. Bastard.
When I first started working in a certain bike shop, the first thing the owner stressed to me (and every new staffer) was that under NO circumstances must bikes be leant against anything by the seat or bars. Only by the back wheel, to prevent the bike rolling and getting damaged (I’ve seen it happen a lot, too). If the wheel is against a surface, it can’t roll. It was instant dismissal for anyone caught leaning a bike by the seat, bars, toptube, pedals…
@TBONE
Oooh boy, I like that retort! I have a few friends who act as if they were forced to have kids & have been in a pissy mood since they had them. Your decision, your fault, quit raining on my goddamn good times.
@frank
@brett
Just goes to show that just cuz you run a bike shop doesn’t mean you know fuck all about bikes.
@TBONE
Good man. Here’s mine, a gift when I moved to Seattle.
@frank
It’s true though, the back wheel should be touching as well as/rather than the saddle. Especially if using a pole to lean the bike against… you lean a bike against a street sign by the saddle and it’s gonna roll and fall over. Use the rear wheel, it’s going nowhere.
@Dr C
Currently. But it wasn’t always so.
@frank
Do you have to wear a hat and a special suit with that? You must look a right twot walking into the office with that in your commuting kit.
I do like a good brolly. Unfortunately, I keep leaving them on trains.
Im all for proper leaning but always go for the saddle & rear wheel combo, shifter hoods are too close to scratchable surfaces like the dial covers and levers for my liking! If I ever have to lock up my mount (Prophet Forgive me!) I even try to put something soft between the frame & the lock! Not to mention all bike parking facilities are impossible to lean up on properly!
@frank or do you have one of these to mount it to your bike?
@Chris
That may look like a brolly, but there’s a katana concealed inside it.
No, it’s too much.
Live and let live, each to their own is fine by me so an occasional variation from the norm is OK.
But this is a site where perfection is always to be sought, where the length of your socks may cause serious offence, where bar tape is wrapped and re-wrapped to finish to the mm correct position.
The lead photo shows a set of bikes looking like debs at a coming out ball or prom, waiting for their undoubtedly handsome partners to whisk them away, and standing on the end of the line is some poor lass who is wearing 6″ heels and short short skirt.
We know the dutch monkey has his own ways, and will seek the enlightment of the V, but that seat post — aaargh.
@Nate Nope. That’s a custom protective cover for that ridiculously long seat post of his. Carries it everywhere, he does, afraid that if someone pinches it he’ll never find another one.
@markpa When was the last time you took a debutante and thrashed her over the pave?
@brett Where I live Polish people have better things to do than stand around holding my bike up for me.
@the Engine
How the hell can you tell from that photo that those are your bibs? Please don’t say it’s because you recognize the chamois.
@scaler911
I hope you keyed his car.
@brett
Using the rear wheel makes the bike stand up too much, and that’s when bikes fall over. If you follow the protocol above, there is no chance of it rolling, but you have to do it properly.
@Chris
More proof that the Dutch fucking rule.
@Chris yip, Wiggins parked the bike and is getting credit for it, but tbh he did not intend it this way, and I am sure he also threw a bike in a ditch in the TdF at some point, 2012 race I think. He has no regard for the Bike, or the poor Mechies who need to fix them. Bit of a knob.
@strathlubnaig The race matters more than the bike at that moment. No attendee was there to cautiously take the bike at that moment either.
@frank
Even more proof, which I have been saving for the right moment:
Netherlandish Proverbs, Bruegel the Elder. This one seems particularly poignant: “One shears sheep, the other shears pigs.”
Leaning confidence is misleading. I would not leave my children leaning against a building and expect them to be safe from disaster.
@markpa
Ryder and I are on the same page, and between us, half have won a Giro. So until you grow to a respectable length, you can go get fucked.
@frank Incredible evidence there. Good to have a working PRO model to compare positioning and fit.
@Bespoke
While tempting, in the long run, I’m sure that I’ve given them more grief, and damaged more of their stuff, over the years. That and I’m pretty sure Pa could still kick my ass.
Its of no concern; it works well for me so how it looks is secondary. Until you stand somewhere in the neighborhood of 1.9 or 2m, one simply doesn’t appreciate how bike fitting changes. Of major concern becomes getting the weight of the upper body down low to aide in stability. Bike fitting is not a matter of scaling what works for a 1.5 or 1.6 meter rider up to 2 meters.
Almost without exception, the all guys ride with loads of extension and slammed stems.
Van Summeren is another example.
So is Jensie
So is Gesink
@frank For some reason I thought you were really short. I’m 1.83 m and I’d die with your seat post!
@Sauterelle
I’ve said it before. I’m not unusually tall (1.94m) but I’m all leggs. If I were a woman, I’d be bangin’ hot. But I’m a dude, so instead I look like a gymnast orangutan.
We play with the cards we’re dealt.
@frank Wow, you’re really tall! I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sure your VMH thinks you’re bangin’ hot!!!
I’m all legs too. But not bangin’ hot. Bleh.
@frank Maybe one day there will be a bronze statue of your legs standing in your Vhometown.
@frank
you sound like you have spent some alone time in front of the mirror, Silence of the Lambs style. The VMH should get very worried if you ever tell say, “it puts the lotion on the skin…”
@frank
You know how you know that someone is a transplant to the PNW? They own an umbrella. That is nice one though.
@strathlubnaig
I’m quietly flummoxed as to why we’re judging someone based on thier reaction to the fact that they’ve just lost a race that they were reasonably certain to win. I sure as fuck wouldn’t be daintily placing it against the wall.
It’s racing. Not high tea. If the bikes not working and I’ve lost something that I’ve worked my guts out for and not seen my family for weeks for, the very last person I’d be considering is the mechanic, other that tearing him a new one.
The bike’s a tool. Yes, we get all reverential n’ stuff. They’re beautiful, etc, etc. But they are just a tool to race on. If your livlihood depends on winning races, you’d want to be sure that the tool won’t fail you.
Is Millarcopter also a knob?
@frank The beauty of living in AZ is that I don’t have to own a umbrella. I haven’t seen one in years.
@RedRanger
Not to mention that I am driving a convertible with the top down right now while I work on my truck.
@frank
I’ll give you Ryder, but not Jens – he can do now wrong.
I’m 1.88, sure it was 1.9 but have spent too much time in the middle of a rugby scrum, which will have to approximate for a decent length.
and we all know that ended in tears
@mouse I see where you are trying to go with this, but yes, Millar, despite being jockinese, was acting like a knob too. I understand your angle, but tools should not be abused either, regardless of your métier, be it an abseiler or a pro cycist. It does not make anyone look good.
the caption was meant to be Frank and his bike – with apologies to Eva
@Bespoke
It is indeed because I recognise the chamois…
@frank I see what you’re getting at here, but using a guy who is known for basically being unable to stay on his bike for more than 2 consecutive days (Gesink) probably won’t help your argument about your fit leading to better balance…
@RedRanger
While I am jealous that you are already driving a convertible when we’ve just (hopefully) seen the last of snow for this year, what is even more impressive is that you can simultaneously drive your convertible, work on another vehicle and post to this site. I imagine you use your knees to steer the convertible but I’m not sure I can picture the whole scenario.
@frank you could add in another, a personal favourite of mine…
http://drunkcyclist.tumblr.com/post/11394812640/edwig-van-hooydonck-won-the-tour-of-flanders-twice
For the record I’m 6’5 and half Dutch. I reckon I know more about the wind than any short cyclist ever will.
@Bespoke I’m pretty good.
@RedRanger
Better than it would seem! Send pics if you can add another task to the mix.
Damn, I’d only thought about the weight issue, never the wind issue, for you tall lads. Cycling is the one sport I’ve pursued where I’m perfectly happy to be the size I was dealt.
The Gesink photo on the Giant brings up a question I’ve had – have ISPs faded away (never caught on?)? It seemed like there used to be more of them.