Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

Not European, Not a Satchel.
Not European, Not a Satchel.

Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?

I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.

When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.

Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.

What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/[email protected]/EPMS/”/]

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234 Replies to “Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?”

  1. @piwakawaka I’m up for something like that. Stratford road club’s Taumaranui to Stratford for the forgotten highway is on Sunday 13th October, if you like that sort of thing.  Just about the best road in the world, so you should…

  2. @scaler911

    Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the “nod to sew-ups, old school” thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

  3. @piwakawaka Shit the bed that would be massive… Around the puddle is about the extent of it for me this year, would be two months from peaking at LW, but I’ll definitely keep an eye on any plans. Have a feeling there are plenty lurkers about, you can but try..?

  4. via the forgotten highway, I should say.  Gianni, that bag is as ugly as sin, although I’m not really convinced of the whole anti-epms thing in places where jackets and warmers go on and off all day.  Not to underestimate the importance of looking great at all times etc, but I’d rather be in some small way uncompliant than ever have to suffer the indignity of calling for help because I’m packing a solitary co2 canister to preserve pocket room.

  5. @Mikael Liddy

    @San Tonio

    I’ll just leave this here :

    about fucking time this made an appearance.

    Seriously Gianni, what the fucking fuck?

    How much more than what’s below do you need? That zips up & goes in the middle pocket, phone goes in a jersey bin (waterproof) in a side pocket leaving that & the other side pocket free for food/clothes/whatever.

    Qu’est-ce que c’est que ça? Where does one get this thing? I love the mesh pocket. This is not an unorganized piece of amphibian shit, at all.

  6. @PeakInTwoYears

    @Mikael Liddy

    @San Tonio

    I’ll just leave this here :

    about fucking time this made an appearance.

    Seriously Gianni, what the fucking fuck?

    How much more than what’s below do you need? That zips up & goes in the middle pocket, phone goes in a jersey bin (waterproof) in a side pocket leaving that & the other side pocket free for food/clothes/whatever.

    Qu’est-ce que c’est que ça? Where does one get this thing? I love the mesh pocket. This is not an unorganized piece of amphibian shit, at all.

    +1 I want to know where this comes from as well. I’ve searched the internets to my best ability and cannot find it. I want one.

  7. @Beers

    @Marcus

    @Beers

    Can’t quite believe it. Surely there is some way to better strap that shit up underneath the seat? It is just dangling there…

    Nothing compared to all of you trainspotters out there, but if I can fit 2 tubes snaked tightly then held with electrical tape, and a pouch that holds CO2, multitool that has levers, cash/cc, key, and a fucking inhaler in ONE POCKET, you muppets can fit this shit in your back pockets too!

    You kind of lost me at the inhaler part Spalding.

    Uh, asthmatic? Point being it is as large as another CO2. WTF is the Spalding reference, Poindexter?

    I can’t say for sure, but I think this is what he’s referring to.

  8. @Gianni

    @scaler911

    Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the “nod to sew-ups, old school” thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

    The Lord Almighty Merckx thinks I’m gonna get through this, but He’s pretty sure you’re fucked.

  9. @Gianni

    @scaler911

    Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

     

     

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the “nod to sew-ups, old school” thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

    I’m with you Gianni.  The reason that Ryder uses an EPMS when he’s training is that he isn’t racing.  He’s used to not carrying a whole bunch of shit in his pockets.

    This brings up a conumdrum that the Rule doesn’t adequately address.  The Rule states effectively that Ryder isn’t Pro when he’s training but is when he’s racing. 

    For my part, when I’m training, I have a the smallest EPMS (SciCon) that carries one tube, one C02 cannister, One tiny multitool and levers.  Phone and wallet in centre pocket inside ziplock bag.  When i’m racing, it all comes off.

  10. A few things happened after I joined Velominati. The first thing was ditching the EPMS. Then I started taking better care of my bike. Next, the stem was lowered. After that, a succession of refining acts that included minimizing useless crap in my jersey pockets. The Rules were my guide. My cycling joy has increased.

  11. Cute man-purse.  Back in the day we had sew-ups, or tubes neatly folded and secured under the seat.  And a quarter secretly taped under the BB….just in case you had to call mom for a ride home. Any more tech-no-purses out there?

  12. @EricW

    @Gianni I’m with you, even if everyone thinks you’ve lost your mind like @Brett. That said, I contend mine isn’t a “satchel” since it isn’t enclosed.

    That thing is just as fucked now as it was when you first posted it.

  13. @freddy

    A few things happened after I joined Velominati. The first thing was ditching the EPMS. Then I started taking better care of my bike. Next, the stem was lowered. After that, a succession of refining acts that included minimizing useless crap in my jersey pockets. The Rules were my guide. My cycling joy has increased.

    Perfect.

    @Gianni

    @scaler911

    Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the “nod to sew-ups, old school” thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

    Yes. Attached are, for your reference, examples of the correct gear to carry at any given moment.

    [dmalbum: path=”/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/frank/2013.08.28.21.59.38/2//”/]

  14. I have my inner tube (Continental Race Supersonic) fitted into a section of MTB tube, it weighs 50g so folds up very small.  It fits wedged under the saddle.  Then Crankbrothers Tyre lever and mini pump.  Never needed anything else, bar food and appropriate outerwear.

    [dmalbum: path=”/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/captainsideburns/2013.08.29.05.12.58/2/”/]T

  15. @gregorio

    Large caddy sack in the center jersey pocket, medium in the RH pocket…better weight distribution, room for everything.

    “Everything” indeed. Jesus H Merckx, going to be out a while, hunh?

  16. @Beers

    @Marcus

    @Beers

    Can’t quite believe it. Surely there is some way to better strap that shit up underneath the seat? It is just dangling there…

    Nothing compared to all of you trainspotters out there, but if I can fit 2 tubes snaked tightly then held with electrical tape, and a pouch that holds CO2, multitool that has levers, cash/cc, key, and a fucking inhaler in ONE POCKET, you muppets can fit this shit in your back pockets too!

    You kind of lost me at the inhaler part Spalding.

    Uh, asthmatic? Point being it is as large as another CO2. WTF is the Spalding reference, Poindexter?

    Spalding: “what about my asthma”
    Judge Smells: “I’ll give you asthma”

    If that doesnt make sense to you, what you put in your pockets is the least of your problems.

  17. @gregorio

    Large caddy sack in the center jersey pocket, medium in the RH pocket…better weight distribution, room for everything.

    There are reasons why lycra and other materials replaced wool, and that sag is a good demonstration of one of them.

    I can forgive the big Carradice, or whatever, if it was a very long randonee but once you’ve got that on there why spoil a lovely wool jersey ?

  18. @frank

    For fucks sake.

    What you have there is a shit looking saddle with a shit looking EMPS. What’s worse, it’s on possibly the sexiest bike amoung the Keepers.

    I’ll define a fucking saddle bag for you: anything tied to you saddle that isn’t a tubular fucking tire.

    I suggest that if you want to pay homage to a tire under a saddle, that you stop fucking around and get tubulars. If you’re too sissy for that, then you don’t deserve the coolness quotient of the toe strap.

    Cool, so I get some ENVE tubular wheels, keep a spare tub under my seat, many problems solved. Got it.

  19. @Yoda

    If you carry spare tubes+minipump+levers+allen keys, what’s the use of a f*** mobile phone??? I think a rule is needed on the subject :-) … no phones for hardmen.

    Only exception could be for Italians for the ritual Sunday, 13:00 call “Cala la pasta!” (put pasta in the boiling water, I’m coming) It means home in 12/15 min :-)

    Ugh, 12 minutes is way too much for most pastas. A proper hardman doesn’t overcook his pasta (or allows his VMH to overcook it).

  20. Y’all some fancy folks, with your white handlebar tape and spacious middle pockets. Middle pockets are for carrying extra fluids when it’s fucking 40c out there and you don’t want to stop every 90 minutes to refill with stinky gas-station sink water.

    That said, I manage to cram phone, cash & cards, small multitool, levers, food and spare tube into the left and right pockets. Food in the right pocket, money in the left so I don’t lose it if it decides to stick to the food.

    @captainsideburns

    I have my inner tube (Continental Race Supersonic) fitted into a section of MTB tube, it weighs 50g so folds up very small. It fits wedged under the saddle. Then Crankbrothers Tyre lever and mini pump. Never needed anything else, bar food and appropriate outerwear.

    I’m in your camp – regular tube folded tight under the saddle. Completely invisible. Absolutely brilliant. Though my latest saddle-change foiled my plans as the new shape is too roomy, and allowed a tube to escape.

  21. Perhaps the Christoper Walken method a al Pulp Fiction would be most rule compliant.

  22. @mouse

    Perhaps the Christoper Walken method a al Pulp Fiction would be most rule compliant.

    I don’t fancy trying to get a tub up there.

  23. Yes. Attached are, for your reference, examples of the correct gear to carry at any given moment.

    4 / 6
    frank 19% battery? better get yourself kitted out thus;

    @frank – with 19% battery I think you better get yourself setup thusly;

    Solar SOB

  24. @Teocalli

    No need for saddlebags, pouches etc all you need is one of these…………….

    http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Sand-Multipocket-Vest-Waistcoat-Gilet-in-New-Condition-/171073911707?pt=UK_Other_Men_s_Clothing&var=470271390489&hash=item27d4ccbb9b

    Personally I think the British Army DPM Chest Rig would be better.  Room for grenades as well as multi tool, tubes, spare wheel, frame brazing kit etc etc…

    http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/British-Army-Chest-rig-assault-vest-DPM-/300955245850?pt=UK_Collectables_Militaria_LE&hash=item4612549d1a

  25. @Gianni

    Love the man.  LOVE the frame.  Respect the bona fides (Latin for “you’re older than me”).

    ambivalent about the saddle (if it gets and keeps you on the bike, I won’t begrudge the sad-pelican looks).

    But the sac (an EPMS is a sac, not a sack), the name alone, Caddy Sack, is beneath Lezyne’s usual class (and more at the level of my own) and thus grounds for outright rejection.  Get the tubulars so I don’t have to.

  26. @Gianni

    @scaler911

    Here’s Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

     

     

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the “nod to sew-ups, old school” thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

    Yes.  Get your ass to West Point on the 20th of October for the Cogal with your bike sans the saddle scrotum!

  27. @Deakus

    @Teocalli

    No need for saddlebags, pouches etc all you need is one of these…………….

    http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Sand-Multipocket-Vest-Waistcoat-Gilet-in-New-Condition-/171073911707?pt=UK_Other_Men_s_Clothing&var=470271390489&hash=item27d4ccbb9b

    Personally I think the British Army DPM Chest Rig would be better. Room for grenades as well as multi tool, tubes, spare wheel, frame brazing kit etc etc…

    http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/British-Army-Chest-rig-assault-vest-DPM-/300955245850?pt=UK_Collectables_Militaria_LE&hash=item4612549d1a

    If it came fully loaded than that would deliver a surprise to a rider when they cut you up.

  28. @Teocalli

    @Deakus

    @Teocalli

    No need for saddlebags, pouches etc all you need is one of these…………….

    http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Sand-Multipocket-Vest-Waistcoat-Gilet-in-New-Condition-/171073911707?pt=UK_Other_Men_s_Clothing&var=470271390489&hash=item27d4ccbb9b

    Personally I think the British Army DPM Chest Rig would be better. Room for grenades as well as multi tool, tubes, spare wheel, frame brazing kit etc etc…

    http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/British-Army-Chest-rig-assault-vest-DPM-/300955245850?pt=UK_Collectables_Militaria_LE&hash=item4612549d1a

    If it came fully loaded than that would deliver a surprise to a rider when they cut you up.

    Oops I meant “driver” not “rider” there………….

  29. Awesome.  Nothing gets the Velominati riled up more than a classic EPMS article.  You think I’d be sick of these, but it’s just the opposite.  I fucking love it.

    I suppose this can go on the list of “You know you’re a Velominatus when:” statements.  It might even be number one.

    1.  “you can argue for days about whether the merits of an EPMS outweigh the fact that they make your bike look like total shit.”

  30. @mouse

    Perhaps the Christoper Walken method a al Pulp Fiction would be most rule compliant.

    I hate it when other people use this expression, but LOL.

  31. @The Oracle

    Awesome. Nothing gets the Velominati riled up more than a classic EPMS article. You think I’d be sick of these, but it’s just the opposite. I fucking love it.

    I suppose this can go on the list of “You know you’re a Velominatus when:” statements. It might even be number one.

    1. “you can argue for days about whether the merits of an EPMS outweigh the fact that they make your bike look like total shit.”

    Closely followed by:

    2.  The debate over CO2 vs. Pump

    3.  Tubeless over Tubed

    4.  Electronic vs Manual Shifting

    5.  Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

  32. @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    Great. Now I have to go take a cold shower. (this is a girl right?)

  33. I’ve ofter been asked why I don’t carry tools and pumps and tubes and such* and my reply is always “Because you do.”

    *I actually do, I carry one tire lever, one CO2 cartridge and head, and one tube neatly nestled in a plastic baggie in the center jersey pocket

  34. @eightzero

    @gregorio

    Large caddy sack in the center jersey pocket, medium in the RH pocket…better weight distribution, room for everything.

    “Everything” indeed. Jesus H Merckx, going to be out a while, hunh?

    This is exactly why I use an epms. I came of age when this shit was the norm. Even looking at that pic gives me bad flashbacks.

    I was out for a nice wee 50kms last night wondering when someone would post Ben Kingsley – thanks for coming through Balexander!

    As for the mini samsonite suitcase thingy? I think not.

  35. @captainsideburns

    I have my inner tube (Continental Race Supersonic) fitted into a section of MTB tube, it weighs 50g so folds up very small. It fits wedged under the saddle. Then Crankbrothers Tyre lever and mini pump. Never needed anything else, bar food and appropriate outerwear.

    1 / 2

    Ohhhh – I’ll definitely need to give this a shot!

  36. @Cyclops

    I’ve ofter been asked why I don’t carry tools and pumps and tubes and such* and my reply is always “Because you do.”

    *I actually do, I carry one tire lever, one CO2 cartridge and head, and one tube neatly nestled in a plastic baggie in the center jersey pocket

    (Nacho voice) “All those things you just said. Are all my favorite things (to carry in a jersey pocket) too!”

  37. Only ‘extra’ tool to carry is a spoke wrench — without a multi-tool built around it.

  38. @Gianni

    @frank

    For fucks sake.

    What you have there is a shit looking saddle with a shit looking EMPS. What’s worse, it’s on possibly the sexiest bike amoung the Keepers.

    I’ll define a fucking saddle bag for you: anything tied to you saddle that isn’t a tubular fucking tire.

    I suggest that if you want to pay homage to a tire under a saddle, that you stop fucking around and get tubulars. If you’re too sissy for that, then you don’t deserve the coolness quotient of the toe strap.

    Cool, so I get some ENVE tubular wheels, keep a spare tub under my seat, many problems solved. Got it.

    Exactly.

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