WWSD
When it comes to hardmen, there aren’t many tougher than this guy. That he manages to mix massive amounts of V with similarly massive amounts of Casual Deliberation only serves to heighten the man-crushes of a bunch of older, fatter, balder men who see a visage of Spatacus looking back at us in the mirror every time we don lycra. We wish we could be him.
So I put myself into the mind of Fabs after his huge crash/broken back/ride anyway/forced to retire sequence the other day. The guy has had a lot of bad luck over the last few years, and as he gets to the twilight of his career, decisions need to be made. What Will Spartacus Do? Well, I don’t know, but I do know what Spartacus should do.
The only way for Faboo to go out is thus:
- Take a break in the sun, drink rum, heal the injury and ride a scooter without a helmet. Try not to fall off.
- Work off the fat from all the Mojitos and get training again.
- Target the World Champs road race and win the bloody thing.
- Look completely awesome in the rainbow bands (with black shorts) and win Lombardia.
- Have a rest over winter, then train for one last Classics campaign.
- Win Het Volk, E3, the Ronde and Roubaix while looking awesome in the bands.
- Retire on the velodrome with a cobble in hand.
- Un-retire. Break the Hour Record.
- Replace fucking Jens on whatever commentary team I had to put up with listening to his shit the other night.
Shouldn’t be too big an ask.
Haha, Jens is a straight-up Legend, but I’m not digging on his commentary either – not one bit.
Fuck ton of awesome in this plan. Make it so Fabian.
Was just thinking today how good of a commentator Jens is
I wax & wane when it comes to Faboo, when you see things like the other night there’s no end in sight to the man crush, but then he comes out whining about race conditions (see wet cobbles last year) and I begin to doubt myself again…
How big of an ask would it be to get V-themed WWSD bracelets made? Seems like an anti-Cantankerous Texan move. All proceeds go to a Keeper beer fund.
@SteelCamp
That’s like saying Joe Buck is a good commentator for football/baseball/whatever sport he’s metastasized into. I like Jens as much as the next guy, but he should stick to marketing Shut Up Legs apparel. At least he’s always cheerful on the air.
Of course, I’ll take him over Paul and Phil and what’s his name with the gap in his teeth. There’s a reason I stream the Eurosport feed.
” the man-crushes of a bunch of older, fatter, balder men ” – ju talkin’ about me?
I was pretty disappointed not to see him on RVV and Paris-Roubaix this year – if he follows your exit plan I’m going again.
I bet Mrs Faboo had a few words with him when/ if she visited him in hospital. “Two broken backs in one year Fabian – really?”
I was pretty impressed at how he managed a 20% ramp after that spill – and then devastated to hear he was a non-starter for Stage 4. Fucking hard man!
Can I just point out, for the record, that whatever you see in the mirror in no way reflects Faboo.
Just sayin’.
Also, I don’t understand the Phil/Paul hate; for me, those voices are Le Tour and the classics. As wrong as Phil is most of the time, it’s endearing how Paul corrects him with a little chuckle.
And how can anyone hate Jensie? He’s a legend, mad as a bag of cats, funny as shit, and too happy to matter in his commentary.
“As wrong as Phil is most of the time” – that’s kinda the point @frank. I’m tired of Bert and Ernie cocking up the basic stuff, let alone being capable of offering some sort insight into the multitude of stories within the race. Hurry up and put Matt Keenan on primetime.
He rode up Huy, in the saddle, broken back …… tougher than the forge that makes the hammer, that hits the nail..
Dont start on the commentary, Liggett and Sherwen or Eurosport feed which has the worst of them all in Kirby!! Matt Stephens and David Millar – thats the way to go
A brilliant plan for Spartacus.
How surprised was I, when I started Cycling again, after 400 years, to find that Phil was still calling the Tour? A lot surprised. And I love hearing his voice. Listening to him forces me to entertain the thought that while I am certainly a fuck of a lot older, I might not be a lot smarter.
@James
What he said. Also, I realize that they are catering (via NBC Sports) to an American audience that might know fuck all about cycling, but do they have to spend half the entire broadcast explaining how a wheel works, or use a prepared segment to pat me on the head with why it’s better to ride in a line?
My 9-year old daughter was angling for a day off school with a sore throat – just showed her the pic of Fabian and explained about him riding to the finish with a broken back! – she’s going to school now! Thanks Velominati :-)
@James
Also also, let’s not forget that up until a couple of years ago Phil was COTHO’s biggest cheerleader.
@wrongsideof40
Gave her a dose of the old Rule #3, eh :)
@Owen
+1 Even after the USADA report had nailed him Ligget was still sticking up for Armstrong. They should have been tarred and feathered and run out of town back to his Ugandan gold mine or whatever he has his head in for the other 49 weeks of the year.
And he’s a shit commentator… did we mention that?
I tend to either listen to the stage on the radio (although now I have a major dilemma as the Ashes have started and TMS is essential) or catch the highlights on ITV4 later. In the first instance we get the charming Rob Hayles and in the latter we get the double whammy of Chris Boardman and David Millar, inevitably looking cool as fuck. Score.
And re; Spartacus, he still looks the balls but I wonder if he is past his peak now.
@ChrisO
beyond shit, gets less right than wrong, it’s like he has the dirt on all of cycling and no one has the guts or power to tell him, “it’s over, now fuck off”, it’s weird they put so much into these broadcasts and the guy calling it is watching a different race.
@RobSandy
As I’m off work, I can watch the Tour live on telly, and listen to TMS on the radio, simultaneously. Who says it’s only women who can multi-task, I can even drink a cool beer at the same time.
@markb
You bastard. That was uncalled for.
Come on England, by the way.
Spartacus is so cool that even his crashing yellow bike was awesome. We used to take old beat up bmx bikes and push them down a hill into a ramped curb so they would jump up and crash into a stop sign – the higher and more violent the ending the better. Faboo’s steed crashing on stage 3 would have gotten full marks.
Not sure he can deliver on that full plan but if he targets Roubaix and has the team around him – why not?
Been flicking between ITV4 and Eurosport and have firmly landed in the Kirby / Kelly / Lemond camp. Flecha is a bit of a pain with his English but the pros seem to rate him so he gets a pass. ITV4 feels stodgy although I do love the timbre of Phil’s voice.
@RobSandy
Oh dear, I suppose you wont want to hear about my plans to set up the turbo trainer in front of the telly this afternoon, and put a couple of bidons full of carbo-recovery drinks in the fridge for when tea is called at Cardiff?
@Owen
I hear that @Brett is currently testing V-Selfie sticks whilst @Frank is working on some V-memes featuring cats.
If you want a cycling themed bracelet, go here.
seriously bummed for Spartacus. If this season is a bust, at least he has a yellow jersey to show for his efforts. My fear is that instead of finishing his spectacular career on a glorious season, he will fade out, a shadow of his former self, diminished by injuries.
Rory McIlroy needs to watch some tour riders. Just saying. . .
Watching the Tour on ITV 4 here in the UK. Studio commentary by Gary Imlach, Chris Boardman and David Miller. All good, articulate and insightful. Then we get the gibberings of Phil Liggett. A classic case of past glories and experience trumping diminishing competence.
Couldn’t have been happier to see Panzerwagen get Jaune. That was some smart riding given the mixed bag of riders in the bunch and the fact that they were all basically cooked. I’m sure everyone thought “bugger that! I’m not chasing TM and dragging Cav up for a sprint.”
@markb
Well I could point out that I will probably stop out of the back of the Swalec on my commute home and watch a bit of the cricket through the gaps in the stands. Keep an eye out for me on the TV. My bike has a child seat on it.
It would be great to see Cancellara win the WC. He kind of deserves it, like Gilbert did a few years ago.
On commentators, I’m still thankful we get cycling live. But here in Australia we’ve had Robbie McEwen do special comments, and he is excellent. My deal team would be Cosmo and Robbie.
Sorry, not Matt Keenan. I’m with @ianpa on this one.
@Oli interesting, I’ve heard nothing but praise for Keeno. What’s the issue?
Wow what a bunch of meanies. Love the sport Love the BIKES and the Riders and Love the people that bring it all to us. The biggest problem I have had in cycling is interacting with a bunch of snobs who probably couldn’t do any of it better.
@SteelCamp
I’ve corrected your post. Apologies for feeling the need to.
David
@davidlhill
:)
Here’s a way we can all try to do it better: A game; Pro Cycling Manager 2015
http://store.steampowered.com/app/322850/
@davidlhill
Actually you two I’ve worked nearly thirty years in television, launched multiple programs and even a sports network. I know shit when I see and hear it.
Ligget and Sherwen are shit and the French coverage of the Tour (which is what we see with their commentary on top) is also merde – about 20 years out of date.
That’s a professional, not cycling opinion.
Hope Tony Martin doesn’t go the same way as Cancellara. Bit of a curse on the yellow jersey this year.
Also having slightly mixed feelings about Teklahaimanot. Nice for a young rider to get the polka dot jersey but bagging three minor bumps has the same points as winning on Mur de Huy? Get out of here…
@ChrisO
Agreed. Panzerwagon looked phucked at the finish but he’s total pro so might be precautions for a scan.
Totally agree about TV coverage too. So dumbed down. Rarely get any decent insights from commentary and seldom speed and never power. All readily available to DS. Why not the audience.
But I think it’s Paul Sherwen that has the gold mine.
@ChrisO
I am open to being corrected
@ChrisO
Ah, ChrisO, my attempt at joshing with a newcomer clearly failed. I was primarily referring to his ‘interacting with’ bit, which implies riders, hence the correction. As far as I know barring you there aren’t many riders here that ride at your level. I could very well be wrong.
Last time I did the “he be new around here” bit – worked better.
I’ll consider myself admonished!
But if you’re bashing someone from your computer chair who’s shoes you would kiss if you met them in person I have no respect
@SteelCamp
Don’t attempt to use the term “meanies” within a semi-intelligent dialogue — around us (period).
@frank
I might get hate, but I am going with @Frank on this one. Phil, Paul, and Bob Roll are the only cycling commentators I know, and they will probably be the ones I wax nostalgic about as I age. I am still a relative noob compared to most of you, I have only been doing this for 5 or 6 years, the first Tour I watched was 2012, this is the first year I have actually paid attention to the Giro, I just started watching classics last year, and I have never watched coverage of the Vuelta. I have never had a chance to hear any others, so I may not know any better, but all I really need from them is to tell me who is where and doing what. They do that just fine.
Like most things, the coverage of cycling in America will never reach the levels it has in Europe, but I won’t complain. Listening to Phil and Paul is far better than the alternative of not being able to watch at all, and for that I am thankful.
@unversio
@Mikael Liddy
Not a Keenan fan either. Heard him call Fabs “Cancerella” for most of a Tour a few years back. He switched to Cancellara for a day or two but then was back to “Cancerella” for the remainder.
Phil was just embarrassing on the cobble stage the other night… @Bianchi Denti and I were practically shouting at the TV as he called rider after rider wrong. It really is time to move on, he’s had a great career but has been out of touch since, oh about 1999.
@SteelCamp
Don’t think I’d be kissing Phil’s shoes if I met him.
And I could do a better job than him, so could most people who can identify a rider and call his name correctly. Shit, we were doing it the other night… Us: “there goes Boom.”
Phil: “That looks like Nibali” No Phil, Nibbles isn’t 6’2″ and he’s wearing a National Champs jersey and has No. 1 on his back.
@Owen
How about no bracelets, and you set up a Keeper Beer Fund?
@Meanie
Owned. Well done that man.
@Harminator
No such luck. Put his collarbone into a few pieces, and it’s an open fracture. Cool as a fucking cucumber during the Yellow Jersey ceremony while probably in an immense amount of pain.
@Matt
yup, he landed flush on the point of his left shoulder. Perfect recipe for a shattered collarbone. Nice of the ASO to put the jersey on him before the presentation so that you didn’t have the Contador/Giro sight of him holding the jersey in his hand.
@brett
just get the name right, you had ONE job, FFS one job!!
@piwakawaka
*I may have used these names as an example and that may not have happened, but there were numerous occasions where it was just as fucking obvious.
@Mikael Liddy
To quote the EQS team doctor Helge Riepenhof, “Unfortunately, the collarbone is a lateral fracture. “The collarbone is in lots of pieces, so it was a major impact. One of the pieces came through the skin, which means it’s an open fracture.” I’ve spent a lifetime as an Army infantryman, so I’m no stranger to strong language. I just don’t like it, typically don’t swear, but. WHAT THE FUCK, OVER?!
So then Tony tweets: “Collarbone is broken. We will discuss further steps.” Is he REALLY thinking of starting tomorrow?! So, after Cancellera’s crash, finishing the stage up the Mur de Huy, and the other assorted injuries and broken bones can we put to rest the mythology of the 1970’s Belgian hard man and that the modern peloton are a bunch of pussies?! My god.