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Velominatus: Chris

Order: Keepers Tour: Cobbled Classics 2012 Attendee

Location: The Cambridgeshire Flatlands

Social: Website / /

Errant Velominatus (too many Rule Violations to mention including Rule #33 enforced by @Mrs Chris), lover of the Pavé, Rule #6 and roller sessions. Gruppetto specialist and occasional voiture balai passenger. Firm believer in if not adherent to Rule 12: ° 2011 Cannondale CAAD8 105, ° 2006 Cannondale Prophet, ° ???? Redline Flight Pro - Built up from eBay parts aftet finding that standing around watching the kids ripping up the BMX track gets a bit dull. Scared myself shitless on the track so itgenerally gets used as a run around. Had a 2007 Marin Quake as well but sold that to fund my attendance at KT13 In real life, 43 year old father of three living in Cambridgeshire and working in London.

@Chris's activity:

This article started off as a Reverence for the Camelbak Podium, and might still be, who knows, it’s late and my mind is scrambled. As often happens when searching for a suitable image for an article, tangents often appear from nowhere and derail the original train of thought. Soon one finds oneself careening out of control towards the only...

@Chris's posts:

  1. @wiscot Not to mention that their choice of gearing is so out of whack they couldn’t possibly need hydration. »

  2. @unversio Agreed but only the red coke version. Slightly off topic but does Rule #52 apply to gravelling? »

You can only spend so much time with the Schlecks before you start talking like them, and the fabulous Fabs seems to have crossed the threshold. I’ve heard more complaining from him this season than I have talk about pushing harder on the pedals or going steady up with more speed or going full gas like everyone else, but just doing it for ...

@Chris's posts:

  1. @ChrisO I suspect my name is already on file from when I broke the internet a few months back by posting a .gif thingy of infinite shifting mini phinneys. Jokes aside, I really, really, really would like some new V-Kit. I may not be able to ride with … »

  2. @frank Really? Will it be available in shops to buy or will there be Eastern Europe style queues and empty shelves? »

I was asking earlier, how do you know if you are a cyclist? One sure sign is when one brings a bike on almost all vacations. If a vacation does not include some cycling, is it a vacation? If you asks that, you are a cyclist. Hopefully this has been a long-term condition and all other vacationeers accept this with a shrug, yeah, a damn Velominatus.V...

@Chris's posts:

  1. @ChrisO I also struggle with the idea of holidays without the bike (a holiday without the bike is a wasted oportunity. Fortunately, the kids are all shaping up nicely as cyclists and don’t mind that it might take a bit longer to get wherever we’re going b… »

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them...

@Chris's posts:

  1. @Mikael Liddy The Gold Coast; where cyclists are clearly nothing more than triathletes who can’t swim. »

Cycling is a sport steeped in the tradition of style. There’s no denying it. From the days of miners and farmers escaping the hardships of a life spent toiling in harsh and filthy conditions either under or above ground, through Coppi and his Cosa Nostra-esque garb and swagger, Merckx and De Vlaeminck’s 70s sideburns, to Cipo and his...

@Chris's posts:

  1. @Pedale.Forchetta Ha, I meant  pro photographer! I dream of taking black and white photos like that. »

  2. @wiscot My off the bike apparel has to cover a multitude of fucntions; work, smart informal (becoming increasingly the sort of clothes I wear most), watching the kids play sport in all manner of weather, gardening etc whilst my cycling kit only gets worn … »

  3. @Pedale.Forchetta Class. Are you sure you’re not a pro? »

  4. @brett How about this for the Lexicon: @american psycho »

  5. @TBONE He might be a Scot but judging by his morning after tweet he’s have voted “No” »

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. - Bill Hicks That famous quote from the Greatest Comedian Of All Time™ has resonated with me for many years. It became my silent mantra, as I don’t suffer fools gladly and sometimes don’t make much effort to conceal the fact. Lately, I̵...

@Chris's posts:

  1. It all comes down to the vices… »

Stupidity is a powerful force never to be underestimated. Geese are a good example; a more stupid vertebrate one would be most challenged to come across yet should you wander into a flock of them pecking about peacefully in a field, one is likely to erupt from its grazing to grab a billful of your ass and commence beating you savagely with it...

@Chris's posts:

  1. I think I might need a black bike first. »

  2. @Mikael Liddy That gilet is awesome, I was given one as a freebie during my recent Manchester to London ride. Downside is that I’m now going to be forced to buy some Rapha kit as it doesn’t go at all all well with any of my current kit. The fit is absol… »

Did everyone got tired of seeing a nearly naked Marcel Kittel on the massage table for the Tour’s VSP page? I know I didn’t. Young Kennaugh will be sporting his British road race jersey and his proper shoe/sock pairing in this Vuelta. Get used to it. Ladies and gentleman we have a race. We have some Giro winners, we have some Tour...

@Chris's posts:

  1. VSP PICKS (2nd Rest Day Swaps): 1. Derty Berty 2. Froome 3. Valverde 4. Aru 5. J Rod »

Summer is a time for getting fat. Winter is a time for getting fat as well, but in a different way; in Winter we get fat on meals of meat and potatoes covered in sauces made of meat and potatoes. In Summer, on the other hand, our minds get fat: we get nice tans, we tone our muscles, long days see us riding at any hour of the day that suits us. W...

@Chris's posts:

  1. I started as the dark began to lose it’s grip yesterday. As we climbed out of Manchester, the dawn revealed nothing but mist which slowly burnt off into a beautifully hot late summer’s day. Later the shadows lengthened, the light became richer and a huge … »

The Ride. It is the cathedral of our sport, where we worship at the altar of the Man with the Hammer. It is the end to our means. Indeed, The Bike may be the central tool to our sport, but to turn the pedals is to experience the sensation of freedom, of flight. It is all for The Ride.The world is overflowing with small, twisty roads that capture ou...

@Chris's posts:

  1. Yesterdays ride. I’ll put together a ride report and the results of the fund raising but everything hurts too much at the moment. http://www.strava.com/activities/191566883#kudos »

The Bike. It is the central tool in pursuit of our craft. A Velominatus meticulously maintains their bicycles and adorns them with the essential, yet minimal, accoutrement. The Rules specify the principles of good taste in configuration and setup of our machines, but within those principles lies almost infinite room for personal taste.It seems in s...

@Chris's posts:

  1. @Nate Cannondale Hollowgram SI. Stiff as fuck and the spider is removable so you can switch between a compact for grovelling in the mountains or standard for crushing the pave. The black versions look better but they were an ebay bargain I couldn’t turn … »

  2. It’s not been posted for a long time and it’s changed a bit – new bars (Rotundos in for Ergonovas), brakes (Ultegra for Tektros) and wheels (Ultegra just coz I felt like it). Slightly odd location but I was bored waiting for a train on the way to Manches… »

  3. @Nate Photoshopped. And the fat lady is about to disqualify him for crossing the line and daring to appear in public in that kit. »

There was never any question in my mind that tubulars are more romantic than clinchers, and as a Velominatus I was always convinced that the additional time and care that goes into gluing on a set of tires would make you feel just that much more connected to your bike and the history of the sport itself. I was skeptical, however, that tubs would ri...

@Chris's posts:

  1. @MangoDave No. Does that tick the more opinionated box? @frank There was some fairly hard packed gravel on the Monsal Trail section of yesterday’s Manchester to London ride. 27mm Open Paves dealt with it as easily as they did with the really shitt… »

I have met @chris on the original Keepers Tour. He seemed like a reasonable person at the time. Then again, @rob passes himself off  as a rational person yet he signed up for the Too Much on 100 ride and completed it. People sign up for these crazy rides because it forces them to get in the best shape possible. It makes these long rides more enjoy...

@Chris's posts:

  1. If anyone is interested the jersey is still up for grabs: http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Signed-Official-2013-Team-Garmin-Sharp-Jersey-Autographed-by-the-2013-Team-/131285079892?pt=UK_Sports_Memorabilia_ET&hash=item1e91335754 »

The modern day Pro cyclist has many disadvantages stacked against them by comparison to their forefathers. They have to ride plastic bikes with little or no distinguishing character or discernible caché; they must willingly or perhaps unwittingly subject their body to an array of questionable “training techniques”; and they have to sp...

@Chris's posts:

  1. @Teocalli Stage Cogal – now there’s a thought. That said I might be keeping my multi day, overseas options open in case there is KT15. »

  2. @Teocalli Damn, I was hoping you’d turn up in V-Kit and do a quick ton on my bike whilst I had a snooze in the back of your wife’s car. Or at the very least you’d tow me for bit. Enjoy your Imperial (proper) ton on Sunday.   we should set up a spring co… »

I have met @chris on the original Keepers Tour. He seemed like a reasonable person at the time. Then again, @rob passes himself off  as a rational person yet he signed up for the Too Much on 100 ride and completed it. People sign up for these crazy rides because it forces them to get in the best shape possible. It makes these long rides more enjoy...

@Chris's posts:

  1. This now seems rather alarmingly real and imminent! The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a mixed bag training wise. I was on holiday with the family, a week in Devon and a week in France down near Perpignan. Devon was ridiculously steep – two of th… »