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Velominatus: FNG

Order: Level 3 Velominatus

Location: Fair Oaks, CA

@FNG's activity:

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. - Bill Hicks That famous quote from the Greatest Comedian Of All Time™ has resonated with me for many years. It became my silent mantra, as I don’t suffer fools gladly and sometimes don’t make much effort to conceal the fact. Lately, I̵...

@FNG's posts:

  1. For me, anytime I meet someone who rides bikes (not necessarily a cyclist &, as we all know, there is a difference) I will find out their mobile number or email & send them a link to The Rules. This link comes with the admonition, “You’ve got to c… »

We are cyclists, the rest of the world merely rides a bike. What defines us as cyclists? Can a recumbent rider be a cyclist, a unicyclist, a fat recumbent rider with hairy legs and a YJA on? I think yes but am I snob for even asking?Years ago, I was helping a woman at another research institution set up some scientific equipment. Evidently we kept...

@FNG's posts:

  1. Some things that make one a cyclist: You have a bike & ride it You know what “Shut up legs!” means & who famously said it You ogle others bikes like most men stare at nubile young women on the street You ride a Bro-set of Grouppo, NOT a Group-… »

Rule #33- Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times.This is one of the Rules that really defines the term Cyclist to the Velominati. Discussions about Rule #33 flare up on the site occasionally, burn brightly then smolder out. Between faces and legs, it is a lot of man-scraping. Rule #33 is a task master. Compliance is one thing, defending i...

@FNG's posts:

  1. I think winter is the best time for shaved guns. Belgian knee warmers feel fantastic, real knee warmers feel better, & nothing feels better than a pair of slacks or chinos over freshly shaved guns. Even though they can’t be seen, you know they’re ther… »

When it comes to Rule Compliance, we have at our disposal three viable options. The first is to Obey the Rules. That one is pretty straight-forward because we wrote them down for you and also went to the great length of writing a book on the subject, partly as a public service to those suffering from insomnia. But The Rules are full of apparent...

@FNG's posts:

  1. @KW  Yeah, I give him a pass on the nose candy. No way that helps you ride any better & it was not in competition. I love the Northern Classics & there are no harder men today than Spartacus & Tommeke. Much respect for those guys »

  2. Btw, Tommeke is the baddest motherfucker in the bunch. He’s so hard, he doesn’t even wear gloves when riding De Ronde & P-R. He should have a wallet like Jules in Pulp Fiction »

  3. By my way of thinking, the pros are all hardmen (Schleck the younger excepted) otherwise they would not be pros. Pros get a pass on any violations simply because they get paid to ride & we don’t. Being a pro is inherently transcendent. If you get popp… »

There was a time when the world was painted in hues of black and white. Right and Wrong were separated by lines painted in such a thick, heavy paint that even to wander close was to already alter your very nature. The Elders taught us on which side we were to dwell and what evils would descend upon us if we were to transcend into the void. Litt...

@FNG's posts:

  1. Having been a hood ornament with a taco’d front wheel to show for it, as well as crashed by a foolish non-cyclist riding on the wrong side of my local bike trail, I can say, unequivocally: the only truly safe road is one that’s closed, generally for a rac… »

There are two ways in life to be good at something. The first way is the most obvious, which is to actually be good at something. This is harder than it sounds because you need things like skills, talent, fortitude, and light sabers. The other way doesn’t require those things but it has its own challenges; basically, you have to be holistical...

@FNG's posts:

  1. @frank Agree with Frahnk that, on it’s surface, American Flyers is a steaming pile of 80s garbage. However, that is part of its awesomeness. How can you not fondly remember that era when watching it? The sheer dearth of fictional stories having anythin… »

  2. @zeitzmar Just buy her a proper helmet. Agreed that “skater-type helmets” are an abomination on a road bike. I’ve never met a woman who would turn down a gifted piece of clothing, shoes, or the like. I’m sure cycling helmets & your girl fit this max… »

  3. @Wah-Balls  I have it on DVD & it is all kinds of awesome. Once you’ve got it up, keep it up!! I regularly rotate that, Breaking Away, & A Sunday in Hell »

There was a time when I held down ‘real jobs’. Jobs with (a little) stress, with (some) responsibility, but without soul. And while dealing with the great unwashed public never held much appeal, I always envied the guys who worked at my preferred LBS. They seemingly had it all––an endless supply of cheap bikes and parts, hanging out and s...

@FNG's posts:

  1. For me Rule #58 is, by far, the hardest to abide by. I have a very hard time choking down double the cost of a part in service of supporting the LBS. It’s also very annoying to try to talk to some kid half my age who only cares about MTB or FGFS who I’ve f… »

Maybe it’s the milestone of aging that I recently reached. It could be an awareness of the unique foibles of this sport/activity/pastime that I practice. Possibly, I just woke up one day and realised that this is a weird thing for a middle-aged man to be doing. The time for reassessment hit me, involuntarily and without warning. And I’m...

@FNG's posts:

  1. Once upon a time (before parenthood), I rode at least 4-5 days per week & at least 250km per week. Nowadays, it’s usually only once a week. Sometimes I think I should just skip it & blow the froth off a few Belgian ales instead. Even though I’m no… »

This note arrived to the Velominati Bunker back in April. It was a confession. It was a cautionary one. Everyone knows someone who has done this. I nearly did it myself*. I replied to Alex, not sympathetically enough yet his message has stayed with me. Is this worthy of a New Rule? Yours in Cycling, Gianni Continue reading...

@FNG's posts:

  1. Drive a truck & use a Thule Insta-gater rack: »

The divisive nature of Rule #29 is not to be underestimated. It is but a humble satchel, but our rejection of its use sends people completely out of their minds. One fine gentleman even threatened my editor at Cyclist Magazine with cancellation of his subscription on the basis that they published an article wherein I espoused the virtues of goi...

@FNG's posts:

  1. @Nate Very cool. I have several very old friends who live in that area. I’m in Sacto myself. Next time I go down to visit, I’ll msg you & we can see if Gianni’s right about you ripping my legs off! »

  2. @Nate btw, what part of CA are you in anyway? »

  3. @Nate  It’s painfully cliche, but that actually did make me Laugh Out Loud. Cheers brother, nothing but love here. Tubbies or tubeless :-) »

  4. You guys can hate & bust balls all you want about me saying “dude” & espousing the virtues of tubeless. I’m 40 & from California. We say dude here. Tubeless gives you most, if not all, the benefits of both tubs & clinchers. Those are the f… »

  5. @Nate I’ve got to call bullshit on that dude. Most wheel manufacturers also include a dork disc & even reflectors on their wheels. Does that mean you use those??? Warnings against tubeless conversion are strictly a liability issue. I can state unequiv… »

  6. @Ron  there are several types of tape that will allow conversion of a standard clincher rim to tubeless. Of course, Stan’s sells tape to do it, as does AmericanClassic. I’ve even done it the cheap way & used Gorilla tape procured at Home Depot. it req… »

  7. Being a Velominatus, I am inherently keen on tradition & cycling history. However, I cannot see why one would run tubs unless blessed with a support vehicle. I personally detest tubes with all that is in me. Traditional clinchers or tubs are both subj… »

This guest post was sent to us from Frank’s sister about her son Willem. When I read the post I was thinking Frank’s sister had written it and that all Stracks have the same dreamy cyclo-centric writing style, damn them all. But, as usual, I was wrong. Frank’s sister did write this:This was written by my friend Dan, who took Wille...

@FNG's posts:

  1. This is all kinds of awesome. I can only hope that my kids (4 y/o & 2 y/o) will be bitten by the same bug we’ve all been felled by & take to loving this glorious sport as much as their Daddy. Very cool guest article! »

Anecdotal research suggests that people are being let off-leash without adequate training to perform basic activities such as walking on sidewalks or through airports and busy city centers. I’m assuming this expands to shopping malls, but I never go there so I can’t be sure. It’s easy to blame the mobile phones which apparentl...

@FNG's posts:

  1. I call ‘em like I see ‘em. Let’s be honest. Most Americans woefully lack self awareness. Common sense is decidedly uncommon. I work in hospitals, often needing to transport hundreds of pounds of equipment & implants via had cart. I’ve nearly crushed m… »

We recently lost our beloved Great Dane, Kirki, who we nicknamed Beene for reasons that elude logic. She was a good dog, more sweet than clever. A sad side effect of big dog breeds and their short lives is that it wasn’t until nearly the end of her life that she made certain key discoveries about the world. Such as that weighing nearly 65 kil...

@FNG's posts:

  1. I read that review. Two words for that slap-dick motherfucker: DOUCHE & BAG »

The proclamation is heard in the office, on social media, at the bar with friends; “It’s leg day.” When someone utters “it’s leg day” the accompanying tone of resentment and even dread is usually followed by an audible “ugh”. This exasperation belies one fact, the person making the utterance is not a...

@FNG's posts:

  1. @KW, One of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever been given is this, “It is far better to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission.”  After riding for several years Chewbacca-style, I began shaving after being punished for straying from the road on an… »

Disregarding my Schwinn Typhoon, I started keeping score with my 1976 Peugeot PX 10 LE. It came with a Stronglight 52 x 45 and a 14 x 21 five speed freewheel. I always thought this Peugeot was set up for the pavé of northern France with those gears and wire-wrapped and soldered 3x tubular wheels. Yet according to Peugeot’s advertising, this...

@FNG's posts:

  1. @Chris You don’t even know me douchebag, let alone how copious my V account is. Having worked in Orthopaedics for in excess of 10 years, I can assure you that potential knee damage resulting from pushing larger gears is given much more blame for injury th… »