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Velominatus: Owen

Order: Level 2 Velominatus

Professional bacteria geek and amateur brewer of beer

@Owen's activity:

The Whale Shark is the biggest nonmammalian vertebrate* on the planet, rivaling the dinosaurs for size. How do you feed yourself when you’re that huge without loading up on carbs all the time? Easy, you swim around with your mouth wide open for 22 hours a day and hope enough food swims in there to take the edge off the hunger pangs. Cycl...

@Owen's posts:

  1. Or is this like pornography, i.e. I’ll know it when I see it? »

  2. I’ll answer half my question, because I was being mildly facetious: I don’t think bottles belong on the handlebars, because it just looks silly, but where in the devil does riding ugly stop being fantastic? »

  3. Two things: 1. I believe that I am yet a young velominatus, but it seems to me that there is a continuum of fantastic. In this case, riding ugly appears to go around the Horn, so to speak, back into looking fantastic? Does this apply to other ugly riding… »

Brad Wiggins is sitting at home, watching his team implode at a Tour de France he was not invited to.What’s on his mind? An attempt at the Hour Record, that’s what. Now that the UCI has allowed riders to mount a conventional (track) time trial machine in their efforts and the likes of Boardman, Obree, Moser, Rominger, and Indurain all...

@Owen's posts:

  1. @Buck Rogers I’d tune in, especially if there were some system by which we could drunkenly support/heckle him as he destroys himself. And/or compares himself to some sort of ubermench at the start like this one. »

  2. @ChrisO It was a ridiculous division – why did it stop at Merckx? Why not insist on replicas of bikes from 1910? Why not set an altitude limit? I think this is an important point. Yes, records were set on specific sets of equipment, but innovation is ke… »

Rule #33- Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times.This is one of the Rules that really defines the term Cyclist to the Velominati. Discussions about Rule #33 flare up on the site occasionally, burn brightly then smolder out. Between faces and legs, it is a lot of man-scraping. Rule #33 is a task master. Compliance is one thing, defending it t...

@Owen's posts:

  1. @PeakInTwoYears This is why I shave the guns through the winter. Even if I’m not on the bike I can at least look fantastic, and this motivates me to maintain my Flemish tan lines, after which I may smite mine enemies who haven’t gotten off their duffs … »

  2. @anthony Screw those guys, trolls exist errrwhere »

  3. @therealpeel The VMH gets asked all the time if it creeps her out. She has the common decency to reply that it’s far from the creepiest thing I do. It’s also funny to make people uncomfortable by loudly being concerned that I missed a spot. »

Yes, this makes three Guest Articles in three weeks, but we run the show around here and we do what we want. Especially when it comes to solid, 24-karat gold Cyclist/Rock star comparisons. Especiallier when it comes from none other than Keeper Jim’s lovely wife and food-writer celebrity, Jess Thomson. Its cute seeing the family come togethe...

@Owen's posts:

  1. Maybe Teutons pluck their eyebrows. Don’t make his even more Teutonic cousins come after you. »

When it comes to Rule Compliance, we have at our disposal three viable options. The first is to Obey the Rules. That one is pretty straight-forward because we wrote them down for you and also went to the great length of writing a book on the subject, partly as a public service to those suffering from insomnia. But The Rules are full of apparent...

@Owen's posts:

  1. @Chris In the interests of science, let’s see if Mini Phinney dancing like the creepy uncle at a wedding actually breaks something. @wilburrox That was last year’s Tirreno »

  2. @Cogfather Fair enough. Phinney could ride my legs off, pink pants or not. »

  3. Does Phinney’s hair and choice of pants color disqualify him from compliance in any way? Or does he get a pass in light of his current TT champion status? »

  4. Tommeke and Faboo always look the balls, no question. Cancellara has the added compliance of generally observing Rule #47 immediately upon crushing his enemies and hearing the lamentations of their women,. »

Maybe it’s the narcissist in me or maybe I never really learned how to share properly, but I prefer my birthday over Christmas. My birthday is the one day of the year where everything is about me. No feigning interest in other people’s gifts, no getting distracted by any greater meaning. Just me and my loot, as it was meant to be. Spea...

@Owen's posts:

  1. @Ccos There’s a guy on the floor above me who watches the stages every day because he gets up that early anyway. I always have to be careful and preface our interactions with I have/have not watched today’s stage yet. »

  2. In terms of the original posting, when I first started my current job I told my boss that I would be late for most of July, since the stages don’t finish until 8:30 or 9 AM local time. Holiday, indeed. »

  3. @wiscot Yeah Steephill is how I generally watch races that aren’t on TV, and I’m super sure to shut the popups very carefully, lest I go to or someplace. The issue is really that the VMH doesn’t like getting up early, much less to watch a… »

  4. Cut out the cable this year in favor of Hulu Plus for TV shows. Problem with this is that cycling isn’t on Hulu and the VMH isn’t interested in getting up and watching grainy feeds in the office. Anyone have advice on getting the Tour (and others) from th… »

Tempo means time in Italian. Riding tempo means riding steadily, like a metronome. It is an important skill to have and since it’s Italian, it sounds cool. What it does not mean is riding at a constant speed, half-wheeling or killing it at the front. Riding at a constant speed is like having cruise control on in a car; the car seems to accelerate...

@Owen's posts:

  1. Only 8 comments on this? And only one comment regarding a spider humping a lightbulb? Man we are slacking. Personally I’d rather see a full ban on race radios with the exception of officials warning of hazards crashes etc, and a return to the days of Fau… »

Chamois leather used in cycling shorts looked like this only once, before the first washing. After that one had to slather cream onto it to attempt to restore it to its former soft smoothness, which was impossible. I have written a reverence article on chamois cream and I vowed then to never google “saddle sore images” again, hence a b...

@Owen's posts:

  1. @therealpeel it’s a safe space. Sure. Keep telling yourself that. It’s like I say Frank Frank Frank and he has to appear. »

  2. @Chris Yes? »

  3. @VeloJello Grew up in a family of doctors and have thus a warped idea of what should and should not pass the filter. »

  4. @Mike_P This is how we can easily tell those of us who work either directly or indirectly with health care. This sort of thing is dinner table conversation. »

Climbing is something I enjoy more than I am good at it; any time I see a new road pointing up to the heavens, I find myself irresistibly drawn to explore where it leads. Every season I come to the conclusion that my training routes are all very hilly and I arrive at the brilliant idea that I should plot out a new course which seeks out the flatt...

@Owen's posts:

  1. Reminds me of two things. First, when we were in Napa a year ago I decided that I was going to just keep riding up at one point. Turns out those hills are steeper than then seem. Second is the parallel to the 1600 meter in high school track. The first tw… »

I’m not even talking about all the pseudo-asthmatics out there, vaping their way to better breathing. My breathing is just fine. It’s my little citron sized heart that is slowing me down. Is there a street-legal injection or vacuum pump for heart enlargement, or a trip to a doctor in the Congo that would transplant a badass Mandrill heart for m...

@Owen's posts:

  1. @Fausto Crapiz you sir are more of a prophet and less of an internet commentor »

  2. @Fausto Crapiz what that kid needs, see, is a swift kick in the ass, a haircut, and a bike. Maybe just the first two. »