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Velominatus: VeloJello

Order: Gray Order Velominatus

Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne, North East England

Social: Website /

Life long cyclist. History of VeloJellos bikes - 1977-1982 Raleigh Boxer 1983-1986 Raleigh Burner (Gold with black mags) 1987-1990 Raleigh Mustang 1994-1997 Gary Fisher Big Sur 1997-1999 Gary Fisher Level Betty 1 2001-2003 Scott Racing Ltd Edition 2003-2004 Powerlite BMX 2003-2006 Gary Fisher Tassajjara 2007-2010 Schwinn Mesa GS 2010-now Giant XTC 4 2013-now Moda Echo Ltd Edition. Ex BMX and MTB privateer. Father of four. A life long lover of the velo but noob of the road. Been battling weight for a long time, its fair to say I am a definite clyde. I try to ride every day. I don't hold a driving licence, always never felt I needed to whilst I had two wheels between my legs. Commute every day, everywhere. I hate climbs, I need to learn to love them.

@VeloJello's activity:

I love wine. I mean, I like beer and scotch and can’t resist ordering a Vesper whenever I pretend to be a gentleman spy, but I love wine. As a semi-professional drinker, the biggest worry I have is that should my as-yet undiagnosed problem with alcohol become a diagnosed problem with alcohol, I’d have to stop drinking wine. A full...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @markb Ha ha. Love it. »

  2. Your preaching to the converted here. I was Mountain Biking throughout my 20’s and 30’s, and am a relevantly new road rider. I can say I crashed on average once a week when MTB’ing and when I spent a year doing downhill I had the nickname “Tree Magnet”, s… »

Does a bike have a soul? I can’t make that argument, I don’t think I do either, actually. But we do invest a lot of emotion, pride and dare I say love in our bikes. We form emotional bonds to inanimate objects all the time. My favorite old dead car had to sit in the driveway for another year falling further into rusty disrepair before...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. I like the way, you know, when you stumble upon an old article. This made me think of Shinto-ism. The japanese religion where to put it simply all objects have a “Kami” or soul/spirit within them. »

The Bike. It is the central tool in pursuit of our craft. A Velominatus meticulously maintains their bicycles and adorns them with the essential, yet minimal, accoutrement. The Rules specify the principles of good taste in configuration and setup of our machines, but within those principles lies almost infinite room for personal taste.It seems in s...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @ChrissyOne Gorgeous. Needs to be built and ridden. Classic frames, unadorned like this, always make me feel sad. »

Happy living in our stressful lives is all about organization. For instance, I like to sort the tasks first by priority and then group tasks of equal priority into buckets of minor priorities. Software developers creatively call this approach to organization a “bucket sort”. This helps break down what appears to be an insurmountable me...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @Frank As some have already commented, the article is wonderfully timed. Yesterdays ride in to work and back, NE UK was a reasonable 19c. This morning I was smuggling peanuts under the jersey in a fucking freezing 5c. Still, the sun was shining, the winds… »

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @Teocalli True, true. Foam would be easier. I’ve used my chain tool once in 20 years of riding (bet I’ve gone and fucking jinxed that now) and rarely use the multi tool when on rides too (again, jinxed). Ensuring a smooth rule compliant machine tends t… »

This article started off as a Reverence for the Camelbak Podium, and might still be, who knows, it’s late and my mind is scrambled. As often happens when searching for a suitable image for an article, tangents often appear from nowhere and derail the original train of thought. Soon one finds oneself careening out of control towards the only...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @girl Second that or dishwasher them after each ride. I prefer clear bottles with a black cap. Black goes with everything! I’m not ashamed to say I buy the £1.50 Halfords cheapies. The look good. Feel good. Work good. And 500ml max so rule compliant to … »

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @Mikael Liddy One would hope those parts are held in place. With big fucking magnets perhaps? But could call sir, good call. »

All hail, the Worlds are upon us. The time trials should be events where all VSP participants can rack up some decent points. Remove team tactics, national team versus trade team allegiances, using this event to train for another event, bonking and hanging onto team cars from the equation. All one is left with are possible flat tire, possible mecha...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. VSP PICKS: 1. Van Dijk 2. Solovey 3. Garfoot 4. Duyck 5. Brennmauer »

@Bianchi_Bob sent his article in just this week. Its sense of urgency required it to be published NOW. We all need reminding to live in the moment; here is a good reminder. Thanks Bianchi Bob. Yours in Cycling, Gianni Continue reading...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @Bianchi_Bob Brilliant news! Pass on our congrats. »

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. Topeak working on more ways to avoid a Rule #29 violation… Multi tool and chain tool hidden in the bar ends. They all had a concept pump built into the seat tube too. More room in my fat ass jersey pockets for Brioche if these babys ever go into produ… »

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. - Bill Hicks That famous quote from the Greatest Comedian Of All Time™ has resonated with me for many years. It became my silent mantra, as I don’t suffer fools gladly and sometimes don’t make much effort to conceal the fact. Lately, I̵...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @Teocalli Sheer class. Chapeau sir, chapeu. »

Stupidity is a powerful force never to be underestimated. Geese are a good example; a more stupid vertebrate one would be most challenged to come across yet should you wander into a flock of them pecking about peacefully in a field, one is likely to erupt from its grazing to grab a billful of your ass and commence beating you savagely with it...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @Wiscot Ha, I had forgotten about those old Ever Readys! Used to have them on my Raleigh for doing the paper round, when I were a lad. Fucking awful things. Spent all my paper round wages on batteries. »

  2. @Mikael Liddy I think it’s fair to say any driver in their right mind would give you a wide berth dressed like that. And I mean that in the nicest sense. »

  3. @Harminator Ha ha! Nice use of Python… »

  4. @frank Sold, worth sticking on the seat tube too? Presumably peels off easily one the nights start getting lighter? »

  5. Loads of great tips and stories, thanks! There, it seems, is nothing quite like a “Car vs Bike” article to polarise opionions. Particularly so in the UK. Urban Riding Tip 1 is the most important. I’ve shared many a shaken headed look of disapproval with … »

@Bianchi_Bob sent his article in just this week. Its sense of urgency required it to be published NOW. We all need reminding to live in the moment; here is a good reminder. Thanks Bianchi Bob. Yours in Cycling, Gianni Continue reading...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. Thanks so much for sharing such a heart warming and deeply personal story. It’s fair to say all our lives are touched by cancer in some way (my wife has had two battles and I lost my mother at a young age to it), and the way your family is stoically deali… »

We are cyclists, the rest of the world merely rides a bike. What defines us as cyclists? Can a recumbent rider be a cyclist, a unicyclist, a fat recumbent rider with hairy legs and a YJA on? I think yes but am I snob for even asking?Years ago, I was helping a woman at another research institution set up some scientific equipment. Evidently we kept...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. What a great question. I “am” cycling. It is my transport. It is my hobby. It is my watercooler conversation. It is my drug. My lover. My worst enemy. My comfort, and my pain. When friends or colleagues are shopping for bikes or need bike related advice… »

The Bike. It is the central tool in pursuit of our craft. A Velominatus meticulously maintains their bicycles and adorns them with the essential, yet minimal, accoutrement. The Rules specify the principles of good taste in configuration and setup of our machines, but within those principles lies almost infinite room for personal taste.It seems in s...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @Teocalli Sweet! A chap was riding one of these at the Haydon Hundred back in June. Beautiful bike. »

  2. @Chris Black cranks are sexy and de riguer, but looking back at some of my old 90’s bikes the silver crank could easily make a revival. Plus you don’t get that annoying scuff/wear mark on them… »

  3. Best. Dad (or Mum). Ever. »

Did everyone got tired of seeing a nearly naked Marcel Kittel on the massage table for the Tour’s VSP page? I know I didn’t. Young Kennaugh will be sporting his British road race jersey and his proper shoe/sock pairing in this Vuelta. Get used to it. Ladies and gentleman we have a race. We have some Giro winners, we have some Tour...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. @Teocalli I bet his facial expression didn’t change once. Seeing someone do the double would’ve been nice.  Oh well. »

  2. @Floridian There was a great interview on Eurosport with Valverde and Quintana together on a golf cart. They agreed that Quintana was for the GC, Valverde for a few stage wins. Quintana will smash this in the Mountains, I have no doubt. Can I put it o… »

I hesitate to file this in the Guest Article category. It would be better filed under fellow un-rewarded pirate cycling-site writer, if we had such a file. @winnipegcyclechick does all of her site’s writing, her graphics are usually hers and much too funny. Frankly, she makes me sick. And, AND, she can make the jokes we can’t make lest...

@VeloJello's posts:

  1. Oh my days. It seems the 80’s “BMX Boys having fun, popping air and doing stunts” was just as alive both sides of the atlantic. We used to go to “The Pond”, an old dried out water hole on our estate, where I often would hit the gravel from my Raleigh Burn… »