Anatomy of a Photo: The Bowels of Spectating

Anatomy of a Photo: The Bowels of Spectating

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Perusing the Velominati Archives of Cycling Photos Liberated from the Interwebs (VACPLI), I stumbled across this little gem. I’m sure they are lovely people on the inside, but this photo showcases one of the most unflattering examples of spectators we find along the roadside of the Great Races. I’m not sure how you can be at the Queen Stage of the 2009 Tour – on the final climb no less – watching the key break led by three of the finest climbers in the world, and look quite so…constipated.

Here we have a misguided Euro hipster doing his best impression of an American Frat boy douchnozzle. Whomever decided it was cool to perch a baseball cap backwards and tilted like a yarmulke should be given a stern talking to. I can only assume this a strategy to protect the neck from flying debris. Unacceptable. Please review the three-point system immediately. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

The cap on what I’m guessing is a woman with unnecessarily wide shoulders letting out a Bantha call is really no better, but can be blamed on the Tour caravan that passes before the race and distributes this type of paraphernalia to fans whose judgement has been impaired by a combination of sun exposure, boredom, excitement, and copious quantities of alcohol. Nevertheless, those hats should be summarily incinerated, and all photographic evidence destroyed.

 

// Anatomy of a Photo

  1. @all
    Sometime back, I gave you my opinion about side-of-the-road dress code for any major race: I love the linen suit and straw panama for the Tour. For the colder stages or Spring Classics, I’m all about the heavy weight wool slacks paired with a classic tweed sport coat and herringbone Donegal cap. If it’s muddy or wet, pair up the tweed with Wellies (real ones). And don’t forget a proper umbrella.

    And never never never denim. I don’t care how much you paid for those jeans. Denim screams, “I’m not trying very hard.”

    Until the rest of the world stops running naked along side the peloton, I think a tie is required. You really have to step it up and fight the forces of evil.

  2. @Harminator
    Which one’s Marcus?

  3. @il ciclista medio
    Here is kiwicyclist pre-race (on right)

    And here he is putting some smack on the field coming into the final straight. A kinda cool photo til you realise the person he has gapped is a chick.

  4. @Marcus
    What are you raising money for? That should cost someone at least a large.

  5. @Jeff in PetroMetro

    Not everyone is classy enough to get away with a cravat. (I’m on the left)

  6. @Marcus
    Anatomy of A Photo–lose that fucking huge bottle, kiwicyclist. And colored bibs? Really? Sock length looks great. Love the shallow drops on the bars–very current, very now. Running the big ring, layin’ down the V. Everyone behind is inhaling wasps while kc is casually deliberate. Quien es mas macho? kiwicyclist es mas macho.

  7. @sgt
    I’m good with gross generalizations. I think you’re absolutely right about Americans dressing like five-year-olds. And the Ugg thing has to stop sometime soon. My daughter won’t take hers off, even when it’s 23C outside.

    Oh, that’s another thing besides no denim on the side of the road. No Velominata in Uggs or flip-flops. They’re tired. They’re gonna have that acid washed jeans and rats nest hairband feel five years from now. Maybe some ballet flats this year, ladies?

  8. @Marcus
    @Harminator
    @Jeff in PetroMetro
    I’m taking full credit for lighting a fire under this thread… first rate work, y’all!

    And that rainbow jersey’s the bees’ fuckin’ knees…

  9. @Harminator
    Plaid Stallions – the name of my 70’s porn star ensemble. Leeesure suits and all. Where did you find this? It looks like one of those dress maker patterns my grandmother used to have next to the Singer sewing machine

  10. @Marcus
    awesome

    correction – two chick’s

  11. @Marcus
    on closer inspection –
    1 x chick
    1 x old bloke

  12. Marcus :
    @il ciclista medio Here is kiwicyclist pre-race (on right)

    And here he is putting some smack on the field coming into the final straight. A kinda cool photo til you realise the person he has gapped is a chick.

    Ahhh C grade with Southern at Sandown Raceway the home of our bogan V8 taxi racing, nags and I think dishlickers as well. Crit season nearly all over for us, soon it will be wet and windy road racing season. Bring it.

    Excellent observation and commentating skills on the topics photo – very entertaining for a wet and cold Friday afternoon.

  13. il ciclista medio :
    @Marcus on closer inspection –1 x chick1 x old bloke

    Correct – 3rd wheel is a bloke in a Celtic Decor kit, a local club team.

  14. @Ron
    Fuck you, Ron. Don’t rub it in. (Sorry if that sounds a bit surly). You may atone by providing full, detailed reports. Don’t forget to tell us about your choice in Belgian beers, how many grams of frites you consumed, and the tobacco preferences of the locals.

    @Jeff in PetroMetro
    I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist the bait on issues sartorial.

  15. And here he is putting some smack on the field coming into the final straight. A kinda cool photo til you realise the person he has gapped is a chick.

    If you look closely you will see Marcus swallowing a wasp immediately behind the rider in the yellow and blue jersey after being gapped by the author and the chick.

    (I haven’t had a gift like this since my last birthday – cheers M)

    @Jeff in Petrometro
    Good question regarding TV recognition of Velominati on the side of the road. Any suggestions are welcome…(In truth I’ll probably be wearing the new version of the Toro kit we having made…or my team NZ skinsuit ’cause its the ducks nuts).

  16. @Kiwicyclist

    So, is it Marcus’ lead out train then KC?
    KC, a chick, old bloke and some random? Awesome

  17. il ciclista medio:
    @Kiwicyclist
    So, is it Marcus’ lead out train then KC?
    KC, a chick, old bloke and some random? Awesome

    Ok – before it was fun – now it is getting out of hand! I promise that wasn’t the last lap!

  18. @Nate
    You got me hook, line, and sinker.

    @Kiwicyclist
    All joking about viewing wardrobe aside, I don’t know how Velominati can stand out on TV. Behaving like a cycling fan without crossing over into the realm of psychotic media whore will probably leave you invisible. TV producers and camera men automatically focus on the truly insane. If you’re riding up a climb, I guess you pick your favorite kit and wear it (although I’m not a fan of standing around in cycling kit).

    What if you waved a large flag with the V-cog? All of us could spot that, no problem.

  19. @Ron

    So when does the Velominati campaign to place at least one sharply dressed Follower in all photos of major races for 2011 begin?
    I can cover the Ronde and P-R next week…

    I say grassroots is the best way; you get out there and start it! We will be looking for you, do us proud. I’m thinking derby hat and can or umbrella along with a nice wool three-piece suit. Harris Tweed if possible.

    Aside from Scottish wool, the only thing besides Spandex that touches this body is hand-made Italian suits.

  20. @sgt

    Never forget that one of the benefits of being a cyclist is being thin enough to wear bitchin’ clothes that make us look even more fabulous. La Vie Velominatus should extend to off the bike as well.

    Sometimes Truth just jumps right out of a page. I love that this has come back to fashion.

    @Jeff in PetroMetro
    In case no one else has pointed it out, the fashion discussion was over on Casually Deliberate.

  21. frank:
    @Jeff in PetroMetro
    In case no one else has pointed it out, the fashion discussion was over on Casually Deliberate.

    One of my favorite articles.. I just went back and skimmed it for fun. Gotta give a shoutout to Steampunk, tho. As he so rightly noted, being Casually Deliberate requires laying down The V (or at least the potential thereof), but looking good doing it. We must be Casually Deliberate, not Deliberately Casual.

  22. @ Frank – yeah, I try to make certain that the only clothes to touch my body are the finest.

    Is it just me or has cycling made anyone else a fit-freak? Since I wear Lycra for a few hours a day I can now no longer stand any clothes that don’t fit me just so. I go crazy. It’s like a new obsessive compulsiveness.

    It’s weird. Baggy clothes or ill-fitting ones or poorly cut clothes drive me crazy.

  23. Say what you want. Down here in the humid SE (USA) my favorite off-bike attire during the summer is a pair of baggy under armour shorts, t-shirt, slides, topped by with a yellow Discovery Cycling Team cap. I may switch up this year for a Garmin-Cervelo cap. I’m all about comfort over style, got really comfortable with the “i’m not trying too hard” style back in the 70’s. Yea, I have ties in my closet but I only wear one a couple times of year if I can help it.

  24. Thankyou all for another fabulous read.
    I’d typed out a tirade against all low-rent bogan’s with no teeth and fashion clone/victims, then stopped as the thought struck;

    “What would Jens wear?”

  25. Ron:
    Is it just me or has cycling made anyone else a fit-freak? Since I wear Lycra for a few hours a day I can now no longer stand any clothes that don’t fit me just so. I go crazy. It’s like a new obsessive compulsiveness.

    I experienced the same thing lately. Good news is that many clothing stores have “slim” and “super slim” lines that fit really well. I just gave away a bag of five baggy shirts and replaced them with three that feel really great.

    frank:
    Aside from Scottish wool, the only thing besides Spandex that touches this body is hand-made Italian suits.

    And shoes! After wearing cycling shoes that fit so well, one has to seek out a similar pair for off the bike. The problem with buying a nice pair of Italian oxfords is that you realize why some shoes are so expensive.

    If you can help it, don’t Google “Santoni.”

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