Archive | The Rules

Mr Strack, Mr Merckx and The Rules

How Did We Get to Here?

by / / 99 posts

How did we get to here? Here is Frank, the founder of Velominati, standing next to Eddy Merckx. Eddy is looking at The Rules, in Rouleur’s book-zine format. Frank is in his best button down sweater, trying to keep his shit together. And it is not easy for him to do this as Rouleur has…

Your partner's better be better.   photo: Eroica Cicli

Rule #12: The Fine Print

by / / 74 posts

Rule #12. Someone was working overtime to come up with this beauty. One should always be dreaming about the next bike unless the next bike means divorce, restraining orders and/or living in a van down by the river. Velominati need and enjoy having some limits set as were are prone to excess in all things.…

Everything is so right.

The Aesthete’s Choice

by / / 73 posts

It has not escaped my attention that as I’ve evolved away from my original profession as a software developer and moved towards systems and solutions architecture and management, that I have tended to focus more on the theoretical aspects that support its fundamental principles rather than on the discrete activities that drive its execution. Being further removed from the work, it…

Misty Mountain Hop

The Nine Kit

by / / 77 posts

Riding in bad weather is an incredible experience assuming you don’t fall off and break your hip, or you don’t get hit by a car. Those realities aside, the weather adds a dimension to the ride that you simply don’t have on a sunny day, lovely as they are. The other day I was riding early…

Hold That Thought- image by ride2monza

Rule #55: Earn Your Turns

by / / 28 posts

I did go out seeking endorphins and inspiration. These articles don’t just write themselves. A climb and descent might just get enough O2 to the brain to knock something loose. Descending from our climb I did get inspired. An article about Rule #55; a descent is enjoyed so much more if you climbed it first.…

Rule #41 Violation forces Tour Champ to swap bikes.

On Rule #41: Garbage Collectors

by / / 80 posts

Look, people. We’re not making this up; we’re mainlining this shit straight from the rivers of Truth flowing down the slopes of Mount Velomis. They draw from the history and culture of the sport, and from good common sense. They make sense, in fact, even if the Keepers don’t necessarily know why at the time…

The Master

Guest Article: Testing Rule #12

by / / 57 posts

If Rule #12 does not smolder deep in your soul, you might not be a Velominatus. I’ll still be riffling through bike magazine porn, from the inevitable wheelchair, in the old folks home. Some of us have hidden new bikes from our better halves. Every known bit of subterfuge has been employed to downplay the…

Thirsty Work

Guest Article: Drink Properly

by / / 82 posts

Where would cycling be without the malted recovery beverage? Does El Pistolero crush a few pints after the Giro? A cold Spanish white wine just does not do it. That notion makes me angry just thinking about it. A good beer in a proper glass; it’s like a clean chain whizzing through the drivetrain, magic.…

Pantani shows how to do it.

Look Pro: Baller

by / / 87 posts

Whenever something tries to be something it isn’t, you wind up getting into trouble. Those Cutlass Cruisers in the 70’s and 80’s with vinyl wood panelling weren’t fooling anyone. Neither are those linoleum tiles in my kitchen; not one person in history has ever mistaken them for being marble. And Lycra has never tricked anyone into believing…

It is time to confess your sins.

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

by / / 110 posts

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even…

Be these monks, or Keepers?

Guest Article- When Is a Sticker Not a Sticker?

by / / 54 posts

We are presently in the calm eye of the Spring Classics typhoon. Last weekend the Ronde blew through leaving more questions than answers and now this Sunday, blowing in the opposite French direction with just as much power, Paris-Roubaix. Between storms let us gather our inner cyclist and meditate upon our ancient scrolls of The…

How cold is it outside?

On Rule #9: The Badass Within

by / / 59 posts

The rain is coming down in sheets, blowing sideways out from the coast. I hear its intensity more than I feel it; the drops reverberate through my helmet as they lash down. The temperature is just cold enough to add a sting to the rain, like a thousand needles upon the 15cm of exposed flesh between the…

There is pain to be found upon this road. Photo via <a href="">Symonbike</a>

On Rule #10: The Mandlebrot Set of Pain

by / / 111 posts

My training hasn’t gone as I’d like it to be going. My days keep getting loaded up with things that pay the bills more than they add to the account at the V-Bank. It’s part of not being a Pro, I suppose, as if to spite my obvious talent which is a sort of talent sleeper cell…

No Graveur needed here.

On Rule #12: The Luxury of Passion

by / / 84 posts

Rule #12 is a luxury of passion; the #1 for good weather and epic rides or races, the Nine Bike for bad weather, the Graveur (which is neither a cross bike nor a road bike), a ‘Cross bike, a mountain bike, a townie, a track bike, a time trial bike. Add in steel, carbon, titanium –…

Heeeere's Danny!

The Shaving

by / / 93 posts

Back when this Rule was coined, it seemed to have little meaning or relevance at all to Cycling. The only beard we’d ever witnessed on a Cyclist was that of the nasty Russian guy in American Flyers, and we all knew he, like Kevin Costner’s acting ability, didn’t actually exist. Then along came Pantani, plus a…

You will be needing one of these. photo:bike

No Frame Mounted Pumps-Rule #30

by / / 65 posts

Either CO2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule #31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro…

The last masters of the Cycling cap passed into the night at the close of the 20th cetnury

Les Maîtres de la Casquette

by / / 130 posts

It doesn’t take a genius to see what’s going on here. Rule #5, Rule #9, Rule #10; every rider in this frame Looks Fantastic (most other Rules). The riders are in short sleeves and shorts while the public apparently has scavenged materials from rubbish bins and the local grain elevator in a very visually unpleasant…


The Nature of Rule VV

by / / 49 posts

It never gets easier, you just go faster. – Greg LeMond Rule #5 looms above the other Rules in terms of sheer relevance to Cycling; it is the fundamental building block upon which this sport is built. The Five is what drives us, it is the force that springs from a well that flows deep within each of…

Puget Sound just after sunrise.

Summer Ripening

by / / 39 posts

Summer is a time for getting fat. Winter is a time for getting fat as well, but in a different way; in Winter we get fat on meals of meat and potatoes covered in sauces made of meat and potatoes. In Summer, on the other hand, our minds get fat: we get nice tans, we tone our…

Rule #62 Exception. photo: Dan Seaton

Preloading The Brain

by / / 91 posts

Brett’s fine Nick Cave article got me thinking about music and cycling. We spend lots of time alone on our bikes. The bike is on autopilot, it stays upright from second to second, freeing up our brains to consider anything or nothing. Music might be the only riding companion we have but it has to be…

Skip to toolbar