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Sur La Plaque: Rule #33

Sur La Plaque: Rule #33

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We’re heaping coals on the Giro frenzy that’s burning in all corners of the Cycling world by issuing the second installment of the monthly BigRingRiding Sur la Plaque series while at the same time kicking off the Six Days of the Giro series where we’ll post six articles on the subject of this, the best Grand Tour of the year. 

Yours in Cycling, Frank

IT’S GIRO TIME, IT’S SPRING. COME CORRECT ON Rule #33 PEOPLE, OR YOU’RE LETTING THE FUCKING SIDE DOWN. GINO AND FAUSTO WOULD NOT BE HAPPY.

// Etiquette // Guest Article // Six Days Of // The Rules

  1. This is an unbreakable one for me. Even if injured and on enforced rest, Rule #33 compliance is a must.

  2. @Mike_P that is when it is most vital, serving as a nice visual cue that though they may not be loaded, the guns are still there for firing.

  3. @Mike_P

    This is an unbreakable one for me. Even if injured and on enforced rest, Rule #33 compliance is a must.

    Opps. I tend to hibernate during winter (Melbourne) as long leg warmers hide my laziness to Rule #33.

    Bugger – breaking Rule #33 also breaks Rule #1 and Rule #2.

    Off to the naughty corner for me

    .

  4. exception 'ImagickException' with message 'unable to open image `/nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati//wp-content/plugins/dm-albums/php/image.php?degrees=0&scale=yes&width=600&height=700&quality=85&maintain_aspect=yes&rounding=nearest&image=/home/frankdstrack/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/sthilzy/2013.05.04.07.24.19/1/100_5818.JPG': No such file or directory @ error/blob.c/OpenBlob/2638' in /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php:1224 Stack trace: #0 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php(1224): Imagick->__construct('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #1 [internal function]: dm_replace_image_embeds('

    start_el('?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?@sthilzy

    @Mike_P

    This is an unbreakable one for me. Even if injured and on enforced rest, Rule #33 compliance is a must.

    Opps. I tend to hibernate during winter (Melbourne) as long leg warmers hide my laziness to Rule #33.

    Bugger – breaking Rule #33 also breaks Rule #1 and Rule #2.

    Off to the naughty corner for me

    .

    My brother did the first computer survey and analysis of pollution in your old muddy Yarrah River, back in the early ’70s. Obviously he missed the dioxins etc that your parents must have ingested. We, of a different species, in the more temperate north, have less of a need to comply frequently with Rule  #33. Do you use mechanical shears?   Or do you persist with the classical Gillett blade?

    Do you know that you could sell the off cuts of that luxuriant growth for mucho moula for use in stuffed toys?

  5. exception 'ImagickException' with message 'unable to open image `/nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati//wp-content/plugins/dm-albums/php/image.php?degrees=0&scale=yes&width=600&height=700&quality=85&maintain_aspect=yes&rounding=nearest&image=/home/frankdstrack/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/sthilzy/2013.05.04.07.24.19/1/100_5818.JPG': No such file or directory @ error/blob.c/OpenBlob/2638' in /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php:1224 Stack trace: #0 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php(1224): Imagick->__construct('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #1 [internal function]: dm_replace_image_embeds('

    start_el('?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?@DocBrian

    @sthilzy

    @Mike_P

    This is an unbreakable one for me. Even if injured and on enforced rest, Rule #33 compliance is a must.

    Opps. I tend to hibernate during winter (Melbourne) as long leg warmers hide my laziness to Rule #33.

    Bugger – breaking Rule #33 also breaks Rule #1 and Rule #2.

    Off to the naughty corner for me

    .

    My brother did the first computer survey and analysis of pollution in your old muddy Yarrah River, back in the early ’70s. Obviously he missed the dioxins etc that your parents must have ingested. We, of a different species, in the more temperate north, have less of a need to comply frequently with Rule #33. Do you use mechanical shears? Or do you persist with the classical Gillett blade?

    Do you know that you could sell the off cuts of that luxuriant growth for mucho moula for use in stuffed toys?

    Having given the usual Nsalut attraction to Vic, I will be there,mistaking at my brothers innHigh Street Road (opposite the college)  in Oct for the “LEGEND.”

  6. Spellcheck errors above: Read “Nsalut” as “salute”.  Read “mistaking” as “staying.” Read “innHigh” as “in High” . Damn the spellcheck!

  7. @DocBrian

    @sthilzy

    . Do you use mechanical shears? Or do you persist with the classical Gillett blade?

    Actually yes! When coming out of hibernation use electric clippers followed by a Gillette Mach 3 blade. Use foam followed by Nivea, or Palmers cocoa butter

  8. @sthilzy

    @DocBrian

    @sthilzy

    . Do you use mechanical shears? Or do you persist with the classical Gillett blade?

    Actually yes! When coming out of hibernation use electric clippers followed by a Gillette Mach 3 blade. Use foam followed by Nivea, or Palmers cocoa butter

    Great work. Might run into you Ding to. Doing the 100 from Sorrento. Mainly because my young nephew is doing it for the first time and I want to ride with him. A great event. Kudos, Melbourne.

  9. The “Ding” of course is the Around the Bay. Spell bug strikes again! Would have done the 250,  but want to ride withe my newbie nephew.

  10. It seems I have a problem here, advice from the Keepers required please!

    Despite being a life-long Rule #33 dodger (for which read MTBer), I took our recent sunny training camp as the perfect time to become fully rule compliant. The guns looked great after 2 weeks of hills, sun and Rule #5, so imagine my surprise when my lovely and normally very understanding (and God knows I’ve put her through a lot!) VMH voiced her displeasure, bordering on disgust. Who knew that she has ‘a thing’ for my hairy pins? After 10 years together, I certainly didn’t. Anyway, Rule #33 compliance has been expressly forbidden to the point of threatening witholding certain… services. Considering she really wants a Velominipper, the threat is a serious one. I’ve tried everything including crashing to prove that bandages stick better (unintentional, got wiped out in a crit, but the scuffs and scrapes need covering) but the stance remains firm. So how should I get round this? I don’t want Rule #33 dispensation, I’d rather be smooth and sleek, but I’m struggling to find a way around this one.

    Over to the Velomihierarchy!

  11. @Fausto

    Anyway, Rule #33 compliance has been expressly forbidden to the point of threatening witholding certain… services. Considering she really wants a Velominipper, the threat is a serious one.

    So SHE wants the Velonipper… as far as I recall, that requires your involvement, Rule #33 compliant or not. Call her bluff.

    My Velomissus was also opposed to shaving my legs but I just did it, and she had the grace not to complain afterwards. Though she still looks a little uncomfortable when I tell her I took so long in the bathroom because I was shaving.

  12. Been on some job interviews lately, and I ensure that I’m fully compliant the morning before each one.  It puts me in fighting form for the day, ready to slay the dragons both on and off the road.

  13. @DocBrian

    I’m partly Rule #33 compliant after an inguinal hernia op.

    Ow. Why were you lifting heavy things? Heal quickly.

  14. @Fausto

    Exposure therapy.  

    If she’s phobic about it, help her to heal. Be “reasonable” with her, “compromise,” and shave only before “big events.” Over time, as gradually gets over her response, the “big events” can come more and more frequently, until they consist of your daily rides…

  15. I shave by scraping a brick down my legs until all the hair is gone or I can’t see any hair for the blood. Rather than use some fancy smelly ointment to sooth the shave I just get my wolf to bite me in the face to take my mind off it. Once I’m done I ride 500km to my work as a lumberjack.

  16. @ChrisO

    Yep, that’s my plan as well. I don’t think she can resist for long, and I know she’ll give in eventually. It takes two to tango, after all.

  17. @PeakInTwoYears

    Nice, I like that plan, I’m just not sure if she’ll even let me get away with ‘for big races only’ – the reaction so far has been quite definite on any future shaving activity – or the lack thereof.

    No-one ever said the life of the Velominati was an easy one.

  18. Another ambassador of hairy-ness. Have you ever seen how road grit accumulates on a leg pelt? Another reason why Rule #33 looks great.

  19. @Fausto

    Well. If she’s really being such a dictatorial pragmatical creature, I must agree with @ChrisO and (with all respect and in a spirit of good will) suggest that you grow a pair and shave your fucking legs. At some point, it ceases to be about leg hair, and if she can dictate your personal grooming practices now, just wait and see how much sway she’ll have once you’ve bred with her. I could tell you stories, from experience, that would make the rest of your hair fall right out from sheer terror.

  20. @Fausto I got the same response from Mrs Chris when I first went Rule #33 compliant. I’ve got more velominippers than is is strictly necessary so she was in a strong position. A withholding notice was issued and I complied with that instead.

    The guns were glorious for a few brief days.

  21. I’m now compliant. No complaints from the VH whatsoever. Now I need sun.

  22. It’s an interesting business, this VMH/Rule #33 topic. Been married twice, got lots of static from the first wife about various things but never about Rule #33. Current and final and perfect spouse digs the aesthetic and likes the guns compliant. Just lucky, I guess.

    My only hesitation about regaining compliance was my lack of fitness when I got back on the bike at a certain age. Fat guns = /gag/. But I took the hint, here, and let compliance motivate me to earn the silky smoothness. Making steady progress and hit my weight goal for the end of April.

    @JACD214  Yes, now for the cultivation of this year’s tan lines.

  23. I get to go out on the bike for hours any day I like, go climbing in the Alps, jump off cliffs with the paraglider, dissapear for days at a time in the hills, but M. Strathlubnaig draws a line in the sand at #33 for some reason. UN peacekeeping troops would need to be dropped in I suspect.

    Anyway, shaved legs dont look so good with a kilt, and summer only lasts a week or two here besides.

  24. @strathlubnaig Ha, I made sure I stopped shaving before my brother’s wedding, kilts need hairy legs.

  25. @strathlubnaig

    Anyway, shaved legs dont look so good with a kilt, and summer only lasts a week or two here besides.

    There are many things that I wish I could pull off but could never. A kilt is right up there near the top of the list. (Yeah, that would inflect the Rule #33 question substantially.) Kilts and pipes make me almost believe in past lives. Here I am a wee puny descendant of French and Italians, but the sound of the pipes makes me want to swing a claymore through somebody’s brains.  It’s a sad mystery.

  26. There is an entry for this in the Wookieepedia:

    http://wookieepedia.org/w/Wookieepedia

  27. @PeakInTwoYears

    @DocBrian

    I’m partly Rule #33 compliant after an inguinal hernia op.

    Ow. Why were you lifting heavy things? Heal quickly.

    more than 20 years of playing Judo at national and international levels all all the heavy weight work goes with it. The sport involves explosive twisting movement against strongly resisting opponents.

  28. @Fausto

    @PeakInTwoYears

    Nice, I like that plan, I’m just not sure if she’ll even let me get away with ‘for big races only’ – the reaction so far has been quite definite on any future shaving activity – or the lack thereof.

    No-one ever said the life of the Velominati was an easy one.

    What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! Agree to ignore Rule #33 only if she does so too. Fem vanity and social compliance combined with approbation by her coffee club or knitting group or patchwork compatriots or which ever underground group she is involved with will assure your victory.

  29. @PeakInTwoYears , @DocBrian

    It was growing a pair and shaving them that got me into this bother! I’ve tried the Mutually Assured Destruction route of suggesting she doesn’t shave her legs, but frankly I find the idea as repugnant as she finds my sleek pins, so that’s not gonna work either. As for her getting comments from any Mothers’ meetings, knitting circles etc. – unlikely. She would no more attend those than grow a second head. She’s more likely to be found out on her sports bike, or for that matter, her road bike than drinking coffee and swapping gossip.

    The annoying thing is that my VMH is completely awesome, lets me get away with all kinds of nonsense and has put up with me doing a lot of crazy stuff over the years. Shaving my legs just happens to be crossing the line I never knew existed.

    I may just opt for the middle ground and keep them trimmed to a non-wookie length and claim they’re growing back reeeeally sloooowly.

  30. @Fausto

    @PeakInTwoYears , @DocBrian

    It was growing a pair and shaving them that got me into this bother! I’ve tried the Mutually Assured Destruction route of suggesting she doesn’t shave her legs, but frankly I find the idea as repugnant as she finds my sleek pins, so that’s not gonna work either. As for her getting comments from any Mothers’ meetings, knitting circles etc. – unlikely. She would no more attend those than grow a second head. She’s more likely to be found out on her sports bike, or for that matter, her road bike than drinking coffee and swapping gossip.

    The annoying thing is that my VMH is completely awesome, lets me get away with all kinds of nonsense and has put up with me doing a lot of crazy stuff over the years. Shaving my legs just happens to be crossing the line I never knew existed.

    I may just opt for the middle ground and keep them trimmed to a non-wookie length and claim they’re growing back reeeeally sloooowly.

    I take your point. A good fem is hard to find, so it is worthwhile avoiding the issue rather than strictly adhering to Rule #33.

  31. @Fausto

    It was growing a pair and shaving them that got me into this bother!

    You’re not supposed to shave your pendejos off your cojones!  (As Queen Isabella reportedly told Columbus.) No wonder people are asking how far up to shave! Are we cyclists or porn stars, for god’s sake?  Ah, well, you’ll do what you think is best, no doubt. As for me, today, I’m off for 165kms with my smooth guns exposed to the warm sunshine.

    @DocBrian In that case, I will try to avoid giving you the opportunity to throw me.

  32. OK, for the record, my spending an extra 10 minutes in the shower in Rule #33 efforts is generally acceptable, but then getting out and dumping Rogaine all over my head is fucked up. It’s like fucking your sister: sure, she’s got a blouse full of goodies, and she’s a great piece of tail…but it’s just wrong.

  33. I caught up to a fella on a try-bike today with some of the fluffiest legs I’ve seen in a while. I thought those guys shaved everything.

  34. @eightzero

    OK, for the record, my spending an extra 10 minutes in the shower in Rule #33 efforts is generally acceptable, but then getting out and dumping Rogaine all over my head is fucked up. It’s like fucking your sister: sure, she’s got a blouse full of goodies, and she’s a great piece of tail…but it’s just wrong.

    Am I the only one that doesn’t understand the application of this metaphor, in this instance? I get it that the willful loss of something in one place you wish you had elsewhere could be seen as fucked up, but I don’t get the incest jest. Can you please ‘splain?

  35. I’d be a hairy bastard if I grew out the leg fur. Luckily, the VMH complains in the winter months when I may go a week or so without running a razor over them. I’ve now been doing it so long (~20 years) that the thought of having said fur flapping in the breeze on a ride, kinda repulses me.

    For those of you that aren’t “allowed” to, maybe get your MD to write a order for you to do it (bring him a nice bottle of booze, they like that). Then it’s “honey, I’m just following doctors orders, and we know how important that is right?”.

  36. I must confess that I fail to obey Rule #33 about 30% of the time. Furthermore I must confess that at the moment of this post I am currently in violation of Rule #33.  I am able to marginally justify shaving to my spouse during shorts season but during the cold months it is not tolerated well.  I counter in the spring by doing an initial foray into Rule compliance by using an electric shaver to knock down the really tall grass  which not only gradually helps my spouse adjust but keeps my bath drain from looking like I stuffed a wig down it.  I maintain this length through out knee warmer season and only go for the final clean up when the weather conditions dictate, which they just have, so I will once again be in full compliance with Rule #33 within the hour.

  37. I shave all year, too long and it just feels weird all the time.

    Lets talk technique:  The hair at the bottom of my hamstrings grows up (opposite everything else).  Going the same direction as I do for the rest of the guns (with the grain in this spot) results in the hair getting missed a lot.  Going against the grain there causes lots of irritation when I am wearing pents.  What to do?

  38. @DerHoggz Laser removal ? Then you don’t have to worry about it so much.

  39. @DerHoggz

    Are you moisturizing afterwords? I get irritation if I don’t put lotion on after I shower.

  40. Reverence:

  41. Spring is gesprongen in het great Pacific Northwest bitches. What a gorgeous day on Whidbey Island.

  42. FYI – I have some pale Irish bastards in part of my lineage, thus, skin problems via Ra. This means the Velomissus really gets on me about wearing sunblock.

    For anyone facing VMH persecution for Rule compliance do not say “It’s because it’s in the Rules.” Instead say, “Baby, I want to protect my skin and body so I’m around a long time to be with you. Smooth legs make applying sunblock much, much easier.”

    If she tries to bring up the spray block say it’s far more expensive than lotion, and that’s money wasted that could be spent on dates (when you really mean a new Deda seat pillar).

  43. @PeakInTwoYears

    Spring is gesprongen in het great Pacific Northwest bitches. What a gorgeous day on Whidbey Island.

    Is that a goddamn Croc I spot? SERIOUS violation.

    Ugg boots, bullshit Tom slipper shoes, Rollie Skate shoes, flip flops on fatarses with Double-Wide feet, sorority floozies in knee-high rubber boots because it rained yesterday, and those fucking shoes that are supposed to make your ass less jiggly because they have rounded soles are all totally fucked up.

    The lot of “in” BS shoes these days remind me of Kramer wearing the calf-training shoes. I’d rather be seen in those than the rest of ‘em.

  44. @DerHoggz

    I shave all year, too long and it just feels weird all the time.

    Lets talk technique: The hair at the bottom of my hamstrings grows up (opposite everything else). Going the same direction as I do for the rest of the guns (with the grain in this spot) results in the hair getting missed a lot. Going against the grain there causes lots of irritation when I am wearing pents. What to do?

    Observe Rule #5 I’d say.

  45. I have self-shaving legs, and arms too for that matter. It’s like I’ve evolved right out of hair in those locations, or I was simply born to observe at least one of The Rules.

  46. @mcsqueak

    @motor city

    How do you like the Morvelo stuff? I’ve been running across it on the internet a bit recently, but never seen it here in person.

    Yeah, its pretty decent stuff. Its made in Poland which makes me wonder if its knocked out by the same dudeski’s that are making the new V-kit. I’d say the jersey sizing is fairly generous so if you are in-between you may want to go down a size not up, the shorts sizing (for me) were spot on.

    They are based where I live and were set up by a couple of local riders so the LBS stocks it but I note they are doing free worldwide shipping. If the exchange rate rate works out well you might want to consider that:

    http://www.morvelo.com/shipping-policy If you want to double check sizing drop them a line and I’m sure they’ll give you some personal advice.

  47. I am fairly new to road biking. How do you know that it’s time to no longer ride with hairy legs? Do you need to be at a certain level before you start doing that, because shaving your legs shows a certain amount of commitment? Is there a certain speed or mileage which can be a good indicator?

  48. @roxtar

    I am fairly new to road biking. How do you know that it’s time to no longer ride with hairy legs? Do you need to be at a certain level before you start doing that, because shaving your legs shows a certain amount of commitment? Is there a certain speed or mileage which can be a good indicator?

    The very fact that you are asking means it is time to try it.

  49. @motor city

    @mcsqueak

    @motor city

    How do you like the Morvelo stuff? I’ve been running across it on the internet a bit recently, but never seen it here in person.

    Yeah, its pretty decent stuff. Its made in Poland which makes me wonder if its knocked out by the same dudeski’s that are making the new V-kit. I’d say the jersey sizing is fairly generous so if you are in-between you may want to go down a size not up, the shorts sizing (for me) were spot on.

    They are based where I live and were set up by a couple of local riders so the LBS stocks it but I note they are doing free worldwide shipping. If the exchange rate rate works out well you might want to consider that:

    http://www.morvelo.com/shipping-policy If you want to double check sizing drop them a line and I’m sure they’ll give you some personal advice.

    Picked up a pair of the shorts.  I’m impressed – same quality as bibs twice the price.  I also like the Classic (the ones in the picture posted by @motor city).  Black, black, and more black.  Hard to find basic black and quality at the same time with other brands.  In my experience, most other brands save the “good quality” for the “billboard” shorts and cheap out on the ones with basic or no graphics.  Thanks for the lead.

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