Even Kittel can't make this work.

Even Kittel can't make this work.

The All-Red Onesie

by / / 74 posts

When it comes to personal style and charisma, Marcel Kittel is at the top of the food chain. Only a certain kind of genius admits on live television that the most stressful thing about racing a Grand Tour is having your hair gel confiscated by airport security. He also clearly has a mystical, Samsonesque power to his hair; off comes his helmet and his hair is as perfect as it was during the pre-race interview. The only other person I know who can wear a helmet all day and still have dreamy hair is Kylo Ren, but he obviously uses the power of the Dark Side to cultivate that talent. I don’t know what Marcel’s trick is.

Marcel is also blessed with the sort of devilish good looks that would make you hate him a little bit if he didn’t seem so damn mischievously fun to be around. Besides his perfect blond hair, the rotten little charmer has eyes the color of glacial pools and the sort of smile that makes women’s knees buckle involuntarily; everywhere he goes, women bob around like gas station windsock dancers.

He even makes the Etixx-QuickStep team kit look good, which is quite the accomplishment given that the only thing uglier than the Etixx-QuickStep team kit is the Astana team kit. Ain’t nobody can make that turquoise strip look good so long as Mario Cipollini doesn’t come out of retirement just to give it the old college try.

No matter how good you are at looking good, some things simply can’t be done because some things – like, say, wearing an all-red spandex onesie, makes you look like you are smuggling satsumas from the Netherlands into Italy.

So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs and don’t try to pull off the all-red onesie; leave that to the professionals. Actually, no. Don’t leave it to the professionals, either. Let’s not leave it to anyone. Please stop. Everyone. No more onesies in any color other than black. Please. For the children.

// Awesome German Guys // Breaking The Rules // Etiquette // Look Pro

  1. @Buck Rogers

    Could be worse. At least it is not an all pink onesie (but I am with Oli here–just wear the Maglia Rosa and try to have some class and act like you’ve been there before)

    Marcel Kittel (Etixx-QuickStep) rolls out in the pink jersey

    Seems like the Red Onesie is infectious though.

  2. @Buck Rogers

    I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

  3. @fignons barber

    Hilarious. Emoticons would fall short to describe the reaction. Hey, nowadays with all the sponsorships that are going on, the pros do look like teletubbies wired up with radioconnections.

    @Oli

    Yup, I am with you that only the last day, one should consider to be flaunting pink. Although the yellow last year on Froomies bike still hurt my eyes (when his rearskewer converted into garbage collector). I mean think about it, the mechanics are busy enough every day to keep the bikes into shape and then they have to change bartape again, since Dumoulin only had pink bartape on the last day he wore the pink jersey.

  4. @Teocalli

    @Buck Rogers

    I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

    Pardon my french, the guy in red looks like Sagan but he’s not with Sky? So must be Elia Viviani since Kittel is already wearing pink and Tjallingii already wearing blue. Reminds me that who wears the maglia nera actually really earned it.

  5. Dumoulin back into pink. Kittel 8m 2s behind, ranking 95th

  6. That suit makes Ivan Drago look like goddamn Elmo. Skinsuits on the road are just awful.

    They’re one of the several reasons why I find Bouhanni impossible to support. (Also included in those reasons are his love of slamming his bike to the ground and having a hobby that involves arm strength.)

  7. @KogaLover

    @Teocalli

    @Buck Rogers

    I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

    Pardon my french, the guy in red looks like Sagan but he’s not with Sky? So must be Elia Viviani since Kittel is already wearing pink and Tjallingii already wearing blue. Reminds me that who wears the maglia nera actually really earned it.

    Kinda my point that if you are hosting it as the actual holder is further up the hierarchy too, then one should perhaps be a bit discrete.

  8. No onsie today- but still pink-trimmed bibshorts which shows the team came prepared. Which is why it’s a joy when someone unexpected gets a jersey, as it means maybe bar tape as maximum (mechanic sent to raid the local bike shop) and none of this nonsense. You can bet Astana have pink frame hidden in the truck.

  9. Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

  10. Um, the road racing skinsuits, from the Castelli Sanremo onwards, are furnished with three pockets in the normal position.

    They are though a statement of intent. I can’t believe EQS didn’t have a pink onsie for Kittel, so wearing bobs and jersey was an obvious “I’m not likely to be sprinting” broadcast to the peloton.

    That, or “I’m so much faster than the lot of you I don’t need to aero kit”. If you look he’s also not in the aero version of the helmet

  11. @Al__S

    “They are though a statement of intent.”

    Hmm – what statement of intent was Viviani making then?

  12. Was thinking about this last night – what options do the riders actually have here? For leader’s jerseys, it’s not the teams that provide them, it’s the race organisers. And there’s probably 2 options – a straight jersey, or a skinsuit. And given that the organisers would have to organise a skinsuit for potentially any one of 198 cyclists, they can save themselves some work by not having team specific “shorts” on the skinsuits.

    So, if a rider in a jersey wants a skinsuit, they have to go with the single colour. There is of course the sensible solution of the half-and-half (red/pink on top, back on the bottom), but it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s against some daft UCI reg or other.

  13. Awaiting delivery of a cycling kit themed onesie for the nearly two week old little dude. My riding buddy told me he bought him one!

  14. @Gianni

    He is looking pretty badass in pink.

    Seriously, how does his hair do that.

  15. Kittel might be reading this site, since today he wore a more decent red jersey and black shorts. Unfortunately he got chewed up and spit out the back of the peloton, so if he is superstitious he might go back to the onesie…

  16. @LeoTea

    Was thinking about this last night – what options do the riders actually have here? For leader’s jerseys, it’s not the teams that provide them, it’s the race organisers. And there’s probably 2 options – a straight jersey, or a skinsuit. And given that the organisers would have to organise a skinsuit for potentially any one of 198 cyclists, they can save themselves some work by not having team specific “shorts” on the skinsuits.

    So, if a rider in a jersey wants a skinsuit, they have to go with the single colour. There is of course the sensible solution of the half-and-half (red/pink on top, back on the bottom), but it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s against some daft UCI reg or other.

    The UCI regulation is that they need to wear team-issue shorts or matching shorts. But it gets violated all the time (just look at Dumoulin’s kit).

    I wonder if that skin suit is issued by the race, however, the cut looks an awful lot like the Vermarc version, but who knows.

    In any case, I agree he doesn’t have much choice apart from not wearing a skinsuit but that doesn’t make it look any better. I’d forgo the 1% drag benefit and race in a jersey like a civilized person anyway.

  17. @VirenqueforeVer

    I still love this:

    https://youtu.be/PnJYlwo5DdE

    Clean spirit is such an amazingly rad movie, and indeed – that scene is a real killer!

  18. @dyalander

    I know he’s not from Frankfurt but that’s ridiculous. He’s the wurst looking sprinter I’ve ever seen.

    My goodness my guiness! +1 to you for that one, matey!

  19. @KogaLover

    @anthony

    @frank

    @chuckp

    So much better.

    Agreed! Restraint is important. and shown hear quite well IMO. No pink socks, no pink tape, no pink bike, (sorry Quintana) Tom looks good here. Pink and red are great but should be used sparingly.

    Although Tom is one of my favourites ever, he did use pink tape…

    @Oli

    @KogaLover

    And glasses. And helmet. And trim on his shorts. Unless you’re riding a TT or you’re riding into Milan on the final day the only pink should be the Maglia Rosa, in my not so humble opinion.

    Yeah, while Tom’s outfit is much better than the customary pink trousers, I’m with you Oli that the trim, bar tape, and helmet all belong on the final stage only – if then. It really should be the jersey only as long as we’re giving a shit, and we always give a shit.

    @hudson

    Personally, i think he’s pulling it off, not to say i like it, just that he can get away with it. That said, it’s not classy, classy is rainbow stripes and black shorts. Classy would be any leaders jersey and black shorts, a nod of respect to those who have worn them before.

    Eddy Merckx in maglia rosa. Bettini

    This.

  20. @Buck Rogers

    Here’s Big Mig showing how to do it with class.

    Just the jersey; no pink highlights, no pink tape, no pink at all except the jersey.

    That Dude just exuded smoooooth.

    And he rocked 182.5mm cranks. Stud.

  21. @Teocalli

    @Buck Rogers

    I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

    Seriously, right? That is a time to be as understated as POSSIBLE. What the fuck, talk about acting like you’ve been there before!

  22. @KogaLover

    @Teocalli

    @Buck Rogers

    I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

    Pardon my french, the guy in red looks like Sagan but he’s not with Sky? So must be Elia Viviani since Kittel is already wearing pink and Tjallingii already wearing blue. Reminds me that who wears the maglia nera actually really earned it.

    This is an excellent point. Never thought of that!

  23. @BacklashJack

    That suit makes Ivan Drago look like goddamn Elmo. Skinsuits on the road are just awful.

    They’re one of the several reasons why I find Bouhanni impossible to support. (Also included in those reasons are his love of slamming his bike to the ground and having a hobby that involves arm strength.)

    So much gold there. between @fignonsbarber, @dynlander, and this, I wish I could give three +1s.

  24. @frank

    @Teocalli

    @Buck Rogers

    I should have added – Especially when you only have it by default.

    Seriously, right? That is a time to be as understated as POSSIBLE. What the fuck, talk about acting like you’ve been there before!

    My point exactly.

  25. @frank

    “So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs…”

    Spoil sport.

  26. @ccos

    Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

    These guys aren’t technically wearing skin suits – they are wearing speed suits; they have pockets. Not big ones, but they are there.

  27. @frank

    @ccos

    Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

    These guys aren’t technically wearing skin suits – they are wearing speed suits; they have pockets. Not big ones, but they are there.

    There should be an understanding (if not a UCI regulation) that they are only permitted in TTs.

  28. @Neil

    @frank

    “So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs…”

    Spoil sport.

  29. @Teocalli

    @frank

    @ccos

    Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

    These guys aren’t technically wearing skin suits – they are wearing speed suits; they have pockets. Not big ones, but they are there.

    There should be an understanding (if not a UCI regulation) that they are only permitted in TTs.

    And Cyclocross.

  30. @frank

    @VirenqueforeVer

    I still love this:

    https://youtu.be/PnJYlwo5DdE

    Clean spirit is such an amazingly rad movie, and indeed – that scene is a real killer!

    Agree – Also still available on Netflix (US anyway) until 5/15!

  31. @VirenqueforeVer

    Is that @el franco just outside the frame?

  32. @frank

    In any case, I agree he doesn’t have much choice apart from not wearing a skinsuit but that doesn’t make it look any better. I’d forgo the 1% drag benefit and race in a jersey like a civilized person anyway.

    But honestly … You might do whatever if this is how you were actually making your living and if big bux (or your job) were at stake.

    And we have to remember that Merckx et al rode in what they wore largely because those were the choices at that time. We can romanticize all we want, but if Merckx was racing today he’d probably do a lot, if not all, of the things that current pros do. He was modern then and he’d be modern now.

  33. @frank

    @Neil

    @frank

    “So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs…”

    Spoil sport.

    Love “Love Actually”!

  34. @frank

    @VirenqueforeVer

    Is that @el franco just outside the frame?

    Just me and my onesie I think, at local crit yesterday. Wore it because of this article, please don’t banish me!

  35. Sigh.

    Can’t believe that we’re debating the validity of pro’s wearing speed suits.

    There ought to be a rule.

  36. @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

  37. @frank

    @Buck Rogers

    Here’s Big Mig showing how to do it with class.

    Just the jersey; no pink highlights, no pink tape, no pink at all except the jersey.

    That Dude just exuded smoooooth.

    And he rocked 182.5mm cranks. Stud.

    Fucking horse joints, Mate! If I rode 180+ cranks, my knees would be shot in two days!

  38. @Oli

    @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

    Right. Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

    I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

    But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

  39. Oh man, never did I imagine “Love Actually” would haunt me here. The VMH forces me to watch this every holiday season. Ack! Not my type of movie (though I’ve grown to not hate it. Still hard to take Hugh Grant seriously after his little “pick up” episode…)

  40. @Buck Rogers

    @Oli

    @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

    Right. Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

    I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

    But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

    Hampsten wore a skin suit on a short mountain stage in the Giro and was given LOADS of shit for it until he dropped them all like yesterday’s newspaper.

  41. @Ron

    Oh man, never did I imagine “Love Actually” would haunt me here. The VMH forces me to watch this every holiday season. Ack! Not my type of movie (though I’ve grown to not hate it. Still hard to take Hugh Grant seriously after his little “pick up” episode…)

    I love Hugh Grant, but I’ll watch anything with Bill Nighy.

  42. @frank

    I love Hugh Grant

    I do believe you’re the first person ever to say that.

  43. @brett

    @frank

    I love Hugh Grant

    I do believe you’re the first person ever to say that.

    Jeeezhus, the man has no pride.

  44. @frank

    @Buck Rogers

    @Oli

    @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

    Right. Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

    I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

    But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

    Hampsten wore a skin suit on a short mountain stage in the Giro and was given LOADS of shit for it until he dropped them all like yesterday’s newspaper.

    Yes, but wasn’t Roche the first to don lycra in the peloton? I m not sure where I read/saw/heard this or if I dreamt it or what but I swear that it was Roche that first threw on lycra and was given a shit ton of shit for it.

  45. @Ron

    Awaiting delivery of a cycling kit themed onesie for the nearly two week old little dude. My riding buddy told me he bought him one!

    Have you seen Fyxo’s?

    https://shop.fyxo.co/collections/baby-cycling-jersey

  46. @frank

    @Buck Rogers

    @Oli

    @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

    Right. Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

    I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

    But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

    Hampsten wore a skin suit on a short mountain stage in the Giro and was given LOADS of shit for it until he dropped them all like yesterday’s newspaper.

    Alex Steida talks about copping loads for rocking up in a skinsuit for the 80k stage 1a when he took yellow in the tour as the first North American, cos it was a crit length. Guess it worked.

  47. @frank

    @Ron

    Oh man, never did I imagine “Love Actually” would haunt me here. The VMH forces me to watch this every holiday season. Ack! Not my type of movie (though I’ve grown to not hate it. Still hard to take Hugh Grant seriously after his little “pick up” episode…)

    I love Hugh Grant, but I’ll watch anything with Bill Nighy.

    And you give me shit for using an EPMS and you admit, in writing, to the world, that you love Hugh Grant? If Hugh Grant was a bike, he’d be a fixie – single speed. Just like Ewan McGregor.

  48. Y’all can thank me later for coaxing Frank into that admission!! My work here is done, I can officially retire from Following! My master plan of hanging around here for years in hopes of exposing Frank as the world’s only Hugh Grant lover, who is not a middle-aged homemaker, is complete. Now I can rest in peace. Oh boy, this has me excite.

    @Mikael

    @Ron

    Awaiting delivery of a cycling kit themed onesie for the nearly two week old little dude. My riding buddy told me he bought him one!

    Have you seen Fyxo’s?

    https://shop.fyxo.co/collections/baby-cycling-jersey

    I’d seen one or two of those, but not all of them. Very cool, thanks for the heads up. At this point…we need to put on a house addition before the little dude gets any more clothes, rockers, strollers, or gear in general.

  49. This is the only acceptable context in which the words “Love Actually” are spoken:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa3eoMnMC80

    Frank should like it as the level of profanity is right up his alley.

Leave a Reply

Skip to toolbar