The All-Red Onesie

When it comes to personal style and charisma, Marcel Kittel is at the top of the food chain. Only a certain kind of genius admits on live television that the most stressful thing about racing a Grand Tour is having your hair gel confiscated by airport security. He also clearly has a mystical, Samsonesque power to his hair; off comes his helmet and his hair is as perfect as it was during the pre-race interview. The only other person I know who can wear a helmet all day and still have dreamy hair is Kylo Ren, but he obviously uses the power of the Dark Side to cultivate that talent. I don’t know what Marcel’s trick is.

Marcel is also blessed with the sort of devilish good looks that would make you hate him a little bit if he didn’t seem so damn mischievously fun to be around. Besides his perfect blond hair, the rotten little charmer has eyes the color of glacial pools and the sort of smile that makes women’s knees buckle involuntarily; everywhere he goes, women bob around like gas station windsock dancers.

He even makes the Etixx-QuickStep team kit look good, which is quite the accomplishment given that the only thing uglier than the Etixx-QuickStep team kit is the Astana team kit. Ain’t nobody can make that turquoise strip look good so long as Mario Cipollini doesn’t come out of retirement just to give it the old college try.

No matter how good you are at looking good, some things simply can’t be done because some things – like, say, wearing an all-red spandex onesie, makes you look like you are smuggling satsumas from the Netherlands into Italy.

So kids, listen to Keeper Frank: say no to drugs and don’t try to pull off the all-red onesie; leave that to the professionals. Actually, no. Don’t leave it to the professionals, either. Let’s not leave it to anyone. Please stop. Everyone. No more onesies in any color other than black. Please. For the children.

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74 Replies to “The All-Red Onesie”

  1. @frank

    @ccos

    Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

    These guys aren’t technically wearing skin suits – they are wearing speed suits; they have pockets. Not big ones, but they are there.

    There should be an understanding (if not a UCI regulation) that they are only permitted in TTs.

  2. @Teocalli

    @frank

    @ccos

    Wearing a skinsuit is also a not so subtle way of telling your teammates “I ain’t carrying shit today” owing to the lack of pockets.

    These guys aren’t technically wearing skin suits – they are wearing speed suits; they have pockets. Not big ones, but they are there.

    There should be an understanding (if not a UCI regulation) that they are only permitted in TTs.

    And Cyclocross.

  3. @frank

    In any case, I agree he doesn’t have much choice apart from not wearing a skinsuit but that doesn’t make it look any better. I’d forgo the 1% drag benefit and race in a jersey like a civilized person anyway.

    But honestly … You might do whatever if this is how you were actually making your living and if big bux (or your job) were at stake.

    And we have to remember that Merckx et al rode in what they wore largely because those were the choices at that time. We can romanticize all we want, but if Merckx was racing today he’d probably do a lot, if not all, of the things that current pros do. He was modern then and he’d be modern now.

  4. Sigh.

    Can’t believe that we’re debating the validity of pro’s wearing speed suits.

    There ought to be a rule.

  5. @frank

    @Buck Rogers

    Here’s Big Mig showing how to do it with class.

    Just the jersey; no pink highlights, no pink tape, no pink at all except the jersey.

    That Dude just exuded smoooooth.

    And he rocked 182.5mm cranks. Stud.

    Fucking horse joints, Mate!  If I rode 180+ cranks, my knees would be shot in two days!

  6. @Oli

    @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

    Right.  Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

    I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

    But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

  7. Oh man, never did I imagine “Love Actually” would haunt me here. The VMH forces me to watch this every holiday season. Ack! Not my type of movie (though I’ve grown to not hate it. Still hard to take Hugh Grant seriously after his little “pick up” episode…)

  8. @Buck Rogers

    @Oli

    @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

    Right. Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

    I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

    But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

    Hampsten wore a skin suit on a short mountain stage in the Giro and was given LOADS of shit for it until he dropped them all like yesterday’s newspaper.

  9. @Ron

    Oh man, never did I imagine “Love Actually” would haunt me here. The VMH forces me to watch this every holiday season. Ack! Not my type of movie (though I’ve grown to not hate it. Still hard to take Hugh Grant seriously after his little “pick up” episode…)

    I love Hugh Grant, but I’ll watch anything with Bill Nighy.

  10. @frank

    @Buck Rogers

    @Oli

    @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

    Right. Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

    I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

    But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

    Hampsten wore a skin suit on a short mountain stage in the Giro and was given LOADS of shit for it until he dropped them all like yesterday’s newspaper.

    Yes, but wasn’t Roche the first to don lycra in the peloton?  I m not sure where I read/saw/heard this or if I dreamt it or what but I swear that it was Roche that first threw on lycra and was given a shit ton of shit for it.

  11. @frank

    @Buck Rogers

    @Oli

    @chuckp

    That’s actually a very good point.

    Right. Didn’t Stephen Roche catch a rash of shit in the peloton for wearing lycra or a skin suit or something that was “new” back in the ’80’s?

    I’m just throwing this out here from the deep, dark, web-spun reaches of my mind so I might be way off in fuck-knows-where-land.

    But then again, fuck logic, we’re talking fashion here!

    Hampsten wore a skin suit on a short mountain stage in the Giro and was given LOADS of shit for it until he dropped them all like yesterday’s newspaper.

    Alex Steida talks about copping loads for rocking up in a skinsuit for the 80k stage 1a when he took yellow in the tour as the first North American, cos it was a crit length. Guess it worked.

  12. @frank

    @Ron

    Oh man, never did I imagine “Love Actually” would haunt me here. The VMH forces me to watch this every holiday season. Ack! Not my type of movie (though I’ve grown to not hate it. Still hard to take Hugh Grant seriously after his little “pick up” episode…)

    I love Hugh Grant, but I’ll watch anything with Bill Nighy.

    And you give me shit for using an EPMS and you admit, in writing, to the world, that you love Hugh Grant? If Hugh Grant was a bike, he’d be a fixie – single speed. Just like Ewan McGregor.

  13. Y’all can thank me later for coaxing Frank into that admission!! My work here is done, I can officially retire from Following! My master plan of hanging around here for years in hopes of exposing Frank as the world’s only Hugh Grant lover, who is not a middle-aged homemaker, is complete. Now I can rest in peace. Oh boy, this has me excite.

    @Mikael

    @Ron

    Awaiting delivery of a cycling kit themed onesie for the nearly two week old little dude. My riding buddy told me he bought him one!

    Have you seen Fyxo’s?

    https://shop.fyxo.co/collections/baby-cycling-jersey

    I’d seen one or two of those, but not all of them. Very cool, thanks for the heads up. At this point…we need to put on a house addition before the little dude gets any more clothes, rockers, strollers, or gear in general.

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