Spiderman and His Climbing Monkey

How can anyone be such a great cyclist and look so ungainly on a bike? Does this not violate a basic tenet of V-philosophy? Would he not be faster if his knees and elbows were tucked in neatly, aligned with his forward motion?

On riding style alone Quintana has a huge edge, he just looks good as he climbs. He should be able to summon some extra V just on the looking-good-is-feeling-good-factor.

Pinot versus Bardet: Pinot always looks like he is in a fight with his bike on the uphills. Again, wouldn’t less fighting and more souplesse translate into more speed? Like Tommy ‘man of a thousand faces’ Voeckler, his climbing style of off the back, sprint forward, out of the saddle, jersey open, drift off the back again…and repeat. It makes no sense but the guy gets it done.

Looking good on the rivet on the flats is easier: a flat back, everything tucked in, body pulled low over the bike, almost everyone looks pretty awesome going hard when the terrain is level. Put the road into double digit ascent and everything comes off the rails. One’s inner climbing monkey comes out and some monkeys just look better than others. It’s not a reflection of inner beauty or Hardness or a life more cleanly lived. To paraphrase Don ‘puddin’ face’ Rumsfeld, you climb with the monkey you got, not the climbing monkey you wish you had.

My monkey is a slothie, sweaty old beast with one paw in the grave. It’s always been my monkey and we have become good friends. Froome’s is a Sumatran spider monkey, hopped up on a diet of buffo toads and fermented bananas. When that monkey appears, everyone better get out of the way.

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67 Replies to “Spiderman and His Climbing Monkey”

  1. @Teocalli

    @Zman

    Perhaps, you can ask him the question about being faster with elbows tucked when you’re riding next to him in some climb. If not, who gives a flying f&@$?!

    what’s next, having the right haircut?

    Ask Marcel Kitel.

    True story. I maintain the reason Sagan doesn’t win races or stages much any more is because he won’t cut his hippy hair.

  2. @Owen

    @Teocalli

    @Zman

    Perhaps, you can ask him the question about being faster with elbows tucked when you’re riding next to him in some climb. If not, who gives a flying f&@$?!

    what’s next, having the right haircut?

    Ask Marcel Kitel.

    True story. I maintain the reason Sagan doesn’t win races or stages much any more is because he won’t cut his hippy hair.

    Have you seen Aru’s hair these days? I remember seeing pics from a few years back and there was a barber on hand during the Tour in case a rider wanted a wee trim. Clearly, if he’s still there he’s not very busy these days.

    In any case, Anquetil had the best hair ever.

  3. Talking of Anquetil is this his wife? She looks similar but I can’t find any credit to confirm. Possibly from the period before they were married (if you know the story of that).

     

     

  4. @wiscot

    @Owen

    @Teocalli

    @Zman

    Perhaps, you can ask him the question about being faster with elbows tucked when you’re riding next to him in some climb. If not, who gives a flying f&@$?!

    what’s next, having the right haircut?

    Ask Marcel Kitel.

    True story. I maintain the reason Sagan doesn’t win races or stages much any more is because he won’t cut his hippy hair.

    Have you seen Aru’s hair these days? I remember seeing pics from a few years back and there was a barber on hand during the Tour in case a rider wanted a wee trim. Clearly, if he’s still there he’s not very busy these days.

    In any case, Anquetil had the best hair ever.

    Aru is winning stages when?

  5. @Teocalli

    Talking of Anquetil is this his wife? She looks similar but I can’t find any credit to confirm. Possibly from the period before they were married (if you know the story of that).

    @wiscot should note that I’m not making arguments on relative attractiveness of wives in the peleton. Only haircuts.

  6. @Oli

    @Owen

    What?? Have you missed his season? He’s the most winning World Champion in recent memory!

    This is true.

    And regardless of the rainbow bands Sagan is having one of his better seasons anyway – he’s always been one of the best riders but not made the top step at the biggest races, whereas this year he’s got his first Monument and a Tour stage.

  7. @Owen

    @Teocalli

    Talking of Anquetil is this his wife? She looks similar but I can’t find any credit to confirm. Possibly from the period before they were married (if you know the story of that).

    @wiscot should note that I’m not making arguments on relative attractiveness of wives in the peleton. Only haircuts.

    Anquetil’s wife was a blonde, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t her being “autographed.”

    @Owen. Of course not. We like to keep things high-minded around here! Speaking of which, ou est la femme d’Assos aujourd hui? (Sorry for the awful French).

  8. @wiscot

    @Owen

    @Teocalli

    Talking of Anquetil is this his wife? She looks similar but I can’t find any credit to confirm. Possibly from the period before they were married (if you know the story of that).

    @wiscot should note that I’m not making arguments on relative attractiveness of wives in the peleton. Only haircuts.

    Anquetil’s wife was a blonde, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t her being “autographed.”

    @Owen. Of course not. We like to keep things high-minded around here! Speaking of which, ou est la femme d’Assos aujourd hui? (Sorry for the awful French).

    It’s been a while since I read the book but I have a vague recollection that the girl in the photo is the “Miss France” of the day, or some film starlet at Cannes. I agree that it’s not his wife though.

  9. @wiscot

    @Owen

    @Teocalli

    Talking of Anquetil is this his wife? She looks similar but I can’t find any credit to confirm. Possibly from the period before they were married (if you know the story of that).

    @wiscot should note that I’m not making arguments on relative attractiveness of wives in the peleton. Only haircuts.

    Anquetil’s wife was a blonde, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t her being “autographed.”

    @Owen. Of course not. We like to keep things high-minded around here! Speaking of which, ou est la femme d’Assos aujourd hui? (Sorry for the awful French).

    You mean this one???  (in my defense, I just LOVE sex and sexy people–if you are into guys, I have NO problem with you posting the Assos guy–well, actually  I do but any sexy guys you all wish to post are fine as well as long as they are not THAT Assos guy).

    Okay frahnk, throw me into the penalty box–hell, the movers have been here for the past three days anyways and my life is fucking CRAZY!!!  Almost going off-line for the next two weeks anyways as we are moving into a hotel/flying/getting set up in Germany.  Long live the Assos Girl!!!

  10. @Teocalli

    @Steve Trice

    I read it recently and they use the photo as a cover (on my version) but I don’t recollect the incident actually being mentioned.

    Hmm, my memory gets worse with age, so it’s quite likely I didn’t read it in the book. However, I can’t shake a recollection of the pic being connected with glamour and Cannes. Maybe I’ll do a bit of Googling later.

  11. @Owen

    @Barracuda

    @Teocalli

    @RobSandy

    @Dave from VA

    but what the fuck is looks? Who cares?

    Do you know what website you’re on?

    +1

    Took a wrong turn after the Cycling News Forum and has’nt been able to find a way back since.

    At least he doesn’t think this is Slow Twitch.

    Riding in this morning I passed a guy in a t-shirt with some quotation on it and then slowtwitch.com written along the bottom. I was very happy I was going too fast to read the quotation.

  12. Well, well, well… Froome is doing his best to counter the charge of being boring and predictable.

    A late attack with the green jersey and yellow jersey working their butts off in a four man crosswind breakaway.

    Extraordinary stuff.

  13. even though I promised Mrs Roadslave525 that I wouldn’t spend all my time on this website and I would use the Internet only for ‘normal’ things like porn and watching Carpool Karaoke, I do feel the need to call @Gianni out on this:  if we are talking about ugly riding in the modern peleton, I’m not sure Froome even makes the podium… Aru – a climbing style that, whilst effective, is best suited for radio?  Mollema – the lateral swing each pedal stroke of his shoulders is about 16″?  And Dan Martin – looks like he is practising his sex moves on his bike when he attacks?  Froome does get the Adam Yates, i.e. 4th position, I grant you, and yes – he looks more comfortable running uphill in cleats than he does on a roadbike, which is odd as running isn’t his chosen metier – but his TT position is actually pretty fucken good.  I think the Kenyan kid (sorry, Brit) deserves a break… Just sayin’

    Now Sagan.  Mmmmm.  He reminds me of me on a bike

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