New Rule: 52 (Plus a Guest Reverence)
With the writing of our first book supposedly well underway (but in reality being discussed ad-nauseum in the Boardroom rather than actually committed to text), The Rules have at least been getting some form of attention from The Keepers. When deciding which Rules each of us were to curate, no-one really had much idea what exactly was in there; ask me what Rule #64 is, and I’m giving you a blank stare.
So a list was drawn up, and we found some deadwood hiding away, dry and rotten and ready to be tossed into the fiery cauldron atop Mt Velomis. Yep, time for a burnin’. We get a good number of suggestions for new Rules weekly, some are pure gold, some warrant a sternly-worded rebuttal, but all are usually forgotten quickly as we are just too damned useless to actually commit them to the Canon Of Cycling Etiquette. Which is why this one comes from within our ranks; it’s easier than looking back through dozens of old emails.
Without further ado, we present the newest Rule, slotting in at #52, replacing one that if any of you can recall what it was, then you deserve accolades (or sympathy) for committing such nonsense to memory.
Rule #52 // Drink in Moderation.
Bidons are to be small in size. 500ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.
There you have it. Let the discussions/arguments/bitching begin.
In the meantime, nutcase Aussie/esteemed community member @harminator gives us his take on the humble (and definitely small) bidon.
Yours in Cycling,
Brett
—
REVERENCE: THE BIDON.
The history of cycling is punctuated by technological advancement. Some developments come in giant leaps while others evolve more slowly. Either way, the march of progress is well resourced and never tires. It seems like every second week there’s a new gadget, composite material or design innovation which is absolutely necessary. I mean who could possibly continue to exist without a laser-etched, co2-filled tyre lever forged from West Flandrian unobtanium. Right?
The bidon is the forgotten cousin in the technology family. Back in the day, transporting water away from its source was pure genius. We take it for granted now, but it’s the bidon that makes endurance bike riding possible. Without it we’d be limited to riding around tracks, beside streams or from the billabong to the waterhole. Just imagine the indignity of Moser slurping from a puddle Bear Grylls-style, or a Grand Tour with Evian mountain-top drinks breaks?
But for me, the real fascination of the bidon lies with two paradoxes. Regardez-vous:
The first relates to value. On the surface they seem absolutely critical. The team necessarily commits a couple of riders to work all day on the bottles: Drop back to the car, cram one in every available jersey space, toil back up to the bunch, distribute, repeat. But the bidon itself is worthless in comparison to its contents. To the Pro, it’s a glorified bar wrapper. Drink then discard. For the average Velominatus Budgetatus, the decadence is exhilarating. I can only imagine the moment in a young Pro’s life when he first gets to fling an empty to the side of the road. There must be no clearer sign that you’ve hit the big time.
Further, when the bidon gets tossed aside, it becomes infinitely valuable again. Spectators who go nuts for all the crap thrown out by the caravan have been known to trample their own ailing Grandmothers for the things. They salute as if they’ve won the fucking Stage when they souvenir a grotty piece of cheap plastic dripping with Belgian Toothpaste. In the world of the bike race spectator, the bidon is the ducks nuts.
The second paradox centres on its use. The bidon has become part of the glorious realm of cycling gamesmanship. A rider’s use of the bidon should not give anything away about his or her level of suffering. Many of us have felt the total demoralisation of inhaling wasps, trying to hold on to the group, when the rider in front takes a drink as if they’re sipping a Mojito by the pool. Don’t get played. It’s a standard show of strength and often all bluff. The bottle is probably empty. Conversely, if you’re about to expire from dehydration, it’s critical not to show it by guzzling lustily. You might as well announce that you’re suffering badly and that now would be a good time to attack.
In the world of the amateur group ride, the bidon can be a measuring stick for rider competency. You can tell a lot about a rider by the way they take a drink. When the new guy in the group keeps his eyes ahead, makes a clean pickup, drinks modestly, and re-cages surely, all the while observing Rule #59, you know they’ve got their shit together. But if they throw an empty to the side of the road, prepare to hang tough – things are be about to get very messy.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/[email protected]/bidons/”/]
@Fausto Pull empty bidon from down tube cage. Push empty bidon into jersey pocket. Then pull full bidon from opposite jersey pocket. Push full bidon into down tube cage. Reach with right arm then left arm or the other way around.
@Blah
Ditto here! I ride in TN with +80% humidity and summer temperatures ~ 30C; two 750ml bidons are standard and generally depleted at the end of a 2hr ride. I will sometimes swing by the car during a second 50k lap to pick up new bottles I have preloaded and stashed in the cooler.
Not much issue w/ the camelback or the behind the seat tri-look since that clearly violates the caveat to “look fantastic”
@Pedale.Forchetta
Exactly!
This Rule is purely about the aesthetics of it. I got bent around the axle on the whole Rule #91 when it was introduced but fortunately I have learned to relax a bit since then and enjoy these rules for what they are: Guides to looking fantastic on the bike, not necessarily guides to performing better or safer.
Take them for what they are meant to be and most of all VLVV.
@Marcus
Looks like he’s singing Smoke Gets In Your Eyes holding the microphone cable like that.
The proper style is to grab it like its trying to escape and scream at it to keep it under control.
If that doesn’t work, you can stomp around to scare it into submission.
@Oli
So, I see you picked this little hunnie up then, yeah? Strictly speaking, its not even a Rule violation.
@Mikael Liddy
Just stop and look for a bit. One or even two small bidons would look so much more glorious.
Bel mezzo.
@Adrian
@Pedale.Forchetta
@wiscot
Agreed – very sensible move. I do the same thing, so obviously its brilliant.
@Blah, @GottaRideToday
Indeed. Like many of The Rules, there is a historical significance to it, a Vlaamse culture around it, and it Looks Fantastic. Don’t overthink it if it doesn’t work for you, just remember the masturbation principle.
@Buck Rogers
Yes, I remember you indicated Velominati would be held legally accountable for some moron blacking out from lack of nourishment and riding into oncoming traffic and getting killed.
So yeah, I’d say you were a bit wrapped around the axle. Strong work on the progress!
@frank
I thank my alcohol rehab program which consists of drinking a ton more now than I was then. Fuck, everything seems better now!
@Buck Rogers
@strathlubnaig forgot the link for Mr Van Hoecke http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/olympics/article-2186157/London-2012-Olympics-Belgian-cyclist-Gijs-van-Hoecke-drunken-night-out.html
brett and harminator, well done. think there is no more important subject of discourse than that of the bidon! as a retired soldier, I have experienced extreme temperatures and environments that most people only dream or dread. The human body is capable of adapting the most difficult conditions imaginable. Thank you evolution and great grandpa caveman. With this in mind, one bidon on short sub-2 hour rides (note, I say rides, not races). As I read this great debate,I was reminded of an article Mike Barry (yes that guy) wrote in either Peloton or Pave (I am on my BB, so forgive the uncertanty). The story is of early season training rides with such riders as David Millar, et al, and distinctly, they all are prepared to stop and down espressos, and refill a bidon. This is what it means to be and look pro. Casually riding, then pulling over for the much needed refill. Preferably in a 100 year ols cafe just off the cobbled road. As for the notion of a bunch of guys in spandex refilling at a convienence store, so be it. That is a common sight her in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains.
V & X!
fellow V,
Some of you know that in my retirement from the army, I am starting a cycling part business, including a studio and e-commerce website. All is in progress, including working with the Keepers, to the potential benefit of all here. Part of my progress has been to develop my own house brand, in addition to some great Euro works of art. With this in mind, I have sent the Keepers, Frank specificly, a set of carbon tubulars for his and other Keepers’ review and constructive input. I shipped these wheels from Canada to Seatle, a few weeks ago and they have yet to arrive on Frank’s doorstep. I shipped through Canada Post/USPS, and CP is investigating the delay. It may take upto 60 days to hear back from USPS too. I fear they have not been lost in the mail, but have been acquired by a resouceful, yet dishonest postal worker on either side of the 49th. I ask my fellow V to please keep a look out on local classifieds and cycling for sale boards, eBay, etc. These were a one off prototype wheel set. For taking everyone’s time on this great post, thank you for humouring me.
Wheel specs – 50mm tubular, 23mm wide, labeled in paint “Richter” on 3k matte. Sapim Cx rays (silver) and black alloy nipples. Red hubs also labeled Richter, laser etched. 28/28 three cross laced for CX riding and racing in mind.
Thanks.
@Dan_R
I fail to see the issue with stopping for a water refill at a store as well. At least with convenience stores you can be in and out in a minute, and don’t need to worry about your bike being pinched. I don’t know of any ride around here that would be magically “doable” with larger ugly bidons, but would require you to stop with smaller bidons. The few extra oz of water aren’t going to make a difference in that regard. So I roll with smaller bidons and refill when I need to using a mental map of fountains and convenience stores along my usual routes.
Also bummer about the wheels!
I’m sure frank just destroyed them by accidentally running his fat arse into a curb while practicing cross, and paid someone off at the USPS to “lose them in transit”.
@mcsqueak agrred. even on my longer rides to Banff, I can always refill at the first nations casino on the way back. and throw it all on black too! always bet on black.
@mcsqueak
Well exit stage left! I hope not, lol. they were built with that exact scenario in mind.
@Dan_R
That’s awesome and congrats on the new venture! Look forward to seeing your products!
@mcsqueak
frank in cahoots with LA then?
@Dan_R
Is it possible you might offer just rims for someone who might want to build a wheelset?
@motor city
Hmm…Let me think about that.
OK, done. Terrible idea. 1. It ain’t gonna hold over some bump; 2. needless expense; 3. addressing a problem that doesn’t exist – there are plenty of minimalist cages that function very well (I love my king Ti cages) and work with about any brand bottle.
First rule of tech: don’t solve problems that don’t exist. Unless of course you want to sell shitty tech and just get rich off other people’s stupidity. In which case…yeah…this is a great idea! To be selling.
@eightzero
Riding the Roubaix Pro Recce day at Keepers Tour 2012, I was riding along when suddenly my bidon was floating right in front of my face. I oddly didn’t know what to do about it, it just sitting there like that in the air. I decided not to move and just rode through it and I never saw that bidon again.
I have been having fun thinking about what a magnetic bidon cage would act like in a situation like that.
@Dan_R The fuckers! Best of luck getting them back, Dan.
@frank
Cool. You likely would have acted differently if that bidon cost $40. The seller of course wants to encourage your amazement.
All this talk of water in bidons, but what about the coffee ? I always load 2 bidons, one with cordial, and the other is a svelte little Starbucks travel mug, loaded with sweet hot expresso.
On the few bunch rides I’ve done, I am typically mocked, then envied, in that order. I do a lot of highway riding, and there is not often a coffee shop convenient, and it makes a Rule #9 wet ride into a guilty pleasure. Nothing better than pulling over at a lookout on a mountain pass for a coffee stop.
In Rule #9, stinking hot, I go for a big water in the second one, for hydration and dousing pleasure.
@eightzero
that’s a bit harsh, they’re especially designed for people who are either lacking the co-ordination or strength to extract a bidon from regular cage whilst riding.
@frank you make it sound like a reasonable amount of time each day is lost in thought about magnetic bidons on the pave. let me chuck this one into your reverie; jersey magnets, you wouldn’t even need to reach down, just wait for the bidon to eject, ride through it and then take a swill when it suits.
On the subject of cages, I’ve just picked up a pair of @steampunk’s C’dale Immix cages. lurvely.
@Ken Ho Espresso is fucked if it’s not consumed within minutes of landing in the cup and before it’s crema start to go.
There should be a rule about that.
I love coffee and drink it nearly daily, but I can’t imagine guzzling it during a ride, not even a cold and wet one.
I roll with Lezyne Flow. Happy customer.
@Ken Ho, @mcsqueak
Generally I’m a coffee drinker and like to start my rides with a bellyful, but I don’t put it in the bidon. In cold & wet Rule #9 conditions I sometimes bring hot tea with a little sugar, which I’ll drink on the move while it’s hot. It would be nice to have an insulated bidon for this but I don’t have one. If I want a coffee, I’ll stop for a fresh one.
OK, so it’s not expresso. It’s coffee the way I like it. But, you should try it before you knock it.
Rulz, schmulz………..every time I hear someone say “there should be a rule about that”, I think bad things.
I was hated by my teachers at school, cos I kept on questioning the rulz.
Rules are made to guide us in the dark. To enhance thinking, not to replace it. Once you have enough knowledge to light the darkness for yourself, rules don’t matter so much.
Progress, grasshoppers, depends entirely on people breaking the rules.
I bet when Tullio invented the quick-release, there was some curmudgeon grumbling about how it was not in the rules.
@Ken Ho
History also helps us to avoid making the same mistakes as the previous idiot.
Go to google books and word search books on Merckx, Simpson and the like and you’ll find reference to coffee but not in the bidon. Tea, yes, brandy, even. But not coffee.
I was respected by the teachers at school because I could recognise which rules to follow.
Of course, balance is important, which is why rule-makers need rule -breakers.
So, you must have broken some rules then, if you chose which ones to follow ?
I don’t disdain rules, I use them all the time. I just don’t let them make me stupid or discourage me from trying new stuff.
I’ve tried tea on the bike, didn’t work out as well, as it does not agree with stainless steel and while brandy is the traditional remedy for cold, I’m not sure it’s the right fuel for me on the bike. Merckx probably dosed up on strychnine too.
Hey, I might try some brandy in my coffee. That sounds like a grand idea. It’s getting warm enough now that I’ll probably switch to the summer formula soon anyway.
@Ken Ho
Damn fucking straight it’s not, ESPRESSO is how it is spelled!
Just becuase most muppets that sell coffee out here in Aus haven’t the foggiest on how to write it correctly, that’s no reason to perpetuate their stupidity.
My VMW is a 5th grade teacher and a “rule follower”. It bugs the hell out of her when I don’t follow some arbitrary rule. When she tells me what I’m doing is against the rules, I just remind her that I don’t care because that rule is stupid.
Of course, as a triathlete, she breaks multiples of our Rules every day.
OK, don’t blow a gasket. I’m a coffee Philistine, I know it. Would it help if I told you that I only drink instant coffee and therefore can be forgiven for not knowing these things ? Will that help ? Will it ?
@niksch
Uh, that would be VMH. By @Ken’s definition, the VMH and I balance each other out. Except for her fucking Wisconsin Badger Jersey. I hate that thing.
@Ken Ho
No, you’re just digging a deeper hole under yourself. Far from blowing a gasket, I find it mildly entertaining.
@frank bidons have been updated slightly since, this was the arrangement for yesterday morning’s ride that lasted just under 3hrs. Both were completely drained by the time I was done on what was a nothing more than a warm spring morning. The new Rapha bidons are 610 & 710ml versions of the Camelbak Podium Bottle
One of my oldest friend, that still manage to ride with us (he’s in his 70’s), has usually in his jersey a very little bottle full of espresso heavily sweetened. I can say that if you are on the verge of bonking that ‘bomba’ really help to escape from the man with the hammer.
@Nate
If you were berating a cyclist (Ken Ho) like this out on the road — then it would be in the best interest to drop you.
Ah! And again bel mezzo above!
@mcsqueak
I tried it (once). Took fresh coffee in a thermal 500ml bottle out on a cold ride that started at 29 degrees F. After 45min it was chilly, but took a sip despite my low anticipation. It sucked bad. Poured it out. Coffee is best served in the car before rolling out and same coffee almost as good at the end of a 4 hour ride (back in the car).
@Mikael Liddy
Are you actually offended by EXXXXXPRESSO-O!
From an Italian point of view…
@mxlmax
All in good fun — if he were really on the ball he’d throw the bidon of instant coffee at me too.
@Pedale.Forchetta ….. but there are plenty of Vs in espresso of course….
Haven’t tried coffee in the bidon, can’t imagine what it would be like, tried a caffeine gel once or twice, gives me a good rush on the hills but tends to lead to immense crash in energy once it “expires”. My VMH has agreed to bury me in lycra, with the bike, and the coffee machine. (Will probably get her to lob in a couple of beers as well if there’s still room).
@Mikael Liddy VERY nice.
@mxlmax
Yeah I hate cold coffee, so there is that issue as well.
I enjoy a little coffee before a ride, such as the small cup my Bialetti stovetop makes, or a doubleshot of eSpresso. Much more than that is liable to give me stomach issues later in the ride, I’ve found.
You may consider me educated on the correct spelling of espresso. I had never really paid attention.
Philistine I may be, but that is no excuse for ignorance.
My little thermal bidon keeps it warm enough for me.
There be no coffee shops on really any of my regular rides, so I need to Obey Rule #83.
@DerHoggz well, if Frank was in cahots with LA there would have been some mention on Velosnooze.
I will be able to supply rims. I will have a line of wheels, wheel parts, acessories, and tools. I have a guy that will do custom decals – so I can offer colour to match kit or bikes.
What experience do you have with building wheels?
If you have something specific in mind and since the store may not be online until November, you can email me.
[email protected]
Oil, thanks – I really just wanted to let people know if they see the wheels, they are unique.