New Rules

The Rules – They were never expected to become this well known. Nor was the list ever going to get this long or be taken this seriously. The Rules were first suggested as a few basic guidelines just to keep some basic civility and decorum on the road. But we took it too far (as we do everything) and now The Rules somehow define the Velominati, the inverse of intention. I use the communal ‘we’ as all Velominati share some responsibility in this.

In the spirit of a new year and spring cleaning, we have ourselves a Rules overhaul, with some New Rules to get excited about. Rule #38, #47, #79 and #81, we forget what those were, but we are moving on. For the official stone tablet version, refer to The Rules page.

  • Rule #38 – Don’t leapfrog. Don’t ride back into a group that just passed you and ruin their pace, the pace that you couldn’t keep or you wouldn’t have been passed in the first place, and especially if you’ve been passed by women. Deal with it. You’ve been chicked, get used to it. There are a lot of badass women cyclists and they are going to pass your ass. @Jen gave us this Rule, suggested from personal experience and “getting chicked” is in the lexicon.
  • Rule #47 – Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples.  Brett was rightly offended by someone on our facebook page suggesting “kicking back with a Corona”. Everyone should be offended by this, even people who come from the land of that other great amber embarrassment, Fosters. I’m told they export it only, there should be a Rule about that. Thirty years ago we were all excited in the USA about the massive oil cans of this exotic Fosters, except you couldn’t chill it cold enough to not taste it and there was even more of it to be gagged down. Enough! Quality beer is a recovery drink. It makes you a better cyclist. OK, that’s a stretch, a happier cyclist then.
  • Rule #79 – Fight for your town lines.  From our good mate @Rob; “I was out yesterday to start the serious training for the 200 on 100. Met up with a group that were strong but have no race experience. We passed through at least five town lines and one double-point town/county line (nearby is my all time favorite triple – state/county/town). There should be a Rule that says something like “Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not into it”. Every time we went through without sprinting, it was like, what a waste – this is boring! And I’m not even saying I would have won any.” When @Rob speaks, I listen, especially when sprinting is the subject. And yes, he would have won most of those sprints. I miss those rides: mindlessly rolling along when from behind, someone opens up a huge handlebar throwing sprint for a town line that everyone else is too dumb to realize is right up the road. Trash talking ensues, it’s all a way to pass the k’s, amuse each other and hone your sprint. Or nervously clicking ergo shifters so people close by hear and think you are preparing for the big shift and sprint as the town line approaches, forcing someone to do something as the ergo-clicker does nothing but rides along with a dumb grin on his face.
  • Rule #81 – Don’t talk it up.  Cruel but fair, tempting as it is to talk about one’s most recent road rash to one’s cycling buddies but really, if you are still riding, how bad could it have been? And it was probably your own fault so better to keep quiet. @MarkyMark gave us this gem then he disappeared. MarkyMark come back, you’re famous now.
  • Rule #88 – Don’t surge. A rule concerning the mechanics of group riding: when in a paceline, ride the tempo, before you tire, pull off, slow enough to drift to the back as the line ride through. It’s not rocket science, impress people by keeping the pace, not upping the speed when you get to the front. Thanks to John Perry, Sydney Cycling Club for Rule #88.

So there you have it, a slew of new Rules for you to meditate on, discuss amongst yourselves, and of course, Obey.

Related Posts

263 Replies to “New Rules”

  1. @ Gianni

    Bill Maher is gonna be pissed when he sees you’ve nicked one of his catch phrases.

  2. @Gianni

    Nice one on the new rules, I especially like #79 as this adds a lot of fun into the ride. The more people catch on the better it gets of course and the phantom clicks that ensue are just hilarious. Also it encourages people to actually look at the route beforehand which in my book is always a bonus.

  3. Affirm all of the new additions. On #Rule 88, its like JV (or some directeur) said in one of those docos – if you get to the front and your feeling strong, don’t go faster, just stay there longer.

  4. Fronk goes to a Cogal and look what happens.

    Fronk: Let’s get things nice and sparkling clear. This sarcasm, if I may call it such, does not become you, O my other Keepers. As I am your droog and leader, I am entitled to know what goes on, eh? Now then, Brett, what does that great big horsy gape of a grin portend?

    Gianni: All right, no more picking on Brett, brother. That’s part of the new way.

    Fronk: New way? What’s this about a new way? There’s been some very large talk behind my climbing back, and no error.

    Gianni: Well, if you must have it, have it then. We go around, ride crasting and the like, coming out with a pitiful rookerful of V each.

    Brett: Pitiful rookerful.

    Gianni: And there’s Wiggo the English, in the Muscleman coffee mesto, saying he can ride anything that any malchick tries to crast. The shiny stuff, the ice, the big, big, big V is available, is what Wiggo the English says.

    Marko: Big, big V.

    Fronk: And what will you do for the big, big, big V? Have you everything you need? If you need a gilet, do you pluck it from under your jersey? If you need steady up with more speed, do you shift to the big ring and take it?

    Gianni: Brother, you think and talk sometimes like a Pro. We were just adding to the Rules.

    Fronk: Well then, well done. Now put on Ludwig.

  5. @Toenails

    Rule #47.1: learn to pour a beer that’s more beer than head?

    That’s a beer? I had wondered what the cappuccino was doing next to the Tripel bottle.

  6. @Toenails

    Rule #47.1: learn to pour a beer that’s more beer than head?

    you’ve never been to Amsterdam, not only do they pour it like that but they slice off the excess with a dull knife. you gotta see it to believe it!!!

  7. And Rules don’t change numbers!

    I learned this yesterday. Don’t read the Rules right after waking up and not putting your glasses on.

  8. @Blah

    @Toenails

    Rule #47.1: learn to pour a beer that’s more beer than head?

    That’s a beer? I had wondered what the cappuccino was doing next to the Tripel bottle.

    PMSL :D First thing I thought as well. You Yanks… ;D

  9. @zalamanda

    European beer ends up looking more like a Mr Whippy. Best bet is a pint of traditional luke warm, flat English ale like Ye Olde Fruity Badger, or Bishops Fartberry Rumblepants. Carbs you back up in no time and cleans out your inards better than a bottle of limescale remover.

  10. Trainer intervals for past violations of Rule #88 for this guy. But shit man, when you have the legs and the twats in the group ride would rather bullshit than work, what else is there to do but tighten the screw a smidge?

  11. Gianni, just genius. Women, beer and town lines! No other could do it so well – end.

    I love the Rules – they are the litmus of twatdom. If someone thinks they are what its all about or conversely thinks they are for shite then you know they are bone headed.

    May the Keepers keep refining and building – 101 Rules sounds good to me.

  12. I agree with the surge rule. I usually let the donkey ride off the front until they finally realize they are all alone, only to slow down and be quickly overtaken by the paceline. With that said, there is a technique of slowly and smoothly ramping up the pace over the course of a long pull to avoid the unintended recovery ride.

  13. @Marko

    Trainer intervals for past violations of Rule #88 for this guy. But shit man, when you have the legs and the twats in the group ride would rather bullshit than work, what else is there to do but tighten the screw a smidge?

    Ride at the front longer not harder..thus you gain in the long run and they don’t then you kill them another time. Simples!

  14. Reference large swathes of text above – my spellchecker has just crashed – too much neologistics

  15. I like how the rules are in stone, but it’s soft stone, that can be altered as needed, instead of sticking to a Rule that no longer makes sense just because it is there. Makes me love this place even more. Rule #38 is an important one.

  16. What is the accepted technique for avoiding riding into town alone, subsequent upon being brought to the front with 2km to go before the high rolling hills section of the ride, and subsequent despatchment via the tradesman’s entrance? – seems to happen to me all the time – I think they might hate me

  17. @Dr C

    @Toenails

    Rule #47.1: learn to pour a beer that’s more beer than head?

    Well said, why do they do that in Europe?

    Forgive them Dr C, for they know not what they do.

    @bigbailey

    @zalamanda
    …or Bishops Fartberry Rumblepants. Carbs you back up in no time and cleans out your inards better than a bottle of limescale remover.

    LMFAO +1

  18. Never mind EPMS. You show a picture of a Tripel Karmeliet being served in the wrong glass.
    Belgian Beer Rule #1 – Every beer has it’s glass
    Belgian Beer Rule #2 – Never deviate from Belgian Beer Rule #1

  19. @RedRanger

    @DerHoggz

    Wasn’t shaving the guns Rule #33 at some point?

    Ok. See? I knew I wasn’t going crazy.

    I think it has something to do with the mobile site.

  20. The Rule numbers have not changed, mobile site or otherwise. The fact is, we take considerable pains to ensure they don’t.

    Rules may be added, removed (that’s why there are gaps), or combined but they never change their numbers.

    Let it go.

  21. I was chicked repeatedly by the VMH yesterday, which wasn’t very fair, since I was pulling about 45 kg worth of ancient trailer and my two daughters on the ride.

    (Although it was fun having the girls chanting “Go Dad Go!” on every climb).

  22. Currently finding this Yorkshire Square Ale rather irresistable (no match for Grimbergen Dubbel, but it’s frustratingly unobtainable) – I particularly enjoy talking to the Square Black Sheep on the bottle of the fourth one of the evening (I don’t believe the 5% figure, it’s quite potent after 90Ks)

  23. @frank

    The Rule numbers have not changed, mobile site or otherwise. The fact is, we take considerable pains to ensure they don’t.
    Rules may be added, removed (that’s why there are gaps), or combined but they never change their numbers.
    Let it go.

    Will do.

  24. love Rule #88, just had a work friend buy himself a bike, beginning to teach him the craft, (has involved him crashing into the back of me) but it’s the surging that gets me the most, i need to get him in a big group so that it makes sense.

    @Dr C The Black Sheep Brewery is 30 miles away from me and man i love that stuff, my favorite is the Riggwelter, Black Soup of an Ale. Packs a huge punch on the flavour and after a chaingang

  25. @scaler911

    I lost some respect for Guinness after seeing it being sold as part of an “Irish Beer Variety Pack” at Costco yesterday.

  26. @Dr C

    What is the accepted technique for avoiding riding into town alone, subsequent upon being brought to the front with 2km to go before the high rolling hills section of the ride, and subsequent despatchment via the tradesman’s entrance? – seems to happen to me all the time – I think they might hate me

    a healthy application of Rule #5 has helped me in the past

    of course, you can always Jens it, and simply pull off the front and ride into down ‘lone-wolf’ then give fair warning to the townspeople of the crazy bike riders who are chasing you

  27. Re: Rule #79; On the Cogal Saturday, the group kept sprinting for the lines; we had them all, city and county, plus the one from Vancouver/Portland which was a City/County/State. And I didn’t know where any of them were.

    On the way out, it was a nearly suicidal endeavor, sprinting off into the 55kmph headwind. On the way back, though, we had it at our backs and we felt like proper Pros, spinning out our top gear rolling along the river and and BANG! There they’d go. FUCK! Then I’d wind up after them, not having any clue where the line was. Absolutely fantastic fun.

    Rule #88 was hard to do on the way out, in that headwind, because all you could do was ride full gas and hope it was close to the same pace.

  28. Ok, here is a question I have been pondering for years, and soul searching. Is there a Rule for bike colors? Absolutes to avoid or is anything game?

  29. @The Oracle

    @scaler911
    I lost some respect for Guinness after seeing it being sold as part of an “Irish Beer Variety Pack” at Costco yesterday.

    True that. But the only Guinness I’ll drink is the stuff in Ireland. It’s not pasteurized, hasn’t been bounced around in a ship, heated and cooled a bunch of times. Since I traveled there, I haven’t had one stateside.

  30. @Souleur
    surely anything goes, provided it’s done with taste. There are some disgusting creations that have come out of the Trek project one custom stuff, but that shouldn’t rule out any given colour.

    Given that the definition of a Pro as actually being paid to ride for a team and having matching kit and bike is a part of it, no matter the colour scheme

  31. @Souleur

    Ok, here is a question I have been pondering for years, and soul searching. Is there a Rule for bike colors? Absolutes to avoid or is anything game?

    Not this:

  32. Regarding rule numbers.I like the idea that there must be a finite set of rules, that cannot be created or destroyed, but merely rearranged and re-evaluated into different interpretations. For all rules contained in the system, the import of individual edicts shall always be measured relatively to the amount of V laid down by the individual. A Law of Conservation of V, perhaps?

  33. @Dr C

    What is the accepted technique for avoiding riding into town alone, subsequent upon being brought to the front with 2km to go before the high rolling hills section of the ride, and subsequent despatchment via the tradesman’s entrance? – seems to happen to me all the time – I think they might hate me

    Since those are the only town line sprints I ever win, I showboat across them.

    @zalamanda

    @Toenails

    Rule #47.1: learn to pour a beer that’s more beer than head?

    you’ve never been to Amsterdam, not only do they pour it like that but they slice off the excess with a dull knife. you gotta see it to believe it!!!

    Some cultures believe that you pour beer with lots of head to keep the beer’s flavor in. To me, that’s kind of like getting dropped just to feel what its like to have to bridge up to a group.

  34. @The Oracle
    what can one say…

    @scaler911
    clearly not poured in Ireland outside of the big 4 cities, coz the bar staff get sacked if they do that thing on the top – head looks a bit frothy, maybe sitting too long (a sin in itself) – I might suggest this is more what you might wish for…

  35. @Sam

    @Dr C The Black Sheep Brewery is 30 miles away from me and man i love that stuff, my favorite is the Riggwelter, Black Soup of an Ale. Packs a huge punch on the flavour and after a chaingang

    So now we have a good starting point for another English Cogal….

  36. @Dr C

    @Dr C

    What is the accepted technique for avoiding riding into town alone, subsequent upon being brought to the front with 2km to go before the high rolling hills section of the ride, and subsequent despatchment via the tradesman’s entrance? – seems to happen to me all the time – I think they might hate me

    Since those are the only town line sprints I ever win, I showboat across them.

    Misread your post. I mistakenly thought you asked what the policy is on town line sprints when riding solo. THOSE are the only ones I win, so I celebrate extensively and look behind me in amazement, at being alone in the photo.

  37. @Souleur

    Ok, here is a question I have been pondering for years, and soul searching. Is there a Rule for bike colors? Absolutes to avoid or is anything game?

    I think after you watch even the ugliest paint job cross the line first, it starts to become beautiful. So long as the finish is a good quality one, I think you’re in the clear for any paint job.

    @scaler911
    +1. Except those old Kleins! Its made worse by the matched stem/bars. Too much!

  38. @scaler911

    @Souleur

    Ok, here is a question I have been pondering for years, and soul searching. Is there a Rule for bike colors? Absolutes to avoid or is anything game?

    Not this:

    @scaler: exactly

    I mean, I hate to say it, being a purist, but recycle that bastard and beat the marketing guru who came up with that pile o shit

    thanks

    @frank: I am trying to absorb this, and have a little more give and take on the colors. I do the absolutes, but the relative colors are the hard one.

    LIKE: Here is what the old schoolers use to teach

    white is bat shit fast, its fast standing still, its fast moving, throw a little silver dust in the paint, and the crowd goes wild

    Black is always in style….but now that everyone is ‘stealthy’ its so overdone its become epic…if you know what I mean

    red and blue, you must be careful
    and…pegoretti is the only one who can do what he does with paint schemes and be called ‘GENIUS’

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.