It is time to confess your sins.

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

by / / 110 posts

  1. Rule #3 //
    Guide the uninitiated.

    No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

  1. The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
  2. Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
  3. A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
  4. Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
  5. The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

// Keepers Tour // La Vie Velominatus // Look Pro // The Rules

  1. @the Engine

    @Gianni

    @Teocalli

    @Gianni

    @brett

    @asyax

    You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

    I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

    And it’s not me either.

    We’re rapidly running short on candidates………….a full confession is going to be due by default.

    There is always Marko, or Jim. They do live. But since only Frank and Brett were in Norther France and Belgium and Brett does some wrenching in a bike shop for a living, a certain DM is under suspicion. I’m just saying.

    That’s not to say I haven’t f’ed up a tool or two in my centuries of bike maintenance.

    We’re talking hammer pliers interface here aren’t we? Alexandre’s special family heirloom pliers…

    Oh, right! I forgot about that! I’ll just point out that William and Alex didn’t have fucking CABLE CUTTERS in their toolbox so I had to get creative. Desperate times and all that.




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  2. @brett

    @Chris

    @brett

    @Chris

    Frank and me at the back discussing how wrong (and cold) it is standing around in kit in a brewery.

    I was wondering where you were in that photo.

    I’d assumed that you were either taking the photo or hiding having realised that fact that the pair of you had failed to properly dress Ivor that morning also meant that you were unlikely to be able to organise this piss up appropriate to your surroundings.

    I’d long given up on both l’engine and organising a piss-up in a brewery.

    I’d also like to point out that I was the only one with the courage to ride home with beer in the bidon. If you can’t manage that on a ride to and from a brewery, then when the hell can you do it?




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  3. @the Engine Transgressing the rules in front of a Keeper takes some real balls (or lack of common sense maybe. Could’t they excommunicate you on the spot?). I have come back to a full-on Dana Carvey-Church Lady stance on the rules as of late after some meditation (sans pearls and swinging purse though).

    I do like the idea of translating the rules to other languages to spread the gospel and it takes some talent (Southern drawl is easy providing you use the words “fixin” and “y-all” liberally). In my own experience, I was trying to explain “Harden the fuck up” to some buddies in Quebec and them using Google Translate to figure it out was priceless.




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  4. Did someone say “tan lines”? It’s been a nice spring in the Pacific Northwest of the US of ‘Murica. During yesterday’s post-ride Fremont Interurban IPA in the tub:




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  5. @PeakInTwoYears

    3 taps?




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  6. @PeakInTwoYears

    I do not understand why @The Engine should be having this trouble with his bib shorts. He is not small. He is, rather, quite on the large size. I am small; I understand having to struggle with excess bib short. I deal with this every time I kit up. So I’m mystified by 1) how his bib shorts could be so long and 2) how this mysterious condition is rectified.

    Oh, and I hate you all who were there.

    If you look carefully at @L’Engine you will see that your legs are about the same length, he just has a freakishly long upper body.




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  7. @Chris

    Speaking of V-Kit. When will there be more? Will there be more?

    My V-jersey’s zip has failed so I’m limited to wearing my LS Jersey and late night roller sessions that no-one can ever be witness to.

    Yes, there will. We are in the midst of adding a new, more understated design and don’t want to put the original up until the new design is ready. Shouldn’t be more than a month or so.

    Once its up, we’ll also switch to a new “preorder” model where you can order but won’t get charged until the order actually goes into the manufacturer. It will complicate things on our end a bit as we’ll have some extra overhead but it will be well worth it in terms of improved customer experience.

    Stand by, and the new shit will be glorious – and we will still have the current design available as well.




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  8. @piwakawaka

    Center lever routes the water to the hand-held shower thingy. Don’t ask how much that shit cost. I could have bought a fucking bike frame.




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  9. @frank

    Which is so sad for him because I have short legs for my size and he’s a meter taller than I am.




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  10. @Ccos

    @the Engine Transgressing the rules in front of a Keeper takes some real balls (or lack of common sense maybe. Could’t they excommunicate you on the spot?). I have come back to a full-on Dana Carvey-Church Lady stance on the rules as of late after some meditation (sans pearls and swinging purse though).

    I do like the idea of translating the rules to other languages to spread the gospel and it takes some talent (Southern drawl is easy providing you use the words “fixin” and “y-all” liberally). In my own experience, I was trying to explain “Harden the fuck up” to some buddies in Quebec and them using Google Translate to figure it out was priceless.

    I’ve got The Rider in Dutch (given to me by @ErikdR) and that’s finally giving me the motivation to read an entire book in Dutch. Given that I haven’t had the courage to read The Rules yet, maybe I’ll finally nut up for the Dutch version. It was surreal to see the revision of the cover, reading “De Regels”. Also, the Dutch translator caught many errors that no one else had, which is not a surprise.

    Interestingly, we’ve had some folks reach out to translate the page for The Rules into other languages. We have the technology to load different pages based on where you’re visiting the site from, so for anyone who wants to translate the page for us, we would be delighted to maintain different version. I have a request from a gent in Italy to translate them, so we’ll for sure move forward with that. We had one from Germany as well but never heard back after we gave them the green light.

    Anyway, fun stuff. Never thought this would happen when we started posting…and to think of the unlikely odds that Brett and I would meet and set this whole thing afoot is mind boggling. So humbling.




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  11. @Ron

    Goddamnit, finally some people who fucking care about standards of behavior and upholding them!!! I fucking LOVE #3! Just getting warmer, so more cyclists out and the ratio of Breachers:Followers is truly staggering.

    Now, if only we could apply some Rules to the all the dipshits meandering about these days. Crocs are not “business casual”, slippers aren’t worn outside your home, eyeglasses come with lenses, which assist your eyeballs with seeing properly, and hosiery should be worn with a dress or a skirt, not just thong underwear…(or worse, granny pannies!)

    *And before you get worried, I’m not off my meds! It’s official: pronounced plain crazy and not clinically crazy by a doctor. I don’t need any meds, just fewer jerks in the world. The VMH has been made to accept that I’m beyond medicinal correction.

    This is my favorite post in the history of the site.




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  12. @piwakawaka

    @PeakInTwoYears

    3 taps?

    one for cold, one for water in Fahrenheit and one for Celsius .




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  13. Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

    Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

    Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.

    Wait a minute……




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  14. @markb

    @piwakawaka

    @PeakInTwoYears

    3 taps?

    one for cold, one for water in Fahrenheit and one for Celsius .

    Hot, cold, beer – what could be simpler?




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  15. I can hardly wait to find out how the Dutch translator has chosen to translate “HTFU”.




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  16. @frank

    Was back in the NLs over Easter and bought Tim Krabbé’s De Renner. I saw the English excerpts on the internet but I always prefer to read (if I can manage the language) the original. Also bought his latest book “71 wielerverhalen” at the same time.We should have him write the intro to the Dutch translation of the Rules? Or van Dam? Dekker? Raas? Prikkeldraad? You name it!

    The TDF will start this year in Utrecht, and the railwaymuseum has a special exhibition dedicated to cycling. It even has the wooden post that Prikkeldraad hit when he got his nickname…

    Probably you should not translate “the Rules” into “de Regels”. Most Dutch are quite OK to use English; Flemish on the other hand may prefer Dutch-only. Oh, and do not translate Rule #5. That’s internationally quite widely understood…




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  17. @frank

    @brett

    @Chris

    @brett

    @Chris

    Frank and me at the back discussing how wrong (and cold) it is standing around in kit in a brewery.

    I was wondering where you were in that photo.

    I’d assumed that you were either taking the photo or hiding having realised that fact that the pair of you had failed to properly dress Ivor that morning also meant that you were unlikely to be able to organise this piss up appropriate to your surroundings.

    I’d long given up on both l’engine and organising a piss-up in a brewery.

    I’d also like to point out that I was the only one with the courage to ride home with beer in the bidon. If you can’t manage that on a ride to and from a brewery, then when the hell can you do it?

    What do they call Dutch Courage in the Netherlands?

    Actually this was the day that @Frank lost his shizzle with @Engine and gave him step by step instructions in proper bib adjustment. But you can’t make a silk purse out of a grotty chamois.




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  18. @Harminator

    Am learning a lot about my own mother tongue when looking up what Dutch Courage means! References to “many other pejorative uses of Dutch” as an adjective…

    There’s no direct Dutch translation (of course, in Dutch the adjective “Dutch” never would be pejorative) but I would translate “to gain Dutch courage” as “moed indrinken”.




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  19. Another lurker here.

    @Frank

    You mention The Rider by Krabbe and then say “and to think of the unlikely odds that Brett and I would meet and set this whole thing afoot is mind boggling. So humbling.”

    Just wondering if you have also read The Cave (De Grot?) by Krabbe? Not quite as good as the rider (there are no bikes in it for a start – wtf) but still an excellent read. One of it’s main themes is the millions of unlikely decisions that need to come together for an event to occur ie this excellent site coming to be by the millions of choices you and Brett made to eventually meet. Here’s a quote that says it better than me

    A child on the beach takes a handful of sand and throws it. How much of a chance was there that those grains of sand would ever come together to form a handful again? None. But then how much of a chance had there been a thousand years ago? None either. Still, they’d come together. Something had happened that couldn’t happen. That’s how it was with everything.

    Humbling indeed. Anyway, keep up the good vvork




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  20. @ErikdR

    I can hardly wait to find out how the Dutch translator has chosen to translate “HTFU”.

    Absolutely funny regardless of language. Use google translate and choose any language, then cut and paste it in reverse to see how it gets translated back into English. I forget which one ended up being “you really should try harder and not complain so much” maybe that was Japanese (or maybe I made that up).

    Too bad it doesn’t have the Yankee dialect of Masshole, it would probable end up using the words “douchebag” and “wicked.”




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  21. @Ron

    Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

    A dissenter here: If something has the word ‘fake’ therein almost by definition the Keepers would disown it.

    Like getting a Shimano component and engraving Campagnolo over it and saying a fake Campag component is fine. Either have a tan or don’t!

    David




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  22. @frank

    @brett

    @asyax

    You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

    I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

    What the fuck are you two talking about?

    This:




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  23. @frank

    @Ron

    Goddamnit, finally some people who fucking care about standards of behavior and upholding them!!! I fucking LOVE #3! Just getting warmer, so more cyclists out and the ratio of Breachers:Followers is truly staggering.

    Now, if only we could apply some Rules to the all the dipshits meandering about these days. Crocs are not “business casual”, slippers aren’t worn outside your home, eyeglasses come with lenses, which assist your eyeballs with seeing properly, and hosiery should be worn with a dress or a skirt, not just thong underwear…(or worse, granny pannies!)

    *And before you get worried, I’m not off my meds! It’s official: pronounced plain crazy and not clinically crazy by a doctor. I don’t need any meds, just fewer jerks in the world. The VMH has been made to accept that I’m beyond medicinal correction.

    This is my favorite post in the history of the site.

    Darnit, I’m peaking after the cobbled Classics! Another campaign lost, but I must take some solace in doing my maximum effort and getting a bit of recognition. The least I can do it give back a little bit of comic relief to this awesome community. Enjoy the weekend rides, everyone!




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  24. @brett

    @frank

    @brett

    @asyax

    You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

    I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

    What the fuck are you two talking about?

    This:

    Is that the septic tank?




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  25. @Chris

    Aye.




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  26. @frank

    @brett

    @Chris

    @brett

    @Chris

    Frank and me at the back discussing how wrong (and cold) it is standing around in kit in a brewery.

    I was wondering where you were in that photo.

    I’d assumed that you were either taking the photo or hiding having realised that fact that the pair of you had failed to properly dress Ivor that morning also meant that you were unlikely to be able to organise this piss up appropriate to your surroundings.

    I’d long given up on both l’engine and organising a piss-up in a brewery.

    I’d also like to point out that I was the only one with the courage to ride home with beer in the bidon. If you can’t manage that on a ride to and from a brewery, then when the hell can you do it?

    You were the only one stupid enough to put strawberry flavoured beer in your bidon, more like. Massive Rule violation right there.




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  27. @mattb

    Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

    Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

    Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.

    Wait a minute……

    I could probably jump over the ditch for that…




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  28. @Ccos

    @ErikdR

    I can hardly wait to find out how the Dutch translator has chosen to translate “HTFU”.

    Absolutely funny regardless of language. Use google translate and choose any language, then cut and paste it in reverse to see how it gets translated back into English. I forget which one ended up being “you really should try harder and not complain so much” maybe that was Japanese (or maybe I made that up).

    Too bad it doesn’t have the Yankee dialect of Masshole, it would probable end up using the words “douchebag” and “wicked.”

    Former Boston resident here. It would probably be something like: “Just go wicked fahkin’ haahd, guy! Fahk you!”




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  29. @davidlhill

    @Ron

    Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

    A dissenter here: If something has the word ‘fake’ therein almost by definition the Keepers would disown it.

    Like getting a Shimano component and engraving Campagnolo over it and saying a fake Campag component is fine. Either have a tan or don’t!

    David

    Damn I have to admit you have a point. Plus I’m a bit wary of making my legs match the V kit when fake tan comes out a bit too orange…….it could be taking the orange thing a bit to far. Anyway at the moment the cars have zip excuse not to see me!




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  30. @KogaLover

    @Harminator

    Am learning a lot about my own mother tongue when looking up what Dutch Courage means! References to “many other pejorative uses of Dutch” as an adjective…

    There’s no direct Dutch translation (of course, in Dutch the adjective “Dutch” never would be pejorative) but I would translate “to gain Dutch courage” as “moed indrinken”.

    The joke is “What do Dutch people call Dutch Courage?” and the answer is “We just call it ‘courage’.”

    And “What do Kiwi’s call ‘Kiwi Fruit’?” “We just call it ‘fruit’.”

    You can go forever on this:

    “What do Dutch people call a Dutch Treat?” and the answer is “We just call it a ‘treat’.”

    …”We just call it going…”

    Tasmanians just call them “devils”




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  31. @brett

    @frank

    @brett

    @asyax

    You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

    I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

    What the fuck are you two talking about?

    This:

    Why did I let anyone photograph that? I do look skinny, so there’s that.




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  32. @brett

    @mattb

    Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

    Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

    Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.

    Wait a minute……

    I could probably jump over the ditch for that…

    That’s what Cogals are for – @mattb, go ahead and organize one; it’s a great way to get to extend our community into the real world.

    http://www.velominati.com/cogals/




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  33. @Teocalli

    @davidlhill

    @Ron

    Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

    A dissenter here: If something has the word ‘fake’ therein almost by definition the Keepers would disown it.

    Like getting a Shimano component and engraving Campagnolo over it and saying a fake Campag component is fine. Either have a tan or don’t!

    David

    Damn I have to admit you have a point. Plus I’m a bit wary of making my legs match the V kit when fake tan comes out a bit too orange…….it could be taking the orange thing a bit to far. Anyway at the moment the cars have zip excuse not to see me!

    Holy fuck are we seriously talking about fake tan? Get the fuck on your bike and do it the real way. JAYSUS.

    I can’t believe this subject is being raised. Time to start issuing some demerits.




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  34. @Jabbazanetti

    Another lurker here.

    @Frank

    You mention The Rider by Krabbe and then say “and to think of the unlikely odds that Brett and I would meet and set this whole thing afoot is mind boggling. So humbling.”

    Just wondering if you have also read The Cave (De Grot?) by Krabbe? Not quite as good as the rider (there are no bikes in it for a start – wtf) but still an excellent read. One of it’s main themes is the millions of unlikely decisions that need to come together for an event to occur ie this excellent site coming to be by the millions of choices you and Brett made to eventually meet. Here’s a quote that says it better than me

    A child on the beach takes a handful of sand and throws it. How much of a chance was there that those grains of sand would ever come together to form a handful again? None. But then how much of a chance had there been a thousand years ago? None either. Still, they’d come together. Something had happened that couldn’t happen. That’s how it was with everything.

    Humbling indeed. Anyway, keep up the good vvork

    Welcome, sir, and awesome quote!




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  35. @frank

    @Teocalli

    @davidlhill

    @Ron

    Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

    A dissenter here: If something has the word ‘fake’ therein almost by definition the Keepers would disown it.

    Like getting a Shimano component and engraving Campagnolo over it and saying a fake Campag component is fine. Either have a tan or don’t!

    David

    Damn I have to admit you have a point. Plus I’m a bit wary of making my legs match the V kit when fake tan comes out a bit too orange…….it could be taking the orange thing a bit to far. Anyway at the moment the cars have zip excuse not to see me!

    Holy fuck are we seriously talking about fake tan? Get the fuck on your bike and do it the real way. JAYSUS.

    I can’t believe this subject is being raised. Time to start issuing some demerits.

    Have no fear I was only poking fun at my current celery sticks.




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  36. @davidlhill

    @Ron

    Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

    A dissenter here: If something has the word ‘fake’ therein almost by definition the Keepers would disown it.

    Like getting a Shimano component and engraving Campagnolo over it and saying a fake Campag component is fine. Either have a tan or don’t!

    David

    I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.




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  37. @frank

    The joke is “What do Dutch people call Dutch Courage?” and the answer is “We just call it ‘courage’.”

    And “What do Kiwi’s call ‘Kiwi Fruit’?” “We just call it ‘fruit’.”

    You can go forever on this:

    “What do Dutch people call a Dutch Treat?” and the answer is “We just call it a ‘treat’.”

    …”We just call it going…”

    Tasmanians just call them “devils”

    In a similar vein, when yanks talk about applying ‘English’ when playing pool, we just hit the fucking ball and move on; it’s a pub game, so by definition it should never be taken seriously.




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  38. @markb

    But aren’t yanks the only ones who do take pool seriously?




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  39. I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.

    I’m not being fucking serious. Fake tans are absurd. The fact that people a) willingly do it b) pay to do it. to walk around looking as orange as an Ooompah Loompah is a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. It’s fucking horrible.

    The only tan I’ve ever give a moment of thought is a Proper Cyclist Tan, not because looking tan is cool and shows off my pecs, but it’s the proof that I’ve been out stomping pedals on the weekends and after work.

    (And besides, my maternal grandmother died of skin cancer metastasizing, so my mother has never let me out in the sun without high spf sunblock. And yes, on this one I still follow what my mothers says, though I do sneak in some tanned forearms and thighs…)




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  40. @brett

    @frank

    @brett

    @asyax

    You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

    I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

    What the fuck are you two talking about?

    This:

    It’s like that scene in “2001 a Space Odyssey” – after @Frank breaks Alexandre’s favourite pliers, he throws the parts in the air and we cut to a spaceship about a million years later

    As an aside, @Frank‘s chimp suit is way more convincing that the one Kubrick made his actors wear




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  41. @Ron

    I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.

    I’m not being fucking serious. Fake tans are absurd. The fact that people a) willingly do it b) pay to do it. to walk around looking as orange as an Ooompah Loompah is a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. It’s fucking horrible.

    The only tan I’ve ever give a moment of thought is a Proper Cyclist Tan, not because looking tan is cool and shows off my pecs, but it’s the proof that I’ve been out stomping pedals on the weekends and after work.

    (And besides, my maternal grandmother died of skin cancer metastasizing, so my mother has never let me out in the sun without high spf sunblock. And yes, on this one I still follow what my mothers says, though I do sneak in some tanned forearms and thighs…)

    My mother told me that when the ice cream van man played his tune it was because he had run out of ice cream




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  42. @the Engine

    @brett

    @frank

    @brett

    @asyax

    You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

    I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

    What the fuck are you two talking about?

    This:

    It’s like that scene in “2001 a Space Odyssey” – after @Frank breaks Alexandre’s favourite pliers, he throws the parts in the air and we cut to a spaceship about a million years later

    As an aside, @Frank‘s chimp suit is way more convincing that the one Kubrick made his actors wear

    Yeah, what’s up with the sleeves on that jacket? Are they half-length or what?




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  43. @mattb

    Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

    Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

    Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.

    Wait a minute……

    I as so pissed of last year – late September to be precise. There I was all psyched up for the Heck of he North. I was registered and paid the fee and all. I work with a lot of ladies (11 to 1 in a recent meeting) and they know I need bit more testosterone around me. There I was, all ready to go to Minnesota and meet up with men I’ve never actually met (only on the internet), who shave their legs and bunk down at Marko’s compound. They were genuinely disappointed for me when work got in the way.

    No such issues expected this year as my calendar looks nice and clear.




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  44. @frank

    @brett

    @mattb

    Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

    Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

    Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.

    Wait a minute……

    I could probably jump over the ditch for that…

    That’s what Cogals are for – @mattb, go ahead and organize one; it’s a great way to get to extend our community into the real world.

    http://www.velominati.com/cogals/

    If you guys ever publish the write up from this year’s TDU Cogal he would know all about the fun he’s missed.




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  45. @gilly

    @Ron

    I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.

    I’m not being fucking serious. Fake tans are absurd. The fact that people a) willingly do it b) pay to do it. to walk around looking as orange as an Ooompah Loompah is a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. It’s fucking horrible.

    The only tan I’ve ever give a moment of thought is a Proper Cyclist Tan, not because looking tan is cool and shows off my pecs, but it’s the proof that I’ve been out stomping pedals on the weekends and after work.

    (And besides, my maternal grandmother died of skin cancer metastasizing, so my mother has never let me out in the sun without high spf sunblock. And yes, on this one I still follow what my mothers says, though I do sneak in some tanned forearms and thighs…)

    My mother told me that when the ice cream van man played his tune it was because he had run out of ice cream




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  46. @wiscot

    Its a hybrid down jacket, meant for using as a layer under your waterproof barrier when skiing, but a little bit too awesome to only use for that purpose.

    http://www.patagonia.com/us/product/mens-hybrid-down-jacket-for-skiing-and-snowboarding?p=31300-1

    @Mikael Liddy

    Did we miss something there?




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  47. @frank

    @wiscot

    Its a hybrid down jacket, meant for using as a layer under your waterproof barrier when skiing, but a little bit too awesome to only use for that purpose.

    I take it the Watchers of the Wax don’t have a Rule that states //Hybrid Down Jackets are for Skiing only and can certainly never be worn whilst murdering tools?

    They should consider it.




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  48. @Ron

    I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.

    I’m not being fucking serious. Fake tans are absurd. The fact that people a) willingly do it b) pay to do it. to walk around looking as orange as an Ooompah Loompah is a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. It’s fucking horrible.

    The only tan I’ve ever give a moment of thought is a Proper Cyclist Tan, not because looking tan is cool and shows off my pecs, but it’s the proof that I’ve been out stomping pedals on the weekends and after work.

    (And besides, my maternal grandmother died of skin cancer metastasizing, so my mother has never let me out in the sun without high spf sunblock. And yes, on this one I still follow what my mothers says, though I do sneak in some tanned forearms and thighs…)

    Rhubarb – Guns that have been germinating in the dark over winter lit with nowt but candlelight and are fresh and sweet to bring out in the Spring.




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  49. @Chris

    @frank

    @wiscot

    Its a hybrid down jacket, meant for using as a layer under your waterproof barrier when skiing, but a little bit too awesome to only use for that purpose.

    I take it the Watchers of the Wax don’t have a Rule that states //Hybrid Down Jackets are for Skiing only and can certainly never be worn whilst murdering tools?

    They should consider it.

    Yes. Far be it from me to question @frank‘s sartorial choices, but when he showed up at the cogal of the falling leaves (aka “@eightzero bails again” or “@cognition donates skin”) wearing that thing I was left wondering if he was having a mid-nineties euro flashback.




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  50. @frank the Cogal report has been sitting in the drafts queue for a while, that’s all.




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