The Prophet (Merckx) and the Apostle (De Vlaeminck) forge the foundation of The Rules.

The Prophet (Merckx) and the Apostle (De Vlaeminck) forge the foundation of The Rules.

The Rules

by / / 11665 posts

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.

The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.

See also The Prophet’s Prayer.

For those struggling to understand exactly what it means to be a Rule Holist and embrace all these Rules, please review the following material:

Presenting: Obey The Rules (Welly White Boy Edit) by GangstaPhant featuring BrettOK and Newz.

Download: Obey the Rules

  1. Rule #1 //

    Obey The Rules.
  2. Rule #2 //
    Lead by example.

    It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.1

  3. Rule #3 //
    Guide the uninitiated.

    No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.

  4. Rule #4 //
    It’s all about the bike.

    It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.

  5. Rule #6 //
    Free your mind and your legs will follow.

    Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike.  Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.

  6. Rule #7 //
    Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.

    Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.

  7. Rule #8 //
    Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched.3

    Valid options are:

    • Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
    • Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
    • Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
    • Black, black, black
  8. Rule #9 //
    If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.

    Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.

  9. Rule #10 //
    It never gets easier, you just go faster.

    As this famous quote by Greg LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.4

  10. Rule #11 //
    Family does not come first. The bike does.

    Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”21

  11. Rule #12 //
    The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.

    While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.

  12. Rule #
    13

    //

    If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.

    Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.

  13. Rule #14 //
    Shorts should be black.

    Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.

  14. Rule #15 //
    Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys.

    Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you will look like a douche.

  15. Rule #16 //
    Respect the jersey.

    Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.

  16. Rule #17 //
    Team kit is for members of the team.

    Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.  If you must fly the colors of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.

  17. Rule #18 //
    Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.

    No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike (unless racing XC). Skin suits only for cyclocross.

  18. Rule #19 //
    Introduce Yourself.

    If you deem it appropriate to join a group of riders who are not part of an open group ride and who are not your mates, it is customary and courteous to announce your presence. Introduce yourself and ask if you may join the group. If you have been passed by a group, wait for an invitation, introduce yourself, or let them go. The silent joiner is viewed as ill-mannered and Anti-V. Conversely, the joiner who can’t shut their cakehole is no better and should be dropped from the group at first opportunity.

  19. Rule #20 //
    There are only three remedies for pain.

    These are:

    • If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
    • If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
    • If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on  Rule #5 and train more!
  20. Rule #21 //
    Cold weather gear is for cold weather.

    Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, save your Flandrian Best for Flemish weather.

  21. Rule #22 //
    Cycling caps are for cycling.

    Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping.  Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).   Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable aprés-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag. 5

  22. Rule #23 //
    Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.

    You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block. Tucking prematurely while descending is the antithesis of Casually Deliberate. For more on riding fast downhill see Rule #64 and Rule #85.

  23. Rule #24 //
    Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers.

    This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.

  24. Rule #25 //
    The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car.

    Or at least be relatively more expensive.  Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean said.

  25. Rule #26 //
    Make your bike photogenic.

    When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices include putting the chain on the big dog, and no bidons in the cages.

  26. Rule #27 //
    Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.

    Not too long and not too short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.

  27. Rule #28 //
    Socks can be any damn colour you like.

    White is old school cool. Black is cool too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long.  If you feel you must go colored, make sure they damn well match your kit. Tip: DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.

  28. Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

  29. Rule #30 //
    No frame-mounted pumps.

    Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule #31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.

  30. Rule #31 //
    Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.

    If absolutely necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. Or, use one of these.

  31. Rule #32 //
    Humps are for camels: no hydration packs.

    Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.

  32. Rule #33 //
    Shave your guns.

    Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth.

  33. Rule #34 //
    Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.

    On a mountain bike.

  34. Rule #35 //
    No visors on the road.

    Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade, see Rule #22.

  35. Rule #36 //
    Eyewear shall be cycling specific.

    No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.

  36. Rule #37 //
    The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.

    No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.

  37. Rule #38 //
    Don’t Play Leap Frog.

    Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.

  38. Rule #39 //
    Never ride without your eyewear.

    You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet.  If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 31).

  39. Rule #40 //
    Tires are to be mounted with the label centered over the valve stem.

    Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.

  40. Rule #41 //
    Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.

    Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.9

  41. Rule #42 //
    A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.

    If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture.

  42. Rule #43 //
    Don’t be a jackass.

    But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.

  43. Rule #44 //
    Position matters.

    In order to find the V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionizing the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.

  44. Rule #45 //
    Slam your stem.

    A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.

  45. Rule #46 //
    Keep your bars level.

    Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.  Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.

  46. Rule #47 //
    Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples.

    Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride trash talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on piss beer.

  47. Rule #48 //
    Saddles must be level and pushed back.

    The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44.)

  48. Rule #49 //
    Keep the rubber side down.

    It is completely unacceptable to intentionally turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult and your bidons will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars.23

  49. Rule #50 //
    Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.

    No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.

  50. Rule #51 //
    Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.

    While we hate cancer, isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead. Or you may well be a bogan.

  51. Rule #52 //
    Drink in Moderation.

    Bidons are to be small in size. 500ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.

  52. Rule #53 //
    Keep your kit clean and new.

    As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the crackal region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.

  53. Rule #54 //
    No aerobars on road bikes.

    Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrail.

  54. Rule #55 //
    Earn your turns.

    If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.

  55. Rule #56 //
    Espresso or macchiato only.

    When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.6

  56. Rule #57 //
    No stickers.

    Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war you’re against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI.  See Rule #5 and ride your bike. Decals, on the other hand, are not only permissible, but extremely Pro.

  57. Rule #58 //
    Support your local bike shop.

    Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.

  58. Rule #59 //
    Hold your line.

    Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. And, under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.

  59. Rule #60 //
    Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap.

    You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes to tubes and tires.

  60. Rule #61 //
    Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard.

    Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.7

  61. Rule #62 //
    You shall not ride with earphones.

    Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80’s hair band you call “music”.   See Rule #5 and ride your bike.8

  62. Rule #63 //
    Point in the direction you’re turning.

    Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.

  63. Rule #64 //
    Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.

    This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.

  64. Rule #65 //
    Maintain and respect your machine.

    Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post.  This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.10

  65. Rule #66 //
    No  mirrors.

    Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.

  66. Rule #67 //
    Do your time in the wind.

    Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.

  67. Rule #68 //
    Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.

    Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.7

  68. Rule #69 //
    Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.

    Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule #68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule #5.7

  69. Rule #70 //
    The purpose of competing is to win.

    End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule #5.11

  70. Rule #71 //
    Train Properly.

    Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.

  71. Rule #72 //
    Legs speak louder than words.

    Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.  Also see Rule #74.

  72. Rule #73 //
    Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.

    Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.

  73. Rule #74 //
    V Meters or small computers only.

    Forego the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. Learn to read your body, meditate on Rule #5, and learn to push yourself to your limit. Power meters, heart rate monitors and GPS are bulky, ugly and superfluous. Any cycle computer, if deemed necessary, should be simple, small, mounted on the stem and wireless.

  74. Rule #75 //
    Race numbers are for races.

    Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.

  75. Rule #76 //
    Helmets are to be hung from your stem.

    When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.

  76. Rule #77 //
    Respect the earth; don’t litter.

    Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.12

  77. Rule #78 //
    Remove unnecessary gear.

    When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.13

  78. Rule #79 //
    Fight for your town lines.

    Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.

  79. Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.15

  80. Rule #81 //
    Don’t talk it up.

    Rides and crashes may only be discussed and recounted in detail when the rider required external assistance in recovery or recuperation. Otherwise refer to Rule #5.

  81. Rule #82 //
    Close the gap.

    Whilst riding in cold and/or  Rule #9 conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm warmers. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in Five and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule #9 conditions. The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sad, sorry state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill in a Five and Dime situation. If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings. If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in. The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not forget to remove said leg warmers. 16

  82. Rule #83 //
    Be self-sufficient.

    Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself pursuant to Rule #31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be determined at the discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in accordance with Rule #84.17

  83. Rule #84 //
    Follow the Code.

    Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule #84 stop is entirely discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional to the duration of the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.17

  84. Rule #85 //
    Descend like a Pro.

    All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner. Also see Rule #64.18

  85. Rule #86 //
    Don’t half-wheel.

    Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.22

  86. Rule #87 //
    The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.

    The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck. You demonstrate, not with words but with actions, your commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for post-ride espresso. “On Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or half hour.

  87. Rule #88 //
    Don’t surge.

    When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, see Rule #67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If you are behind someone who jumps on the pedals when they hit the front do not reprimand the offender with cries of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender is a Frenchman named Serge.

  88. Rule #89 //
    Pronounce it Correctly.

    All races shall be referred to by the name given in its country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as well as possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name given in its region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to use either the Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall also be extended to apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees, and cycling accoutrements.

  89. Rule #90 //
    Never Get Out of the Big Ring.

    If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?” It is, of course, acceptable to momentarily shift into the inner ring when scaling the 20% ramps of the Kapelmuur.

  90. Rule #91 //
    No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.

    This one also comes from the Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This also applies to energy drink supplements.

  91. Rule #92 //
    No Sprinting From the Hoods

    The only exception is riders whose name starts with Guiseppe and ends with Saronni. See the Goodwood Worlds in 82.24

  92. Rule #93 //
    Descents are not for recovery. Recovery Ales are for Recovery

    Descents are meant to be as hard and demanding as – and much more dangerous than – the climbs. Climb hard, descend to close a gap or open one. Descents should hurt, not be a time for recovery. Recovery is designated only for the pub and for shit-talking.25

  93. Rule #94 //
    Use the correct tool for the job, and use the tool correctly.

    Bicycle maintenance is an art; tools are designed to serve specific purposes, and it is essential that the Velominatus learns to use each tool properly when working on their loyal machine.

  94. Rule #95 //
    Never lift your bike over your head.

    Under no circumstances is it acceptable to raise one’s machine above your head. The only exception is when placing it onto a car’s roof-rack.

Posts related to The Rules may be found here.

Submit your suggestions in the posts, or via email here.

1 Thanks to Geof for this submission.
2 Stijn Devolder on Rule #5, in defense of staying in Belgium when his teammates went off to train in sunny Spain: “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not dead; It hardens your character.”
3 It is possible for experts to mix these matching guidelines successfully without breaking The Rules.  This is a very risky undertaking and can yield unpredictable results.  Proceed carefully and, if in doubt, run your configuration by the Keepers for approval.
4 Famous quote by Greg LeMond, hardman and American Cycling legend. Greg Henderson quote courtesy of Neil. (Incidentally, it does not matter how fast you go, but you may never give up.)
5 Thanks to James for his sound input on modifying this submission from it’s original draft which read, “An exception to wearing a cap when not riding is: If you have a soigneur (you don’t) and he places the cap on your head after you’ve just won a mountain top finish or soloed into the velodrome (you haven’t).”
6 Thanks to Rob for this submission.
7 Thanks to Rob (different from Rob in 6) for this submission.
8 Thanks to Saul at Speedy Reedy for this submission.
9 Thanks to BarryRoubaix for the astute observation regarding Time Trial Bikes.
10Thanks to Souleur for the astute observation regarding the Principle of Silence.
11 Thanks to Charlie for this addition.
12 Thanks to Jarvis and Steampunk for their tidy ways.
13 Thanks to Cyclops for this sensibly aesthetic addition.
15 Thanks to SupermanSam via our friends at CyclingTipsBlog.
16 Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed and Reid Beloni for assistance in helping craft the language of this Rule.
17 Thanks to Karim for this most accurate contribution.
18 Thanks to SterlingMatt for this most accurate contribution.
21 There are variants of this story, including one which is more likely to be the actual way this story unfolded, which goes that Sean Kelly is met by his wife after a the ’84 Amstel Gold Race and they get in his Citroen AX: “Ah, Sean” says his beloved wife, “in your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” “You got the order wrong,” Kelly scowls, “the bike comes first.” Thanks to Oli Brooke-White for helping sort out the details of the story.
22 Thanks to David Ezzy for this excellent contribution and fantastic ride out to Kaupo and back.
23 Thanks to Donnie Bugno for this most accurate contribution.
24 Thanks to Robert Millar – yes the Robert Millar for filling this most glaring omission.
25 Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash for the submission.

  1. @Lisa

    Just want to say I don’t ride bikes.. However your Rules are awesome…I read all the way to #95. Especially like #5 and #22

    Well I wasn’t expecting that plot twist !

    Chapeau to you, and maybe it’s time you started riding. The spirit is willing, the flesh will HTFU.

  2. @Caroline

    Your #8 seems to me to be logically concomitant with Rule #5.

  3. @DeKerr

    @Caroline

    Your #8 seems to me to be logically concomitant with Rule #5.

    #8 and #9 also appear to compliment each other.  Maybe.

  4. @chris

    @KogaLover

    @Teocalli

    @KogaLover

    Is the tow-hitch mount an avoidance of Rule #25?

    And: with the bike on the tow hitch mount, I have to scratch off less insects upon arrival…

    We’re taking one of these on holiday with us this year. It’ll bugger up the fuel consumption but the plus side will not only mean less bugs but also more bikes for me and the velominippers and better security on the overnight stops on the way their and the way back. It’ll also mean all the camping gear can go in the trailer rather than the car.

    Good call. We used to have one that we used for skiing and had a generator and wax station inside it. In summer it had fork mounts on the wall so we could hang 10 bikes in there and also a bunkbed so we could sleep. It was wickedly rad.

  5. @frank

    I never knew that skiers follower Rule #33 as well…

  6. @frank

    I had thought abour fork mounts on the walls but the one we’re usomg this year is a mate’s so I’m going to put fork mounts on a sheet of ply on the floor. A palletised delivery system.

  7. The influence of the Velominati reaches far. I’ve had visitors from the Netherlands last week, who brought me a copy of “AD Magazine”, a weekly supplement to the Saturday issue of Algemeen Dagblad, the second-largest Dutch newspaper (more than 500,000 subscribers, which isn’t bad for a country of just over 16 million).

    Anyway, the Magazine suggested three books as ‘essential reading‘ for followers of the TdF in search of background information and in-depth knowledge to do with cycling. Guess which book they mentioned as the third on the list?

    Seriously. How cool is that?

  8. @frank

    Frank, the keepers are now officially world famous throughout the Netherlands, as can be seen from the image in my previous post). I’m duly in awe.

  9. @ErikdR

    The influence of the Velominati reaches far. I’ve had visitors from the Netherlands last week, who brought me a copy of “AD Magazine”, a weekly supplement to the Saturday issue of Algemeen Dagblad, the second-largest Dutch newspaper (more than 500,000 subscribers, which isn’t bad for a country of just over 16 million).

    Anyway, the Magazine suggested three books as ‘essential reading‘ for followers of the TdF in search of background information and in-depth knowledge to do with cycling. Guess which book they mentioned as the third on the list?

    Seriously. How cool is that?

    That is just too rad. I’m trying to get ahold of a few copies of the translation; I’ll send you one when I get them…it will be fun to see how they did. The translation of Rule #5 is growing on me, although it took me by surprise the first title I saw it…

  10. @frank

    Re the translation of Rule #5: same here. At first sight, I was like “Come on. Seriously?”, but I’ve started to appreciate that they’ve chosen to ‘transcreate’, rather than translate literally. Nice job – and I must admit that I’d have a hard time trying to translate HTFU, literally, to Dutch…

  11. @ErikdR

    Whoa, that’s sweet! Now for the Flandrien version… (or is that the same?!)

    @frank

    So, what is the translation for Regel 5?

  12. @brett

    @ErikdR

    Whoa, that’s sweet! Now for the Flandrien version… (or is that the same?!)

    @frank

    So, what is the translation for Regel 5?

    Google says it’s “Don’t complain, continue”.

    I’m thinking that there needs to be a translation of the Rules into Scots. “Get oan wi it ya fanny” has a certain ring to it…

  13. @brett

    @ErikdR

    Whoa, that’s sweet! Now for the Flandrien version… (or is that the same?!)

    @frank

    So, what is the translation for Regel 5?

    It’s FLEMISH and Flemish is the same as Dutch. You tool.

    @the Engine

    @brett

    @frank

    So, what is the translation for Regel 5?

    Google says it’s “Don’t complain, continue”.

    That is the literal translation and that’s precisely why translating is such an art and why I have such admiration for how The Rider was translated.

    The translation for Regel #5 would be, to give it the implied context, “Stop bitching, just keep going.”

    I’m thinking that there needs to be a translation of the Rules into Scots. “Get oan wi it ya fanny” has a certain ring to it…

    Or, “Rule #5 // You ate a Haggis once. Nothing can be worse than that.”

  14. @ErikdR

    @frank

    Re the translation of Rule #5: same here. At first sight, I was like “Come on. Seriously?”, but I’ve started to appreciate that they’ve chosen to ‘transcreate’, rather than translate literally. Nice job – and I must admit that I’d have a hard time trying to translate HTFU, literally, to Dutch…

    I would maybe have chosen “doorzetten” over “doorgaan” but maybe four vowels buys more credibility? Zeiken is one of those words, though, that I love most about Dutch and one that I struggle to translate. “Complain”, sure. But it’s much more than that – bitching, having a moan, being a little fuckwit. Flopping in soccer is the moral equivalent of zeiken.

  15. @ErikdR

    RaceFietsBlog has some nice photos and gives an idea of how they final product came out. So far so good! Nice review as well!

    Curious to understand why there is a yellow stripe on the cover, though. (Strangely, we were not involved in the production of the Dutch translation; I assume it missed everyone’s attention that I actually speak Dutch, or maybe the publisher to the Dutch team something to the effect of, ‘The guy is a total control freak, keep all these activities away from him so he doesn’t take over!’)

    http://racefietsblog.nl/leesvoer-de-regels-velominati-we-geven-er-3-weg/

  16. @frank , @brett, @the Engine

    sorry about the slow reply, and all that: currently on holiday (in Scotland) and trying to stay as far away from on-line activity (and possibly, related work), as I can.

    Frank; yes: that they managed to wedge “zeiken” into the equation is strong work, I think.

    Engine, your Scottish version sounds fantastic!

  17. @frank

    @brett

    @ErikdR

    Whoa, that’s sweet! Now for the Flandrien version… (or is that the same?!)

    @frank

    So, what is the translation for Regel 5?

    It’s FLEMISH and Flemish is the same as Dutch. You tool.

    @the Engine

    @brett

    @frank

    So, what is the translation for Regel 5?

    Google says it’s “Don’t complain, continue”.

    That is the literal translation and that’s precisely why translating is such an art and why I have such admiration for how The Rider was translated.

    The translation for Regel #5 would be, to give it the implied context, “Stop bitching, just keep going.”

    I’m thinking that there needs to be a translation of the Rules into Scots. “Get oan wi it ya fanny” has a certain ring to it…

    Or, “Rule #5 // You ate a Haggis once. Nothing can be worse than that.”

    Nothing worse than haggis? You have obviously eaten the wrong haggis. That’s like saying “nothing worse than drinking American beer.” Sure, some American (and Scottish) beers are pure pish, but some are wonderful. A big steaming plate of haggis, neeps and tatties is stupendous – washed down with a nice Scottish real ale. Could be perfect race food – carbs and protein all in one.

    Rule #5 in Glaswegian? “Dig in ya cunt.”

  18. @wiscot

    Or, in extremis “…ing, hooring,bastard”

    A very traditional haggis salad, NEVER served in Scotland

    Haggis is basically like an oaty, spicy mince and a great source of iron, fibre and carbohydrate with no artificial colours, flavourings or preservatives

    Macsweens vegetarian haggis awesome, even if it is suitable for vegans! vegetables, mushrooms, pulses, oats, onions and seeds. It is approved by the vegetarian society and is suitable for vegans

  19. @frank

    @ErikdR

    @frank

    Re the translation of Rule #5: same here. At first sight, I was like “Come on. Seriously?”, but I’ve started to appreciate that they’ve chosen to ‘transcreate’, rather than translate literally. Nice job – and I must admit that I’d have a hard time trying to translate HTFU, literally, to Dutch…

    I would maybe have chosen “doorzetten” over “doorgaan” but maybe four vowels buys more credibility? Zeiken is one of those words, though, that I love most about Dutch and one that I struggle to translate. “Complain”, sure. But it’s much more than that – bitching, having a moan, being a little fuckwit. Flopping in soccer is the moral equivalent of zeiken.

    I’d say that ‘whingeing’ (or should that be ‘whinging’?) might also be a candidate for the English translation of ‘zeiken’, perhaps?

  20. @frank

    And re ‘doorzetten’ instead of ‘doorgaan’. Hmmm, yes; good call. Some nice almost-allitteration going on there, and ‘doorzetten’ has more of a ‘Grind your teeth and your Big Ring’ sort of thing going for it. Nice one!

  21. @wiscot

    Our local pub does a smashing Haggis and Quails Egg Toastie. And a massive selection of ales to boot. Geet lush as the locals say!

  22. @VeloJello

    Turn on the subtitles, it’s even more hilarious. What The Fuck?

  23. @ped

    @VeloJello

    Turn on the subtitles, it’s even more hilarious. What The Fuck?

    I had no idea there were subtitles! Brill.

  24. @VeloJello

    @wiscot

    Our local pub does a smashing Haggis and Quails Egg Toastie. And a massive selection of ales to boot. Geet lush as the locals say!

    I had a couple of haggis toasties in Luss the other week. Unorthodox but lovely.

  25. Stag Do next month. Fancy Dress theme – Tour de France.

    Any suggestions?

  26. @RobSandy

    Stag Do next month. Fancy Dress theme – Tour de France.

    Any suggestions?

    Well as you can’t wear any of the jerseys it leaves this ……..

  27. @Teocalli

    Not a bad idea. Lycra was part of the instruction (and obviously I look awesome in lycra) so I was going to exempt myself from the Rules on this one. I almost bought a retro Peugot jersey but was just outbid on ebay.

    I was going to lie on the floor and pretend to be Tommy Simpson. Bad taste?

  28. @RobSandy

    @Teocalli

    Not a bad idea. Lycra was part of the instruction (and obviously I look awesome in lycra) so I was going to exempt myself from the Rules on this one. I almost bought a retro Peugot jersey but was just outbid on ebay.

    I was going to lie on the floor and pretend to be Tommy Simpson. Bad taste?

    As long as you avoid the mankini look……………….

  29. @RobSandy

    Stag Do next month. Fancy Dress theme – Tour de France.

    Any suggestions?

    Pick up some USPS gear on ebay and be a total COTHO to everyone. “Hi, my name’s Lance. Can you lend me $10 to pay my lawyers?”

  30. @wiscot

    @RobSandy

    Stag Do next month. Fancy Dress theme – Tour de France.

    Any suggestions?

    Pick up some USPS gear on ebay and be a total COTHO to everyone. “Hi, my name’s Lance. Can you lend me $10 to pay my lawyers?”

    I also thought about something like that. I wouldn’t even have to dress up, I could just keep repeating ‘I’m a cunt’ and everyone would know I was being Lance Armstrong.

  31. @RobSandy

    @Teocalli

    Not a bad idea. Lycra was part of the instruction (and obviously I look awesome in lycra) so I was going to exempt myself from the Rules on this one. I almost bought a retro Peugot jersey but was just outbid on ebay.

    I was going to lie on the floor and pretend to be Tommy Simpson. Bad taste?

    How much were you going to pay.  See below – you could get something decent to wear afterwards.  (I was talking leader’s jerseys – vintage team replica are a mark of respect.  Particularly if associated with a period bike).

    http://www.prendas.co.uk/cycle-clothing/jerseys/short-sleeve-jerseys.html

  32. @Teocalli

    The one I was watching went for £20.

    I might just get a plain yellow jersey, or green. Lots of options then. Could get a long blonde wig and some glasses and be Fignon. No normal people would have a clue what I was being but I’m not sure that’s the point.

    I’ve been on prendas before and coveted.

  33. @chris

    @frank

    I never knew that skiers follower Rule #33 as well…

    Chris, as a skier who took up cycling again to improve the leg muscles (and now likes cycling more than skiing), I can assure you that even if you do not shave your guns when skiing, your shins will become smooth from the constant rubbing against the front of your skiboot. So unless you are fine with having hairy legs with bare shins, you’d better shave them.

  34. @ErikdR

    Hi Erik, I am currently in the Netherlands, so when I was at the bookshop looking for some cycling books, I stumbled upon the Dutch translation of the Rules. I made pics of the book with my mobile phone and wanted to post them online, but loading pics from a mobile to this site was taking too much time away from watching the TdF.

    Of course I had to buy the book, I think it was only out for 3 days, but I must admit that nothing beats the original. My shoes hurt from my toes curling up when I read some of the translations. I agree that translating Rule #5 is a massive challenge, but take fi Rule #7: tan lines is translated with “zonafscheidingen” while every Dutch cyclist would know that these are called “streepjes”. “Zonafscheiding” for me refers to sunshade. I hav not yet started to read the book, I just want to have it.

  35. @brett

    @ErikdR

    Whoa, that’s sweet! Now for the Flandrien version… (or is that the same?!)

    @frank

    So, what is the translation for Regel 5?

    Find out for yourself:

    Note: “guns” has been translated into “wapens” which is like weapons. The guns of Navarone in Dutch would translate into “de kanonnen van Navarone”, so “kanonnen” (canons) instead of “wapens” (weapons) would make more sense.

    Frank, for the next version, you, Erik and me should reread and edit it. And let’s ask Laurens ten Dam to write the intro, or Tim Krabbe.

  36. Violations Observed:

    1st Deg:  Rule #77 Violation // Respect the Earth; Don’t Litter

    2nd Deg:  Rules #43 Don’t Be a Jackass & #91 No Food on Training Rides Under Four Hours

    Refer for Investigation:  Rules #51 (Livestrong wristbands) & 62 (earphones)

    Fellow Velominati:  I take this opportunity to report a violation of Rule #77 I observed on Saturday, 25 July 2015 at the transition of Featherbed Lane to Oak Ridge Road in Clark NJ, adjacent to Oak Ridge Park, 64.5 km into my 73 km training ride. It is a slight right hand bend (approx 20 deg) partially obscured by overgrowth. I was traveling within the shoulder approx. 1/3 meter to the right of the white line at approx. 34 kph on -1% grade.  While bearing down on the pedals I observed a fresh banana peel, yellow side up, on the pavement in front of me.  Fortunately I was able to adjust my line just in time to miss the obstruction.  Based on the circumstances, I presume that the peel was dropped by a “bike rider” (not cyclist) because runners don’t run with bananas and eat during their run and a running track was within the park adjacent to the roadway.

    Whilst a banana peel is the ultimate biodegradable material and can be considered “green,” it has no place on the road shoulder where cyclists often train.  It could easily have been tucked into a rear pocket or tossed into the bush that was obscuring the roadway.  As someone who has personally slipped and fell on a banana peel left on a NYC sidewalk, I know the danger it presents.  If I had hit the peel, I would have slipped and fallen at speed into the lane of travel and possibly been struck by a car or, worse, damaging my steed or my kit.

    Littering, a Rule #77 violation, exemplifies not only disregard of the Rules and of Mother Earth, but disregard of fellow Man and disrespect for oneself.  There is no excuse for it and, clearly, the act of a Jackass (Rule #43).  Had the offender complied with Rule #91 there would have been no problem.  I infer from the flagrancy of the Rule #77 violation that the offender was less than serious about this discipline and needed feeding every 15-30 minutes.  Due to the aggravating circumstances, I also infer that the offender may have been ridding with earbuds in place (Rule #62) oblivious to their surroundings and fellow man and blaring “Highway to the Danger Zone” whilst wearing a Livestrong cockring (Rule #51), hence warranting further investigation.

    Affiant sayeth further naught.

    @tmgrasso

  37. @KogaLover

    @ErikdR

    Hi Erik, I am currently in the Netherlands, so when I was at the bookshop looking for some cycling books, I stumbled upon the Dutch translation of the Rules. I made pics of the book with my mobile phone and wanted to post them online, but loading pics from a mobile to this site was taking too much time away from watching the TdF.

    Of course I had to buy the book, I think it was only out for 3 days, but I must admit that nothing beats the original. My shoes hurt from my toes curling up when I read some of the translations. I agree that translating Rule #5 is a massive challenge, but take fi Rule #7: tan lines is translated with “zonafscheidingen” while every Dutch cyclist would know that these are called “streepjes”. “Zonafscheiding” for me refers to sunshade. I hav not yet started to read the book, I just want to have it.

    Hi KL; say hello to my countrymen and -women from me! Where in NL are you, exactly?

    I’m currently in Scotland on holiday (Edinburgh area) for the next couple of days.

    Re Your suggestion for an online editing session of ‘de Regels’, involving you, the Merry Frankster and yours truly: sounds like a plan.

  38. @tmgrasso

    Thank you sir, that was an entertaining report from the field.

  39. @KogaLover

    Regel #43 // Hang niet de eikel uit!

  40. @tmgrasso

    Any serious student of slapstick knows the banana peel gag is inherently hilarious, so at least the offender is a funny jackass.

  41. @frank

    @KogaLover

    Regel #43 // Hang niet de eikel uit!

    Heehee… That’s a great translation, in my humble opinion. Just the right balance between avuncular condescension and silliness. Excellent stuff!

  42. @ErikdR

    @KogaLover

    @ErikdR

    Hi Erik, I am currently in the Netherlands, so when I was at the bookshop looking for some cycling books, I stumbled upon the Dutch translation of the Rules. I made pics of the book with my mobile phone and wanted to post them online, but loading pics from a mobile to this site was taking too much time away from watching the TdF.

    Of course I had to buy the book, I think it was only out for 3 days, but I must admit that nothing beats the original. My shoes hurt from my toes curling up when I read some of the translations. I agree that translating Rule #5 is a massive challenge, but take fi Rule #7: tan lines is translated with “zonafscheidingen” while every Dutch cyclist would know that these are called “streepjes”. “Zonafscheiding” for me refers to sunshade. I hav not yet started to read the book, I just want to have it.

    Hi KL; say hello to my countrymen and -women from me! Where in NL are you, exactly?

    I’m currently in Scotland on holiday (Edinburgh area) for the next couple of days.

    Re Your suggestion for an online editing session of ‘de Regels’, involving you, the Merry Frankster and yours truly: sounds like a plan.

    Are you on holiday in Scotland with your bike?

  43. @ErikdR

    I sent you a private note before I went on hols asking you if we could meet up for a ride when I was over, depending on where you live in NLs, but never got a reply from you. Maybe you never saw it and it got lost in the e-dungeons of Mount Velomis… Flew back yesterday, the bike returned today. I stayed somewhere between Amsterdam and Utrecht. And if you meet up with the Engine, make sure you stay on the left side of the road! Good luck beating off the wee beasties called midges.

  44. @ErikdR

    @frank

    And re ‘doorzetten’ instead of ‘doorgaan’. Hmmm, yes; good call. Some nice almost-allitteration going on there, and ‘doorzetten’ has more of a ‘Grind your teeth and your Big Ring’ sort of thing going for it. Nice one!

    Really grinding teeth would be “doorbijten”.

  45. @the Engine

    Morning sir Engine! Re bicycle: afraid not; travelling around (by bus) with a group of friends who are almost all non-cyclists.

    I’ll be flying back to Denmark tomorrow (friday) around noon. Are you in or near the Edinburgh area? Would be nice if we could meet over a pint – but if not, I certainly expect to return here within the near future. And next time, I’ll bring the bike.

  46. @KogaLover

    @ErikdR

    I sent you a private note before I went on hols asking you if we could meet up for a ride when I was over, depending on where you live in NLs, but never got a reply from you. Maybe you never saw it and it got lost in the e-dungeons of Mount Velomis… Flew back yesterday, the bike returned today. I stayed somewhere between Amsterdam and Utrecht. And if you meet up with the Engine, make sure you stay on the left side of the road! Good luck beating off the wee beasties called midges.

    Hi @KogaLover, sorry about that: internet access has been limited these last days and I’ve only been logging in on the Velominati website every other day or so. For the record: I live in Denmark, in a town called Kolding in Jutland, about 90 km. north of the German-Danish border. ( I do visit the Netherlands 4-5 times every gear, though, for drunken debauchery among my kinsmen and -women…)

  47. @KogaLover

    @ErikdR

    @frank

    And re ‘doorzetten’ instead of ‘doorgaan’. Hmmm, yes; good call. Some nice almost-allitteration going on there, and ‘doorzetten’ has more of a ‘Grind your teeth and your Big Ring’ sort of thing going for it. Nice one!

    Really grinding teeth would be “doorbijten”.

    Ha! Yes, that’ a nice option as well. I just rather liked he ‘Sound’ of the Z-Z-combo in “Niet zeiken; doorzetten”. Has a nice ring to it, methinks,

  48. @ErikdR

    @the Engine

    Morning sir Engine! Re bicycle: afraid not; travelling around (by bus) with a group of friends who are almost all non-cyclists.

    I’ll be flying back to Denmark tomorrow (friday) around noon. Are you in or near the Edinburgh area? Would be nice if we could meet over a pint – but if not, I certainly expect to return here within the near future. And next time, I’ll bring the bike.

    In the normal course of events I’d be over to Edinburgh tonight with a spare bike and some drinking trousers for later. However, today is the Littlest Engine’s birthday and curry in Callander awaits. Next time.

  49. @the Engine

    @ErikdR

    @the Engine

    Morning sir Engine! Re bicycle: afraid not; travelling around (by bus) with a group of friends who are almost all non-cyclists.

    I’ll be flying back to Denmark tomorrow (friday) around noon. Are you in or near the Edinburgh area? Would be nice if we could meet over a pint – but if not, I certainly expect to return here within the near future. And next time, I’ll bring the bike.

    In the normal course of events I’d be over to Edinburgh tonight with a spare bike and some drinking trousers for later. However, today is the Littlest Engine’s birthday and curry in Callander awaits. Next time.

    Hi again! Tanks for the kind thought and many congrats to the wee yin. Enjoy the birthday party and curry tonight. (Our group will be at an Indian restaurant later this evening, as well)

    Like you say: better luck next time. And if you ever should be on the lookout for some very nice cycling routes in (western) Denmark, be sure to let me know. Cheers for now.

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