The Prophet (Merckx) and the Apostle (De Vlaeminck) forge the foundation of The Rules.

The Prophet (Merckx) and the Apostle (De Vlaeminck) forge the foundation of The Rules.

The Rules

by / / 11357 posts

We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.

The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.

See also The Prophet’s Prayer.

For those struggling to understand exactly what it means to be a Rule Holist and embrace all these Rules, please review the following material:

Presenting: Obey The Rules (Welly White Boy Edit) by GangstaPhant featuring BrettOK and Newz.

Download: Obey the Rules

  1. Rule #1

    // Obey The Rules.
  2. Rule #2
    // Lead by example.

    It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.1

  3. Rule #3
    // Guide the uninitiated.

    No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.

  4. Rule #4
    // It’s all about the bike.

    It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.

  5. Rule #6
    // Free your mind and your legs will follow.

    Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike.  Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.

  6. Rule #7
    // Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.

    Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.

  7. Rule #8
    // Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched.3

    Valid options are:

    • Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
    • Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
    • Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
    • Black, black, black
  8. Rule #9
    // If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.

    Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.

  9. Rule #10
    // It never gets easier, you just go faster.

    As this famous quote by Greg LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.4

  10. Rule #11
    // Family does not come first. The bike does.

    Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”21

  11. Rule #12
    // The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.

    While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.

  12. Rule #
    13
    // If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.

    Paradoxically, the same mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.

  13. Rule #14
    // Shorts should be black.

    Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.

  14. Rule #15
    // Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys.

    Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you will look like a douche.

  15. Rule #16
    // Respect the jersey.

    Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.

  16. Rule #17
    // Team kit is for members of the team.

    Wearing Pro team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.  If you must fly the colors of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.

  17. Rule #18
    // Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.

    No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike (unless racing XC). Skin suits only for cyclocross.

  18. Rule #19
    // Introduce Yourself.

    If you deem it appropriate to join a group of riders who are not part of an open group ride and who are not your mates, it is customary and courteous to announce your presence. Introduce yourself and ask if you may join the group. If you have been passed by a group, wait for an invitation, introduce yourself, or let them go. The silent joiner is viewed as ill-mannered and Anti-V. Conversely, the joiner who can’t shut their cakehole is no better and should be dropped from the group at first opportunity.

  19. Rule #20
    // There are only three remedies for pain.

    These are:

    • If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves, or
    • If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads, or
    • If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on  Rule #5 and train more!
  20. Rule #21
    // Cold weather gear is for cold weather.

    Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, save your Flandrian Best for Flemish weather.

  21. Rule #22
    // Cycling caps are for cycling.

    Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping.  Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).   Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable après-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag. 5

  22. Rule #23
    // Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.

    You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block. Tucking prematurely while descending is the antithesis of Casually Deliberate. For more on riding fast downhill see Rule #64 and Rule #85.

  23. Rule #24
    // Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers.

    This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.

  24. Rule #25
    // The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car.

    Or at least be relatively more expensive.  Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean said.

  25. Rule #26
    // Make your bike photogenic.

    When photographing your bike, gussy her up properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6 o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion, though the accepted practices include putting the chain on the big dog, and no bidons in the cages.

  26. Rule #27
    // Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.

    Not too long and not too short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.

  27. Rule #28
    // Socks can be any damn colour you like.

    White is old school cool. Black is cool too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long.  If you feel you must go colored, make sure they damn well match your kit. Tip: DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.

  28. Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

  29. Rule #30
    // No frame-mounted pumps.

    Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets (See Rule #31). The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.

  30. Rule #31
    // Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.

    If absolutely necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike. Or, use one of these.

  31. Rule #32
    // Humps are for camels: no hydration packs.

    Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For MTB, they are cool.

  32. Rule #33
    // Shave your guns.

    Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth.

  33. Rule #34
    // Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.

    On a mountain bike.

  34. Rule #35
    // No visors on the road.

    Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. If you want shade, see Rule #22.

  35. Rule #36
    // Eyewear shall be cycling specific.

    No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.

  36. Rule #37
    // The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.

    No exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s just the way it is.

  37. Rule #38
    // Don’t Play Leap Frog.

    Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times) because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.

  38. Rule #39
    // Never ride without your eyewear.

    You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet.  If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 31).

  39. Rule #40
    // Tires are to be mounted with the label centered over the valve stem.

    Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.

  40. Rule #41
    // Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.

    Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.9

  41. Rule #42
    // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.

    If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture.

  42. Rule #43
    // Don’t be a jackass.

    But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.

  43. Rule #44
    // Position matters.

    In order to find the V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception to this is if you’re revolutionizing the sport, in which case you must also be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.

  44. Rule #45
    // Slam your stem.

    A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.

  45. Rule #46
    // Keep your bars level.

    Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.  Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.

  46. Rule #47
    // Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples.

    Cycling and beer are so intertwined we may never understand the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an elixir for post-ride trash talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on piss beer.

  47. Rule #48
    // Saddles must be level and pushed back.

    The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44.)

  48. Rule #49
    // Keep the rubber side down.

    It is completely unacceptable to intentionally turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult and your bidons will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars.23

  49. Rule #50
    // Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.

    No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.

  50. Rule #51
    // Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.

    While we hate cancer, isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead. Or you may well be a bogan.

  51. Rule #52
    // Drink in Moderation.

    Bidons are to be small in size. 500ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.

  52. Rule #53
    // Keep your kit clean and new.

    As a courtesy to those around you, your kit should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the crackal region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.

  53. Rule #54
    // No aerobars on road bikes.

    Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrail.

  54. Rule #55
    // Earn your turns.

    If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.

  55. Rule #56
    // Espresso or macchiato only.

    When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.6

  56. Rule #57
    // No stickers.

    Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war you’re against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI.  See Rule #5 and ride your bike. Decals, on the other hand, are not only permissible, but extremely Pro.

  57. Rule #58
    // Support your local bike shop.

    Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. If you do purchase parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.

  58. Rule #59
    // Hold your line.

    Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. And, under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.

  59. Rule #60
    // Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap.

    You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes to tubes and tires.

  60. Rule #61
    // Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard.

    Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.7

  61. Rule #62
    // You shall not ride with earphones.

    Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80’s hair band you call “music”.   See Rule #5 and ride your bike.8

  62. Rule #63
    // Point in the direction you’re turning.

    Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.

  63. Rule #64
    // Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.

    This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.

  64. Rule #65
    // Maintain and respect your machine.

    Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post.  This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.10

  65. Rule #66
    // No  mirrors.

    Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.

  66. Rule #67
    // Do your time in the wind.

    Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.

  67. Rule #68
    // Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.

    Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.7

  68. Rule #69
    // Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.

    Any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule #68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule #5.7

  69. Rule #70
    // The purpose of competing is to win.

    End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule #5.11

  70. Rule #71
    // Train Properly.

    Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.

  71. Rule #72
    // Legs speak louder than words.

    Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.  Also see Rule #74.

  72. Rule #73
    // Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.

    Cables should create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.

  73. Rule #74
    // V Meters or small computers only.

    Forego the data and ride on feel; little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow. Learn to read your body, meditate on Rule #5, and learn to push yourself to your limit. Power meters, heart rate monitors and GPS are bulky, ugly and superfluous. Any cycle computer, if deemed necessary, should be simple, small, mounted on the stem and wireless.

  74. Rule #75
    // Race numbers are for races.

    Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.

  75. Rule #76
    // Helmets are to be hung from your stem.

    When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.

  76. Rule #77
    // Respect the earth; don’t litter.

    Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.12

  77. Rule #78
    // Remove unnecessary gear.

    When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.13

  78. Rule #79
    // Fight for your town lines.

    Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.

  79. Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.15

  80. Rule #81
    // Don’t talk it up.

    Rides and crashes may only be discussed and recounted in detail when the rider required external assistance in recovery or recuperation. Otherwise refer to Rule #5.

  81. Rule #82
    // Close the gap.

    Whilst riding in cold and/or  Rule #9 conditions replete with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm warmers. If this occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in Five and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule #9 conditions. The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sad, sorry state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to the wrists while going uphill in a Five and Dime situation. If the weather changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before the arm coverings. If that means that said rider must take off his knee or leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in. The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not forget to remove said leg warmers. 16

  82. Rule #83
    // Be self-sufficient.

    Unless you are followed by a team car, you will repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself pursuant to Rule #31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be determined at the discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in accordance with Rule #84.17

  83. Rule #84
    // Follow the Code.

    Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule #84 stop is entirely discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional to the duration of the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.17

  84. Rule #85
    // Descend like a Pro.

    All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner. Also see Rule #64.18

  85. Rule #86
    // Don’t half-wheel.

    Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.22

  86. Rule #87
    // The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.

    The upside of always leaving on time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you should muck. You demonstrate, not with words but with actions, your commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for post-ride espresso. “On Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or half hour.

  87. Rule #88
    // Don’t surge.

    When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind, see Rule #67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If you are behind someone who jumps on the pedals when they hit the front do not reprimand the offender with cries of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender is a Frenchman named Serge.

  88. Rule #89
    // Pronounce it Correctly.

    All races shall be referred to by the name given in its country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as well as possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name given in its region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to use either the Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall also be extended to apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees, and cycling accoutrements.

  89. Rule #90
    // Never Get Out of the Big Ring.

    If it gets steeper, just push harder on the pedals. When pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?” It is, of course, acceptable to momentarily shift into the inner ring when scaling the 20% ramps of the Kapelmuur.

  90. Rule #91
    // No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.

    This one also comes from the Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes, when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer. The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before you get hungry. This also applies to energy drink supplements.

  91. Rule #92
    // No Sprinting From the Hoods

    The only exception is riders whose name starts with Guiseppe and ends with Saronni. See the Goodwood Worlds in 82.24

  92. Rule #93
    // Descents are not for recovery. Recovery Ales are for Recovery

    Descents are meant to be as hard and demanding as – and much more dangerous than – the climbs. Climb hard, descend to close a gap or open one. Descents should hurt, not be a time for recovery. Recovery is designated only for the pub and for shit-talking.25

  93. Rule #94
    // Use the correct tool for the job, and use the tool correctly.

    Bicycle maintenance is an art; tools are designed to serve specific purposes, and it is essential that the Velominatus learns to use each tool properly when working on their loyal machine.

  94. Rule #95
    // Never lift your bike over your head.

    Under no circumstances is it acceptable to raise one’s machine above your head. The only exception is when placing it onto a car’s roof-rack.

Posts related to The Rules may be found here.1 Thanks to Geof for this submission.2 Stijn Devolder on Rule #5, in defense of staying in Belgium when his teammates went off to train in sunny Spain: “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not dead; It hardens your character.”3 It is possible for experts to mix these matching guidelines successfully without breaking The Rules.  This is a very risky undertaking and can yield unpredictable results.  Proceed carefully and, if in doubt, run your configuration by the Keepers for approval.4 Famous quote by Greg LeMond, hardman and American Cycling legend. Greg Henderson quote courtesy of Neil. (Incidentally, it does not matter how fast you go, but you may never give up.)5 Thanks to James for his sound input on modifying this submission from it’s original draft which read, “An exception to wearing a cap when not riding is: If you have a soigneur (you don’t) and he places the cap on your head after you’ve just won a mountain top finish or soloed into the velodrome (you haven’t).”6 Thanks to Rob for this submission.7 Thanks to Rob (different from Rob in 6) for this submission.8 Thanks to Saul at Speedy Reedy for this submission.9 Thanks to BarryRoubaix for the astute observation regarding Time Trial Bikes.10Thanks to Souleur for the astute observation regarding the Principle of Silence.11 Thanks to Charlie for this addition.12 Thanks to Jarvis and Steampunk for their tidy ways.13 Thanks to Cyclops for this sensibly aesthetic addition.15 Thanks to SupermanSam via our friends at CyclingTipsBlog.16 Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed and Reid Beloni for assistance in helping craft the language of this Rule.17 Thanks to Karim for this most accurate contribution.18 Thanks to SterlingMatt for this most accurate contribution.21 There are variants of this story, including one which is more likely to be the actual way this story unfolded, which goes that Sean Kelly is met by his wife after a the ’84 Amstel Gold Race and they get in his Citroen AX: “Ah, Sean” says his beloved wife, “in your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” “You got the order wrong,” Kelly scowls, “the bike comes first.” Thanks to Oli Brooke-White for helping sort out the details of the story.22 Thanks to David Ezzy for this excellent contribution and fantastic ride out to Kaupo and back.23 Thanks to Donnie Bugno for this most accurate contribution.24 Thanks to Robert Millar – yes the Robert Millar for filling this most glaring omission.25 Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash for the submission. Submit your suggestions in the posts, or via email here.

  1. @Cyclops

    A girl at work today was stressing as to whether or not she should cancel the womans only ride tonight since the forecast was for thunderstorms.  I said “Rule 9, Steph.”  She looked at me and said nothing.  So I asked her if she knew what Rule #9 was and she said (verbatim) “If you’re riding in bad weather you’re badass. Period.”

    Sounds like a great girl to have around the office. The question remains unanswered though: did the ride go ahead?

  2. @RobSandy

    Please tell me this guy did it on a dare… for money. Even then it’s hardly excusable.

    I do like that the top left of the photo says “TriHard”

  3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhhLUA7kG5A

    Bike Radar – claiming Rule #37 is a myth. I’m pretty sure each of the pros they depicted contravening the rule in question were visited by the Assos ninja on the days of the photographs.

  4. this is the most pretentious thing i have ever read. just fucking get on the bike and ride.

  5. @RobSandy

    This is worth a read, and offers insight into Rule #33.

    http://www.cyclingweekly.co.uk/news/latest-news/common-sense-rules-for-modern-road-riding-158063

    Whatever excuse you come up with for shaving your legs, one question has always been uppermost in our minds: does it aid aerodynamics?

    Wind tunnel research in 2014 by bike firm Specialized seems to have finally answered that one for us. Through its testing, using the same riders in the same riding positions on the same bikes, it found a maximum saving of 82 seconds over 40km, simply by taking a razor to the subjects’ legs.

    Shit. I’ve been anti Rule #33 and an unrepentant hairball. But I’m also getting into time trials…could knock 20-30 seconds of a 10 miler. Bugger.

    I cant see this in any previous postings, but a quick scar survey tells me that the ratio of cycling related injuries is 3/2, when comparing arms with legs. *if* one of the reasons for shaving is to minimise the post-injury band aid removal, why don’t we shave our arms as well?

  6. @markb

    I’ve got a mate who’s stated excuse for shaving his chest was ‘to be more streamlined while cycling’. Make of that what you will.

    Same guy also cycled from Cardiff to Bangor (300kms) in a day after a dare was made in the pub one night.

  7. Ciao,

    I’m the webmaster of an Italian minor blog and I’d like to publish the Italian translation of The Rules (with the clear evidence of the source and the author, giving to you the preview and the full Italian translation or doing everything you’ll think is appropriate).

    Off course I’ll wait for your authorization, to publish anything.

    Many thanks for your brilliant blog that is a constant source of inspiration for all  Italian cyclists,
    Best regards
    Marco

    p.s. my direct email is big[at]aol.it

  8. Just saw this pop up on my feed. Nice to see two of my great brands working together. Gotta love the Orange paper.

    Mine is already on the way.

    http://rouleur.cc/shop/rouleur-products/rules?cur=GBP

  9. I suggest you read the new Rule #75 # 2 New rule approved by Stefano Faggian # 75 # 2 // Finally with the racing bike becomes even more beautiful more aggressive thanks to the support plate number 1 , we know the competition numbers are for the races . But in case you have already with 20 KOM ‘s or to hunt ? then completes the Challenge up to over 20 KOM ‘s . After 20 KOM ‘s you can buy xxx , not REMOVE next round workout or during CHALLENGES . Xxx link to buy the license plate The Targa it made ​​you to build thin white plastic 9.5 cm x 11 cm : the number 1 , written on Strava – KOM ‘s under number 1 and put down the age and YRS OLD.

  10. @STEFANO FAGGIAN

    I suggest you read the new Rule #75 # 2 New rule approved by Stefano Faggian # 75 # 2 // Finally with the racing bike becomes even more beautiful more aggressive thanks to the support plate number 1 , we know the competition numbers are for the races . But in case you have already with 20 KOM ‘s or to hunt ? then completes the Challenge up to over 20 KOM ‘s . After 20 KOM ‘s you can buy xxx , not REMOVE next round workout or during CHALLENGES . Xxx link to buy the license plate The Targa it made ​​you to build thin white plastic 9.5 cm x 11 cm : the number 1 , written on Strava – KOM ‘s under number 1 and put down the age and YRS OLD.

    What the fuck was that?

  11. @KW

    @STEFANO FAGGIAN

    I suggest you read the new Rule #75 # 2 New rule approved by Stefano Faggian # 75 # 2 // Finally with the racing bike becomes even more beautiful more aggressive thanks to the support plate number 1 , we know the competition numbers are for the races . But in case you have already with 20 KOM ‘s or to hunt ? then completes the Challenge up to over 20 KOM ‘s . After 20 KOM ‘s you can buy xxx , not REMOVE next round workout or during CHALLENGES . Xxx link to buy the license plate The Targa it made ​​you to build thin white plastic 9.5 cm x 11 cm : the number 1 , written on Strava – KOM ‘s under number 1 and put down the age and YRS OLD.

    What the fuck was that?

    a space/time continuum fault is my best guess.

  12. @RobSandy

    @markb

    I’ve got a mate who’s stated excuse for shaving his chest was ‘to be more streamlined while cycling’. Make of that what you will.

    Same guy also cycled from Cardiff to Bangor (300kms) in a day after a dare was made in the pub one night.

    Well, I’ve heard of the naked rambler, why not the naked nutter from Cardiff?

  13. Re: Rule #17: how about Cycling jerseys in memory of a band’s last gig? As to the cycling link, one of them Fruit Bat,is also member of a band called Abdoujaparov, named after pro cyclist Djamolidine Abdoujaparov.

  14. Alex Malone (editor of the Australian version of Cyclist Magazine) gave a lesson in Rule #9 during this week’s torrential Sydney storms…

  15. @markb

    His name is Fruit Bat? Best name ever.

    Fuck it, I don’t believe Fignon ever rode for a team called Carter-The unstoppable sex machine, so it’s a big go get ’em.

  16. @markb

    @RobSandy

    @markb

    I’ve got a mate who’s stated excuse for shaving his chest was ‘to be more streamlined while cycling’. Make of that what you will.

    Same guy also cycled from Cardiff to Bangor (300kms) in a day after a dare was made in the pub one night.

    Well, I’ve heard of the naked rambler, why not the naked nutter from Cardiff?

    He didn’t ride naked. So he was shaved under his clothes. Yes, figure that out.

  17. I am aware and in support of the Masturbation Principle, but I feel I have to get this off my chest.

    I have been using an EPMS.

    It was strapped to my beloved Nr #1 this morning.

    I have mitigating and I believe, justifying circumstances; by using a saddle bag I can fit in proper rides on my way to and from work, by ditching my laptop, etc, in my locker at work overnight. I then need to get my essentials home and back (wallet, phone, keys, jacket). I can’t quite fit this stuff in my jersey pockets, and the deal breaker is that I slip a pair of baggy shorts over my bibs to leave/enter the office as I don’t believe my (relatively new) colleagues are ready yet for the sight of my lycra clad Guns and arse.

    I then whip them off when I’m out of sight of the office and stash them in a pocket or in said EPMS. It has made me more determined than I was not to use one in any other circumstances as I fucking hate the think. It feels shit, looks shit, makes me unhappy, but I think what it facilitates in this scenario is just about worthwhile.

    I am sorry.

  18. @RobSandy

    You’ve got an EPMS that can fit you spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch as well as your baggy mtb shorts (another rule infraction BTW, Rule #18, given that they’re for hiding the true nature of your love of cycling), it must be bloody huge?!

    I’m sure that excessive size isn’t a mitigating factor for EPMSs. In fact didn’t Butch’s dad hide his watch where the sun doesn’t shine in order to avoid riding with an EPMS?

  19. @Mikael Liddy

    @ChrisO nah, Bendigo & Adelaide Bank. The Seight/SRAM branding was because she rode the Nats as an individual & they sponsor her MTB racing. She’s based out of Bendigo when she’s here in Aus, so the bank have got on board as a bit of a toe dip in to individual sport sponsorship.

    In other news, seems the bedtime stories from “The Rules” are having the intended effect, little fella came out to the kitchen with this while I was cooking last night.

    “The intended effect” being to put the little rascal to sleep? Not the highest praise of a book but we’ll take it!

  20. Not sure if this is the proper place for a suggestion, but there it goes anyway…

    Rule: If, for some strange reason, you feel like singing while grinding out one of those strenous HC climbs, you may do so if – and only if –  you do it to the melody of “Frère Jacques” while singing the proper lyrics to the rythm of your pedalling:

    Sur la plaque… Sur la plaque

    Nous allons… Nous allons…

    Grimper la montagne… Grimper la montagne…

    Sans pousser… Sans pousser…

    Only thus shall you be excused of making such poor effort as to manage singing while you grind out a climb. Next time think twice, shut up and lower your time.

  21. @frank

    well the effect I was going for was to instill the V from an early age, rather than some namby pamby stuff that finishes in “happily ever after”. Never too early to apply Rule #2 & Rule #3

  22. @markb

    Fantastic!

    @RobSandy

    you should be sorry, no excuses.

    @Alessandro

    c’est bon!

  23. Loving your work chaps but assuming the ‘Don’t adjust yourself or your shorts in public’ is a given and therefore unwritten rule, there is only one omission from The Rules that I can think of.

    The Lift and Separate Rule.

    Should a rider feel the use of a Sports Bra necessary, the ‘Squish and Squash’ type should never employed;  sweaty and inevitably chaffed cleavage is neither pleasant nor aesthetic and a pendulous Uniboob swinging from side to side like a giant udder is unacceptable and leads to poor balance in the saddle.  The ‘Lift and Separate’ variety is the only option.

  24. I’ll just leave this here:

    You don’t have to look good to ride a bike fast, but it helps. From skinsuits to compression socks, Tinkoff-Saxo rider Chris Juul-Jensen on style secrets of the peloton

  25. @RobSandy

    I am aware and in support of the Masturbation Principle, but I feel I have to get this off my chest.

    I have been using an EPMS.

    It was strapped to my beloved Nr #1 this morning.

    I have mitigating and I believe, justifying circumstances; by using a saddle bag I can fit in proper rides on my way to and from work, by ditching my laptop, etc, in my locker at work overnight. I then need to get my essentials home and back (wallet, phone, keys, jacket). I can’t quite fit this stuff in my jersey pockets, and the deal breaker is that I slip a pair of baggy shorts over my bibs to leave/enter the office as I don’t believe my (relatively new) colleagues are ready yet for the sight of my lycra clad Guns and arse.

    I then whip them off when I’m out of sight of the office and stash them in a pocket or in said EPMS. It has made me more determined than I was not to use one in any other circumstances as I fucking hate the think. It feels shit, looks shit, makes me unhappy, but I think what it facilitates in this scenario is just about worthwhile.

    I am sorry.

    Fear not, for others have masturbated in full view – Keepers included (I’m looking at you @Gianni) but the shame you feel is because you know it is wrong…

    … and you shall find no absolution for your shame here. Rule #5.

    Just as the Sihk proudly wears the turban and articles of his faith, so too should you let loose the guns, in all their lycra clad glory so that your co-workers know that you are a Cyclist and not just some dude who rides a bike. And just as the Sihk embraces the Five Virtues, so too should you Rule #1, ditch the EPMS, and be free.

  26. @DeKerr

    I’ll just leave this here:

    You don’t have to look good to ride a bike fast, but it helps. From skinsuits to compression socks, Tinkoff-Saxo rider Chris Juul-Jensen on style secrets of the peloton

    He’s one of us!

  27. @DeKerr

    I’ll just leave this here:

    You don’t have to look good to ride a bike fast, but it helps. From skinsuits to compression socks, Tinkoff-Saxo rider Chris Juul-Jensen on style secrets of the peloton

    Er, Frank – “Then there are those things that look a bit silly but feel good. Toe warmers, for example, may give you duck feet but your feet can’t live without them on a rainy day.”

  28. One more reason to love Tom Boonen:

    “The evolution we’ve made is that we’ve started to train more like we used to do,” says Boonen. “Less paperwork, less schedules before the ride – I think it works well.

    “If you have a lot of good riders in a group, you’re going to train well anyway because you start playing around a little bit on the climbs, then ride faster on the flat parts, and at the end you have a good training ride with everyone enjoying themselves.

    “On the other hand if you ride with only schedules it sometimes gets boring, you have to look at the figures all the time – I don’t like it. We have made the evolution to go back to the old-style training in the team.”

  29. @asyax

    @DeKerr

    I’ll just leave this here:

    You don’t have to look good to ride a bike fast, but it helps. From skinsuits to compression socks, Tinkoff-Saxo rider Chris Juul-Jensen on style secrets of the peloton

    Er, Frank – “Then there are those things that look a bit silly but feel good. Toe warmers, for example, may give you duck feet but your feet can’t live without them on a rainy day.”

    So only his toes get wet on a rainy day? Flawed logic and no excuse. No.

  30. @Mikael Liddy

    Surely that backpack is in breach of one rule or other

  31. Don’t know where to post this, but it could not escape my notice that a full range of V-Kit is now showing on the ‘Gear’ page. Does this mean said kit is available to order/pre-order?

  32. @RobSandy

    That would appear to be the case.  As I understand it if you preorder you will not be charged till the goodies ship.

    @frank – might you soon get round to that other item we looked at?

  33. @Teocalli

    @RobSandy

    That would appear to be the case.  As I understand it if you preorder you will not be charged till the goodies ship.

    Much excitement. Could do with a sizing chart.

    @frank – might you soon get round to that other item we looked at?

    Ooh cryptic.

  34. @RobSandy

    @Teocalli

    @RobSandy

    That would appear to be the case.  As I understand it if you preorder you will not be charged till the goodies ship.

    Much excitement. Could do with a sizing chart.

    Here. It would be useful to know which cut the V-Kit is (euro race skinny presumably)

    I like the look of it and the pricing seems pretty good.

  35. @Chris

    @RobSandy

    @Teocalli

    @RobSandy

    That would appear to be the case.  As I understand it if you preorder you will not be charged till the goodies ship.

    Much excitement. Could do with a sizing chart.

    Here. It would be useful to know which cut the V-Kit is (euro race skinny presumably)

    I like the look of it and the pricing seems pretty good.

    Don’t know why I didn’t think of doing that.

    I really want a V Jersey. Just got to decide – black or white. I’m thinking black.

  36. @Chris

    @RobSandy

    @Teocalli

    @RobSandy

    That would appear to be the case.  As I understand it if you preorder you will not be charged till the goodies ship.

    Much excitement. Could do with a sizing chart.

    Here. It would be useful to know which cut the V-Kit is (euro race skinny presumably)

    I like the look of it and the pricing seems pretty good.

    If it is the same as the last batch it is euro skinny race fit.

  37. @Teocalli

    Perfect. Is it comparable with Rapha’s take on euro skinny race fit?

    I’m on a serious weight loss mission having lost about 8kg since January so ESRF is something to savour rather than fear at the moment. Hopefully, there’s a bit more to come off but I doubt it’ll shift me from a medium to a small!

  38. @Chris

    @Teocalli

    Perfect. Is it comparable with Rapha’s take on euro skinny race fit?

    I’m on a serious weight loss mission having lost about 8kg since January so ESRF is something to savour rather than fear at the moment. Hopefully, there’s a bit more to come off but I doubt it’ll shift me from a medium to a small!

    Crikey, you’ll no doubt remember I’m no heavyweight and even though I’m 1-2 Kilo off my summer best at 69 Kilo a Medium in the last batch is a close fit on me!  Oh and just checking the label it does say Race Cut.  Unfortunately I don’t have any Rapha – on my wish list but been spending too much on my latest build.  Nearly ready for photos.

  39. @Chris

    @Teocalli

    Perfect. Is it comparable with Rapha’s take on euro skinny race fit?

    I’m on a serious weight loss mission having lost about 8kg since January so ESRF is something to savour rather than fear at the moment. Hopefully, there’s a bit more to come off but I doubt it’ll shift me from a medium to a small!

    My kit from the last Kallisto batch fits very much like Rapha pro team.

    @frank – Will there be V Socks?

  40. @Teocalli

    If I hit 69 kg, the authorities would worry that I’d either developed an eating disorder or that I’d resorted to banned substances. That would take me down to a freakishly low body fat percentage (well probably not but one that I’d have have to maintain a fairly joyless lifestyle to maintain. I’d be delighted to get to 75kg.

    I lucked out with Rapha at Christmas. Mrs Chris said she would get me some for Christmas and between their Black Friday sale and some superb customer service on their behalf I ended up with a Pro Team ensemble for slightly less than half price. I’ve only just got slinky enough to do it any sort of justice but it’s lurvely. Anyone who thinks that it’s massively overpriced and all style over function has no idea what they’re talking about.

  41. @Teocalli

    @Chris

    @RobSandy

    @Teocalli

    @RobSandy

    That would appear to be the case.  As I understand it if you preorder you will not be charged till the goodies ship.

    Much excitement. Could do with a sizing chart.

    Here. It would be useful to know which cut the V-Kit is (euro race skinny presumably)

    I like the look of it and the pricing seems pretty good.

    If it is the same as the last batch it is euro skinny race fit.

    Think I’m nailed on Large. I’m 6ft and 88kgs but carry most of my weight around my thighs and shoulders. I don’t have the belly that club fitting jerseys seem to assume.

  42. @pistard

    That’s good to know, cheers.

    @frank I’m in for V-Socks as well.

  43. @frank

    One more reason to love Tom Boonen:

    “The evolution we’ve made is that we’ve started to train more like we used to do,” says Boonen. “Less paperwork, less schedules before the ride – I think it works well.

    “If you have a lot of good riders in a group, you’re going to train well anyway because you start playing around a little bit on the climbs, then ride faster on the flat parts, and at the end you have a good training ride with everyone enjoying themselves.

    “On the other hand if you ride with only schedules it sometimes gets boring, you have to look at the figures all the time – I don’t like it. We have made the evolution to go back to the old-style training in the team.”

    I know, I loved that comment. I mean, whatever next – riders racing based on how they feel on the day, using their brains and intuition instead of looking at a wee box on their handlebars to tell them where they’re at?

  44. @RobSandy

    Don’t know where to post this, but it could not escape my notice that a full range of V-Kit is now showing on the ‘Gear’ page. Does this mean said kit is available to order/pre-order?

    You might notice you can’t actually order any yet…we are adding a new design of kit to the mix and want to make sure folks see that first before ordering to avoid people wishing they’d ordered the new kit. ETA approximately a month out, I’d say…

    @Chris

    Likely adding a black color option and possibly going to one-length only.

    Also, The Orange Damsels have me riding like this lately, and starting to love it. Put on your sunglasses if you aren’t wearing them already.

  45. @frank

    @RobSandy

    Don’t know where to post this, but it could not escape my notice that a full range of V-Kit is now showing on the ‘Gear’ page. Does this mean said kit is available to order/pre-order?

    You might notice you can’t actually order any yet…we are adding a new design of kit to the mix and want to make sure folks see that first before ordering to avoid people wishing they’d ordered the new kit. ETA approximately a month out, I’d say…

    @Chris

    Likely adding a black color option and possibly going to one-length only.

    Also, The Orange Damsels have me riding like this lately, and starting to love it. Put on your sunglasses if you aren’t wearing them already.

    Black V-socks, nice.

    Not sure about your fluro orange thing there, though. Are the Keepers gradually losing the plot? @Marko has become some sort of goatee’d amphibian on a fat bike and @Bretto is busy instgramming picture of his Merckx sporting mudguards. Not sure what’ll come next, @Gianni slamming his stem?

    Eddie’s got his eye on you lot

  46. @frank

    This “new design” you speak of… surely, and at long last, it will include that most ephemeral of the sacred garments…

    the V-cap

  47. @DeKerr

    We had a design ready, then decided to hold it to make sure it works with both kits.

    Definitely doing a cap release at the same time, though. Long time coming, that.

    @Chris

    They aren’t flouro, you cunzor, I’m not fucking Kristoff. And really, if you’re OK with black, you’re already off to the dark side so any other color is just as bad as “not white” from an Aesthete’s perspective. No high horses there, my friend.

    But if @brett is putting mudguards on his Merckx, he deserves to be dragged out and team-beaten with a flaccid frame pump by The Prophet and Johan. This is not something I’m aware of and do not condone in any way. I will have words; thank you for bringing it to my attention.

    @Marko is on a mission to rediscover himself and The Path. Sometimes, we must spread our wings and alight from the nest in order to discover new horizons.

    I did notice his guns are hairy, which I cannot tolerate. I also noticed they are quite skinny. I have provisionally dubbed them the Wookie Pistols.

    What I do like is that he’s taking the Fat Bike and treating it like the mountain bike was treated in the late 80’s and the TT bike was treated in the early 90’s: pure, unadulterated discovery mode – just try something and see if its fun or not. Those are fun times, and I’m stoked he’s a part, in some small way, of exploring it. I just wish he’d fucking write about it here so we can really open a can of worms on his ass.

    And @Gianni won’t be slamming his stem, that much we can be sure of. And he’s already hated on my sock choice, he’s not about to agree on the sock length edict Brett and I leaning towards gear-wise, so there’s that you can hang your hat on, too.

  48. @frank

    @DeKerr

    We had a design ready, then decided to hold it to make sure it works with both kits.

    Definitely doing a cap release at the same time, though. Long time coming, that.

    You should say ‘Inshallah’ just to really get the complete sense. In fact I think we could add it to the Lexicon.

    V-cap:  used to indicate something so far past due people have given up all hope and unlikely to ever happen, yet which allegedly continues to approach reality in an incremental fashion. Contains the suspicion that the originator is taking the piss.

    “Man that Sagan may be good but I’ll be wearing a V-cap the day he wins a Monument.”

  49. @ChrisO

    You should say ‘Inshallah’ just to really get the complete sense. In fact I think we could add it to the Lexicon.

    I normally use “Insha’ Merckx”, and you’re correct that it should have been used here, and should be in the Lexi.

    V-cap: used to indicate something so far past due people have given up all hope and unlikely to ever happen, yet which allegedly continues to approach reality in an incremental fashion. Contains the suspicion that the originator is taking the piss.

    “Man that Sagan may be good but I’ll be wearing a V-cap the day he wins a Monument.”

    Ok, that just got you the +1 badge. Strong work, my friend. And too true.

  50. @frank

    Excellent rant. Chapeau.

    I don’t follow our stance on sock colours. If black is so wrong why offer it?

    Black socks can also help tie in black kit to shoes that don’t co-ordinate with the rest of the your kit. Take a black kit with some yellow or pink detailing, Rapha’s Pro Team kit for example, what colour socks would you go for with different shoe colours; say red or white? Would black shoes be too co-ordinated and if not what colour socks would you pair them with?

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