Fake Cigarette optional photo: E. Keller

Rolling with Rule #80

Rolling with Rule #80

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Always be casually deliberate, even when riding.

You have just attacked off the front to take a town line sprint. It was a just-the-perfect-amount-of-dumb yet successful move. You went deeply anaerobic for a sprint no one else was even mildly interested in, but you did crush them unrestrainedly.

Now, to hide your effort, you deploy the Rule #80 Casual Coast. Left hand on the bars, right hand resting on the thigh, right pedal up to raise the right thigh to armchair height. You coast along as your awesome sprinting momentum eases and the group rolls up. You are a picture of relaxation and confidence. You drift left and regard them as they ride up on your right. Your body language says one thing.

Let that be a lesson, jongens.

My old friend and LBS owner, George “Lefty” Sykes has taught me many cycling things over the years. He invested too much time, swearing and frustration drilling us in the perfect double pace line. The Casual Coast was never mentioned but George was a master of this move. I discerned this posture was as important as riding a double pace line though no one was going to pull me off the road and lecture me about it. This was not a skill, this was just cool. We cyclists don’t do much coasting but this an awesome way to recover and survey your fellow riders from a position of power and relaxed confidence.

// The Rules

  1. @Rom

    @Mike_P

    @Rom get them shaved like they should be and prove it then :-)

    I’ve heard they will look even bigger once shaved. I’ve tried that with other body parts and it seems to work. :)

    Imagined to be bigger…

  2. @scaler911

    @Gianni

    @scaler911 @Nate

    Maybe it would be cooler to be rolling your own while waiting for people to catch up.

    @ChrissyOne Thanks. Gadzooks it right! Serotta does not mess about. I lusted after a Colgano lugged Carbone frame but this may be better. It’s custom made, the original owner was smaller than I am, yet it fits me well. And he kept it in perfect shape. Chapeau to him.

    @frank

    Years ago I was warming up on the rollers for the state hill climb champs. The van parked next to me opened up and three dudes roll out Spicoli style after they’d hot boxed it in there. So stoned they could barely see straight. I took the second step to one of them.

    I love stories like that. Spicoli-style. So climbing and tasty buds work together? Sheeeit, maybe I need to see if it helps my climbing. Anything would, I can’t go any slower uphill right now.

  3. bah, if only I’d read this on Saturday morning I would have known exactly how to act when I took out our group’s Super Bonus Point World Championship with a devastating uphill sprint!

    I went for Frank’s classic locked arms & gentle spinning pose as the vanquished finally caught up, little did I know there was a dedicated move for such an event.

  4. @frank

    @Gianni

    @wiscot

    . At Casa Andrews, the faux cig is as crucial to the Good Life as a good beer.

    I’m confused by all the talk of fake cigarettes. It is making me question the whole ethos of being a Velominati.

    The underlying principle you espouse is “do it properly”. eg. Don’t pretend to be a pro rider by wearing current team kit. Don’t pretend to be a world champ by wearing the world championship jersey. I get that. That’s why I’ve just given a copy of The Rules to my 18 yr old son and told him to “digest” them, as they apply to life and not just to cycling.

    By allowing a fake fag surely you’ll then allow me to keep an empty bottle of a flemish ale so that those times I can’t actually get one I could fill it up with a (whisper it) dark English beer and thus pretend I’m drinking the liquid of the Gods? And that way madness lies……….. I could get a cheap far eastern steel frame and get it painted with Bianchi colours and logo…….where does it end?

    Either smoke a cigarette, and accept all the potential downsides, or don’t.

    Or am I missing something?

    Cheers,

    David

  5. Wearing my Velominati top on Beach Rd recently I was caning it at the front of a small group thru Sandringham, Brighton and Elwood. Ensuring I stayed at the front, my stroke constant, not looking around, timing  traffic lights to perfection. My heart and lungs ready to implode, no fucker was going to pass this Rule #5 exemplar. Eventually I casually sat up and the group rolled thru; one rider looked at me and uttered one word, “Mercx”…my work was done.

  6. @Gianni In 1998 a Canadian named Ross Rebagliati won the first ever Olympic gold medal in snowboarding.  He was stripped of this award after testing positive for BC kush. However the medal was returned after officials determined that the drug might not be enhancing?  Smoke-em if you got em!

  7. @davidlhill

    @frank

    @Gianni

    @wiscot

    . At Casa Andrews, the faux cig is as crucial to the Good Life as a good beer.

    I’m confused by all the talk of fake cigarettes. It is making me question the whole ethos of being a Velominati.

    The underlying principle you espouse is “do it properly”. eg. Don’t pretend to be a pro rider by wearing current team kit. Don’t pretend to be a world champ by wearing the world championship jersey. I get that. That’s why I’ve just given a copy of The Rules to my 18 yr old son and told him to “digest” them, as they apply to life and not just to cycling.

    By allowing a fake fag surely you’ll then allow me to keep an empty bottle of a flemish ale so that those times I can’t actually get one I could fill it up with a (whisper it) dark English beer and thus pretend I’m drinking the liquid of the Gods? And that way madness lies……….. I could get a cheap far eastern steel frame and get it painted with Bianchi colours and logo…….where does it end?

    Either smoke a cigarette, and accept all the potential downsides, or don’t.

    Or am I missing something?

    Cheers,

    David

    It’s not about pretending world champ or pro its about don’t be an obvious douch. Therefore painting the cheapo bike Bianchi Celeste* or filling a Belgium empty with swill is just wrong, smoking a fake cigi as you chill is just frigging funny.

    *An exception is painting the 753 Team Raliegh Bianchi Celeste because your riding for a Bianchi sponsored team and you love the Raliegh like your second skin but the team was low budget and did not get the top of the line Bianchi’s…

  8. @Gianni Size appropriate, yes!  Can someone explain the need for child size bikes?  Thank you.

  9. About to disappear for some holiday R&R tomorrow. I just want to wish all Velominati around the world happy and safe holidays and I look forward to another 12 months of enlightenment and entertainment courtesy of the Keepers.

    Over the holidays I’ll forego the Belgian ale on favor of some Spotted Cow from here in WI. http://www.newglarusbrewing.com/index.cfm/beers/ourbeers/beer/spotted-cow

  10. @davidlhill

    What you’re missing is that he’s just taking the piss, another thing the Velominati are rather fond of doing.

  11. @frank

    I get taking the piss – oh christ yes. That is totally velominati compliant.

    But what I don’t get is having  stash of said offending items in the house (why? To take the piss on a daily basis?).

    I don’t get setting up a photo with said offending items to recreate an image from the 40’s or 50’s.

    I realise I’m arguing against a pair of keepers and hence I’m wrong, but still……

    Cheers,

    David

    PS had to have an afternoon with prime Australian Shiraz to help me cope with the imagary…..

  12. On another note entirely (and apologies if this has been posted elsewhere already), HardTalk interview with Cavenmaybecanin2014 here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-radio-and-tv-25403183. Gives quite a good account if himself.

    Felice Navidad, all.

  13. @stumpy

    @Gianni Size appropriate, yes! Can someone explain the need for child size bikes? Thank you.

    So we can all have seatposts the size of franks, ha ha!

    my Christmas gift to you all, a rare farmer joke that doesn’t involve, sheep, cows, pigs or tractors!

  14. Oh Aunti Ewe…da-a-a-a-a dys home!

  15. @davidlhill

    You are over-thinking this, easily done here at Velominati.com. The fake cigs are just a laugh. Cigs are so anti-athlete that the juxtaposition is funny to me. I’ve maybe smoked one cig in my life, young and drunk, resulting in beer everywhere. The fake ones are handy if you want to look as ridiculous as a real smoker, again, for a laugh.

    The cigarette in the photo is there just for fun.

  16. @Rob

    It’s not about pretending world champ or pro its about don’t be an obvious douch. Therefore painting the cheapo bike Bianchi Celeste* or filling a Belgium empty with swill is just wrong, smoking a fake cigi as you chill is just frigging funny.

    *An exception is painting the 753 Team Raliegh Bianchi Celeste because your riding for a Bianchi sponsored team and you love the Raliegh like your second skin but the team was low budget and did not get the top of the line Bianchi’s…

    Rob, your painting your killer Raleigh celeste green to match the sponsored team’s Bianchis is a tradition as old as professional cycling. It’s like Maerten’s admitting he never rode a Flandria as his were always repainted Gios frames. You are cool.

  17. No, no, no, Gianni I WAS TRYING to be cool but I never have been and now it’s too late! As evidence for the jury I submit image number 1. Note the perspiration, the 53 x 17 and how I was too cheap (and I did not want to sully my beautiful Raliegh further) to put on Bianchi decals…  please don’t mention the quick release…

    I can’t remember the kids name, he came up to New England for the bigger races, not Keifal, Demegen or Rogers… Or was it?

  18. @Deakus

    Awesome photo. I love to do this to the kids!

    Hilarious! The VMW and I were in tears! Dropped the kids on the first hill..

  19. @Rob

    Sensi, you were very cool. Great photo: the purple and white hairnet, leather Merckxian gloves, stealth bike. And you are looking very casual as you work that dude from the Raleigh team. That guy was not so versed in Bruce Lee, Miyamoto Musashi or pillow talk. I’m sure you beat him in the sprint.

  20. @Rob

    No, no, no, Gianni I WAS TRYING to be cool but I never have been and now it’s too late! As evidence for the jury I submit image number 1. Note the perspiration, the 53 x 17 and how I was too cheap (and I did not want to sully my beautiful Raliegh further) to put on Bianchi decals… please don’t mention the quick release…

    I can’t remember the kids name, he came up to New England for the bigger races, not Keifal, Demegen or Rogers… Or was it?

    That’s not a legit TI-Raleigh kit riding next to you, is it? Or was it a US team trying to look like the classic?

    This photo is absolutely everything I hold as Looking Fantastic. I”m still waiting for you to write your Guestie on nailing on cleats.

    The best thing about this photo is that, riding a 53×17 (sure its not a 52?), you are CROSSED. I climb in a 53×17 with a solid 3-4 cogs to spare before crossing. That’s a man’s block; 6 speeds, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. Allez la douze.

  21. @unversio

    @Rom

    @Mike_P

    @Rom get them shaved like they should be and prove it then :-)

    I’ve heard they will look even bigger once shaved. I’ve tried that with other body parts and it seems to work. :)

    Imagined to be bigger…

    Perception is everything

  22. @Gianni  that image of the few I have is a favorite. The hairnet came from a summer spent in London working and only doing club races (couldnt get into open races) and was bought at Condors on Grays Inn Road, it’s their shop colors. The gloves were my favorite Itailan jobs, paper thin and great for summer racing. The shoes, the shoes… I miss the shoes.

    @frank CRCofA,  Century Road Club of America out of NY or NJ, the oldest club and its roster is a venerable list of US racing. I wish I could remember who he was, someone will. Ironically, they were my club because my Sensei belonged but since I was from Boston I never even talked to the big boys from the mothership. By then I was riding for a small team we put together in Boston, Classic Wine/Laughing Alley. Affectionately known as the Classic Whiners!

    I think by then I had  discovered the 53 and I might even have had a seven in back? But either way no 12 back then, thats why the 53 was cool. Pretty sure I was running something like a 13- 19 for a flat crit. Remember we could pick and choose our cogs! I’d throw on a 21 for hills.

    Yes, will get going on nailed on cleats and the cross over from wool to Lycra!

  23. Just got this from my sister for Christmas (after sorting through Dad’s old slides). Rule #80 adherence since 1968.

    “Come on- what are we waiting for??”

    Note: Possible other rule infractions may be evident

    VLVV – Merry Xmas and a hard New Year

  24. @asyax  Cool image! The look is killer and really I can’t see any infractions, tan lines – crisp, bike looks in perfect order although the stem could get slammed… Maybe those early Areospoke wheels are a bit dodgy but definitely ahead of their time!

    Merry, Merry to one and all!

    “- and a hard New Year” ++1

  25. Looking good, Gianni. Nice new kit, and the bike is looking proper. I like those Ritchey stems and finish, but a pal has the bars and the bend of them seems a little odd. Maybe I haven’t been at it long enough to appreciate their Class.

    Wow, a purple and white hairnet and a full-out sprint. That is a great photograph. I hope it hangs proudly in your shop or hell, right in your living room.

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