I know it’s a bit misleading to call this article a “Book Review”, but “Book Review” soundsbetter than “Jump To Conclusions After Reading One Chapter and Publish Those Conclusions”.
Like most cyclists, I suffer from the belief that I’m overweight (I am). In a world of rising obesity, I am thrown strange glances and receive accusations of “being anorexic” from my colleagues when I comment that I won’t have a cookie or slice of Birthday cake because I’m trying to lose some weight. The fact is, despite being generally thinner and fitter than the average citizen, cyclists suffer from the same self-image problems that everyone else does. Not only that, we struggle to lose weight just as much as our non-athletic friends.
Athletes generally lose weight through piling on more miles – a theory based on Physics and the wonderfully useful principle known as The Conservation of Mass; what goes in goes out and if you burn more calories than you consume, you will lose weight. (The Conservation of Mass is actually our best friend; it’s behind almost everything that makes bicycling possible and also being out of shape incredibly frustrating). Owing to this simple theory, it’s generally unsurprising that there are very few diet programs for amateur athletes and as such I was thrilled to pick up a copy of “Racing Weight“, by Matt Fitzgerald, a book seeming written for just this audience. I prepared to read it and readied myself to lose those last few (dozen) pounds.
I found the book very disappointing. What I’m gleaning is that in order to loose weight I should “eat right, “eat less”, “train more”, and – worst of all – “stop drinking like a fish”. Not only that, but the book insists that I should diligently collect data on my training, diet, and weight and track it over several training cycles in order to even understand what my ideal weight might be in the first place. Basically, by the time Winter sets in again and I’m ready to eat turkey and drink Scotch from the bottle, I’ll have some idea as to how fat I really am.
I’ll be honest: that’s not really the program I’m looking for. I was looking more for the program where I get to eat Cadbury Eggs, chips and salsa, and watch clever videos on the internet while dropping weight like a heroin addict with giardia and at the same time not losing muscle mass (it would even be nice if this diet even helped me gain some). Isn’t there something I can inject or a pill to make myself a better cyclist? Come on, Matt, I’m getting tired of unhelpful authors.
And with that, I’m left with no option but to stick to my usual plan of eating hamburgers, drinking beer, and spending loads of money on lighter cycling equipment in lieu of losing weight.
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Three hours high intensity on the turbo without a fan (sips of water only), followed by a good hour's rehydration with nothing but red wine and black coffee.
Instant weight loss.
Simples!
If it weren't for beer I'd look just like A. Grimpeur. Well that and the fact that I don't ride 20000k a year.
@drfrot
Three hours on the Turbo Trainer? Are you working with the Chinese on new, diabolical torture methods?
@Marko
If it weren't for booze, food, and a lack of training, I'd like like F. Grimpeur.
One of these days I'll move to Beverly Hills or somewhere and set up a '3d Fitness Lifestyle Clinic.' Basically the tenets of my philosophy will include multiple reps of mulholland, understanding and appreciating vintage steel framed Italian cycles, the art of cocktail making, beer and burrito science and lying to your girlfriend / wife whilst pissed - potentially all at the same time. Be prepared, indeedy. To this end, I slogged around London for 70 miles last night and went for a large lunch on the sauce today. Feeling a touch unusual now but a session on the vomitarium (turbo) this evening should restore the equilibrium.
@Joe
Your business model is genius. It's perfect for Beverly Hills. I recommend you also add a bit in to sell the $10,000 road bikes to all the fatsos who want to join the program. Because none of them will ride anything less.
Vomitarium. Classic.
Your business model is genius. It's perfect for Beverly Hills. I recommend you also add a bit in to sell the $10,000 road bikes to Robin Williams and Jake Gyllenhall who want to join the program. Because they won't ride anything less.
@frank
Fixed your post
@Marko
Thanks mate.
@all
For those of you not expanding the "clever video" link, it's embedded here. It's done by an Artist/Comic in LA, Dan McNeil. It's brilliant. Pay attention to the little messages.
Thanks Gents,
Might have to pass on Robin Williams as a client - whatever crazy skills my 'clinic' might have, I don't think I could make him funny again...
Jake can take a number but I'd want him to maintain a rigourous observance of Rule 5. Start him on a strict hill rep programme riding friction downtube shifters then follow up with basic training in almost neat gin drinks and bike science. Begin with 10 shots at Laurel Canyon, a triple round of Negronis and memorising every Campag Groupset of the last 30yrs. Ground him in the basics.
Frank, you could support Bar Tape and Ale Studies....
@Joe
I'm in!
If you call it Joe's Rehab Clinic, you'll attract loads of LA pussies who are in desparate need of a heavy regimen of Rule 5 Observation. Open a satelite clinic in Park Slope in Brooklyn and you'll retire within two years.