Categories: EtiquetteLa Vie VelominatusMusings from the V-Bunker

Breathing Through Your Ears

Phantom aero in the snow. Top marks, Michele.

Suffering is part of Cycling the way alcohol is part of liver failure: they are obviously connected but it’s too much fun to stop and think about why you do it. Grace finds us through La Volupté, but her touch is rare and we generally are far better acquainted with her husband, The Man with the Hammer. That guy is a bit of an asshole.

We typically don’t want to let anyone we’re riding with know how much we’re suffering, but I do admit to indulging in a Virenque or Voekler-style Five-Face to further bewilder the passing traffic while I’m killing it up the local leg breaker or crushing the 53×11 while overtaking the cars along the various boulevards in town.

But any time I’m riding with someone, I go to great lengths to ensure I hide my suffering in totality. I’ll start chatting to the rider next to me whenever I hurt. Or when I don’t hurt but I know they’re hurting. You know the drill. Bernard Hinault used to attack whenever he felt really like shit because if he was off the front, no one could see how much he was suffering. That’s a really good way to go about it, so long as your name starts with “Bernard” and ends with “Hinault”.

There is an expression in Cycling, “Breathing through your ears”. It’s meaning is twofold; on one hand it means you’re feeling desperate to open up any orifice in your body to allow more oxygen into the organism, on account of the wholesale suffering that you’re experiencing. On the other hand, it means you’re also not breathing through your mouth, for fear of betraying your Suffer Monkey Score to those you’re riding with.

Both interpretations are equally valid; take your pick. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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the Engine says:

Feb 11 2016 at 6:56 am
@Major VVald
@the Engine

Rule #TBD:
1. if at any time during a solo ride, you find yourself noticing the smells of the flowers or the beautiful scenery, apply more V because you are doing it wrong.
2. if at any time during a group ride you find yourself able to hold forth at length about the benefits and drawbacks of the latest UCI ruling, you are sandbagging and must immediately strive to lift the pace since you are clearly not pulling enough when it is your turn on the front. For shame. (exception: if you are doing this on purpose to give the local bloviator a taste of their own medicine).
3. if at any time during a race you find it easy to breathe you are doing it absolutely wrong.
4. if at any time you find yourself on a trainer mindlessly zoning out while pretending to attack Ventoux on Zwift, jump off immediately, proceed directly to the nearest mirror, berate yourself for being such a pansy, apply more V and get on with Rule #9. Trainers/rollers may only be used for warm ups prior to a race or epic ride.
5. this bullet is intentionally left blank.
Is riding hard in the dark suffering where Zwift is not suffering? Descending wet hills in the dark and sleet is clearly suffering but one is not breathing through one's ears.
the Engine says:

Feb 11 2016 at 6:59 am

@Teocalli

@the Engine

How about:

Stage 1 – Pain

Stage 2 – Throwing Up

Stage 3 – Unconsciousness

Stage 4 – Best avoided

We do need a Rule about the necessity of throwing up on the line. After the line means you weren't riding hard enough. Before the line is a misjudgement of effort.
Ron says:

Feb 11 2016 at 7:23 am

@Sparty

I fractured my nose four times. The first two happened during high school. It was after the third fracture, while wrestling collegiately, that I required surgery to fix my deviated septum. Such a horrible procedure. I’ll spare you the details. After mending, I was able to breathe freely through my nose. Unfortunately, a season later, I suffered my fourth fracture and deviated the septum. I was not keen to undergo surgery a second time only to break it again. Lucky, I did not suffer a fifth fracture (knock wood). Today, I struggle to move enough air through my nose during long/hard efforts and must resort to open mouth breathing. Now, I do a wicked Voekler imitation.

Good lord. Having wrestled as a kid, I know how hard the sport is. Maybe harder and more thankless than cycling? Largely ignored as a sport (at least in the U.S.), hours of hard training, endless weight watching, and no easy wins. Ugh.
Ron says:

Feb 11 2016 at 7:27 am

Having spent most of my life in and around lacrosse, I LOVE that it's a sport where you refuse to show pain to your opponents. A broken leg is a "lower body injury" to be dealt with in the training room, not on the field in front of the challenger.

I also play and love soccer, but the diving and faking of injuries at the highest levels is pure bullshit.
Major VVald says:

Feb 11 2016 at 7:35 am

@the Engine

Time of day/night is irrelevant to the suffering. Good point on the descending in adverse conditions, but of course we have a rule for pedaling while descending so you can - and should - put forth max V on the downhills as well. Use your brakes as resistance if you are spinning out and feel the need to reduce speed but keep up the pressure on the gears.

In no cases can trainer sessions be construed as suffering in any shape or form.
Mick says:

Feb 11 2016 at 7:40 am

Yeah, that's what they used to tell us, never show you're hurting in a race, this is the jungle and you don't want to be an easy prey... Conversely if you ever feel this is your day and you're cruising in the front group, it's time to use your comedy skills -if you have any- and play the half-dead. You don't want the others to sit on your wheel everytime there's a gap to bridge and you don't want them to gang up on you (they naturally will if you give them a reason to... It's only human)

Cycling is about destroying your opposition when you're head and shoulders above the rest but if you are part of "the rest", you can still do pretty well: race hard when you have to, save your energy whenever you can and try and bluff your way to the win. Sometimes it works.

"Breathing through your ears" is a nice expression, very evocative, in the French language we have pédaler avec les oreilles -"pedaling with the ears": you know when the road's been going uphill for a while now and you're at the back the group, hanging by the skin of your teeth, "à bloc", desperately moving your head right and left everytime you push the pedals... not in a position to bluff anymore, not in a position to do anything anymore except pushing right and left -transient survival mode. Then suddenly you realize you aren't that far from the hilltop, the road isn't as steep now, you think that somehow you almost made it, you're going to pull it through... Sadly, you find that when the road isn't as steep, that's usually when the decisions are made in a race -the big guns are going for it, until then they were only going steady -they hadn't noticed you were still in the group anyway.

All that pain, all in vain.
Buck Rogers says:

Feb 11 2016 at 8:11 am

@Major VVald

@the Engine

In no cases can trainer sessions be construed as suffering in any shape or form.

http://www.velominati.com/guest-article/indoors-at-the-v-and-dime/

See Frahnk's intro and read our dear friend JiPM's (where has he gone???) article.
Teocalli says:

Feb 11 2016 at 8:19 am

@the Engine

We do need a Rule about the necessity of throwing up on the line. After the line means you weren’t riding hard enough. Before the line is a misjudgement of effort.

Somewhat akin to Colin Chapman's principle for designing an F1 car. I remember him once saying that the ideal car was built just strong enough so that it would collapse as it crossed the finish line.
Teocalli says:

Feb 11 2016 at 8:28 am

All this talk about chatting away when at maximal effort appears to be either at odds with the principles of 5 levels of effort or show Zen like control of something or other.

The 5 levels being:

1. Asleep

2. Can converse normally without breaking up sentences.

3. Speaks in simple sentences, one at a time.

4. Spits out short phrases or single words.

5. Speak? Are you f*&ing joking!?
wiscot says:

Feb 11 2016 at 8:32 am

@Ron

@Sparty

I fractured my nose four times. The first two happened during high school. It was after the third fracture, while wrestling collegiately, that I required surgery to fix my deviated septum. Such a horrible procedure. I’ll spare you the details. After mending, I was able to breathe freely through my nose. Unfortunately, a season later, I suffered my fourth fracture and deviated the septum. I was not keen to undergo surgery a second time only to break it again. Lucky, I did not suffer a fifth fracture (knock wood). Today, I struggle to move enough air through my nose during long/hard efforts and must resort to open mouth breathing. Now, I do a wicked Voekler imitation.

Good lord. Having wrestled as a kid, I know how hard the sport is. Maybe harder and more thankless than cycling? Largely ignored as a sport (at least in the U.S.), hours of hard training, endless weight watching, and no easy wins. Ugh.

It might not be a huge pro sport here in the US, but at the high school (and some colleges) level, wrestling is still huge - at least here in the midwest.