Categories: EtiquetteLa Vie VelominatusMusings from the V-Bunker

Breathing Through Your Ears

Phantom aero in the snow. Top marks, Michele.

Suffering is part of Cycling the way alcohol is part of liver failure: they are obviously connected but it’s too much fun to stop and think about why you do it. Grace finds us through La Volupté, but her touch is rare and we generally are far better acquainted with her husband, The Man with the Hammer. That guy is a bit of an asshole.

We typically don’t want to let anyone we’re riding with know how much we’re suffering, but I do admit to indulging in a Virenque or Voekler-style Five-Face to further bewilder the passing traffic while I’m killing it up the local leg breaker or crushing the 53×11 while overtaking the cars along the various boulevards in town.

But any time I’m riding with someone, I go to great lengths to ensure I hide my suffering in totality. I’ll start chatting to the rider next to me whenever I hurt. Or when I don’t hurt but I know they’re hurting. You know the drill. Bernard Hinault used to attack whenever he felt really like shit because if he was off the front, no one could see how much he was suffering. That’s a really good way to go about it, so long as your name starts with “Bernard” and ends with “Hinault”.

There is an expression in Cycling, “Breathing through your ears”. It’s meaning is twofold; on one hand it means you’re feeling desperate to open up any orifice in your body to allow more oxygen into the organism, on account of the wholesale suffering that you’re experiencing. On the other hand, it means you’re also not breathing through your mouth, for fear of betraying your Suffer Monkey Score to those you’re riding with.

Both interpretations are equally valid; take your pick. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

EBruner says:

Feb 10 2016 at 6:06 pm

I like to recite Charge of the Light-brigade on 15% climbs to annoy other riders.
Haldy says:

Feb 10 2016 at 6:08 pm

Ahhh...now I know why you were striking up conversation with me during the Falling Leaves Cogal...
Sparty says:

Feb 10 2016 at 6:45 pm

I fractured my nose four times. The first two happened during high school. It was after the third fracture, while wrestling collegiately, that I required surgery to fix my deviated septum. Such a horrible procedure. I'll spare you the details. After mending, I was able to breathe freely through my nose. Unfortunately, a season later, I suffered my fourth fracture and deviated the septum. I was not keen to undergo surgery a second time only to break it again. Lucky, I did not suffer a fifth fracture (knock wood). Today, I struggle to move enough air through my nose during long/hard efforts and must resort to open mouth breathing. Now, I do a wicked Voekler imitation.
uptitus says:

Feb 10 2016 at 6:53 pm

And my, how one-upmanship can escalate it all! Hurts so good, don't it?
Barracuda says:

Feb 10 2016 at 7:31 pm

@Sparty

I fractured my nose four times. The first two happened during high school. It was after the third fracture, while wrestling collegiately, that I required surgery to fix my deviated septum. Such a horrible procedure. I’ll spare you the details. After mending, I was able to breathe freely through my nose. Unfortunately, a season later, I suffered my fourth fracture and deviated the septum. I was not keen to undergo surgery a second time only to break it again. Lucky, I did not suffer a fifth fracture (knock wood). Today, I struggle to move enough air through my nose during long/hard efforts and must resort to open mouth breathing. Now, I do a wicked Voekler imitation.

Me too, regarding the deviated septum and mouth breathing, mine is from Aussie Rules football though.

Whole lot of " whale sharking " going on when I'm under the pump sadly.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Feb 10 2016 at 7:44 pm

What elective surgery could I sell a kidney to finance that would allow me to actually breathe through my ears?

(My liver wouldn't pass inspection and I need every last functioning cubic millimeter of it.)
John Cowley says:

Feb 11 2016 at 12:28 am

Breathing through the ears is acceptable. Pedalling with them isn't, though...
the Engine says:

Feb 11 2016 at 1:51 am

Other than Rules #5 and #9 which deal with suffering more or less without saying do we have a Rule on the perfect amount of suffering that is to be experienced whilst taking part in a: solo ride; group ride; race?
RobSandy says:

Feb 11 2016 at 1:52 am

I only picked up on two words from that article, and they were 'Bernard' and 'Hinault'. Read Fotheringham's book on him over Christmas, and more than ever I just want to be him.

I'm going to have to start attacking off the front whenever I'm in the red. That's a great plan.
RobSandy says:

Feb 11 2016 at 2:00 am

@the Engine

Other than Rules #5 and #9 which deal with suffering more or less without saying do we have a Rule on the perfect amount of suffering that is to be experienced whilst taking part in a: solo ride; group ride; race?

Rule #10.