Legal Doping: Musings from the V-Bunker

Un Caffé

I’m not even talking about all the pseudo-asthmatics out there, vaping their way to better breathing. My breathing is just fine. It’s my little citron sized heart that is slowing me down. Is there a street-legal injection or vacuum pump for heart enlargement, or a trip to a doctor in the Congo that would transplant a badass Mandrill heart for me? That would have to improve my uphill sprint. The transplant shouldn’t be illegal; possibly unwise- but not illegal. I digress.

We can’t all do up a block of training on Tenerife so I rely on un caffé, an espresso. This is legal doping at its finest. One can do it in public. There is no shame attached to drinking an espresso with your teammates before a ride. Faema, a company that Eddy Merckx rode for is still in business, in the espresso business. It’s sort of like Amgen, a producer of EPO sponsoring the Tour of California. The UCI limit is 12 micrograms per ml in urine which is a lot of espresso, like ten of them. That much espresso would just make one a wild slavering beast (a mandrill for instance) who would burn very brightly and then be found trembling in a ditch when the lights went out. I’m sure there are some kermis racers who get all jacked on coffee and burn up the course. That might be the only way to actually dope with caffeine; a race that only lasts an hour and never slows down.

If I enjoy a pre-ride espresso, am I doping or am I just feeding my caffeine monkey (or mandrill) that rides on my back and needs to be serviced? It’s not effective doping if you dope every day of the year,  just to get to nine AM, is it? My dose is just to get me back up to baseline functionality. I can’t even tolerate much caffeine in the middle of a long hot ride. After dosing mid-ride, I get a very uncomfortable hypo-glycemic out-of-body experience and my brain detaches. My brain and eyeballs floats above and I can see that poor suffering bastard down below, with the pre-adolescent sized heart, barely in control of his bike. 

I will, on occasion, do a morning ride sans caffé. Some rides start too early in the morning for me to even think about brewing up and sometimes the ride’s terminus is a café so I hold off. It is never good. A long climb without coffee is much less fun than a long climb with a little caffeine pumping around the nervous system. That small does of caffeine makes the sweating, front wheel staring, and bartape chewing so much more fun and interesting. A jour sans (coffee) is no fun unless one is into a ride so exciting and exhausting (and that started before sunrise) that the lack of buzz is completely unnoticed. Espresso and climbing go well together. Is that why the Colombians are excellent climbers? Espresso and cycling are a good match, like cycling and beer. I’m not saying one needs to develop a coffee or drinking habit to be a cyclist. If you already have them, chapeau, here is a sport that embraces both, completely. 

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

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  • Caffiene can make you lighter too. Makes you poop. At least that's what they tell me.

  • Espresso: less caffeine than most coffee drinks. And easier on the stomach. These are good things. And why the espresso is so connected to cycling. I remember someone telling me you'd have to knock back five espressi (or was it regular coffees, with more caffeine) to be contravening WADA's caffeine protocols.

    But let's be clear. It must be good coffee. And it should preferably come from a local café, and not from your countertop Keurig (see the: it must be good coffee remark). The café espresso is an important part of cycling aestheticism"”and being seen.

  • Gianni, theres doping then theres doping... espresso, wicked hot embrocation and tiger balm in the nostrils is all legal and kosher.

    Miami and "Cubano" coffee are about as close to Italian coffee as one can find (ignoring that Miami is not really part of Merica) state side. My morning rides start with a stop at the open window of the local cafe and a Cortadito - sugar, milk and espresso. Man its such a great way to start.

  • If I am riding early (like predawn) I brew the night before and have it iced to get out the door faster. After all sleep is a performance enhancing thing too.

    Midride on a hot day? Un coca, s'il vous plait.

  • @Ccos

    Caffiene can make you lighter too. Makes you poop. At least that's what they tell me.

    I knew there was a reason I drank so much.

  • @Chris

    ...un caffè, an espresso...

    doppio? surely?

    One is not enough and ten is too many. A doppio is perfect.

    @Rob

    Gianni, theres doping then theres doping... espresso, wicked hot embrocation and tiger balm in the nostrils is all legal and kosher.

    Miami and "Cubano" coffee are about as close to Italian coffee as one can find (ignoring that Miami is not really part of Merica) state side. My morning rides start with a stop at the open window of the local cafe and a Cortadito - sugar, milk and espresso. Man its such a great way to start.

    Rob, you are embracing the Miami lifestyle. That is fantastic, the window service, a badass cubano espressi comes out, boom, and off on the track bike. This ain't no foolin' around.

  • * The following substances included in the 2014 Monitoring Program (bupropion, caffeine, nicotine, phenylephrine, phenylpropanolamine, pipradol, synephrine) are not considered as Prohibited Substances
    From the UCI website.feel free to have 10 Espresso.
  • @Nate

    If I am riding early (like predawn) I brew the night before and have it iced to get out the door faster. After all sleep is a performance enhancing thing too.

    Midride on a hot day? Un coca, s'il vous plait.

    That, brewing up the night before, I must be doing that more. I bought some canned espresso beverage and tried to drink it at 5:30 am before a long ride from nowhere, so terrible. I had to spit it out and dump the rest. I bet espresso keeps pretty well overnight, well enough to drink pre-dawn from nowhere, I reckon.

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