When I was but a young Velominatus, my poor mother was often horrified/embarrassed/disgusted by my typical boy’s habit of sucking back the mucous from the back of my throat and swallowing it… yes, I know, now you’re disgusted too. Taking me to seek a cure from the good Dr Edwards, he let her down somewhat with his prognosis that what I was doing was actually a good thing to clear the sinuses, yet suggested that swallowing was actually better replaced by spitting the gunk out. I claimed a moral victory over mum, as much as an eight year old can over their much wiser matriarch. And so I went through my youth and adolescence into my adult years reinforced with the belief that the guttural snorting and consequent ejection of my snot rockets was in fact something to be proud of and even healthy. Not that I flaunted it, but whenever a girlfriend, mate or colleauge would roll their eyes and declare what a pig I was, I could confidently refute their assertions with the endorsement of the good doctor. I really should have had him write me out a disclaimer note to produce on cue and validate my excuse, and pinned it to the nearest wall with a sticky green exclamation mark.
Of course, it’s not the kind of habit that one just practices whenever the need arises, and carefully timed and stealthily executed ejections became the order of the day. But whenever I got on my bike, the need to clear the passages became more evident and necessary, compounded by the deep breathing and extra work the lungs and throat were required to undertake. Riding a bike and spitting seem to go together like fucking and orgasms (I’m speaking for myself here, but you get my drift). It’s a ritual that is inherent in the ranks from the recreational rider through to the pros. But even among my riding peers, there are always those who share my mother’s view that I’m nothing more than a snot riddled pig and that I should just put up with the discomfort of limited oxygen transportation and the inconvenience of a throat/nose full of lung butter.
So through necessity I’ve been forced to develop over the years a series of methods and moves designed to lessen the impact on my fellow Velominati, and still allow me to keep operating efficiently. Here are some of my top snot tips for the mucously challenged Velominatus.
Just don’t let my mum see you.
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Funny and instructive, Brett. Amazing the number of names you have for nasal effluvia.
Coming from an MTB background, I never seemed to have a problem with this, but was always aware of my road riding mates and their cries of "Snotting!" before swinging out and letting fly with both barrels. However, since switching to skinny tyres I seem to have become the snottiest man alive, frequently having to clear tubes 1 & 2 (underarm, 1 to each side) to stand a chance of continued respiration. This, like so many Velominati articles has given me ways to live a better life, and means that when I go out in the rain tomorrow, I won't just be trying to channel the V, I'll be attempting to master clearing both sides of my cavernous schnozzola on one side. How to look Pro indeed...
The VMH lurks here. While I point her to articles that I feel she'd be interested in, this won't be one of them. Howeverhaving some manners in the group when it comes to such things does need to be discussed.
I'll pen an article about how to take a leak while riding, without getting off your bike, or stopping.
@Fausto
I'm a mountain biker too, and I was going to mention the off-road techniques but slipped my mind (late night posting and the edit function was doing weird stuff).
So, for MTB;
*It's not a good idea to be taking your hands off the bars in most situations, so waiting for a climb to do the Bushman's Hanky is wise.
*Turning the head while barrelling down a singletrack is also detrimental to one's ability to stay on trail; spit straight ahead or slightly to the side.
*Try not to spit onto trailside foliage, a hanger can transfer itself onto the next rider along.
@snoov
Key is to synchronize with your pedal stroke so as not to enmucus your Sidis.
@mcsqueak
*rimshot.* Corny but no less funny for it!
@brett
If it hadn't been @Oli with the correction I would have persisted in viewing the "mistake" as some sort of bizarre Kiwi humour.
@Cyclops
You should go see an otolaryngologist - seriously. Might make you faster and might not cost as much as a wheel upgrade.
@Dan_R
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Peeing is not an art it is something for which you stop, get off the bike and do in off the road. Any hint that it's an art is step one on the slippery slope of validating peeing on the bike, which is one step closer to Marcusing (Being a triathlete that hides in plain sight among roadies). And dear Merckx we shouldn't need an article explaining how to take a leak.
@scaler911
Gaaaaah!
I can do that right now.
One put on tri shorts.
Put on wetsuit.
Piss in wetsuit while swimming, ignore the fact that urine will damage your suit. Ignore the fact that it stinks.
Enter transition. Run around looking for your bike for quarter of an hour.
Find bike you just spent several thousand dollars on. Get on, start riding then piss all over it.
Realise that the reason why there's a no drafting rule in tris is to avoid riding through other people's whizz.
Get off bike. Start running. Realise you may as well go for the trifecta, since you seem to be doing things in threes. Effectively wet yourself in public.
Finish race. Go hang out with a bunch of other people who've just done the same thing like it's completely normal and nothing has happened.
Stop off at the bike shop on the way home. Count your blessing yo don't end up beaten and on tossed onto the street, which is what would happen to a hobo that had pissed himself if he wandered into the store. Spend $300 on tubular tires.
We are Velominati, not animals.
@minion
I should make it very clear that whilst I have wet myself in public (otherwise known as doing a long course triathlon) I have not done so since 1999. But that doesn't mean I won't do so again - either when racing or just in general day to day life. And by the way, staying hydrated whilst engaged in such exercise does not only aid performance - it also prevents one pissing toxic waste in the form of dehydrated brown urine of over your shoes and bike. Believe me - not easy to clean off.
Minion, whilst you are not funny, your comment about animals did remind me of this.
And you missed out one step above.
On finding your bike,
i) put on your bike shoes and then run a few hundred metres next to your bike, ruining your cleats in the process; or
ii) run next to bike in bare feet all the way to transition exit and then spend the next 2 kms pedalling spasmodically in bare feet whilst steering haphazardly. Crashing optional.
You cant even hang shit on triathletes properly. You are a sorry excuse for a cyclist.
@Marcus
Course not, I've never done one of those stupid, 498th place gets a fucking medal, get your photo on a cereal box, hero in your own jockstraps mass drownings dressed up as a sporting event. You, on the other hand are handily providing insight into something most people in their right mind avoid the same way they'd avoid sexual contact with large African animals, or trying to get on Frank's bike.