Categories: Look Pro

Look Pro, Part VI: Move Sur la Plaque

GilBEAR takes it onto the big ring

There’s something not quite the same about how the Pros climb and how we climb. They go faster, I suppose. There’s that. They’re skinnier, too, and climb better for their weight to boot. And they’re stronger, that probably helps although I can’t speak from personal experience. I’ve also noticed that while under pressure, theirs is still a Magnificent Stroke, while ours typically start tracing the lines of the Hurt Box. Their cadence exudes Fluidly Harmonic Articulation and hardly seems to notice changes in gradient; whereas the slightest change in pitch brings us to erratically dissonant chaos.

We can go slower and with a less Magnificent Stroke, and still look pretty cool doing it. Speed is relative, and so long as no one else is around, we can look like we’re going fast, too. And we can rock our shoulders and grimace and do it all like the Pros. And then we can practice and practice and practice but there will still be a fundamental element missing, a certain je ne c’est quoi.

And that brings us to Part VI in our Look Pro series.

You know that part of the climb near the top? That part where it gets less steep? That part where you ease back and bask in the pain of a job well done? That’s the part where the Pros move Sur la Plaque. In case you don’t speak the language of the peloton, that’s French for, “Put that thing in the big ring, fucktard.”

Aside from a willingness to suffer more than anyone else in the most painful discipline in cycling, the key to being a good climber is to continue to pile coals on the fire as you approach the top of the climb and power over the crest. Per Richard Virenque, 7-times (give or take, its not worth looking up) winner of the competition in the Tour where some sadistic asshole puts a sprint at every hill they can measure:

You have to be able to move sur la plaque as soon as you’re at the top. I generally change gear 300m from the top.

That makes it almost the same as a fact, so take it from Tricky Dicky and think about these points next time you’re shopping at the Five and Dime:

Getting air back in your lungs can wait until the way down. Power over the top and you’ll shed 3/4 of the riders you’re with.
Your body is governed by ancillary concerns like “stopping the intolerable pain” and “not dying”. Those types of concerns have no place in cycling. Like training a dog, the only solution is to teach your body to stop fussing so much by going harder.
Your body gets used to the rhythm of your cadence and will send signals discouraging you from lifting it as the gradient eases. This is what the shifters are for. Use them to fool your body, assuming your body is as much of a dumbass as mine.
Two cogs roughly equals the big ring. If you’re going to shift twice, forget the right shifter and go for the left.
As you approach the top of the hill, casually exaggerate the motion of your left hand as you cram it into the big ring and rise out of the saddle to power through. The riders who managed to stay with you will wimper right before the elastic snaps.

Come to think of it, it’s no wonder Maillot a Pois competition is dominated by dopers.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Blah says:

Apr 30 2011 at 12:54 am

Eightzero:
as your cardio system screams "hey, I saw this part of The Temple of Doom too. Thanks for volunteering us to be sacrifice, shit for brains. Now sit your ass down while I call 911 and have them check your donor card." or something like that.

Hehehehehehehehe. Sweet.
il ciclista medio says:

Apr 30 2011 at 12:58 am

Nicely articulated frank.

I love climbing. I know I'm nowhere near the level of the Pro's as you so eloquently wrote of frank, but there is something about pulling my fat arse over a crest that is deeply satisfying as a cyclist. Trying to garner enough energy for that last big effort, while reaching into the depths of the V cabinet, finding it (sometimes) and then being able to surge forward, up and over that last part of the peak, gives me a climbone, which I enjoy while coasting back down.
frank says:

Apr 30 2011 at 9:47 am

@il ciclista medio
Yeah, climbing seems to be the holy grail. Don't get me wrong, I love me a nice ride through rolling countryside - the rhythm, the flow, the smell of cowshit - but the challenge of both mental and physical toughness presented by a climb is the biggest one presented in cycling. I am bad at it, but sometimes I climb well for my weight, and there's rarely stronger sense of accomplishment than after tough climb. Loves me that shit.

@Eightzero
A+1
Nate says:

Apr 30 2011 at 12:35 pm

Very nice work, all. My legs are twitching to lay it down sur la plaque over a crest or two later this afternoon. Favorite variation is to come up a super steep (>12%) climb, feel about to die at the top of the steep, continue the effort onto the false flat, and start flying.
Collin says:

Apr 30 2011 at 2:03 pm

Climbing is the essence of the bike. Climbing separates a cyclist from a "bike rider". Ann Arbor is considered "hilly", where "hill" means at most 100ft of gain. My friends commute around on their bikes, but don't when it snows, and they complain about the "hills". They think enjoying going *up* hill is madness.

Blowing past someone on a climb like they're standing still -- or even just slowly dropping them -- is one of the great thrills of riding. Anyone on this site probably drops 75% of the people on a climb simply because they want to lock themselves into a dark place, the Hurt Box.
Collin says:

Apr 30 2011 at 2:10 pm

I was describing the climb up Mt. Baldy, featuring in ToC this year, to my friend I was riding with. It went like this:

"You gain over 600m in about 6km. There are switchbacks of 12+% and the turns are far steeper. The last 400m is 17+%. You start the climb and have your heart spike to 180bpm and you want to die for the next 40 minutes. The final pitch is humiliating as you're out of the saddle and having your body explode. Your whole body goes numb and you can't really think. Then you're at the top. Then on the descent you hit 50mph, all the turns are unbanked hairpins. You grab the brakes and pray."

What a fucking glorious thing that climb is.
GluteCramp says:

Apr 30 2011 at 2:39 pm

So the literal translation of the title of this post is "Look Pro Part VI: Move with that thing in the big ring, fucktard"? :-)

I have a mate who climbs well (it helps that his nickname was 'skeletor' because, well, he looked like an evil cartoon character from the He Man series), who used to piss people off when climbing. Just before he'd catch people, he shift to an easier gear, so that, as he passed them, they could see him shift up and ride away. It would mentally destroy the poor bloke he just passed, who in reality wasn't going much slower than him. A nasty trick, especially when doing it to mates (ie, me!). Very handy in race situations to make it look like you're stronger than you are.

Of course, PG doesn't need that sort of trick - he really is just going to blow the doors off everybody else! Oh how I wish I could climb well for my weight.
Netraam says:

Apr 30 2011 at 3:14 pm

I hate it to get passed on the hills in my area. It's not that I'm such a bad climber, but both my brother and my girlfriend are 15 kilograms lighter than me with the same length and that shows. I can go full-speed to the top of the low hills, but they are just faster without ending up as crushed as I.
Crashdummy says:

Apr 30 2011 at 4:22 pm

Souleur:
Something that takes my pain away nearly immediately at the top of the 20% gradient is when i post their names on my stem, when i hurt, i look down and remember but for a moment, slam that bastard in a bigger gear and apply Rule V aptly and bite my lower lip.

Not long after my father passed on I was doing a 24hr MTB race, body was hurting badly as the course got rougher and more rutted, it was freezing, 3am and I started to think of Dad in the last weeks and my pain became irrelevant. Im not sure if it is really Rule V but it works. when the sun came up on course that morning it was an amazing feeling, grief counselors should prescribe less couch time and more long hours in the saddle at max V.
Il buccaneero says:

Apr 30 2011 at 6:02 pm

I'm stuck in Florida most of the time and oh how I long for a big mountain. Ain't nothing but big ring riding around here, which is doubly difficult for me because I'm built to ride well when the rode turns upward. But summer arrives soon and North Carolina awaits...

Great article and commentary.