The Lexicon

Preferably made of orange patent leather.

A big, heavy beast of a rider who goes uphill like an angel with wings. Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash

Thanks to @fignons-barber.

The Spanish do this to promote sweating to counter the bloating effect caused by taking cortisone. Allegedly. We do it to fight off the bloating effect caused by eating and drinking too much.

See also: related video.

A Velominatus/a who is also a Velominatus/a’s significant other.

This is typically not due to any reduction in passion, due to outide factors that should be banished, like friends, family, or work.

This typically involves them sometimes feeling like they are playing second fiddle to The Bike.

After having failed to shave the guns, now sports a thatch that Chewbacca would be proud of.

A rider’s ability to channel The V is directly proportional to their V-Receptacle count. There are several known ways to increase one’s count, among them continued mediation on The V, Training Properly, consumption of Post-Ride Recovery Ales, and adherence to Rule 2 and Rule 3.

These are the simple truths of Cycling, compiled and maintained by the Velominati.

Often spotted gliding over cobblestones or mashing up the Koppenberg in the Big Ring in all kinds of weather. This one is not ours, but it bears inclusion here since we use it so much.

Just as the Illuminati would stage their fabled, and somewhat feared Cabals, the Velominati stage our own modern-day versions, the Cogals.  A meeting of like-minded misfits brought together by the promise of beer, preceded by a bike ride. A Cogal distinguishes itself from other group rides by the following criteria. First, Cogals are organized and supported through Velominati, though not necessarily a Keeper (legally speaking, however, we have no involvement, so if you crash or die, it’s your own problem. Second, a Cogal is a day-long undertaking that focuses 100% on the bike. The rides are categorized (Casually Deliberate, Rule 5, Rule 10, for example) but are long. This is what you’re doing today, nothing else; see Rule 4. Third, Cogals always include a session of Malted Recovery Beverage Consumption after the ride. Whenever possible, it should also include a pre-ride espresso.

We don’t strictly endorse their interpretation, but like the Catholics and Opus Dei, we recognize them as part of our own.

There is a pre-determined Coefficient of Difficulty for each Velominatus on each ride. Velominati are capable of registering their training regimen by a CoD being no less than V and working towards an intensity of  VV. The three Coefficients of Difficulty are V, V.V and VV. Thanks to @unversio.

The Rules are simultaneously simple and complex. They are consistent yet rife with contradiction. To embrace them all is to walk the path of La Vie Velominatus.

This can be used in many conversational instances or when in worship as a concluding word for prayers and hymns to the Great Gods of Cycling.  (This is not to be confused with the first initial and last name of Eddy’ Merckx’s son, Axel.)

No confusing read-out. No buttons to push. No debate as to what you need to do. Just look down, ruminate briefly on the message conveyed to your oxygen-starved brain and lactate-laden legs, and V the fuck outa there. What’s the gradient of the climb? V. How fast are you going?  V. What’s your heart rate doing?  Your V-max? You will instantly and unequivocally know the answer.

The Italians call this la posizione. The Flemish call this “riding your bike.”

This has evolved to take on the greater meaning it holds within the Velominati. (Pronounced “The Five”.)

The Anti-V manifests itself in an absence of those things we love most about cycling: a combination of guts, class, and panache. Wheel-sucking, bragging, and poor sportsmanship are examples of the Anti-V. (Thanks to KitCarson.)

As kindly demonstrated hmyah.

Thanks to Roadslave525.

But remember this: this is a bank with steep inactivity fees. Thanks to King Clydesdale

This individual misinterprets the humor and intent behind The Rules and has likely missed their daily dose of humility and humor. They are also not likely to actually ride a bike very much or very well. See also: Adrian. Thanks to Jonathan via @CyclingTips.

While church goers will dress in their Sunday Best for a sermon, when a Cyclist goes to worship in bad weather, they dress in their Flandrian Best.

After a Rule 9 ride, the contrast between one’s clean and grit-covered skin is directly proportional to how awesome the ride was.

Also applies to any other matter of Good Taste and Sensibility where extremes are unpalatable.

Whether its the white Tuscan roads of the Strade Biancha, the roughly graded clay backroads of Northern Minnesota, or the stone gravel mountain passes of the Rocky Mountains, the Graveur knows some of the best riding is to be had off the beaten path of tarmac. A Graveur’s rig generally resembles a CX bike modified slightly for longer rides higher speeds, but can also be a road bike with extra-wide and durable tires.

How much hurt have your legs absorbed, and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment. Whatever you’re doing now, can only be sustained for V more minutes. Own your guns.

Thanks to Collin

This is most acutely felt in the presence of rough cobblestones. Thanks to @BianchiDenti

This can be either deep dish rims or handbuilt three-cross spoked wheels. (thanks to TexasRouleur).

The localised swelling resulting from looking at pictures of switchback-laden mountain passes like the Stelvio. (Thanks to @Bianchi Denti.)

A model of punishment wherein a competitor is sanctioned for abusing the system while still technically staying within the specific guidelines.

The spotted jersey given in the drug-riddled King of the Mountains competition at the Tour de France.

A universal acknowledgement that one is out of form and overweight, while at the same time asserting that you are following a strict training plan and diet and that when you do peak – in two months – you will dish out pain in overwhelming proportions. See also: related video. (Thanks to Andrew)

Also may mean to imply that you are in training and approaching form.

This figures heavily into the assertion that you are only being passed on a climb because you are following a strict training regimen.  See also: related video.

The assertion that one is overweight and will not be able to climb well. See also:related video. (Thanks to Andrew)

The assertion that despite your size, you are still a reasonable climber.  See also:related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)

The assertion that one is not sporting a protruding gut but is in fact using a highly sophisticated respiration technique called diaphragmatic breathing.

See also: related video. (Thanks to Steampunk)

Pedal stroke.

One who is always on a recovery ride everytime you go out for a spin because they ‘hit it so hard the previous day’. Of course, no one is ever with them when they actually do a hard ride.  See also Train Properly. (Thanks to Souleur)

The commute is seen as a way to prove their manhood by wheel-sucking, or blasting past on their squeaky MTBs whilst wearing a YJA.  Never says ‘hello’. Considers fellow commuters to be their competition and sworn enemies.

Only they know where the intermediate sprints, KOM and finish line is, and they are never beaten.

The riding position of a cyclist whose bars are placed absurdly high.  (Thanks to Gillis.)

Commonly made by CyclingNews.com technical editor, James Huang, whose reviews are sometimes nothing but cliche-riddled re-hashs of manufacturers press release. An example of a Huangism is a statement like “laterally stiff, vertically compliant”.

The process of gaining weight after becoming a parent due to a shift in priorities.

A spouse’s assertion that any promise made towards post-ride activity will be superseded by laying on the couch, complaining about your guns. (Thanks to Marcus)

See also Pharmstrong, Veino, Pharmstrong, Contador, Pharmstrong, Piti, Johan Bruyneel, Pharmstrong, Ricco, Hein Verbrugge, and Pat McQuaid – depending on your perspective. (Thanks to Geof)

Wearing full matching white rainbow jersey with white rainbow bibs, and then being crapped out of the back of the bunch when the road goes uphill, as Mario Cipollini did in the 2002 Giro d’Italia.

Specifically, the increasing in size of one’s gonads to gargantuan proportions when exposed to rainbows, as was the case with Cadel Evans.

Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.

Made by the only company willing to do such a thing, Mavic.

Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler. Thanks to @RedRanger for the photo.

Preferably made of patent-leather and by an Italian cobbler.

Thanks to Omar for his Batman-inspired dissertation.

The combination of white and black in a fine Italian patent leather shoe, as perfectly demonstrated  here.

Mouth agape, snarling, dishing out the V. (Thanks to BigRingRiding.com)

“The last time I climbed it a butterfly flew through my front wheel completely unscathed.” (Thanks to Cyclops)

“Hincapie was really out of dish blaming the others in the break for not chasing. What a COTHO!”  (Thanks to Cyclops)

This refers to the symbiotic relationship between oneself and one’s machine. It is characterised by an immovable torso combined with effortlessly gliding pedal rotations. A revelation of harmony and elegance for you resulting in high doses of Rule 5 pain for your fellow riders. This is a state only obtainable when peaking, and is sometimes referred to as La Volupte. (Thanks to Marcus for twisting Jørgen Leth’s words as narrated in The Impossible Hour.)

An Adrian also exhibits poor spelling and grammar while attempting to make points.

See also, Steel is Real. (Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed)

A Velominatus’ domestic partner’s reference to The Craft, who obviously does not understand The Work we do nor have any appreciation for Rule 11. A sample “That Fucking Bike” conversation may be reviewed here. (Thanks to Roadslave525)

See also Hasidic Handlebars. (Thanks to McSqueak.)

“Look how clean the tape is on that dude’s drops! He must be a Belgian Style specialist.”

This is a wily creature who always figures out a way to satiate the need for expensive kit using low-cost means. (Thanks to Cyclops)

Penance is paid in the form of hill repeats and heavy helpings of The V. (Thanks to Geof)

A rider who insists on pointing out and scolding riders in a group who fail to ride with fenders, pointing out the many reasons they should do so in the future.

The system is a  repeatable and reliable process to ensure you Look Fantastic wearing fundamentally ugly objects on your head: the front should be low to the eyes, sides running close to the ears, and the back no deviating below the nape of the neck. More details here.

The mushroom-like appearance of wearing a bicycle helmet too high upon the head. (Thanks to Collin.)

This is true whether they are on the bike, off the bike and is exhibited by a sharp dress sense and air of confidence. Details here.

I’m showing you my new bike and you say: bel mezzo!  (Thanks to Pedale Forchetta.)

This is usually prior to a ride in an effort to stay properly hydrated. Thanks to Jeff in PetroMetro

The fashionable “in” look of the Spring season whereby the cyclist’s face is caked with mud in the tradition of the Spring Classics.  Note: any mud will do, not just Flandrian mud.  (Thanks to BIGRINGRIDING.)

See also Flanders Facial.

See also Flanders Facial.

Them’s fightin’ words!  A Velominatus’ version of the “Gentleman’s Duel” of the past.

The monolithic protuberance rising above one’s waist and below one’s rib cage which is a source of explosive power.  Ironically, it is the opposite of a six pack but typically acquired by drinking beer. (Thanks to Minion.)

Derived (read:taken wholesale) from the Dutch word for moped.

Thanks to ZachOlson.

When something can be none more black, like the color of your kit, frame, saddle, tires, or your soul.

(Literally, to move sur la plaque means to move onto the plate, or the BIG RING.)

This is best emphasized as you hammer on your Old Skule steel. e.g “I dropped a half dozen Carbon Craplets on the River Road sprint.” Thanks to Ray Bransky.

This requires whole body commitment to Sur La Plaque; a profound Knowledge of Rule 85 and Rule 64 are especially important. Thanks to Wilbur. (We wish his name sounded more Rule Fivish for recommending such a cool lexi entry.)

Inspired by Pedro Delgado’s 1989 late Tour start (as defending champion.)

This mentor teaches and guides us in the finer ways of our Sport.

Specifically as it related to predicting if a rider’s less-than-stellar pre-TdF form foretells disaster or represents a ploy to fool rivals. Thanks to Xyxax.

Getting low and aero on standard road bars as if they were riding on aerobar extensions, ala Fabian Cancellara. Thanks to Joe.

Usually involuntarily and often a result of some action involving That Fucking Bike. This can also be a deliberate, voluntary pre-race preparation technique in the spirit of Sean Kelly. Thanks to Buck Rogers.

Consumed after a hard ride to restore carbohydrates, proteins, sugars, and Awesome to the body.

Particularly one who has yet to make the most of his ability. It is the velomotion that daren’t speak its name. (Thanks to Marcus)

We’re all peaking in two months; set your male insecurities aside and train harder, jackhole. (Thanks @Jen)

(Thanks to @Mcsqueek)

The guy who bridges up to you on a ride, usually a climb, wearing items like khaki shorts, a camelback, and clip-ons, breaking any given number of Rules and then proceeds to ride you off his wheel. (Thanks @sgt and @Nate)

The inefficient and aesthetically displeasing setup leading to a sit up and beg riding position. This also applies to any unnecessary stack of spacers piled above the stem, like some sort of Rule 45 safety-chute. (Thanks to @VeloVita)

Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider

Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by@Daccordi Rider

Since gruppo is an Italian word, the only gruppo is Campagnolo. Shimano is a Group-San, and SRAM is a Bro-Set. Thanks to Ken Horsnby as nominated by @Daccordi Rider

Every Velominatus knows their guns aren’t their arms (carry those gallons of milk in one at a time, we don’t want to build up too much upper body mass, Hercules) but their legs. And we all know the way to make our bikes go faster is to push harder on the Gun Decks, also known as pedals. Thanks to @Conor via email.

This could also apply the white R1’s as Onyx technically refers to a spectrum of colors. In any case, these shoes set the standard.

The onset of a sense of hopelessness characterized by irritable and manic behavior as access to cycling coverage decreases suddenly from daily to weekly (or less). Treatments include Rule 5, riding, and Rule 5. Thanks to @Ron.

Also referred to as the CSS, the Cycling Shit Sandwich is characterized by an event which begins with prolonged near-drowning and ends with trying to outrun the slowest person in your vicinity. May also involve a conclusive demonstration of a lack of motor skills. Thanks to @ralph.

Its a scientifically proven fact that people are more charismatic when drinking alcohol. Alcohol is also a poison. Thus, drinking makes us charismatically poisoned. Thanks to Mikael Liddy.

This leaves furry patches above the shorts line that look like Chewbacca got stuck thigh-deep in a pool of Nair.

Once you start shaving your legs, can you stop anywhere short of giving yourself a Brazilian, waxing your chest (men only, obviously), and shaving your eyebrows and head?

This is the critical point at which all speed has been coaxed from your machine and you have wrung the top end out of your block. “I hit escape velocity on that descent and I had to break out my LeMond tuck.”

The Keepers understand that from time to time, some riders will violate a Rule or two because of their personal situation. If this is the case, we understand you might do it, but don’t fucking brag about it. Also like masturbation, it is best done where no one can see you and too much of it will make you go blind. Thanks to @Marcus.

Thanks @Beers for this one.

Training in winter on your usual hardman chainset of 53×42 is bad for your knees. Changing to a Flemish Compact during VVinter will help spare them. Or, as Museeuw said, “I don’t like the 50T on compacts. It is not big enough for climbing.”

Only those who have experienced the burning pain of a saddle sore will understand where this notion comes from.

The Velominati observe His birthday, June 17, in our own ways. Some stage Cogals, others ride in wool jerseys, others just pour an ounce of Tripel on the ground in his honor. (But seriously, don’t spill beer.)

Pronounced Survive on Five.

The rapid (and often debilitating) build-up of lactic acid in the guns when, in the glorious haze of the Five and Dime, you hit a climb in the big ring which is both longer and steeper than your puny guns can feasibly conquer in the 53t.Ӭ Often accompanied by much wimpering, weaving about the road. Thanks to @maxim.

Referring to the erroneous use a ghost go button or of the inner shift lever when transferring between Gruppo, Group-san, or Bro-Set equipped bikes. Thanks to @CarlyJ.

Thanks to Will Benton.

See A Sunday in Hell for clarity.

In honor of its place as the steed of choice during Rule #9 Conditions.
Thanks to Nik.

The Ancients of Mount Velomis considered the fifth day of the fifth month to be the convergence of the Two Fives and the most sacred day of the year. It is also recognized as the official Velominati New Year, a day for reflection on our weakness and an opportunity to renew our resolve to improve on them.

Thanks to @unversio.

More specifically, to be so absurdly hard as to ride a Himalayan pass on a modified rickshaw from sea level, thereby transcending all Rules but Rule #5 and presumably Rule #10.

By the time your overshoes are as tall as a stripper’s Go-Go boots, it’s time to reconsider your life.

Evident in individuals whose condition is so fucking awesome that their gun definition makes a gap under their bibshorts. *Thanks to @harminator.

Based on a passage from the fantastic book by Paul Fournel’s, Need for the Bike which in spite of its entirely Rule-Breaking cover photo is perhaps the most perfect collection of Cycling essays ever written.

Velominati’s rogue research team which bases its conclusions primarily on malted beverage-assisted “assertive guessing” in favor of “fact” or “science”.