I thought I was the only one. It was a truth I admitted to myself only in the darkest hours of the night, when you lie awake and are faced by those haunting thoughts that are otherwise whisked away before they float to the surface.
But now, I can say it: I am afraid of crashing. Especially of equipment failure. I never climb aboard my bike without having made a cursory check of all important parts: inflate the tires, check the headset, check the brake pads, bolts and cables, check the quick-releases. (There is something in the name “Quick-Release” that unnerves me and forces me to harbor a doubt that they will release suddenly and unexpectedly.)
I’ve been particularly nervous about it the last week or so. This year, I’ve noted that I’m descending and cornering faster; my confidence in my bike handling skills having skyrocketed since picking up mountain biking again. In the last week, I switched to a new pair of shoe (the White Ladies, passed on to me by John), and since doing so I’ve occasionally been clipping out of my inside pedal when leaning into a turn. It turns out that having your foot attached to your pedal contributes considerably towards staying upright. (On a side note, I wonder what the connection is there?)
Crashing is part of cycling and, like most of us, I’ve spent my time on the tarmac. Sometimes bad, sometimes not so bad. Like the time when I borrowed an English friend’s bike and pulled on the front break instead of the rear. And the time I overshot a corner racing my sister down a mountain in New York. Sometimes you pick yourself up and ride home, other times you head to the hospital.
The risks increase when racing, of course, and the scariest of all my crashes was the first time I went down in a bunch during a race. (I’d like to take this moment to thank the guy who thought he’d win the race by going through a non-existent gap from the middle of the field in the middle of the race.) The first time you find yourself suddenly laying on the road being hit and fallen on by other cyclists is a moment that is occupied not by any realization of what is happening but instead by trying to assemble the fragments of information being sent to your brain. You first become aware of what happened after you stop moving and continue to hear the wheels whizzing by your head as the rest of the riders (hopefully) avoid the carnage. The feeling of helplessness is particularly acute as the desire to remove yourself from the road washes over you.
But watching the Pros, they seem to take it in stride. I long held the view that after crashing so often, they have grown accustomed to it and generally don’t mind hitting the deck. They are hardened by the reality of their occupation and get on with their job. But I was happy to read a piece in the New York Times that said otherwise. Jens Voigt, cycling legend, hardman extraordinaire, and Velominati hero, is also afraid of crashing, as it turns out. Not only that, but so are the other Pros.
No matter how long you’ve been in this sport, there’s always that fear of crashing in the back of your mind, especially in the rain.
Crashing, as we are all aware of, is not a very pleasant experience. Everybody is scared of it, no matter who they are.
Not a very pleasant experience? There’s an understatement. I would say that crashing ranges anywhere from “Sucking” to “Fucking Terrifying” on the “Bad Things That Happen” scale.
That that in mind, take this spectator video of Boonen’s crash in the Tour of California. The riders yelling just before the fall, and the distance they slide is rattling. The callousness of the fan who scampers over to pick up Boonen’s bike with no interest in the rider’s well being before yelling at his friend to photograph him “quick” like it’s some sort of trophy is staggering.
Obviously not a cyclist, that one, because cyclists cringe and relive their own crashes any time they see a fellow Velominatus go down.
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@Souleur
That sounds like an awful crash. Makes me second-guess my Sweep! I rode over a dog once. The dog lost. (I am a dog person, this really bothered me.) Back in my Nordic ski racing days, dogs would go bananas when they'd see me roller-skiing (which is the lamest pass-time in the world. Realizing this, I picked up cycling.)
@Rob
Absolutely. And, always remember. Watch where you want to go; not where you don't want to go. If you stare at the mailbox, you'll hit the mailbox.
@frank
So true. I've been preaching that for years to whitewater paddling students. It's also a handy metaphor for life.
@Andrew
Fortunately there are powders and pills for my aliments but yours are beyond redemption - tell the boys here about your dawg thing!
@ Rob: Agreed!
@ Frank: I later went back to the owner that evening, he witnessed the crash, and at the time I told him I would be back to kill his dog. I know what he was thinking when I pulled up his driveway that evening, but we had a civil conversation. Forgiveness is another part of the equation I found to be quite helpful. I had to let go of my anger and just ride it off. Quite actually, the dog was probably just out for a 'play', big...dumb and clumbsy like many of my friends, but if I were to be ill-prepared that day I would have been hurt worse.
The reality: I will crash again and think of it everytime I shave my legs in preparation of digging gravel and crap out of them
@Andrew
I have long felt that Rob must be too good to be true.
I suspect he is in fact a Russian Prostitute who is embroiled in a hopelessly complicated plot to garner a Green Card into the US.
@Frank
Considering how much riding I've done, moto and pedal powered, you'd think I'd be some super rider. Trust me, I'm not. I'm no better then average. Riding in the dirt, I push it a bit at times (for me), but take no crazy chances. Jumper I am not. I'm the total XC geek. When I occcasionally race mountain bikes, 45+ Sport class, I'm hanging off the back of the pack.
When I was a kid and raced motorcycles, same deal - off the back hanging on for life. I have no natural talent for this stuff, but still dig it.
On the road, I will give myself credit for being good at reading traffic and knowing what other people are going to do. Part of that comes from riding motorcycles on the street. You really gotta pay attention to what's going on. Even so, have there been times I should have been tagged by a car? Sure, a few, but I lucked out. Nobody is invincible. Even driving a car, I'm good at looking ahead and reading the situtation. Same for scanning the road or trail ahead. That would be my only strong point.
Man, the talk of failing stems and other hardware - that scares the crap out me. Having a stem, handlebar or fork snap - ugly. Sometimes when I bombing a hill at 40+ mph, I think about that carbon steerer tube holding it all together....
Every time we lift one leg over the top tube, we automatically sign a contract with ourselves, and everyone we car about/is around us/knows us that we will come back in one piece.
We have all been in the situation where someone else on a training ride bombs down hills like their bike is made out of U-237, and you struggle to catch on. Eventually, you start disregarding your own safety and skill-set to reach this dude, and you either succeed, or fail. If you succeed, just like in a video game; you have just gained a few more experience points and leveled up. If not, you know that you were testing the odds, and risking everything you have.
One of my first road bike rides ever included a really twisty downhill averaging 12% for 900m, laden with grit, gravel, and hairpin turns. I ended at the bottom of the hill a minute or so slower than the collegiate racer I was with. I asked him what his technique is when he hits spots like this.
His reply?
"Are you one with your maker?"
'Yes.'
"Just go, and leave the rest to the lord."
BEST ADVICE EVER.
@Jarvis I looked at the crash video again. (I've got some perverse fascination with watching myself hit the asphalt. I must have watched the thing 100 times.) I don't see anyone not in the drops. High front ends? Well, it was a masters race.
I'm a noob when it comes to road racing. I just got my Cat 5 license. I used to fancy myself a speed demon until I crashed a street luge about five years ago at around 55mph. I gave up the BMXing, gravity bikes, et al. and turned to road bikes for my speed fix. A couple of summers ago I was on a training ride with a bunch of Cat 1/2 types and after a rest at the top of a 20 mile climb I was the first one to head back down. Going into a corner at about 45 mph I found myself basically tucked under the armpit of one of the Cat 1's and there was some sandy gravel in the corner and I watched his line slide toward the outside of the curve about three feet and it didn't even phase him. However it unnerved me and I guess I was pretty tensed up because farther down the road I got the hellacious speed wobbles which fortunately I was able to get under control. But since then I can't descend worth a shit because I'm scared out of my mind. A new (stabler) frame has started to build my confidence back up but I still get a little wigged out when the speeds get over 50 mph. Oh well, it's a good thing races are rarely won descending cause then I would be screwed going up and down. :)