I’m a non-climber who enjoys climbing. I’d enjoy it more if I was good at it. And “enjoy” might be too strong a word, “tolerate” might be better. But dragging 89 kilos up a volcano gives one time to contemplate the cycling life .
Let us define non-climber. It’s someone either too fat, too big (gravitationally challenged) or a fast- twitching sprinter. Not liking to suffer does not make you a non-climber. As the moto camera drifts down the peloton on the Ventoux, it’s still the guys at the back who are dying the worst. Finishing within the time limit for the non-climber requires a trip deep into the cave-o-pain.
For the cyclist, the power-to-weight ratio (watts generated/body weight in kg) is king, especially when the road goes up. A large improvement in the power side of the formula is tough, we have already chosen our damn parents and cursed inheriting their vestigial hearts and lungs. Yes, this number should be honed to its finest edge, it can be nudged up but not a lot.
The weight side of the equation is completely changeable and under our control.
Lose some weight, you fat bastards. Yes, I’m talking to you. The most important thing to improve climbing, by far, is to lose some weight. Do you need dramatic proof? Put a known weight (2 liter bottles of water) into a knapsack and do a regular route. The hills will be bad, very bad. Now imagine losing that same two or four kilos. The difference can be just as impressive. When I’m at a decent riding weight, climbing out of the saddle for extended periods is not a problem. I’m still slow but gravity is not demanding I put my ass on the saddle. Losing body weight is free; one looks better on and off the bike. Your friends will hate you. What is the down side? Oh right, it takes self-control and not drinking as much alcohol as life requires.
Don’t carry extra weight on the bike. If you really don’t need a second large bidon, don’t carry that 0.8kg. That’s more than the difference between super-light climbing wheels and regular road wheels. For reasons I’ll never understand, a bike that is one kilo lighter seems noticeably faster than the one kilo saved from a bidon. So yes, N+1 can be invoked but it’s much cheaper to just leave that second bottle at home.
LeMan said the key to climbing was to relax…easy for him to say when he had the heart and lungs of three Velominati. But Rule #10 is Rule #10 so meditate on relaxing while dancing uphill. Find a little rhythm. Click up into a longer gear, pop out of the saddle, shift back down, park it back in the saddle.
Find a gear you can turn over comfortably. As we all know, Dr Ferrari was the one to get Lance to spin up climbs. It’s tough to know where the EPO stopped and the spinning started but it did seem to work for him. While some may argue for climbing in the big chainring, for us non-climbers, climbing in the saddle and spinning a gear will get us up faster and with less collateral damage.
The best part of climbing as a non-climber is that we are out there, doing it. The Stelvio, hell yeah, it’s going to take a little longer to get up there but we will do it. We don’t stop, we don’t put a foot down. We suffer like you-know-who on you-know-what but we still do it with a stupid smiles on our faces.
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
Great advice, thanks! I'll remember those sagely words as I drag my 95kg carcass up the granfondo Stelvio in June!!
First to post yeeha. I actually liked this article. Talking sense for a change, agreed the lighter you get the more awesome you feel dancing up the hill...and of the bike. Another tip for the non climber is just to hit them regularly whether you like them or not you'll get used to them.
A solution: get yourself a climbing friend like Dino. I, a non climber, would always fall victim to Dino's pathological lies about the length and steepness of upcoming climbs. "Just a short hill, no problem" would turn into some monster HC beast usually populated by angry dogs hellbent on eating your leg.
It never failed though, right at the worst part of the hill, it would suddenly get easy. There would be Dino with his hand on my back pushing me up the hill.
The world needs more Dino's.
I remember something Wiggo said a while back about climbing - just look 10 metres ahead and keep spinning, if you look to the top of the climb, your will instantly feel worse!
Even as a climber (I suppose that's what I am at 182 cm, 72 kg) As winter starts thinking about turning to spring (I'm going to kill the next groundhog I see), I've shed some of that holiday eating of which I partook. I'm stunned at the difference it has had on my climbing. All in all from the holiday eating I have shed 4.5 kg. Massive difference, for already being a decent climber.
It's a bit of a motivating factor in itself now, and makes it easier to turn down the brownie, cookie or giant over priced calorie heavy latte..... "Hell no, not eating that! That shit will slow me down!!"
Great article! Reminds of dragging my 120k ass up the ventoux, allready lost 12 and aiming for 20! can't wait to go back there again and see my new time! Rule#10
So far this (shitty) winter, I've kept my weight just about where I want it for my 1.85m frame - 82kgs. Looking forward to dropping around 4kg once the weather improves and the season gets going. We don't have a lot of hills here in SE Wisconsin, but what we have are easier and my gear fits better if I'm lighter = win-win.
Even though I generally despise climbing, at 188 cm and 73 kg I'm pretty damn good at it. The big dudes who leave me in the dust on the flats end up looking at my skinny ass receding in the distance once we get to the hills.
@Darren H
Yeah, this is why long straight climbs always seem worse than ones with bends in the road where you can't see the whole thing.
@Dfitz
You lucky bastid! It's still on my dream list. Doing it with 5000 of my best Italian friends, that would be magnificent.
@Jon
"Talking sense for a change" yeah, don't get used to it. It's not our brand. Are you with me fellas?
Still, you are right, get on those hills, work on your weakness, not your strength.