Categories: FolkloreLook ProNostalgiaTechniqueThe HardmenTradition

Look Pro: The Hunchbacks of Notre V

The flat back position is perhaps the greatest lie ever told in sport, provided you ignore any of the racing we’ve seen in the last decade or two.

It is possible, I suppose, that when we talk about a flat back, what we really mean is that on an elementary level, all curves are really just a series of straight segments connected at an angle; while a rider’s back may look arched, it really is flat in an existential sense.

Because no one really rides with a flat back. Even riders who famously rode with a flat back, like Greg LeMond, actually rode with only the upper portion of their backs flat. In fact, the only rider I can think of who was as happy as a Texan in an Amgen factory while riding with a truly flat back was The Gypsy himself. It bears mentioning, however, that a search through the Velominati Archives shows only intermittent evidence of him riding with a truly flat back.

If you’ve ever tried to get your back completely flat, you’ll have noticed that it feels awful. Your shoulders tense up, your hips roll forward. It certainly doesn’t do your bits any favors. As you try to accelerate, your shoulders and hips tense up even more in an effort to keep the back as flat as possible.

There is a very simple explanation for this: The V abhors a straight line; it requires smooth curves in order to flow freely from the various V-Receptacles spread throughout your body and into the guns where it is processed and converted into Monumental Devastation.

As you pursue the V-Locus, keep the following points in mind:

The key to a Magnificent Stroke is to find a tension-neutral position on the bike.
Let your hips find their natural position. It will likely be somewhat vertical, causing your lower back to arch.
Tension is the enemy. Relax your shoulders, elbows, hips, and neck. Even relax your fingers if you find them trying to strangle the bars.
Like a Jedi uses the Force, let the power of The V flow from your arms through your lower back and hips, and down into the cannons.
The harder you are hammering and the closer you are to achieving nuclear V-ission, the more important it becomes to keep your back and shoulders relaxed; you are wasting precious energy on staying tense. Use that energy to fire the the guns instead.

And yes, Cycling is hell for your posture. If that’s what you’re after, take up yoga.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/frank@velominati.com/Flat Backs/”/]

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Marko says:

Dec 3 2012 at 2:18 pm

@strathlubnaig

Interesting post, though the 'priest' line looked a bit contrived, perhaps even a bit flat too. Not sure why that was needed.

Indeed. This would have given it that extra pizazz you require maybe?

"..the only rider I can think of who was as happy as a Catholic priest alone in a Preschool..."
Marcus says:

Dec 3 2012 at 2:27 pm

@strathlubnaig

agree

@frank

@Marko
Whilst I shouldnt be one to throw stones when it comes to cautioning on offensive comments, c'mon, go easy on the priest/kiddy calls - you can do better (but I cant). Why not just say, "as happy as Minion and Marcus at a sheep shearing and sharing convention".
Marko says:

Dec 3 2012 at 2:31 pm

@Marcus

@strathlubnaig

agree

@frank

@Marko
Whilst I shouldnt be one to throw stones when it comes to cautioning on offensive comments, c'mon, go easy on the priest/kiddy calls - you can do better (but I cant). Why not just say, "as happy as Minion and Marcus at a sheep shearing and sharing convention".

Because you have that covered so well already. How about "Happy as a Texan with a bagstage pass to big Pharma?"
Ron says:

Dec 3 2012 at 2:53 pm

"There is a very simple explanation for this: The V abhors a straight line;" Fucking ace! This sums things up nicely.

Yoga. The VMH has been trying to get me to do it for a few years. I'd like to. I need to be more flexible but after years and years of sports with little attention to proper warming up & cooling down, I don't see it happening. I'd still like to work on it. But not via yoga; I simply can't sit still that long, either for one long "pose" or one class.
Nate says:

Dec 3 2012 at 3:17 pm

If this isn't a flat back, I don't know what is.
frank says:

Dec 3 2012 at 3:45 pm

@Nate

(Pst! Click the link for the Gypsy up in the article.)

@Ron, @VeloVita

"There is a very simple explanation for this: The V abhors a straight line;" Fucking ace! This sums things up nicely.

Yoga. The VMH has been trying to get me to do it for a few years. I'd like to. I need to be more flexible but after years and years of sports with little attention to proper warming up & cooling down, I don't see it happening. I'd still like to work on it. But not via yoga; I simply can't sit still that long, either for one long "pose" or one class.

I've gone in and out of Yoga practice. You will never feel better in your body then when you're doing yoga, but time runs short and I fall out of practice. It does worlds for your core and overall strength.

Smoke 'em if you got em.

@strathlubnaig, @Marcus

You two need to take a remedial course in Rule #5. Lighten up, Francis.

I changed it, but not because there was anything wrong with the original joke; I changed it because @Marko's joke was fucking hilarious.
Marcus says:

Dec 3 2012 at 3:49 pm

@frank I have just started doing pilates and my instructor is a super hot former dancer - who i really hope doesn't read cycling websites. Even if it doesnt help me, I cant see myself stopping for a while.

"I am going to touch your sit bones quite often when you do this exercise. Are you ok with that?"
James says:

Dec 3 2012 at 4:00 pm

@frank

Can you disclose your core strength regimen?
sthilzy says:

Dec 3 2012 at 4:13 pm

Hunchback, this is me in a crit at the start of the year;

Thanks to growing up on a bike and slight case of Scheuermann's disease

Somedays riding with no problems, otherdays back so sore I can't stand straight getting off a bike.

Wish I could have done this to keep the back straight after a ride!
sthilzy says:

Dec 3 2012 at 4:15 pm

Then there's awesome Danny Clark;