The Rules
by The Keepers / Jun 1 2009 / 641 posts
We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known simply as, The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.
The Rules:
Obey The Rules.
It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.1
No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.
It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.
Free your mind and your legs will follow.
Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp. Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.
Saddles, Bars, and Tires3:
- Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
- Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
- Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
- Black, black, black
If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.
It never gets easier, you just go faster. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.”4
Family does not come first. The bike does.
The minimum number of bikes one should own is three. The correct number is
n+1, wherenis the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written ass-1, wheresis the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.
Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys, or accept that you will look like a douche.
Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.
Wearing team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it. If you must fly the colours of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
No road jerseys or Lycra bibs when riding off-road. (Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific kit.)
No mountain jerseys or baggies when riding on the road. (Cyclocross is a middle-ground. Best to wear cross-specific kit.)
The remedies:
- If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves.
- If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads.
- If you feel wimpy and weak, get out and train more, ya wee lassie!
Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants it.
Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping. Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks). Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable après-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag. 4
If it’s not cold or wet and you are still wearing shoe covers because you’re a pussy, your name is probably George Hincapie.
Speeds and distances shall always be referred to and calculated in kilometers. This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs. All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such the English system is forbidden.
The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car. Or at least be relatively more expensive. Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister.
There is definitely an “optimal” angle at which the pedals should be when photographing a bicycle. That angle depends on what the photo wants to say, but is probably around the 30 degree mark. Not 90 or 180.
Sock and short length should be like Golidlocks, not too long and not too short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.
Socks can be any damn colour you like. White is old school cool. Black is good, but once again were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long. DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.
Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
Ditto for frame-mounted pumps. Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets. The only exception to this rule is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame, with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay is both old skool and euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by Silca. It is acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels. However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head.
Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets, or in a converted bidon in a cage on bike.
Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this.
Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on their way to a Critical Mass.
Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place. On a mountain bike.
Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around. No visors on the road. If you want shade, see Rule 21.
Eyewear shall be cycling specific, i.e no Aviator shades or clip-on covers for reading glasses.
The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps. No exceptions. We don’t know why, it’s just the way it is.
You should never leave home without your eyewear. You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet. If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 20).
Tires are to be mounted with the label centered directly over the valve stem. Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities.
Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for maximum aero effect.9
A bike ride/race shall never be preceeded with a swim and/or followed by a run.
A rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.
A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.
Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar. Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have been insisting on doing.
The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy.
The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule 33.)
Facial hair is to be carefully regulated. No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.
Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms. You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead.
Padding or body armor of any kind is not allowed.
Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrail.
If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.
When wearing a cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.6
No stickers on your bike. Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war your against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI. See Rule 5 and ride your bike.
Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. You may as well go into your local shop and spit in the owners face. Online is evil and will be the death of the bike shop. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.
Hold your line.
You are not, under any circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that come with your inner-tubes or tubular tires. They are only supplied to meet shipping regulations. They are useless.
Under no circumstances may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only temporary until the condition has passed or been excised, and if you are hardman you would not change your saddle at all but instead just cut a hole in it to relieve pressure on your delicate derrière. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5 is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.7
You shall not ride with earphones. Cycling is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in whatever 80′s hair band you call “music”. See Rule #5 and ride your bike.8
Arm signals. Signal that a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.
Cornering confidence generally increases with time and experience. This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.
Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.10
Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest and damages.
Do your time in the wind; nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races (even Yellow Sign Sprints) are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.
Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were covered during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmph is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule 5 must be reviewed at once.7
Cycling shoes and bicycles are both made for riding. Ergo, any walking conducted while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmph, see Rule 68) one is to carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because you are on the Kopenberg. For clarification, see Rule 5.7
The purpose of competing is to win. End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule 5.11
Know how to train properly and stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition.
Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length, creating a perfect arc around the headtube and cross under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop and vice versa.
Computers, GPS, PowerTaps, SRMs; If you are not a Pro, then you don’t need a SRM or PowerTap. To paraphrase BSNYC, an amateur cyclist using a power meter is like hiring an accountant to tell you how poor you are. As for Garmins, how often do you get lost on a ride? They are bulky, ugly and superflous. Cycle computers should be simple, small and mounted on the stem. And preferably wireless.
Race numbers are for races. Remove it from your frame before the next training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.
When not worn, helmets are to be clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.
Respect the earth. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.12
When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine.13
You will never observe Rule 5 as much as Jens. The diamond industry is currently petitioning to move the standard measurement of the density of a diamond from “carat” to “Jens”. Preliminary studies show that the most perfect and hard diamond known to be in existence is 0.125 Jens. 14
Posts related to The Rules may be found here.
1 Thanks to Geof for this submission.
2 Stijn Devolder on Rule 5, in defense of staying in Belgium when his teammates went off to train in sunny Spain: “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not dead; It hardens your character.”
3 It is possible for experts to mix these matching guidelines successfully without breaking The Rules. This is a very risky undertaking and can yield unpredictable results. Proceed carefully and, if in doubt, run your configuration by the Keepers for approval.
4 Famous quote by Greg LeMond, former hardmand and current twatwaffle. Greg Henderson quote courtesy of Neil. (Incidentally, it does not matter how fast you go, but you may never give up.)
5 Thanks to James for his sound input on modifying this submission from it’s original draft which read, “An exception to wearing a cap when not riding is: If you have a soigneur (you don’t) and he places the cap on your head after you’ve just won a mountain top finish or soloed into the velodrome (you haven’t).”
6 Thanks to Rob for this submission.
7 Thanks to Rob (different from Rob in 6) for this submission.
8 Thanks to Saul at Speedy Reedy for this submission.
9 Thanks to BarryRoubaix for the astute observation regarding Time Trial Bikes.
10Thanks to Souleur for the astute observation regarding the Principle of Silence.
11 Thanks to Charlie for this addition.
12 Thanks to Jarvis and Steampunk for their tidy ways.
13 Thanks to Cyclops for this sensibly aesthetic addition.
13 Thanks to Velomihottie for pointing out the omission of this obvious Rule.
Submit your additions, subtractions and suggestions here.
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Whoah, going rule crazy these days. I like it. Couple things:
A. I don’t fully understand the spacer above the stem. Is there a mechanical benefit of some kind because I don’t see it? I know it looks cool but I’m not bought in. I may have to break this rule. My big phatty FSA carbone stem looks elegant without the spacer on top.
B. Since the Rules is getting to be a long list it may be time to clean it up. I’d suggest adding another list of terms. Rules 30 and 34 would apply.
@Marko
Regarding A: Having the steerer tube extend slightly above the top of the stem allows the stem to have a better grip on the fork, reducing stresses and the likelihood of damaging or breaking the steerer. Of course, this is particularly important for carbon steerers, but still applies to aluminum and steel steerers.
Regarding B: Yeah, we’ll probably have to look at condensing etc. Thanks for the suggestion.
Being accountable here: I am out of compliance with 22, 38, and kind of 35. All of which I will work to rememedy.
35 remedied.
@Marko
38 I mean. I’ve always been compliant with 35, that would have been embarrassing. However, the mounting instructions and the design of the k-wing do not facilitate compliance this rule.
@Marko
Let me ask you this: what’s more important, so-called “mounting instructions” or “The Rules”?
Besides, your comment almost makes it sounds like you read the instructions. I, on the other hand, am not a sissy and as such never, ever, read the instructions. (A side effect of this is that I also don’t know how to use a bunch of my stuff, but some things just can’t be helped.)
@frank
Ha! I’m only reading them really for torque specs on carbon fiber components and just happened to see the diagram. I know, it’s like reading playboy for the articles. Besides, I gotta use that cool spin doctor torque wrench someone paid $80 for a gift for me. I’m resisting jokes about “mounting instructions” and well, your mom.
@Marko
…aw jeeeeze…
Rule 40: The saddle must be completely horizontal determined by the use of a spirit level. There are no exceptions and if this is not possible then you need to keep shopping for saddles.
@Marko
While true in principle, actual saddle positioning is highly subjective and crucially important. This is also dependent on what saddle you ride, not to mention it’s shape. An Arione, for example, is nearly flat from tip to tail, so this is easy to accomplish. However, a Flite is a sway-backed saddle and as such “level” from tip to tail might result in unlevel portions where the boys come to rest. Further, a saddle like a Concor sweeps up in the rear and would render a level saddle position nearly impossible, or very uncomfortable. That said, a saddle tilted forward renders you a ninny; tilted backward, a masochist.
I would modify the rule as follows:
The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy.
Thoughts?
@Marko
On the subject of saddle rules:
Rule 41: The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule 33.)
As if Pharmstrong wasn’t a big enough Douche already, here he is, shamelessly breaking the Rules:
@frank
agreed on all points.
Added.
@brett
Rule 22: SHIT.
Oh no! Facial hair rule? I’m always unshaven, sometimes have an intentional dodgy mo, and more often than not sport a goatee (usually paired with a 3 day growth and/or sideburns of some persuasion). But… if I run the goatee in conjunction with a shaven, balding head, does that not bring into play the “Pirate clause”?
@brett
There is indeed a “Pirate Clause”. You automatically qualify when the #1 commentator on the site directly gives you “Pirate Cred”. “Unsaven” is also a loophole itself as it’s not technically a beard.
I’m not sure what a “dodgy mo” is, but it sounds like you might have to Harden the Fuck Up.
@brett
This is a very interesting look. I’m not sure if it adds balance to the sun glasses, the helmet cover, or the argyle. Perhaps a jersey that advertises “Mustache Rides: $1″ would be appropriate. And those sunglasses are more a state trooper look than anything. Maybe special forces.
I’m just gonna say right now, I am a flagarant breaker of the beard rule. Right now, I’m sporting a big-thick-northern-harden-the-fuck-up-beard. Of course I’m not really doing any cycling right now except on the rollers and I shave it off in the summer so I think I’m safe and in compliance. Beards are bad-ass in the winter when they ice up during a 10 degree ski. But that’s a rule for another blog and another sport.
@Marko
Yeah, these rules don’t apply to skiing, that’s for sure. Or for anyone who lives 3 kms from Magnetic North.
And for the record, Zabriskie is a habitual breaker of every Rule, cycling or otherwise. He fell off his bike in the Yellow Jersey. He has fucking life-size Marvel Comic statues. I’m not knocking the guy, but when the Laws of Physics don’t apply to you, neither do The Rules.
@frank
I’m not knocking him either. I think he’s cool. He’s funny as hell and fun to watch ride. And yeah, his brief foray into yellow in 05 (?) was interesting to say the least, crashing into barriers and all.
Rule #47 about brake lever position doesn’t make any sense. What about different degrees of distance to the drops? On a “compact” bar this might work, but on the deeper drop bar that I use, applying this rule would set my lever hoods halfway down the bend in an unusable and ridiculous looking position. It often works out that the bottom of the lever sits between 1-5cm above the bottom of the bar for an acceptable lever position.
@Josh
While I concede that perhaps the “no tolerances permitted” is a bit harsh, we here at the Velominati strive for “harsh but fair”.
I use deep drop bars as well and remedy this problem by tilting the bars back (but be careful, see rule #45). It’s possible that if you’re riding stubby little brakes like SRAM’s double-tap levers, perhaps you would find yourself outside these tolerances (but I would just argue that you shouldn’t use SRAM).
In reading the rule, however, I see that it is hopelessly vague, as it doesn’t specify what is meant by “the bottom of the bar”. If you assume the bottom is the the extension of the bar, then it still doesn’t specify if it needs to be level with the top or bottom of the tube.
I suppose that so long as the bottom of the lever breaks the plane of the extensions of the drop that you are still OK. I think that gives you roughly a 1cm tolerance.
Rule 45, surely someone has hacked in and overwritten this.
It should read:
No stem spacers permitted. Ever.
@szegerely
While we’re at it, lets just outlaw stems wholesale and just go back to mounting our handlebars right on the fork!
Referencing big Stijn in rule 5, worth updating to include his epic battle (and subsequent defeat) at the hands of a flying wheelie bin in the recent Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne?
Upon further reflection, I must take issue with Rule 51. I think Livestrong wristbands (although I do not wear one and have never owned one) do have a place in the cancer and cancer survivor community. I think it’s hard to underestimate the positive impact the Livestrong foundation has had in the world of cancer and farbeit from me to label a bald-headed 12-year old with Luekemia or my 62 year old mom (an 8-year breast cancer survivor) a wanker. In fact I must admit, my love for cycling and unwavering support for my mom has tempted me to get a yellow wristband, long before Rule 51 ever existed. So I move to discuss an edit for this rule.
@Marko
Under discussion, you make some good points. In the meantime, see Rule 5, just to be safe.
@Marko
You raise excellent points, but after careful deliberation, we have decided to leave Rule 51 as-is.
Cancer is a horrible disease, we support it’s research, and our sympathies are with anyone who is touched by it. Your mother is a badass and I don’t even want to broach the topic of those poor kids with Leukemia. My first-class lady worked on the pediatric bone-marrow transplant unit and I can make the world’s biggest understatement by saying that’s one of the most horrendous things for a child to go through.
Our distaste for the Livestrong bands has nothing to do with the cause that it supposedly supports (how much LAF actaully does for cancer and how ethical the organization is are debatable) or the terrible fight that those with the disease face, but more with Armstrong pretending his return has something to do with fighting cancer and not his ego, as well as the wristband’s status as #1 Fratboy Wrist Accessory. The vast majority of people wearing the bands wear it because it’s cool and are more worried about the status of their bong water than what the little yellow band signifies.
We say make a donation, buy a band, but leave it at home. And to cancer we say, “fuck off, you’re an asshole”.
Rules …rules..rules!! hmmmm checking my brake levers..again! breaking out winter kit! overboots! woolen leg warmers! de feet Woolen arm warmers and sox. . .Roubaix tights, under vest, over vest, rain coat, fitting mud guards, hats with holes in! gloves without holes in them. . fitting bigger tyres! , polishing my Turbo saddle! ha .. F
@Freditor
This whole “world away” thing has got my head spinning. Over here, we’re just packing that stuff away. But, on the plus side, you have have 6 months of automatic hardman status to look forward to!
You see, this is why nobody likes roadies…when you guys get tired of faffing over looks and brands and (ugh!) shaving…you can join the real man’s club; mountain biking where it doesn’t matter what you are wearing or if your bars match the saddle, but rather weather you can keep the rubber side down.
It’s not about the bike, it’s about the ride!
Harry, as you should know, “a man’s gotta know his limitations”. Yours, besides basic grammar and spelling, are the ability to spot self-deprecating humour and not to take everything you read as Gospel.
While The Rules have a lot of merit, and most are advisable to adhere to, we don’t really give a flying fuck if any of our readers take heed of them or not. We love to ride bikes, be it mountain, road, cross, singlespeeds (shit, even fixies!), and love to see anyone, of any creed, colour or sex on a bike. The guy riding home from work in his overalls on an old shitter will still get a nod and a wave of solidarity from us.
Personally, I consider myself a mountain biker who also rides the road, but above all I’m a cyclist. When people such as yourself spout divisionist drivel like “nobody likes roadies” and “the real man’s (sic) club”, it only serves to reinforce the notion that somehow riding one type of bike is in some way superior to others. (Oh, aren’t women allowed to mountain bike too, or is it “real men” only? A large quota of my mountain biking friends are women… fast, cool women. But hey, you hang out with your boys if that’s how you roll.)
I count among my friends, colleagues and riding buddies some of the best mountain bikers in NZ, Australia and even the USA. And guess what? They ALL ride road bikes too.
Yep, it is about the ride, and it is about the bike, and it is about having fun and not taking life too seriously. Enjoy life, have a look and a laugh at yourself and ride your fucking bike, because that’s what we love to do here at the Velominati.
Go ahead, make your day…
@brett
Just so long as they’re not aboard a recumbent.
@Dirty Harry
I’m guessing another of your limitations might be chronic failure to Obey Rule 5. Best go refresh on that one.
@ Dirty Harry
If I wanted you to like me I would have tied a pink ribbon around your frame pump and fellated you with it. Your loss.
The sad thing is if you do not see the sublime beauty in the rules you probably do not see it in road riding…
How are we standing on frame materials/manufacturers these days? I’m struggling to see how Carbon and Aluminium fluid-formed jiggery-pokery can be allowed to sit comfortably alongside these rules.
@Jarvis
This is a most excellent observation, cheers on that. There is a part of me that wants to answer your question with a quick, terse response. Something like: “Steel. Lugged. Italian or Belgian. De Rosa, Colnago, Gios, Bianchi, Merckx. And no brake cables under the tape, laddie. They should always spring upwards from the break lever, directly to the frame. And toe clips and hairnets.”
But that is to ignore the amazing progress that the technology in our sport has made in recent years (and yes, carbon and 10 speed group sets are progress). While deeply traditional, our sport is also fiercely modern and it would be reckless to ignore the advancements of late.
I say carbon, titanium, steel, aluminum; they are all materials with merit. But all bicycle frames and components must be made with love and care; with a person’s hands being involved in much if not all of the process. And, the lovely thing about Rule 12 is that we can experiment with the different options to our heart’s (and wallets) content. But indeed, the “fluid-formed jiggery-pokery” is a frightening trend and if all bike start being built in Taiwan, I will, in fact, move back to 80′s-era bikes and parts.
But at the end of the day, we should just Harden the Fuck Up, throw a leg over whatever bike we can get our hands on, and get on with our ride.
What if you work at a bike shop in regards to Rule 22?
I think that a cycling cap is perfectly fine if you are at work, at a bike shop. Not on lunch, or before or after, but while you are there in the store.
The man has a point, but some how it doesn’t sound right to me? Needs adjudication from those that know. John boy you awake?
@Colin
Mate, this is the most conversial Rule on the books. The conditions under which a cycling cap may be worn is a classic case of “I know a Rule Breaker when I see one.” Let me show you what I mean.
An example of, “Yup. That’s OK”:
And, an example of “No way, Jose”:
So lets get into a technical evaluation of the this matter. Rule 22 stipulates:
While you’re obviously engaged in cycling activities, the tricky bit here is that it also says you have to be wearing cycling kit, which I’m guessing you’re not wearing while working at the shop, unless you like putting your package on display for the lady patrons of the shop (if that’s the case, cheers on you).
My personal feeling is you’re OK wearing the cap under the conditions you describe. You wouldn’t happen to be sporting a woolen Molteni jersey while working in the shop, would you? Because that would pretty much seal the deal.
@Colin
35 words for you my friend…
Can I suggest an amendment to Rule 41. That quick releases can be in the horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike ONLY on Time Trial bikes. This is for maximum aero effect
@Barry Roubaix
Indeed this is an excellent point. Rule amended. Thanks, mate!
Okay, so it seems pretty split down the middle for whether or not to wear it. It just seems so appropriate. Especially if the employee was wearing that particular shops cap.
Note: I am not talking some willy nilly Hipster Track bike shop employee (see Franks second picture). I’m talking the down to earth bike shop. The kind where the owner is a million years old and there is an eclectic mix of staff, and in the back shop they’re those mechanics who have an incredibly messy bench, with piles on piles of stuff, but if asked were that old shimano 600 rear der. was they could reach in and grab it.
you know, a real bike shop.
Oh, ok then…
I hates to throw cold water on good debate but there are so many “poseurs” in bike shops – wanabe race types that wear the cap to show how cool/connected they are. How do we separate them from the true old guy/ex-Belgian kermesse rider émigré running the quintessential shop Colin seems to be talking about?
The former should NOT be allowed, the latter has every right, in fact it would be sad not to see him in that old greasy Molteni cap.
Is it possible to add something about timing on rule #9? Like wake up 4h30 to go out for a ride during the week because you have to come back around 7h to go to work?
It’s all about performance!
Rule 8
…or
white, white, white
@joe
Did you intend to post this video? If not, please just post the link to the vid and I’ll get it embedded for you (must work on embedding capabilities for readers…)
@Brian
Wow. Courageous, white saddle, bars, and tires. You sporting white shorts, too? You ride in the rain much, laddie?
I think…
you should probably go race in France or Belgium, and see how closely these rules are followed.
@shakes
Do club races at Crystal Palace or Eastway Marsh count? Its about Tude dude not about what you think is right or wrong.
Radical suggestion: is there a wrong time to wear a cycling cap? Think about it…
@Jarvis
You know this one is the most emotional of all The Rules. I have a small but treasured collection of caps either from a race with killer memories or a trade cap (Campy) that is now old and beautiful. I would love to wear them but unlike the
n+1,s-1Rule 12 there is no equation for staying married if you look like a dilbert.@frank
#$^%&! Jesus Christ. Hilarious.
@Marko
Live Rule #5
@Marko
Rule 65. Rule 5 supercedes all other rules.
If Rule 65 is adopted, the following rules must be expunged due to inconsistency with Rule 5: 8, 17, 21, 22, 26, 27, 30, 31, 37, 38, and 56. They have been written by Big Pussies. Harden the fuck up. Take Rule 8. Who gives a shit about color matching? Does color matched tape, tires, and frame make you go harder, faster, longer? If not, who gives a shit. See Rule 5. Rule 17. Wearing team kit is “questionable” if you are not paid to wear it??? If you are not on the team, don’t wear the fucking team kit. How hard is that? See rule 5. Rule 21. Who cares what you look like? Appearances are for Big Pussies. See Rule 5. Rule 22: Jesus Christ, if wearing a cap or not wearing a cap makes no difference to whether you go faster, harder, longer, then don’t make any fastidious fucking rules about wearing a cap. LIve Rule 5. Rule 26: “There is definitely an optimal angle the pedals should be at when photographing a cyclist.” I’m about to give up on the rules. See Rule 5. Rule 27: A prescribed sock length?!? What douche bag wrote this? See Rule 5. Rule 29: No frame pumps?? So, when someone violates Rule 56, you are going to pummel him with a mini-pump or CO2 cartridge and not a three foot long Zefal pump, which can do some damage? Oh, that will look hard for sure. Why not just spray the CO2 in his face like you’re a bitch with pepper spray. Rule 31: obviously written by some fastidious Big Pussy. See Rule 5. Rule 37, and 38: Harden the Fuck Up. Rule 56: Does Espresso make you go faster, longer, harder than plain coffee? No. See Rule 5. Without serious revisions to this list, it is clear that it is a list for Big Pussies.
SGW you are on a freakin rampage, go baby, go! I’m fairly new here (only one Rule – not on your list) and I do not know what the Velominatus reaction will be but I like the 65 thing… as to the rest (its just too boring to go through them all) it seems to me that to one group this Rule would be sacrosanct and to another that Rule would be untouchable. So the bottom line is it is best to institute Rule 65 and then chill on the rest because you may be fightin a losing battle?
On second thought Rule 65 might be redundant because Rule 5 by its very existence is what Rule 65 would be? I don’t know, smarter folks than I will have to wrestle with that one.
@SGW
That is some very funny shit. I am the proud contributor of Rule 5 so I’m reading you loud and clear and thrilled to hear someone embrace HTFU with proper emotion. And yet I’m a Big Pussy too so go figure.
SGW, check in often and don’t hold back, we enjoy a rant more than most and need to be called out as often as possible.
@Rob
Well, Rob. It sure does seem to me that Rule #5 is inconsistent with all the rules I mentioned. Ergo, the statement of rule #5 is not identical to the statement of my proposed rule, #65, which gives primary place to Rule #5.
@john
As the contributor of Rule #5, you must surely be a leading member of the Velominati. Hail! Hail! Hail!
@SGW
I have to say, I echo John’s sentiment. I love your enthusiasm and your harsh, black-and-white interpretation of Rule 5. There is a place among the Velominati for a Fundamentalist Sect who interprets this fundamental Rule with such rigidness. I envision you founding and leading this movement.
Rule 5 is subordinate only to Rule 1, 2, 3, and 4 (in the Fight Club Sense) and is the foundational Rule upon which the other Rules are laid. We must first and foremost conquer Rule 5. Only through the pain and suffering that comes through the path of observance of this Rule, does one truly become a Velominatus. However, in a phenomenon not unlike Stockholm Syndrome, through that process, we may find ourselves inextricably tied to – and bonded with – with our captor, which in this case is Cycling.
For we are not sane. We are not of “the norm”. During the long hours upon our machines, we have also come to appreciate the beauty of our sport. We have become a cycling aesthete.
After all, if we observe Rule 5, there is no harm in also riding a bicycle which has it’s bar tape carefully matched to it’s saddle. Eddy Merckx refused to start a race without spotless handlebar tape. There is beauty in that; and so long as Rule 5 is observed, there is no harm in it, either.
May it also be said that the Velominati Kit bears one detail not revealed in the design on the Gear page: the right thigh bears three Rules: Rule 1, Rule 5, and Rule 10.
Good grief! You leave the country for 24 hours, all interpretational hell breaks loose and you return to a world of fundamentalists and schismatics and revisionists and who knows what else and it’s starting to feel like a convention of Talmudic scholars has just invited a bunch of Jesuit scholars over for a few rounds in the ring.
There are few things we lawyers relish more than a good scrap over matters of interpretation, so chapeau, SGW (= “Sagacious, Great and Wise”? “Starter of General Warfare”? “Some Great Writing”? “Seriously Good Wit”?)
For my part, while I am attracted to Frank’s Sufist take on the Rules, I wonder whether it pays sufficient regard to the connection between the minutiae of the “Pussy Laws” and what we might call “Eddy’s Law” (i.e. Rule 5). It is not just that the Pussy Laws can co-exist with Eddy’s Law (as per Sufi Frank). They can. But they do more than that. They make Eddy’s Law all the more challenging. We are required not only to be hard, but to do it in accordance with the Pussy Laws. In that way, they truly test our mettle, or nerve, our devotion, and our sheer hardness. To be (and be seen as) hard when your legs are smooth, your lycra is white, your bar tape is matched to your saddle, your bike is pristine, etc is a truly awesome achievement. The Pussy Laws do not conflict with Eddy’s Law, they don’t merely co-exist with Eddy’s Law, they don’t merely augment Eddy’s Law – they help to make complying with Eddy’s Law the achievement that it is. They are integral to the Rules, including Eddy’s Law.
At least, that’s my philosophy. I like to think of it as Rule Holism. Doubtless there’s another sect which considers this a deep heresy. I certainly hope so. Bring it on.
First, my complements to the chef, great site and a great list of rules.
@Geof, whereas I am no lawyer, I am a cyclist, and have a fair enough miles in the saddle to be aptly qualified to offer my observations in here.
In regard to Rule Holism, there indeed is another sect as you elude to, one of Rule Maximus-cannibalus(Mc). Maximus-cannibalus explains an interesting role between that of Pussy Law abiders and Eddy Law abiders, in which is outside of the realm of Holism which you posit.
Indeed, the peloton can be mutually Ruled by Holism and Maximus-cannibalus(Mc), but they are separate entities as well, mutually exclusive; which is a most interesting dynamic. Eddy-likeness does not regard nor recognize that of Pussies until ‘Eddy’ wants to, then they cannibalize the Pussy. But the Pussy is not done, it may indeed change, morph and evolve. It may be rather fluid if you will, and in the most interesting of circumstance, the roles may even reverse on the next days ride/race.
My observation has been that one only climbs into the ranks of Eddy-likeness by having mastered that of Pussies, with profeciency of skill in Rule #5. One may begin as Pussy, in fact…all have, then to have implemented Rule #5 and enjoyed Pussy at others liesure or dissatisfaction, it matters none. As ones legs gain milage/strength and stamina it is commensurate hardness, mettle, nerve as you put it. It is a sort of mastery akin to that of Maslows hierarchy, with the highest affirmation of ones self-actualization, in cycling, a penultimate that only few of ours enjoy in legendary permanence. I particularly am still working on this one, and on some days am Pussy, some days I enjoy Pussy. Truthfully, I can never seem to get enough Pussy.
Its a harsh reality, that of the hierarchy of the peloton, the group ride, the local race. Partly because there is only one Eddy, truly, at any given ride on any given day. The rest of us on any given day are simply Pussies. Its because, as you eloquently posit, those hard riders who enjoy sheer hardness in and of itself, also love taking advantage of Pussy Law abiders. Those who never elevate themselves above such, rather submit themselves humbly in the ole ministerial position to Eddy, are thus cannibablized, sometimes repeatedly. This then lends Pussy to either tend to be avoid that of Eddy, conquer Eddy-which then would flip the roles, or enjoy a self-mutilating existance as Pussy incarnate forever.
Eddy’s do indeed exist because of Pussies, but Pussies do not exist because of Eddy, they exist in an of themselve because that is who they utterly are and yes, I have seen entire groups of Pussies riding without a single Eddy amongst them. Its a beautiful thing to see.
@Geof
I withdraw my proposal for the adoption of Rule 65. Geof has thrown me into existential crisis. I must go and reflect.
@SGW
Jesus man, HTFU.
@SGW
I recommend a week at Joe’s Observation of Rule 5 While at the Same Time Drinking Savagely and Compensating on the Turbo Trainer Rehabilitation Clinic.
Just saying.
Dear Sirs,
Fantastic exposition. I am happy to note I am compliant with most of the rules with only a handful of adjustments to make. My recent delivery of Bic, Brooklyn and Campag caps will resolve one failure.
However, what is the List’s view of BikePure spacers? Do they fall into Rule 51? I would aver that for the moment they are covered by rule 5 (“Drugs? HTFU!”) until they are adopted by the Fixie (it’s FIXED!) courier brigade at which point they may fall into Rule 51.
p.s. Can I suggest an addition (maybe as part of Rule 8) that there should never be more than three colours to a bike’s build-up (excluding silver hardware), i.e. a maximum of two colours to a frame, plus decals, with finishing kit to match*. This will obviously automatically exclude a number of Pinarello’s, but as they are now falling into Serrotta territory that’s not such a bad thing.
* Colnago Mapei colour schemes excepted.
That should have read “… as part of rule 8 ) …”, not “… as part of rule 8) …”
@Terry Tafi Bikepure spacers are wrong and although will never be as bad as Cockbands, I think you sumise correctly re: rules 5 and 51. Besides, I’m not convinced by what Bikepure are doing.
@Jarvis Noted, and thanks for the clarification.
New here, but I’ve only ever counted on one rule and one (related) question:
Rule 5 & What would Jens do? After that, it doesn’t matter anymore.
@Geof I confess that Geof’s Rule Holism caught me off guard. Geof’s says that “To be (and be seen as) hard when your legs are smooth, your lycra is white, your bar tape is matched to your saddle, your bike is pristine, etc is a truly awesome achievement.” I.e., to comply with the Pussy Rules, and then to somehow mange to be hard, is an awesome achievement. We all have Big Pussy in us. All of us are fallen, corrupted. Who has not scheduled five brutal climbing repeats only to fold after three and ride home like a pussy? I take great pride in the fact that during the Winter I’ve ridden once on an indoor trainer for only, and precisely, 17 minutes. I ride in the cold and the rain and relish it. But how many times on a December or January morning have I pulled aside the shades, only to be cowed by the grey, wet cold of the Winter. “No way; I’m not ridding today.” Who here has not collapsed as fast as Marcus Sommers on the last lap of a crit or on an uphill finish? Who am I then to come before the Velominati and declaim that the Keepers of the Cog must harden the fuck up, when my own nature is so corrupted with Big Pussy?? I read Geof’s Rule Holism like this. By complying with the Pussy Rules we are showing to everyone that we are honestly embracing our fallen, corrupted Big Pussy nature. Escape from our nature is impossible. But, if God willing, we nevertheless somehow manage to harden the fuck up and win from a break, or we find the sheer hardness to win a field sprint, or we destroy our rivals on a climb, we will have achieved something even so much more truly beautiful, truly awesome.
Oh, but why do I resist this so? The recognition that we are not perfectly hard every moment is not a reason for embracing Big Pussy rules. Frankly, I believe the Pussy Rules are promulgated and enforced by “men” who pretend to be bicycle racers. Pretending to be a bicycle racer is easy enough. You just have to finish mid-pack. Those who cannot do anything more than finish mid-pack set up rules, norms, and customs which they have mastered, and they can abide by, in order to intimidate any new initiates into the sport. The Big Pussies gain a sense of power from this. No frame pumps. No saddle bags. Color matched bar taped. No salt-stains on your helmet straps. But face the fact. When a real man has a goal, the only thing that matters is achieving that goal. Fuck appearances. Does X contribute or not to you achieving your goal? If not, X means nothing. The goal of a bicycle racer is to win. Whatever does not contribute to winning is nothing. Rule 5 is the ultimate expression of that fact. “Harden the fuck up.” That can only mean, You MUST do whatever it takes to achieve your goal.
After some unmanly wobbling, I reassert the proposed rule, Rule 65. If the Velomaniti have the courage to adopt it, then, as I asserted, rules 8, 17, 21, 22, 26, 27, 30, 31, 37, 38, and 56, at least, must be expunged from The Rules.
@SGW, I understand where you’re coming from but I am against the adoption of Rule 65. Surely these rules are about attitude and as such that covers mental attitude (ie. Rule #5) and physical attitude (the ones about style). so although they may seem to go against Rule #5 some of these “Pussy Rules” are a necessity. Failure to adhere to the “pussy rules” means that you need to carry off the “hardman rules” x10 and that still might not be enough.
Still you got me thinking and I propose the following changes to The Rules:
Remove rules 21,22, 26:
Rule #21 makes no sense as the weather always dictates appropriate clothing and so making the rule redundant. For instance, unless racing, wearing shorts in the middle of winter is not hard, it is disrespecting the body and determines that you have no style. Equally wearing Belgian Hardman get-up in the summer is equally wrong.
Rule #22 Is there a wrong time to wear a cycling cap. For justification see ‘White Men Can’t Jump’
Rule #26 Being photographed is out of a riders control and so this rule should be removed forthwith. Surely these rules are about how to look and behave while conducting cycling-related activities.
Amendments to rules #30 & 31:
Rule #30 requires the ‘Oscarito Principle’whereby gaffer-taping a mini-pump to your frame is perfectly acceptable.
Rule #31 This can be simplified to, “Thou shalt never fit a saddlebag to your bike.
Combine Rules #37, 38 & 39:
Thou shalt never leave the house without sunglasses. These shall always be worn over the helmet straps. If not worn over the eyes shall be placed in the helmet vents on the back of the neck or tucked into the back of the jersey (a la Cuddles, st.7 Giro 2010). They should never be put in your pocket as then others will assume you have left the home without them and so have broken the rule.
There doesn’t seem to be a rule about riding deep dish carbon tubulars on group training rides?. If you need them to be there you shouldn’t be there. Build yourself up a set of triple cross clinchers with 25mm invulnerable tyres and take a training ride to Rule 5.
All this debate over The Rules just underscores what a true world religion cycling is:
- Practised worldwide? Check
- Numerous different sects? Check
- Followers range from mildly observant to fanatical? Check
- Numerous annual celebrations an festivals, of varying significance? Check
- Saints? Check
- Fallen ones? Check
- Followers regularly endure great physical pain in its service? Check
- Iconic text which sets out the fundamental doctrines? Check (i.e. The Rules)
- Endless possibities for disputed interpretation of that sacred canon? Check
Finding myself to be of a “broad church” disposition when it comes to this particular religion, I say Live and Let Live – embrace and observe The Rules as you see fit, worship (i.e. ride) wherever and whenever feels right for you, and celebrate the things which all followers have in common over those which set us apart from each other.
And, of course, if in doubt, ask what Eddy would do.
I bet when you have finished to apply all your rules and spent:
all your day with your penis on a razor sharp saddle
all your money on bikes you don’t have time to ride
you can’t even slap that penis back to life for a friendly hand job, never mind to “ride” your women!
P.S. you know deep down I am right….
@GIO
@Geof
Not until Jesus Christ himself appears out of the mist and says to me, “Verily, I am the Son” will I believe it. Likewise, not until Eddy Merckx himself pulls me aside before my local training ride and says, “Son, a Zefal frame pump? Really?” will I take it off.
@Rainbow I would second that. Box rims only for training. Deep dish carbon only for racing. And proper racing, Elite/1/(maybe 2) races only. Not cats 3 or 4.
Oh man, your first paragraph is so on the mark and then you just nose-dive right back into the shite. And there is only one word for Zefal “NO”.
Don’t you see the sublime beauty in Silica???
Really you are so close just let go.
You say, “Frankly, I believe the Pussy Rules are promulgated and enforced by “men” who pretend to be bicycle racers.” And this shows how you are either delusional or high because I believe 99% of the Veliminatus are, or have been, Hardmen. This is so obvious that it brings into question your “Palmeres”? Don’t get me wrong your dedication and seriousness come through loud and clear but you just have to see the light.
“Not until Jesus Christ himself appears out of the mist and says to me, “Verily, I am the Son” will I believe it. Likewise, not until Eddy Merckx himself pulls me aside before my local training ride and says, “Son, a Zefal frame pump? Really?” will I take it off.” This statement illuminates the blindness of your situation – you have so crossed the line – putting a god in the same sentence with a mere son of god???
Honestly, I do not have the brain power of the Geofs, Johns, and Franks here to debate with you but I love hearing the arguments (yours included) and I come from an intuitive sense of bike right and wrong that has come from years in the saddle, so carry on and I will enjoy the back and forth, but deep down I look forward to your true conversion to The Rules.
That is not to say they can not be improved, refined and expanded on (I am currently struggling with a new one I hope to have approved soon) and given your obvious love and knowledge I am sure I am not alone in hoping that you will see the light and maybe even contribute to the beauty and power of them, both Pussie and Hard!
@Rob
“Mere son of god” Heh. (Is there a godhead of cycling?) I was making no accusation against the Velominati. I feel drawn to The Rules. But something about the Rules is clashing terribly with my entire world-view. My palmeres? Well, you may have hit on something. I am relatively new to racing. I’ve only a handful of top-ten placings, 5th, 6th, 5th, etc. Certainly the thought has occurred to me that a breakthrough to the podium may require a sincere embrace of The Rules.
@SGW breaking through to the podium requires ignoring The Rules. Do you see anything about performance or competition in The Rules, other than Rules #5 and #6? No, and this is for a good reason – Rule #6.
Fully embracing The Rules can wait until you have retired from, or are winding down your racing. Because fully embracing The Rules will mean spending more time sitting in cafes drinking coffee, admiring your perfectly Rule Adherent bike and discussing the finer points of The Rules. After all, I imagine that is how and when they came to be written in the first place.
@Jarvis
Congratulations on achieving Level Three Velominatus Status.
@rainbow
@rainbow, @Terry Tafi
Indeed. We here certainly value the good old-fashioned three-cross pattern spoked wheels with boxed rims; we’ll take this to committee and see where it goes. Thanks.
@Jarvis
To a Velomanatus such as yourself, this is indeed obvious. To the douchebag wanker whom I saw riding down Greenwood Ave yesterday in 65°F in full tights and long-sleeve jersey, apparently it’s not so obvious.
The answer is “Yes”. For clarificaiton, check here.
This one is more for the photographer, whom we assume is also a cyclist (for why else would they be photographing the cyclist?); all photos which do not show optimal pedal angles must be summarily expunged, never shown or spoken of again.
Agreed. The Rule will be amended as such.
A saddlebag is acceptable on 12 hour + rides in the wilderness on a Mountain bike. While this Rule falls outside the road rider’s purview, it does not hurt to maintain the superfluous information for those who might otherwise be confused.
Interesting suggestion. This will be taken to committee and discussed.
@Jarvis
This is only partially true. The Rules (or, the Cog – the metaphorical “Truth” of cycling) was in fact laid down by the Gods of Cycling. However, it was the Velominati who, though deep meditation at said Cafe – peacefully sipping our espresso – discovered this Truth. As such, we are the Keepers of the Cog. For we did not create these Rules. We have merely recorded them.
@SGW
Young and ambitious Velominatus: May your journey to (the top step of) the podium be eased by the secrets revealed within these Rules, which are ever growing and expanding.
I see your interpretation and conflict to be reminiscent of a kind of Opus Dei of the Velominati; harsh, black and white – perhaps fueled by youthful enthusiasm which cannot be tempered by reason. Only through your own quest will you find your way to the Rules. Until then, we admire your fire and hope to see more of it laid upon these pages.
@Frank: May I propose an addition to The Rules: Thou shalt not ride your bike in a group when when it sounds like a gillopy, rattling…creaking…popping. I find this kind of behavior highly disruptive as nearly every other rider then starts looking at their own steeds chains and drivetrain to make sure they haven’t been found to be in neglect. If we rode at a standstill, this may be acceptable, but when spinning down the road at 40k, this may not always end well.
@Souleur
My God, man! You are indeed a Velominatus!! I cannot believe we missed this one. Bicycles must be meticulously maintained. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding a bike. In fact, this can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, are are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.
Rule 65 added.
@SGW
Ah, there is much hope for you, my guess is that, like many here – no sorry – like all here, you do not like rules in the non-HTFU world and this might be where the conflict comes in?
I admire your honesty and wit in this struggle and as the big boys above (i.e. the smart ones) are counseling you it seems that you will be “with“ the Rules in no time.
As to Palmares there is no shame in “a handful of top-ten placings, 5th, 6th, 5th”. We all started in the same boat and some ascend to the top of the podium and some will have to be content with lesser glory but there is no shame when you have strictly adhered to Rule #5. Velominatus John was witness to a 5th place I made by a centimeter that to this day is one of the proudest moments of my silly little career…
As a newbie here I feel strongly that your passion is what the committees here are most hoping to have on board and please keep up the questioning attitude!
Oh and on the “godhead” thing you’ll have to ask Frank cause I just get too fritzed out when certain words like “god” and “head” get to close to each other…
@Jarvis
Oscarito Principle added to the Lexicon. Nice work.
@Jarvis Can I throw in a congrats on that level 3 promotion, I have enjoyed and been wowed by your steady insights
I especially liked this one!
@frank
Going to have to disagree about your reasoning on my Rule #21 suggestion. But in turn I realised that my suggestion was wrong and that it should be: Unless racing, thou shalt not go out in temperatures below 20C (68F for you guys) in anything less than arm and leg warmers (knee warmers are acceptable down to about 12C (53F).
Rule #22 I’d argue that that guy isn’t wearing a cycling cap and besides, he’s clearly a twat.
Rule #31 it is not acceptable to have a saddlebag on a mountain bike. Tools and tubes go in pockets. No different to the road HTFU man…
Regarding Rule #65. That’s me fucked.
Frame pumps NOT on a road bike??? Come on you trendy newbie baby bikers. Here are the real rules.
Any road bike with a frame made of tubular metal of any kind MUST employ the use of a frame pump – especially if said frame has pump bosses. Pump must be frame fit and not employ any clip on pump securing mechanism. Any road bike made of carbon especially those of swoopy monocoque design shall NEVER employ a frame pump and owners shall be forever damned with struggling to seat a dodgy tire with a CO2 cartridge blasting 140 PSI (and calling a cab when it blows off rim and you have no spare)
@Jarvis
HA! Indeed, you’re right there. There is some discussion going on in the Velominati backroom; there may be some Rule amendments.
I think there needs to be additional analysis done on saddlebags and mountain bikes. Road jerseys are not allowed on mountain bikes, ergo, no jersey pockets. Also, water purifiers etc are difficult to fit into a pocket even if you had one. Of course, this is only allowed on rides long enough to merit purifiers etc.
This does, however, require further analysis, like I said. Even just typing “water purifier”, the hair on the back of my neck stands up.
@Howard
This is an excellent point, and there have already been some amendments. A steel frame with a designated pump peg may employ a frame pump. We prefer to see it braces up in the rear triangle and described, but a cut-to-length Silca pump is acceptable as well. Fuck off, Zefal.
@frank, what are you on about, road jerseys are not allowed on MTB’s? It’s Lycra all the way, baggies tend only to be worn with t-shirts. As for water purifiers (and 12hrs) I’m not sure The Rules really apply to rides longer than can be fitted between morning coffee and lunch…
Sorry I break #51, I wear a yellow band in support of my sister who has cancer, I wear it proudly and will take any crap that comes my way becuase of it..
See Rule 5.
Something about mirrors? I saw a guy on a Colnago extreme power and a mirrow on his helmet. Duche or just fred?
@John
I’ve got a mirror on my helmet. Brett sold it to me. (Then again, he also sold me a frame pump …)
I have to agree with this statement. As one who likes to ride long and remote, some rules don’t apply. It would be a challenge to do 150 miles in the desert w/o a hydration pack, for example.
@Geof
Dude, that is NOT a frame pump. It will fit in your pocket comfortably. And last time I saw it, it was taped to the top of your sadlle… that’s right guys, on TOP! Kinky lawyer shit going on there.
As for the mirror, really? What a salesman! Bring in the offending helmet/mirror combo, and I will gladly expunge the doucheness.
In my defence – and, as we lawyers say, for the avoidance of doubt – it was taped horizontally, not vertically…
I like this list of rules.
However, I do ride with a pump on my down tube, not in the proper position. I like it and I’m willing to break the rules to have it on there. But…I do like the frame pump on the seat stay. Rode with an older dude last year who had it mounted like that on his De Rosa. He was twice my age and still faster than me. Sweet as.
I also wear cycling caps off the bike. Keeps sweat out of my eyes as well as sun. I don’t have a car so I bike everywhere. How does this rank for being a violation? If I ride my bike to the grocery store, with a cap on, am I allowed to buy groceries with it on? I like wearing a hat out of doors and most baseball type hats just don’t stay on when cycling.
I think I’m willing to break this rule, though I do abide by most of the others listed! Great site, can’t believe I haven’t seen it until the other day.
@PedalRon
Mate, the cycling cap Rule is very rough, the most controversial Rule by far. I say you’re good on an exception here, although we’d prefer to see you wear a helmet even on short rides. But if you did, you could take your helmet off and wear your cap in the store. At least as far as I’m concerned.
Brett, on the other hand, will re-post his video of the old guy yelling “No!” 35 times.
I’ve apparently misrepresented myself. I’m relatively new to racing, but I am not young. And that is important. I come to racing as an adult with a background of success in other sports in my younger days. I am not a youngster afraid of the pros, ex-pros, and veteran amateurs in the local peloton, unable to compete with them at any level, and just wanting to fit it by following rules and fashions. That, not youth, is what goes to explaining the black and white harshness of my view of The Rules.
I’m working on a decisive interpretation of Rule 5, which I hope will divide the following, firmly establish an Opus Dei sect, and rock the Velominati.
Yet, no doubt others have noticed my ambivalence. I’ve not tried to hide it. I’m drawn to The Rules on whole despite myself. I was nearly bent on my knees tonight after reading the newly promulgated Rule 65. Gloria! Three times in the past I’ve said to teammates during group rides or races that the douchbags with squeaking Look pedals should just leave. And three times my complaint has been met with a blank stare of such incomprehension that it was as if I were Lance Armstrong asking Alejandro Valverde what micro-dosing was. To find Rule 65 adopted by the Velominati . . .
@frank
Oh dear Frank, the “old guy” is Ben Kingsley, one of the greatest actors of our time. To call him an old guy is like calling Eddy “some rider”. The movie is Sexy Beast, check it out it’s awesome.
And I think there’s a definite concession to be made for PedalRon in this case. As with all The Rules, they are able to be tweaked due to special circumstances, and in general we don’t really give a fuck who does what anyway! I’ve been breaking a few myself lately with some tape/saddle combos.
As for the frame pump Ron, have you tried mounting it between the front skewer and the handlebar? Pretty cool if you can pull it off.
*Photo from Belgium Knee Warmers http://www.belgiumkneewarmers.com/2007/06/the-frame-pump.html *
@SGW
The old/new thing explains much… your sagacity of thought but also your underlying confusion. Remember Eric Hieden switching sports and it took him about 3 years to get it and then – Awesome! That really is the thing, that bike racing is on a different planet with not just a huge new vocabulary of physical demands but a subtly of tactics that make it truly “chess” on wheels. So be patient and it will come as will clarity of The Rules. I am sure I speak for most here in saying we cheer your spirit and will be watching your progress.
I too will be looking forward to your “decisive interpretation of Rule #5” and may even toy with joining the new sect? I just love the idea of being part of Opus Dei…
@brett
Spot on about Ron’s case – there are circumstances when you know it is right to be wrong and I personally can not give a logical reason but just know that its Ok.
But I do have to disagree about that “pretty cool” pump mounting. There is just one word and I am sorry I do not have a really cool movie – NOT! Yes, if you’re a hairy legged, pannier mounted, 14 mph, grocery carrying/tent caterpillar, wanking RAGBRIA cycle cap wearer – it IS very cool. But this is Velominati and although new here I just feel it is wrong, wrong, wrong and should be on another great site for those who do not see the light.
Please, if I am missing something set me straight, I defer to your wit and wisdom, which I am a disciple of.
@John
Please tell me you did not say “Mirrors”?
I just have one name that is synonymous with those blasphemies of cycling.
Paul Curly http://www.cycle-smart.com/blog/2009/12/11/paul-curley
OMFG Now you have done it – that link is where I went and the first thing he says after all these years is “I’m a wheel sucker” Nothing changes… For those who do not know Paul, the man is a fabulous sprinter and, ah, um, well enough said and back to the subject he wore a mirror (do you wear a mirror or mount a mirror or just look like a douche bag with it???) and back in the day, when I had some flexibility, it was a great game to get way down on my top tube and tuck in behind Paul just to his right because his mirror was on the left of his helmet and the hilarious thing was he could sense I was there but couldn’t see me in it and he’d be twisting his neck like it was on a gimbal mount and I see the little mirror like a mini eye of Sauron searching for me. Just one of those little games you’d play to pass the time in a long race and turn the tables on – truly – the greatest wheel sucker of all time.
Holy Shite do we need a rule!
@brett
That’s a cool looking setup for sure, if questionable. I have to ask, though: Do you have any respect for the Laws of Physics? Surely even in Australia it would be a Bad Thing to have that pump slip into your front spokes? Lets just say I’d prefer not to ride the Pave with that pump placement.
@Rob
You are not missing anything. That config belongs on a bike along with front panniers. Not on a Colnago. Once the pannier and the pump come loose in synchronization, I bet you hardly even notice the added stopping power of the pump, compared to the hooks of the bags. (My brother experienced this on a Peugeot we called “Cujo” at about 40kmph in the Netherlands. Not pretty.)
@frank Yes my aunt had a very unfortunate face plant after a front bag strap decided that it would rather attach to the front wheel than the frame… She is a trooper and goes on at 83!
On a more positive note I am loving the new Rule and growing Lexicon
@John, @Geof, @Rob
Christ. I see that shit around and it is unreal. I saw a guy hanging out, sitting on his top tub like a Big Fucking Deal and talking down to his fellow group members while they were taking a breather. The Big Fucking Deal was wearing a mirror, and I thought to myself, “How does this douche have the gumption to pretend like he is the Big Fucking Deal when he has a mirror?”
Geof, I say return the mirror and insist Brett refund your money plus damages.
Brett, we’re having words later.
Rob, Spot on for how you dealt with the Wheel Sucker.
Rule 66 and Rule 67 added.
In terms of the frame-pump discussion, I agree that Rule 30 is perfect as is.
God allowed us to invent cell phones for this reason, hence, if we have a flat and run out of CO2, which would be the 3rd thing go wrong, you should promptly take the bike, wheel and all and throw it angrily to the side of the road like Julio Perez, whip out the cell phone and call the posse to come pick you up….NOW.
And…wheelsuckers and Rule #5 cannot…absolutely CANNOT co-exist. Wheelsuckers…refer to Rule 5.
Jens never sucks wheels.
Good points.
I take your point. Some sort of rule would be appropriate. However, I will remain in breach. By way of plea in mitigation (as we lawyers say), (i) I have never, and would never, have the mirror in a race (that would be truly offensive), (ii) NZ drivers (particularly truck drivers) are not always deeply sympathetic to the presence of cyclists and NZ roads do not always have a lot of space within which to accommodate that lack of sympathy, and (iii) I have two young children who (I like to believe) need their father around.
In Brett’s defence, he did look deeply uncomfortable when he sold me the mirror, and has remained sceptical when I have subsequently sung its praises.
On the other hand, it definitely WAS a frame pump he sold me. In fact, he’s sold me TWO – and attached the fittings to the frames in both cases. I had to buy a smaller one for my back pocket when I realised it was a Rule infraction for them to be frame-attached. In fact a double Rule infraction, as the fucking things rattled no end. I won’t claim compensation for the mirror. And the frame pumps are ultimately down to my naivety, so I won’t claim compensation for them, either. But, Brett, I suggest you go home and do penance by repeating Rule 2 one thousand times while flogging yourself with a frame pump. That’s the sort of thing someone from Opus Dei would do …)
@Geof
Oh dear… I think you have the notion of a frame pump mixed up with a mini pump with a bracket (which mounts to the frame via bidon bolts). This is not a frame pump. I don’t recall a second pump, your honour.
@brett
I’m going to see if I can pull this pump mount off on the ALAN. (hehehe, I said pump mount).
It’s stylie and would go with the aesthetic of the ALAN quite well, bartape aside.
@all
Shit, I missed you fuckers and a ton of good convo, is that wrong? I don’t even know where to start here, so I won’t. I’ll say this; the theme I introduced on this last course was “Let’s put it in the Big Ring and keep it there.” Students totally bought into it, which is a good thing, because the theme on the last course was Harden the Fuck Up which worked too but, as it turned out, was a bit inappropriate on my part.
I need an office job so I can sit around on the computer more. Good work all.
@Geof Geof at the risk of a solicitor’s tongue-lashing I have to take you to task on the mirror thing. 1.) You are a Velominatus and therefore a representative of the Rules, racing or not. 2.) Rule #5 mate. 3.) A blatant violation of Rule #11.
I realize that on point #1 that there is no rule (you bet your britches that I am writing and submitting to the committee tonight) but regardless I was under the impression, in the short time I have been hanging out here, that there were some situations where common sense would be sufficient. I now understand that 60 odd rules are not enough!
Its true the wacked NZ lorry drivers on the sheep strewn lanes and the poor wee bairns made me hesitate to write this but fortunately the image of mirror wearing dorks made me change my mind. Here is the real reason that mirrors are not necessary to safety. Yoga! That’s right turn your head and if you can’t start a class soon.
Seriously mirrors are probably a great idea but if you are supple on the bike and can be that mobile without changing your line why risk their blind spots? Just out of curiosity when you are viewing that double wide bearing down on you in the little window can you move over farther than if you just were listening to the engine sounding like it wants to eat little bicyclists?
Hey I have huge respect for your skills both on and off the road and I see the possibility of using a mirror some day myself – its just that I hope it’s a few years away because that’s how long I hope it is before I am riding a recomebent.
@Howard
All right Howard! Thank you, a voice of reason in this sea of fastidious Big Pussies. I have a f’ing carbon fiber frame pump that fits onto the titanium post welded on my Ti frame. It fits right in there, it works better than any Silca pump ever did. I’ve done the pump between the rear quick release and seat stay but really, why?
I’ve never used a CO2 cartridge but I’ve used enough of those mini-pumps to know they suck ass. I may get a group beat down at the next Velominati male drumming/feeling sharing camping trip but they won’t be allowed to beat me with a frame pump.
@Rob
Whoa. Bringing in Toshiro Mifune as Miyamoto Mushai good, but Paul Curley, bad. Wheel sucking hot head, ‘im.
That is some funny stuff right there. Mini eye of Sauron…I love that. And just to clear the air, that is another John with a mirror, not me. I’d rather be rear-ended by a car as I drift out on a fast descending corner than use a mirror.
My wife’s Merlin has a mirror on it and it pains me each and every time I look at it. Such a desecration to an otherwise perfect bike. But talk her out if it…fugggetaboutit.
@Geof
That is genius, just like Marko’s cyclist=politicians genius #63 comment. Youz guyz are nailing down these large complicated controversial ideas beautifully. Well played.
@Geof
Are you kidding? A mirror? If paranoid about getting smashed from behind, ride in the small bike lane. That’s the 4 inch wide bike lane indicated by the single white line of paint all the way at the edge of the asphalt.
@brett Rule 30 refers to “frame-mounted pumps”. Apologies for the inaccurate shorthand in my terminology. The fact remains you knowingly assisted in a breach of Rule 30 (as well as the soon-to-be-promulgated-on-my-sorry-arse Rule Concerning Mirrors).
@SGW A 4-inch wide bike lane would be great, but these are New Zealand roads we’re talking about – they don’t have a white line in the middle, let alone the edge. (The roads where I often cycle aren’t, in fact, strewn with dimwitted sheep so much as smeared in slippery cowshit. But the mirror doesn’t help with that. Neither do either of the frame-mounted pumps Brett sold me.)
@Rob I hear you. I’ve become a poster-boy for flagrant breaches of multiple rules. How the fuck did that happen? Rule 5, Rule 5, Rule 5 …
@Geof Ahhh – don’t flagellate yourself, I was in flagrant violation of Rule 37 when I started here and with a couple of lapses I am happy to report I am whipped into shape now – so there is hope. Since you have probably developed a slight addiction to the little crutch can I suggest a slow weaning off of it? Maybe try riding with the mirror side eye closed for a week and then try taking it off and see if you can live with out it??
I do not know if this will be helpful, as I have never had to deal with this affliction… Good luck!
By the way, your Check List in the post above contextualizes the Rules in a very helpful way; now one can see clearly where their philosophical ideologies lie, apropos the Rules and use it as a road map to find their respective sect. Thank you!
@johnThanks, and sorry about the Paul thing but there is no better example of a breach of a (future) Rule. I googled him to see what would come up and that video was the first thing and I was so flummoxed (read disgusted) that I did not go further. I may screw up the mental courage to see if I can find an image with him and the grand transgression.
And oh, your wife can do no wrong – some rise above many Rules by shear strength of character and grace. Remember, she married you?
@Souleur
I always leave home with 2 C02 cartridges, 2 tubes, and a cell phone, and cash for a pint. If something goes wrong, I’ll make do.
@Marko
Awesome to have you back, mate. You have lots to catch up on, namely, Bad Cadel seems to be on probation and Good Cadel read Rule 5!
I have always abided by the Rule 66, even way before its deliberate conception here. I have buddies that have mirrors, but they violate many many of the other rules as well. They wear wheelsucker jerseys proudly, they have saddle bags bigger than my carry-on I use on vacation, they use mtn egg-beaters on their carbon Giant TCR dura ace/ksyrium ES clad ride.
They ask me why i don’t wear one and I mention I would rather not KNOW i am about to be hit. Then I ask them why they would wear one, its like a bad dream when your falling uncontrollably, do you really want to hit the bottom?? Do you really want to know a wreckless driver is bearing down?? Will it change what your going to do??
I find riding smart, chosing roads wisely, riding at times regularly daily makes it all much easier. People anticipate seeing you every single day, same time, same routine, and they give much more that way. And on days where Rule #5 apply, with sleet or grime, hard north winds…your neighbors will also give a good dose of respect thereafter. No mirrors necessary.
@Geof
Geof, it can happen to the best of us. You need a session with Joe tempered with a few conversations with SGW and you’ll be right as rain in no time. We are not measured by how we stray from the Path, but how we again right ourselves again.
But no mirrors. Seriously. Maybe – MAYBE – MAAAAYYYYYBEEEE – if you absolutely MUST use a mirror, get the ones that plug into the end of the drops – on the condition that you remove it post-ride and replace it with a real bar plug.
The helmet mirror…I mean…that’s not an antenna, you know. You’re not Boba Fett.
@john, @Rob
John. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: If you make it out for Tour de Blast and your wife indeed rides Michelle’s EV4, there is no fucking way in fucking hell that a fucking mirror will be put on that fucking bike. No fucking way.
Clear?
@frankYes Sir, Yes! Clear Sir, perfectly, like the Hubble mirror looking at the begining of time, Sir.
@Souleur
I was just thinking the same thing; what are you going to do differently based on information that the mirror can give you? Geof, I say, “Take off your mirror, cancel your manicure, and HARDEN THE FUCK UP.”
All that aside, as much as I’m for the lower emissions that come with hybrid cars, I think it’s FUCKED how quiet they can be. Those damn things will sidle up on you with no warning. FUCK.
Rule #66 is wrong. It should read, “No fucking mirrors”. Ever.
@Rob @frank @Jarvis @Souleur
Bugger …
@Geof
If you really care about your kids, you will save them the indignation and taunts from their friends/schoolmates; “your dad’s a mirror-head, he’s as soft as shite…” etc
Edit: maybe a bit harsh?
@brett Double +1 that really gets to the crux of the matter!
@all
The Velominati recognize the sect of Rule 5 Fundamentalists, the Cognescenti, that have been posting on these pages. We don’t strictly endorse their interpretation, but like Obus Dei, we recognize them as part of our own.
The founder of this sect is SGW. We will watch with interest as the movement grows.
This schism in the underlying philosophies of the Rules makes for a real dilemma. My only solution is to alternate between them, much like my natural bodily biorhythms. So Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I will be a Nancy boy in all I do and enjoy the soft things in life. The rest of the time its f-in Rule #5 all the way and if your riding with me no mercy at town lines, hilltops and the last k’s of the ride.
Oddly, I’d probably fit in with the Congnescenti, given that my bike and kit are all over the place at present. However, my heart is firmly with the whole of The Rules.
For now…
You B@stards!
While reading this at work 3 co-workers stopped by to see what i was giggling on about.
thanks!
ps. Black socks are for wankers! Socks must be primarily white in color.
@frank It’s an honor. I am drafting a Fundamentalist Manifesto in an attempt to unify the Cognescenti. I will try to circulate it to those who’ve shown sufficient reverence for Rule 5. Stay tuned.
@SGW
Let me be the first to say: Hardmanifesto.
“Cognoscenti” – brilliant. Ditto “Hardmanifesto” (which will presumably be full of inspiring “Ed(dy)-Time (s)Thories”). Am troubled, though, at the current absence of appropriate nomenclature for the other identified sect. “Rule Holism” may be an accurate descriptor, but ranks alongside “Mennonite” and “Phalangist” in terms of attractiveness to potential new adherents. We’ve gotta come up with something catchy, before the Cognoscenti start calling us “Soft Cogs”…
@Marko
Brilliant. Added to the Lexicon.
@Geof
I think they’re both Markoisms, although Cognescenti could be a Brettism. Brilliant is an understatement. There’s a reason we keep them around.
@craig
That is correct good sir. Black socks are for soft c*nts, big pussies and wankers.
@john
With the White Ladies, I’m wearing white, white, white. Fuck yeah.
Can you just add one more rule about Jens Voigt, the ultimate badass and racer??? Like “When in doubt, do what Jens does, go harder and stop whining!!!”
@Jeff
Was just toying with this:
Whining and bike riding are an anathema. Whining about why you did not place in/ finish a race/ride and The Rules is a transgression of Rules #4, 5 and 10.
Combine with Jens?
@Jeff, @Rob
I love where you guys are going with this; Jens needs to be referenced here in this cannon and, I think, so does Spartacus.
Jens, perhaps as a corolary to Rule 5, and Spartacus in how to go uphill faster: “I put it in a gear less and then went steady up with more speed.”
@all
We will be making several modifications to the Rules in the coming days; many readers have commented on some recommended revisions, and there has been near-universal rejection of some Rules; as your loyal community members, we feel it is critical to respond to the Voice of the Community and make a few mods. If you see some problems, post your remarks here, or email us.
Time for a bit of heresy. Jens is an idiot. I have no love nor respect for the guy.
@Jarvis
…and you say this just as you achieve Level 2 Velominatus status? A dark day, indeed.
Yeah, not feeling the whole Jens appreciation society thing in the the cycling world. I struggle with things he has said and done over the years. Unfortunately he was the only Euro-type riding the Tour who could actually speak English and so the only person that Phil and Paul could be bothered to interview when Lance had finished his press conference.
You know I’m right.
I will grant him that he is as hard-as-nails, especially after “that crash” last year.
Question: Any discussion of appropriate cycling attire vis-a-vis brands? Is being all decked out in one brand (that matches bike) a bit douchey? Or, on the contrary, is it a problem to have helmet from one company, bike from another, shorts from a third, jersey from a fourth, etc.?
Jar
@Jarvis
You sound like Floyd Landis in those pathetic, bizare email exchanges he had with Messick, USCF, Armstrong, et al.
@steampunk as long as it all works well together then I have no problems with wearing mix-and-match. But then, I can’t afford to kit myself out wholly in one brand.
@sgw nasty. I just call it the way I see it. I’ve grown up watching the Phil & Paul show since 1984, I do all I can to avoid them these days, I’d rather watch cycling with commentators speaking a language I don’t understand.
Without going too far off-topic, ask yourself why that email exchange was posted and why weren’t the replies.
@Jarvis: your response is what got me thinking about this in general. No eyesores, but I’m also reviled by riders whose bike and kit both scream bling—and, worse: have different kits to match different bikes. It seems to me that this runs contrary to the deeper spirit of the Rules, and especially Rule 5.
Maybe some kind of formula where your minimum speed on the flat must be at least 1% the cost of your bike or 20% of the kit you’re wearing. By way of discouragement, you know?
Oh, and Jens Voigt is God! That doesn’t need to be a rule; it’s a statement of fact.
27C out today and saw a hipster walking around in a sweater. The wife asks why is someone wearing a sweater in this weather, to which I instantly reply, “because he’s a hipster, they have rules”
At this my brain crunched gears and stopped in it’s tracks. These The Rules thing that we’ve got going on here…makes us awfully like hipsters don’t you think?
This is a little worrying. At least we’re not twats as well, eh?
Hipsters don’t get Rule 5. Plain and simple.
Yeah Jarvis, the weekend ride was disturbing.
My siting was similar, a flagarant violation of sorts of Rule 18-19. It was a mismatch TT/road/touring crossbred bastard. He had tennis shoes on w/plastic clips, brown saddle on a triple ringed retard, w/aero bars…and a TT helmet? I just looked at him and shook my head, purposely putting him in shame. I put my hand over his childrens eyes and whispered to them to never ever follow daddies advise because he was a twatwaffle.
Doesn’t seem to be a rule about underwear
@Mike. there doesn’t need to be
Steampunk Fixed your post!
Whoa Jarvis there is nothing in The Rules saying we have to be self critical and introspective. As a part time hipless fixie-non skidder clipless rider I can not abide the thought of being put in the same camp as a fixie skidder hipster clipped in twatwing.
@Rob: Thank you—well done. Man, I’m thinking slowly this weekend.
Rule 373: If, in any given year, your ratio of dollars/euros/pounds/etc. spent on bicycles to km traveled on said bicycles is greater than 1:1, you are yuppy scum. If you claim an injury not involving a descent at >80kmh in order to waive the above ratio, refer to Rule 5.
@ Mike: send all that would consider what your referring to see Rule #5
@Steampunk: Rules of Equality apply also, not sure its around yet, but it refers to yuppies, hipsters et al. Some in each class are pussies, some in each class are hardened; therefore, some hipsters get their ass handed to them by yuppies (not-skum) and some yuppies (skum) get their ass handed to them by hipsters.
See Rule #5 and Geof’s most excellent disertation of the Rule of Holism and the foreplay between the Rule of Eddy and Pussies.
@Souleur: Hmm. I’ll have to think about this. Hardened yuppies? Hardened hipsters? It all sounds a little counterintuitive. I’m warming to the value of the Rule of Holism, but I’m still enough of an unreconstructed purist to think it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing in subzero temperatures and that the ache in the legs needs to take precedence over the quality of the shave.
@steampunk: here is an example.
I follow the Rules. I too am a purist at heart. I ride a fixie. I ride a mtn bike SS, I ride a pinarello decked out w/the goods too, carbon and all. So, some days I might ride the pinarello w/carbon hoops, and I will say the fair amount of time I can dice it out. I get my ass handed to me at times, but then I reflect w/anger at Rule #5, and go again.
Then there are renegade days, when I take my inbred fixie w/my personalized stickers ‘hungry dog eater’ running down the drive-trainless side chainstay, white paint no other decals and ride…simply riding. I don a traditional castelli cimbali jersey and bibs and go. Sure, there are a good number that roul me over, yuppy’s that have the legs and some that don’t. Some TT practice runners. But a good number that don’t and that are just mind boggled that one gear does so well for 100k. That is just part of it. There are members in each class that need to follow Rule #5.
Names alone are meaningless.
Its what you do with your legs and the size of your heart.
@Souleur
There is nothing wrong with Fixies when used to improve your stroke. I would say, riding a Fixie for 100km fits squarely into Rule 5.
@ Souleur: No I get that. But getting one’s ass handed to one is not a sign of a lack of hardness. I say: Chapeau to just about anyone who’s out there for a ride, especially the further I get from town. And 100km on a fixie is definitely in hardman range (love the sticker, too). The thing here, though, is that you’re not rolling the fixie to the nearest chic coffeehouse in order to be seen. And that’s why I suggested a ratio of dollars to kilometers: I don’t begrudge anyone their sweet ride, so long as they ride it and not show it off for status. I’m also guessing you got the Pinarello because it’s a great bike, not because you view it as a status symbol. It’s the bike snob that bothers me…
I’m a chick who is new to cycling, having just recently traded in my crappy commuter bike for something more worthy of being called a bike. I instantly became obsessed with cycling and now eat, sleep, and breathe it. I am eternally grateful for the existence of The Rules, and am wholeheartedly committed to memorizing them and practicing them faithfully. I admit that I used to view the bike as the second leg of an inferior “sport” that also included swimming and running, but I promise I am cured of that. There is nothing but the bike now and that’s how it should be; Rule 4 just confirmed what I already knew.
One question, one comment:
Question: Are there any chick-specific guidelines I need to know about?
Comment: From here on out I have no intention of ever dating or sleeping with anyone who is not a badass. Tan lines, kit, shaved legs, big guns, and a house full of bikes, bike parts, and bike magazines turn me on. Cycling dudes, you are the hottest ever. No, the bike is the hottest ever. But you all are a nice side benefit.
@DesertGirl
Desert Girl, you are a welcome breath of chickdom in this wasteland of male circus monkeys. As one who has seen the light also, I welcome you to the fold.
There is just a niggling thought about your conversion (and this is completely unofficial, I am sure the Velominatus will relegate me to brakeless fixie skidder purgatory) and that is I am not sure, but your sentiment to be “wholeheartedly committed to memorizing them and practicing them faithfully” is actually contrary to The Rules.
I know, there is no Rule (perhaps there needs to be and of course you would be the inspiration for a new Rule, which I am sure is very appropriate) about this but in my heart I feel that you are in a unique position – that like an apprentice – no this is not about the physical side of riding but the greater challenge of becoming one with the Rules. Most here were unschooled in the Rules and only grew to know them in self-flagellating obsessive-compulsive years of riding.
You, while well on the way to this goal have now been exposed to The Rules as a virtual neophyte and therefore will only know them by rote not by “doing”.
While this is not a disaster (you of course will become one with them in the future) my suggestion is to NOT memorize or faithfully practice them but to let them percolate through your brain in a helter skelter fashion, neither accurately nor completely as you practice the art of Veloness. This, I feel confident, will be the faster and much better way to oneness with the Rules.
Now I wait for the raging hectoring I am in for…
Again, welcome!
Oh and just one little question: Is this a set up? Are you really a Russian transvestite trying to pick up naive old shaved legged bike riders, you sound to good to be true (I do not follow the first part of Rule #33 so I can dish out the second and am married)???
@DesertGirl
I assume you haven’t actually met Brett, then…
Chapeau – a nice encapsulation of the Rule Holist philsophy.
@DesertGirl If what Rob said does not make sense to you, you might find a place among the Cognescenti.
@david (formerly, SGW)++1
@Geof As a newbie your approbation is warmly received!
I haven’t read all posts. However I would like to add: Road bikes should be fitted with campagnolo shifting gear. Shimano is for Rex Hunt only.
@DesertGirl
Either you are Brett’s dream-come-true, or you are – as your name might suggest – a mirage set on by light radiating from our screens and refracted by Rule 5.
Having found a mate who is turned on by the same things you are (we don’t use porn, we just watch the footage of Cancellara and Boonen breaking away together across Flanders Fields), I feel comfortable assuming this is not a joke.
Your description of what turns you on makes me think of this video. As he starts describing the foreplay, just replace the various activities like “brushing teeth” with “shaving legs” and “I’ve got work in the morning” with “I have a ride in the morning”.
Let me also say that you should prep yourself for careful inspection of your legs by your cycling boyfriend as he compares the job you did to his. Let me also prepare you for the fact that he will likely do a better job at it and have some helpful pointers. He will also have some good tips on what lotions and cremes might help you avoid in-grown hairs and other imperfections.
@Steampunk: ah, you know…good point. I agree. Only douchebags go for a show only. Your right, I have my rides and i unapologetically try to ride them in the ground, Pinarello and all.
I do love handing it to them whenever the opportunities come up and frequently do.
@Patrick
I don’t recognize certain words; when I read your post I see:
@Souleur, @Steampunk
Agreed completely. You can ride a $10,000 bike – and I would argue you don’t even have to ride it fast. But you better ride the shit out of that thing.
Two recent cycling stories:
1. About a month ago, I was out for a ride when I saw a cyclist on the road about 200m ahead of me. Pavlov had a dog, this is my bell. I dug in and started to reel him in, which I did fairly quickly. As I passed, I turned to make a friendly greeting and discovered the rider was about 147 and his pace wasn’t all that fast at all. But he was out there—quite some distance from just about anything. Good on him, I say.
2. As for my bellwether of riding bike and body into the ground, I was climbing a longish 14% hill near here. About midway along, I was already hurting. I looked up and saw another cyclist near to the top of the hill. Bell. Dug in. Legs were burning, lungs were in my throat, the whole Jens: taste blood in your mouth, shut up legs bit. I’ve never worked so hard to get up that hill. It doesn’t get easier, you just go faster. As I neared the top, I realized that in my bleery delirium, I had mistaken a road sign for a cyclist.
All this to say: for the Cognescenti, riding involves the joy of the hunt.
@Patrick If there is has to be a Campag rule, then it should be that the only Campag you can run are the Delta brakes. because if you’re going to run shit kit that doesn’t work, you might as well do it with style.
I don’t understand why people buy stuff that doesn’t work? My last experience of Campag was that the levers were too stiff to work properly when riding on the hoods and if you had your bars and levers in the correct position, you couldn’t go up the gears if you are on the drops unless your thumbs are three inches long. Besides, the cheaper Campag stuff always looked shit.
Campag is a wank. Or should I say, the whole notion of it being some superior option just because there were no alternatives in the ‘old days’ so Coppi had to use it. It’s for fat, rich guys (just like Rex Hunt, actually).
Ok, for the brotherhood, i have a question regarding 16-17. I do not own any championship jerseys, would never ever wear world strips and kick anyone wearing the maillot-juane to the curb in the corner, if donned.
But what about national jerseys. Like proudly donning the American strips in july, or Belgian colours in early spring? Must one be of such heritage, or is it acceptable tribute to such, like tokens of respect??
@Souleur
Did you win the National Championship? No? There’s your answer.
@Souleur
see Brett’s answer.
Team strips are a moot point…I think of them as a souvenir of the times and thus while I would not be caught dead wearing this years Liquigas or (god help me) Radioshack, I proudly flew the colours of Mapei and Jolly 88 while grinding up the cols of Italy recently. Some, like those crazy old Amore & Vita strips should only be worn by those with a direct and profound connection to their ‘Inner Italian.’ Whilst wearers of a certain generation of US Postal / Astana should be able to dish out apochryphal levels of pain or be prepared to eat the cristalized essence of mature chamois rot.
On the campag, I run a headset and seatpost manufactured by them and am very happy but mostly take great delight in running new shimano on an old Colnago. I also recently discovered that the lockring on my bottom bike (perhaps defined as the bike that gives me the biggest carbone?) is also, sneakily, Campag…you have to watch these Italians…
@Jarvis, @brett
What are you two on about? Record is amazing. The levers are more comfortable than those shit Shimano STI abominations, the operation much more intuitive, and the shifting much better and more reliable. Not only that, but a well-tuned Record drivetrain runs almost silent, which Shimano and SRAM simply do not. And for those of you a bit short on the physics side there, noise = loss.
Campy Campy Campy Campy Campy!
@Joe
I’m with you 100%.
Let me give you an example:
In the US, in the Armstrong Era, there were hundreds of fat, rich businessmen riding the US Postal Treks with full USPS kit. One word: twatwaffles.
Riding in head-to-toe Del Tongo kit in 2010? De rigueur.
Spot on, mate. If you must wear team kit (and not Velominati kit), then you are to only wear kit of teams already defunct.
@frank
Chapeau, Frank, for the Conchords post. Before they were famous, they played at my stag do (aka bucks night), seeing as how we are all Wellington lads. When they’d finished their set, I grabbed their guitar and sang an impromptu blues piece about the paintball injuries we were all sporting from earlier in the day. I recall that I thought I was great, the boys thought it was funny, on more sober reflection we agreed it was neither, but the Conchords were politely accepting of the imposition and took it magnanimously in their stride. That’s because they were professionals, and I was not. The relevance? National jerseys. If you won, you can wear them. If you didn’t, you shouldn’t. But the pros will understand and forgive you if you do.
@frank
unless Campag have changed their shifting ergonomics, you are an alien.
anyone wearing a USPS kit ever is a twatwaffle. I think it really comes down to the kit, it’s as difficult as that. Some kits are just so awful they should never be worn, even if the team is defunct. Equally is it so bad to wear a current team kit, as long as it is a good design (can’t think of many, Cervelo?). I’m not sure Del Tongo was ever cool though.
@Geof
has anyone asked the pro’s if they’ll forgive you for wearing a National champs jersey? They might, I won’t. I was out photographying the local cycling club time-trial the other week and one rider was wearing a World Champs skinsuit. I made enquiries as to which world championships he had one, only to receive a negative response. He is clearly a twatwaffle.
@Frank – spot on fella, Del Tongo. Great strip. My guiltiest pleasure is a Fanini Pepsi jersey that reminds me deeply of a certain, legendary Texan from another 2 wheeled genre. It’s sadly, way too big for me but hasn’t stopped me trying to persuade the missus to wear it as a nightgown.
Campag purism though? Really? Dura-Ace is a fully paid up trip to the Mortirolo + all the beer you can drink cheaper. Is that not the sort of thinking we wish to encourage?
@Joe
I thought this place was trying to encourage elitism?
@frank Sadly the first jersey I owned was/is the Discovery jersey they wore on the champs elysees when Pharmstrong won #7… I used to think it was cool, maybe in 10 years it will be, but now I much prefer wearing my either of my club kits. Sadly my discovery jersey is my only long sleeved one and it gets rather cold here.
the last rule should be roadies elitists suck a$# always.
@Jarvis
Not elitism, at least not in a material sense. To paraphrase Merckx, we say ride a Huffy like Hampsten or a Storck, just so long as you ride.
That aside, attention to the details, yes – we pride ourselves on that here. Observing the Rules, yes. Being sufficiently ensconced in the sport and it’s history to be the caretakers of the Rules, yes. Elitism in the sense that a Velominatus knows more about cycling than most who throw a leg over a bike, yes. That a Velominatus loves it more than is probably sensible, yes.
In that sense, I suppose we are breeding elitism here.
@furoadiescumbags
Thanks for you input. Despite your obviously well thought-out assessment of the situation, I think we’ll pass on adding that particular Rule to the list.
@furoadiescumbags
Oh, I get it! Ha ha good one! So tell us a bit about yourself… Rule #5 a bit intimidating? No seriously is there an issue you’d like to share – the Velominati could help – especially if it pertains to the bedroom, obviously we’re better in there than on the bike. So don’t be shy and keep sharing!
@Souleur See Brett’s answer. And, then, reflect on Rule 5.
Well, not that I do own one, and now having reflected on Rule #5 I won’t anytime soon you bunch a twats.
I do love the belgian strips, no team, just colors…on someone elses back.
Will stick to my black and white duds.
Thanks for the pick me up before something tragically could have happened, like the apocalypse.
@ frank: I agree and disagree.
Campagnolo Record is beautiful, smart and sexy all in one. No diss from me on this.
That said, my SRAM (2010) Force is just as good, for less, stiff as can be, more ergo than Shimano and possibly as comfy as Record and mine is silent….totally. I have ridden both, and for the race bucks I will take SRAM everytime, IMHO.
One shift bang up front, no shim….smart.
I must say after owning Dura-Ace since 7400, it is actually getting worse, not better. 7800 was the penultimate for shimano, now unless you shell out $5k for a Di2 group, your just getting sloppy seconds. And I have never been one for that.
The 7900 shifters are open, and I am afraid of what grit/grime and rain will do to the exposed guts of a $600 shifter, but hey, shimano may be right, if your stupid enough to buy it once, why not twice?
@Steampunk Riding down a Fred out on a ride? Hmm. There’s a serious matter here for consideration. I don’t know if it should issue in a Rule or not. I go out for a 70 mil . . ., err, 110 kilometer ride at 75% of my max heart rate. 2 hours into the ride some Fred chases me down, pretending that he’s stronger then me. Should I, Harden the fuck up and ignore the Fred, or interrupt my carefully scheduled training ride to punish him for his insolence?
My racing partner and I were out riding with a ex-pro teammate. We’re all in team kit. Some Fred passes us at a decent pace, probably thinking he just bested some “elitist” racers. The ex-pro runs him down and half wheels him for about a mile, forcing him to keep the pace. Of course, he crumbles, and we just ride away from him. I thought it was funny. Then again, I’m like, ex-pro, why do you care at all about him?
@Jarvis Jarvis, and Brett, clearly have the right attitude. If you haven’t won a title, don’t wear the title jersey. How hard is that? But, further, making it onto a pro (Pro Tour) team is hard work and an honor itself. If you aren’t on the team, don’t wear the freakin’ jersey. Likewise, if you were never on a team, don’t wear the jersey now. Wear what you’ve earned, for Christ’s sake.
Rule 17 Wearing team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it. If you must fly the colours of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
Questionable?!? If you have any desire to wear the team kit of a team you are not on, you are merely a fan. Even attempting to honor the past greats by wearing some newly manufactured Molteni jersey is deeply offensive. How on earth can you wear a jersey that Eddy Merckx himself wore?!? *6^%@%$#*&!!!. There’s just no shame anymore. If Rule 17 stands, the Velominati should rename themselves as Keepers of the Fans of the Cog.
Rule 17 must be expunged or revised.
Revision: Rule 17 If you are not or have not been on a team, do not wear the team’s kit. If you are not the current road race world champion, do not wear the road race world champion’s jersey. This holds for any title jersey.
As a Fred, I don’t want to pass guys in full kit out for an easy spin while I am puffing just to stay upright. I know full well that if they were making half the physical effort I was, they would be gone like yesterday’s romance. But I can’t just turn around or take a different road. How does one pass gracefully while acknowledging the passee’s superior VO2max, etc?
I know, rule#5
@david
“half wheels him for about a mile”
I like it. We have our own version of the The Rules, specific to our commuter group. Here – The1750: RULES Specific rules relating to being overtaken are at the bottom. I agree, being overtaken does sometimes require a response.
@xyxax It’s a good question. It’s definitely an issue that pertains to cycling etiquette, and it’s not covered by the Rules, I don’t believe.
Story #1. Two months ago, I get a flat. I’m on the side of the road taking care of business. Mara Abbott–the best woman climber in the U.S.–rides up and kindly says, “Need anything?”. I say, “No, I’m good thanks”, just before I recognized who she was. So, I fix the flat, and five minutes later I can see her a couple hundred meters down the road. This was the next day after her last day of racing at the San Dimas stage race, in which she narrowly lost the overall to that Hun bully Ina Teutenberg. Clearly Mara is out for an easy recovery ride. In a few days, she has to start racing again at Redlands. So, we’re coming up to some hills. I want to pull up beside her, and say, “Hey, aren’t you Mara Abbott!?”, just to liven up her spirits after her narrow defeat the day before. But, I don’t start to catch her, even on her rest day, until a grade that I usually sprint up, for sprint training. I must maintain my sprint training commitments, after all. So, I blow by her in a full on uphill sprint. After that it’s all downhill, and I never see her again. First, since I was at least two months from peaking, she had to look at me passing by and think, “You are fat.” Second, the girl could bury me in any serious climbing. I stuck to my training plan, but it nevertheless required blowing by Mara Abbott as if I were a better climber than her, or as if I were attacking her. I wish I had not done it. Even though I was just doing the training that I normally do, still, I wish I had not done it.
Story #2. Last year, I’m up in Sacramento doing interval training on the American River Trail. This is a day or two before the first stage of the Tour of California, a prologue in downtown Sacramento. So, I’m like an interval or two into the Work, and I see ahead of me, Team Type 1, a pro team in last years and this years ToC. They’re just easily cruising along. Time comes up for me to do my next interval. I’m right behind them. What do I so? I blow by them on 2:00 minute interval. Gotta keep to the training schedule. I ease up. They catch me and pass me. Time comes for my next interval. I pass them again. I’m thinking to myself, “I must really look like douchbag”. I added two more intervals, just to try to show to them clearly that I was interval training and not challenging pro riders. Still, I should have turned around and done the intervals in the opposite direction, out of respect.
@david
I don’t think there’s a better way to put it than, “I do not drop you because I am training properly. I know how to train properly. You do not know how to train properly.”
@Nathan Edwards
Burn it, or put it in the attic and act like Austin Powers with the Swedish Made Penis-Enlarger Pump Kit any time someone spots you with it. “What? This isn’t mine…this sort of thing ain’t my bag baby!”
@xyxax, @david
That’s a tough situation. I also never want to get into a thing where you’re just kind of dangling along with another rider. Like yourselves (and Rob) I know how to train properly and I think that’s what you should focus on; we have our plans and coming across another rider does little else but to throw you off the schedule;
Do your ride like a good little Cogniscenti and stop pissing yourself over what other people must think of you.
Or, just carry pepper spray and spray the fuckers. It will raise a whole other set of issues and you won’t even worry about the original concern.
@BOB Some nice rules for sure, for commuters or racers.
–Don’t use the drops at speeds below 45 kph. Beautiful
–Helmets should have salt lines caked on the straps. Beautiful
And, my favorite, Jerseys must not have holes that were not caused by a racing accident.
And then,
If you are overtaken, re-overtaking just looks desperate, never do this. Find an alternate route. OR suck their wheel all the way to where ever they are going, with a large overlap and with excessive, loud freewheeling.
“a large overlap and with excessive, loud freewheeling” Oh my. Just beautiful. And, it is a good candidate for the definitive Rule to being overtaken by inferior riders.
Damn, I only have one beer left.
@david
You know how you fix that problem? Buy more beer.
@BOB
Agreed. Good stuff, mate.
@david
“that Hun bully Ina Teutenberg” heheheee.
I was living in Silver City NM 2009 Winter when the Garmin boyz were there for training camp. Riding back toward town on one of the long lonely highways of Southern New Mexico I look back to see one Garmin rider catching me whilst I was on an interminable uphill grade. As he came up I pulled out into the road so he could keep his line. It was DZ Nuts. I can’t remember if I said anything or not because I was completely awestruck at this complete package of lightness, power and grace floating past me. Mother Fucker, it there is any doubt these guys are from another planet(or a planet I will never visit) this was it.
I own an older Slipstream(pre-Garmin) kit and I didn’t wear it the whole time they were there for fear they would see me in it. I doubt they care but it made this big pussy squeamish to think of being seen by the Real Deal in their old kit.
@david
thanks David. I’d be in favor of sticking to the plan if you’re out training. Commuting is another story, it’s war.
@john
Different planet indeed. Story related to me by a mate, told to him by one of his cycling buddies who’d been out in a large bunch. Bunch hits hill, pace goes on, bunch starts to break up. This guy grits his teeth, applies Rule 5, and sticks with it while his lungs make increasingly painful efforts to burst out from behind his clenched teeth. Suddenly he realises there’s a rider beside him who has come up from behind him, but isn’t managing to push on with it and overtake. He somehow summons the strength to look and see who it is. He sees it’s Greg Henderson (see Rule 10). Sure, he’s a trackie-turned-sprinter, but still, he’s a pro. The chap experiences a momentary flash of joy, as he thinks “Bugger me, I’m holding level with Greg Henderson”. Then the balloon bursts as he realises Hendo is not puffing -and is, in fact, sitting up while he removes his jacket. That done, he is gone. And the lungs continue their relentless efforts.
New to all this and I am now facing a difficult conundrum that has me troubled: do I offer my own thoughts to this interesting (yet clearly definitive) set of rules and by doing so remove any opportunity of realising my own cycling nirvana? I see grey where there should be black and white in the rules and feel obliged to say something and yet I absolutely agree with the raison d’etre behind them – that of achieving a level of cycling understanding that is divine. However, by simply feeling the urge to respond, let alone writing and then submitting a response, surely this act will ruin said chances of this ever occurring? To reach divinity you must surely, and simply, “know” what is right or wrong – you don’t need a disciple to inform you it? If you need telling, then are you not already flawed? I could spend some time trying to figure this out.
However, I can’t be arsed as there are far more important things to worry about. Such as:
1. Rule 44- I know that this refers to “road bikes” but I feel that there should be some regulation with regard to TT bikes (NOT road bikes turned into TT bikes – note Rule 54). Surely this should read: “A rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low. However, a rider’s handlebars on their TT bike (NOT road bike with aerobars – see Rule 54) should always be at least 10cm. Inability to flex sufficiently is not an excuse – see Rule 5.”
2. Rule 51. I break this one and can’t be arsed (or feel the need to) explain myself. However, I also have a wrist band that says “Harden The Fuck Up”. Nothing more. Nothing less. What is the view on this? Is this just an inconvenient display of sarcasm (like a double-negative) or is it a great idea?
3. I suggest a rule 70. “The purpose of cycling is to win. End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule 5.” I sense that this might polarise some of your disciples but I feel that Rule 5 (which I wholeheartedly agree to – see above) in itself is not sufficient to really capture the essence of what we are trying to achieve here. It is about winning. Always has been and always will be. However, that win doesn’t need to be a podium (although this is preferable) but it may be simply about beating one’s own PB on a training ride – I’m not
extremist enough to suggest you have to podium every time you ride (although I think this is an interesting sub-sect that has real traction…). I think that by accepting this mantra the other rules that Rule 5 might disagree with have their place – i.e. what ever you need to do (legally – not follow in Roid’s example) to allow you to win is acceptable and if that means you have matching bar tape and saddle, then fine. I love to ride but I love to win more. One facilitates the other (but I can see that in a “chicken and egg” sense which comes first?) but surely the purpose of every ride is to prepare oneself to win. Fact.
Ok, despite my first para, I now accept that true enlightenment is now no longer possible but I do feel somewhat better for getting that off my chest.
Regarding @furoadiescumbags comment, the best thing is that I am predominantly (when I’m actually able to ride a bike) a mountain biker and a singlespeeder at that.
@david
There is a difference between wearing team kit and wearing championship jerseys. Is it wrong to be a fan of a team/rider? If you follow PROcycling then you are likely to at least form some allegiance for a rider or a team but how can you be a fan of a championship? To wear a championship jersey is a statement, it says you are the champion.
@steampunk @david sorry, but chasing people down is a sign that you lack class. You must remain impervious to the presence of another cyclist with whom you are not intentionally riding. This is for two reasons: 1) you may actually be a racer and therefore you should be following a training plan and 2)you can use the excuse that you are following a training plan when someone passes you as you are doing 12kph on the flat. It is a tool that allows those unfit cyclists to retain their dignity. Think of those Italian and French old boys toddling along in the sunshine, they can’t go any faster.
@xyxax
see the above point. You ignore them. If an ex-pro wants to willy-wave and run you down and half-wheel you, you let them and feel secure that at least you have class. Think about it, would Eddy chase a fred down and half-wheel them? I don’t think so, he had class.
@david
great stories and shows that you do indeed know how to train properly. You have my great respect for sticking to Your Plan, a lesser rider would have turned and trained the other way.
@BOB
commuting should be treated no differently to training/riding Stick to the plan. I mean, how confusing if you use your commute for your training?
Hmmm, perhaps there should be a rule about perfecting your victory salute. Something like: you must make sure your victory salute is stylish and well-rehearsed, even if you are unlikely to ever be in the position of winning a race
@Jarvis http://www.velominati.com/blog/racing/professional/the-salute/
@Jarvis Read all of this
@CharlieSome brilliant stuff here – “I absolutely agree with the raison d’etre behind them – that of achieving a level of cycling understanding that is divine.”
And “I love to ride but I love to win more. One facilitates the other (but I can see that in a “chicken and egg” sense which comes first?) but surely the purpose of every ride is to prepare oneself to win. Fact.”
Being slow this a.m. I will hold off on commentary…
As to team Kit it’s about being real. Not that I am a paragon for what should be, but every time I think “gee how cool to wear X team kit” (usually the best tour/euro kit) a little voice says “NOT”. My answer is my old team kits (which sadly because I am fat and won’t be peaking until July do not fit) or club kit or good looking fred wear (if there is such a thing?
The reason is this: If I was fit I would be in my team kit, if I was not fit but was trying to get fit I would be in my club kit and if like now I have no fitness to speak of I want to be incognito. Why draw attention to myself when most anyone out on the road can drop me??
Just contemplating wearing any championship kit makes me feel sick (but I did see a really cool messenger bag with world champ stripes that I want for my city errands).
@david, @jarvis, @frank: good stories, sage advice: Stick to your plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding and what they think. Class.
@BOB
Nice set of rules there guys. As I am from Newcastle, the place names are familiar to me. Gives me a pang of nostalgia (although driving in Sydney is enough to scare the shit out of me, let alone riding there).
BUT, as I am from Newcastle, and know the climate all too well, I have to take severe umbrage with the arm/knee/leg warmer rules. Knee warmers at 16c? Are you fucking kidding me? Legs at 14? arms at 15?
This is just plain wrong. Those are almost summer temperatures here in Wellington! I have only worn leg warmers 2 or 3 times in the three NZ winters I’ve experienced, and I’m a skinny bastard. Knee warmers are used on our 6am mid-winter rides when the temps are hovering around 4-6c. Mainly because I hate the look of full leg warmers on my skinny pins, so a bit of embro helps there. Plus, you soon warm up, and heed the Stijn creed.
I think you need to take a good dose of Rule 5 on your temps there guys, I’m thinking a couple of degrees at least!
Oh, it was great to read the word ‘Hubbard’ too… do you guys call the chainring tattoos ‘Hubbard marks’?
PS @ Geof
Even the 1750 have ‘no mirror’ rule…
Why would you ever want mirrors on your bike? WTF?! Is your head held in place by a neck brace – if so, take it off and HTFU. It’s akin to having bells on your bike. Does your mouth not work either??! (although a massive truckers-stylee horn might be pretty cool). If you are worried about getting hit from behind whilst out riding you have choices: either ride only up one-way roads the wrong way (prob not a good idea); don’t go outside – just use the turbo/rollers (wuss); or man-up and accept that you might get hit (but guess what, unless you are Superman or the Flash uou aren’t going to get out the way, even if you can see). Plus mirrors look naff. End of. Yes, even on commuter bikes.
Charlie, I’m heartened to see this.
“I suggest a rule 70. “The purpose of cycling is to win. End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule 5.” I sense that this might polarise some of your disciples but I feel that Rule 5 (which I wholeheartedly agree to – see above) in itself is not sufficient to really capture the essence of what we are trying to achieve here. It is about winning. Always has been and always will be.”
I’m currently writing a Cognescenti Hardmanifesto, titled the Work and the Way. It will be finished shortly. The first proposition of the thing is this.
1.0 The Work of bicycle racer is to win.
The rest of the manifesto derives from this fundamental fact, which you so clearly grasp. Welcome.
@Charlie
Indeed, welcome.
Let me lead by saying that John will barter for your Harden the Fuck Up wristband. He has given to these pages that his only regret in life is having passed on the opportunity to buy such a wristband.
Second, there is some substance to your Rule, although I disagree with the specifics. The purpose of cycling is to ride a bike; we ride for the love of our sport, whatever that may be.
Eddy Merckx:
Many of us compete, and for us the sense of competition is a quality inextricably linked to riding.
For a racing cyclist, the purpose of riding is to train. The purpose of training is to build fitness. The purpose of building fitness is improve performance. The purpose of improving performance is to compete. The purpose of competing is to win.
In competition, there is only one winner; everyone else loses.
I propose the following revision to your Rule:
The purpose of competing is to win. End of. Any reference to not achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule 5.
@xyxax
I also propose the following Rule, in your honor:
Stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition. [Insert reference to Rule proposed above.]
@frank
I’m taking some credit for that one…
@david @charlie
I love the ideas being put into the Cognescenti Hardmanifesto, there is a purity to it, but I don’t think I could ever sign up to it. I’m in this for style not winning. Looking good on the bike and to have everything “just right” trumps winning. Of course there is always the need to refer to Rule #5.
@Jarvis
Didn’t mean to say it was xyxax’s Rule; merely that it was in his honor for asking the initial question. I agree that credit for stating said Rule would go to you, my friend.
Cheers. Looking great makes losing just a bit more palatable, doesn’t it?
@frank
Thank you. Whilst i agree with your sentiments i am not sure that i could agree to your revision of my proposed rule. Sure the purpose of competition is to win, ergo it is a competition. If you turn up at a competition not trying to win, then you might as well go home, put your bike away and take up knitting instead (you could sell your bling steed for a knitting machine) and start producing comedy christmas jumpers. However, and this is a big however as i sense that this is not going to be universally accepted, if you are training and not competing in the truest sense of the word (i.e. turning up at local events to race), then i think you are doing yourself a disservice and not being honest to yourself. Every time you ride you are competing in one way or another, even if it is to simply beat a previous PB round your local training loop. In a more purist sense you might even suggest that every time you ride you are competing (in a Darwinian sense) with everyone else. To deny this is to deny your own raison d’etre (but i’ll happily admit that not everyone here will agree with this). Riding will make you fitter and is therefore for one sole Darwinian purpose – to compete and to win. So… To ride is to compete to win, whether you like it or not. I do like the idea of simply riding my bike for the sake of… riding my bike but i’m not sure i could do this without knowing on some level i was trying to compete. But as i said, i am sure that not everyone will see this in the purist way i do and i can happily co-exist with you.
On a lighter note – the HTFU wristbands can be found at http://www.hardenthefup.com/. Sweeeeet.
Wow a great day new Kit and 3 – count them, 3 new Rules!!! I like them all.
I’m not sure – is it no mirrors anywhere, or just no mirrors on the bike? (The one you sold me, Brett, is a helmet-mounted one, remember.) BOB … ?
Does reference to “accessories” in Rule #58 include clothing and wristbands? If so, an amendment to the rule is required to permit on-line acquisition of Velominati kit and HTFU wristbands.
@Geof
Good point but Rule or no Rule those wrist bands are going to go fast.
@Charlie
There’s certainly a difference between cycling and bicycle racing, or just competition on a bike. The Velominati, I believe, don’t profess to be the keepers of either. Many of the Rules don’t make sense for cyclists generally. Pure commuters should violate many of them simply on the grounds of safety. Nor do some of the rules have much at all to do with insuring wins in a bicycle race. There is another culture out there, and one that is hard to grasp. It is deeply informed by racing, particularly European road racing and its legends, but it is not a culture only for racers. My first glimpse of this culture came from the retired pros I met when I first started amateur racing. They talked about not wanting to be alienated from the “cycling life”, or “the life-style”, “the culture”; they wanted to stay in touch with it. I’m like, What life or culture is that? Over the years, I’m getting a better sense of it, but by no means do I grasp it completely. I take the Velominati to be attempting to mark out that culture with the Rules, in a fun way, without trying to decisively define that culture. (There may not be any one thing, or any precise thing to define. This is where the Rule Holists get their purchase, it seems.) No doubt, racing is at the core of the culture, or it should be, and that is why I am Rule 5 Fundamentalist. But it’s not just about actually racing. One can be a member of the culture and never have raced, either officially or informally–I believe, at any rate.
So, to say about a Rule, What the fuck does that have to do with winning a race? requires some care. It may not have anything to do with winning actually a race, but it may not follow that it has nothing to do with the culture.
Well, I’m off to ride. I’ve scheduled five brutal climbing repeats. I’ll be back after three, I’m sure, unless I . . .
Harden the fuck up.
@Geof
Yes, no mirrors anywhere, helmet ones are the worst. I rank helmet mirrors with moustache bars.
@Jarvis
Yes, the commuting / training line can get a bit blurry. Our commute is a bit unsuitable for training with all the stopping and starting etc, so I’ve got no problems with sticking it to hubbards along the way.
@David
Thanks for the insight. I get it, or at least i think i do. I clearly need to go and chill the fuck out.
Enjoy the ride.
@david
Chapeau. Very well said.
@brett
We call ‘em “Cat 5 Tattoos” over here.
It should be stated for the record that Marko got the Velominati v-cog tattooed on his Hardman calf.
@brett My rule for clothing is: if you are wearing more than me, you’re a big pussy and if you’re wearing less, then you have my respect.
You know those HTFU wristbands? See Rule #51, it’s the same fucking thing.
Rule #28 Black socks are only acceptable when worn with white or light coloured shoes and must never be worn with black shoes
Rob – do you still need that folding girl’s bike with the 14 inch wheels? I suspect a consnsus is developing that it is all I should be permitted to ride…
@frank
Oh, please! It’s always a race.
And given that I inadvertently started this discussion about the ethics of passing/chasing down other riders, I should stress that it was merely meant in the spirit of HTFUing at the end of long rides when the veins in your teeth are starting to bulge.
And, frankly, passing anyone in any context requires some kind of friendly greeting/acknowledgment. Velominatus or no, fred or no, on some level, they understand the sweet pain we are inflicting upon ourselves.
Hmm. The quote didn’t come through. That was in reference to #235.
@steampunk
always a race? Then you need to race more, my friend. As for greetings, I find “Bonjour” is a suitable greeting that acknowledges, not only the other rider, but also some of the heritage and the roots of the sport. And confuses the fuck out of people as well.
Jarvis is onto it… the HTFU wristbands suck as much as a yellow cockring.
Glad that my bringing the HTFU bands into your collective consciousness has caused problems already! ;) I still can’t figure out if they are meant to be serious or are taking the piss out of themselves.
As for racing/winning. I’ve reflected on my position and will remain steadfast. sure i “get” the other views on this but i don’t think that mine is mutually exclusive – far from it. I ride for fun (otherwise what’s the point!) but, in reference to my first post, i like to win more. Shame i don’t win more but it is the continued strive for further success (on whatever level) that keeps me going. Until my other half decides that the s-1 rule has finally reached the point in time where s=1.
@Jarvis
Oh, come now! Look: I’m always a couple of months from peaking, but it’s not a training ride unless you’re sweating blood.
I like the spirit of your greeting, but here in Anglo Canada, it might go down the wrong way. Many parts of the US, too, I would think.
@Geof
Geof :
Sorry Geof but actually the “Sweet Pea” is an upper level machine so you would have to go through rigorous testing at the next Velominati convention… part of its difficulty is keeping a straight line (as it is such a little potato chip) and mirrors do not function on it, as it is so small, body parts cut out any view from mirrors, so you need a high level of flexibility.
I have in the works a new book that may be of help – “Yoga on the Byke”. This will help for those who are inflexible and calcified in their riding habits.
Perhaps you in your professional capacity could help me over a small stumbling block? How can I limit my liability when the uptight yuppies that buy the book crash doing the stretches?
Yes agreed but there is something that makes me want to put one on my water bottle – that will serve 2 purposes – the bottle will never jump out of the cage and subliminally it will impress the ladies!
Stick to your training plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during competition. [Insert reference to Rule proposed above.]
Again I find myself philosophically in the middle. There are times when either point of view is good. I know Steampunk is talking about what Frank is talking about but some times it just feels so good to chase down those freds and blow by them!
The issue I have is that there are 3 different venues for non-racing riding:
Urban, suburban, and country. In London/NYC the interaction between people you pass is usually minimal except when it becomes a pissing war. Then, I think, you’re both douches (and I will go toe to toe till I drop in that situation). In the country it is more laid back and a question of sussing out where the other rider is at and choosing to interact. That means either slowing or chasing but usually there is acknowledgement and a joining of compatible riding styles or not. Suburban is a mix and too boring to go into.
I had a very nice experience yesterday. I had just started a ride in the evening and as I approached the first turn off my road an older guy in good looking kit and bike went by. I quickly caught up and sat on. Because of the shadow he knew I was there (unusually, I was following Rule #65). We were on a long gradual uphill and after an appropriate time I went to the front, after I had pulled to the top of a small rise I pulled over. He then led up the rest of the hill and at the top I took over again. He was quite puffed and I had just started out. Very shortly after I signaled to turn and he went on.
This was all in the space of 10 minutes and never a word was spoken but each of us was comfortable with the other and neither was trying to crush. We were compatible in skill, strength and intentions. It was nice.
@Rob
Maybe you can use them as a clamping mechanism on the folding bike? Maybe when it’s folded up, the HTFU wristband holds the whole thing together?
@ Frank,
Thanks Frank.
I submit that a new rule is carried in on the shoulders of giants (Jarvis, Steampunk).
By the way, I wonder if the late jazz trumpeter, Fred (Freddie) Hubbard was ever a cyclist?
@frank Thanks, just the ticket. You know one has to be hard as nails to ride the little devil…
This is the best cycling list I have ever found. Kick Ass.
@Chris
Cheers, thanks mate.
@xyxax
All of our Rules are built on the shoulders of giants; great insight there. As David pointed out to Charlie in his above dissertation, it’s a complicated mess, and we’re really just documenting that which is unwritten.
@Rob
Wow, that experience sounds really nice. That is a very rare one, and I think a great demonstration of the new proposed Rule; you were training, not competing – no one got into a pissing war to show any kind of dominance.
I say, keep the dominating for the races, and keep training for training.
Unless you come across a real twatwaffle who needs to be taught a lesson, in which case I enjoy deploying my carbon wheels and motoring by at a full clip, making sure they hear the howl of my wheels a good 10 seconds before I come by. Naturally, as you pass by at 2-3x their speed, you sit up, hands on the tops, and blow by with a casual wave and greeting, pretending like spinning around at 55kmph is just a casual thing.
It is, isn’t it? A couple of months from now, anyway?
Re: HTFU wristbands. I first heard about them when Stuey O’Grady was wearing one whilst on the CSC team. So they come from a good provenance. I will never forget seeing O’Grady riding the last 100k of a stinking hot TdF stage with a broken collarbone(#6 out of 15??) and getting in within the time limit. He was hoping it wasn’t broken and he didn’t want to drop out, maybe a good nights rest would fix things. No, it was broken and he did not start the next morning. He is “Mr HTFU”.
@Charlie And, I think you should remain steadfast. As do others, I’m sure. And, the claim, What the fuck does that Rule have to do with winning a bicycle race, may well be a legitimate claim to make here. I’ve implied it myself. I only said care is needed in making it. The cycling “culture” or “life” I alluded to, cannot be divorced from bicycle racing and it’s imperative. Win, Baby Win.
Yikes. Mixed-sports allusions. Rule 5 Baby, Rule 5!
@john
SOG is undoubtedly very, very hard. But, at the risk of some outraged responses from the “Hincapie is a Soft-Cock” brigade, I tink it appropriate to point out that “Big George” (as the Phil and Paul Show insists on sycophantically referring to him, despite his size and weight not being that remarkable) suffered the same fate last year, and not only refused an x-ray but stayed in the race, did a pretty respectable TT around Annecy then lead Renshaw and Cavendish into that extraordinary finale on the Champs Elysee (which destroyed Julian Dean’s chance of reflected glory, the bastards). If SOG’s effort was hard, Wee Georgie’s was too. Possibly even hard enough to make the more charitable amongst the Velominati (i.e. the non-Cognoscenti) overlook the occasional unnecessary wearing of shoe covers and other weather-protective kit…
@Geof
But I think SOG’s break was a compound one and he was hanging his musette bag off the broken shard sticking through his jersey. He so tough.
Big George indeed, all 72kgs of him, he’s one unhealthy looking person without a jersey on, Buchenwald thin. There is an unnatural amount of GH hating going on here or maybe Brett is extra-vocal(read pissed). Jarvis dislikes Jens, I dislike Voeckler for no apparent reason except he rides like a pussy out of the saddle. Unfair? Absolutely. I bet he is a great guy, still, I can’t pick him in the Super Prestige, ever.
@john
OK. Love SOG, but the lad falls off his bike too much, OK? I mean, just to keep his job, he should wear a wristband that says, “Don’t make a boo-boo”.
Christ, I love and hate riders for no reason other than that they look cool (i.e. Obey the Rules) or don’t. Fuck Rug Man. Fuck Roid. Fuck that fuckin’ Annon that won yesterday’s stage. If you don’t look cool on bike, I fucking will never be your fan. If you look like a stud but climb like a stone, fuck it, I’m in.
Boonen, Fabien, you’re my boys. Brothers Grimpeur – cheers. Jens – spot on, mate.
A-yo-yo? Sorry, I’m not on your train. Cadel? I want to like you, but until you stop trying to kill your bike with that gear you climb in, I can’t do it.
Frank, Right on. Some have it, some don’t.
Cadel doesn’t. He’s no doubt a rider, but outside that I couldn’t give a flying flip.
Fabian is the man, he has it, as does Big George. A lost favorite of mine is Vanderbroucke. He had it big time.
@Souleur
Cheers on VDB. Him and Pantani were cut from the same cloth. Great examples of why I’m so torn about drugs; their class was there, despite the obvious fact that they were gilled up on dope. But fuck it, the racing was top-notch.
Related reading on that one: Velominati VDB Memorial.
I don’t like rules apart from those that specify what you need to do to achieve your aims or goals. And those are just really the natural laws governing the cosmos. But, an experience on my ride today made it abundantly clear to me that Rules are needed. Toward the end of my ride, I finished climbing a grade. Some douchbag on a TT bike, clad in Capo “kit”, and wearing an aerodynamic TT helmet(!) passes me on the apex huffing and puffing. He says only, I shit you not, “It’s only after 80 miles that I really feel like I know what I’m doing.” Wtf? I say,”Then you ought to warm up in a smaller gear.” I’m not sure if he caught the comment. But, little does he know that after the 500 meter drop after the apex, I’m scheduled to sprint up the 300 meter, 15% grade that quickly follows, in the 53 x 12 gear. I have to keep up my sprint training commitments, after all. Of course, he’s got no power left, and I blow by him. Very satisfying, that was.
@david
80 miles on a TT bike sounds like hella fun. But then again, maybe I need to HTFU.
Well, I have no idea whether he actually had ridden 80 miles or not. I kind of doubt it, given the weird nature of his comment. The point I was trying to make is that the guy was insulting from top to toe. 1. He chased me down, pretending we were were racing on the open road. 2. He tried to impress me with the 80 miles bit, which wouldn’t impress anyone who was only two months away from peaking, and 3, he exposed himself as trying to impress me, but nevertheless indicated he didn’t know what he was talking about, or can’t really ride. I’m sure Rob can vouch for the fact that it should only take 30 minutes to an hour to find your best pedal stroke, not freakin’ 80 miles. If a firm set of sensible rules governed cycling, I’d not have had to endure the guy.
@david Too right, although I am no expert just a disciple of the “Stroke”. I think your story does really well to illustrate why All the Rules are important and why there is a Zen like nobleness to pure acceptance that brings with it freedom. Ahhh, it’s late and I really don’t know what that means. But he certainly sounded like a complete twat.
@david all the information needed is contained in the phrase, “Some douchbag on a TT bike, clad in Capo “kit”, and wearing an aerodynamic TT helmet(!)”. Was he doing a TT? No. Then what the fuck was he doing riding a TT bike and wearing an aero helmet? Quite clearly a twat. (Is there not a rule about these things?) I can understand that some consider that there are benefits of training on the TT bike, but to get away with breaking The Rules (if there isn’t one covering this, then there needs to be) you have to have exceptional style. But there is never any excuse for an aerpo helmet unless you are racing (and I think only then if you’re any good).
Not a huge fan of SOG either. I’m starting to wonder if I’m a fan of anyone, or whether the Drugs Issue has left me with a permanently damaged skeptical-gland and now I am only a fan of The Sport. In time I’ll try to get back to people on this subject.
Gh is a cold, souless being who forsook his own chances at greatness in the classics to make a fortune off the back of Armstrong. At least that’s the way I see it.
@frank
I think yu have something about passing people. If you have to pass another rider, then it must be done with as much nonchalance as possibly (so on the tops and whistling). Even if this means going into the red for a minute or two because you were only 1kph faster than the other rider. However this does not excuse you from being a twatwaffle if you chase someone down.
@steampunk
what about easy/recovery rides?
@Jarvis
Easy/recovery rides? To and from school with my daughter (on my MTB) and late in the day ride after mashing in the morning. New day: it’s on again! Real guns don’t need to recover; they need to hurt.
Actually, I’ve been keeping fairly funny hours on the bike recently (riding late mornings/early afternoons), and as a result, I’ve not encountered too many fellow riders. It’s a lonely existence, but it takes off some of the pressure…
@steampunk: last season my best lesson learned was how to rest after the hard days. Mine are usually just straight shots into work commuting.
In terms of TT pussies, leave TT to days against the clock, period. No cock-sucker TT-ist is going to have a 80mile TT fo find his legs so give it up. He obviously has an ego and thinks he is all that and a bag of chips and tells the school girls in gym class the same, but put him against the clock I doubt he could break a cat. 5 old ladies division.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-TT cause my next rig is a TT frame, will build it up myself for Omni-weekend races, and when it comes to training, it won’t be on the TT rig. TT’s are usually short straight shots 20-40k in our part of the country, and all I will do is enough to make sure its smooth and ready to race. We usually then have a crit in the afternoon, RR the next day.
But back to DB, since when does a TT/tri guy ride Capo? Aero helmet, crap?? Its an obvious short and insuffecient phallus complex where one buys an aero in hopes to make up for his impotence.
@david: glad you buried him:-) You did him a big favor, believe me, do it like you bury anything else…silently.
I’m already biased against pure TT guys and time-trialing in general. The discipline is suspicious. Race of truth? Hmm. Really? I thought Cancellara vs. Boonen at Flanders was a real race of truth. Two champions battling it out, man against man.
@david
Excellent work man, crushing TT-DB guy after him saying something so insane. Jesus, after 80 miles I’m so on the couch.
Jarvis-“I’m starting to wonder if I’m a fan of anyone, or whether the Drugs Issue has left me with a permanently damaged skeptical-gland and now I am only a fan of The Sport.” Yeah, I understand that and I love your Hincapie summation! Wow.
On passing riders-I used to keep a few fake cigarettes in the car for general self-amusement, they contain talc(or asbestos) with a foil ember ash end, very convincing. But I used to fantasize about keeping one in a jersey pocket so when a twatwaffle had to be passed one would first get one’s breathing under control, have cigarette hanging out of mouth and cruise by whilst breathing through nose, casual nod, blow on by.
Tips hat @John.
Amen.
@steampunk @david
or was Flanders: Boonen vs. Motorised Cancellara? I would hardly call that the race of truth, but it could be a race of truth…can we have a look at your bike Fabian?
@Jarvis
Oh, please! De Muur was cycling poetry. Two men leaving their guts all over the course. Cancellara breaking away was absolutely beautiful, and Boonen crossing the finish line was heart-breaking.
@Jarvis
A little Swiss electric motor hidden in the bottom bracket, genius!
@steampunk
For your (and everyone else’s) information, the first I heard is here:
http://theinnerring.blogspot.com/2010/04/does-cancellara-have-electric-bike.html
and his follow-up:
http://theinnerring.blogspot.com/2010/05/electric-bikes-are-in-peloton.html
The Inner Ring has very good information and is a very astute commentator.
If it is true, then I think it’s worse than doping.
Oh and did anyone see the Tour of California. Apparently Cancellara was in that race. Have a look down the TT results and I mean down. Odd that he didn’t do a very good time. Even on bad days testers tend to do OK. The following day Marco Pinotti tweeted, “start thinking that this story of “motorized doping” isn’t a complete bull—t” Coincidence? I’d guess it was either a comment on how badly Fab went, or about Nibali soloing to a stage win. Nibali lost 20 seconds in the last km, so either he blew, or his batteries went flat.
@Jarvis
I’ve heard the rumors and conspiracy theories, but as much as anything, I don’t want to believe. Spartacus is the quintessential hardman at the moment and quite the character. I don’t put much into the ToC performance. He just tore up Europe and was in Cali as a tourist (along with the rest of the Saxo squad).
Motorized doping? I thought that was kind of a joke. At any rate, it’s not odd that Cancellara was down on the TT results at the ToC. And, he wasn’t down. He was a minute, ten to twenty seconds down on Rogers, Zabriskie, and Leipheimer over a 34 km course, with lots of turns on it. Everyone knows his time-trialing forte is constant speed. Further, he’s said himself he’s been taking it easy since Roubaix. And, Saxo Bank reported he was sick at the beginning of the race. “Oh, they just said that, when they realized they better not risk using the motor.” Are we at the point where the charge of cheating of any form will be accepted to explain a superlative performance? God, I hope not.
@david
Young A. Grimpeur was OTB on a lot of climbs in ToC too. Maybe his battery was spent or maybe Saxo Bank were using ToC to slowly ramp up their condition as no one really cares about winning the ToC compared to the Giro.
“Hey Fabio, how come Fabian’s bike weighs 13kg? All the other team bikes weigh 6kg less?”
“Get back to work, Gianni, and stop asking questions”
I think the motor talk is nonsense. It sounds like it should be in the Onion. The battery necessary to actually assist a 75kg person would not fit on a bike, the weight of a motor and battery would be substantial. If this is true, I’ll eat my chamois!
I don’t particularly want to believe it, but those reports are fairly solid. Talk from the peloton and Cassani was the guy who let slip about Rasmussen and had to defend that.
John, do you want your chamois fried or roasted?
In a bad copy of one of Bretts posts – NO! (x 32). I am with John on this; ok the battery could be in the water bottle…. But just – NO.
I will have chamois as appetizer (baked) and eat my bike for the main course and for desert, never watch another Pro race, if this is more than News of the Screws rumor.
Oh come ON! Surely there’s a physicist reading this who can do some quick numbers and explain what all of us instinctively feel must be the case – i.e. that the additional power you’d get over, say, an hour from a battery that small would be negligible, once the additional weight has been taken into account. Surely. Someone? Anyone? Bueller?
Ok, ‘motorized doping’. what is next guys?
Boonen could have had a jetsons jet pak in his camelback and he wouldn’t have caught Cancellara. Give it up, Boonen got his arse handed to him in his back yard.
Seriously? You guys don’t like the little baby motor in your crankset idea? I love it. In fact, as soon as Nashbar starts making them with their brand name I’m in. Do you think I’ll need a frame with a bigger BB? Maybe they will make a retrofit kit to accomodate the “old” technology. It’s simply the logical progression of things. Round wheels>carbon fiber>little baby motors in your crank.
Think of it this way, you’ll be able to start putting beer in your bidon and twinkies in your jersey.
@Souleur
Thankfully there is a Rule about camelbacks; we all know Boonen wouldn’t break a Rule, even to hide a jetpack.
That was close.
I’m with the John Chamois Eating Buffet. It’s very far-fetched. Just like riders transfusing their blood for…oh.
@Marko
Maybe that’s what the whole BB30 standard is actually for. Bigger BB’s to accomodate motors.
If there are motors in the bunch, I bet all the batteries are hooked up to the dynamo in Fabien’s bike.
oh….I hadn’t thought of that. Good point fella’s
That’ll be the new Campy super-duper Record (baby crank-motor included) in direct competition w/Di2
BB30=BabyBooster 30 wattage
Next generation will jump up a remarkable 25% to 40 watts boost, which translates into significant reductions in training and lazy-assness.
A video explaining how mechanical doping might work
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Nd13ARuvVE
Using mechanical doping as a punnish segue, a new rule proposal: It’s the engine, not the wheels; or the indian, not the arrow. Or does that run up against Rule 4?
@Jarvis
But really, this is Spartacus we are talking about. He has been fucking dropping everybody for quite a while. Milan-San Remo? Drags a motorized bike 270Km then fires it up in the last 500m.
If Voeckler was riding away from Tommeke I would be wondering but the World Time Trial Champion, I have no doubt.
If it all goes pear shaped, I would enjoy my chamois sautéed in chamois butter, if you please.
@Geof
See Ron’s take over at “Cozy Beehive.” http://cozybeehive.blogspot.com/
He’s a mechanical engineer and he’s not buying it. With graphs and diagrams!
So it must be right.
@xyxax
Thanks. Not sure I understand all the technical stuff. But the conclusion seems sound – though there must still now be a prospect that Big Bad Pat tries to introduce a “mechanical passport”…
Man, when you look at the video, it does seem kinda suspect the way he accelerates without any perceptible extra effort… he just, well, motors away! I always thought Spartacus had a big engine, but maybe he really has a small engine?
@brett
Oh no. Say it ain’t so…
@all
this is my last post on the motor-doping subject. I apologise for cluttering up the comments for The Rules
@brett
is that the Roubaix attack? Scary smooth isn’t it. I tried to work out whether there was any increase in cadence as you’d expect in an attack…I really don’t want this to be true, but sources are fairly strong and rumours are coming from the peloton.
@xyxax
I’m reading the cozybeehive as I type this and the first thing is that he only found out about it yesterday. the first mention I heard of it was in the link in comment #289 and that was April 16th. It’s not a new story, just a slow-burner.
I’m not convinced about the arguement that the motor would need to supply and extra 200-250w. Surely an extra 50w would be more than enough to drop another rider. 50w is a lot of additional power for a cyclist
As for the noise, there are rumours circulating (how do you think I found them) from the peloton suggest there is a noise – of course, almost impossible to verify.
As for being able to make it all work, again I’ll argue against cozybeehive. These are pro cycling teams with budgets of millions. They used to have fully-funded doping programs running into the hundreds of thousands, A lot now have wind-testing programs, these run at about $1000 per hour, so for a team of 28 like Garmin, if erach rider only has an hour a year in the wind-tunnel, that’s $28,000. The Gruber assist retails for less than $2,000, for something that will guarantee results (more-so than wind-tunnel testing) $26,000 could go a long way to develop the system. Again, I’m not saying that this is what is happening, and I’m generally re-hashing information I’ve picked up across the internet, but I also think that cozybeehive’s report was lightweight and served only to dismiss the idea and not to investigate.
Anyway, can we get back to The Rules.
I think there is one missing (although probably only because I’m a Brit). Brakes must always be “euro-style” ie. front on the left.
Suggestions:
amend Rule #17
1) you must never wear full team kit 2) you don’t wear kit from more than one team on the the same ride.
New Rule:
If you are a member of a club or a team, then you must never wear any kit other than of the club/team to which you belong. You have chosen to join that club/team for a reason, therefore you must represent them when out on the bike.
New Rule:
How kit is worn. It must never clash with another item of kit, it must look good, It must fit correctly: the jersey must never be pulled down to cover the arse. If you have saggy pockets, you must never load them so that they distort the shape of the top – you will have to go hungry and risk a puncture. Either that or get a new top with better pockets.
New Rule:
Thou shalt never not wear socks. There is no excuse for ever exposing ankle-bones.
No freakin’ way! Brett would crash. So would I. So would everyone else down here. It’s bad enough trying to reconcile seasons and tights / warmers rules and cycling without a mirror. Can’t cope with changing brake hands, too (as well as having to pay Brett’s shop to change the brakes over, and my wife’s colleagues to patch me up from a thousand crashes). That rule may be OK for Northern Hemisphere, but when you’re on the opposite side of the globe you do things the opposite way. So the rule needs to reflect Hemispheric alleigances – front brakes on left for Northern Hemisphere riders, right in South.
@Geof Not in agreement with that Geof on this one I think we should honor tradition and since the white man in the Antipodes has no traditions it has to be Euro…so HTFU, switch over and man up when you crash.
New Rule
When given the choice of 2 rides always take the longer/harder.
Was in this stuation yesterday and my friend Elliot suggested this.
Rob, fuck off! We run brakes the proper way, moto-style. Right front buddy. Man up, you change em…
@rob
damn right on both the lack of traditions in the colonies and on the choice of rides.
@brett @geof
Britain rides brakes the wrong-way around. It’s not hard to change and you feel so much better for it. Besides it makes the cable routing look rubbish, causes cable rub on the headtube and you don’t need brakes anyway.
Brakes are for Pussies….
Good candidate for a Rule. And, it’s an instantiation of Rule 5, for sure.
@brett
Shit is getting out of control. The video of Cancellara’s attack at Paris-Roubaix is on the verge of becoming the new Zapruder film. Consider the following Youtube comments.
Jeuke86: Look at cancelarra’s right hand at 2:05, is he boosting up his motor???
Prometheus4068: Lol at 2:10 he’s just cycling and then suddenly he accelerates hugely without even increasing pace. WTF Are the others breaking or something?
Nevermind the fact that Hoste, on FC’s right stops pedaling as FC starts accelerating, and also the fact that the guy in front of Hoste starts soft pedaling a moment later. Nevermind the fact that one can accelerate without changing candence by shifting and increasing effort. No, the underdetermination of theory by the video data will lead the sport’s legion of cynics to indulge themselves to no end.
The Missing Shift Theory. We should have seen a shift with the right hand when Cancellara accelerates. But we don’t. So, his accelerations can only be explained by the motor finally kicking in gear.
The Clever Landscaper Theory: Bjarne Riis new that that spot would be a perfect place for Cancellara to attack. That’s why he urgently told him to attack right then. That’s a fact you can’t deny. He told him to attack. Why did he tell him to attack? It’s not because Boonen is at the back. Don’t be naive. No, Riis was spotted in a Belgian nursery the week before. That’s fact. He’s on video tape. What on earth would a Director be doing in Belgian nursery? There’s no way to explain it, unless he’s buying shrubs to plant alongside the road at the place he wants Cancellara to turn the motor on. The shrubs hide Cancellara’s hands at the time of the attack from the helicopter camera. You can’t deny it.
the fact that the video provides insufficient data to show that FC shifted, will provide the basis for the “missing shift” theory. “If Cancellara had shifted, we would should see him shifting. But we can’t.” And, even if it did, the data would be reinterpreted. “No, that’s not a shift. He’s powering up his motor right there. Don’t be so naive.”
Brett whilst I am honored no humbled to be told fuck off (and I can hear the accent in my head) by you but I stand firm on this one. My BMW is front right but bikes need to be front left – no exceptions. And if ole dycklexic me can do it you lefties can too. Oh and if the “white” thing bothered you I apply the same standard to the states because of what we did to the real Americans is just as disgusting (I know this is slightly off track but shite it’s a rant – low blood sugar after 300k+ long weekend).
@GeofOk, had a few ales and feeling better, reread Geofs plaintive reasoning “So the rule needs to reflect Hemispheric alleigances – front brakes on left for Northern Hemisphere riders, right in South.” If that is what you guys do down under then you better stay with it.
But the Rule sounds much better left as Jarvis wrote it:
Brakes must always be “euro-style” ie. front on the left.
@Rob
Given that I am an unrepentant offender in respect of The Mirror Rule, and Brett knowingly assisted in the original commission of that offence (albeit having subsequently tried to distance himself from its repetition), it would be entirely understandable if the Rules Committee were to disregard our views on any proposed new rule in respect of which the only counterargument we can muster is “we’ll breach it”. At least you have the consolation of living a long, long way away from us.
@Geof You raise an interesting point I have been trying to come to grips with. You have given me the inspiration to name it: The “we’ll breach it” Rule.
I think we need a way to get out from under the Rules for certain situations. Honestly I have never been a big rule follower and I sense others too (OK mainly SGW and I’m sure John would step up to the charges, maybe Brett???) are also uninterested in helping the Man. So when, unlike in life, you come across a set of rules that make perfect sense and you want to be a true follower for the first time ever – you feel a little fucked… I mean in a, I do and I don’t sort of way.
What this means is there needs to be a rule in the Rules that allows for things exactly like this North/South divide. That way I won’t be sitting up here so far, far away thinking there is some guys looking unvelominatus when they are braking through the sheep herds strewn across the sheep paths.
As to the mirror thing lets let that go, I mean my understanding is that it is not a helmet mounted one so there is hope? And I kind of give no blame to Brett on that one I mean a buck is a buck or is it a kiwi??
@Rob
Sheee-it – you’re seriously risking the wrath of the Cognoscenti there, fella.
We Rule Holists would have no issue positing / supporting a Meta Rule along those lines. It would have to require unwavering loyalty to the spirit which animates the Rules – “the vibe”, as the hapless lawyer Denis DeNuto puts it (in respect of the Australian constitution) in “The Castle”, Australia’s second-greatest export (Brett being Australia’s greatest, of course). But, within those parameters, it might then permit a little latitude – maybe overlooking minor infractions if one generally made reasonable endeavours to observe to the extent practicable as many of the other Rules as much of the time as is feasible. My only concern is whether such a Meta-Rule would also have to respect the primacy of Rule 5. On the one hand, I think it should. On the other, that might result in something which is indistinguishable from the Creed of the Cognoscenti, and I am not sure that would be A Good Thing. So am quite conflicted on the issue, really. Probably need more beer.
@Geof
Rob’s reflectiveness is encouraged amongst the Cognescenti. After all, we are the one’s who COGnize scientia. And, from another perspective, Rob is abiding by Rule 5 Fundamentalism. If we are all governed by the Rules, and many of the Rules are inconsistent with Rule 5, then the Cognescenti need a morally permissible way to violate those Rules. For example, I will never drink an espresso or a macchiato before or after a ride, as Rule 56 demands. (What the fuck is a macchiato?!?) (Rob, did you really propose this rule??) If there is a meta-rule that permissibly allows me to drink plain fucking house coffee, then we’re not in principle opposed to it.
@Geof
I have no doubt that your writing “SWG” rather than “SGW” was perfectly honest. But, what’s with “Cognoscenti”? As a lawyer, likely familiar with at least a bit of Latin, the difference might not escape you. It’s “Cognescenti”. Are you mocking us Geof?? Are you saying the Rule 5 Fundamentalists cognize no scientia? Oh, you re a snake.
@david I wondered whether anyone would notice that. Didn’t want to actually raise it, as this site is about cycling not grammar and etymology. But, as you’ve raised it … I think the more usual spelling is “cognoscenti” with an “o” (after “cognos”, which I dimly recall from school days is Latin for knowledge, and from which “cognize” is also, I think, a derivation). This, of itself, would not be sufficient to put me off use of the “e”, if that is the name by which you wish to be referred. (Correcting another chap’s name would be a bit rich coming from a man who chooses not to spell “Geoff” properly.) But then I Googled “cognescenti” (with the “e”), and found that it appears to be a type of Nike footwear. So then I had a problem. I figured that you fellas wished to be known more for your “knowledge” (i.e. the sort of deep knowledge which can only come from intimate familiarity with a fundamental truth and rigid adherence to the associated principles) than for your footwear. On the other hand, calling you out on it would (i) be difficult to do without coming across as a wanker, and (ii) might make you feel that, in light of Rule 5, you had no choice but to run with the “e” rather than quietly shift to the “o”. So I steered a middle course – paid you the respect I felt you deserved (in much the same way as I respect many ascetics even though I do not wish to join them) but did not make an issue out of it. Unusually, therefore, for a man in my profession, on this occasion I was not trying to be a snake. Or to mock. And, if you wish to be referred to as a shoe rather than a shaman, in future I shall do so. (OK, that last bit was a touch mocking. But the rest wasn’t.)
@Geof Just re-read my last post. I was right. It is difficult to discuss the point and not come across as a wanker. Apologies, all. Sigh …
“On the other hand, calling you out on it would (i) be difficult to do without coming across as a wanker, and (ii) might make you feel that, in light of Rule 5, you had no choice but to run with the “e” rather than quietly shift to the “o”.”
Nice.
But, calling us out on it would (i) reveal that frank was choosing the name out of ignorance for the niceties of Latin, or (ii) reveal that he was purposefully labeling us as shoes, since we did not choose the name, and I, for one, profess no expertise in Latin.
@david Yeah, boy. Not only did you sound like a wanker, but after reading my post, I sound like a wanker, too. Let’s stipulate that this conversation is over.
The Lexicon says, “Cognescenti”. So be it.
@david Done. Cognescenti it is. Could someone post something about cycling, now?
@Geof
@david
Actually, I coined the term ‘cognoscenti’.
As the grammatist around here, I’m calling it; use an ‘o’ not an ‘e’. It’s akin to spelling peloton with an extra ‘e’ instead of an ‘o’. It’s not fucking on.
Lexicon changed. Cognoscenti activated.
Obey the Lexicon.
Right, I can now say I am with the fundamentalists and embrace the cognoscenti!
But David – Oh man you are pushing buttons here! You have bad, bad issues with liquids and if you want to be the racer that we all are hoping you will be you must get in line. I cringe at what you might say next about liquid during a race because your attitude and complete disregard for the REAL drinks of the world, especially as a brilliant leader of the cognoscenti movement, frankly makes me worried.
We are done with the beer thing but now this:
“For example, I will never drink an espresso or a macchiato before or after a ride, as Rule 56 demands. (What the fuck is a macchiato?!?) (Rob, did you really propose this rule??) If there is a meta-rule that permissibly allows me to drink plain fucking house coffee, then we’re not in principle opposed to it.”
I do not know where to start, ok an espresso before might by some be considered to much but after?? And I am with you on the macchiato (I do not know Italian), not knowing what it is, but I know I like it and I know why! I avoid starfucks like the plague and find small local coffee houses that know how to roast and brew.
So again you go for the dishwater US sad little imitation of the real thing. This must be because you have never left our great shores or if you did, you spent all the time away in England (sorry Joe). The only other possibility is that you never saw Breaking Away and did not get IT.
IT being that there are certain things in the world that the US has completely trashed that in their original form that were things of beauty. Some being; Italian bicycles, Italian women, Italian design, Italian food (do you see a theme and order here?) AND Italian Coffee!!!
Just for the record the other Rob was responsible for this PERFECT Rule and I bow down to him.
@Geof
@david
Ok now that thats off my chest… Does this mean that both sides agree and The “we’ll breach it” Rule can go ahead?
“IT being that there are certain things in the world that the US has completely trashed that in their original form that were things of beauty. Some being; Italian bicycles, Italian women, Italian design, Italian food (do you see a theme and order here?) AND Italian Coffee!!!” – Rob
Jeez-o-boy! I get up and read this post in the morning drinking my Italian roast coffee made the proper way, kiss my Italian girlfriend goodbye on her way to work, and look at my Italian bicycle leaning against the wall that I will ride later. Sometimes it takes someone else’s perspective to have me realize how lucky (and compliant)I am. Perhaps I should convert to a cognoscenti.
My Man! I am so completely jealous! I will even forgive the breaking of Rule #11.
Perhaps your reaction about considering joining is the crux of the matter? I mean if you are here involved in any conversation, no matter what beer/coffee you drink you are Cognoscenti. Or rather we are all of one mind and it is just details that threaten to make a needless schism. That is why the Meta Rule “we’ll breach it” sounds good to me.
Ok, Brett?
@Marko
The rule about Italian bike only works if it means ” handmade steel Italian bike”, not the Chinese made carbon fiber stuff with an Italian brand name printed on ( I confess I am guilty of breaking this particular rule with one of my rigs).
@John
Hmmm, point taken but I’m fairly certain my carbon ALAN cyclo-cross bike was actually made in Italy. Sure, it’s not steel, but as far as I’ve been able to discern, it was handbuilt by goombah artisans in the motherland.
My girlfriend, Sheri, on the other hand was made in the USA but undoubtedly retains strong Italian traits and pedigree. Mostly fun but can be juxtaposed by my Scandinavian disposition and upbringing.
@ John: Right on, hand made steel from Italy is just that. Tiawan is just that, Tiawan. BTW…its killing Colnago
@ Marko: I must admit, I am a fairly rigid ole bastard when it comes to the Rules. I love them, I follow them, afterall I have been riding 20 years now and find myself wondering in a peloton of likeminded cyclists of ‘if it is right’. Thank God for Cognoscenti putting this in a divinely inspired written format for us to use. Anyway, I love these Rules, but can seen not an exception but rather the Cognoscenti turning a blind eye to certain elements like your Alan cx rig because indeed there are some artisans outside of Italy building some really great stuff, like Sachs? Indy Fab? and a host of others too numerous to mention here, so kudo’s to you.
That said, my bianchi’s and Pinarello will stand as is, and my next ride will be Pinarello. They are really speciale’.
And back to Rules: Rule 29-thou shalt not use saddlebags. I have a terrible thing. What about if one runs tubulars. Can one properly have a tubular folded, bound by a toestrap (campy) and have it stored under the saddle as spare??
Gratie Cognoscenti….(bow)….
The Rule breaking meta-rule is dangerous. Even Opus Dei does not stick its finger in the eye of the Vatican.
@david
Couldn’t agree more. These are rules, not guidelines. Moreover, you can never, ever decide that it’s okay to breach Rule #5.
Tubular? Properly folded? Campy toe strap? Thats what the rails under the seat are for! You did not need to ask.
But somebody should.
@Rob
Right on.
@Souleur
I would say that not only is it acceptable, it is de rigeur.
@all
No Rule-Breaking Meta-Rule! Are you guys crazy? That’s like adding an Amendment to the Constitution that says the Constitution doesn’t count.
There is, however, a Meta Principle that binds The Rules together, as David pointed out earlier. This Principle is based on the notion that The Rules are meant to capture the spirit of the rich history, tradition, and culture of our sport.
There is some room for interpretation, which is where the Cognoscenti come in. They argue that some Rules weaken the purity of the Principle whereas Rule Holists claim that embracing them all is what the Gods of our sport who writ The Rules truly meant.
You can only break a Rule if you can justify how the Rule breaks with the Meta Principle of The Rules.
Affixing mirrors to your bike or helmet shrouded in the arrogant notion that your family would be “better off” if you lived through your bike ride clearly breaks with this Principle. See Rule 4 and Rule 11. As does placing your front break on the right. The claim that motor bikes are set up this way is rubbish. Fuck me, but aren’t we riding bicyles? No motors, right (right?)? Are you also planning to afix a clutch to the left and put the rear brake in your crankset?
Come the fuck on.
The Rules Meta Principle: The purpose behind each Rule is to capture the embodiment of cycling’s rich History, Tradition, and Culture.
@John. My C50 is hand rolled, glued and tested between the soft, downy thighs of Italian virgins. Besides that, when suitably battle scarred, I’m beginning to think they have a distinctly cool character that’s all their own. Mine was positively glowing with pride when I took it back to the motherland recently – I damn near bought the fucker it’s own espresso….
Most winning-est Carbon in the Queen of the Classics too, or was until recently methinks???
I think it’s less about material, more about encapsulating the spirit of a thousand Pasquales who realised the dreams of a generation of rouleurs with a hot welding torch and half smoked roll up.
@david My remarks on the meta-rule are probably confusing. Any discussion of a meta-rule for violating the Rules should be held secretly behind closed doors amongst the Cognoscenti and then only in very quiet whispers. The public assertion or contemplation of such a rule would be, as I mentioned, like Opus Dei publicly jabbing it’s finger into the eye of the Vatican.
@all
fuck me, you all got a bit busy today.
@geof @rob @brett
You’re all fucking wrong about the mirrors. You can have one, but you’ll be wrong.
About them brakes. Swapping the brakes from “British” to “Euro” was the first Velominati thing I did ever at the age of 16. That is how important I hold this proposed rule.
@rob @david
rob +1 on David’s issue with drinks. Rule #56 is essential. Just imagine, sitting at a small, wobbly metal table in the leafy-shade of a rustic European town square, your kit and body is velominati perfect and your photographer has been briefed about pedal angles and that it can only be black & white. You get the photos a few days later and fuck me, don’t you look a total twat trying not to spill your oversized mug of coffee while trying to wipe the frothy coffee from your nose.
I didn’t realise there was an Italian rule. Personally I prefer French things over Italian. I’ll take your Colnago’s, Pinarello’s and Gios’ and raise you Lapierre, Gitane and LOOK.
@all
The Cognoscenti argue that some Rules weaken the purity of the Principle, yet they like weak drinks.
Hey, get me. I’m a fist cat Velominati.
*first
For that I deserve a fisting
So, has anyone checked to see whether Spartacus has his front brake on the left or the right … ?
@Jarvis
WOAH! Velominatus Level 1! Congratulations!
@Geof
Dear all,
As an Italian, I feel that the rules reflect a real Italian spirit of riding.
I was riding in the 90′s in Italy and i, and everyone else, would have not been caught dead breaking any of the above rules.
That said I must remind you that 15 years ago, the rules would have forbidden the use of large water bottles and double water cages;Helmets were for freds, oversized tubing,even the steel kind, was strictly forbidden and the first clipless pedals were frown upon.
That is to say that the rules slowly adapt to the improvement of bike technology, but keep the spirit of the tradition alive.
+1 Frank on the mirrors. I can’t believe anyone cares. Really. What are you gonna do, dive in the ditch everytime you have a close call and then say ‘whew, lived through that one’….or just hold your damn line and tell the SOB that drew in close to you that he has an ass whippin next time you see him?? I prefer the angry latter.
Also on Rules Meta principle: we better be careful that we ‘got a Rule’ but just in case you don’t like it…well…file it under ‘Meta principle’.
Its like saying see Rule #5, but if it hurts, well maybe just see that rule later tomorrow some other time.
The outcome will be the same, names need not apply. Next time you ride with your buddies, you’ll be a pussy, so be careful how you justify your ‘exceptions’.
@geof Front Left:
@frank
you need to change The Community section of this page now…
@Jarvis
Done! Well done, mate!
Guess I’d best contribute something now
@Jarvis
Nice work Jarvis. I now pass the cinelli cap and espresso goblet to you.
Jarvis, congrats on your Level 1 Velominati status. I wonder if it was this cheap shot that got you over the hump.
<@all
The Cognoscenti argue that some Rules weaken the purity of the Principle, yet they like weak drinks.
My, my. And who wouldn’t know that the mere mention of Coors Light would twist the panties of fastidious Europhiles? (I’ve been doing it for years to get just that effect.) Same thing for my twice now public derision of Rule 56, and my mention of wearing two pairs of tights. There was some artifice in those remarks. Namely, the predictable responses give me the opportunity to again say, as I did in the beginning: What the fuck does that have to do with winning bicycle races?
I myself have said that the Rules should not just be about what is necessary and sufficient for winning races. It’s not a manual for bike racing. There’s more to cycling than formal racing. Fine, but the question must still be central, or else there’s a real danger of aestheticizing the sport. (Aestheticization: placing less and less value on the goals or aims the practice was originally set up to achieve, and more and more value on the way things appear.)
From what I’ve seen among amateurs, the sport is already too aestheticized. I.e., too many cyclists are caught up in fashions and trends and appearances and not on winning, or performance generally. They can get away with this because they can sit in the pack. Cycling, as beautiful and painful as it is, has got to be the only sport where weaker, less fit athletes can pretend to compete with first rate athletes. This is due to the laws of physics, of course. And, that fact is a breeding ground for aestheticism.
John’s comment gives me the opportunity.
My initial and continuing difficulty with the Rules is that they threaten to aestheticize cycling, to turn it into a fashion governing the way things appear, mostly or completely due to the local and contingent sensibilities of some in-crowd.
If Eddy Merckx did something, say, kept pristine white bar tape, one also might do so as a symbolic way of invoking the cannibalistic spirit of Eddy Merckx. These sorts of rituals can be very important. (I’m looking for some myself. That’s some of my interest in this site.) But, to make it, or something like it, a condition of being a cyclist is ludicrous. If the contingent sensibilities and quirks of the great heroes of the sport led to them to do, say, or wear certain things, and these bear no causal relationship to winning, or performance generally, then they should not be cited as defining membership in the sport or as a virtue of the sport.
The first virtue of bicycle racing is hardness. This is why Rule 5 is the The Rule of Rules.
No, my mention of drinking Coors Light and drinking coffee after rides, so far from failing to adhere to Rule 5, is the manifestation of my commitment to The Rule.
Fastidious wheel sucker: Oh, but what should I drink at the cafe? A macchiato like the Italians? What did Eddy drink after his rides!?? Should I wear my cap into the cafe? Do you know?
Rule 5 Fundamentalist: You’re concerned about what to drink after sittin’ on my wheel all day? Harden the fuck up. Drink whatever you feel like drinking. Just, next week you had better put your fucking nose into the wind and try to win a sprint.
That photo of Motorcus was before he took up motorcycles… he rocks right/front, left/clutch now. We’ll probably see him in a full face helmet and these at the Tour.
@david Way to go, David. You’re on a roll. And all fuelled by nothing stronger than Starbucks and Coors. Outstanding.
Buries head in hands “its all my fault, sorry, so sorry”.
I feel like Mishima and can’t find the right reply…
@david
This was very beautifully and cogently put. And a very articulate means of saying what I’ve been trying to understand for myself. Pain and suffering in the saddle is not for appearance; it is for a higher purpose, whether that be competition, personal fitness/challenge, escapism, or the sheer and exhilarating need for speed. It is through work that we best understand the physical environment around us and channel the deeper mysteries of the self. To feel the burn in the legs or the lungs on that long and/or steep ascent: there is no better way to find one’s inner self. There’s no better feeling than to have mind and body in total conflict and for the mind to win: “Shut up legs!” Or to know that that wheel sucker doesn’t have an extra gear in his bag and you do.
Bring the hammer, brothers and sisters: today we ride!
All sorts of promotions. Steampunk, now Level 2. Congrats. I feel the Cognoscenti movement is growing. You, though, may just be a masochist.
“Or to know that that wheel sucker doesn’t have an extra gear in his bag and you do.”
God that is a fantastic feeling. It may be cycling specific, or more pronounced in cycling.
@Rob For you, Rob, I had a sixer of Fat Tire last night.
@david
the thing is, I no longer race – or if I do, I am not in a position of fitness to win, therefore for me, the sport is all about the aesthetic. That said,when I did race, there was always an element of practicality thrown in to ensure that I did the most I felt I could to make myself the fittest that I could be. But it didn’t mean that I had to sacrifice adherence to aesthetic principles.
Your “Rule 5 fundamentalist” comment in post #358 made me think of Allan Pieper and the story of when he was an amateur in Europe. Short of cash, Pieper was willing to sell any race, but you’d still better be prepared to beat him on the road. If you won, you paid him, if he won he took the money. There is probably a principle in this, The Allan Pieper Principle. I’ll work on it.
@rob
hold your ground, man.
Agreed. I have just had the horror of taking receipt of my new TT bike only to find the bike shop had set the brakes up “Brit” style. Now, I am British and I live in Britain so perhaps I shouldn’t fuss – however, I can see no logic to why you would ever have them this way. I was pretty unhappy, especially as I know the mechanic well and had never thought I needed to explain to him my brake set up. Never assume anything.
Whilst I like Italy and one or two of the things that Italy makes there is a tendency for them to produce beautifully crafted equipment (think cars, motorbikes, speedboats, bicycles) that looks great and works great for a while but then provides you regular opportunities to take it back to where you bought it in order to get it fixed. I absolutely appreciate that this is part of the mystique and allure of all things Italian – that of form over function (is this what the Cognoscenti are pushing as their mantra?) – but I for one have not really bought into it. As for all things French, well, I’m not sure that I want to even start to discuss that. I think that we shouldn’t care what we ride provided that it meets the various additional rules i.e. it isn’t a shit bike with superfluous accoutrements attached (and if it is, you had better have legs like Spartacus).
However, I am forced to accept that there are issues of appropriateness that should be considered e.g. what is appropriate as a commuter stead (would I be ruled a tit for riding to work on a £5K carbon beauty?)? Should I ride to work on my TT bike? I think we need some direction…
Thank you!
You give me inspiration -Inch by inch- No?
@ david: great points and you associate them as only one of the Cognoscentia can. My complements, sincerely.
And whereas I am in agreement, I do appreciate the flipside of your arguement. Whereas indeed, one must bathe themselves in Rule #5 to truly appreciate the day that the 53×12 is a suffecient gear and there is no need for a 13t moreless 14t.
And whereas that in and of itself will yeild winning results, what good is it if one did so without STYLE?? That is the flipside of this. There are some simple things, utterly simple that distinguish the ride and the rider. Style that my hero Gino Bartali wore daily. Panache that other sports do not possess. Class that is timeless and continues across generations of riders.
Sure, you can implement Rule #5 and win, but it is via Rule Holism that we really appreciate the entirity of our passion. Mirrors and all, espresso and all, minus saddlebags and all, idiosynchracies and all.
Its in our genome as cyclists
@Rob
I’ve always loved BMW motorbikes. Well, BMW products in general, I suppose. The engineering, the way everything fits together into a whole. Amazing stuff.
My dad always rode BMW’s until recently when he traded his last one for (yet) another bicycle. (The guy is the king of Rule 12.) He bought me a R100 RS (blue) for my 16th birthday. He bought it a few years before I turned 16, around the time I became serious about cycling. He sold the bike, after watching me descend in the mountains on a family vacation. “You’re much too interested in speed to survive riding a motorcycle”, I believe is what he said.
So there are things in life that are important and others that are unimportant and then there are those that are just right, not important or unimportant.
Lets get the simple ones in the “just right” category out of the way; Beer, Coffee and what color your bike is painted. These things are self explanatory to anyone with an eye, taste and money (meaning if you don’t have the cash Coors is the drink of choice), it is not about wanting to be some sort of Euro-trash wannabe.
Now for the important things; Rule #5 leads the list and all that goes with it both on and off the bike. Doing ones best and then some in a race. Treating women with love and respect, just two of the more difficult that come to mind. Not what color the bike is or if you’re wearing the “right” kit.
So the point is when the Rule says its about the bike, it ain’t really about the bike its about what IT is in all that relates to the important things in the world of the bike. The important things are things like, what was my time in that time trial and was it a good time from the point of view of Rule #5? And that may even mean you did not win the thing.
So I now find myself in the position of not being enough of an intellectual nor writer with the words to explain why the Rules are perfect and yet why Rule #5 is the one rule that rules them all. So am I Cog-no-sgetti or a Hole-ist or both?
Can someone help? Please? Soon… my head hurts.
@frank Smart father! and yes the best motorcycles EVER!
@Souleur Saw this after the above – NICE!
@Souleur The relationship between style and purpose, or perhaps form and function, has always been mysterious to me.
@ Rob: +1 on yours
@Charlie writes, “. . . that of form over function (is this what the Cognoscenti are pushing as their mantra?)” Just the opposite.
I suppose I find myself in this posit:
I implement Rule #5 every day on every ride, one may even say too much and resting too little as I get up and drag my arse to the saddle as the sun rises over the east horizon. Joe Parkins last book, which I am in the middle of has a piece which sums it up well as he said (paraphrased off memory) ‘I finally found my fitness and realized what I had appreciated earlier in my PRO career, you know, that point where the ride can be punishing but my legs take it, and perform instead of the misery of being out of condition when the ride is punishment and I am dying just trying to hang on’.
That is so true, there is a point that Rule #5 reaps a reward to the rider and I am finding this in June.
The point however is, I would rather win right…absolutely right as the Rules lead us, honoring our heritage, traditions, flavors and with class than to not.
To not, simply is to win in a very forgettable fashion, and who wants to do that. I could argue that indeed isn’t even winning if its forgotten the very next day.
Versus the ride, the gutted effort that didn’t necessarily win but did show heart, legs, style, effort that gains respect the next time you line up, or even spin out a recovery as others acknowledge your worthy recovery:-)
@Rob What you say in the post clearly puts you on the side of the Cognoscenti. Rob, Rule 59. Hold your line.
Agreed! I was trying (clearly unsucessfully) to be sarcastic. Lowest form of humour and all that…
@Souleur, @Rob
Beautifully said, it brought a tear to mine eye.
@Charlie, @david, @Rob
Form follows Function. It’s the famous saying by Louis Sullivan and embraced by his student, one Frank Loyd Wright. But, I believe it was Le Corbusier who further embodied the truth behind aesthetics: so long as the form does indeed follow the function, it should also be aesthetically pleasing. No one wants to sit on a concrete sofa just because it is the purest form of function available. I’d like to toss a cushion on there, too. Maybe a cupholder for me beer. (Side note: never drink beer from a bottle. Pour it in a glass so you can taste it properly. Just saying. Unless it’s Coors or Bud in which case it’s not really beer and you can do what you want.)
The point is, aestheticizing anything is harmful if it comes at the expense of function. If functionality is upheld, aestheticizing (is that a word?) in many cases enhances the appreciation of that function.
I think this is the simplest way to state what the Rule Holists argue: “Rule 5 must come before all else, but so long as Rule 5 is observed, we may also indulge in the aesthetics of our sport.”
Personally, it is through immersing myself in those finer details of being a Cycling Aesthete that the pleasure of not just riding a bike – but of being a cyclists and being part of the cycling culture – really, truly, take shape.
@frank, taking his leadership position among the Velominati, causally and confidently asserting his aesthetic preferences: “never drink beer from a bottle. Pour it in a glass so you can taste it properly”.
The Cognoscenti are students of Sullivan and Wright. The phrase, “form follows function”, means that form supervenes on function. You design entirely for function, and whatever form you get, you get. After that, there are two different ways to view the principle. 1. You get whatever form supervenes on function, and who cares if it’s pleasing to some or another person. What’s pleasing is contingent, transitory, and local. 2. You get whatever form supervenes on function, and if you did it right, you’ll have an aesthetically beautiful form. True beauty is manifest in truly rational function. The Cognoscenti can endorse both. In fact, the principles of the Cognoscenti might plausibly be condensed into just the phrase, “Form follows function.”
If the Velominati stand for the principle that once Rule 5 is obeyed, a Velominatus may indulge himself in the aesthetics of the sport, the Cognoscenti stand ready to support the Rules and, with the Velominati, partake in the appreciation of the rich history, tradition, and culture of the sport. But be warned. We have been sent as a gadfly upon the Keepers to remind them that cannonizing their local and contingent sensibilities in the form of rules poses a danger to cycling. Over-indulgence will be met with the sharp sting of the rebuke: What the fuck does that have to do with winning a bicycle race?
Truer words…
@david
Then we have an accord. And, if our answer is not, “Winning a bicycle race with class and in style” then we will be remiss, and the individual will need to undergo a Joe session of savage drinking followed by 3 hours on the trainer with no fans.
An answer that may well lead us to waffle all over the place as we’ve sometimes been doing. And then you can gain the upper hand by invoking Rule 59. (One of my favorite rules.)
But what if it’s not about winning the bicycle race? Yes, that applies to PROs and PROcycling and to those aiming to be PROs, but what about the rest of us?
For example. The next road frame I buy will be titanium or steel. I will not buy a crabon or Alu frame. This is a case of form over function. Carbon may be the best material with which to make a frame to win a bike frame, but it has no soul and can rarely be considered beautiful.
If the Cognoscenti want to take it too extremes, what does Rule #5 have to do with winning a bike race? Rule #5 suggests that you should be out training in all weathers in the bare minimum of clothing because it will make you hard. Rule #5 suggests you shuld go longer and harder, rather than have an easy ride or a rest day. Rule #5 suggests that you should attack from the gun, because it is hard. Adherence to Rule #5 will not win you bike races. So what the fuck does Rule #5 have to do with winning bike races?
@Jarvis
I don’t really see the contradiction: I think Rule #5 is a state of mind rather than a state of practice. If a dozen Cognoscenti lined up in the same race, only one could win. I don’t think that would diminish the standing of the other eleven so long as they all shed blood, sweat, and tears along the course. Back to the state of mind, though, a true adherent of Rule #5 is not going to sweat the bike performance, but instead steel the eyes, do a gun check, and be convinced that he is going to mash the hell out of even his daughter’s tricycle, but even that rig will see him up the Tourmalet.
So maybe this is where I fall between your interpretation and david’s: it’s about the spirit of the ride (in or outside of competition), not just about the “W”.
@Jarvis exclaims, “So what the fuck does Rule #5 have to do with winning bike races?” The meaning of The Rule and its supreme importance is explained in our secret manifesto.
@ all: Lets all reflect a moment on Rule #5, over and over and over. Maybe that will sink it all in.
Just beat a punkass on his moped in a street drag across a town.
beat him by a block:-)
Quite bizarrely, although Steampunk is verging on the Cognoscenti hardcore views of things, the approach that, amongst others, frank, rob and myself can draw parallels with that of the Steampunk. Where Steampunks display a love of Victorian technology or create facsimiles of items the wearer believes would have existed in a technologically advanced Victorian era, the Velominati display a love of the heritage of professional cycling and create facsimilies of what the individual believes the riders from those eras would have ridden and worn if the technology had existed for them
@Jarvis
What can I say? I’m an enigma. “Steampunk” works for me on a variety of levels, not least the ones you mention above, though I find myself more intrigued by questions of how our technologies haven’t advanced significantly since the steam age. And I’m drawn to technologies and materials that last. Plastic is evil. By trade, I’m an historian of science, technology, and the environment, so many of these questions overlap vocational and avocational interests for me. Also, as an historian, I have a deep-seated appreciation for the love of cycling heritage and tradition that is so aptly presented on these pages.
On the bike, however, I am a different animal. I can appreciate the aestheticism mentioned by holists above, but I cannot fully be a part of that world. I am not—and never will be—a small, slight rider with spindly legs and toothpicks for arms. I am more mountain man (complete with bushy beard—I do not adhere to Rule #50) than aesthete. Cranks are for grinding, not dancing upon. My bike is not a fashion accessory; it is a tool or a weapon (cue: deep-throated howl).
Part of the appeal of Rule #5 and the cult of the Cognoscenti stems from its unbridled and unapologetic irreverence. A healthy dose of irreverence is something I find I am drawn to in art, science, and play. It is a playful, mocking bending of societal rules that can only be performed by those who understand those rules best. I can relate to that and it’s something to which I aspire. A true Cognoscenti is one who has learned the rules, knows the inner meaning of each and every one, and then—as david cogently described in a couple of previous posts—knows how to whittle them down to their most common denominator. Which brings form back into the equation. And, yet, irreverence ensures the unique character of each rider. Rule #5 is not something you impart on another rider; it is a message only for the self.
On Rule 5.
I was actually writing a manifesto. It got too serious and too lengthy, so I set it aside. I’ve introduced a few pieces of it in the last two days. I should at least, though, offer up this Cognoscenti’s interpretation of Rule 5.
Rule 5 is not a savage rule. It does not demand that you wear only shorts at 32F. It does not demand that you can beat a moped by a block. It doesn’t demand that you do 20 intervals when you scheduled 6. It certainly doesn’t demand that you drink the heaviest, thickest, most stringent German beer you can find. The Rule is deceptively elegant. It’s veneer is crude, but underneath the veneer is found a pearl of wisdom.
The work of a bicycle racer is to win, either by winning himself or sacrificing himself for a teammate to win. Winning requires defying the laws of nature, either by putting one’s nose into the wind or by going uphill faster than everyone else.
The laws of nature declare that the power needed to overcome air resistance increases exponentially in proportion to increases in speed. That is, the faster you go, the harder and harder it is go even faster. On flat land, the winner is nearly always the one who can endure the searing pain of generating the power required to go even faster, when he and everyone else is already giving everything they have to go faster and faster.
While the power requirements for overcoming the force of gravity are not exponentially related to increases in grade, do not be deceived about Nature’s brutal demands. Just consider that on flat land with relatively neutral wind, a decent cyclist can pedal along for a good while at 35-40 kph. The same cyclist will be lucky to ride half that speed on any decent slope. She says, if you want to go fast uphill, you’ll need far, far greater power. Racing uphill hurts, and going faster than everyone else uphill hurts badly.
The laws of nature exact pain and suffering from those who defy them. Only the hard can endure their toll. Only the hard can complete the work. Hardness is the first virtue of bicycle racing.
Human beings by nature seek to maximize their own pleasure and minimize their own pain. That is to say, by nature we are all fallen. No one is a perfect hardman. Who has not scheduled five brutal climbing repeats only to fold after three and ride home like a pussy? Who has not heard the rain fall outside and then decide quickly that today really should be a “rest day”. Who has not folded like Marcus Sommers in the crucial moment of a race? The Cognescenti recognize our fallen nature. But we believe the correct response to the grasp of it is simply to harden the fuck up. If we work hard and we are fortunate, we may manage it now and then.
Do not underestimate the profundity of Rule 5. It both presupposes our fallen nature and prescribes the only proper response to it. In 2010 Bjarne Riis did not pull up to Spartacus at two kilometers from the Roubaix velodrome and say, “Harden the fuck up.” Spartacus had just crushed some of the strongest riders on the planet with a 50 km solo attack. The rule did not apply. Spartacus had transcended his fallen nature. The rule only applies, only makes sense as a rule, when are human, i.e., fallen. When Cadel Evans put on the Rainbow jersey, he solemnly said to himself, “Harden the fuck up, mate.” He has yet to transcend his fallen nature. He should continuously reflect on Rule 5.
Given an authentic commitment to the work, and the fact of our fallen nature, it follows that Rule 5 is The Rule of all Rules. There is no winning without adhering to it, except by accident. And, nothing will more promote you ability to complete the work than adherence to it.
The Hardman’s Haiku
snow falls,
by the fire they feast and sing
he rides alone
@david
YES!
I don’t know how to answer the question. I’ve mentioned before that I’m inclined to think there is some cycling culture out there that the Rules are trying to describe. It’s not simply the culture of racers. It’s not just the broader community of cyclists. Where I’m from, the broader community of cyclists includes commuters, racers, fixies, recreational riders, fitness riders, MTBers, cross riders, environmental activists who ride bikes, people who just ride their bikes to the grocery store, etc. Surely the Rules are not for all of these cyclists. Who are they for? They are not specifically for actual racers. They certainly are not for pure commuters. I’m struggling with this.
I kind of like the craftsman, or artisan model. The Rules are for someone who takes riding a bike to be a craft, an art, or a techne, as the ancient Greeks would say. The European road racers, currently and of legend, are the best at the craft. They are artisans on a bike. Hence, Rules derived from their practice, ought to govern those who take riding a bike to be a craft, even if they are not racing like the European road racers, currently or of legend. So, buy your steel frame bike. (Titanium?? If titanium, why not aluminum or carbon fiber?) When you ride, treat it like a master carpenter treats one of his prized tools. Ride it well, with skill, and style, even if you are not ridding it to win a race. That’s the best I can do at the moment. The burden is on the Velominati to explain why Rules derived from the practices of European road racers should govern cyclists who are not racing.
@David
you are brilliant. With this:
you have distilled the essence of what I believe the Velominati to be about, or at least what I am about when riding a bike. Biut the rules do not apply to commuters, I believe they are there merely for those people who ride road bikes for “sport”. If The Rules try to cover mountain bikes and commuting, then you risk having too many Rules that are too confusing and so dilute the power of The Rules. I have already campaigned to consolidate some of the Rules and to remove others, because i believe them to be misleading and confusing.
Titanium, because like Steampunk, I’m am drawn to technologies and materials that last
You guys are on a roll.
I am amazed that a term, ‘The Rules’, that was first coined by myself and my mate Johnny Klink to simply state that some taste must be employed by riders, has become such an icon and a source of inspiration, an entity that has absorbed many aspects of religious imagery and even possibly zealotry (is that even a word?).
When probably all we were really saying was, “if you’re sharing our sport, our passion, then do it with some fucking style.”
And then we rode our bikes… Because that’s what we do.
@brett
then why didn’t you fucking say that at the start and you would have saved us all a load of fucking hassle…
Outstanding and uplifting. Wounds are healing, doctrinal disputes are dissolving, accommodations are being reached, a shared focus on the things we have in common is taking precedence over a series of searches for the things which set us apart – and the Cognoscenti have started to sound like Holists and the Holists have started to sound like Cognoscenti. Yea, verily, I tell you that the wolf shall lie down with the lamb. Or something. Nice work, all.
He got distracted selling mirrors and frame-mounted pumps …
@Geof
I tried to stop you with the mirror, you admitted that. And the fucking pump fits in your fucking jersey! (Wanna buy a YJA?)
@Jarvis
I revel in your torment…
@brett
no torment I’m very happy with the position we have reached. It just might have been reached earlier, is what I’m saying. And I’ve learnt about steampunks.
@david
YES!!
@Jarvis
Welcome to the dark side…
@Steampunk
I go to the office every day carrying a briefcase and umbrella, and wearing a topcoat and derby hat. When I stray into the hipper parts of town, the tattooed and pierced store clerks often ask me if I’m into Steampunk.
Then I casually mention that I shave my legs.
Wow. Each time I look at this it has evolved deeper into the ethereal matters of the origins of essence, and you guys all deserve a really pat on the back.
@david: Brilliantly put, simply brilliant and thanks.
I think you really hit on something I have been trying to put into words for a long time, you know, things we think about between intervals, when we actually like riding and seeing our surroundings, listening to birds sing and smelling honeysuckle in full bloom. You said: Human beings by nature seek to maximize their own pleasure and minimize their own pain.
That is the very essence of what separates cycling from many other sports. In order to be a true rider, one must become acquainted with this, ie Rule #5 and totally flip this relationship between pain and pleasure. You nailed that.
Now, here is something steampunk and some others were asking about, that of the universal nature of the Rules and their origins.
I do think they have a universal application here. No doubt, specifically they are designed for us…roadies, pure Euro clad style roadies. But, hey, minus those roadie specific Rules, the first 5 are universal. Then Mtn bikers could apply aptly their idiosynchracy’s, Fixies et. al. There are some universal truths revealed here in the Rules, and the brilliance of you guys for putting them together is a real tribute to both cycling and yourselves.
Secondly, that of origins. I obviously didn’t have crap to do with them, but in retrospect, looking back on the Rules, I can see their origins deeply rooted in our sport, originating somewhere in Belgium on a long stretch of pave’ with a bitterly cool north wind and a whisp of snow in the 1950′s. Riding across an area that had just been pummeled by WWII, bombs dropped, lives lost and only a cyclist could ride through such an area and see ‘beauty’.
Lastly, to get caught up…@ jarvis, forget Ti, its a noodle. Keep on steel and go w/pegoretti responsorium or a indy fab stainless steel. Timeless, smooth, classic and stiff.
@david
This is fantastic perspective and you’re really putting your finger on it. If we take the idea of craft/techne and apply it to cycling it then becomes not only an activity or sport but a process. As we say on our “about” page this process is our raison d’être. We take great care in the selection of components and maintenance of our bicycles and thankfully form follows function, we study the actions and style of hardmen so that we might emulate them, we take inspiration from riders we admire, and ultimately live and aspire to Rule 5 in our own minds and bodies.
This may sound a bit trite, but yesterday I did my first 200k ride of the year. I was alone on the road but not in my mind. As the k’s clicked by my mind drifted from my surroundings, to the Velominati, to the subtleties of my bike, to my performance, to the European pros who do such rides day in day out, and to the other cyclists I saw along the way. And when I started to feel myself fatigue and soften I looked down at my right leg and read Rule #1, Rule #5, and Rule #10 on my kit. It seriously motivated me. Especially at 150k when those two fucking huge black labs came outta nowhere and one of the goddamn mongrels got his snout on my ankle. I think I know now what it feels like to really do an all out sprint after a long day in the saddle. Now where’s my b-b gun?
@frank
I like the new gravatar.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m sure we look like jackasses, haggling over all this stuff. But, aside from just having fun with it, if you can find a set of rules, rituals, or practices that you are sincerely committed to, it can definitely inform your own practice. I go out and ride, and I’m getting a bit lazy. I’ve been saying to
myself, “Here you are, babbling on about Rule 5 in front of people you hardly know. And now you are riding like a slug. Don’t you have any shame!? Rule 5, harden the fuck up. Finish your work.” It works.
@Marko On the old Greek conception of an art, or techne, (from which we get the words “technology”, “technique”, etc.) the artisan or craftsman is someone who can manipulate matter so that it comes to have a certain form. A furniture maker manipulates wood as well other materials so that the material comes to be a chair or table. He has this ability due a wide variety of things. He possesses knowledge of the properties of wood, glue, metal, how they behave under certain conditions, etc. E.g., cross-cutting wood is liable to splinter the wood. He has tools for manipulating the matter. Saws, planes, chisels. He knows what the tools can do. If he’s a good furniture maker, he handles the tools expert technique, deliberately, smoothly and efficiently, and the reason for this is that by doing so he most likely will get the results he wants. He buys the absolute best tools he can, and he treats them with the utmost respect. His own art is informed by studying past and current masters. He abides by a set of formal and informal rules of varying types. “Measure twice, cut once.” “Avoid exposing end grain.” He has formed rules himself from hard experience, or has been taught them by prior craftsmen.
It’s clear there are parallels between an art like this and cycling. In fact, the ancient Greeks probably would have identified cycling as a techne, even though it does not involve producing an object like a piece of furniture. Not all technai were of that sort. A good cyclist, the artisan on a bike, has to have all sorts of knowledge. Knowledge of some of the laws of physics can really help, air resistance, gravity, characteristics of drafting, force vectors in cornering, rotational momentum. (I got dropped in one of my first road races, because I was dangling off the back eating and drinking in a tailwind, under the thought that it would be easy to catch back on in a tailwind. D’oh.) Knowledge about equipment. Wheel weight. The advantages and disadvantages of carbon fiber wheels vs. aluminum wheels. Course knowledge is a big advantage in some races. Knowledge about human physiology. You need to put sugar back into your blood at around 30 to 45 minutes after start riding. He will have a riding technique that distinguishes him from from fixies, commuters, and recreational riders. He will know that bent elbows and a fairly loose grip on the bars is a necessity for avoiding crashes and he knows why. (In fact, there should be a Rule about this. It definitely separates a craftsman on a bike from a poser.) Cornering at any decent speed requires applying pressure to the outside pedal. Start a climb in the lowest gear you can, and then eventually shift up. Shift up a gear or two when you go to climb out of the saddle. He will be able to ride smoothly inside a white traffic line for hundreds of meters at least, and have a smooth, round pedal stroke, like a master furniture maker has a smooth, graceful planning stroke. He studies and learns from past and current masters, their technique, their rules, their prized pieces of work. (It’s surprising the little things pros know about how to ride a bike that are not intuitive and that you can’t find in books or online.) He buys the best equipment he can, and treats it with the utmost respect. And so on.
The problem with the model is this. And this goes back to earlier controversies. In a techne all the knowledge, rules and technique are for one end, producing the form in the matter. All of the things I’ve mentioned above serve the end of winning a bicycle race. If you are not racing, you have to look at these in a different way. Why do you wish to ride a bike like a craftsmen? Because it’s beautiful? It’s enjoyable to know I am? If that works for you. Or, the bike is a like a fine tool, and if you are going to use a tool to accomplish anything, whether riding for enjoyment, fitness, or to commute, you ought to try to use it as best you can. It’s just a personal declaration of who I am. In any thing I do, I will try to do it as best as it can be done. That’s for y’all to decide if you like this way of looking at cycling. (The more I think about it, the more I like it too. I’m gonna clean my bike today very carefully and deliberately. It deserves more respect than I give it.) It’s easier, clearer for me. I’m interested in the craft to win races.
Anyway. I’ve written way too much over the last week. But, I think I’ve said what I want to say. Thanks for indulging me. I’m trying to understand cycling myself, since over the years it’s come to dominate more and more of my life.
Holy Shite!!! Our cable co. crashes because of a storm, I m busy for 2 days and come back to all is calm and quiet! The schism is now healed and the clouds have parted.
David you ARE a genius and as a craftsman and an apprentice hardman I love the conclusions and the clarity of your thoughts.
And kudos to Brett and Johnny K. the inspiration, the sentiment and the “if you’re sharing our sport, our passion, then do it with some fucking style.”
+1 to that.
I think we all have these issues (hell, i know i do on a regular basis) and you have hit the nail on the head. “Harden the fuck up. Finish your work.” I may just stick that above my door.
Found a missing rule:
Thou shalt never run a compact chainset – no matter what the modern PRO’s may say
I’ve been going back over this sprawling page: the rules and the comments, in an attempt to ensure I am happily aligned with them especially in light of recent developments of the essence of the Velominati and because I think there is too much and it all needs a tidy-up.
I found that I first appeared at comment #37 and I realised how much my thinking on The Rules has changed in six weeks. I was completely wrong in thinking that Aluminium and Crabon have no place in The Rules. I realise now that it was the steampunk in my resenting these materials. They do have a place; but they have to look good.
@Jarvis
Do the bikes have to look good, or do you have to look good on them? And I’m never sure what a good-looking bike is: are we talking about frame geometry, or color scheme (I adhere to the bar tape rules), or components, or wheels, or some unspoken combination of all of the above?
@steampunk
all of the above. There is a requirement for bikes and riders to be aesthetically pleasing. It’s a matter of style and taste.
Fair ’nuff: that’s what I figured. I must admit, though, I have very little time for worrying about whether my kit matches my bike on any given day. I get their place in the rules, but I guess my wariness is what makes me a barking-mad Cognoscenti (@Frank: maybe the next step is to develop a new kit for the Cognoscenti?).
@Jarvis Fuck aesthetically pleasing.
Is this the same person who also said “But I’m all for a Rule on compacts. It is a matter of style.”?
Maybe you should change your name to Captain Contradiction of the Cognoscenti…
@brett: Maybe you should change your name to Captain Conntradiction of the Cognoscenti… Oh, that’s just brutal, and my quote is out of context. Defending cycling against the venal forces of capitalism is a far different thing than defending aesthetic preferences in cycling. Apples and oranges.
@david
Venal forces, by your own definition, also gave us all of the advancements that you champion (STI, carbon, aero wheels), which I have mentioned already, as well as the ones you vilify (compact cranks). What’s the difference? That’s right, there is none! Do you not eat apples because they don’t taste as good as oranges? Or do you not eat them because you don’t like the colour?
Argh. There’s some miscommuncation here. Maybe my fault. I don’t know. I’m fairly blitzed right now. Drinking beer and posting is fun. There are innovations which make one go faster, stronger, longer, and there innovations pushed on us by the evil capitalists despite our own interests. I’m claiming the compact crank is of the latter. Who is the compact good for? LeakyGas pros racing up 20% grades. Cyclists recovering from broken necks. 70 year old men. Young Nathan is none of them. If his only aim is to ride up his 5% grade in comfort, given his current strength and fitness, fine, sell him a compact. I don’t think it is. I take him to be a budding young cyclist, interested enough in the sport to give serious attention to the Rules. Given such, he should be sold a bike that he can eventually ride like a craftsmen along with other serious cyclists. That is not a compact.
@David
It is a matter of style
@steampunk
I don’t think kit has to match the bike. I mean it shouldn’t clash too badly, but as long as the kit fits well and looks good then that’s OK
@brett
I dunno, Brett. I eat apples for the fibre.
If the Cognoscenti have a “style” or an aestheticism, it involves embracing the hurt. I don’t see the contradiction in David’s position on compacts and his general rejection of aesthetics. And I share his anti-capitalist stance. The Cognoscenti revel in their irreverence, however difficult that can be to attain and however many contradictions Holists might perceive. At the end of the day, it’s about the ride.
@Steampunk
Hear, hear.
How about a Rule on Powertap meters and all.
Some people that show up on a group ride will come in bragging and blowing about all this and that crap, when they really never use it, never develop it and get blown on any given ride.
In my opinion, Powermeters are prohibited for the casual rider, the group rider, even the cat 5 racer. Really, until you hit the cat 3/4 there is only one thing necessary, as Eddy said, ride more, Powertappers need not apply.
But this may not marry well w/Velomanti, so….what do you guys say??
do you care how many watts you generate on a social ride?
@Souleur
Excellent point, my friend. But, I think this can be expanded to anything within the Posturing Douchebag range of comments. Seems the loudest riders are usually those who fall farthest behind the group when the rode slants uphill.
How about this:
Legs speak louder than words. Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.
@all:
A reader proposed the following Rule:
Unless there is a non-zero chance of affecting the group in any way, thou shalt refrain from hollering “Car Up!” at the sight of oncoming traffic.
The rule is fine as stated, but it should never be acted on. There is always a nonzero chance of an oncoming car affecting the group, since there is always a nonzero chance someone moves into the opposite lane to attack, pass, or drop back off the front.
“Legs speak louder than words. Unless you routinely demonstrate your riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data.”
Yes to the above but oh gwad lets not get into group ride shite in the Rules, please? I mean there is a guy who sits in the back of the group on the big spring rides shouting car back the whole effing way EVERY time, loud.
Then the g-d dammed point at the hole thing – Hello, just watch the road yourself and if you’re to lazy/stupid not to know how you deserve the pinch flat from your underinflated/over inflated tire/backside.
Then there is pace line etiquette and technique! Don’t get me started – there is something I’ll call a Long Island pull and I just do not want to go there in these pages.
Ok, I’ll calm down and think about this for a second, right, done – NO. I mean this is about the beauty of the sport not the ineptitude, its not the learn the sport how-to site.
Sorry if I have missed most of the scintillating compact discussion (in Sur la Plaque) and came back right to your question and now am commenting in such a negative way. It seems that you would open up discussion on a whole can of worms that are never addressed in racing. Sure we can talk about group rides but you know, things like “That pace line was freaky fast and when I got to the front I did not know if I should pull for 10 seconds or man up and do 15??”.
What’s a Long Island pull? Briefly, please.
Some nice videos on YouTube: Top 30 cyclists of all time, Parts 1, 2, and 3. Old clips of the masters and with their palmares.
I’m with Rob and David on this. This is not a “how-to” site.
Besides, I for one, no longer do group rides*
It is not my term (thank you Elliot) – 6 or 7 in line and chap on front stays on front and stays and stays. Whats wrong with that? Nothing! But if your the guy behind him 1. you don’t know when to come through 2. you feel you have to do the same 3. lets rotate shorter and harder.
Now are we going to chit chat about proper pace line rules at 28kph?
Nice one on the YouTube!
Yeah, that’s what I figured. It sucks. I guess I was more interested in the interesting name for it.
@ frank: The Posturing Douchebag says it all and seems to cover it. There is alot of other minutia that I really don’t care about and isn’t intersting in the ride.
Rob: had a good espresso this morning? your wound tight.
Some of us do group rides, some don’t.
I actually rarely do, nobody wants to ride w/me.
But even the PRO will mix it up in a tuesday night ride, thursday night world championship, and there are some DB’s that go to.
so, ride.
Just leave it like this; that’s rock solid gold. This is prime Cognoscenti territory.
@Rob
I know you don’t want to get into group ride stuff, but what’s worse than the guy at the back of the group yelling “car back” is when he gets to the front and feels the need to echo the previous “car back” calls. Who the fuck does this douche think he is warning?
There are worse. At least that guy justoffends against the Principle of Silence and the Principle of Common Sense – unlike these:
- The guy who persistently half-wheels whenever he’s at the front of an otherwise nicely-rotating two-by-two ride
- The guy who persistently rides in between the two riders in front of him in said ride, forcing the person next to him to ride partially in the wind and further into the lane of traffic / gutter
- The guy who, every time he gets to the front, slowly but surely steps the pace up until someone has to tell him to back off a bit (which is probably what he was looking for, as shortly thereafter he usually retires to the back and makes mocking HTFU comments about those who can’t handle the pace)
Contemplating these (and related) outrages make it too hard to maintain the required Velominatesque poise, calm, control and dignity. I accordingly support the suggestion that the Rules not deal with group ride matters.
Once again, we see how local and contingent cycling sensibilities can be, and how the attempt to cannonize rules of etiquette for cyclists in general must be done with great caution. The big ride where I’m from has had several riders hit and run over by cars as they move into the opposite lane to attack, gain position, or fall back from the front. None killed, but two are disabled for life. I myself almost attacked into an oncoming car. Tell that guy on your local ride who’s always yelling “car back”, or “car up”, wherever he’s at in the pack, to move out here and ply his trade. I want him in the pack. I don’t know what kind of rides y’all are doing, but on this one, there can be 80 riders on curvy roads where it’s not so simple to say, “Well, duh, look where you’re going.”
Nevertheless, I’m happy you’re not considering rules for group rides, even if it’s for the wrong reasons, since one’s *aesthetic* sensibilities can be just too local.
@david
am terribly sorry to hear of anyone hurt in a cycling accident, but I query any “attack” on a “group ride”. Races are for attacking. Rides are for training. And crossing a line into potentially on-coming traffic at any time (or at the very least, without checking for yourself) is asking for trouble.
@Marcus Maybe “group ride” doesn’t convey the matter. They are raced-paced training rides. They are races, albeit unofficial ones. So, of course riders are going to attack. And, they are invaluable training for official racing. So, what, then? We should stop informally racing on the open road? Or, we should greatly increase the risks of doing so by remaining silent? If Rule 65 would demand either in this situation so as to achieve *aesthetic* cycling, I say violate it, and hence also Rule 1, without a care.
+1 david
Addendum to rule #30:
Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head.
@david
Mate I just wouldn’t take the chance of the possibility of an on-coming car in trying to “win” an unofficial race. Very difficult to obey Rule 1 from a hospital bed.
Ok, some amendment of Rule #21 and/or #23 is in order, I feel. One of the greatest style faux-pas of our time is being committed with alarming regularity and it just can’t go on.
For while a definition of the conditions under which they should be worn is glaringly obvious, there is no mention of the type of shoe covers (or “overshoes”, as we rather quaintly call them over here in the UK) that should be worn.
I propose:
Bad, shitty Belgian-type weather: Badass Belgian-type booties (black only, natch).
Time trials: Lycra (hermetically sealed to the skin of the calf, somewhere just above the sock line, ideally).
Inclement, slightly bit crappy but otherwise not-cold weather: Surely the goal is mitigating damage to the #1 pair of racing shoes… so lycra is also appropriate (bearing in mind some semblance of homage to Rules #8, #15 and #17)
Under none of the above circumstances (nor indeed any circumstances) should overshoes be made of sock material. No. No. No. Not even stupidly over-priced Assos ones. They make you look like a douche. Full stop.
If you can’t wear black winter booties, or lycra overshoes, then just ride those oh-so-pretty shoes bareback, and HTFU.
@drfrot
You are very wrong. Other than for time-trials where the lycra oversock is required, oversocks must only be made of socks. Otherwise you’re just a try-hard, I mean what are those oversocks that Cancellara and the Garmin boys wear? It looks like something straight from an S&M party. If we’re not careful everyone will be wearing gimp suits instead of lycra before too long.
If I may add to that. If it ain’t Belgian cold w/a hard north wind outside, no shoe covers at all, no exceptions.
Booties should never be spoken of and referred to as such by anyone of the male sex and over the age of 30. They are shoe covers/overshoes. Booties are what my wife puts on junior when his ‘feetsies’ get cool and he is whining.
And in the wrong season and setting always wearing shoe covers is like wearing a trojan to work your 9-5 in. Its just not necessary.
material aside, will let you fella’s hash that one.
What are shoe covers?
Rules 44 – 46:
Since recently finding this beacon of truth and hope you call Velominati I have been forced to search my heart and my equipment and have found unrighteousness. Though I may have been called to be a mere doorman in the Kingdom of the Velominatus gods it is a high calling nonetheless.
I can only hope that my sacrifice is a pleasing aroma – but I manned up today. Being weak and struggling with a burdensome yoke, I used to rarely ride in the drops but after being lifted on high and shedding 15 kilos since the New Sun, to put me at a svelte 76 kilos, I find myself in the drops quite a bit now. So today I remasculated myself and flipped my Deda stem over so that it has zero rise and rode 80 kilometers. However, I beseech thee to be gracious and merciful unto your humble servant as he tarries in the casting out of the 1.5cm of abomination below his stem.
@drfrot, @Jarvis, @Souleur
Shoe covers. Lycra for time trials. Neoprene in sub-freezing only. Sock overshoes only on rides involving cobblestones. Aside from those parameters, I think it comes down to whatever you prefer, but only in Rule 9 conditions. Cover your shoes in the rain if you must, and warm your feet in inclement weather if you feel it necessary, but know this: others will scrutinize your decision and you should be prepared to defend you decision. Preferably with Rule 72.
@frank
Always prepared to defend my decision to wear sock oversocks in most weathers. Mainly because it hides the fact that I invariably seem to need new shoes.
Done…
The only followers of that new rule, I’m sure, are quite expert on head, of any sort.
no new Rule on this but I just shook my head at the race yesterday seeing a freaking compact crank and a SRM meter….ok, for most Velomanti that deserved a gaf like when Englands Green didn’t catch a soft roller. So you have given up on the whole 53/39 concept but you still want to know how little wattage you can make? Your a pussy man.
HTFU…
And dirty equipement, wow, I never seen so many dirty rides. Chains caked w/grime. Cassettes looked like the teeth of a meth-head. Sad, we need more Velomanti conversions out there!
@Souleur
Maybe it’s a Prius-esque fuel-efficiency thing. That is curious. And your response is spot on. Re. dirty equipment, I guess it’s a good thing that there are keepers of the cog…
@Cyclops
Nice work, clearly you are moving in the right direction. And yes, one’s stamina riding on the drops in directly correlated to one’s gut size and fitness level.
@Cyclops
Anyone who looses 15 kilos in their pursuit of fitness is aces in our book. Well done, the abomination shall be overlooked as you continue your quest.
Because getting healthy and fit is what it’s really all about. And fucking looking good doing it.
@david
Oopsie…did someone get a bit cranky after their hill repeats today?
Yes, sorry. I’ve been off the bike for three days. After two days off, I start losing it.
@david
try six months off the bike. Although last week the new physio told me I should try riding a turbo but only sitting upright. So progress.
Heh. A true Velominati, you are Jarvis, assuming that the only reason I could be off a bike for three days is an injury serious enough that a sane person would actually want to stay off the bike for six months. I’m afraid it’s a only a family emergency. I will be in compliance again with Rule 11 today.
Try 14 years you lightweights. :D
@david @Guy
Twins are likely to turn up this week, so may well be off the bike for 14 years now, back injury or not.
@Guy
Kudos, Guy. I know very well the pleasure you will be getting at being in shape – and being on your bike – once more. (I can’t top 14 years. My absence from cycling was little more than a decade. Then again, my weight loss maxed out at 19kgs (97kgs down to 78kgs). Have since put four or five back on – mostly in muscle (particularly when I have peaked in two months). Hills are certainly easier than they were…)
@jarvis twins! Best wishes for that. Awesome.
@David fair play with 19kgs. I’m down from 15st 8lbs to 13st 2lbs at the mo. I am loving riding again.
@Jarvis
Congratulations and best of luck. I’ve got three running around the house, ranging between 2 and 13. There will be times for rides, but also times when Rule #11 doesn’t apply. Enjoy!
@Guy@Geof
Jayzus! I wish I could claim that kind of weight loss without cutting off my arms (I need my legs to pedal)…
@Jarvis @Steampunk
Absolutley, congratulations Jarvis. Your first? If so, while Steampunk is unquestionably correct that sometimes Rule #11 will not apply, I hope you are able to avoid doing what I did – i.e. disapplying Rule #11 (and Rule #5) so much that you end up putting on 15 or 20kgs before your kids turn 10. (Then again, when I started breeding and blimping I did not have the Velominati to keep me on the straight and skinny. So in that regard you are fortunate. We got your back. And, er, your stomach.)
@Geof
True dat. I went so overboard on breaching Rule #11 that I put on 8kg for each of the first two for my wife. The benefit was she stayed fit and slim. I, however, got up over 102kg, which was not good for anybody. It took the best part of six or seven years for me to get back down to my fighting weight, and I avoided that route with our third. At the same time, there’s no better time for a gun check and an HTFU reminder than running up the stairs with a bottle at 3am. Just sayin’.
My wife and I are debating the level of rule violations. I hold that the lower the rule number the worse the violation (i.e. a rule 29 violation is more offensive than a rule 40 violation). She believes all the violations appear equally offensive. Can anyone clarify this as much rides on the answer.
@pakrat
If you are a Cognosentus and your wife a Cognoscentrix, then all the Rules other than Rule 5 are the same to you and you can breach them all with impunity – but Rule #5 may never be violated ever, at all, under any circumstances.
If, however, you and your wife are Rule Holists, then it is a much more difficult question to answer, and probably depends on the exact circumstances. To a Rule Holist, some breaches of a Rule are worse than other breaches of the same Rule – and how serious a Rule breach is can depend on the degree of conformity with other Rules.
For example, taking the kids for a swim before jumping on your bike to do hill reps is, technically, a violation of rule 42. But not nearly as serious a violation as consciously and intentionally doing a triathlon.
But what if, after taking the kids for a swim and doing your hill reps, you then ran up the stairs when you got home in order to not be home late? Then not only was your breaching of Rule 42 more egregious (running after the ride as well as swimming beforehand), but you’d also have breached Rule 5 (because if you can run up the stairs after doing hill reps you have clearly not gone hard enough on the hills) and Rule 11 (because why else would you be anxious not to be home late?).
And if we compared those multiple breaches to a breach of Rule 42 occasioned by doing, say, the Kona Ironman in under ten hours and being unable to stand for three hours afterwards, we might be tempted to conclude that, although Rule 42 has been seriously breached, Rule 5 has not been, so the overall level of offending might not be regarded as seriously as the kids swim / hill reps / stair run.
Unless, of course, when you did Kona, you failed to wear socks, you wore a hydration pack on the bike, your helmet had a mirror, you used clip-on aero bars, you wore your cycling cap on the run and you managed a little skip for joy when you crossed the finish line. In those circumstances, it would be difficult to interpret your actions as displaying anything other than complete and utter contempt for the Rules.
To a Rule Holist, the severity of an alleged breach can only be interpreted in the context of the Rules as a whole, and the degree of (non-) compliance with the Rules as a whole.
Nevertheless, by way of some very general guidance, perhaps the following might be of assistance:
* Some Rules are generally to be regarded as usually more important than others (Rule 5 and Rule 10 come to mind as generally of greater significance than, say, Rules 47, 48 and 50).
* There is a rough, though not perfect, inverse correlation between the number of a Rule and the likely significance to be attached to a breach of it – i.e. a breach of a Rule with a lower number is generally likely, all other things being equal (which, though, they very rarely are) to be more serious than a breach of a Rule with a higher number – and Rule 5 is to be accorded specific importance in this context. (See examples cited above. But, equally, note for example that the same will not usually apply in respect of Rules 47 and 59.)
* The greater the number of Rules breached the more seriously each breach is likely to be considered.
* The more egregiously a Rule is breached the more seriously the breach is likely to be considered.
* What is most important is the degree of conformity to the animating spirit – the vibe – of the Rules. A seemingly minor breach might reveal an underlying contempt for the whole ethos of the Rules, whereas a seemingly major miss may be entirely forgiveable. (For example, deployment of a Garmin may reveal nothing more than a hyper-active geek gene which can easily be accommodated amongst consenting adults provided other Rules are adhered to.)
I trust these brief comments are of assistance.
@pakrat
There. You asked, Geof answered.
Nice work Geof, that is something we could nail up on a door somewhere. Maybe Germany, or not.
And a good example why I shouldn’t field questions like this…
I propose adding an adjustment to rule 18/19: No lycra shorts to be worn ever while riding a mountain bike, with some exceptions permissable for xc racing when the conditions make it a more sensible choice (ie, you’re racing in the world cup, or at least at a competitive level in anything else). These days, with plenty of great baggy short/liner options available, wearing lycra kit in strict accordance with The Rules should be confined to road riding.
I wish my friend Karl Ratahi would wise up to this. I’m sure Brett feels the same way.
I see so many punters on the trails wearing lycra kit with no apparent awareness of how awfully out of place it looks; no-one guilty of commiting this infraction gives the impression of having ever stopped for a moment to consider whether it’s really necessary. I’ve become quite sensitive to it. A rule needs to written somewhere, it might as well be here.
Yep, the Karl Rule… not only are his lycra shorts, well, lycra, but they certainly take ‘short’ to a new level; that level being excruciatingly close to the groinal region.
In his defence, I think our constant belittling of him and encouragement to cover that shit up is finally starting to be heeded. the last ride I did with him, he was sporting a pair of baggies, and my eyes were spared the visual violation they usually suffer.
Rule 18/19 amendment imminent.
So Josh, get yourself to Switzerland buddy! Hey everyone, Josh is close enough to go and see the queen stage of the TdS, should he go and see it?
@josh
@brett
Sorry, but it seems that although the Velominati to a man and woman have huge respect for the travails and trials of mountain biking and the men and women practitioners of the sport (and I too have dabbled in it on my 1989 Bridgestone, built like a bridge weighs like as stone and have respect) but the Rules should not try to cover every branch of cycling or else we run the risk of getting into rules for RAM, RAGBRAI, Crit Mass and whether recumbents should face forward or backward with one mirror or three.
Mountain bikes are mentioned in the Rules once or twice (Rule #34) but as a contraindication of what not to do on the road.
But a shorts Rule is definitely needed – the one where the said shorts are so old and the lycra so thin you can see crack like it is in a strip show about to sit on you face if your taking a pull behind (no pun intended).
@Jarvis Way to go, twins! Seriously, here’s to a happy and healthy outcome for all. I guess we won’t be hearing a lot from you so I for one just want to say I have enjoyed your input and will look forward to your return in 10-240 months, hopefully?
@Geof Triple +1 on the summation for Pakrat and the wife. I would have to say though that the wife is always right in those sorts of arguments – come to think of it she is always right in any sort of argument…
So although your logic is impeccable I’m not sure you have contributed to marital bliss. I know that to do so might have broken Rules #4 and #11 but in this case (Pakrat said “as much rides on the answer.”) he is calling out for help and I think this is a good example of where the rules can be breached. Please do not come back with Rule #5, #5 is always followed in my house but there is an overriding sort of One Rule that Rules them All Rule in the house and that is the wife is always right.
@Geof says, “If you are a Cognoscentus and your wife a Cognoscentrix, then all the Rules other than Rule 5 are the same to you and you can breach them all with impunity.” Not true, geof. The Cognoscenti are Rule 5 fundamentalists, not Rule 5 exclusivists. But, these matters will be made more clear very soon.
@Rob I’m with rob on the mountain bike thing. Who cares what MTBers wear.
@ all: oh the classic arguement between the Cognoscentus and the Cognoscentrix….
@Geof
Your thorough ability to articulate the finer points of The Rules continues to impress. Your symposium has caused me to add a few items to the Lexicon.
Your description of the athlete skipping across the line in a cycling cap at the Kona Iron Man made me throw up in my mouth.
@brett
Why do you ask questions that don’t need to be answered? OF COURSE HE SHOULD. Josh, we expect a full account. Also, rent a bike – or borrow one from Jan Ullrich – and ride the stage beforehand!
@Souleur
Does a Cognoscentrix wear black leather lycra only, whether on or off the bike?
@Rob, @david
Good points on the mountain biking lycra. I agree it should not be it’s own Rule or even stated directly, but it is egregious enough that it should be mentioned here. I propose it be added as a side note, as in “Lycra shorts/bibs only on Road Bikes; baggies only on Mountain Bikes.”
@Geof
Thank you for the clarification. While I my wife and I differ somewhat on our interpretations of your eloquent response, we both see eye to eye on one thing: I was in serious breach of Rule 27 yesterday with some Lanceish (acceptable term?) sock height going on. That said, my attempt at Rule Holism may be tempered by her controlling vote in other areas of my happiness. One thing is for certain: we are having a blast discussing all things Velomainati. Thanks
@frank: Absolutely. The Cognoscentrix being purists of purist not only wear the black leather lycra but Italian nurtured, grown, massaged and Italian hand-taylored black leather on and off the bike.
I won’t mention the inherent conflict this pose’s of course.
@Geof: thanks for the good expose’ of the Rules: Holism. I always appreciate your posit
@pakrat
The Sock Length Paradox. Sheeee-it. My Velomihottie is in sharp disagreement on my choice of sock length. I feel is it to be “just right”. This is where Golidlocks comes into play and makes it an ongoing issue at our household. I have held my ground, and she hers. I sneakily laid out a pair of longer-than-she-likes socks for her to slip into yesterday morning. She didn’t catch on until they were already on her feet, but she proceeded to fold them over such that they met the high restrictions she places on these things.
@frank
My motto is “It doesn’t matter how fast you are as long as you look good doing it”.
Sock height is for the athesete a proportional calculation as follows:
Euro shoe size x your big ring to the hundreths divided by the circumfrence of your calf and it should always come up to 7cm
The paradox is color
Long socks are for wimps who don’t have calves. HTFU!
@Souleur – ‘athesete’ – beautiful. Belongs in the Lexicon.
Of course we are not going to get into rules for recumbents or such nonsense, but mountain biking and cyclocross are more than worthy of some Rule acknowledgments, and as such are already included.
If I was told that I could only own one bike, shit, I think it would be my mtb. Or at least a cross bike so I could get off road in some capacity. That’s where the fun is.
Rule 14 amended.
@Guy @steampunk @geof @rob
cheers, from me and my Velomihottie. First and last by the way. there is a pretty high chance that I’ll be off the radar for a while, but I intend to participate when I have the chance, if nothing more than sticking in my VSP predictions. The hardest bit is keeping up with all the input here.
In this situation, the greater offence is Rule #42 rather than adherence with Rule #5. The person did a triathlon for fucks sake.
I am in agreement with Rob and David, I have felt since starting on here that The Rules should be about participation in the road cycling. Dilution to include other branches weakens the influence of The Rules.
However I utterly disagree about only wearing baggies on mountain bikes. In winter lycra is required, because wearing knee/leg warmers with baggies is wrong. But I digress, even discussing this here is wrong. Mountain biking and cyclo-cross need their own set of rules.
@ Steampunk: oh contrare my friend. Here are a few reasons I like to run counterculture on this pervasive issue of ‘socks’
-my first experience as a snotty nosed 20 something that brought the point home of not picking on old men was the following. I was on my usual training ride and off on the horizon was a lonely rider. Of course in my nievete’ I pursued. I drew in from probably 700m to around 100m and thought the pass would happen w/ease and I could pop some ole coot comment…but he looked back and saw me. His posture didn’t change, he never jumped he just leaned into the bike a bit. I noticed he was rather unassuming, lean, and had legs the bulked up the silloutte shadows that evening, and his socks were black and 7cm up the ankle. Well, my speed which was hovering in chase speed around 35-40kph wasn’t cutting it at all. So I bore down a bit more and was running easily 45kph most of the time on the rolling terrain but he was slowly leaving…ever so gently, quietly, black socks and all. After 20k of chase, and after my eyeballs were bleeding, I commenced to giving in, turning around and going home whipped. It never happened since.
I later had the honor of meeting the old wrench, he was training for Paris-Brest-Paris and was in fantastic shape riding 600-700k/week at the time. His legs were rock solid. From then on I learned black sock were ok. Up 7cm were ok. They don’t really mean anything and nobody really expects anything from them either, but oftentimes they produce and whip ass.
If however you ride in silver shoes, low white socks you better damn well be ready to either beat my ass to every single stop sign or take the whipping over and over again. Wherever we have a gentlemans agreement on where our little race will be going, silver shoes call for it, BECAUSE silver and white DO require race speed and do announce it at the start line whereever that may be that ‘they are fast’ or at least they think so.
I just choose the unassuming way and let my legs do the rest of the talking and yes w/7cm high socks preferred.
Assos surely wouldn’t lead one astray on that, right??
David, you are right. I withdraw and apologise (as the bishop said to the actress). Unless, of course, there are different strands within the Cognoscenti movement …
I’ve been thinking on this “sock” issue. I realised last year that white socks should never be worn with silver shoes if you don’t have a PRO tan. It is only in this situation – wearing of silver shoes and not possessing a PRO tan – that the wearing of black socks is acceptable
@Souleur
I’ll allow the exception, but I’ve found that most folks wearing >5cm socks are hiding pretty spindly lower legs. Under the circumstances, it’s an understandable fashion choice, but just sayin’. Silver shoes/white socks: asking for a drubbing.
@Jarvis, @Souleur, @Steampunk
I, on the other hand, argue that white socks, white shoes are just too damn sweet to pass up – tan or no. Check the White Ladies – they’re so fast, I don’t even have to pedal anymore!
And, on display by Der Jens:
@Steampunk
Please divert your eyes from my spindly lower legs.
@frank
of course white socks and white shoes are a great combination. While black socks and black shoes should never be worn.
Talking of white shoes. The original Time shoes were such a statement.
@Jarvis
Oh MAN!! Those shoes were SO cool. Our own KRX-10 loves them so much he has yet to move on beyond his cherished pair. For questions, review the below photo and tell me which shoes are the best looking pair?
@Geof That might be the yahoo sect of the Cognoscenti. Every group has to put up with them.
@frank
nice drop from seat to handlebars – suggest a rule about riding deep dish rims at anywhere other than a race (ie. it is prohibited)?
@Marcus
This has been suggested before and the notion has been considered seriously by the Velominati. It has been met with divided responses. Of course, for a racing cyclist, this proposed Rule makes lots of sense. Train on something slower and heavier, and you will be set free when you switch to them on Race Day.
That said, I submit my personal reasons to ride deep-dish wheels outside a race:
1) They are gorgeous
2) I enjoy riding them
3) They are more comfortable
4) They sound soooooo sweet
5) I am nearly peaking
6) They are my only set of campy-compatible wheels (that don’t belong to my woman) until I convince Jarvis to sell me his rims and I build up a set of 3-cross Ambrosios, at which point I might consider riding them on my R3 but probably won’t because of items 1-5.
7) I am not presently racing
And that’s without me even trying. I just made those up off the top of my head, and I think they are as good as any reason not to ride them in training. And I would also submit that riding deep-dish wheels when not racing is better than leaving your race number on your bike during training. In fact, Rule 75 added.
Damn it. Rule 14 was perfectly sound before this recent change. “Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.” Even for someone like myself not so keen on canonizing aesthetic preferences, that is a sensible rule, and I’ve never broken it. Besides making good sense, it pays homage to the traditions of the sport of ROAD cycling. Now the perfectly good rule has been butchered with the addition of “Lycra bibs only for the road, baggies only for the mountain bike.” What does that have to do with road cyclists wearing black shorts and the culture, history, and traditions of ROAD cycling? Nothing at all. The new Rule 14 is an ugly chimera.
If MTBers want to make up a list of rules of etiquette, let them do so on their own terms, among their own kind.
Rules 18 and 19 do not tell MTBers what to wear. They tell road cyclists what to wear and not wear. Rule 14 sets a really bad precedent on two counts. 1. At the arbitrary whim of a Keeper, such a chimera of a Rule is canonized, threatening to make the Rules simply the expression of the arbitrary preferences of some or another people. 2. A rule governing folks outside the road cycling community has now been canonized. Why stop there? Let’s add 20 more rules for MTBers. For that matter, let the commuters, of which I am one, have their say too.
Further, XC MTBers train and race in full lycra kit all over the world at all levels. I mean, . . what the fuck? It’s not even a sensible rule for MTBers, for Christ’s sake.
The MTB culture, I’m told, is a very, very different than the road cycling culture. So, the list of Rules, now, does not attempt to mark out one road cycling culture, which is hard enough. Now, it’s also about a completely different MTB culture as well as the road culture. Jesus Christ.
@david
While I am in support of said adjustment, you make good points and perhaps the placement of the baggies is in the wrong Rule. That said, baggies have no place on the road and, for non-racers, lycra has no place off the road. For those reasons, it has to be stated. Upon more careful study of the possible placement, I agree with your assertion. Rule 14 is restored to it’s previous state, and Rules 18 and 19 have been amended to also make statements about where baggies belong.
@frank
Frank: I think I can cut you some slack here (well played on bringing in Jens to back you up). Your lower leg is longer than I am. In that case, a huge calf is impossible, and the slightly longer sock makes some sense. I go with a shorter sock, not more than 2cm above the top of the ankle bone.
@frank
Aaaah Frank, thank you for your considered response. I agree with you on so many things, but on this point I must beg to differ.
My reasoning on not riding deep dish rims in training is twofold:
1.I get a little worried whenever I end up in a bunch with riders on deep dish wheels as they are invariably signs of either:
a) a cashed up douche who spent up big at the bike shop and who will not be able to handle the wheels in any sort of breeze, or
b) a good rider who is going to hand out the hurt.
Am sure you fall into the latter category.
2. They are expensive to replace – better off on a bomb-proof set of training wheels so you don’t end up trashing those Zipps when a rider in category 1(a) above brings you down on a training ride.
But I can see that this is a matter of personal preference – and they undeniably look and sound good.
I am now a subscriber to the tubeless tyre movement. Am pretty sure that is breaking some rule somewhere.
What tubeless do you run? I like tubeless on my MTB (when I ride it, which is not that often these days), but have been a bit suspicious of whether they can handle the higher pressure on the road. Pretty unenthusiastic about popping one at 50kph carving around a corner …
@Geof
Lucky that you never hit 50kmh or carve around corners then…
You’re right though Geof, where tubeless is the only way to go for MTB, I’m a bit sceptical about the high pressures too. But, I’m sure there’s no way they would be released to the public without extensive testing and posing the threat that they could explode and fail catastrophically… oh wait, Mavic R-sys!
Use Campy Shamal 2-ways with Hutchison tyres (Atoms mostly) and Stan’s No Tubes for a training/racing combo. Initial installation was nowhere near as hard as it was reported to be.
Have been going for almost 6 months on them and only had one flat when a piece of glass cut a 3cm rip in the tyre – whacked a tube in there with a 5-dollar note over the cut and got home fine. Replaced the tubeless with a clincher tyre for a few weeks as I didn’t have a spare tubeless tyre. So the “2-way” functionality has already been useful.
Other than that one (understandable) flat they have been great – got through a half a season of (moderately paced!) crits so no problems found on cornering. There was a slight psychological reluctance to begin with (ie. what the fuck is my tyre holding onto!) but that has disappeared.
I got them mainly for the asserted reliability, comfort of riding (fast!) on lower tyre pressures (contrary to what most roadies think, the benefit of lowering rolling resistance by increasing tyre pressure is very very marginal) and a very light but robust wheel.
I am a convert. Will better be able to assess reliability after a year – but so far so good.
Stans are releasing their own road rims/wheelsets soon too, if they are as good as their MTB stuff they will be awesome. But I guess there’ll always be people who will cry foul because of the MTB connection (although it hasn’t hurt Ritchey or SRAM).
I think a Campy wheelset removes the MTB concerns!
@frank
The correct answer is Pedro Delgado’s shoes. I had a pair of the original Time shoes with the white soles, bought just before they brought the above version out so i was a little miffed. For a while I was a subscriber to the Greg Lemond school of adding a toe-strap between the two velcro straps. As Far as I could tell it made fuck all difference, but it made me look like I knew what I was doing, even if I was crap.
I saw a pair of second generation Time shoes on ebay the other day. For shoes that were used and close to 20 years old, they were immaculate, they still had the small gold size sticker on the sole at the toe end.
Once I’m back on the bike I’m lining a pair of the new Time shoes up as an early purchase.
Frank is clearly wrong about running deep-section carbon wheels while not racing…or is he? While I think it is offensive to be running them on a training ride, unless you are close to peaking and are testing equipment prior to a race in a couple of days, it is only acceptable if you dish out a world of hurt as well otherwise you look like a douche (or a “knob” or a twat, if you’re British). As of a couple of years ago I returned to racing after a break of a few years and rightly found my self at the back of the easiest races. What I did notice was a general inability of a lot of people to ride a bike safely in a group. It was at this point I pondered the decline in cycling club culture, but also was thankful that I was riding a bike that was a 10 year-old frame with nothing better than 105 hung on it and a nice pair of Ambrosio tub wheel that if anyone put a skewer into could be repaired easily. It was then that I decided that if I was ever in a position to own a very nice, expensive bike – for instance Frank’s – I would only use it for riding around the countryside where I could enjoy it rather than have The Fear that some twat wouldn’t hold their line and take out a bike I couldn’t afford to replace. Case in point, at the end of one of the races I did last year, bringing up the rear of the bunch having completed my lead-out duties, two idiots sprinting for 27th, got together and ended up on the floor in front of me. One of said idiots was on a Giant TCR top-of-the-range frame with SRAM Red gear, the bike was a couple of weeks old and now had a hole in the frame and a bent front brake.
I think that it is perfectly acceptable to ride all your nicest gear while out on training rides, but you still have to be able to carry the kit off with style.
Yeah, no doubts there mate! But I was referring to the new Stans road wheels not being accepted within the road scene because of their MTB heritage.
@brett
road scene has a big enough issue adapting to any change – the whole idea of tubeless (regardless of brand) will be slow if it happens to any large extent at all. Less flats seems like a pretty good idea to me…
@ steampunk: thanks for the ‘elbow room’ on my socks and shoes of choice. I appreciate your concern that others in the peloton are hiding something. By the way, my calves have 3 chisled V’s, and 7cm doesn’t hide that.
@ frank: I conceded wholeheartedly that white on white is fast, that is why I currently ride black, my expectations are low for now. Being of the Cognoscenti, and a Puritan on top of that, I recognize the implementation of Golden Rule, expecting from others what you would expect that they would expect of you. I will perhaps pick up my first set of whities next riding season, hoping then to jump up to a respectable place in the local racing scene. I however refuse to ride like a pussy in white shoes allowing others to repeatedly rape me on each and every hard effort and training ride. Black seems to retard that to some degree.
and in terms of your very nice Velomahottie, my complements with respect. very nice indeed, you should be proud.
@bikenerd: thanks, but I must be honest that ‘aesthete’ is a term I am not the originator of, for I am not nearly as original as that, and someone else within the Cognoscentia gets credit for that. It is only a term in my lexicon thanks to someone else whom I am the kind benefactor of.
Now, in terms of deep dish or carbon rims and daily riding. I am conflicted in this for the following reason.
a. I use to think it was something to be used race day only, and that it is of limited utility for daily riding due to the fact that daily riding is not ‘racing’.
b. However, it shows a deep commitment, and all out assault and a daily demonstration to only riding the best and is a valuable ambassador for those around to see and appreciate.
c. For that reason I can see this being an open interpretation of ones choosing.
I personally ride zipp tubulars at races, but trade them out for training w/my mavic open pro custom built up clinchers for training and nasty riding due to their broad utilitarian application. I just cannot stomach flatting out tubulars too often and regluing.
@Jarvis Here may be one way to put the point. If you run deep-dish carbon fiber wheels on a training ride, you had better take a solo flier at some point, and really make the pack work to catch you.
rule 68/74 conundrum; on a climbing ride how does one calculate the total metres ascended? I have a theory that map my ride, say, is pretty rubbish for working out climbed metres and also gradients. As an example, the 96km loop I’m doing tomorrow has 550m vertical metres and a max gradient of 5%. I’ve done this route with a garmin before and that has said its more like 1.5km and the gradient is more like 10-12%, at least on the first 500m of the climb.
I take this to mean that either the altimeter in the garmin is out or map my ride/google maps is just not accurate enough (and its totally mapmyride thats wrong). I would say that map my ride is out (dependent on length of route) by 2 to 4 times, worked out from comparing the two systems.
i’d rather use a garmin to work out vertical metres, therefore breaking rule 74. I’d never use it to work out where I’m going (see; rule 5) but I do use to to see where I’ve been and data associated with that (gradients, accelerations and whatnot). So i guess my point is that gps units do have their uses and if I use it right would help me in my quest to peak in two months. And I feel bad about breaking rule 74 but not that bad.
I hope that made sense, I’ve spent the whole of today trying to work out if my rear triangle is bent (I’ve still got no idea if it is, but something’s not right) and I’m fried.
With respect to Rule 74 (pretty sure it wasn’t there last time I looked). My uni team have been given money in order to hire Power Meters… the logic being that we never gauge our training efforts well, and also can’t see how we progress… hmm… rule breaking
Looks like the stirrings of a revolt . . .
@andy: I have never worried about meters ascended…
We all just talk about the climbs when we get in. I have an altimeter on my cpu, but just don’t use it that much.
So if (as per rule 9) riding in bad weather means you are a badass. Period. What are you if you are doing intervals in bad weather and you just got done pouring five yards of concrete?
Obviously I didn’t read all 521 comments but I may have found a glaring oversight in the rules:
NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! run anything other than Campagnolo on an Italian bike.
@Cyclops
Didn’t you mean to say, “NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! run Campag”?
@Nathan Edwards
Two questions:
1) Are you doing a sport science degree that requires the measurement of power?
2) Is the sports science department using the cycling club to do research that requires measuring power?
If the answer to these questions is, ‘No’, then you do not need a power meter and so are able to adhere to Rule 74, which is perfect by the way. Also you are at university and therefore should spend most of the time in the bar.
I’d like to propose a new rule.
There are no excuses to drop litter and this includes bottles and gel wrappers. It may be common sense to most people, but with PRO’s like Motoricus doing it when two-minutes clear in Roubaix, it’s quite clear that this pointless habit is stopped and if that requires a Rule, so be it.
Last night the Velomihottie and myself went to watch a crit in the local town. Road races don’t happen very often around these parts, I think in a season there are only four races that you don’t have to drive over an hour and a half to reach. At about three-quarters of the way through the hour-long feature race one rider decided that he’d throw his gel wrapper at my feet. Delighted I picked up the wrapper, suggested that he’d dropped something and then went and put an official complaint with the race officials. Hopefully he was disqualified, but somehow I doubt it.
There is another issue other than the littering, why would you need a gel in an hour-long race?
@Souleur @andy
I believe that when it comes to a velominatus, there is never be the need to quantify things such as metres climbed and kilometres ridden. Weather conditions, how the ride felt, terrain and how many hours you were out for, by all means. For example: yesterday I was out for six hours over three mountain passes in the piss-pouring rain, and finished off with three laps of a local circuit that includes a 20% climb. As Souleur says, the climbs can be discussed when you get it – how you dropped so and so at this point, to which they are then able to reply that they are peaking in two months time and so let you go as otherwise they might peak too soon.
If you want to anal-ise the ride to the nth degree, please do it in the confines of you bedroom.
@Jarvis
1) No
2) No
… but I must disagree with the idea of being in the bar all the time… I’m at uni, more time to be on the bike. I must agree, I don’t think we’re good enough to require Power taps but it’s not my decision.
@Jarvis
Gel in a 1hr crit? Guy should be DQ’d for massive failure to comply with Rule 5, whether or not he can keep his wrapper to himself.
@Geof
Rule #5 failure obviously. His girlfriend argued with me, the outcome of which was that she (and probably he) are under the illusion that he is on his way to being a PRO…
@Nathan Edwards
Rule #5. Mon-Thurs: Study. Ride Bike. Go to Bar. Sleep. Repeat. Fri Eve-Sun: Go to Bar. Ride Bike. Go to Bar. Race. Sleep.
@Jarvis
@Geof
The sugar in your blood starts thinning out at 30-45 minutes after you start riding. You want sugar in your blood. It’s a good thing. You will go faster using sugar from the blood as well as stored sugar. That’s why energy drinks, bars, gels, etc, in a one hour crit.
Complying with Rule 5 does not require being dumb.
@Jarvis
Get thee be behind me Shimano.
@david
You don’t need a gel in a 1 hour crit, a bottle of energy drink, yes, a gel beforehand, maybe.
No, you do need more sugar than what one bottle of a drink can provide in a one hour crit, even if you eat something before hand. 30-45 minutes, the sugar in your blood is drastically reduced. This is science, man. But, good for me the more people think like that. Spread your word as wide and far as possible.
@david
Dunno where you are getting your since from mate. If you have fuelled well enough beforehand you have 400g of carbs (glucose/fructose) in your body. In 1 hour you might use 150g… so you don’t actually need any to survive. You can only actually absorb 60g of glucose and 30g of fructose per hour and you can get most of that from a bottle. Besides, a gel in a crit is dangerous, you’ll either cause a crash or get dropped
@Nathan Edwards All those numbers look way too convenient. “You can only actually absorb 60g of glucose.” That number is going to vary greatly from person to person. And you’re ignoring the difference between stored glucose and blood-delivered glucose, as well my claim that it’s better not to have to rely only on stored glucose. Sure, you have stored glucose for an hour. You’re not going to bonk. But, you get higher performance when you also have glucose blood delivered as well. At least, this is my understanding of the science. I’ll try to dig up the studies for you.
And, I’ve found a world of difference between riding a crit with no extra sugar, or just a bottle of Cytomax or whatever, and that and a gel or two at about 30 to 45 minutes. Try it some time, you’ll feel the difference. And, it’s not dangerous unless you’re a like a complete university rookie racer, spinning widely out of control on a compact in a crit. Er, sorry. Cheap shot. ;-)
@Nathan Edwards @david
I believe the amount of carb a person can absorb in an hour varies between 45g and 90g. But you should be relying on the glycogen stored in the muscle, and replenishing it before the stores are deplenished.
Anyway, most people haven’t a clue how to fuel their bodies properly, especially when it comes to gels and drinks.
On an 8 hour ride I know that if I do the following I’m ok (I use Zipvit)
1 500ml energy drink before I start
2 750ml bottles on the bike (both energy unless very hot then 1 energy, 1 electrolyte)
1 bar at the start
2 bars during the ride
1 gel every 45-50 minutes
I’m 6’1″ and 85kg, so need a fair amount of stuff to haul my fat arse along. Trial and error has led me there and I’d rather have too much than blow up.
My nutrition for an 8 hour ride:
Coffee and croissant about an hour or two into the ride.
Turkey and avocado sandwich about 4 hours into the ride.
At least 3 bottles of Cytomax or Gatorade. 3 bottles of water.
We’re drifting away from the rules a bit and the bigger point: don’t be a douche by littering while riding. In terms of nutrition, hydrating the day before can’t be overstated. I’ll go through two or three liters of water the day before a ride and can manage two to three hours without needing anything to drink on the bike. So: preparation is key.
Maybe a rule about preparation—of body, bike, and mind—would be appropriate. I’ll give that some thought…
@Jarvis
@Steampunk
Litter Rule added… cheers
Rule 37: The reason is so that in the event of a crash, the said eyewear falls away from the riders face, preventing further injury.
Rule 40: Pro mechanics do it because the logo used to also list the range of pressure of a tire, in a quiver of wheels it was easy to inflate tires at the beginning of a race to the correct pressure (for some riders I wrote notation about particular air pressure preferences).
Fuck, that’s exactly what I said! Cool.
Rule 63: This one’s been bothering me for awhile. The rationale: yes and no. At the same time:
1. the left arm is more visible to traffic behind you and ahead of you
2. if I have to brake suddenly, I’d really prefer to do that with my right hand
3. if I’m about to make a right turn, I’d rather have my right hand on the bars to initiate my lean
Not me, but you might have your brakes on the “Aussie” side? One handed I’d rather jam on the front than risk a skid on the back… is this just me?
@Rob
No, not Aussie, but I thought I’d rather skid as I returned my left hand to the brakes than go over the top if I overdo it…
@Darren
Brilliant! It’s genius!
@Steampunk
Dude, really? This sounds an awful lot like you’re going to mount a mirror imminently.
^%$^%#, sometimes Frank has just the right touch.
@Steampunk Fail on technique… you do not go over the top if you shift your wieght back. But then maybe I don’t because I have so much weight to shift?
“^%$^%#, sometimes Frank has just the right touch.” Well observed!
@Darren Thank you! Being old school (no glasses back in the day) I have not understood the outside strap thing until now. Please contribute more.
@frank
Ouch! That hurt. Probably most deserved, although I would never, ever, mount a mirror. I retract 2, but stand by 1 & 3.
@Rob
I’m reasonably confident you’re not shifting more weight than I am. Who knows: it might be a balance thing for me; I’m left-handed and have always felt more comfortable flapping that arm around than the other.
I suggest a topical yet timeless Rule:
The crucial, nation-gripping match in one of the weak-minded, feeble-legged sports, for example the “soccer” World Cup, is to be greatly cherished and anticipated as a chance to hit roads empty of cars and populated only by fellow devotees of the One True Path. Even considering staying indoors to watch 22 men theatrically fall over whilst failing to intercept the 1000th-generation overpriced version of an inflated pig’s bladder is in instant violation of Rule 5, and should spend some time on the rivet thinking about what they did.
@AlexScott292
I like it and couldn’t agree more. This I ponder from time to time. Our sport is lifelong and need not require a team to enjoy. Your suggestion highlights a fundamental difference between the ball sports and the balls sport.
Ah the rules! Brett good to see you are still living by the same set of rules – I hope that as a fellow wildman you are still living by those rules also!
Wildman commeth…
@AlexScott292 Hear, hear!
What happened to Rules 13, 38, 43, 47, & 53? Especially 38? The others are prime numbers, so that would provide some symmetry if (okay, shutting up)…
@Steampunk
Well done, Eagle Eye. Some Rules which were phrases more than Rules were moved to the Lexicon, such as Gun Check and Carbone. Others were combined into other rules, by request. For example, 38 was deemed redundant to 39 and they were combined. Don’t worry – on our back end, we still have the original list, untouched, so we can always go back. It’s just some magic on the display side of things. Also, in order to not upset the numbering of existing Rules, we decided to leave the gaps in the sequence, rather than reordering the whole thing.
I have a suggested amendment to rule 56. Macchiatos are usually consumed by weak men and women. Furthermore, this consumption usually takes place in establishments such as Starbucks, Costa Coffee and Coffee Republic, all typically frequented by challenged males (some limp wristed, some with yellow bands) and dizzy females. Nowhere in the rule does it state that such establishments are to be avoided at all costs. I am comfortable with your (obvious) assertion that espresso is the drink of choice however you have not made what in my eyes is a clear recommendation to try one’s best to ensure the coffee is drunk from a small white porcelain cup, ideally with the word “Segafredo” written on the side and furthermore to try and accompany it with an almond based biscuit. Finally, may I request the rule is also revisited in terms of apparel for drinking the coffee. With the growing popularity of podium shoes on the market I think we could all do with some clear direction on this hot topic. Many thanks.
@Paxmachine
Son, you are singing the song I like to hear. Your comment on which establishment to frequent can be expanded thus:
Podium shoes. My god, man. This is a disaster. I am even disheartened by the advent of “walkable” cleats. I am in love with my Time pedals, but lost is the artistry of walking over hard surfaces in cleats that are made of metal. The Time Cafe cleat removes the skill of not looking like a tool as you slip in a bit of damp floor and spill your espresso on your stunning white shoes. Speedplay still has the appropriate level of danger in their cleats, and I applaud them for it. Simplicity will do here:
@Paxmachine An almond based biscuit. Fabulous. I think there may be support for this among the Velominati. But why hold back Paxmachine? How about this?
New Rule 56: When wearing a cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso ristretto from a pre-warmed, white dimatasse with the brand name Segafredo written on the side. If drinking before a ride and one absolutely must have more caffine, then one must not order a 24 oz. filter-brewed coffee. If not in Italy, order a double espresso ristretto, but do so in a quite voice. Enjoy with an almond-based biscuit. If the cafe most conveniently situated on your ride cannot manage this, then meditate on Rule 5 and ride the extra five, ten, or twenty miles to find a proper cafe. If a fellow cyclist asks you what this fastidiousness has to do cycling style, nod your head slowly in disappointment and mention that his white bar tape is looking a little dingy.
@david
David, just when I think you and I will never understand each other, you put this out there and completely redeem yourself.
Despite it’s obvious slathering in apparent sarcasm, your post reveals a deep, hidden – perhaps stifled – appreciation for and understanding of Rule Holism. You are revealed and have been set free.
@david +1 but have to point out one small fail:
“but do so in a quite voice.”
I suggest:
“but do so sotto voce.”
Fixed.
@Rob
Sweetness!
@frank Hah! You’ll never see that. Whenever I become tempted by the darkside, I just start willfully violating conventions, standards, and rules governing appearances, taste, and style, and I return again to an authentic practice.
@Rob Yes, very nice touch Rob.
Grazie
@david
elegant
@Rob
eleganter
@Wildman
Could it be the wildman Paul?
@brett
The one and only!
@Wildman
Awesome, welcome to the fold!
Get your Tour tips in bro, as a former Cyclingnews.com scribe you should have the inside running…
I have to disagree. I usually steer as far away from any Lanciness as possible but the black socks (of the correct height – blow me Ted King) with my black club kit, black shoes, black bike, black bar tape, and black seat are the epitome of classy stealth.
Disclaimer: I’m about 10 kilos lighter now than I am in that picture and I have since corrected all rule violations except for #50 because I get cut-off by the wife if I get rid of the goat.
Crap. How do you post images?
Here’s the picture in question.
@Cyclops, you might really tickle frank and others by getting clear water bottles with black tops, and then putting red gatorade in both. Resubmit pic while on group ride.
I agree cyclops. I’ve got a pair of black/orange twinsix socks that I rock with my velominati kit. It’s a nice look. I had been wearing them with black shoes until Frank gave me his old silver/black DMT’s when he got the white ladies. Still looks rad.
That kit of yours is like a cross between the Rock Racing and CTT kits
@david
Ooh! And a wave. No: Frank’s not going to like this one bit!
@david
Now I run Hammer Heed so it’s clear but now my wife says it’s harder to pick me out at a distance than it was with the blue Accelerade.
@Marko
Yeah, the CTT look was what the powers that be was shooting for. In case you’re wondering about the wings the club is Eagle Rock Cycling and they look way better now that we have the matching bibs (that I designed) with a red band at the bottom of the legs.
Black socks OK with dark shoes. Haven’t tested with the White Ladies, but I suspect it might actually be awesome in a really unexpected way. I’m also considering orange socks. Trust me.
But Cyclops, as a guy with undeniable vision as evidenced through your creation of the Velominati pint glass you sent me yesterday, I expect you understand that you need to furnish an updated photo immediately.
I mean, come on. We have standards around here.
@frankAre we going to see a picture of the “holy grail” sometime soon?
@all
The Holy Chalice:
Sent to me yesterday by Cyclops. Thanks, mate.
My pleasure.
Nice still life. Goes perfect with the Molteni jersey. I hope that’s a Belgian beer. We wouldn’t want a Eddy taking issue with the Velominati.
@frank I’m delighted you’ve seen sense and banned these horrible establishments but a little concerned by your slightly aggressive stance on podium shoes. Of course I don’t own a pair, I was simply drawing your attention to some ambiguity in the rule. You have quite rightly frowned upon their existence but have been quite sensible in permitting them provided there is a presentation ceremony actually taking place within the establishment. Your reminiscence about metal cleats is to be greeted with nothing short of admiring, knowing, nods and reminds me of a tale I heard of Sean Kelly cycling in a group through a mountainside tunnel in Italy, uncleating and generating sparks by bouncing his Irish foot off the tarmac (I suspect you can’t do that with Look Keos).
I have to say, I wonder what the two times Paris Roubaix hardman would think about your steadfast support for Macchiato. Drinks like that my friend may be acceptable over in the US when hanging out with Aniston, Schwimmer and Cox but over here in Europe, real men stick only to espresso WITHOUT milk.
That said, this is a global village and we must agree to disagree on certain points. As long as we all agree that Armstrong is a twat, then I’m cool (but he doesn’t half get a lot of mentions on the sight).
@david David, this is great, it’s clear and concise, leaves no room for misinterpretation and is attuned to my complex brain. Perhaps if that almond biscuit is individually wrapped rather than plucked from a larger packet it can taste better??
Well put. Very well put. Of course, I suspect in Kelly’s world, the only acceptable beer must be darker than said espresso. A pint of plain is your only man…
OK, Spartacus just waved at the camera so I am vindicated.
@Cyclops
Nice try. But you can do anything you want when you’re in yellow. Rules hardly apply. Just ask Lance.
@ frank: I thought of one you may add or not at your leisure
After cracking my legs doing intervals today and bleeding through my eyeholes I am reminded of the following:
All riders MUST train, else your no rider
but not all riders race
and if you do, train yourself harder than you race
In terms of Rule 61: addendum recommendation: if your ass is so soft that you need a fluffy saddle and you don’t lance your own saddle sores and boils, see Rule #5 pussies
so i ran across this – http://www.htfu.com/
is there a connection between them and those here?
@dago
eeeeeeuuuwww! that looks like some sort of collective of triathletes and other lost souls. Whilst the true velominatus sleep on the other side of the world, let me answer on their behalf – no connection there.
Dago (interesting name) – suggest you go to Rule 5 – watch the video link of Uncle Chop Chop in action to get some idea. No doubt Frank and others will be in touch shortly to set you straight.
@Marcus
Hmmm – I think I’ve seen that logo in a photo of a Velomihottie’s calf, haven’t I? (http://www.velominati.com/blog/routes/hills/tour-de-blast-2010/)
@Geof
fuck geof you may have – if so I have probably offended many! But the fact remains there is a lot of triathlete-friendly material there. Who cares, I just wanted to type Uncle Chop Chop!
@Geof
sorry one other thing – I did watch that Tour de Blast vid a while back and all I remember about Frank’s velomihottie is that she misheard a comment from him. She asked whether he asked her something about getting her boobs out. And she seemed to ask it like it wasn’t out of the question? Massive respect to her!
@Geof
Frank and his entourage strike me as a pretty shifty bunch…
I was just pimping out my bike (Rule #65) for this Saturday’s crit and thought of another rule. When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve the aesthetic of racing machine.
@Cyclops Oh, that’s beautiful. I’ve always removed my second cage for every crit I’ve ever raced.
@Cyclops
Nice one, added…
What do the rules say about elbow pads?! Saw this guy yesterday:
http://mcac.posterous.com/breaking-the-rules-tag
@Keith
Oh dear… there probably shouldn’t be a need for one, but luckily there is!
Thanks, except you need to fix my typo… “preserve the aesthetic of the racing machine”
in regards to my comment about htfu.com – i posted this in another forum as well that are firm believers in that rule-
one response to the post was possibly the addition of a new rule
Rule #? HTFU shall not be commercialized.
just thought id share
Agreed
I feel that I must respectfully disagree with the hard and fast nature of the newly minted rule 78. Here are but a few instances where the second bidon cage may be retained:
1. You ride to and from the race to warm up/down, guzzling on your second bidon which you leave with your extra non-racing gear in your musette whilst you race.
2. You race the crit and then immediately head out to train in the early season to “get the miles up”. This can also be used as an excellent excuse when you race poorly (I am peaking in two months), so you always need the second cage to add credence to this excuse.
3. You may require the (full) second bidon during the race to use as a missile to aim at a moto that ventures too close.
I believe there is a certain coolness that one emanates (which I don’t have) by rolling up to a crit on one’s steed, throwing some gear to one side and then proceeding to hand out the pain in very large instalments.
So maybe rule 78 is a bit too hard and fast?
In support of the newly-minted Rule 78, I’d say this. It was so quickly adopted, I suppose, because it’s a rule aiming at an aesthetic ideal. The Keepers are quick to throw practicality under the bus in favor of achieving aesthetic ideals. In this case, for some odd reason, so am I. Now, I’ve ridden 30 miles . . . er, 50km out to a crit and back. Additional bottles go in your back pack or musette, or else they go in a jersey pocket.
Further, there are practical reasons in favor of removing the second cage. It’s unnecessary aerodynamic drag. Sure, it’s not much, especially when riding in the pack. But a craftsman will be keen to remove all unnecessary drag. An option for you might be to put the second cage in your musette bag and install it after the crit when you go out for your 100k post-crit training ride.
@david
I trust your tongue is firmly embedded in your cheek. But if not, read on:
1. Did you just suggest combining a back pack with your race bike? Surely not.
2. Aero drag from a cage which effectively sits almost “behind” the front cage and bidon – and in a crit? David, you are having a laugh. More drag would probably be generated from your shoes sans overshoes. But am guessing the aesthete in you would draw the line at wearing TT overshoes in a crit? If not look out for second bidon projectiles launched by fellow racers.
3. And lastly, empty cages on bikes don’t look bad – they are what you see whenever you see a victory salute.
And its a bidon, not a bottle, for crying out loud.
@david
Absolutely not. Aesthetics are absolutely critical in cycling, but never at the expense of function. Have you learned nothing that we have taught you?
In fact, you yourself go on to explain a functional reason for removing the
bottlebidon cage, albeit a marginal one. The primary reason, of course, is because if unused (as it would be in a <60 minute crit) it would only serve to get in the way (in a crash, for example) or add weight.Just when I think there’s no way you can possibly disappoint me further, you go and say something like this and TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF.
@Marcus
You have come far, my son. A perfect defense. ++1.
Me: The Keepers are quick to throw practicality under the bus in favor of achieving aesthetic ideals.
Frank: Absolutely not. Aesthetics are absolutely critical in cycling, but never at the expense of function.
Me: Bullocks. Are you kidding? Do you want me to go threw the Rules one by one?
Frank: An unused cage would only serve to get in the way of a crash. Heiheee^%$^%$!! That’s no reason at all.
Frank: Or, it adds weight.
Me: Yes, I agree with that one. I should have added it to unnecessary drag. Both the drag and the weight are fractional. But, as I said, a true craftsmen will seek to reduce both unnecessary weight and drag, however slight.
@frank
Thanks – but sometimes the student can become the teacher. Its a fucking bidon Frank.
@Marcus
Huh? What? Erm. I don’t see the word “bottle” up there.
@david
As soon as you explain to me what it means to “go threw the Rules”, I would happy to do so.
@frank
Nice Frank.
And David, its bollocks, not bullocks. But I still respect you.
And both of you be careful of those dangerous empty bidon cages next time you are in a chute. They could take an eye out – if you eye-butted one.
@Marcus
i. I ride to many crits with a back pack. Absolutely. I’ve got in their all my crit racing stuff. A thermos of coffee. At least four water BOTTLES. Lunch. Post-race shoes. Fresh socks for my second race. Extra kit, in case I crash after my first race and want fresh kit for my second. I almost always race two crits per day: the elite category and the master’s category. No one here who doesn’t ride 20 or 30 miles to a race, do two races, and then ride 20 to 30 miles home has any grounds at all for giving me any shit. And, if the Rules tell against wearing a backpack in such circumstances, I say, first, Fuck the Rules, and second, it would be a perfect example of the Keepers throwing practicality under the bus for aesthetics ideals. You want to put all that in your jersey pockets?? In some musette bag flopping all over the place, like a fixie’s courier bag?? Fuck that. I commute with a back pack and rides to crits with a back pack. It’s the best, most functional way to ride in these circumstances.
ii. Marcus: “Aero drag from a cage which effectively sits almost “behind” the front cage and bidon – and in a crit? David, you are having a laugh. More drag would probably be generated from your shoes sans overshoes. But am guessing the aesthete in you would draw the line at wearing TT overshoes in a crit? If not look out for second bidon projectiles launched by fellow racers.”
Me: I’ll reflect seriously on this, Marcus, and may opt for TT shoe covers. I’ve seen many crit racers with TT shoe covers. The question is this. Does the added weight of the covers, along with the constricted breathing of the covers, have enough areodynamic advantage to offset the weight and the additional heat generated by the covers?? I don’t know the answer to this question. If you can help me out here, I’ll be happy.
An aesthete, I am not. Perhaps you’ve missed my earlier comments months ago. I’ve been trying to challenge the Keeper’s aestheticism for months now.
Damn it, frank, publish my manifesto. I’m hurting here.
Damn, I tried to appeal to an international anglo-speaking cycling community and fucked it all up. Oh well. Apologies.
@david I should add this, probably against TT shoe covers. Where I am at, I’ve raced in crits with temps at 107 degrees F. I can’t imagine that the areodynamic advantage of shoe covers in this situation would offset the additional heat generated. So, at least when the temps are high, it’s rational not to wear shoe covers, but to remove the second water bottle cage.
@david I fucked that up too. When the temps are that high, I actually use two water bottles in a crit under 60 minutes. I feel like Mark Cavendish today.
@david
Nice one.
Just ask George Hincapie. He can tell you why, and he’s probably the only one.
@frank “Just ask George Hincapie. He can tell you why, and he’s probably the only one.” Heh heh heay! Funny.
@david
Don’t beat yourself up too much – feeling like Mark Cavendish is no way for any man to feel.
I have to say, given his circumstances, I’m with David on this one.
David, it just strikes me that we all should refer to the great ones as our models and some how I can’t see Kelly, when he was comming up in Ireland, using a back pack to go off to his races? You know I think it would have been spare tub, Bovril sandwich (http://www.britishcornershop.co.uk/britishfood.asp?id=TJ0758usa), maybe a second bidon (probably not) and his rosary. Just thinkin…
Ah Bovril. You take a cow. You kill it. Chop it up and put in in a vat. Top up with water. Add heat. Simmer for couple of weeks. Add salt. Bovril. Job done well.
As for all the new rules that have come into play over past few weeks / months…. I am only a Velominati youngling at the start of my journey, so what do I know, but I do remember the original rules being deemed too long, and in need of being tidied up and separated into the Rules and the Lexicon not long ago… but already we are back at Rule 78…
Given I am prone to habitually pointing out rule infringements on the road (I like to think of it as apprenticeship), as well as particularly awesome rule compliances (particuarly rule 9)… it is hard to memorise 78. I get shit from my peloton (ok, grupetto, as we are mostly too fat to climb) about how often I use “Rule 55 infringement” as ‘a number large enough that they think I can get away with not being specific’… e.g. when someone isn’t holding their line and I shout “for fuck’s sake, rule 55″ I often get back (with a confused expression) ‘Hang on, I’m not parked on top of a hill, what are you on about?’…. Joy is, I can now switch 55 to 73… sadness that there are too many to remember.
Bullocks have bollocks, too, you know? Unless, that is…
Bovril in the bidon, though I’m sure Kelly would have been packing a pint of plain.
Oh, and @roadslave
HTFU!
@Kermitpunk
Surely you mean to say, “Oh, and @roadslave, Rule 5!”. Lets not forget where we are.
@frank
Yes. Right. Caught up in the moment. My apologies.
@kermitpunk “Yes. Right. Caught up in the moment. My apologies.”
Isn’t that Cavendouche’s excuse for why he comes across as an arse?
Point taken, though. Will apply rule 5.
@roadslave
Touché. I will go out and do some hill repeats as penance.
Rule 37 just cost me a set of polarized lenses and a small dose of my dignity. I might have to rethink my former position on this rule. Getting a bee stuck inside the helmet left me w/o time to think about removing the shades first. To top it off my buddy said I looked like and yelled like a teenage girl who walked into a spiderweb doing that spazzy arm flailing maneuver. Rule 5 prevailed however and I finished the ride after stinger removal.
@pakrat
Are you sure it was just because of Rule 37 that you “yelled like a teenage girl”?
Obey the Rules, mate. Do not loose your faith, my son.
Can NEVER EVER follow Rule 11. Especially when it is with my son. If he is sick I fuck the training and stay with him.
Dear Sacred Brotherhood – Regarding rule #16, I’ve been hankering for the Woolistic Molteni World Champion for a while now…because, in a sense, it is paying homage to The Cannibal and the Greatest Cyclist of All Time. Since surely no one would for a brief moment confuse my humble skills with that of a Champion, I was wondering if donning this jersey would somehow not violate Sacred Rule #16. Thank you for you decision on this matter which has been weighing down my soul…
http://www.vintagevelos.com/19-66-large/cinzano-jersey-low-image.jpg
@Keith I suppose a functional rule would be to never descend behind a douche who’s wearing elbow pads! WTF is this guy thinking? Worst rules violation I’ve seen in a long time…
@KitCarson
Brett will have 35 words for you on this one, mate, but I think you’re good, so long as it really is the wool version. I mean, who can really argue with that classy jersey? Make sure you wear it ironically, though.
@frankThanks for your thoughts Frank. Yes, of course it would be the Swiss made wool. I hear you about the irony. If one were to wear the Molteni Champion jersey earnestly, it would make them into a pretty significant douchebag.
Rule 46. ‘break hoods’? I’d let this slide if it’s because the author dropped out of scuola media to ride his bicycle under the covert approval of the local vicar.
Hey Frank – Have you considered creating a “Rule #5 wristband” as an alternative to the yellow LA arm cockring? Ronnie Johns sells his HTFU “Chopper” wristbands….classic. Might be a nice addition.
http://store.ronniejohns.com/?show_product=HTFU
Whoever came up with Rule 76 I thank yee muchly, I’d never worked out a decent way of storing my helmet when I took it off
On Rule 8. I don’t disagree with the rule as written I do however note with interest the increasing prevalence of black bar tape with white/white with black graphics/white and another colour saddle in the ProTour peleton. Garmin, Sky, Lampre, Lotto and others have all been spotted with this. Is it against the rules or is it just a case of “you know wrong when you see it” and individual judgements apply.
Have you ever seen these bananas especially grown for rule number 5
http://www.photobox.co.uk/my/photo/full?photo_id=444452485
@steve0651
Unfortunately your link doesn’t work! I’m absolutely intrigued, however, so please re-post!
Ummm try this then
@Steve0651
Ha! I’m going to plant a tree out back that grows ones that say “RULE 5″.
Ummm does this work?
http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/foreveryoungfitnessltd/Bananas#5499419770343521490
Nice idea about the ‘Rule 5s’ I wonder if Tescos will want to sell them? If they don’t they should Harden the Fuck Up!
We used HTFU to very good effect doing this http://www.tourdeforce.org.uk/blog/
Some of the riders had never seen some of the clothing rules and have since been severely reprimanded over a beer! 14 guys managed all 3,700 km and we’ve raised £380,000