Eddy Merckx and Roger de Vlaeminck laying the groundwork for the Rules

We are the Keepers of the Cog.  In so doing, we also maintain the sacred text wherein kept are the simple truths of cycling etiquette known simply as, The Rules.  It is in our trust to maintain and keep this list.

The Rules:

1. Obey The Rules.
2. It is forbidden for someone familiar with the rules to knowingly assist another person to breach them.¹
3. No matter how good you think your reason is to knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.
4. It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about the bike.  Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a twatwaffle.
5. Harden The Fuck Up.²
6. Free your mind and your legs will follow.
7. Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.  Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines.  Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.
8. Saddles, Bars, and Tires³:
   • Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
   • Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
   • Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
   • Black, black, black
9. If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass.  Period.
10. It never gets easier, you just go faster.⁴
11. Family does not come first.  The bike does.
12. The minimum number of bikes one should own is three.  The correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned.  This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
13. The phrase “Gun Check” refers to an assessment of your legs and how much hurt they are capable of dishing out at any given moment.  Own your guns.
14. Team-issue shorts should be black, with the possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team kit.
15. Black shorts, or at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys and race leadership jerseys, or accept that you will look like a douche.
16. Championship and race leader jerseys must only be worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.
17. Wearing team kit is also questionable if you’re not paid to wear it.  If you must fly the colours of Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
18. No road jerseys when riding off-road.  (Cyclocross is a middle-ground.  Best to wear cross-specific kit.)
19. No mountain jerseys when riding on the road.  (Cyclocross is a middle-ground.  Best to wear cross-specific kit.)
20. The remedies:
    • If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and calves.
    • If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads.
    • If you feel wimpy and weak, get out and train more, ya wee lassie!
21. Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants it.
22. Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating.    The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit.  This includes activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as machine tuning and tire pumping.  Also included are cafe appearances for pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales (provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker chicks).   Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur.  All good things must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it is then time to shower, throw on some suitable après-ride attire (a woollen Molteni Arcore training top circa ‘73 comes to mind) and return to the bar, folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as demonstrated here, rather than a big giant douchebag. ⁴
23. If it’s not cold or wet and you are still wearing shoe covers because you’re a pussy, your name is probably George Hincapie.
24. The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car.  Or at least be relatively more expensive.  Basically, if you’re putting your Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister.
25. There is definitely an “optimal” angle at which the pedals should be when photographing a cyclist.  That angle depends on what the photo wants to say, but is probably around the 30 degree mark.  Not 90 or 180.
26. Sock and short length should be like Golidlocks, not too long and not too short.  (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length, he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the Velominati.  Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain wrong.)  No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should only be worn by female tennis players.
27. Socks can be any damn colour you like.  Black is good, but once again were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long.  DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.
28. Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
29. Ditto for frame-mounted pumps.  Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be carried in jersey pockets.
30. Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be neatly bundled together with a rubber band and stored in jersey pockets, or in a converted bidon in a cage on bike.
31. Hydration packs are never to be seen on a road rider’s body.  No argument will be entered into on this.
32. If your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on their way to a Critical Mass.
33. Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.  On a mountain bike.
34. Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around.  No visors on the road.  If you want shade, see Rule 21.
35. Eyewear shall be cycling specific, i.e no Aviator shades or clip-on covers for reading glasses.
36. The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.  No exceptions.  We don’t know why, it’s just the way it is.
37. You should not make a habit of riding without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog, overheating, and lighting conditions.
38. You should never leave home without your eyewear; when not worn over the eyes, they should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet.  If they don’t fit, buy a new helmet.  In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure not to scratch them on your tools (see item 20).
39. Tires are to be mounted with the label centered directly over the valve stem.  Pro mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve.  You do this because that’s the way pro mechanics do it.  This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat.  It also looks better for photo opportunities.
40. Quick release angle on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred positioning.
41. A bike ride/race shall never be preceeded with a swim and/or followed by a run.
42. That feeling you get when you see a beautiful bike is called “Carbone”.
43. A rider’s handlebars on their road bike must always be lower than their saddle.  The minimum allowable tolerance is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you have them too low.
44. A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above.  A “slammed down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned directly on the top race of the headset.
45. Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground or angled slightly upward.  While they may never be pointed down at all, they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180 and 175 degrees with respect to the level road.
46. The brake levers must always be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the bottom of the bar.  No tolerances are permitted.
47. The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy.
48. The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule 33.)
49. Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.  No full beards, no mustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald.  One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.
50. Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.  You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead.
51. Padding or body armor of any kind is not allowed.
52. Bicycles have saddles.  Otherwise it’s not a bicycle.
53. Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike.  The only exception to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrail.
54. If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain.  It is forbidden to employ powered transportation simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.
55. When wearing a cycling kit and enjoying a pre or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato. If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or mini pumps by others within the community.⁶
56. No stickers on your bike. Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war your against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGRBRAI.  See Rule 5 and ride your bike.

Posts related to The Rules may be found here.

¹ Thanks to Geof for this submission.
² Stijn Devolder on Rule 5, in defense of staying in Belgium when his teammates went off to train in sunny Spain: “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not dead; It hardens your character.”
³ It is possible for experts to mix these matching guidelines successfully without breaking The Rules.  This is a very risky undertaking and can yield unpredictable results.  Proceed carefully and, if in doubt, run your configuration by the Keepers for approval.
⁴ Thanks to James for his sound input on modifying this submission from it’s original draft which read, “An exception to wearing a cap when not riding is: If you have a soigneur (you don’t) and he places the cap on your head after you’ve just won a mountain top finish or soloed into the velodrome (you haven’t).”
⁵ Famous quote by Greg LeMond, former hardmand and current twatwaffle. Incidentally, it does not matter how fast you go, but you may never give up.
⁶ Thanks to Rob for this submission.

Submit your additions, subtractions and suggestions to therules@velominati.com.