Forgiving the triple and EPMS, Pineapple Bob shows us how Looking Fantastic is done.

On Looking Fantastic

by / / 114 posts

Whenever I do anything, I try my best to project the confidence of Han Solo leaving the cantina after cooking Greedo which has been scientifically proven to be the maximum possible score on the Casually Deliberate scale. Being Casually Deliberate comes down to two fundamental units of knowledge that you must hold unwaveringly within your heart: That you Look Fantastic and that You are Awesome at What You Do. Greedo never stood a chance; he hardly had a name tag.

I consider it my personal and professional responsibility to Look Fantastic at All Times whether on the bike, at the office (nothing but Maison Martin Margiela touches this body), at home, or at social engagements (at which times I will allow Rick Owens to mingle in the palate). The secret being, of course, that if you Look Fantastic, you appear twice as competent as you actually are to the casual observer – which is almost everyone these days because no one pays attention anymore.

The Cogal of the Falling Leaves was a cruel mistress, almost sinister. I dreaded the ride a bit, cursing Midsummer Frank who chose such a tough route, basking in his Midsummer Form, oblivious to what kind of horrible shape October Frank would be in. Midsummer Frank is a dick.

Courage is knowing what suffering lies down the road and setting forth nevertheless, but Courage is also a clueless twat about how humbling it is to helplessly watch the group ride away from you on hill after hill, a sensation I’m not entirely accustomed to. Each time, I could barely manage bridging back up just in time for the next hill so I could slip uselessly away again like a teflon-coated stone.

Eventually, the hills were too close together for me to bridge up, and I was cut adrift like a dinghy at sea.

I set off down the road alone while the group refueled at a rest station, not wanting to stop and lose whatever rhythm I’d regained, knowing full well that I was beyond a point where refuelling would be of use. Here it was just me, alone with the hum of my tires and the completely detached sense of ownership of my legs. I wish I’d grabbed the Good Legs from the garage today, but alas I hadn’t.

What kept me going, more than anything, was the knowledge that however slow I was going, I still looked a proper Cyclist, with my kit perfectly in place, my sunnies tucked neatly away in the vents of my helmet, jaw agape, and my perfectly curated machine carrying me along the way. I knew I looked resplendent while pedalling smoothly, the muscle-memory of countless hours accumulated pedalling a bike during my lifetime took over; shoulders steady, head low, legs on autopilot.

Being out of shape at this time of year, with the cold and wet months approaching is a solemn reality. There is nothing welcoming to the common Cyclist: the days are short and cold and getting out during the workweek is an act of true dedication. Kitting up in my finest Nine Kit or my Flandrian Best, emulating the Hardmen is what encourages me to set out onto the road to start the long journey back to fitness.

Looking Fantastic might not be all there is to Cycling, but at times like this, it’s all I got.

VLVV.

// La Vie Velominatus // Look Pro // Musings from the V-Bunker

  1. @Barracuda

    Speaking of fantastic, I’ll just leave this here

    http://cyclingtips.com.au/2015/10/bikes-of-the-bunch-eddy-merckx-team-weinmann-corsa-extra/

    There is so much fantastic there; but I wonder: how can a bike which was ridden by Telekom as well as Motorola look so wrong with Shimano and so right with campa?




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  2. @Oli

    @RedRanger

    Yep, even Indurain did at times in the Giro and Vuelta. I’m not saying it’s right, though …

    Hello? Can anyone hear me?




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  3. @frank

    @litvi

    @Gianni

    @RedRanger

    I didn’t realize that pro’s ever used triple!

    I don’t think PB was a pro. I think he was more a bike model for Bridgestone. This lead photo might have been a catalog shot.

    I don’t think pros could get away with a triple. Even a compact would be a stretch for the rudest stage.

    Just like pros transcend some rules because of sponsorships, you can’t really fault PB for the triple here. Bridgestone paid him to ride something, and he rode it. Good for him. The EPMS on the other hand…

    You’re confusing “transcending” with “getting paid”. Transcending is making something that should look complete crap look rad, like Pantani and the bandana, and possibly PB here with the triple and the EPMS.

    A Pro who looks shit wearing their sponsors kit is not transcending anything apart from a paycheck. Which is not a knock; I celebrate people getting paid for doing stuff.

    I think we’re more or less on the same page. I was mostly thinking in terms of liability. There are those among us to whom we give a pass* and we turn a blind eye to their transgressions. Obviously you count PB among that group, and I might too. That is, if I wasn’t too embarrassed to say I should have known him but never got the chance. I stood outside the window of Jitensha a few times, but never went in. Let alone hung out… Cal Cycling was sponsored by an LBS and I felt it was a matter of loyalty. So I stood and gawked instead. Admiring from a distance, hoping I wouldn’t be spotted in my flagrant violation of what I assumed were unwritten rules of a turf war that existed only in my own mind. But damn that shop was sweet. Their reverence for the V glowed like a lantern, and its essence just oozed out onto the street. It was intoxicating.

    *viz., Wiggo wears long socks and we equivocate and demur; COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long… he’s a total douche!’




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  4. @geoffrey

    Remind him: before he reaches the age of 11, spend time on reading Rules #34 and #37. Abbiamo bisogno di qualcuno che può tradurre Le Regole




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  5. @litvi

    *viz., Wiggo wears long socks and we equivocate and demur; COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long… he’s a total douche!’

    Just going to correct this:

    Wiggo wears long socks and we equivocate and demur say he shouldn’t.

    COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long AND he’s a total douche hateful cuntbag!’




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  6. @RobSandy

    @litvi

    *viz., Wiggo wears long socks and we equivocate and demur; COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long… he’s a total douche!’

    Just going to correct this:

    Wiggo wears long socks and we equivocate and demur say he shouldn’t.

    COTHO wears socks half that high and we say ‘of course his socks are tooooooooooooo long AND he’s a total douche hateful cuntbag!’

    Just got around to watching The Armstrong Lie on dvd. A lot in there for sure. One thing stands out. LA is assuredly a sociopath. You can just imagine him in a non-bike situation being charming, witty, fun and good company – so long as you’re not a threat. Bring the bike into the mix and add some rivalry and all bets are off. He’ll happily kill you.




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  7. This.




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  8. @chuckp

    Decaf for Merckx? OK, it’s all about getting paid for by the sponsor, like Pineapple Bob for sporting an EPMS. Or is Merckx “transcending”, as Frank points out, making something which is crap taste good with Belgian toothpaste?




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  9. @chuckp

    This.

    The fact that it’s decaf might explain the rather tired look on the Prophet’s face. As always, the Prophet is superbly dressed. Did you see how some of the riders showed up at the Tour presentation? Sure, be hip and Euro but Gesink wore jeans FFS. Pinot, on the other hand wore a bow tie. Chapeau.




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  10. MX Leader [ Columbus MXL ] frame is needing a new look and attention to detail inside and out _ so arranging to get with Velocolour’s Noah Rosen for an almighty black transformation _ small white design elements _ new life




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  11. then there will be my own transformation while the frame is away




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  12. @wiscot

    I did not see the presentation of the riders but I agree that jeans is nogo. However a suit does not suit either: We want guns without sneakers. Similarly soccer players in suits and ties, nahhh.

    Reminds me of a story by Krabbe about seeing a cyclist in normal suit on a commuter.




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  13. Someone with better photoshop skills should have combined the two threads already……




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  14. TGIF! Today I’m thankful I can ride my #1 to work and lean it against the wall by my desk all day long. We’re both waiting for Saturday.

    I enjoy dressing nicely, but damn, I can’t wear a full suit very often. If I’m in more than one shirt sleeve shirt when indoors, I’m a fucking furnace. At 172 cms, I blame the lack of surface area.

    MangoDave – nice! They had Pineapple Bob, we have MangoDave. Pretty cool.




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  15. @frank


    I would counter only with that a belt should only ever be an accent, not a necessity, even on a perfectly tailored suit. Belt loops are not evil, they are a choice. They are also a crutch for those who have no taste, to @Ron’s point.

    Hmm, interestingly enough I really love belts and have a whole bunch, and yes, I consider them a nice touch to complete a sharp outfit. Also…my two biggest fears are having my Achilles bashed by an old lady blindly pushing her shopping cart around the store and…missing a belt loop. Nothing worse! It’s like a badge of not really caring.




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  16. I’m sure this topic has been covered in some detail in the past, but would a tightly-wound, tastefully discrete tool-roll, carefully coordinated and complementing the overall bike aesthetic, be considered an EPMS?

    More room for mid-ride refreshments, bananas et al in the jersey pockets. Perhaps a sleeker look?

    All ridiculing thoughts and criticism welcome.




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  17. @David

    I’m sure this topic has been covered in some detail in the past, but would a tightly-wound, tastefully discrete tool-roll, carefully coordinated and complementing the overall bike aesthetic, be considered an EPMS?

    More room for mid-ride refreshments, bananas et al in the jersey pockets. Perhaps a sleeker look?

    All ridiculing thoughts and criticism welcome.

    Gianni tried……….see this

    http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/rule-29-when-is-an-epms-not-an-epms/




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  18. @universo

    MX Leader [ Columbus MXL ] frame is needing a new look and attention to detail inside and out _ so arranging to get with Velocolour’s Noah Rosen for an almighty black transformation _ small white design elements _ new life

    WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR BIKE LAYING ON THE GROUND???

    Pardon me. Just a bit taken aback by this photo.




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  19. @David

    I’m sure this topic has been covered in some detail in the past, but would a tightly-wound, tastefully discrete tool-roll, carefully coordinated and complementing the overall bike aesthetic, be considered an EPMS?

    More room for mid-ride refreshments, bananas et al in the jersey pockets. Perhaps a sleeker look?

    All ridiculing thoughts and criticism welcome.

    I have one of those, and it fits very nicely inside my jersey pocket; although a bit bulkier that it’s predecessor (the Lezyne Caddy Sack) that was thieved from me at a charity ride.

    While the strap it comes with is inexplicably designed to strap the tool roll beneath the saddle like a tubular tire, it is not a tubular tire and therefore has no business beneath my saddle.




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  20. @Gianni

    @MangoDave

    Back in the day, I told my riding buddies I wished I could be like Pineapple Bob. They rode Bridgestones (I didn’t), so they deemed me unworthy of PB and started calling me Mango as a joke.

    That is funny you are a descendant of Pineapple Bob. Respect.

    He was one of the first non-euro racers who was put up as a cool cyclist. And he was a mystery as he never showed up anywhere but in Bridgestone ads.

    Respect? Thanks, though not really earned. Mrs. Mango just thinks I’m an idiot. And she probably doesn’t appreciate me calling her Mrs. Mango.




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  21. @frank

    @MangoDave

    Back in the day, I told my riding buddies I wished I could be like Pineapple Bob. They rode Bridgestones (I didn’t), so they deemed me unworthy of PB and started calling me Mango as a joke.

    That photo is from the ’91 Bridgestone catalog. I had a major crush on the girl in that catalog. Bridgestones ruled. I still have one.

    You must mean Pineapple Karen. She rocked. Probably still does.

    Here’s a few throwback photos I dug up…

    1) The Bridgestone boys… MB-Zip on the left. He tried to sell it to me but I stupidly declined, I was looking out for a Bontrager Race Lite.

    2) MB-3 in flight. Bridgestone was such a cool company. This frame was sent back under warranty, they replaced it with the MB-Zip. A whole ‘nother story is that I crashed on this same jump a few minutes later. Short version – don’t drill out your components to shave weight.

    3) The other MB-3 rider, originator of my “Mango” nickname.




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  22. @Teocalli

    Someone with better photoshop skills should have combined the two threads already……

    Really it should be a pile of The Rules that he’s sitting next to.




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  23. @David

    I’m sure this topic has been covered in some detail in the past, but would a tightly-wound, tastefully discrete tool-roll, carefully coordinated and complementing the overall bike aesthetic, be considered an EPMS?

    More room for mid-ride refreshments, bananas et al in the jersey pockets. Perhaps a sleeker look?

    All ridiculing thoughts and criticism welcome.

    That is an EPMS with lipstick. Still and EPMS.

    @DeKerr

    @universo

    MX Leader [ Columbus MXL ] frame is needing a new look and attention to detail inside and out _ so arranging to get with Velocolour’s Noah Rosen for an almighty black transformation _ small white design elements _ new life

    WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR BIKE LAYING ON THE GROUND???

    Pardon me. Just a bit taken aback by this photo.

    Oh, I see the problem. It’s in the little ring.




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  24. @MangoDave

    There is SO MUCH RAD in that set of photos. My brother @spankles had an MB-2. I rode it and was blown away by how it rode. I was on a Schwinn Sierra which I loved but handled like a boat and weighed like a tank due it’s sand-filled tubes.




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  25. @MangoDave

    Super cool!




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  26. @frank and others

    Thanks for the unambiguous clarity on the EPMS. I have backed away from the ledge.




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  27. @Oli

    @Oli

    @RedRanger

    Yep, even Indurain did at times in the Giro and Vuelta. I’m not saying it’s right, though …

    Hello? Can anyone hear me?

    Dude, I hear you!

    I’ve seen photos of it but I’ll be fucked if I can find any of them…there is also a shot of whoever won the ITT up the Plan de Corones a few years back who rode one. Can’t find that either.




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  28. @David

    @frank and others

    Thanks for the unambiguous clarity on the EPMS. I have backed away from the ledge.

    Heheee, yeah, I tried it and didn’t get away with it. Walk away, just walk away…




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  29. @DeKerr

    @universo

    MX Leader [ Columbus MXL ] frame is needing a new look and attention to detail inside and out _ so arranging to get with Velocolour’s Noah Rosen for an almighty black transformation _ small white design elements _ new life

    WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR BIKE LAYING ON THE GROUND???

    Pardon me. Just a bit taken aback by this photo.

    THE BIKE WAS TIRED [ during 200mi effort last October ] _ actually this is a proper way to lay your bike down _ rather than have pictures of me during that effort, I took pictures of no.1




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  30. Pineapple Bob had the coolest helmet in episode VI

    Like a full neck brace




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  31. @DeKerr

    Avete un problema ?




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  32. @frank

    Yes, this is also the day riding an 11-20 with 42/52




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  33. @universo

    @DeKerr

    Avete un problema ?

    I might as well have used this as the cover shot. So incredibly cool.




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  34. @universo

    I can’t believe you didn’t step into the Star Wars conversation sooner. And your bike is perfect, I don’t know why you’re talking crazy about having it repainted.




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  35. @frank

    i’ve always joked that even though it is “original paintwork EDDY MERCKX” on this custom black anniversary issue, that some new employee was given the task of painting it as a rush order_ never liked the shark skin design around the bb _ there are signs showing on the chain stays and other minor areas _ and [ big emotional swallow ] i allowed physics to ding the underside of the top tube while handling (mishandling) near a corner of my solid steel desk _ Noah Rosen will also repair the chain hanger that was removed by some unknown barbarian




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  36. @universo

    Noah Rosen is a fucking genius/artist and all around wonderful guy. I went out to his shop a couple of months ago to buy one of his jerseys and got to snoop around the shop to see some of the works in progress. Follow him on Instagram for a regular dose of his work. If you’re going to use Noah though, you kind of have to come up with something unique and special to do to your bike.




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  37. This is the frame he was working on when I was there…

    This came to him as salvage. He polished and re-chromed it. The whole bike is polished chrome and then he applied a number of tinted candy coats to give it this look. Pure genius.




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  38. Sadly a poor quality scan, but I reckon my Grandfather ( in the Western Star jersey ) has got a bit of cool going on as well.




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  39. @Barracuda

    That’s very cool.




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  40. @Oli

    @Barracuda

    That’s very cool.

    From my experience, Western Star, is either a truck brand or a butter brand. Not sure which one this is ?




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  41. Here’s some of my cycling heritage. This was taken in the 1890s and the monkey sitting on the handlebars is my great-great-great(?)-uncle Bob Murie.

    And here’s his bike shop in 1904.




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  42. @kixsand

    @universo

    Noah Rosen is a fucking genius/artist and all around wonderful guy. If you’re going to use Noah though, you kind of have to come up with something unique and special to do to your bike.

    we are already talking about translucent black over chrome _ still working things out to be a different sort of original




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  43. @Oli

    Whats the back story with the monkey suits ? Interesting ” refreshments” must have been served at Murie Cycles back in the day .




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  44. @David

    I’m sure this topic has been covered in some detail in the past, but would a tightly-wound, tastefully discrete tool-roll, carefully coordinated and complementing the overall bike aesthetic, be considered an EPMS?

    More room for mid-ride refreshments, bananas et al in the jersey pockets. Perhaps a sleeker look?

    All ridiculing thoughts and criticism welcome.

    David,

    I do not condone any sort of EPMS. I however, have used the space between my seat rails combined with a spare bit of MTB inner tube backed with velcro to secure my spare tube back there. It is subtle an unobtrusive, means I don’t have to carry the tube in my pocket (or risk forgetting it) and IS NOT AN EPMS.




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  45. @Barracuda

    They toured with various circuses and performed at track carnivals, which in those days were huge events here. The monkey suits were just a gimmick, I believe.

    Bob was a real character; as well as being a trick cyclist he was a champion on the track and road circuits, he was an accomplished hot-air balloonist (even using his balloons to advertise his bike shop!), he owned one of the first private motorcars in NZ, he owned and flew one of the very first privately owned aeroplanes here, and he was a big game hunter in the days when that was regarded as a brave and adventurous thing.

    I wish I knew more about him, but sadly there’s not many of the family left to ask, and the records are scant.




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  46. @kixsand

    I sincerely doubt I could ever polish the guns enough to be worthy of throwing them over a frame that beautiful. That is just absolutely stunning.

    @Barracuda & @Oli

    Strong lineage. The monkey suit seems somewhat appropriate for @Oli, cheeky monkey that he is.




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  47. @DeKerr

    Heh heh heh!




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  48. @universo

    Pineapple Bob had the coolest helmet in episode VI

    Like a full neck brace

    Nice rose tinted shades too, great for this time of year!




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  49. “Courage is knowing what suffering lies down the road and setting forth nevertheless, but Courage is also a clueless twat about how humbling it is to helplessly watch the group ride away from you on hill after hill, a sensation I’m not entirely accustomed to. Each time, I could barely manage bridging back up just in time for the next hill so I could slip uselessly away again like a teflon-coated stone.”

    I relate to this a lot. I’ve always been scared but then I just dive in an surrender myself to the hills. Sometimes it feels like I won’t come back alive. But then someone drops back and paces me up the hill. You just lose yourself. There’s a comfort in that moment. Surrendering yourself.




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  50. @Gianni

    @litvi

    @Gianni

    @RedRanger

    I didn’t realize that pro’s ever used triple!

    I don’t think PB was a pro. I think he was more a bike model for Bridgestone. This lead photo might have been a catalog shot.

    I don’t think pros could get away with a triple. Even a compact would be a stretch for the rudest stage.

    Just like pros transcend some rules because of sponsorships, you can’t really fault PB for the triple here. Bridgestone paid him to ride something, and he rode it. Good for him. The EPMS on the other hand…

    Believe me. I don’t fault him for anything. If I hadn’t grown up on a relatively flat part of the USA I might have had a damn triple. PB had some je ne sais quoi style in his look. As far as I know Bridgestone was not selling kit, just bikes, so PB probably got to put his kit together his own bad self. Chapeau.

    Didn’t @cyclops know him from his Bridgestone days? Where is @Cy? Tenn? Ky?

    Yes, and Kentucky




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