The boys discussing #43.

The boys discussing #43.

Rule #43

by / / 83 posts

I wonder if Rule #43 should be sublimated on our bibs too. It might be my most favorite Rule. Don’t be a jackass. But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.

As a Keeper on the Velominati site, it irritates me that the Velominati are known mostly for The Rules. While we didn’t invent them nor were we the first to list them, our proselytizing has made us synonymous with The Rules. I would hate for us to be known as the exclusive Cyclists rather than the funny Cyclists.

Frank started this site to write about and discuss the beauty of cycling; The Rules were never part of the plan. If someone wants to start something Rules-wise with me, they better hand me the list because I don’t know them. I might possibly have been a more religious person if it all weren’t so deadly serious. And yes, my inability to take things seriously has been brought up too often, usually at annual performance reviews. But I grew up with the daily option of nuclear annihilation hanging over my head. Us kids all started to talk like French philosophers, at eight years old, smoking cigarettes and asking, mon dieu, what iz ze point of life, eh? Our local cub scout pack just fell apart after a few months… really, earning patches to sew on our uniforms? It made no sense to us young nihilists. Zere is no patch for digging an impromptu bomb shelter? Ahh, fuck it, let’s go out into the woods and smoke more cigarettes.

While I occasionally worry about The Rules smothering all other things Velominati, that worry is always quickly buried by the funny back and forth on the site. While some cycling sites are heavily moderated or troll filled, Velominati seems to thrive on the uncensored winding up. We realize arguing about riding one’s bike could make us all seem like jackasses, but at least we are funny jackasses. Long live Rule #43.

And to prove my point, if I had one… this.

// Musings from the V-Bunker // The Rules

  1. @Neil

    “I first became aware of it Mandrake during the physical act of love…”

    Tremendous.

    This movie has so many funny lines in it and that is one of them. Mandrake/Peter Sellers absorbing that madman’s story, it’s pure genius. I have probably put too many links to Dr Strangelove on this site but Frank loves the movie too so I’m safe.

  2. @ErikdR

    Fine piece of musing there, Gianni. Personally, as I get older, I find myself striving (and occasionally succeeding) to take things LESS seriously. If, as you say, your inability to take things seriously is brought up a bit too often, you’re doing it right. Feel free to inform your antagonists that a tall, opinionated, Dutch cyclist said so… (They may get it wrong after all, and think you’re referring to Frank)

    The jury is still out on my ‘taking things less seriously’ has been a good idea. It’s no way to build a career unless one is a comedian, which I’m not. And yes, I’ll tell people my tall opinionated Dutch cycling friends back me up on this. That should end most discussions.

  3. @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    That keeps things simple! Nice way to go about things.

  4. @wiscot

    More old school rules right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgMYKNoCXFs

    And remember kids: “Riding without holding the handlebars is about as clever as giving a balloon to a hedgehog”

    Hell, that was awesome!

    As for Gianni’s ramblings … Spot on. Too often if someone sees me in the V kit and they are cyclists, they go off on how the site is so stupid and Nazi, etc. All they know are “The Rules” and they hate them and the idea of them.

    Of course, less than 1% have actually hung around the site, checked out a few articles and realized that at its heart, it is all about reverence for the bike and the history of this glorious sport.

    No I am not a complete heretic, I am not going all Martin Luther in the 16th century, but it does seem like a good idea to somehow propagate the true mission of the site; the love of the bike and other Velominatus, and get pass the Rules-centric thoughts.

    So go forth and spread the V, not The Rules, eh?

  5. @Gianni

    @Neil

    “I first became aware of it Mandrake during the physical act of love…”

    Tremendous.

    This movie has so many funny lines in it and that is one of them. Mandrake/Peter Sellers absorbing that madman’s story, it’s pure genius. I have probably put too many links to Dr Strangelove on this site but Frank loves the movie too so I’m safe.

    Yes! This movie is pure-fuckin-genius. I own it and I have been debating how old the velominippers have to be before I can show it to them and have them appreciate it. content be damned, not worried about that, I just do not want to show it to them and have them go, “Ah, that was boring,weird shit” and not GET the movie. Brilliant stuff!

  6. @Ron

    @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    That keeps things simple! Nice way to go about things.

    I think your #2 point should be sent to Maria Sharapova! It’s one thing getting busted, but when the governing body give your repeated notices 4 months before something goes on the banned list and you and your entourage all fail to pay attention, then you get what you deserve. Maybe she thought she was too big to fail, too pretty to dump. Must be a lot of tennis players scanning that list right now.

  7. @Buck Rogers

    @wiscot

    More old school rules right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgMYKNoCXFs

    And remember kids: “Riding without holding the handlebars is about as clever as giving a balloon to a hedgehog”

    Hell, that was awesome!

    As for Gianni’s ramblings … Spot on. Too often if someone sees me in the V kit and they are cyclists, they go off on how the site is so stupid and Nazi, etc. All they know are “The Rules” and they hate them and the idea of them.

    Of course, less than 1% have actually hung around the site, checked out a few articles and realized that at its heart, it is all about reverence for the bike and the history of this glorious sport.

    No I am not a complete heretic, I am not going all Martin Luther in the 16th century, but it does seem like a good idea to somehow propagate the true mission of the site; the love of the bike and other Velominatus, and get pass the Rules-centric thoughts.

    So go forth and spread the V, not The Rules, eh?

    Hear hear! You’re right, the uninitiated hear “Velominati” and think Rule Nazis. You’d think you had to take some kind of oath to be allowed to register or something.

    Without rules you have chaos and anarchy. That applies to all aspects of life and not just the bike. I think it’s quite simple: the rules just help you become a better cyclist and, by extension, a better person.

  8. @wiscot

    @Buck Rogers

    @wiscot

    More old school rules right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgMYKNoCXFs

    And remember kids: “Riding without holding the handlebars is about as clever as giving a balloon to a hedgehog”

    Hell, that was awesome!

    As for Gianni’s ramblings … Spot on. Too often if someone sees me in the V kit and they are cyclists, they go off on how the site is so stupid and Nazi, etc. All they know are “The Rules” and they hate them and the idea of them.

    Of course, less than 1% have actually hung around the site, checked out a few articles and realized that at its heart, it is all about reverence for the bike and the history of this glorious sport.

    No I am not a complete heretic, I am not going all Martin Luther in the 16th century, but it does seem like a good idea to somehow propagate the true mission of the site; the love of the bike and other Velominatus, and get pass the Rules-centric thoughts.

    So go forth and spread the V, not The Rules, eh?

    Hear hear! You’re right, the uninitiated hear “Velominati” and think Rule Nazis. You’d think you had to take some kind of oath to be allowed to register or something.

    Without rules you have chaos and anarchy. That applies to all aspects of life and not just the bike. I think it’s quite simple: the rules just help you become a better cyclist and, by extension, a better person.

    without the Bible…

  9. @wiscot

    @Ron

    @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    That keeps things simple! Nice way to go about things.

    I think your #2 point should be sent to Maria Sharapova! It’s one thing getting busted, but when the governing body give your repeated notices 4 months before something goes on the banned list and you and your entourage all fail to pay attention, then you get what you deserve. Maybe she thought she was too big to fail, too pretty to dump. Must be a lot of tennis players scanning that list right now.

    Hey, c’mon…a drug given to soldiers in Afghanistan to help with fight/walking at elevation…what good would that do someone sprinting around a tennis court?

    And, the walking HGH borg Serena has come to her defense, even pointing out her courage in admitting it!

    Maybe we can get tennis to replace cycling as the dirtiest sport in the mind of the public?

  10. @Ron

    @wiscot

    @Ron

    @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    That keeps things simple! Nice way to go about things.

    I think your #2 point should be sent to Maria Sharapova! It’s one thing getting busted, but when the governing body give your repeated notices 4 months before something goes on the banned list and you and your entourage all fail to pay attention, then you get what you deserve. Maybe she thought she was too big to fail, too pretty to dump. Must be a lot of tennis players scanning that list right now.

    Hey, c’mon…a drug given to soldiers in Afghanistan to help with fight/walking at elevation…what good would that do someone sprinting around a tennis court?

    And, the walking HGH borg Serena has come to her defense, even pointing out her courage in admitting it!

    Maybe we can get tennis to replace cycling as the dirtiest sport in the mind of the public?

    I’ve give the grunting Russian one brownie point for not denying it. Part of her defense is that she didn’t open the attachment with the new list of banned drugs. As someone said, when you have someone like Sharapova who makes so much money and had trainers, managers, agents etc on her payroll and doing nicely, don’t you think someone might pay attention to make sure the gravy train was legal? Incompetence, arrogance, stupidity, take your pick. Her career is over I think but she’s set for life.

    Apparently there were a few tennis players implicated in Operation Puerto, but that all got hushed up. Cycling has a bad rap because it actually tests. Football, baseball, basketball, soccer, tennis and on and on. If they tested the athletes from these sports as often and as extensively as cyclists, there would be hell to pay and they’d be bringing in ringers from the lower leagues to fill the spots left vacant by people serving bans. .

  11. I too have read of riders criticising others with the Rules. I know most of my bunch have read them at some time or another, and most know them, but like fight club, no one talks about them, but everyone complies implicitly. Because it is the natural order of things, not because they want to follow the rules.

    I think of it this way though, if I’m walking down the street in my regular clothes, and someone I have never met comes up to me and chastises me for breaking some kind of rule I have never heard of. Fuck them, they are a total jackass. Save it for your mates I reckon.

    I just use them to hurl abuse about his sock height being an insult to my buddy as he passes me on a hill, don’t even mention a rule number, because who cares about a rule number, except V.

    Its for a laugh after all, innit.

  12. @wiscot

    At least we will be able to watch the tennis without turning the sound down.

  13. @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

  14. @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    ‘Smokin’ a fag’ even less so. Two nations divided by a common language…

  15. @Neil

    @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    ‘Smokin’ a fag’ even less so. Two nations divided by a common language…

    and of course there is bumming a fag………

  16. Have you ever read Calvin and Hobbes?? Their game, ‘Calvinball’ is all about making weird rules on the spot and they have FUN doing it! What does that mean for us? just enjoy doing what you love and embrace the V your own way (without getting caught, of course)

  17. @Stephen

    But really, the only person who gives a sh*te about the rules is an aging, Vietnam vet tasked with caring for his ex-wife’s dog.

    Please explain. Is this a literary reference I should know and don’t because I’m an illiterate Rouler reading cycling droogy?

  18. @Ron

    @wiscot

    @Ron

    @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    That keeps things simple! Nice way to go about things.

    I think your #2 point should be sent to Maria Sharapova! It’s one thing getting busted, but when the governing body give your repeated notices 4 months before something goes on the banned list and you and your entourage all fail to pay attention, then you get what you deserve. Maybe she thought she was too big to fail, too pretty to dump. Must be a lot of tennis players scanning that list right now.

    Hey, c’mon…a drug given to soldiers in Afghanistan to help with fight/walking at elevation…what good would that do someone sprinting around a tennis court?

    And, the walking HGH borg Serena has come to her defense, even pointing out her courage in admitting it!

    Easy laddie. Serena an HGH borg? My Serena? She likes the gym, FFS!

    Maybe we can get tennis to replace cycling as the dirtiest sport in the mind of the public?

  19. @Neil

    @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    ‘Smokin’ a fag’ even less so. Two nations divided by a common language…

    heheheee. +1 badge right there!

  20. @Teocalli

    and of course there is bumming a fag………

    OK, you get a badge too.

  21. Am I going to hell for laughing so much at this?

  22. @Gianni

    No, not exactly. It is a reference to the character Walter, played by John Goodman in The Big Lebowski, from which the whole Dudeism thing originates.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGiZVqrNnsg

  23. @Gianni

    @Stephen

    But really, the only person who gives a sh*te about the rules is an aging, Vietnam vet tasked with caring for his ex-wife’s dog.

    Please explain. Is this a literary reference I should know and don’t because I’m an illiterate Rouler reading cycling droogy?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-z0Pm7tccvc

    Oh Gianni, and here I actually used to have a bit of respect for you. Time for another (or perhaps your first???) viewing of a movie every bit as awesome as Dr Strangelove.

  24. @Stephen

    Ha! Within seconds of each other!

  25. @Gianni

    @Ron

    @wiscot

    @Ron

    @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    That keeps things simple! Nice way to go about things.

    I think your #2 point should be sent to Maria Sharapova! It’s one thing getting busted, but when the governing body give your repeated notices 4 months before something goes on the banned list and you and your entourage all fail to pay attention, then you get what you deserve. Maybe she thought she was too big to fail, too pretty to dump. Must be a lot of tennis players scanning that list right now.

    Hey, c’mon…a drug given to soldiers in Afghanistan to help with fight/walking at elevation…what good would that do someone sprinting around a tennis court?

    And, the walking HGH borg Serena has come to her defense, even pointing out her courage in admitting it!

    Easy laddie. Serena an HGH borg? My Serena? She likes the gym, FFS!

    Maybe we can get tennis to replace cycling as the dirtiest sport in the mind of the public?

    “My Serena?” My Sharona! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78hagv86L3c

  26. @Stephen

    @Stephen

    @Gianni

    No, not exactly. It is a reference to the character Walter, played by John Goodman in The Big Lebowski, from which the whole Dudeism thing originates.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGiZVqrNnsg

    “You brought the fuckin’ Pomeranian bowling?”

  27. @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    Having had my wrists slapped for calling you a lanky poof, I would only use that in the context of smoking. (The American dictionary would seem to be a bit light on the various uses of the word. Also see below)

    Perhaps I should have phrased it as “requiring us to all head off into the woods for a sly smoko” as that should cover most peoples tastes.

    @Teocalli

    @Neil

    @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    ‘Smokin’ a fag’ even less so. Two nations divided by a common language…

    and of course there is bumming a fag………

    Having been to a British boarding school, I’d like to categorically state that I have never bummed a fag.

  28. @Sebastian Bustos

    Calvinball inspired us to evolve the game by playing it on bikes. The local LBS loved the trade that resulted from it.

  29. If you ride with a group of V cultured mates, then Rule #43 is always applied. We consider jackassery a display of our fondness for each other. If you ride with us and someone does not break your balls, then you are likely relegated as too fragile of a man or you deserve chivalry because you are a woman. If you are a man and have close friends, Rule #43 is part of your genetic being. Every man knows that right? If you do not agree there is a high probability you have no true friends.

  30. @Ron

    Anyway, I like the Rules and I have a whole set of rules I follow on my own, because I have standards and give a shit. From using phones at inappropriate times to wearing your pajamas to the grocery store, most Americans need MORE rules.

    Brown shirts only at the grocery store? Run for office @Ron, you’ve got a winning platform there. Or standards, or shit, or something…

  31. @Buck Rogers

    Purity of Essence.

    Seems like a fitting concept in discussing The Rules.

  32. @Apex Nadir

    Haha! I was thinking along the same Godwin’s lines…

  33. @chris

    Ditto. Even in English English that one is ambiguous – and both counts were against the rules. Though I was guilty on the “cadge a cig” count but obeyed my Rule #1 and did not get caught.

  34. @chris

    @Teocalli

    @Neil

    @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    ‘Smokin’ a fag’ even less so. Two nations divided by a common language…

    and of course there is bumming a fag………

    Having been to a British boarding school, I’d like to categorically state that I have never bummed a fag.

    So were you fagged in school or did you have someone younger fag for you? Did you encounter any particularly harsh fagging?

  35. @Neil

    In my case it had been abolished where I went by the time I went through the system. Given @chris is a wee bit younger then if he did experience it he clearly went to one of the very posh ones that still practiced it!

  36. @Neil, @Teocalli

    Formally the system had been abolished but that didn’t mean it had stopped. It was a good school but it wasn’t particularly posh. Scottish farmers and expat kids rather than royalty, the political elite and middle eastern princes.

    In third form I was a fag and then when I was a prefect I had a fag.

    I didn’t get any particularly harsh treatment as a fag although that may have been down to the fact that I was large for my age and good enough at sport that I was already beginning to enjoy a certain level of protection the school’s sporting elite (sporting prowess trumped all else). I’d had harsher treatment during my first two years in the junior house from kids my own age or the year above.

    By the time I’d become a prefect, the system was was dying out and apart from ritually buggering my fag with a poker if my toast wasn’t just so, I don’t think I was anymore of a shit to him than I was to anyone else in the prep room.

  37. There used to be a shop on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road called “Fags and Mags.” Newsagents apparently.

  38. @wiscot

    There used to be a shop on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road called “Fags and Mags.” Newsagents apparently.

    Glasgow! I have been trying to call there the last few days working on getting a wheelset built by Big Al! Bloody cell phone is giving me fits. Anyways, I spoke with Big Al yesterday and he is AWESOME. By far the best phone conversation I have had in ages. Very excited to have him put a set of wheels together for me. (As for why have them built in Scotland???–I will not have enough money to get them built until this late fall and I am moving to Europe this July so I went with a UK builder. I am planning on visiting @the engine in Glasgow this fall anyways so it will all go together like peas and carrots–although I fuckin hate carrots!)

  39. @Buck Rogers

    @wiscot

    There used to be a shop on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road called “Fags and Mags.” Newsagents apparently.

    Glasgow! I have been trying to call there the last few days working on getting a wheelset built by Big Al! Bloody cell phone is giving me fits. Anyways, I spoke with Big Al yesterday and he is AWESOME. By far the best phone conversation I have had in ages. Very excited to have him put a set of wheels together for me. (As for why have them built in Scotland???–I will not have enough money to get them built until this late fall and I am moving to Europe this July so I went with a UK builder. I am planning on visiting @the engine in Glasgow this fall anyways so it will all go together like peas and carrots–although I fuckin hate carrots!)

    Hey, I’m likely taking a trip to Scotland this July/August. I think we should get together in Glasgow for some pre-ride recovery ales. I know a few good places and no doubt the Engine does too. Let’s keep in touch.

  40. @wiscot

    @Buck Rogers

    @wiscot

    There used to be a shop on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road called “Fags and Mags.” Newsagents apparently.

    Glasgow! I have been trying to call there the last few days working on getting a wheelset built by Big Al! Bloody cell phone is giving me fits. Anyways, I spoke with Big Al yesterday and he is AWESOME. By far the best phone conversation I have had in ages. Very excited to have him put a set of wheels together for me. (As for why have them built in Scotland???–I will not have enough money to get them built until this late fall and I am moving to Europe this July so I went with a UK builder. I am planning on visiting @the engine in Glasgow this fall anyways so it will all go together like peas and carrots–although I fuckin hate carrots!)

    Hey, I’m likely taking a trip to Scotland this July/August. I think we should get together in Glasgow for some pre-ride recovery ales. I know a few good places and no doubt the Engine does too. Let’s keep in touch.

    Sounds good but we’ll not be there until OCT/NOV timeframe! We do not even land in Germany until late July!

  41. @Apex Nadir

    Brown shirts only at the grocery store? Run for office @Ron, you’ve got a winning platform there. Or standards, or shit, or something…

    Uhhh, not sure what you are talking, I simply prefer to not see someone’s ass hanging out of their Sponge Bob pajama bottoms at the grocery.

    My political platform is simple: I’d ban cell phones while driving at the Federal level & I’d enforce traffic laws like speed limits, lights on when raining, and using indicators when leaving parking spots, turning, and changing lanes.

  42. @Buck Rogers

    ….. in Glasgow this fall anyways so it will all go together like peas and carrots–although I fuckin hate carrots!)

    Up there more likely like Chips and Gravy if not Mars Bar and a Deep Fat Fryer.

  43. Jackasses, funny or not, tend to shape the rules as they see fit and serve as a good example for the rest of us not to take our “cycling” lives, including rules, too seriously.

    VLV

  44. @Stephen

    @Gianni

    No, not exactly. It is a reference to the character Walter, played by John Goodman in The Big Lebowski, from which the whole Dudeism thing originates.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGiZVqrNnsg

    This is an awesome clip. Does anyone care about the rules? I do, to a point. I won’t obey a rule that I deem silly.

  45. Rules I, V, and X are important, perhaps, but in the big picture isn’t it more important to simply enjoy riding your bike?

  46. @Owen

    Third time’s the charm.

    Beautiful. Proof that it is the way to greatness:

  47. But I thought there would be statistics to go with the Rules?

    Elitist Jerks

    Or is it the wrong game?

  48. @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    As a corollary, from the cut throat competition found in officer’s candidate school; “Admit nothing, deny everything, make counter accusations.” Words to live by.

  49. @wiscot

    “My Serena?” My Sharona! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78hagv86L3c

    Serena and Venus? Really. Oh yeah.

    As I proposed to a co-worker (Big fan of Amurican football) the other day, in defense of doping controls in cycling, “Do you really think those guys get that big (or cut) by working out in the gym every day, eating steak for breakfast, and drinking a sports shake?”

  50. @Haldy

    enjoying reading this. doublegod

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