Categories: Accessories and GearLook ProRantings from the V-Bunker

The Pain of Adolescence

Casually Deliberate embodied to the bones.

There are three subjects you should not bring up in new company: Politics, Saddle Bags, and Helmets. In my experience, in fact, politics are a much safer subject with a stranger than that of the cursed EPMS; no subject I’ve ever broached has been met with more vitriol. Except maybe the use of helmets. I’m not going to advocate for helmets today, apart from stating that I wear one religiously. On the contrary, today’s lesson is about how bad helmets look.

They are monumentally awkward contraptions whose design heritage stems, apparently, from prototype simian Astronaut technology. Starting with the flowing locks of a champions paving a road in pure V, every head accessory looks slightly less awesome. From there, the cycling cap is the most stylish option, and barring that, the hairnet (ideally over a cycling cap.) Case closed, end of discussion.

The maturation from this ideal has been painful, complete with puberty and oozy zits. A friend of mine in highschool had such a horrible pubescent experience that he spent an alarming number of days with band-aides on his face. Cycling’s helmet evolution was worse. Observe.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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chuckp says:

Oct 15 2015 at 7:13 am

@wiscot

Pantani looks uncomfortable in the lead pic. He’s just realized that a bandana is not enough to counteract the faux denim gear he’s wearing. And he know that Mr. Bugno is rockin the goatee he covets so much.

Uncomfortable or disdain?

I know it's blasphemous, but I've always been a fan of the Carrera faux denim shorts (not so much the tights). And Brikos!!!
wiscot says:

Oct 15 2015 at 7:19 am

@chuckp

@wiscot

Pantani looks uncomfortable in the lead pic. He’s just realized that a bandana is not enough to counteract the faux denim gear he’s wearing. And he know that Mr. Bugno is rockin the goatee he covets so much.

Uncomfortable or disdain?

I know it’s blasphemous, but I’ve always been a fan of the Carrera faux denim shorts (not so much the tights). And Brikos!!!

Definite uncomfortable I think. His nose is almost wrinkled with the odor coming from Gianni "I don't give a fuck" Bugno's chamois.
Ron says:

Oct 15 2015 at 7:59 am

I'll buy the replica Carrera bibs when I can justify spending that much on some ugly bibs. Until then, I wait. Considering I don't own any denim and haven't worn any in around twenty-one years, would love to own some denim Lycra.

I'm a big fan of the Garneau Quartz helmets. The originals were better than the 2nd version, but they fit my head well and look as un-terrible as a helmet can. But, different helmets look good on different folks. That said, I'm still waiting for the POC helmets to look good on someone.

For me, there are three things I've NEVER seen anyone look good in: those Polo golf shirt dresses (basically just a long polo shirt), the "retro" Nike gym shorts (both of these items make even shapely gals look shapeless), and POC helmets.
Ron says:

Oct 15 2015 at 8:13 am

Oh, and I try to not even bring up cycling with anyone. Even open-minded folks can pretty quickly get into, "I saw this cyclist do ______ the other day. Do you do that? I don't like it when cyclists do that."

Yeah, I don't like it when guys in huge trucks honk, swerve and throw stuff at me.

Helmets are a hotly debated topic, for sure. I don't think anyone should have to wear one, but I always wear one. In fact, I'm on the lookout for a new commuter helmet. Looking to phase out my last Specialized piece of gear.
Nelson says:

Oct 15 2015 at 8:42 am

@Deakus

Thank you. I thought I was the only one that hated those ridiculous POC helmets -__-

Lazer 02

LAS Squalo

KASK 50

Are my weapons of head security.
wiscot says:

Oct 15 2015 at 9:09 am

@Ron

Oh, and I try to not even bring up cycling with anyone. Even open-minded folks can pretty quickly get into, “I saw this cyclist do ______ the other day. Do you do that? I don’t like it when cyclists do that.”

Yeah, I don’t like it when guys in huge trucks honk, swerve and throw stuff at me.

Helmets are a hotly debated topic, for sure. I don’t think anyone should have to wear one, but I always wear one. In fact, I’m on the lookout for a new commuter helmet. Looking to phase out my last Specialized piece of gear.

Tell me about it. In the space of a half mile last night I got honked at and almost hit. Here's the backstory - I cross a county road two miles from home. I can see a half mile in both directions. There was one car coming a good quarter mile away. I blew the stop sign. Guilty. I got honked at and I'm sure the driver thought "there goes one of those fucking scofflaw bikers."

A half mile later some young missy is pulling out of her driveway talking on her cell phone - holding it in her right hand. It was one of the big cell phones, not the wee ones. She was gaily pulling out and saw me at the last second and slammed on the brakes. FWIW I was wearing a white helmet and white jersey so I was plenty visible. Needless to say she didn't look in my direction as she passed me - still yakking away.

Oh, and if you're looking for denim lycra, I think Wal Mart might be your best option there!
chuckp says:

Oct 15 2015 at 9:36 am

@wiscot

Oh, and if you’re looking for denim lycra, I think Wal Mart might be your best option there!

They can be had here: http://procyclegear.com/carrera-retro-bib-shorts/
wiscot says:

Oct 15 2015 at 9:42 am

@chuckp

@wiscot

Oh, and if you’re looking for denim lycra, I think Wal Mart might be your best option there!

They can be had here: http://procyclegear.com/carrera-retro-bib-shorts/

Thanks for the link! Cool stuff. The Wal Mart denim lycra skews more towards the leeshure end of the spectrum as worn by "people of Wal Mart." In other words, very, very stretchy.
scaler911 says:

Oct 15 2015 at 10:03 am

Very rare is there a lid that doesn't make you (well, me) look like a douche when it's perched on my head. I'll occasionally go out without one, and it's liberating. That being said, I've been OK with how Rudy Project looks on my dome, and you'll not find a POC in my gear collection- I already have a mountaineering helmet.
MangoDave says:

Oct 15 2015 at 10:15 am

Apparently, I have a head the size and shape of a kumquat. Nothing seems to look good, and I'm constantly fighting Chronic Kristoff Syndrome. I'm pretty sure this is what other people see as I ride by...