Categories: Defining MomentsExportLa Vie Velominatus

The Cleansing

This kind of work is more for the body and soul than it is for the road.

After a night of sinning, the body must be cleansed.

-The Prophet, Eddy Merckx

After a week away in Atlanta for business, I feel thick and heavy. These trips away are killers; the shift in time zones means the already-too long work day is extended by a further three hours. I try my best to watch my diet, but in a town like Atlanta where even sushi is deep-fried, it’s virtually impossible. Crap food, crap sleep, and crap hours is no way to keep this fine-tuned engine of mine humming; every day I felt the sharpness leaving my body little by little.

So today, through the application of a sense of desperation combined with a not-insignificant amount of stupidity, I will cleanse the body in a single flash of blinding brilliance. I will start by skipping lunch, which is always a good way to sharpen the senses even if it tends to speed up any prospective visit from the Man with the Hammer. But the purpose of my ride today is to venture as deeply into the Caveau du Pain as quickly as possible; I find this is a good way to jump-start the process.

I will point the bike at the biggest and steepest hills and hit the first of them at full gas. I want the legs deadened as quickly as possible. This ride is meant to cleanse the mind as much as the body and a strong body can be a crutch for a weak mind; if I soften my legs from the start, I will need to rely more heavily on my Will, the total focus and concentration on forcing the legs will serve to flush it further.

As I cast my mind forward to the ride this afternoon, I can see myself on the steepest climb of the day – a 1.5 km leg-breaker with 22% pitches of several hundred meters. I can feel the pressure in my legs, the bursting sensation of my lungs as I claw my way up. I’m not built for this sort of climb; I can get up it fairly well on sheer determination, but it will take its pound of flesh. At the summit, I will feel crippled as the change in rhythm of hitting the false flat over the top is almost as brutal as the climb itself. But soon the lactic acid will flush away and leave me feeling renewed.

Pain is like a sieve for the soul whose purifying effect is directly proportional to the magnitude of the suffering. I will feel clean tonight, I will be renewed. VLVV.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

unversio says:

Aug 22 2014 at 10:25 am

Good.
LoneRider says:

Aug 22 2014 at 10:32 am

Excellent, will try this after my week in Scotland and off the bike! Junk food and alcohol will be the only things on the menu. Roll on next Sunday and the Beasting can begin!
DeKerr says:

Aug 22 2014 at 10:33 am

"Yes, excellent"

- Mr. Burns
Teocalli says:

Aug 22 2014 at 11:24 am

Caveau du Pain. Hmmm. Let me see.

Caveau is the French word given to a small cellar used exclusively to house the finest of wines.

Pain = Bread

So the "legs deadened as quickly as possible" is a figment of the second bottle down in the cellar, the "cast my mind forward...." is a figment of bottle #3. The Bread is just to keep you going and the Man with the Hammer will be there in the morning?

Methinks we've finally sussed you?
Nate says:

Aug 22 2014 at 12:43 pm

@Teocalli

Caveau du Pain. Hmmm. Let me see.

Caveau is the French word given to a small cellar used exclusively to house the finest of wines.

Pain = Bread

So the "legs deadened as quickly as possible" is a figment of the second bottle down in the cellar, the "cast my mind forward...." is a figment of bottle #3. The Bread is just to keep you going and the Man with the Hammer will be there in the morning?

Methinks we've finally sussed you?

Obviously @frank is aging his bread in the caveau until the ergot fungus germinates on it. He eats the moldy bread. Then while he is hallucinating from its effects he pens these deeply philosophical articles.
Owen says:

Aug 22 2014 at 1:21 pm

VMH is out of town with friends this weekend, and I have grand plans to hang out tonight with a good friend of mine who also happens to be the head brewer at a spot in town. What do we think, 15-20K penance in the morning per beer consumed this evening?
Teocalli says:

Aug 22 2014 at 1:28 pm

@Nate

@Teocalli

Caveau du Pain. Hmmm. Let me see.

Caveau is the French word given to a small cellar used exclusively to house the finest of wines.

Pain = Bread

So the "legs deadened as quickly as possible" is a figment of the second bottle down in the cellar, the "cast my mind forward...." is a figment of bottle #3. The Bread is just to keep you going and the Man with the Hammer will be there in the morning?

Methinks we've finally sussed you?

Obviously @frank is aging his bread in the caveau until the ergot fungus germinates on it. He eats the moldy bread. Then while he is hallucinating from its effects he pens these deeply philosophical articles.

Like it, you could be onto something there!
Owen says:

Aug 22 2014 at 1:43 pm

@Teocalli

@Nate

@Teocalli

Caveau du Pain. Hmmm. Let me see.

Caveau is the French word given to a small cellar used exclusively to house the finest of wines.

Pain = Bread

So the "legs deadened as quickly as possible" is a figment of the second bottle down in the cellar, the "cast my mind forward...." is a figment of bottle #3. The Bread is just to keep you going and the Man with the Hammer will be there in the morning?

Methinks we've finally sussed you?

Obviously @frank is aging his bread in the caveau until the ergot fungus germinates on it. He eats the moldy bread. Then while he is hallucinating from its effects he pens these deeply philosophical articles.

Like it, you could be onto something there!

Are we certain he's not on something harder than ergot fungus when he's penning these?
BatDan says:

Aug 22 2014 at 2:15 pm

On the other hand a good shit and a quick bash of the bishop can have the same effect in a fraction of the time.
justindcady says:

Aug 22 2014 at 2:46 pm

I'm definitely a subscriber to this. Between family obligations and work, I'll often be lucky to get in two stints on the bike in a week. With that said, I try to make them count. Mid-week evening workout in the torture chamber courtesy of The Sufferfest, with one ride of at least 2.5hrs with a heavy dose of V on the weekend.

If quantity cannot be had, I'd better make it as quality as I can.