Sometimes, getting the job done means doing it by any means necessary. Football coaches, who have just seen their team scrape out a win by a dour defensive effort and a lucky goal, refer to it as “winning ugly”. But any true Velominatus would rather lose photogenically than win ugly. In fact, our credo could well be “it’s not whether you win or lose, but how Fantastic you look doing it”.
Never one to adhere to this philosophy was the Spanish Crab, Fernando Escartin. If ever there was a more awkward, uncomfortable looking rider, then I’m at a loss to name them. He never stood a chance really, riding on teams with less-than-classy kit for a start never helped. Mapei wasn’t too bad when he was there, but he’ll always be best recognised in the lime green of the Kelme dope squad. His Gios was the only saving grace, the beautiful blue frames always looking good no matter who is aboard.
But it wasn’t Fernando’s propensity to sweat profusely, his straggly black hair, and sunburnt Roman nose that earned him the reputation of being hit with the ugly stick; it was the way he rode his bike. Knees sticking out to the side, head permanently tilted to the right like someone had glued his ear to his shoulder, back arched into a hump that would’ve made Quasimodo jealous, constantly lurching in and out of the saddle, rocking from side to side like a demented bored orangutan that had been locked in a cage and poked with a stick for its entire life. Somehow, it got him up mountains fairly quickly.
This day he went up a couple of mountains very quickly indeed, in le Farce of 99. From 50km out, no less, it was hard viewing as he held off a supercharged pack of pock-marked pin-cushions including some forgotten YJA (Yellow Jerseyed Asshole) with a note from his mum. *Coincidentally, the stage finish town of Piau Engaly is French for Pure Ugly, fitting for Fernando’s only win in le Grande Farce.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/brettok@velominati.com/escartin/”/]
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Knowing what we know now it is understandable to recall such performances without the slightly bitter tone that comes through here.
And yet with others, Pantani, Ulrich and so on and even some will say with Armstrong, their rides are still appreciated as battles against the people on the road on the day.
Compare and contrast... ?
That should be with, not without... you know what I mean.
Watching the video made me think of the cyclist in The Triplets of Belleville - same nose, same ugly look, but at least Fernando wasn't scooped up by the Cycling Mafia.
I'm not 100% sure, but if I remember correctly, Escartin had some spinal problems from his childhood that made him ride crooked. Kelme team ethics and style on the bike aside, the guy was a pretty entertaining and aggressive rider.
I am surprised the UCI didn't make a ruling basis his nose being too aero.
Not "Le Farce," but "La Farce." Not "Le Grande Farce," but "La Grande Farce."
Piau Engaly does not mean anything in French...
But Escartin will always be remembered as the Ugliest Rider ever ! Great article !
99 Tour also notable for a certain event that inspired the young Frank - Guerini clashing with a spectator. We now know what that led to.
As for ugly riders, whilst he didn't look too bad on the bike (although I think he nearly fell off a mountain) Bernard Kohl was treated to an awful battering by the ugly stick - a face like a smacked dog's arse if there ever was one.
Gianni, I see your Escartin and raise you a Michel Pollentier. The rumor is that Levitan kicked Pollentier out of the Tour i n 78 (the farcical dope avoidance apparatus. He never actually failed the test - he was caught with a condom filled with someone else's piss connected to a tube running down his back and between his buttocks. Whether or not his own urine would have passed is unknown; one presumes not. I guess he could have tried.) Anyhoo, had Pollentier stayed in yellow, an overall victory seemed on the cards and Levitan didn't want such an ugly-riding cyclist wearing the yellow jersey into Paris. Funnily enough, the beneficiary was one Bernard Hinault. French bias? Surely not . . .
@Marcus
Yup - I think you aptly coined this mug...
Ouch, that nose is straight out of a cartoon.
Kelme. One of my favorite pair of soccer cleats I ever own was a set of Kelmes. Ugly kit for sure though.