When it comes to weight and body dysmorphia, we cyclists can go toe-to-toe with any thirteen year old tween who has done their time flipping through the pages of Vogue and Sixteen. However fit and thin we might be, at some point it dawns on us that we’re not as light as we could be. The obvious solution is to buy lighter parts for our bikes, but eventually we will run out of parts to buy or money to spend. At that point, we’ll have no alternative but to start losing weight.
On the surface, this is a fairly simple matter; calories in minus calories out is the magic to any weight loss voodoo, right up to the point where it stops working because the “calories in” part deviates from our lifestyle or our metabolism decides we’re old and that since everything else is slowing down, it should too.
It is at this juncture that we ask ourselves how we can lose those kilos that seem unwilling to melt from our bodies. The answer varies depending on your lifestyle, body type, how loud your Awesome is, and your ideal riding weight. (By the way, similarly to the number of bikes to own, your ideal riding weight is one kilo less than your current weight, or weight ideal = weight current – 1). But assuming that you enjoy eating, alcohol, or anything else that doesn’t suck, it will require doing something drastic.
My journey through weight loss started with doing everything the same but riding more until that program stalled, and then I started doing sit-ups and leg lifts, both of which meet the aforementioned suck requirement. And then I cut back on beer and wine, which sucks even more, but that’s when things really started happening. A surprising side-effect of cutting down on booze, by the way, is that although you get less charismatic, you feel better in general and sleep better in addition to losing weight. It turns out that alcohol is a poison or something. Who knew?
But now that my V-Jersey isn’t stretched like a balloon on a pumpkin, I’ve moved on to worrying about my upper body, which is bigger than a typical cyclist’s thanks to 15 or so years of nordic ski racing. Which brings me to Ullrich’s sleeves. I have always had it in my mind that Jan and I are of similar physique, aside from the quads and calves and the devilishly good looks. But my stupid sleeves are always tight, and his were always loose. I take off my jersey, and sure enough, there’s that little mark that the sleeves made on each of my arms. Infuriating. The only solution is to focus completely on wasting my upper body into nothing.
Since I’m not doing anything outrageous like routinely lifting weighty objects or doing pushups, the only conclusion I can draw is that I’m carrying too many groceries into the house at once. I’ve therefor moved to a strict regimen of only carrying one gallon of milk at a time. It takes twice as long to unload the car that way, but all that walking is good for my cardio, you just have to push through the pain. I also alternate hands every few strides if I’ve parked more than a hundred meters from the house in order to avoid becoming lopsided.
Finally, if this latest program doesn’t work out as well as I expect it to, I’ve also realized that while carbohydrates are an athlete’s friend in terms of providing easy energy to burn during a workout, they are heavy on the fork, and repetitively lifting forkloads of pasta into my mouth may be what’s causing my shoulders to bulk up unnecessarily. I’m therefor on the lookout for a healthy food source that can be drank from a straw or something in pellet form that I can peck out of a bowl.
It’s drastic, sure, but drastic times call for drastic measures, and I’m determined to get there eventually.
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@Marko good point, mate! Climbing really can be done by a fatty. But looking good is enough of a bonus on its own. It's like Fournel says: to look good is to already go fast. Unfortunately, I'm neither right now, but as my ranting above alluded to, inspired by this article (and Jan's face) I'm getting after it from here on out! Well done on your weightloss this year, and its a tricky combo: eating out and more work but sure you've got it covered.
@unversio
Note that he is not actually eating that horrorshow excuse for food. He's been carrying it around for a week or so in an attempt to fool the press into beliveing that he's a Pro Team DS and not an extra from Trainspotting.
@Brett. What was that Rule drafted over a skinful of Amstel?
"Drinking beer must never be sacrificed on the alter of cutting weight."?
Porsche or Jaguar dealer should just bring Sean Yates onto the showroom floor (just as he is pictured above) and instantly start selling autos to women -- and men.
@unversio true story, Yates seems to reek of toughness, testosterone, and Sex Panther....
@harminator
So the food is probably just a rubber squeaky toy -- decoy.
My first year & a half of riding seriously had some rather encouraging results.
Late 2010, after a year or so of limited activity after giving up aussie rules due to injury, I was beginning to nudge up towards the century mark, which is clearly ridiculous on a 181cm frame in my late 20s. Nearly 18 months later I was down over 15 kilos to the magical 80kg mark in February this year.
No good deed goes unpunished and just over a month later a spill & a busted collarbone led to 2 months off the bike leading in to winter. The fact that a majority of those two months (and if I'm honest, quite a bit of winter as well) was spent in a state that Frank might describe as 'charismatically poisoned' might have reversed this process a little.
Slowly but surely as I've been getting more consistent riding time back in, the sprinter's muscle is once again starting to reduce.
Climbing weight? who needs it? Even when racing, there aint that many hilly races for nuffies like us. Keep a bit of muscle up top so you feel better in life generally (ie you can rake leaves without doing your back) and to keep the leydies happy.
When I have been close to being a skinny cyclist (certainly not right now), non-cycling friends asked weird questions. One chick, who i used to dig back in the day, asked a mate, "Has Marcus shrunk?". Unless you get paid to look like a biafran with a shit tan, the pros of climbing weight might not outweight the cons.
So frank, keep both pairs of your guns in good shape. You never know when you will need to push a skinny climber off his bike before a climb starts.
@Marcus
See now this I like. I can continue to enjoy food and drink with Marcus' method. I mean in all honesty what's the difference between me finishing 17th or 47th at the big Cat 5 throwdown in the middle of New Hampshire? I would like to stop sucking at cycling, though and that is the mindset of my weigthloss goals. But at my current size I could simply knock over the skinny guys. Well played, sir!
@Marcus there's nothing more motivating in terms of getting slim than riding with two best mates who happen to be 160cm, 65kg grimpeurs & seeing the bored look on their faces when they've been waiting for a minute or so at the top of each climb...
Sorry, but I thought this entire article was pointless because the lessons it seeks to provide could be persuasively dealt with - as most of life's problems can - by reference to the Rules.
Here's all it needed to say:
"Observe rule #91 and repeat. End of lesson."