There are two ways in life to be good at something. The first way is the most obvious, which is to actually be good at something. This is harder than it sounds because you need things like skills, talent, fortitude, and light sabers. The other way doesn’t require those things but it has its own challenges; basically, you have to be holistically awful at the sort of levels that make all the suck turn inside out on itself until it becomes awesome. American Flyers did that, and the fashion industry routinely uses this principle to their advantage, regurgitating fads and styles first as kitschy retro cool and then tricking us into thinking it actually looks good.

Cycling has happily been immune to this because our aesthetics were driven by function first through advances in technology; never in our history have we been so advanced that we felt the inclination to revert a step or two simply for the novelty of going backwards. The Velominatus may well be inclined to look to steel frames and three-cross box-section wheelsets for their durability and ride quality, but that is a luxury that we as amateurs enjoy without the demands of racing at the top level of our sport where events are won by fractions of percents gained through marginal advances in technology.

But apparently we’ve reached the stage now where Cycling style is being influenced by kids helmets and skateboard attire. I went for a ride with a good friend a few weeks back who was riding in Giro’s new baggy line of clothing. It flopped around like a sail in the wind generated by our own speed, and basically sent him backwards in the breeze that was blowing in along the coast. It looked good in the café before the ride, I have to admit, but last time I checked, Cycling clothing was supposed to be designed for Looking Fantastic while riding, not while sipping a doppio macchiato. (But let’s not understate the importance of looking good while sipping an espresso. We are not animals.)

And the helmets. There are accounts supported by doctored photographs floating around the internet of me wearing an ugly helmet, something I categorically deny ever happened. Nevertheless, let the record show that the lids the Pros are wearing these days are an abomination of style, culture, aesthetics, and progress. My Aeon is so light that I had to put on a few extra pounds just to make sure it doesn’t carry me off when I go outside. And guess what? It’s actually well-ventilated which means my sweet shades don’t fog up when I climb like the Evade makes them do. (Theoretically, of course. Because those photos are fakes.) And speaking of shades, I’m wearing a pair of Oakleys with photosensitive lenses that go from completely clear to black anodized depending on the light conditions. Also well-ventilated. That’s progress right there.

Riding a bike wearing an ice bucket on your head in baggy shorts and shirts with aviator sunglasses isn’t fashion forward, it’s Cycling – the most aesthetically independent sport in history – taking its cues from kids who think a long skateboard is an effective way to navigate through traffic. There may well be white space in the market for it, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. We are the Velominati and we have standards, for Merckx’s sake.

Oh, and seriously, enough with the fucking beards. Rule #50, people. Sometimes you’ve just got to stand up and say we look like hell and I’m not gonna take it any more!

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • @frank

    @Marko

    @Frank - Wiggo is cool. Let's face it. We all know the story. He's one of the few guys in the peloton right now who's approaching anything close to a LeMond or Hinault as far as being a complete rider is concerned. Nobody else right now is even trying. That's class. Take or leave is style, that's subjective..

    Wiggo is still a far fucking cry from being a complete rider. First, has has to stop being a little bitch. Second, he has to have a GT target the same year as a PR target like Everyone up until and including LeMond had. Then he has to continue to stop being a little bitch.
    I love his style off the bike though. Skinny people look great in clothes.

    Yes, Wiggins has style and I like his clothes (and Style Council). And yes, he is whiny and fickle. I was heartbroken when he completely folded on that descent in the rain in Italy in 2013. But aren't we missing something when comparing him to Merckx, Hinault and LeMond?

    Wiggins was a dominating force in track racing for almost 10-years (1998-2008), winning world championships in multiple disciplines, multiple gold medals in two Olympics, while only dabbling in road racing, and takes a place on the podium in the 2009 TdF.

    Track racing (and I remain woefully ignorant of track racing) might be under represented on this site, but nonetheless, it is a serious cycling discipline and I can't find Wiggins track credentials and successes anywhere in Merckx, Hinault and LeMond's palmarès.

    In conclusion, Wiggins has spent 10 years at the top of track racing, has been a top 5 (top 3?) GC grand tour rider for at least the last 5 years, and is now participating (successfully as a contender, so far) in the Spring Classics.

    With that kind of career, looks to me like Wiggins is on track (pun intended) to be greatest cyclist of all time (If I didn't care about the suspension of my posting privileges, this is where I would insert a smiley face emoticon)!

  • @anthony

    @Fausto Crapiz

    Okay. Get the idea. But he wins races.

    No deneying that, still don't like him

    And what is with his girlfriend's snarky Twitter feed during the 2012 TdF and lately? Oh Honey. I understand your modeling career is stalling out, you might be Chris Froome's girlfriend, but no one cares what you think and your opinions have no relevance.

  • Did you just Throw out a Style Council reference, WOW! as much as a love the Jam and Paul Weller  I can't handle that shit.

    @Minnesota Expat

    @frank

    @Marko

    @Frank - Wiggo is cool. Let's face it. We all know the story. He's one of the few guys in the peloton right now who's approaching anything close to a LeMond or Hinault as far as being a complete rider is concerned. Nobody else right now is even trying. That's class. Take or leave is style, that's subjective..

    Wiggo is still a far fucking cry from being a complete rider. First, has has to stop being a little bitch. Second, he has to have a GT target the same year as a PR target like Everyone up until and including LeMond had. Then he has to continue to stop being a little bitch.
    I love his style off the bike though. Skinny people look great in clothes.

    Yes, Wiggins has style and I like his clothes (and Style Council). And yes, he is whiny and fickle. I was heartbroken when he completely folded on that descent in the rain in Italy in 2013. But aren't we missing something when comparing him to Merckx, Hinault and LeMond?

    Wiggins was a dominating force in track racing for almost 10-years (1998-2008), winning world championships in multiple disciplines, multiple gold medals in two Olympics, while only dabbling in road racing, and takes a place on the podium in the 2009 TdF.

    Track racing (and I remain woefully ignorant of track racing) might be under represented on this site, but nonetheless, it is a serious cycling discipline and I can't find Wiggins track credentials and successes anywhere in Merckx, Hinault and LeMond's palmarès.

    In conclusion, Wiggins has spent 10 years at the top of track racing, has been a top 5 (top 3?) GC grand tour rider for at least the last 5 years, and is now participating (successfully as a contender, so far) in the Spring Classics.

    With that kind of career, looks to me like Wiggins is on track (pun intended) to be greatest cyclist of all time (If I didn't care about the suspension of my posting privileges, this is where I would insert a smiley face emoticon)!

    Did you just throw out a Style Council reference, Wow! I am quite fond of the Jam but would prefere to forget about that particular part of Mr Weller's career.

  • @Minnesota Expat Merckx's successes on the track were not insignificant, and spanned his entire career. 17 six days, 3 European championships, 7 Belgian championships. Oh, and that hour record thing. The number 525 gets bandied about, but that was just road. It's 625 with the 98 track wins and 2 cyclocross.

  • @Minnesota Expat

    The difference between a rider like Merckx and a rider like Wiggins is Merckx didn't have to give up on all his other ambitions to be good at just one thing. Same for Hinault and to a lesser extend LeMond.

    To suggest Wiggins might be the greatest of all time is perhaps the most laughable thing said here, and that include my articles and anything Minion has ever posted in response to Marcus.

    If we're going to be serious about the subject of a Complete Rider, I have two words: Marianne Vos.

  • @Teocalli

    @frank

    Something like 80% of the Pro peloton claims to have asthma. Its a fucking disgrace; the medication dilates your trachea and as a (genuine) asthmatic I can tell you how much of a difference it makes.

    I could be wrong but as I understand it the inhaler will not dilate a normal trachea and so does not benefit someone who does not suffer from Asthma. Pretty sure I read that somewhere a while back that was about the number of Pro riders using inhalers that actually do nothing for them.

    Being one also with athsma, which mainly impacted by cold weather riding and harder efforts, your above statement was somewhat profound for me.

    Taking athsma meds on an already dilated trachea would do nothing, because the fucker is as dilated as can be already.

    So a 'normal' person taking the meds would see no benefit at all. In laymans theory.

    Maybe the Skybots know something we don't, perhaps the trachea in an unaffected individual actually contract under duress. Lot of stress in the body and changes in blood flow in the various organs while climbing cols at 5W/kg...

    The other I can't help thinking is now every GC competitor and team will watch that little blue piece of plastic like a fucking hawk and attack if Doggy dog pulls it from his jersey...

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