Diego Ulissi did us all a service on stage 4 of the Giro. Not only did he win in the best way possible for a rouleur with a sprint – by not having to sprint – he timed his attack so perfectly that he only had time for a split-second salute, and an even quicker jersey zip-up before the line. The textbook precision of his winning routine should be the blueprint for all Pros:

  1. Attack over the top of the last short climb. Take a quick look behind. Shit, it worked.
  2. Do the Top-Tube Pedal Squat on the descent. This does bugger all to help the advantage, but looks like you’re doing all you can to stay away. One of these days someone is going to get this spectacularly wrong.
  3. Don’t look back again. This usually means you are flagging and almost expecting to be caught. The chasers use it as extra motivation to get across.
  4. When that line is in sight, take a quick peek, realise you’ve won, and zip up that jersey with a sleight of hand that would do Maradona proud.
  5. Get those arms out to the side, nice and wide, and hit the line flying. Rule the world.

This technique is perfect for so many reasons, but the most important one is it doesn’t allow any spare time for “Finishing Straight Fuck Arounds”. No hundreds of metres of looking to the sky, pointing to the sky, realising you’re on Team Sky and not actually winning, rocking babies, shooting guns or arrows, shooting guns or arrows at babies, pointing at your bony chest for some reason, and a dozen different arm movements that make you look like one of those blow up things that flap about outside used car lots and garden centres having a sale. Just get to the line, then lay down your simple, classic Jesus Christ Pose. Because if you’ve won a stage of the Giro, you are God. If just for one day.

Brett

Don't blame me

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  • @Phillip Mercer

    @anthony

    I think I heard Ciro Scognamiglio mention that Diego Ulissi’s father was a Maradona fan hence he named his son after him.

    Yeah I heard that as well. He was named after Maradona according to Ciro. Just made me think there is probably a lot of Diego's in Napoli around his age.

    Cheers

  • Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed the haze that seems to float around the finishing straights at this year's Giro?  It could be an interplay of cameras and lighting, sure, but I prefer to think it's a fog of V left behind by our champions.  They are giving us an exceptional show so far this year, aren't they?

  • @anthony

    @Phillip Mercer

    @anthony

    I think I heard Ciro Scognamiglio mention that Diego Ulissi’s father was a Maradona fan hence he named his son after him.

    Yeah I heard that as well. He was named after Maradona according to Ciro. Just made me think there is probably a lot of Diego’s in Napoli around his age.

    Cheers

    Please, no one post that awful half Tinkoff half Napoli jersey.

     

  • @brett

    It was no doubt a deliberate omission on your part (to save readers from the horror), but amongst all the arrows, skyward finger points and baby rocking, using a prop is far far worse.

    Kind of respect the leather-banded watch though. Carrying that and a dummy up a mountain stage shows something. What, I don't know.

  • @Marcus

    @brett

    It was no doubt a deliberate omission on your part (to save readers from the horror), but amongst all the arrows, skyward finger points and baby rocking, using a prop is far far worse.

    Kind of respect the leather-banded watch though. Carrying that and a dummy up a mountain stage shows something. What, I don’t know.

     

    Take cover, everyone: I'm going to try to embed a YouTube video (The Internet will most probably be broken irreparably). I'll admit that I'm stretching the reference almost to the snapping point here - so sorry for the hijack, but I couldn't resist this opportunity to pay tribute to one of the greatest (and most unrecognized) blues guitarists that ever walked this earth. For your entertainment (Crank up for maximum result)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5EkHK6fi7E

  • Zounds... Ah well; at least I hope the link works. (FYI: it should bring you to a live recording of "Cradle rock" by Irish guitarist Rory Gallagher and band, from his 1974 Irish Tour)

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