Confessions of a Keeper: Descension

Forgive my off-season indiscretions Father.

The only thing worse than being two months from peaking and too fat to climb is being two months past peaking and in the middle of the season of rapid weight gain. At least with the former there is something to look forward to as you measure the incremental gains of your training as the almost daily rides of the season accumulate on your Strava profile. The latter can seem like a long dark tunnel that leads only to fat and slow. For those of us living in the Northern Hemisphere, on the tundra and ice-covered roads, with only 8 1/2 hours of daylight, a proper road ride and last season’s gains can seem like a distant dream. The juxtaposition of climbing well for your weight and expanding into a larger jersey size before your very own eyes is a cross the Velominatus must sometimes have to bear.

2012 was perhaps the best season I’ve ever had on a bike. It actually began on the trainer on New Year’s Day as I started training for the Keepers Tour. After returning from the trip of a lifetime riding the cobbles of Norther France and Belgium I was able to hold momentum at the start of the season at home. Next up was the Almanzo 100 in May, a very hard gravel race in which I was happy with my result. Then, the guys began gathering for our Tuesday group rides. On the whole, the group really got after it this year and we pushed each other to some great levels of fitness. Coupled with my almost daily solo rides, I was seeing progress early and often. Then the season was punctuated in September by a 15th placing in the Heck of the North, another gravel race. I had timed my peaks pretty well for an amateur and as my Strava numbers got bigger La Volupte and I had become closer acquaintances.

Then November happened. I hold about as much appreciation for November as I do for March in this part of the world. That is to say none. November and March are the shoulder seasons and the only time of year when running actually seems like a plausible way to stay fit. In November the Rule #11 chickens start coming home to roost, the roads can turn to shit and aren’t safe to ride, and graveling becomes an exercise in survival as half the month is slotted for deer hunting. Mates that haven’t been seen all summer start to wander into town again for Happy Hour beers at the local micro-brew. Food becomes laden with butter, chocolate, and carbs. This November was exacerbated by the fact that I went down for two solid weeks with a viral infection. I was so fucking sick I shit the bed one night. For Merckx’s Sake it took a lot of the V to recover from that one. Now I know how Thor must have felt about this year’s Spring Classics campaign. The only difference being my spring was better than his and my fall was his spring.

So let me have it. Tell me to Rule #5. Tell me to get out and ride my bike, set up the trainer, stop whinging. I probably deserve it after all this. I’m banking on the fact though that there are others like me out there. Others who have witnessed their own precipitous descension from peak form to shit in the matter of weeks. It really is incredible, the difference in how long it takes to build that form and how quickly it disappears. So please, grant me this one confession. Share your own despair if you like but then let’s move on. Let’s share in the fleeting catharsis that being a little bitch can offer and then begin the long, painful, and awesome slog back to the V together again.

 

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208 Replies to “Confessions of a Keeper: Descension”

  1. @Marko

    Great. Go to it, Brother.

    Then hit the rollers in your underwear. (Whatever floats your boat.) Keep the pics low res.

  2. @Marko

    @harminator Okay, this is turning into some kind of V-eer support group now. I can relate to the Rule #33 lapse and negative self talking justification for the reforestation. Not only do I think I don’t deserve it but I tell myself leg hair keeps me warmer for skiing, I’m not riding to it doesn’t matter, the fuzz will hide my atrophied pins. I’m going to jump in the shower right now and shave brother.

    Rude bastard. Does your brother not have a name?

  3. I always find this time of year unproductive. I love Xmas but I get to this point and just want to get on with it and start the new year. Until then it feels like I’m treading water waiting for the gluttony be over.

    I’ve registered for my first sportive in early March which should keep me on my toes: http://puncheur.co.uk/topline_details.htm 

    Then 5 weeks after it’s the Bristol Cogal and i’d like good legs for that.

     

  4. While winter routines are under discussion, what say the velominati to saunas? Once a week? Twice? how long? Any strategies to consider?

  5. @the Engine

    Although when they’re about 11yo+ the problem reverses and they won’t get up…

    Hell, my five year old daughter has already done that.

  6. @harminator

    @Blah

    @the Engine

    Yep, I get it – being facetious.

    I teach, and miss 3.5 will go to my school next August. Classes start at 8am so 8.15 will screw me right over.

    @scaler911

    Yup – bike-wise, bored off my fucking tits.

    Careful there. Scaler might not know exactly what tits are.

    Har! Har de har har. I’ll have you know that @G’rilla and The Dutch Monkey have been sending me photos to help the cause.

  7. @frank

    Balvenie 21.  “I’m sorry, Son, there’s be no financial support this month as your father had a medical emergency and the co-pays were horrendous. Back on track next month, hey?”

  8. @wiscot

    While winter routines are under discussion, what say the velominati to saunas? Once a week? Twice? how long? Any strategies to consider?

    There are only two rules that relate to saunas:

    1) Avoid ‘men only’ saunas

    2) Don’t piss on the hot cobbles

  9. And…the Descension continues. One of our cats is missing, free time taken up with searching the neighborhood & putting up flyers. This is the downside of having indoor/outdoor cats. Oh well, fingers crossed that she’s just stuck in a shed or in a crawl space and will be home shortly!

  10. @Marko

    In the last 24 hours winter has arrived for good I believe. This, of course, means the second most important season of the year has begun, skiing. This marks the end of the shoulder season and the rebirth of hurt. While my skiing goals are far less important to me than my cycling ones, still absolutely love doing it. A good 20k on nordic skis always has as much V to offer up as any 60 on the bike. There’s a reason there has been such a tradition of crossover between nordic skiing and cycling. It just makes sense. So no, fuck the fat tire bike, I’m waxing up the skinny skis now that there’s snow on the ground.

    Oh YES!  THIS! 

     There was a reason that LeMan and Phinney were monster XC skiers as well as awesome on the bike.  It is such amazing exercise!  I am praying for snow so hard right now, although it looks like we’ll have a bit of a wait here at West Point.  But, I am getting involved in helping out the West Point Nordic Team and we should be taking some training camp trips to Canada soon!

  11. This is the view from my handlebars for the next 3 months.  Skis and snowshoes are going to dominate however. THis kind of ride does invoke the Rules #5 and #9!! You’ll feel better if you just get out there and do it. I hate my trainer but succomb in January when we hit the deep freeze. UGH!

  12. @frank

    Portwood – my favorite.  Unfortunately, it keeps becoming others also.  Death, Taxes, Portwood price increase – the certainties of life.

  13. @CFADave

    This is the view from my handlebars for the next 3 months. Skis and snowshoes are going to dominate however. THis kind of ride does invoke the Rules #5 and #9!! You’ll feel better if you just get out there and do it. I hate my trainer but succomb in January when we hit the deep freeze. UGH!

    Yikes that looks sketchy! What tyres do you use in those conditions!!

  14. @scaler911

    WHEN DOES THE FUCKING BIKE RACING START!!???!!! We’re reduced to talking about how much our kids do/ don’t sleep? That’s the biggest problem with the off season here at VM. We’re all bored.

    74 DAYS UNTIL HET VOLK!!!!!!

    What the fuck else are we supposed to talk about, the glory of slow-as-fuck pre-holiday base miles?

  15. @motor city

    @wiscot

    While winter routines are under discussion, what say the velominati to saunas? Once a week? Twice? how long? Any strategies to consider?

    There are only two rules that relate to saunas:

    1) Avoid ‘men only’ saunas

    2) Don’t piss on the hot cobbles

    The sauna at my Y is men only. When I was an undergrad at Glasgow Uni in the 80s the saunas were mixed – with bathing costumes of course. One did have to think pure thoughts. Rule #5 did not apply nor did you want it to!

  16. @Nate

    @scaler911

    WHEN DOES THE FUCKING BIKE RACING START!!???!!! We’re reduced to talking about how much our kids do/ don’t sleep? That’s the biggest problem with the off season here at VM. We’re all bored.

    74 DAYS UNTIL HET VOLK!!!!!!

    What the fuck else are we supposed to talk about, the glory of slow-as-fuck pre-holiday base miles?

    Nipple Lube

  17. @scaler911

    @harminator

    @Blah

    @the Engine

    Yep, I get it – being facetious.

    I teach, and miss 3.5 will go to my school next August. Classes start at 8am so 8.15 will screw me right over.

    @scaler911

    Yup – bike-wise, bored off my fucking tits.

    Careful there. Scaler might not know exactly what tits are.

    Har! Har de har har. I’ll have you know that @G’rilla and The Dutch Monkey have been sending me photos to help the cause.

    And yet….

  18. @wiscot

    @motor city

    @wiscot

    While winter routines are under discussion, what say the velominati to saunas? Once a week? Twice? how long? Any strategies to consider?

    There are only two rules that relate to saunas:

    1) Avoid ‘men only’ saunas

    2) Don’t piss on the hot cobbles

    The sauna at my Y is men only. When I was an undergrad at Glasgow Uni in the 80s the saunas were mixed – with bathing costumes of course. One did have to think pure thoughts. Rule #5 did not apply nor did you want it to!

    Saunas are the only way to get clean. You asked what we thought, I think they are one of the five things truly worth living for. The others being cycling, beer, powder skiing, and one other one that slips my mind. They are not to be used though as any sort of training or weight loss device. They are to be used as a sanctuary. A place of communion and cleansing. Yes, don’t piss on the stones. Don’t ever fart in a sauna either. And for the true sauna aficionado, they are not to be had sex in. Lissa Loyla. Here’s mine:

  19. @Marko

    @wiscot

    @motor city

    @wiscot

    While winter routines are under discussion, what say the velominati to saunas? Once a week? Twice? how long? Any strategies to consider?

    There are only two rules that relate to saunas:

    1) Avoid ‘men only’ saunas

    2) Don’t piss on the hot cobbles

    The sauna at my Y is men only. When I was an undergrad at Glasgow Uni in the 80s the saunas were mixed – with bathing costumes of course. One did have to think pure thoughts. Rule #5 did not apply nor did you want it to!

    Saunas are the only way to get clean. You asked what we thought, I think they are one of the five things truly worth living for. The others being cycling, beer, powder skiing, and one other one that slips my mind. They are not to be used though as any sort of training or weight loss device. They are to be used as a sanctuary. A place of communion and cleansing. Yes, don’t piss on the stones. Don’t ever fart in a sauna either. And for the true sauna aficionado, they are not to be had sex in. Lissa Loyla. Here’s mine:

    NIce, Nice, Nice!

  20. @Marko

    @wiscot

    @motor city

    @wiscot

    While winter routines are under discussion, what say the velominati to saunas? Once a week? Twice? how long? Any strategies to consider?

    There are only two rules that relate to saunas:

    1) Avoid ‘men only’ saunas

    2) Don’t piss on the hot cobbles

    The sauna at my Y is men only. When I was an undergrad at Glasgow Uni in the 80s the saunas were mixed – with bathing costumes of course. One did have to think pure thoughts. Rule #5 did not apply nor did you want it to!

    Saunas are the only way to get clean. You asked what we thought, I think they are one of the five things truly worth living for. The others being cycling, beer, powder skiing, and one other one that slips my mind. They are not to be used though as any sort of training or weight loss device. They are to be used as a sanctuary. A place of communion and cleansing. Yes, don’t piss on the stones. Don’t ever fart in a sauna either. And for the true sauna aficionado, they are not to be had sex in. Lissa Loyla. Here’s mine:

    Birch sticks or no?

  21. @Nate Not sure what you mean by birch sticks? Do I burn birch – yes, often. Is it made of birch – no. Do I use a switch – not usually but they’re not made of birch. Do I live on Birch Lake – yes.

  22. Should I ever have the means I’d like my own sauna and steam room!

    One of the best days of my life remains the day I spent at a natural hot springs on the southern island of New Zealand, north of Christchurch. I think it was…Hanmer Springs? The previous day I was driving a ’83 Mitsubishi Ancer (the L had fallen off) down a dirt road towards a good fishing spot I’d been told about. A man and his family came by in a ute and told me the road was washed out, laughing at my poor sedan and telling me to turn around. He invited me to stay with his family that night. They fed me, put me up on their farm, and invited me to the water park the next day, where he worked. He got me in for free and to spend a day at a hot pool, plus a personal sauna room for a half hour, was pure heaven after living in hostels for a few months.

    What a nice family!

  23. @Marko Smacking self or others with dried bunches of birch leaves/sticks — common in the Russian banya and some areas of Finland.

  24. @Nate

    @Marko Smacking self or others with dried bunches of birch leaves/sticks “” common in the Russian banya and some areas of Finland.

    Ah, that’s where the ‘switch’ question above came in. That’s what the old Finlanders around here called them growing up. Usually used willow or balsam. Talk about self flagellation. When we’d get in trouble as kids they’d threaten to come after us with the switch.

  25. Eddy F’n Mercxk. So far this article has Marco shiiting the bed, how to Sauna and Nate claiming the five things worth living for are beer, something something something and something else he can’t remember. I hope like hell one of those things involves the VMH in some respect.

    Cabin fever must be slapping you poor bastards pretty hard about now.

  26. @minion Fronk will be happy that one of the keepers has been telling us all that so much fun can be had off the bike (bed shitting excluded, a line has to be drawn somewhere)

  27. @minion

    Eddy F’n Mercxk. So far this article has Marco shiiting the bed, how to Sauna and Nate claiming the five things worth living for are beer, something something something and something else he can’t remember. I hope like hell one of those things involves the VMH in some respect.

    Cabin fever must be slapping you poor bastards pretty hard about now.

    Mmmhmmmm………

  28. Anyone else noticing that the comments are jumping randomly back to the last page after clicking show all or up a bit or down?

  29. @Marko a bit like the young cool trainee teacher gets left in charge and shows the third form an “arty” movie.

    Keep up the good work, Carlson.

  30. But the good news is I met another guy there who’s two months from peaking who has a 60cm alloy winter bike that he’s not using. At a pinch it’ll fit me – I’ll keep you posted. May even put some pictures up if Marko’s still in charge.

  31. @Nate

    @the Engine

    Pop quiz – what does “sauna” have in common with “Molotov cocktail”?

    Both are Finnish inventions?

    Not quite – the sauna more or less the Molotov cocktail was only popularised (if that’s the right word) by the Finns.

  32. We have a term around here called “Finngenuity”. This is why: (from wikipedia) Smart people.

    The Finns perfected the design and tactical use of the petrol bomb. The fuel for the Molotov cocktail was refined to a slightly sticky mixture of gasolinekerosenetar, and potassium chlorate. Further refinements included the attachment of wind-proof matches or a phial of chemicals that would ignite on breakage, thereby removing the need to pre-ignite the bottle, and leaving the bottle about one-third empty was found to make breaking more likely.[9] As the cooling system was almost invariably placed where direct fire wouldn’t hit it, the target of choice was the rear deck of a tank; the burning contents of the bottle would pour through the large cooling grills and ignite fuel, hydraulic fluids and ammunition.

    A British War Office report dated June 1940 noted that:

    The Finns’ policy was to allow the Russian tanks to penetrate their defences, even inducing them to do so by ‘canalising’ them through gaps and concentrating their small arms fire on the infantry following them. The tanks that penetrated were taken on by gun fire in the open and by small parties of men armed with explosive charges and petrol bombs in the forests and villages… The essence of the policy was the separation of the AFVs from the infantry, as once on their own the tank has many blind spots and once brought to a stop can be disposed of at leisure.[10]
     
     
     
     
  33. @Marko

    We have a term around here called “Finngenuity”. This is why: (from wikipedia) Smart people.

    My father in law’s family is Finnish.  They are very clever and handy folk.

  34. @minion

    Worst fucking day of the year here is Jan 2nd. Holiday over, fat, hungover, cold, wet and dark most of the day. But the night skiing is good.

  35. @Daccordi Rider

    @scaler911 Tour Down Under starts 17th of Jan. Do your TV’s work in that fuckin cold weather?

    Poor child; didnt ur parents finally let you know that was an old wives tale? that brings up santa claus…

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