Whenever something tries to be something it isn’t, you wind up getting into trouble. Those Cutlass Cruisers in the 70’s and 80’s with vinyl wood panelling weren’t fooling anyone. Neither are those linoleum tiles in my kitchen; not one person in history has ever mistaken them for being marble. And Lycra has never tricked anyone into believing it was a pair of jean shorts. Despite the extra effort to add a fly and pockets to them.

Which brings up an important point. Looking Pro is not the same as Looking Fantastic. They mostly just stumble into looking cool because they’re on their bikes so much that everything becomes natural for them. But Pros frequently look completely crap, often because their sponsors are paying them to wear something no one in their right mind would ever wear. Like denim-printed bib shorts. But sometimes, when you’re baller enough, you can pull off the most horrendous of kit and still Look Fantastic.

Pantani is the only rider on the long list of those who rode for Carrera who ever pulled off this look. Shit, he even pulled off the all-denim-print long sleeve jersey. He might even have special-ordered it, just to prove he could do it.

Don’t try this at home, kids. You are not this cool, and you can not pull off that look. Pencils down, class dismissed.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @Rick

    @wiscot

    @Cary

    @wiscot

    the mullet is an underappreciated and unfairly maligned haircut.

    0

    It is? Where the hell do you live man?

    0

    In some parts of the world the mullet is a purely functional hair style. The flowing locks down the back help keep the sun off of the neck. The more trimmed look on the top and sides helps keep one cool (temp wise). This should actually be perfect for pro cyclist. However, function often follows fashion.

    0

    Time for you to ease up on the Bud Lite. Or make confessions like this in a different thread than "Look Pro".

  • @MangoDave

    @Rick

    @wiscot

    @Cary

    @wiscot

    the mullet is an underappreciated and unfairly maligned haircut.

    0

    It is? Where the hell do you live man?

    0

    In some parts of the world the mullet is a purely functional hair style. The flowing locks down the back help keep the sun off of the neck. The more trimmed look on the top and sides helps keep one cool (temp wise). This should actually be perfect for pro cyclist. However, function often follows fashion.

    0

    Time for you to ease up on the Bud Lite. Or make confessions like this in a different thread than “Look Pro”.

    0

    Haha, not a confession just an observation. As for me, I have a full Pantani hair style.

  • @Rick

    @wiscot

    @Cary

    @wiscot

    the mullet is an underappreciated and unfairly maligned haircut.

    0

    It is? Where the hell do you live man?

    0

    In some parts of the world the mullet is a purely functional hair style. The flowing locks down the back help keep the sun off of the neck. The more trimmed look on the top and sides helps keep one cool (temp wise). This should actually be perfect for pro cyclist. However, function often follows fashion.

    0

    Hmmmmm . . . having the hair long enough to cover the neck in the case of a mullet is a case of "too much, too late" as the wearer's neck has already been exposed to he sun and is therefore red in hue.

  • @wiscot

    @Rick

    @wiscot

    @Cary

    @wiscot

    the mullet is an underappreciated and unfairly maligned haircut.

    0

    It is? Where the hell do you live man?

    0

    In some parts of the world the mullet is a purely functional hair style. The flowing locks down the back help keep the sun off of the neck. The more trimmed look on the top and sides helps keep one cool (temp wise). This should actually be perfect for pro cyclist. However, function often follows fashion.

    0

    Hmmmmm . . . having the hair long enough to cover the neck in the case of a mullet is a case of “too much, too late” as the wearer’s neck has already been exposed to he sun and is therefore red in hue.

    0

    It is not necessary to have a sunburn to be a redneck. Although I currently live in NYC, I grew up in a part of the US where the mullet was a functional rather than a fashion choice.

    Personally, I wear an under helmet bandanna  pulled low enough to cover my neck, sort of a faux mullet. I suppose you can take the boy out of the country, but........

  • Although I am Dutch, like Gert-Jan and Henk, I never liked the mullet, but for these dudes, they are iconic. Only they are able to wear them. Henk nowadays sports a full Pantani haircut fwiw.

    The German expression for a mullet is something to remember: vokuhila. Acronym for Vorne Kurz, Hinten Lang (translated: front short, back long).

    The Dutch word is "matje" which translates into "small carpet".

  • @KogaLover

    Although I am Dutch, like Gert-Jan and Henk, I never liked the mullet, but for these dudes, they are iconic. Only they are able to wear them. Henk nowadays sports a full Pantani haircut fwiw.

    The German expression for a mullet is something to remember: vokuhila. Acronym for Vorne Kurz, Hinten Lang (translated: front short, back long).

    The Dutch word is “matje” which translates into “small carpet”.

    0

    The small carpet translation made me think of Vladimir Karpets, who sported a world class mullet by the way.

     

     

  • Since this thread has been revived, I guess I have to post this. Circa 1995. That's me in the middle with my Hollands and denim shorts.

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