Whenever something tries to be something it isn’t, you wind up getting into trouble. Those Cutlass Cruisers in the 70’s and 80’s with vinyl wood panelling weren’t fooling anyone. Neither are those linoleum tiles in my kitchen; not one person in history has ever mistaken them for being marble. And Lycra has never tricked anyone into believing it was a pair of jean shorts. Despite the extra effort to add a fly and pockets to them.

Which brings up an important point. Looking Pro is not the same as Looking Fantastic. They mostly just stumble into looking cool because they’re on their bikes so much that everything becomes natural for them. But Pros frequently look completely crap, often because their sponsors are paying them to wear something no one in their right mind would ever wear. Like denim-printed bib shorts. But sometimes, when you’re baller enough, you can pull off the most horrendous of kit and still Look Fantastic.

Pantani is the only rider on the long list of those who rode for Carrera who ever pulled off this look. Shit, he even pulled off the all-denim-print long sleeve jersey. He might even have special-ordered it, just to prove he could do it.

Don’t try this at home, kids. You are not this cool, and you can not pull off that look. Pencils down, class dismissed.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @Chris

    @Stephen

    Never in doubt.

    You were either posting pictures of yourself dressed as a Mario Bros mushroom to random internet sites or you’ve missed every point ever made on this one.

    Either way, it’s quite a remarkable achievement. Chapeau.

    Espresso spat onto keyboard

  • @frank

    (From the original post)

    "They mostly just stumble into looking cool because they’re on their bikes so much that everything becomes natural for them. But Pros frequently look completely, often because their sponsors are paying them to wear something no one in their right mind would ever wear."

    Pros look completely what? I can stand the suspense.

    For the record, I would look like a complete tool in that Carrera kit. I'm not sure I don't look a tool in my club kit, although I like to tell myself I look pro and awesome. Reality, delusion, what's the difference?

  • @VeloJello

    @Teocalli

    @Stephen

    I fixed your post………….

    Tidy work sir, tidy work.

    Fixed? I still see a yachting enthusiast wearing Team New Zealand Americas Cup lucky red socks and rugby boots about to mow the lawns...

  • @frank

    @Oli

    Fuck yeah faux jeans

    Cappuchino gets away with this on two counts: 1) he's Italian and 2) the polka dots are so loud and dominant that they distract the eye away from the "denim" shorts.

    Really, it should be the French who started this look as the word denim is sourced from a cloth known as serge de Nimes.

    Castorama was naff, but I still maintain a quiet liking for AG2R's kit.

  • @osbk67

    Lace-ups were good enough for The Prophet (not that he had much choice) so as long as the bike is of a suitable era and riding clips I see no sin.  In fact I have a pair (though not so shiny) for riding The Butler.  As they say, Cuff and Tails should match so I trust @stephen also has leather gloves with string backs.

  • Those Carrera bikes are uber though.  I have a hankering for a steel bike in white with chrome forks and chainstay.  Came close to buying another project a couple of weeks back for a vintage track bike but the VMW was not too keen till I clear out some old parts and ski gear I no longer need to give me the base budget.

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