Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @Marcus

    @frank in relation to such matters, and in spite of Rule #42, i have quite possibly found a reason to breach said rule.

    Couple of friends did the Challenge Roth on the weekend (a very famous German iron-distance triathlon, just not run by Ironman) - other than the Solarer Berg which is like a mini TdF col with fans and beer, those crazy Germans also have something else. Unisex showers at the end of the race. That's right, unisex showers!!!!!

    The fellas cannot recall ever being cleaner.

    ... and the shower supervisor made sure everyone got really clean...

  • @frank

    @Xyverz

    But judging by the photos that @Erik just posted, Froome-froome is definitely not utilizing The V-locus, but does it really matter? The guy is being a full-on monster this year.

    Does it really matter? DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

    Have you forgotten where you are? This is Velominati. This is what we do, for fucks sake. The fact that he's going batshit fast only makes his unappealing position marginally less offensive.

    You gotta admit, he looks completely fucking pro standing up on the top step in yellow. =)

  • @Xyverz

    Aside from the unnecessarily long shorts, yes.

    Which reminds me, he also has toad head. That's a clear violation of the Three-Point System.

    As long as we're on the subject, Movistar's Bug Eyed Sprite Adidas shades are deplorable. Can't anyone besides Oakley make a good-look pair of shades?

  • @Ron

    As humans, we are all different. So he looks different from the "regular" rider and maybe taking a different approach, but so what. Is he doing what he wants and well on his way to reaching his goal?

    New to this neck of the woods I take it !

  • @Gianni

    Froome should ride your bike, that would help.

    He has the rib cage of a high altitude sherpa, arms of a person who never uses them and long skinny legs. It is another good thing about cycling, the bike is the great equalizer of body types. It doesn't matter your body type; if you can go bat-shiet fast, you are winning. He is built like a tall climber yet he can time trial like Tony Martin, almost. Thank god he can't sprint.

    Except up Mont Ventoux.

  • @frank

    WRT eyewear  - I agree.  Movistar get just about everything right in their kit (Pinarello & Campa is a good start) and then fail on the glasses.  If they were just black or navy blue they might pass but they are not and they do not.  It would seem their doping program is being similarly neglected.  Except Quintana who does not need dope because he exists on a diet of pure cocaine.

  • @Buck Rogers

    @Oldnslowly

    Oh come on! He's in yellow, he's gained a minute and a half on his rivals, and he attacks the only man left standing to win the stage by thirty seconds. The Ventoux on the hundredth tour. What does he have to do to impress lesser cyclists. I despair...

    Not sure about lesser cyclist but for Velominati he needs to look fuck'in FANTASTIC while doing it.

    This

  • Fuck Sir Christopher is fast, his climbing speed is perhaps only matched by Pantani, here the similarity ends, in fact I don't think anyone rides a bike like he does, it actually makes me wince to watch it, some of his accelerations looked like I'd pressed ffwd, the man has not come from no where to the top of his game, you only have to look at him to see he's rockin some pretty unique physiology, he was born at altitude, he was probably the strongest at TDF last year as well, I think he has earned his place fair and square. It's a bit like... God there's nothing like it, it's wrong wrong wrong make it stop, please someone, any one, please...

  • @VeloVita

    @Ron

    As humans, we are all different. So he looks different from the "regular" rider and maybe taking a different approach, but so what. Is he doing what he wants and well on his way to reaching his goal?

    I'm more disturbed at the fact that it seems we now have two Rons...

    Very disturbing indeed. There's an unauthorised @Chris operating on this page as well.

    I suppose it's my fault really for not choosing something unique like @sleevelessspeedoboyinMelbourne or @deviantincanberra.

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