I can’t really call it an obsession. If it was an obsession, I would have commissioned a bloke I’ve never met to build me a set of ultra-light wheels and I would have spent an outrageous amount of money to upgrade my handlebars in an identical shape from aluminum to carbon in an effort to shave a few grams off the top end of my machine. After all, science has proven that buying lighter gear is a more effective strategy for climbing faster than that weight-weenie bullshit like quitting beer or steak.
Alright, so maybe I’m obsessed. But it’s not an all-consuming obsession – not obsessive obsession. Its more like a weighty thought that bends all the other less weighty thoughts towards it, like Einstein described why gravity bends light. It started less than a single Cognitive Unit after the VMH informed me of my time up the mountain on Part Deux. (A Cognitive Unit, obviously, is the unit of time it takes one to process any piece of information after the dishing up of a massive helping of Rule V.) It was around that time that my thoughts started warping towards riding Haleakala again – faster.
It started in low, then it started to grow. No, I’m not quoting How the Grinch Stole Christmas; I’m describing what happened after my gut was accosted by the Holiday Season. I’m fat, I’m out of shape, and I’m slow. What training I’ve been doing has been done in Seattle around the freezing point in stubbornly wet weather. Maui, on the other hand, insists on having warm weather – something I’m unaccustomed to – and the forecast for the coming week is hot, hot, and hotter. Despite Ryder Hesjedal setting the record up the climb during this time of year, the conventional wisdom around these here parts is that this is the worst time of year to try for a personal record up Haleakala.
You will understand, then, that this is the perfect time for me to leave a lung or two on Crater Road for the third time running. Assuming the weather holds and D.S. @Gianni, Coach VMH (whose “coaching” consists mostly of chastising and comparing me to small and adorable yet unwanted rodents), and @MauiBike fail to come up with compelling reasons to move the effort to another date, I will be visiting Pele for the third time on New Years Day, 2013.
Prognosticate on my upcoming ride at your own risk. For your reading and viewing entertainment, the two previous editions of Frank vs. The Volcano are provided here: Frank vs. The Volcano // Frank vs. The Volcano, Part Deux.
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
I can confirm that The VMH's coaching is effective.
She cheered for me at Frank's first cyclocross race and I finished ahead of him.
@slpchacha IIV is two less than 5, so it's his third run Up Haleakala.
@nickleggs
I know that sweat-fest of a climb very well. I used to live in Kekaha and that is about it for climbing on Kauai. The descent is a real mutha for-ya, too much fun.
Director Sportif report: The kid is strong as a sasquatch. I took him on the wettest group ride even he had ever been on yesterday. Early into the ride he rode next to me and inquired why everybody wasn't in the big ring (like he was) on all the climbs. I thought he was fucking with me but no, he was serious. No doubt he will put up a new personal record tomorrow.
He has the right amount of dumb and an over abundance of power. This should be fun. For me. In the car.
Good luck Frank. Looking forward to the video report.
@Gianni
Getting to know Frank over the past year or so, the more he complains about being "out of shape and fat", it actually means he's in better shape than ever.
He should do well tomorrow. If he doesn't give it his all, shove him off of his bike. But do it onto the area of the climb where the grass fields are, rather than the sharp jagged rocks - we don't want him too banged up.
Good luck, Frank. That you're even attempting this tells me you won't have any problem leaving the brain behind tomorrow.
Some people will think of any excuse to avoid drinking in the New Year. Good V and avoid the Hammer.
Found myself thinking of Maui and a little heat this morning as I fought snowdrifts and strong winds on the road. Best of luck with round IIV
@mcsqueak
i think you're right. It's not the heat, it's the humility.
I predict IIV:IIIVVIII (and a visit from the Ministry of Roman Numerals)
@G'rilla
Frank will need the encouragement!
@Gianni
Great DS report Gianni. Maybe my poorly thought out sponsorship will work out!
Sur La Plaque, Franktard! (I will breathing heavy just thinking of it...)
@Gianni You should take off his inner chainring while he's sleeping tonight. He won't be using it anyway and it will save a few grams.