The Bikes

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The Bike. It is the central tool in pursuit of our craft. A Velominatus meticulously maintains their bicycles and adorns them with the essential, yet minimal, accoutrement. The Rules specify the principles of good taste in configuration and setup of our machines, but within those principles lies almost infinite room for personal taste.

It seems in some ways like a kind of Stockholm Syndrome, the way we honor our machines. We love them to a point that lies well beyond obsession. Upon these machines upon we endure endless suffering, but also find an unending pleasure. The rhythm, the harmony between rider and machine, the outdoors, the wind in our faces and air in our lungs.

The Bikes is devoted entirely to our machines. Ours, The Keepers, and yours, the Community. It features articles devoted to our bikes, and proves a forum for uploading photos of your own machines for discussion. We will be harsh, but fair; this is a place to enforce and enhance our observation of The Rules.

If you’d like to submit an article about your own beloved bike, please feel free to send it to us and we’ll do our best to work with you to include it.

  • On Rule #12: The Bike #1 Paradox This helps make a bike special.The only parents who proclaim to have a favorite child are the ones who have only one; all the other ones pretend they don’t have a favorite because they are each “different and special in their own way”. It’s complete bollocks, that, and we all know every parent does in fact have a favorite, but we ...
  • In Memoriam: The Funny Bike The FunnybikeSummer, it appears, has been snatched abruptly from Seattle’s grasp, like a squeak toy from a puppy’s mouth. A week ago, we were setting record temperatures which were sadly playing their role in producing the worst wildfire season the state has ever seen. On the plus side, I haven’t ridden my Nine Bike in so long both its ...
  • Guest Article: Testing Rule #12 The MasterIf Rule #12 does not smolder deep in your soul, you might not be a Velominatus. I’ll still be riffling through bike magazine porn, from the inevitable wheelchair, in the old folks home. Some of us have hidden new bikes from our better halves. Every known bit of subterfuge has been employed to downplay the ...
  • La Vie Velominatus: Santoku The three virtues: Mind, Body, Machine.In Japanese, “Santoku” means “Three Virtues”. Exactly which three virtues it is referring to is unclear, but I am fascinated by the idea of a single word with such a rich, if ambiguous, meaning. I have several kitchen knives that goes by this name, and within the scope of knives the three virtues are generally accepted to ...
  • Weight Weenies Parting the waters on a 24 pound bike.My bike weighs about 6 kilos. It is no waify little thing either, with it having a 61cm frame and and three stories of seatpost. It has beefy tubes, a stiff bottom bracket and steerer, and deep section wheels which are laced 3x in the back and 2x in front. This bike has never made me go faster; ...
  1. @Teocalli

    @EBruner

    @Barracuda

    I wondered that also! At closer examination of the photo, it is actually a helmeted head, behind a dude with a cap, making it look like a chefs hat.

    Who was it that supposedly said “Never let the facts get in the way of a good story”

    …and I like the young Bernie Hinault in second to last position. As Selleck tightens the toeclips and straps around the Nike tennis shoes, he senses that Selleck is about to make his move and is ready to pounce.

  2. First post on here, may as well be my bike, ridley and had it for a couple of months loving the stealth of it

  3. Weird (and frustrating) mechanical yesterday. Had to bail halfway through a ride after cresting a climb and not being able to shift out of the 28, there was absolutely no tension in the up shift lever.

    Rolled down the hill to the lbs & the mechanic had it fixed in seconds. Thanks to Shimano’s design that has everything move when you downshift at the back (e.g. using the brake lever), it has to disengage the upshift lever & then re-engage it after the shift is complete…unfortunately that second step never happened & I was left to limp back to the shop unable to pedal once I got above 20kph!

  4. @Teocalli

    @EBruner

    @Barracuda

    I wondered that also! At closer examination of the photo, it is actually a helmeted head, behind a dude with a cap, making it look like a chefs hat.

    Who was it that supposedly said “Never let the facts get in the way of a good story”

    That’s the angle I was coming from. Sadly the sarcasm font is not working

  5. @rxjones77

    I love black bikes. Beauty. Cheers.

  6. Well I guess I am not fucking famous. Jaegher used a quote of mine in thier marketing material. Fuck Yeah!

  7. @EBruner

    Awesome!

  8. “I own and ride some of the most expensive frames being made today.”

    Quite an accompli$hment. Kudos.

  9. @pistard

    “I own and ride some of the most expensive frames being made today.”

    Quite an accompli$hment. Kudos.

    It was an off hand comment I made to Kurt at Jaegher about how great his frames are, and they used on the Jaegher website. I thought it was cool to be quoted. but, thanks for the input…….

  10. @EBruner

    I was being a jackass and taking it out of context. Sorry.

  11. @EBruner

    Well now, there’s a nice little feather for your cap!

    Nothing against carbon fibre frames, but I have never owned one, nor do I intend to. Steel is the real deal, and boy, those jaegher frames are something to behold.

  12. Shoveling out from winter storm Jonas. Ready to ride! HTFU!

  13. Cool little side story to come out of the TDU this week, T-Bone crashed on the descent leading to a pretty decisive climb on stage 3. Took off down the road after being passed by the support cars, went to shift & tore his rear derailleur off. Couple of punters following the caravan saw him at the side of the road & offered their bike & shoes for him to finish the stage!

    http://cyclingtips.com/2016/01/bikes-of-the-bunch-tyler-farrars-rescue-bike/

  14. Came across this on the book of faces. Says a lot about the strength of a carbon frame though the non drive side chainstay seems to be broken at the dropout. That’s not a good day for someone.

  15. @Teocalli

    Came across this on the book of faces. Says a lot about the strength of a carbon frame though the non drive side chainstay seems to be broken at the dropout. That’s not a good day for someone.

    It does make you wonder why he was trying to drive his car into the Bike Room!

    A friend fell of his Aerolight in last years Tour of Cambridgeshire, by the time the bunch had run it over it didn’t look as good as the one above.

  16. @chuckp

    Shoveling out from winter storm Jonas. Ready to ride! HTFU!

    Very nice how the snow makes a perfect bike stand. But you left it on the small dog for the photo. Demerits noted. Time to break out the XC skis, eh???

  17. @EBruner

    @frank

    Here is a pic of my rad tape wrapping ability back in 1985. Damn I miss Celo tape! And my youth!

    -Eddie

    Now THAT’s an ice cream bucket on your head…

  18. Good lord, Eddie! Quoted by those folks?! Amazing. Also, I yearn to own a bike named The Interceptor.

    Knew about the book, had never seen this:

    http://cycling-jersey-collection.com/browse-collection/

  19. Velocolour – Noah Rosen delivers a total Merckx whiteout

  20. @Puffy

    Yeah, I still have that helmet hanging in my parents basement!

    -Eddie

  21. Velocolour – Noah Rosen awesomeness. This will be one hell of a build for myself.

    Most all components will be dominantly black other than a featured anodized grey 3ttt Record stem and anodized grey 3ttt Super Competition bars — Merckx bend.

  22. Super Competizione

  23. @universo These teaser photos are exactly that.. I’d traveled over to the Velocolour site for more but alas was nothing there? Something tells me that this ride will be really, really nice. Cheers!

  24. @wilburrox

    Facebook [scroll]

  25. @universo

    Nice. The white really excentuates the beauty of the frame details.

    Used to have a set of those bars. Alas, I found the drops way too deep for me, so I sold them on. I still regret it to this day. It’s practically sacrelige to wrap them with tape, they are that beautiful.

  26. Accentuates!

    Curse this phone. Excentuate is not even a real word.

  27. @Teocalli

    Well this sucks if true.

    http://pelotonmagazine.com/feedzone/femke-van-den-driessche-motor-discovered-found-in-u23-woman-bicycle-zolder-2016-cyclocross-world-championships/

    If this is the case, it should be a life time ban, not 6 months. To me, motor doping is far worse than the cheating all the other riders are doing.

  28. @Teocalli

    Well HELL! Yup, confirmed this morning.

    http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/uci-confirms-motorised-doping-uncovered-at-cyclo-cross-world-championships/

    Nice fucking family, eh? Brother is currently suspended as well for doping. Wonder what Grannie is up to at the races? Throwing tacks under the others racers tires???

  29. Well there was I thinking CXers were a cut above all that nonsense.

    Just a thought, if van den driessche is only the first to be caught, then who the fuck else has been doing it? This news lends serious support to all those previous claims of motor doping, which I admittedly always thought were a bit far-fetched.

  30. …..and the daft excuses start. My mechanic cleaned a friend’s bike and nether of us noticed I’d got the wrong one. Some mechanic.

  31. Watch the young lady simply smash it up the Koppenberg

    Nahhhh… no motor in that bike ?!?

  32. @wilburrox

    Watch the young lady simply smash it up the Koppenberg

    Nahhhh… no motor in that bike ?!?

    Whoa! That was “impressive!” Koppenberg? Nae problem with my hidden friend. I find the rider’s excuses to be bullshit. Apart from being responsible for your equipment, the whole “it was my old bike that belonged to a friend that somehow ended up in my pit being taken care of by my mechanic, and oh, by the way, my friend never changed any of the settings on my bike so I didn’t notice it” is lame to put it mildly. Ok, so she didn’t start the race on the doped bike, but why would you? You need that extra help towards the end when you’re getting tired or as a wee “pick me up” switch-out during the race. Ban her for life.

  33. @Teocalli

    Was already getting worried that this site had not picked up on this news. Learnt a lot today about mechanical doping by just looking at a couple of sites. 2700-3000 EUR and you’re in business (ah well, as a pro, you’d be Out of Business then of course). I was surprised that such a motor can give you 150-200 Watts extra, that’s huge. I read months before an article referring to 5-10 watts, which when it counts, still helps. We need new words for the Lexicon me thinks: “To pull a FvdD”: defraud competition with lousiest of arguments that it wasn’t me.

  34. @wiscot

    What I have not been able to detect: did she use the e-bike at all during this race?

  35. @KogaLover

    @wiscot

    What I have not been able to detect: did she use the e-bike at all during this race?

    I don’t think she actually did, but I suppose it’s the equivalent of finding a bunch of syringes and other pills in a rider’s suitcase. May not have been used, but sure shows intent.

    Frankly, I think that after her display on the Koppenberg and her brother’s issues, she was under “observation.”

  36. And if the UCI sniffed her out as a result of Strava uploads and power meter data…seems like one more reason to just ride your bike and forget about data! (though in this case it helped catch a cheater, but my point was to confirm that being a Cycluddite is the way to go)

  37. @sthilzy

    I assume it’s matching fake gold?

  38. @sthilzy

    A bike that screams: “I attack with my wallet!”

  39. @Quasar

    A bike that is flat out ugly. But I’m a a guy that likes black bikes.

  40. Gross. Hideous.

  41. @sthilzy

    Have a look at Vino’s bling bike!

    I wonder if it has Kolobnev’s name on the top tube in tribute?

  42. @sthilzy

    @Oli

    @wilburrox

    Golden Turd?

  43. It’s a shame after the recent motor bike discovery that folks are still choosing to give Vino press coverage. Tune out and it’ll be easier to make him go away.

  44. @sthilzy

    Have a look at Vino’s bling bike!

    If Donald Trump rode a bike, it would look like this.

  45. @wiscot

    @sthilzy

    Have a look at Vino’s bling bike!

    If Donald Trump rode a bike, it would look like this.

    If Donald Trump rode a bike it’d probably make him a much more likeable person.

  46. @sthilzy

    Have a look at Vino’s bling bike!

    Vino is know to sport the “gold chains, skinny designer jeans, and white hightop sneaker ” look, so the gold bike is about right. Plays big in Khazakstan, I guess.

  47. @Oli

    Gross. Hideous.

    I know, I hate that seat post, too.

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