Velominati Super Prestige: Tour de France Stage 17

Jens the Barbarian descends on a loaner bike with toe clips; Photo: Fyxomatosis

At one point [Conan the Barbarian], and his other old warrior friends capture this village, but then they find that they are surrounded by an army of tens of thousands, and his only reaction is, “Oh man, it’s going to take days to kill all these people!” – Jens Voigt

This (paraphrased) passage from Terry Pratchett’s parody of the famous character helped Jens struggle through a stage that would have seen weaker men climb into the broom wagon. But struggle through he did, and he should swing his leg over the top tube of his (own) bike again at the start line of Stage 17.

I look at this photo and realize that I’m a sick man. I see his blood-soaked clothes and body, and the first thing I say to myself is, “How did he get his Speedplay cleats to stay in those old pedals? And check out those sweet old Campy Chorus alu Ergos! I’ve been looking for a pair of those!”

But I digress. The inaugural Velominati Super Prestige launches it’s third VSP Sub-Competition with Stage 17 of the Tour de France. The competition will allow contestants the opportunity to win bonus points in the VSP Tour de France by choosing the top three finishers of the stage for a chance to win 3 points for first place, 2 for second, and 1 for third.

Stage 17 should prove to be the most decisive stage of the race, providing Brother Grimpeur the Younger his final legitimate opportunity to win this Tour de France while – in theory at least – Bertie YouTube needs to do little more than defend his position to be almost assured of taking his third crown. Schleck said during the rest day that the first man to reach La Mongie atop the Tourmalet will win this Tour; will Grimpito set off the Guns of Navarone and take enough time in order to stave off the inevitable surge from Contador in the final time trial on Saturday? Or will the Climbing Paella launch a surprise attack to prove he is the strongest climber in this years Tour, taking time out of Schleck before the time trial?

Make your picks for the top three of the day by the time tomorrow’s stage starts, regular VSP Rules apply. Good luck!

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Nathan Edwards says:

Jul 21 2010 at 10:13 am

Oh frank... you've kept me waiting ALL day for this (it's 6pm here)...

My fantasy picks would be
1. Grimpito
2. Twiggo losing 20s in the last km
3. Roman showing his true colours
Bertie YouTube losing 5 minutes when Grimpito launches his first attack on the Soulor

But sadly reality will have to take hold (I have yet to get ANY points in any VSP yet... so)
1. Grimpito
2. Bertie
3. Munchoff
andy says:

Jul 21 2010 at 11:39 am

1. Andy - seriously, gotta go if he wants to win this tour. has got to show bertie who is boss and attack until he drops himself. otherwise he'll become a super skinny jan ullrich and be second place for the next 10 years
2. The silent assassin
3. Bertie
andy says:

Jul 21 2010 at 11:40 am

Oh yeah, Jens is truly the hardest of all modern era hardmen. my hero. Kinda want to get his (blood covered) face tattooed on my back
Rob says:

Jul 21 2010 at 1:10 pm

What the #@$%& I am just going to say its going to be a cluster fry and one of the no hopers will take a shot at it... not exactly no hopers but the Schlong-Cuntador show is so expected and since they are young and not on the same drugs as the old, I mean young, Pharmweak. This may be the edge I need now that my #1 pick (yes I took a chance on Lance after the tour de Swiss when he just tired himself out and did not have the good juice of old) is showing that he is just mortal. So some sentimental picks...
A. Kloeden
Gesink
Horner
Kermitpunk says:

Jul 21 2010 at 1:59 pm

My first question was what on earth was that bike doing in the truck in the first place??

1. Grimpito
2. Bad Boy Bertie
3. Rodriguez

Hoping that Moreau is in the breakaway and collects points to steal the dotted jumper. That would be a very cool way to ride into the sunset.
Hawkeye says:

Jul 21 2010 at 2:17 pm

Contador because he's just better
Grimp the Gimp because he's just not
Van Den Broek because he's too dumb to know he shouldn't be going with these two freaks of nature.
Brett says:

Jul 21 2010 at 5:31 pm

Odor
Gimp
Menchov
Velomihottie says:

Jul 21 2010 at 5:36 pm

Well I'm a long time lurker and thought it was about time I made a comment or two.

Oh Jens...what an absolute bloody legend! I don't think rule 5 goes far enough to describe him. Perhaps there needs to be an addition to the rules just called Jens - nothing more needs to be elaborated on! He is the ultimate hardman and his analogy with Conan the Barbarian was another pearler to add to his long list of quotable quotes.

No point in this velomihottie putting in her tips for the super prestige given I'm not in the competition. I"d hoped Cadelephant would come out of his pain barrier and smash it in the Pyrenees but I think there is as much chance of that happening as Jens acting like a sissy girl and getting in the broomwagon tomorrow. I'm putting a curler out there and saying Martinez will take it out for the carrot warriors of Euskadi - other than Sanchez they have been a little bit too quiet for the pyrenees stage up to date. Taking out 2nd and 3rd will be Grimpito and Bertie.

What are the chances of Jens going up front in a breakaway! Broken ribs are overrated afterall!
Marcus says:

Jul 21 2010 at 5:49 pm

1. Grimp (but not by enough)
2. Contador @ 0:27
3. Gesink @ 1:42

Its gonna be a showdown that the grimp will finally win and regain the lead. But only by 19 seconds. Contador then beats him in the time trial by about 45 seconds to take the GC by about 26 secs. Less than the time gained at Chaingate and thus it becomes an issue for the ages.
Geof says:

Jul 21 2010 at 6:31 pm

@Velomihottie
Welcome. Love the idea of a Rule which just said "Jens". Worth serious consideration. A possible argument against it, though, is that there would then need to be a Rule which just says "Eddy". And then it's almost certain that some wanker would insist on one that just says "Lance". At which point we'd be honour bound to go Conan-the-Barbarian on them and beat them to death with specially hardened copies of "It's Not About the Bike (Because It's All About Me)". And that would threaten to disturb the calm, refined ambience of this site. Maybe instead there should be a Rule 5A - "No matter how much you obey Rule 5, you'll never be even remotely close to Jens or Eddy (but that shouldn't stop you trying.)"?

Anyway - my (not very imaginative) picks:

1. The Grimpster. (He and PistolError are so closely matched, but PistolError will assume that he doesn't need to win the stage in order to win the GC so will not bury himself as much as Grimpito.)

2. PistolError.

3. J-Rod.