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As an ex-muso and DJ, I thought my days of rockin' out, layin' down some beats and droppin' tracks were well behind me. Then, last week I received a curious email from our esteemed community member, Geof. Curious, because he was now referring to himself as the “G'Phant”, and informed me that we (meaning him and I) were booked into a recording studio in a few days time. What. The. Fuck?

Of course Frank was replying to the emails in his usual manic manner with all kinds of “fucking RAD dudes” as is his wont. A further scroll revealed a set of lyrics in the rap vein, which soon had a huge grin splitting my dial. Of course I was in, you don't have to ask me twice to embarrass myself.

G'Phant flashes the Sign o' the Merckx

I rolled up to the studio on the Tricross, as G'Phant arrived in style in his flash red V8 Commodore (a Pontiac GTO kinda-thing for you Yanks), in true Lawyer-Ghetto stylez. Mike the engineer played a few drum tracks, and we picked an appropriate beat for our vocal meat. The Notorious G informed me he had arranged a female vocalist to sing (as opposed to our caterwauling and grunting) the chorus, and the bombshell soon-to-be-dubbed Newz took over the room with her outstanding pipes. We needed someone to make us sound good, and Newz certainly delivered the good news. G'Phant laid down some bass grooves on the synth, and we were starting to sound like we knew what we were doing. Or maybe that was Mike weaving his magic.

BrettOK in full compliance with Rule #37

It was a blast! We couldn't stop grinning, from the brilliant interpretation of the key Rules by Geof, the passable imitations of ghetto rappers by a couple of skinny white boys (well, old men really), and the general good times that creating music brings. Beware; Frank is arranging a video shoot as we rap, I mean speak, and Merckx knows what he is capable of…

*Thanks to Mike at Trident Studios, Wellington for his time and patience, to Newz for her time and talent, and Geof for being a freakin nut and writing the awesome lyrics, booking the studio and making this happen. Loved it.

Presenting: Obey The Rules (Welly White Boy Edit) by GangstaPhant featuring BrettOK and Newz.


Download: Obey the Rules

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// General // The Rules

  1. DOOOOOOOOOOOODS, I don’t don’t have speakers on my computer so I had to wait until my office mate showed up to listen to it. That is freakin’ killer! I foresee world domination by the Velominati. A Velominati ProTour Team, and a Velominati IPA, and a Velominati Visa Card, and Velominati Sex Toys, and Velominati…

  2. This is fucking brilliant. Or, as Frank might exclaim: FUCKING BRILLIANT. I can’t wait to listen to it after work. Yo, G’Phant I like the way you make The Sign, man…all casual and like. The lyrics…inspired. I am in awe. What a great fucking idea that opens up all kinds of wonder in the realm of possibilities…I humbly bow down.

  3. @Cyclops The Velominati MasterCard — Red 3M Electrical Tape: $2.00, Baxter’s Super Close Shave Formula: $16.00, 2010 Zipp 404 Carbon Clincher Wheelset: $2700…Observing The V: PRICELESS

  4. I am so glad you guys posted these pics. This is really something else. You guys seemed to really have a blast, and applying Rule #37 to the cans, I am humbled by your dedication to The Order. Wow.

    I have to ask: is there a law on that side of the world that prevents males from having hair?

    Thanks for giving this to us, guys, this is truly a hoot. I listened to this about 90 times.

  5. @KitCarson

  6. @G’phant, @Brett
    The little details like the phrases being called out during the chorus are just awesome.

    Who can get them all? There are some gems in there.

    And whoever is saying the big race names and climbs at the end, your pronunciation is excellent. Well done.

  7. Cyclops :

    I want to moved to Australia sooooo bad. I kick myself in the ass all the time that I didn’t go down there when I spent two years on Okinawa in the USMC.

    If you move to Australia, you won’t be able to hang in da hood wiv da bros… G’Phant and OK live in NZ. I’m an Aussie, but moved to Wellington almost 4 years ago (for 3 months mind you, but it is riding heaven and I’m still here). Every time I go back to Aus, I realise that NZ is the place to be.

    Geof recorded the end bits, my idea, I had to bail by then… I so wanted to go back later and do them too, in fact I would’ve loved 3 days in there tweakin around!

  8. NZ is all the better.

  9. Hey Brett did you throw that extra “T” on there just to throw us off? Your really Bret from Flight of the Conchords right?

    Brett and Geof – Bret and Jermaine

    It’s all making sense now.

    “Mr. Mojo Risin’.”

  10. now thats what I am talking about. nice work!

  11. @Brett @G’Phant @Cyclops I met a Kiwi hottie at a hot springs last weekend and we hit it off quite nicely. She couldn’t have said nicer things about NZ. She suggested that I would find what I was not finding in the States there…super cool, that one. I have to say, she’s got me thinking about checking it out at some point next year…

  12. @Brett
    Sending Massive Respect across the Tasman Sea*. Hilarious. From now on, every time I get passed by someone, I will silently dismiss them with, “they don’t know how to train”.

    * Cyclops, that’s the 2,000km stretch of ocean that separates Australia from NZ! And you were in the USMC stationed in Okinawa? Am guessing you didn’t spend a lot of time in the map room! If you want, go to NZ, introduce yourself to the biggest blokes you can find nearby (Maoris) and tell them how pleased you are to meet some real Aussies. They might lay some gangsta shit of their own on you (or just get hold of a copy of “Once Were Warriors”).

    And Frank, think you should formalise a rule on the requirement for Down Under Velominatus to be sans hair on head and legs. I already obey this one too.

  13. Thanks, fellow Velominati. And thanks, in particular, to Brett for the post (and his inspired contributions) and to Newz for, well, making it bearable to listen to. It was a blast.

    @KitCarson A++1. Love it.

    @frank Baldness rocks. And it saves weight on the climbs.

    @Cyclops Sadly we are not Bret and Jermaine. This being Wellington, I did meet them once. My stag do (= buck’s night) was one of their early gigs (I am sure that playing to 12 pissed cycnics is a much more challenging gig than 20,000 adoring and largely sober fans). I distinguished myself by relieving them of their guitar and singing an impromptu blues song about the paintball injuries I’d suffered earlier in the day. It was apparent to the chaps assembled that the Conchords had a future in the musical comedy business. And that I didn’t.

    @Cyclops Your geographical oversights are forgiven. Any man who can dream total world domination in the way you do (USMC training paying off?) has little need of an atlas.

    One small carpiing point: my car is certainly a disgrace to my profession, but it is not a V8. It is a more sedate straight 6. And it has an “Obey the Rules” bumper sticker (decal?) proudly displayed. Can’t attach the photo but will send to Frank to post.

  14. @G’phant

    Didn’t realise NZ had high-rise carparks yet?

  15. @G’phant
    Rollin’ dirty. Rule #3 (of Marko’s personal Rules) no vanity plates. No judgements whatsoever though, they’re my personal rules.

  16. Apologies for the delayed silence: I’m still gobsmacked by it all. In an awe-filled way…

  17. @Marko
    That’s actually not his license plate. In an effort to protect his privacy and also to make his car more awesome, I photoshop’d it.

    Yes, I’m that awesome.

    I have to say, I’m humbled that he put that sticker on that gorgeous car.

  18. @frank
    Damn you Frank. I was thinking Geof was even more of a stud because he had a bitching stoopid vanity plate on his sweet car. That and the Obey The Rules bumper sticker, he was really a player, rolling around Wellington, parking in his lawyer parking space, driving the kids…but no. Another dream shattered.

    He should have that plate.

  19. I take enough shit driving the muscle car as it is. A anti late would likely see me barred from the car parking building. And as it is Wellington’s only multiple story building that would be a shame …

  20. Woah, I don’t really know what to write. I’m kind of speechless.

    I also don’t know if I’m happy that I know so many of the references (and sad about the few I don’t get) or if I’m sad and know way too much bike-geek-speak lingo.

  21. @Ron
    That’s almost exactly the reaction I expect people to have. The level of detail and incorporation of little bits of conversation that is included is brilliant.

    I’ve had the chorus in my head for about three days now. That, and Brett saying, “They’re not the same!” in response to “No stickers, only decals…”

  22. How about giving us a downloadable link so we can pot Obey the Rules on our iPods?

  23. @Cyclops
    Great idea. Obey the Rules.

  24. What do we use as a username/password?

  25. @Cyclops
    Crap. Trying to get all fancy. Here, this is old-school until I have time to be fancy again. Obey the Rules

  26. Bellissima!

  27. @Pedale.Forchetta
    Grazie mille!

  28. A-MERCKX!

  29. Took a looooong while to listen to this. Like a lot. Good work, guys.

  30. Yeah!

    “Play it again Sam…”

  31. Great work!
    There is also a German band called “Schlammbein” (= mud leg).
    Check it out (even if you don’t understand a single word):
    “Dunkel, kalt und hart”, “Mann ohne Gang”, “Penis of Steel”.
    But it’s all about cycling!
    And you probably know already: “Performace” & “Get Dirty”(?)

  32. @grumbledook
    Gonna have to to take your word for it re the subject matter. As is my wife. Lying n bed, catching up on a week’s worth of Velominati (we’re in Queensland for a bit), and now having to explain why I am listening to a song in German about a penis of steel. Apparently it’s pathetic. And maybe childish, too. Strong work.

  33. LOL. This is the Babelfish translation. It is ridiculous but gives you an idea:

    You say “ždowntown “, but you mean only “žcity center “, you drink Energy drink. The jeans tucked up and you look like a dork, on your head a Brooklyn Cap thront. You are so mad and convinced of you, but there is something, that has only we. We’ve got A penis OF steel – A cock OF rock, we’ve got A penis OF steel. We’ve got A penis OF steel – A cock OF rock, we’ve got A penis OF steel. With whatever in your Messengerbag sweats you through ‘nen themselves to Alleycat After drinks work already times a Alco Pop, are uniform as from the CoPy shop. Who knows so actual one it understands, that drives also motorboat on excavator lakes. Without A penis OF steel – A cock OF rock, without A penis OF steel. Without got A penis OF steel – A cock OF rock, without A got penis OF steel. Fixed is fucked – and you know which that is, a nincompoop on its free-wheel shits. Fixed is fucked – and as much is clear the road without you were marvelously. You eats Tofu and we drink beer, because there is something, that has only we We’ve got A penis OF steel – A cock OF rock, we’ve got A penis OF steel. We’ve got A penis OF steel – A cock OF rock, we’ve got A penis OF steel. We’ve got A penis OF steel – A cock OF rock, we’ve got A penis OF steel. We’ve got A cock OF iron – A thickly OF brick, we’ve got A penis OF steel.

  34. @grumbledook
    Absolute fucking GOLD! I could take massive amounts of recreational hallucinogens for many years and still not come up with phrases like ‘drives also motorboat on excavator lakes’ or (my favorite) ‘Fixed is fucked … a nincompoop on its free-wheel shits’. Apparently, though, it is still childish. Sigh…

  35. And here is Babelfish on “Dunkel, kalt & hart”:

    MUD LEG – dark, cold & hard
    The truck driver likes the vices, the raster investigator loves its raster. The Indian likes his horse, Darth Vader loves its laser sword. The butcher likes the dead animal. And which we like? Pork sausage, beer and afterwards with the bicycle through the wood. Dark, hard & cold. Roads are for girls, over the field goes the trip. Dark, cold & hard. The researcher likes secret ways, January Ullrich loves the pharmacy. The Peeping Tom likes it only from a distance, the rabbit, that likes carrots. If one believes the Hinz, he likes the Kunz. And which is with us? Pork sausage, beer and afterwards with the bicycle through the wood. Dark, hard & cold. Roads are for girls, over the field goes the trip. Dark, cold & hard. … Pork sausage, beer and afterwards with the bicycle through the wood. Dark, hard & cold. Roads are for girls, over the field goes the trip. Dark, cold & hard. Pork sausage, beer and afterwards with the bicycle through the wood. Dark, hard & cold. Roads are for girls, over the field goes the trip. Dark, cold & hard.

  36. note: should be “truck” instead of “vices” (in German “DER Laster” vs “DAS Laster”)

  37. @grumbledook
    ‘january ullrich’ Marvellous. ‘february pantani’? ‘march virenque’?

  38. Babelfish makes it even funnier :)

  39. @grumbledook
    unreal, I always thought Babelfish was inaccurate, but seems they have really got it sussed now

    must copy and paste that 99 Luftballon track into it and see what Nena was actually twittering on about back then

    …..sure you didn’t just write that yourself dude? ;o)

    (no harm in it, a cock of rock, and a bicycle through the wood are entirely worthy principles)

  40. How can I get that on iTunes!!!????

  41. You should be able to download this and load it right into iTunes! It floats up on my playlist pretty regularly, and always brings a smile to my face.

  42. @frank

    You should be able to download this and load it right into iTunes! It floats up on my playlist pretty regularly, and always brings a smile to my face.

    does that only work on macs? when i open the link it just opens a new tab with the track playing on quicktime.

  43. @RedRanger
    use whatever option let’s your browser “save link as…”. Right click in Chrome.

    BTW – not sure how I missed this until now. Classic! The Starbucks slam had me rolling.

  44. @Mike @frank
    Wait, what? iTunes? You mean we could be selling this for 99c a pop? Damn. Shoulda thought of that. I could’ve been $1.88 richer by now.

    NZ is a land of coffee snobs. Those of us who live in Wellington are coffee snobs even by those standards. Woulda been wrong to leave Starbucks unscathed.

  45. Another song for the playlist.

  46. @Steampunk
    Great, now I need to add ukulele to my bike skills.

  47. @itburns
    What else are you going to do with the frame pump holders on that old steel bike? Perfect holster for a ukulele. And nothing says casually deliberate quite like plucking on a ukulele while Rule V’ing up some steep climb…

  48. Fucking awesome. Not sure how I missed this.

  49. Just stumbled across this….BIG BUMP!

  50. In the middle of a leg searing climb last week the mantra came into my head, “…The V-Cog is the sign, the bike is a tool, Eddy is the prophet, Obey the Rules…,” which was the perfect climbing cadence.

    A coincidence? I think not.

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