Dream Job

I love working on my bikes. I feel closer to them, like a samurai sharpening their blade or a soldier cleaning their pistol; this simple act of preparation prepares us for the suffering that is to come, with the notable distinction that a Cyclist chooses this suffering with no tangible consequence while the warrior faces probably death. Apart from this minor detail, the analogy feels complete.

The cathartic beauty of working on a bicycle was taught to me many years ago, by a Dutch bike shop owner named Herman in Zevenaar, the Netherlands. He had been the team mechanic for Helvetia la Suisse, a good but not extraordinary team in the late eighties. His tools were a work of art; they didn’t match, they were all different brands; some of them weren’t even real “tools”, he just made them himself, purpose built for a specific function.

His truing stand was a homemade affair constructed of metal bits to hold the wheel and a rudimentary mechanism which might have come off a medieval torture device, repurposed in this particular case to check the trueness of the wheel. There was also a micrometer attached to said thumbscrew-turned-truing stand which was so finely adjusted that should the meter not be spinning in circles, the wheel was already well within true. He never stopped trueing until the needle stopped moving.

While my dad taught me the mechanics of caring for and servicing a bicycle, Herman taught me to love doing that work. His master lesson was in the care that goes into wrapping the bars. My dad had bought a Merckx from him, and (correctly) insisted on Scott Drop-Ins as the handlebars. The challenge with those bars was that they were a bit longer than regular drop bars, and so a roll of bar tape didn’t make it all the way up. Herman, unable to tolerate the lump at the juncture of the two rolls of bar tape, meticulously spliced the two rolls together so the point of intersection was indistinguishable.

This was a crucial moment in my development as a Velominatus: bar tape should always maintain these three essential properties: be white, be clean, be perfect.

Only one of my bikes has white bar tape, and that’s Number One. But Number One always has white bar tape, never black. And all of my bikes, irrespective of its level, always has clean, perfect tape.

I have a hard time leaving the house on a dirty bike. I always wipe the chain down, and wiping the chain down usually leads to wiping the rest of the frame and the wheels down prior to departure. One simply feels better setting out on a spotless bike. This is common sense, I know.

Not to mention the pride one has in pushing the gear levers and feeling the crisp, perfect shifts escape into the drivetrain. A clean bike has loads of perfect shifts stored up, just waiting to be released; a dirty bike has nothing but mis-shifts waiting to disappoint you. A well-tuned bicycle is also a quiet bicycle, and while I always prefer to announce my arrival to anyone I might be overtaking, I do take a small degree of enjoyment in their startled surprise which belies the fact that my bicycle moves as silently as a ninja in the night, were it not for the heaving pilot.

It feels to me like a perfect job is to be a Pro Tour bike mechanic, apart from the fact that I know it’s a thankless, difficult, and demanding job. When you’re not wrenching into the wee hours of the night, you’re sitting in the team car with your head bobbling about out the passenger window and a frisky freewheel tickling your sphincter. But on the plus side, it’s the only vocation in Cycling that encourages heavy drinking and smoking combined with the liberal use of white spirits (diesel fuel).

If you can’t make it as a world class Cyclist, then hopefully you can at least make it as a death-defying alcoholic.

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87 Replies to “Dream Job”

  1. @Teocalli

    I was quietly hoping the vapours would catch the flame. It was the only vid on bike tube vulcanizing I could find!

  2. @Teocalli

    I’d suggest there is a big difference between servicing your own bike and doing it as a “dream job”, specifically that is time. I doubt it would be commercially viable to spend as much time over any work item doing it commercially as you would on your own bike.

    Exactly. The best shop mechanics are very, very good and know all the tricks of the trade to get the work done in the shortest amount of time. But they’re also not going to pay the same level of attention that any of us might working on our own bikes. That’s not to say a shop mechanic won’t get it right. They will (or at least they should). But they may not get it exactly right to the exacting standards of Velominati. You’d have to charge people way more than most would be willing to pay to do that.

  3. Another masterwork by @frank.  Thank you for this article, and the passion it generates.  To clean and care for one’s steed is to venerate it and pay reverence to our sport.  The Dignity of Man and Machine (De Hominis Dignitate et Aparatus) prevail.

  4. I love working on my bikes. I feel closer to them, like a samurai sharpening their blade or a soldier cleaning their pistol; this simple act of preparation prepares us for the suffering that is to come, with the notable distinction that a Cyclist chooses this suffering with no tangible consequence while the warrior faces probably death. Apart from this minor detail, the analogy feels complete.

    Feild stripping a rifle blindfolded, sharpening the bayonet, honing the battle ax – all ancient, honorable rituals of war I am guessing.

    Samurai sharpening their blade(s) – not so much. I would imagine like a pro getting his steed back from the team wrench, who makes a comment about his 42 tooth ring being too worn, the sword polisher would comment on the samurai’s soul…

    This article and all the comments hit the cleaning nail on the head. I am guilty of being slothful but never mechanically lax.The analogy I think of for my bike is that it is akin to Musashi’s sword while the Frank’s of the worlds bikes are like Kojiro’s. As to suffering and consequences we as cyclists do face at a minimum the chance of death and therefore have to mentally ride, as though, with our sword drawn – just saying.

  5. @Oli

    @sthilzy

    Good spotting! Yes, on a Villiger branded TVT.

    I feel ashamed at how long it took me to figure out that Time evolved out of TVT. Those were such cool, iconic frames with those stunning alu lugs.

  6. @RobSandy

    What I particularly enjoy is that the more you work on your bike the better your understanding of the machine becomes. Not long ago for me, the workings of a bike was a complete mystery, and one that made me quite nervous.

    Indeed. Thinking on and understanding the machine leads to revelation. Two bargain priced and fairly common cassettes come together to create one cassette that is usually hard to find and pricey. 12-25 meets 14-23 to create 12-21.

    Spare sprockets left over or to sell to another rider. Some replacement sprockets on the left.

  7. @universo

    @RobSandy

    What I particularly enjoy is that the more you work on your bike the better your understanding of the machine becomes. Not long ago for me, the workings of a bike was a complete mystery, and one that made me quite nervous.

    Indeed. Thinking on and understanding the machine leads to revelation. Two bargain priced and fairly common cassettes come together to create one cassette that is usually hard to find and pricey. 12-25 meets 14-23 to create 12-21.

     

     

    Spare sprockets left over or to sell to another rider. Some replacement sprockets on the left.

    That’s very clever thinking, but the only use a cassette like that for me, living here, would be if I really liked walking up steep hills in road cleats. I’m keeping my 11-28 for the time being, thanks!

  8. @frank

    @Oli

    Er, that is to say *here* is Gilles Delion…

    So awesome! Always loved his hair!

    The hair? Meh. The kit and the bike? Yes please.

  9. @frank

    @Oli

    @sthilzy

    Good spotting! Yes, on a Villiger branded TVT.

    I feel ashamed at how long it took me to figure out that Time evolved out of TVT. Those were such cool, iconic frames with those stunning alu lugs.

    Worth reposting for another look-see at Bauer’s Look shoes. Damn they’re fine shoes. Sleek, sexy but probably a fit flexy by today’s standards. They’re almost as good looking as Charley’s Rivats. Almost . . . but not quite.

  10. @TheAnvil

    True, like unique, has no comparative or superlative form. For some, there is no such thing as true enough. A wheel is true or it ain’t. When the needle stops moving, the wheel is true. Those lacking this understanding should not true wheels.

    Yes, and a true wheel should not ever get out of true. Perfect balance etc, unless you really do something bad to it.

    @wiscot

    @MangoDave

    This reminds me that I love the opening scene in A Sunday from Hell. There’s beauty in the skilled efficiency of the pro mechanic. I enjoy working on my bikes, but I’m stupid slow.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ktTXjSqvJc

    I see you A Sunday in Hell and raise you a Stars and Watercarriers at 31:20. Sublime!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUIr9LG1juw&list=PLeIvTjdPDVyGR-PPfJXC15mRceYOhBMCm

    Yes! This!

    @RobSandy

    @uptitus

    I’ve always felt a bit blessed that not only do I love road cycling, but I also love working on my bike. I do it all except headset replacements. Working on the bike is a world unto itself, and the aesthetically pleasing simplicity of its mechanics only enhances the time spent self-wrenching. I love it that my bike-work so beautifully supports my road cycling. There’s a completeness having the two together, and a deep satisfaction of knowing my steed intimately whether I’m moving on it, or it’s waiting (in pristine freshness) for the next ride.

    What I particularly enjoy is that the more you work on your bike you better your understanding of the machine becomes. Not long ago for me, the workings of a bike was a complete mystery, and one that made me quite nervous.

    Now I’ve started getting more hands on it no longer fills me with dread when my RD isn’t working smoothly – I know I can fix it. Repairing a puncture is 5 minutes work rather than a whole saturday afternoon swearing. When on the bike, noises can be identified and categorised quickly into ‘annoying’ and ‘dangerous’.

    The whole process leaves you more comfortable on the bike, I think.

    Absolutely! Hammer, nail and all that good stuff!

  11. @frank

    Yes, and a true wheel should not ever get out of true. Perfect balance etc, unless you really do something bad to it.

    This is correct as long as you mean a true wheel with perfect balance that was built correctly. A machine in a factory can bang out a perfectly “true” wheel as long as you define true as simply zero lateral or radial run-out, but it won’t last.  Because it isn’t balanced.

    A machine can force and squeeze these parts into the correct shape, but it isn’t right.  Aluminum is malleable, steel is springy, and they both have some memory to them.  A hand built wheel, on the other hand, take this all into account.  It is laced, tensioned, rested, re-tensioned, de-tensioned, then tensioned once again before truing.  This all takes time, precision, and love.  A bicycle wheel isn’t a thing, it’s a system of smaller parts that work together in harmony.  A wheel built by hand will take on the true nature of the Bicycle Wheel.  It will be balanced.  And it will stay true.

  12. @chuckp

     

    They just know that they don’t want to pay a lot of money for it and that they want their bike back tomorrow (if not today).

    Of course.  They have a big event/group ride/race tomorrow and they really really really want you to do it for them now. Pretty please.

    [ed note: polite entreaty added for my personal amusement; no one ever says ‘please’ to the mechanic]

  13. I learned my lesson when I was first starting out, first year of grad school. Owner of shop my father in law went to at the time gave me a good deal on an aluminum Scott Speedster with Sora gruppo-san. Not high rolling by any means, but hey, a gateway bike.

    Few months later I brought it in for an adjustment. Dan says, the fuck did you bring me? I couldn’t figure out what he meant, he threw a part of some kind at me and told me to never bring him a dirty fucking road bike ever again.

    Never brought him or anyone else a dirty bike again.

  14. @litvi

    @chuckp

    They just know that they don’t want to pay a lot of money for it and that they want their bike back tomorrow (if not today).

    Of course. They have a big event/group ride/race tomorrow and they really really really want you to do it for them now. Pretty please.

    [ed note: polite entreaty added for my personal amusement; no one ever says ‘please’ to the mechanic]

    In grad school I used to wrench part time in a bike shop. The frats at school had these ridiculous races on a running track that they did on tricycles. Nothing against trikes, but they are not designed to be ridden at speed around relatively sharp turns – and not by douchebags who don’t know what they’re doing. Result? Lots of fucked up wheels and axles that absolutely had to be repaired today, or if possible, yesterday.

    Almost as bad as the wummin who bought her son a bike at Service Merchandise and brought it (brand new) in for service. (For those of you unfamiliar with this long-defunct retailer of homegoods, it sold bicycles that were assembled in the loading dock by monkeys with an adjustable wrench and some WD 40.) She was not impressed when I quoted her a somewhat hefty price to make her son’s new bicycle into something beyond a “death trap.” (For the record: loose headset, brake blocks that missed the rim or barely made contact, and generally loose parts.)

    It’s bicycle mechanics, not alchemy. A turd will always be a turd.

  15. @litvi

    Remembering, of course, that not all wheel builders are equal – I’ve seen plenty of hand-built wheels that were worse than some machine-built ones.

  16. @Oli

    @litvi

    Remembering, of course, that not all wheel builders are equal – I’ve seen plenty of hand-built wheels that were worse than some machine-built ones.

    Well, there are those shops, where wheel builds are “assigned” to the youngest kid because it’s a chore. (!)

    In my first shop only the owner was allowed to build wheels (his rule) until I said “bullshit. I’m building my own.” Eventually I earned permission to build for customers by proving I appreciated it as an art.  That’s the right mentality.

    One quick conversation with a prospective builder should tell you whether he’s your guy.

  17. @litvi

    Hmm, appreciating what you’re doing is vital but I’ve said this many times before; I don’t believe it *is* an art. Having been building wheels to some success for over 35 years I prefer to think of it as a finely-honed skill. There’s no magic to a good wheel, just knowing what to do do and learning how to do it well and conscientiously. This is why you’ll find 17 year-olds that can build awesome wheels after just a short time learning, and old dogs who build shitty wheels after 40 years of doing it the same way they’ve always done it just because.

  18. @wiscot

    @frank

    @Oli

    @sthilzy

    Good spotting! Yes, on a Villiger branded TVT.

    I feel ashamed at how long it took me to figure out that Time evolved out of TVT. Those were such cool, iconic frames with those stunning alu lugs.

    Worth reposting for another look-see at Bauer’s Look shoes. Damn they’re fine shoes. Sleek, sexy but probably a fit flexy by today’s standards. They’re almost as good looking as Charley’s Rivats. Almost . . . but not quite.

    Look Carbons.

    I had a pair.  Had a wooden footbed if memory serves. Certainly stiff by the standards of the day!

  19. @universo

    @RobSandy

    I did not create this one for you specifically. This same 14-23 can be turned into a 14-29.

    I know, I know. I was commenting out of grudging respect for someone who can ride with a 21. Pretty sure you’re not riding a compact, either?

    Went on a club ride on the weekend and we had some juniors in our group, the younger ones of whom are not allowed to use a cog smaller than a 16t – so I was amazed when one of them kept up with our 40-45kph chaingang, spinning his 52/16!

  20. @RobSandy

    Go over to Fenland.  Only time I’ve averaged over 35 kph for 100 km in recent years.  Trouble is that at that point we turned back into the gale for the next 80 km.  Talk about grovel.

  21. @Teocalli

    Talking of sustained high speed; I’m doing my first road race in the middle of March, which is a handicap race. Last year the average speed of the Cat 3/4 group was about 43kph for the 75kms.

    As a new Cat 4 I’ll be being chased – anyone want to place any bets on the chances of me staying away from the scratch group? They start 6 minutes behind us and last year they caught the Cat 4’s 5 kms from the finish.

  22. @RobSandy

    @Teocalli

    Talking of sustained high speed; I’m doing my first road race in the middle of March, which is a handicap race. Last year the average speed of the Cat 3/4 group was about 43kph for the 75kms.

    As a new Cat 4 I’ll be being chased – anyone want to place any bets on the chances of me staying away from the scratch group? They start 6 minutes behind us and last year they caught the Cat 4’s 5 kms from the finish.

    Train Properly and prepare to Suffer

  23. @Oli

    @universo

    Haha!

    Right?  That’s funny.

    @Oli is right – it’s definitely a skillset.  I think it’s the love and the caring-enough-to-focus that make the difference.

  24. @Sparty I actually debated telling a few customers that they did not deserve the bike they were riding because of how poorly they maintained it.

    Reminds me of a story my dad told me that if you wanted to have Chateau Rothschild wine, they would come and check out your cellar to see if temp/humidity was OK to keep the wine in. Not sure if this is true, but adds to exclusivity.

    So, why did you not say so? As a dad, I would tell my kids off accordingly.

    But on this matter at hand, I do not like cleaning the bike. I do it, because it has to be done and the result is gratifying instantly. But even worse than cleaning your bike is tuning and waxing skis. Skis need to be tuned with different files (I use 6 different steel/diamond files and ceramic stones for each edge, so that’s 24 changes of files for every pair of skis) and at least 2 layers of wax: one to remove the dirt and the second one to be the final layer, which including hardening out means usually 2 evenings. And for skiraces, there’s an additional layer of high-fluo wax on top. Wish I could spend that much time on cleaning the bike, which is so much easier…

  25. A new acquaintance and fellow cyclist came to my house for the first time last night and admired my bike in the hallway. He asked how long I’d had it, “6 years”… ” you don’t ride much then”… ” I ride plenty thanks” ….” How come you keep it so clean?” ….that’s a question that never fails to amaze me

  26. @litvi

    @Oli

    @universo

    Haha!

    Right? That’s funny.

    @Oli is right – it’s definitely a skillset. I think it’s the love and the caring-enough-to-focus that make the difference.

    Realizing first hand that it is mostly a cognizance based on sharp math and having a calculated reserved touch. The entire process is a definite reward and payoff. Spokes laying on a workbench – priceless.

  27. @Oli

    @litvi

    Hmm, appreciating what you’re doing is vital but I’ve said this many times before; I don’t believe it *is* an art. Having been building wheels to some success for over 35 years I prefer to think of it as a finely-honed skill. There’s no magic to a good wheel, just knowing what to do do and learning how to do it well and conscientiously. This is why you’ll find 17 year-olds that can build awesome wheels after just a short time learning, and old dogs who build shitty wheels after 40 years of doing it the same way they’ve always done it just because.

    I learned that it (front // rear) was engaging with every methodical step. Will build a different set this month.

  28. @litvi

    We are working on acquiring tools and keeping it organized as we go – a small service course. We being myself devoting a majority of my garage to ciclismo business and an oncoming manager to assume part ownership of this space. There is a mutual reverence for tools ongoing here.

  29. @frank

    Years ago I built up a set of training wheels from Zeus hourglass hubs and Mavic rims (can’t remember the model) and after tweaking and tightening over about two weeks of riding after the initial build they stayed perfect for years. This, despite the brutal punishment of a 180 pound curb jumping teenage hooligan riding all over the streets, sidewalks and dirt of Philadelphia.

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