THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE. SOURCE: BRYN LENNON/GETTY IMAGES EUROPE)

Team USA: Doomed From The Start

by / / 84 posts

The Road Cycling World Championships are on our doorstep. The USA is hosting, which makes me nervous immediately. How can we fuck this up? Ask Taylor Phinney for starters. This event has not been hosted by the USA since Moreno Argentin won in Colorado almost thirty years ago. We just don’t have the experience to pull off cycling events of this importance. The police are used to impeding cyclists, not protecting them.

But the Americans can’t win either the women’s or men’s road races simply because of the awful kit they have to wear. All V will be drained by the lameness of the jersey. The Rainbow Jersey would refuse to even slip on over such an abomination. Back in the day, Greg LeMan wore the Captain America jersey and won the World Championship at age 22. Going into the worlds as Captain America is a lot more powerful than whatever the hell this new design is. FFS, give these riders a chance. Representing your country in the World Championship should be a highlight of any cyclist’s career.

The Belgians, the Aussies, the Italians, The French: they all have jerseys that say we are here as a select, badass team and we are going to fuck you up. The American’s look like a trade team for a car dealership. It hurts. The Spanish might be in trouble too by the look of last year’s design and the fact they generally refuse to work at crunch time.

// Etiquette // Rantings from the V-Bunker

  1. @Neil

    Our club kit is an exact copy of the Belgian team jersey. In fact it was one of the reasons I joined them. Mind you I won’t tell you the name of the club, or even the country, lest we get a ‘cease and desist’ letter from the Belgian Cycling Fed’!

    Glasgow Nightingale?

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  2. @Haldy

    @frank

    @sthilzy

    After seeing LeMan’s WC’s, I always thought said kit would be the Status Quo for USA;

    Rebecca Twigg, the focus of my first pant-busting crush.

    Ohh..if that’s the case can I assume you have this poster up somewhere like I still do?

    My eyesight is fading – I thought it said “minge” on those helmets

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  3. @The Engine

    @Haldy

    @frank

    @sthilzy

    After seeing LeMan’s WC’s, I always thought said kit would be the Status Quo for USA;

    Rebecca Twigg, the focus of my first pant-busting crush.

    Ohh..if that’s the case can I assume you have this poster up somewhere like I still do?

    My eyesight is fading – I thought it said “minge” on those helmets

    To offer you some support – I thought exactly the same thing and was about to post to say so.

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  4. @Gianni

    Two TT teams have had bad crashes because of potholes on the course. American infrastructure at its best. It would have taken too much thought and effort to fix that kind of thing before hand. This is why I rant.

    FFS, I can’t believe you guys didn’t re-lay the entire TT course, it’s only 38km, not the road race course mind, a variety of surfaces is more than acceptable in road racing, but make TT’s all about speed.

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  5. @The Engine @RobSandy Who is the blond minge amongst the helmets?

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  6. @Oli

    @brett I love the All Blacks but I don’t want their logo as my national emblem.

    You might be shit out of luck there mate… Surely it’s more than an All Blacks logo though? Anything but a fucking Union Jack.

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  7. @Gianni

    @The Engine @RobSandy Who is the blond minge amongst the helmets?

    Is that seriously a question? It is Rebecca Twigg. The same gal from the pic that @frank posted. 6 time World Pursuit Champion, 2 time Olympic Medalist, and 16 times National Champion. She earned her sixth title at the Worlds in Bogota and set a world record in the event…3 weeks after breaking her collarbone in training. Now that’s a healthy dose of Rule #5!

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  8. Cheer up y’all. At least the US cycling team all wear the same kit. Something that cannot be said of the US skiteam with Vonn vs Mancuso.

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  9. @brett Being half-English I don’t mind the Union Jack at all. Pretty sure my 3rd generation Kiwi Grandfather who fought in WW2 wouldn’t want the old flag abolished either. I say we wait until we actually become a republic before we change flags. The whole thing is fucked up.

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  10. @Oli My mother is English, so I guess I’m half-English too. Bring on the republic.

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  11. @Frolle

    @Gianni

    @Matt

    Quite a few laughable (the good way) bits in there, @Gianni. I think the Belgian kit is the finest of them all. Just look at Lotto Soudal. And those Ridleys, me oh my. Leave it to the Belgians to come correct.

    The Belgian kit is, as far as I know, unchanged since the Merckx era. It has always looked fantastic. Eddy having won in it didn’t hurt. The Italian one, all blue, it very classy and understated for the Italians. They might have gone for some over the top white, green and red mash up.

    The Belgian kit today and for the last years have been like the Merckx one. Brilliant. But in 1996 when Museeuw won the World Championship in Lugano the Belgian kit looked like this: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/91/5f/89/915f8931151bafecc052a66ad4769adf.jpg He kind of made up for the ugly jersey by riding a Mapei Colnago C-40 with Lightweight wheels though…

    …and by being Museeuw.

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  12. @brett

    @Oli My mother is English, so I guess I’m half-English too. Bring on the republic.

    But then Emporer Donkey will enslave the rebel alliance with a clone army? Oh, wait… As for the US kit, all I have for you is sparklestarclusterfuck. It looks like someone just threw (up) some red white and blue paint on a jersey.

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  13. @Haldy

    @Gianni

    @The Engine @RobSandy Who is the blond minge amongst the helmets?

    Is that seriously a question? It is Rebecca Twigg. The same gal from the pic that @frank posted. 6 time World Pursuit Champion, 2 time Olympic Medalist, and 16 times National Champion. She earned her sixth title at the Worlds in Bogota and set a world record in the event…3 weeks after breaking her collarbone in training. Now that’s a healthy dose of Rule #5!

    I knew it was, I was making sure I used the words “minge or minging” in a sentence everyday. It’s part of my effort to broaden my horizons.

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  14. @Gianni

    @Haldy

    @Gianni

    @The Engine @RobSandy Who is the blond minge amongst the helmets?

    Is that seriously a question? It is Rebecca Twigg. The same gal from the pic that @frank posted. 6 time World Pursuit Champion, 2 time Olympic Medalist, and 16 times National Champion. She earned her sixth title at the Worlds in Bogota and set a world record in the event…3 weeks after breaking her collarbone in training. Now that’s a healthy dose of Rule #5!

    I knew it was, I was making sure I used the words “minge or minging” in a sentence everyday. It’s part of my effort to broaden my horizons.

    I am quite relieved to hear that!

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  15. @Ccos

    So why exactly can’t we keep the “Captain America” kit from year to year? At the very least perhaps let the La Vie Claire lady design it. She has some good sense.

    The La Vie Claire “lady” was Dutch artist Piet Mondrian (1872-1944). Still one of the greatest jerseys of ALL time. Agree 100% with Gianni. USA kits since LeMond have been execrable. Look to Belgium – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Britain could do much worse (and have) since they abandoned the classic blue body/red sleeves jersey of the 70s/80s. I’m not affiliated with a club at the moment – mostly because I like to ride alone, partly because most local club jerseys are hideous. Sublimatic printing has an awful lot to answer for IMHO. My last club in Scotland? VC d’Or. Our jersey? The Dutch champions jersey. Wore it yesterday for almost 200kms. Still sharp after 26 years.

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  16. @Gianni Team Spain and Team USA. No chance – WTF kit fail

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  17. @wiscot Yes, but it took a foresighted French woman to translate one of his paintings into the best kit ever. Just like someone took Betsy Ross’s work and came up with the Captain America kit. Not sure where the bozo found inspiration this year though…

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  18. That image of Vos the boss and her honor guard of Dutch henchwomen makes my Cloggy heart swell a bit with nationalistic pride, I must admit.

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  19. You see, that’s what makes me mad as hell when some foreigner makes assumptions about us Americans. You never, never ever ever mix beef jerkey with your chewing tobacco.

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  20. @TBONE

    Does the US kit come with a handgun holster and place to put your beef jerky chewing tobacco?

    @TBONE

    Does the US kit come with a handgun holster and place to put your beef jerky chewing tobacco?

    The holster is standard issue. :^)

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  21. The answer . Have anyone but a yank design the next kit .

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  22. @Gianni Just remember the massive difference in meaning between minge and minger kids!

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  23. Well….shite, here I am on a Monday, looking forward to ditching work early on Friday and heading up to Richmond. And now, now you’ve made me less excited. Spain needs more white, less red and yellow. It’s a hot country, the kit makes me feel hotter. The U.S kit….well, that just needs to be blown up and started again from zero. Potholes on the course? Goddamn! And yes, Gianni. Sadly, cops and most motorists treat cyclists as squirrels, or worse, criminals. Hey, at least Delaware has pulled out “Share the Road” signs and replaced them with “Cyclists May Use Full Lane.” It’s a start, at least.

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  24. @KogaLover

    Cheer up y’all. At least the US cycling team all wear the same kit. Something that cannot be said of the US skiteam with Vonn vs Mancuso.

    I don’t think Vonn or Julie race for the U.S. ski team; they race with them, hence the different speed suits…

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  25. The Eritrean kit is not subtle, but I like what I see:

    A photo posted by Wtfkits (@wtfkits) on

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  26. @Gianni

    I knew it was, I was making sure I used the words “minge or minging” in a sentence everyday. It’s part of my effort to broaden my horizons.

    Just make sure you don’t get the words muddled, the meanings are very different. Also, you pronounce the ‘g’ in ‘minge’ but not in ‘minging’. Glad to help.

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  27. Pretty much any jersey will work if worn with black shorts. Some better than others but black shorts give a LOT of leeway. Australia/Belgium/Holland/NZ…all ok. Italy is borderline, no matter how classy azure blue is. Spain is just awkward. England should have Rapha

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  28. England??? That team doesn’t exist.

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  29. Trying to find a decent picture but watching the Women’s ITT right now and the Rwandan kit is absolutely superb

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  30. U.S. Kits are Harlem Globetrotters inspired. Fuckin joke!

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  32. @Al__S

    Doesn’t quite show the full glory, but here’s Rwanda’s kit on a trailblazer

    Sweet! And I’m digging the typeface on the arms too.There are so many talented graphic designers in the US, why can’t they find one that has taste and esign sensibility? Or just say screw it and go back to what LeMan wore FFS. It’s like football (soccer) kits in the UK – they change them every bloody season and offer up some real dross. The Scotland national team used to wear red socks, white shorts, blue top with maybe a white collar. Simple, stylish and classy. Now it looks like they ask elementary age kids to design it.

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  33. @Craigyboywonder

    England??? That team doesn’t exist.

    except at Commonwealth games…

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  34. @frank

    The Captain America kit was so awesome, and can I please also note that back then they also wore their regular team bibs, which was such a cool mis-matched look. For reference: Also, that Spanish kit is a fucking nightmare. Worse than the US, I’d say.

    Team bibs with National kit was the shit!

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  35. @Oli

    Awesome eh! In case anyone’s wondering, NZ’s Linda Villumsen won the TT this morning…

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  36. @brett

    @Oli

    Awesome eh! In case anyone’s wondering, NZ’s Linda Villumsen won the TT this morning…

    All black works for me.

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  37. Thanks, Brett. WTF happened to my caption??

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  38. @Bianchi Denti

    @brett

    @Oli

    Awesome eh! In case anyone’s wondering, NZ’s Linda Villumsen won the TT this morning…

    All black works for me.

    All black is indeed awesome, and clearly fast, but ultimately rainbow stripes are the hottest jersey of them all. Fantastic race yesterday

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  39. Surprised to see Mr Martin as far down as 7th…

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  40. @RobSandy

    Surprised to see Mr Martin as far down as 7th…

    No kidding. Just as well there wasn’t a VSP on this one. I think very few of us would have scored points. That being said, I score very few when there actually is a VSP.

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  41. @brett

    @Oli

    Awesome eh! In case anyone’s wondering, NZ’s Linda Villumsen won the TT this morning…

    Great ride, great result. But she’s about as NZ as Froome is British. Just sayin’.

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  42. @wiscot

    @RobSandy

    Surprised to see Mr Martin as far down as 7th…

    No kidding. Just as well there wasn’t a VSP on this one. I think very few of us would have scored points. That being said, I score very few when there actually is a VSP.

    Amen to that. We would have seen a lot of “3 points” for both men’s and women’s ITT VSP. Still, it’s good to see an anonymous work horse like Kiryienka get some reward and recognition.

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  43. @Harminator She chose to live in NZ at the age of 16, even though it took her a lot longer to actually gain citizenship – you don’t get more Kiwi than actually choosing to forswear your ex-country in favour of ours.

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  44. USA kit is fugly. Belgian kit is just classic, timeless badass.

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  45. This has a Captain America superhero-ish vibe going for it, which would be appropriate for Team USA. Also a little WW2 reminiscent. Stock jersey design from a Chinese manufacturer.

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  46. @chuckp

    This has a Captain America superhero-ish vibe going for it, which would be appropriate for Team USA. Also a little WW2 reminiscent. Stock jersey design from a Chinese manufacturer.

    That’s not bad. If they dropped the black for blue and added a star on the front, it’d be awesome.

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  47. @wiscot @wiscot

    @chuckp

    This has a Captain America superhero-ish vibe going for it, which would be appropriate for Team USA. Also a little WW2 reminiscent. Stock jersey design from a Chinese manufacturer.

    That’s not bad. If they dropped the black for blue and added a star on the front, it’d be awesome.

    Unfortunately, their online design tool only allows limited playing around with the design and colors. The front all blue with a star. Maybe the black on the back red instead? But certainly someone with some artistic talent could riff off of this to create a USA jersey that doesn’t look like a NASCAR billboard and also isn’t Euro. Not that Euro isn’t cool (it is and why I love the Belgian jersey), but a USA jersey should have its own identity that speaks to the USA. Hence, a Captain America superhero-ish kind of jersey without being over the top would seem to be something appropriate.

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  48. @Oli

    @Harminator She chose to live in NZ at the age of 16, even though it took her a lot longer to actually gain citizenship – you don’t get more Kiwi than actually choosing to forswear your ex-country in favour of ours.

    Thanks Oli. I was about to chime in on this too. They had totally different reasons for choosing to change nationalities. Only one of them made millions from doing so, and then chose to live in Monaco anyway.

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  49. @DeKerr

    Wow. That is terrible. While not nearly as “fugly” as the USA Kit, Canada’s kit appears to lack any distinguishing features. At least the bottoms are Rules compliant. http://www.cyclingcanada.ca/sport/road/news/cycling-canada-announces-road-world-championships-team/ The should have stuck with the Pan-Am kit. http://www.louisgarneau.com/img/thm/t495_SlidePanAm_B2C_Eng.jpg

    This Canadian says the CDN jerseys, although not perfect, show enough respect for tradition to go with the powder blue as the dominant color. Canada has had a terrible habit of changing colors & designs too often. Pan-Am jersey is s perfect example of that.

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