Spitting Image

Spitting Image

by / / 84 posts

When I was but a young Velominatus, my poor mother was often horrified/embarrassed/disgusted by my typical boy’s habit of sucking back the mucous from the back of my throat and swallowing it… yes, I know, now you’re disgusted too. Taking me to seek a cure from the good Dr Edwards, he let her down somewhat with his prognosis that what I was doing was actually a good thing to clear the sinuses, yet suggested that swallowing was actually better replaced by spitting the gunk out. I claimed a moral victory over mum, as much as an eight year old can over their much wiser matriarch. And so I went through my youth and adolescence into my adult years reinforced with the belief that the guttural snorting and consequent ejection of my snot rockets was in fact something to be proud of and even healthy. Not that I flaunted it, but whenever a girlfriend, mate or colleauge would roll their eyes and declare what a pig I was, I could confidently refute their assertions with the endorsement of the good doctor. I really should have had him write me out a disclaimer note to produce on cue and validate my excuse, and pinned it to the nearest wall with a sticky green exclamation mark.

Of course, it’s not the kind of habit that one just practices whenever the need arises, and carefully timed and stealthily executed ejections became the order of the day. But whenever I got on my bike, the need to clear the passages became more evident and necessary, compounded by the deep breathing and extra work the lungs and throat were required to undertake. Riding a bike and spitting seem to go together like fucking and orgasms (I’m speaking for myself here, but you get my drift). It’s a ritual that is inherent in the ranks from the recreational rider through to the pros. But even among my riding peers, there are always those who share my mother’s view that I’m nothing more than a snot riddled pig and that I should just put up with the discomfort of limited oxygen transportation and the inconvenience of a throat/nose full of lung butter.

So through necessity I’ve been forced to develop over the years a series of methods and moves designed to lessen the impact on my fellow Velominati, and still allow me to keep operating efficiently. Here are some of my top snot tips for the mucously challenged Velominatus.

  • Pick your moment: You don’t want to be cruising through the CBD at lunch hour and fire a mucous missile into a throng of suits and ties and their hot PAs/mistresses. Wait until there is a clear area with little foot traffic, and eject accordingly.
  • Aim carefully: Direct your snot scud towards the traffic side, not the sidewalk. No-one, myself included, wants to step in someone else’s golly, so if it hits the tarmac it will soon be run over by a car or washed into the gutter in the next downpour.
  • Warn your compadrés: If you are riding in the bunch and need to clear the decks, let your cohorts know that you are about to eject the pus pilot.
  • Swing out: After checking behind for your riding buddies and approaching traffic, deviate from the paceline a touch and let ‘er rip. This way the riders behind won’t have to sully their Vittorias with your tread tacks.
  • Aim low: One of the best techniques I’ve developed is the under the arm trajectory; leaving your hands on the bars, tilt your head down between your road-side arm and torso, and let fly directly at the road. This way you are not firing into the air, risking a breeze picking up the projectile and blowing any errant offspray back towards the following riders.
  • Rapid fire: Put some oomph into the ejection, keeping the green globule in a solid mass so it hits the road with a thud. It’s a rather strangely satisfying sound when you get it just right!
  • The Bushman’s Hanky: For clearing the nose. This can be a whole different ball game, and more care is often required when the hooter is in need of clearance. Place a finger over one nostril and really give a quick, forceful blow through the other. This should be done in conjunction with the swing out and while aiming low (see lead photo). Do both nostrils on the same side of your body, so as not to be firing into following riders on both sides of you.
  • Tidy up: After you’re done getting the cavities cleared, use your glove or sleeve to remove any excess that might have clung on. There’s nothing worse than looking over at the rider next to you and seeing a green soldier hanging from their hooter, or dribble flapping in the wind from their chin. It’s enough to make you barf, and that’s a fate even worse than having someone else’s snot stuck to your fi’zi:ks.

Just don’t let my mum see you.

// General // Technique

  1. @minion
    No matter what the discussion, somehow you have the ability to remove all logic from it. I am stupider for having known you (albeit only via this site).

  2. @Harminator

    Thanks for this Brett. Just when the site looks to be ascending the intellectual ladder with bikelove and l’Heure philosophy, you bring it all back to base.

    Spot on.

    Anyone have mucus strong enough to bond tubulars to a rim? Sorry, had to ask.

  3. @Nate

    If it hadn’t been @Oli with the correction I would have persisted in viewing the “mistake” as some sort of bizarre Kiwi humour.

    I’m an Aussie. Get it right.

  4. @Monty

    I too use kleenex while riding. I’ve never been able to get snot rockets to work right. So I either have to hack it up and spit, or I blow my nose while stopped.

    And WTF is it about riding that seems to make you produce 200x more snot than usual? Hate it.

  5. The pissing thing has always interested me and I assume they get it all over themselves, I can’t work out any way that they can’t! Perhaps they have long hoses. Any advise to the contrary appreciated but I think I will continue with stopping.

    The Mrs Daccordi was 2 years into her cycling career before I taught her the Bushmans blow, now I just need to get her to warn me it’s coming when I am drafting.

  6. @mcsqueak
    I can fire from my right nostril, no problem. Always under the shoulder. But I have a wicked deviated septum, so my left nostril doesn’t really work. When suffering from the lasting effects of a cold, I carry a blue, cotton, paisley bandana in my left jersey pocket. This lets me blow out of my left nostril with no worries of wearing a bucket of snot on my jersey.

    I’m glad I could get that off my chest. I feel so much better now.

  7. Ah yes. The snot rocket.
    I’m a both barrels over the left shoulder kinda guy. For some reason the urge rarely strikes when I’m riding in a paceline. Whatever.
    Three anecdotes.
    1. The year that I started racing, I was spectating with the father of one of my teammates. The race was for one of our more accomplished riders a few categories up. At one point during the race as the pack went by, a snot rocket was launched by said teammate directly onto father. He took it extraordinarily well.
    2. Memories of a photo of Sean Kelly in Winning circa late 80’s during one of the filthy weather spring classics. Clear as day, was the most massive snot blob on his leg, obviously from the rider in front. Kelly was so hard that a) he didn’t notice, or b) he didn’t give a shit.
    3. Of late I’ve been racing dirt crits here in Melbourne. Short course mountain bike races of about 50mins duration at night. As we have to use lights, it is quite amazing to see what sort of stuff hangs in the air as your’e barreling down the singletrack. Long story short, the rider in front launched a snot rocket whose trajectory would be considered acceptable, but the high powered LED’s highlighted the cloud of microscopic mucus and other such goo that I had little choice but to ride through. My first thought was to be grateful for wearing my glasses, and my second thought was, whatever, just keep going.

  8. @Nate

    @Harminator

    Thanks for this Brett. Just when the site looks to be ascending the intellectual ladder with bikelove and l’Heure philosophy, you bring it all back to base.

    Spot on.

    Anyone have mucus strong enough to bond tubulars to a rim? Sorry, had to ask.

    What do you think tubular glue is? Nothing but someone else’s @Marcus

    @minion
    No matter what the discussion, somehow you have the ability to remove all logic from it. I am stupider for having known you (albeit only via this site).

    Everyone you know will thank me later.

  9. Oops sorry that was a formatting error I thought I’d deleted the comment about tubular Glue. I wasn’t inferring what it looks like.

    Frank, Bretto can you delete that one please?

  10. Snot rocketeers might heed the advice of Astronautics Magazine (Issue 38, 1937).

    “A good rule for rocket experimenters to follow is this: always assume that it will explode.”

    Having suffered the collateral damage of ballistic mucus – both self-launched and neighbour-launched – I long ago decided it was not an art to master, and one best left to exiled Nazi scientists and Russian dog-killers.

    Also I tend to have a fairly constant run, in colder weather, which would not have the coherency to be ejected effectively.

    My technique is the snot flick, using thumb and forefinger to squeeze rapidly down the nose and then flicking away at the end. It stays together and can be flicked fairly accurately with practice, avoiding any spray or unhappy landings.

  11. @minion
    …the story almost always ends with one wondering into LBS and dropping some coin.

  12. @minion

    @scaler911

    The I’ll pen an article about how to take a leak while riding, without getting off your bike, or stopping.

    Gaaaaah!

    I can do that right now.

    One put on tri shorts.

    Put on wetsuit.

    Piss in wetsuit while swimming, ignore the fact that urine will damage your suit. Ignore the fact that it stinks.

    Enter transition. Run around looking for your bike for quarter of an hour.

    Find bike you just spent several thousand dollars on. Get on, start riding then piss all over it.

    Realise that the reason why there’s a no drafting rule in tris is to avoid riding through other people’s whizz.

    Get off bike. Start running. Realise you may as well go for the trifecta, since you seem to be doing things in threes. Effectively wet yourself in public.

    Finish race. Go hang out with a bunch of other people who’ve just done the same thing like it’s completely normal and nothing has happened.

    Stop off at the bike shop on the way home. Count your blessing yo don’t end up beaten and on tossed onto the street, which is what would happen to a hobo that had pissed himself if he wandered into the store. Spend $300 on tubular tires.

    We are Velominati, not animals.

    +1 – my agony is somewhat abated by that

  13. My late father – a man who never owned a car and cycled (very slowly) everywhere was an expert on mobile bodily functions. His masterpiece was a sneeze that ejected his false teeth sufficiently far in front to allow him to run them over. Remarkably he managed to effect an emergency repair and they served him well for many more years – his pride in them often extended to removing them at the dinner table and giving them a good old clean. Happy days.

  14. @the Engine
    Wobble to the right during snot rocket? Clear sign for unbalanced core strength. Work needed here…

  15. @Pete F

    @the Engine
    Wobble to the right during snot rocket? Clear sign for unbalanced core strength. Work needed here…

    Could be – I suspect that core strength issues may be at the root of my back problem. I’ll use the leftward snot bias as evidence in my talk with the physio.

  16. @brett. I suspect this article was just an excuse to show off your impressive collection of mucous-related euphamisms.

  17. Hello Velominions! ))))

    It’ s Alpin coming back from the ‘Old Grave… got some presents too!

    Still in Grenoble,France..i was this morning on the first stage ( post prologue) of the Criterium du Dauphiné Libéré 2012 … Do you want some exclusive photos from 2 hours ago. ?.. I can’t find a VSP article on the Dauphiné 2012, should I create one and making it reviewed by a fellow Velominati? Frank doesn’t seemed to have checjk his email …)))

    Here are some picks from the 48 photos Gallery from this midday…

    Slideshow:

    Fullscreen:

  18. exception 'ImagickException' with message 'no decode delegate for this image format `/nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati//wp-content/plugins/dm-albums/php/image.php?degrees=0&scale=yes&maintain_aspect=yes&quality=95&rounding=nearest&image=/home/frankdstrack//velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/Alpin/2012.06.04.13.05.40/IMGP0322.jpg&width=625&height=625' @ error/constitute.c/ReadImage/544' in /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php:1269 Stack trace: #0 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php(1269): Imagick->__construct('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #1 [internal function]: dm_replace_image_embeds('

    start_el('?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?paged_walk(Array, -1, 2, '50', Array) #12 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/comments.php(43): wp_list_comments(Array) #13 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/comment-template.php(1213): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #14 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/content-post.php(71): comments_template() #15 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(503): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #16 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(477): load_template('/nas/wp/www/clu...', false) #17 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/includes/theme-advanced.php(142): locate_template(Array, true, false) #18 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/single.php(31): woo_get_template_part('content', 'post') #19 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template-loader.php(74): include('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #20 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-blog-header.php(16): require_once('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #21 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/index.php(17): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #22 {main}exception 'ImagickException' with message 'no decode delegate for this image format `/nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati//wp-content/plugins/dm-albums/php/image.php?degrees=0&scale=yes&maintain_aspect=yes&quality=95&rounding=nearest&image=/home/frankdstrack//velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/Alpin/2012.06.04.13.05.40/IMGP0247.jpg&width=60&height=40' @ error/constitute.c/ReadImage/544' in /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php:1269 Stack trace: #0 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php(1269): Imagick->__construct('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #1 [internal function]: dm_replace_image_embeds('

    start_el('?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?paged_walk(Array, -1, 2, '50', Array) #12 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/comments.php(43): wp_list_comments(Array) #13 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/comment-template.php(1213): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #14 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/content-post.php(71): comments_template() #15 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(503): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #16 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(477): load_template('/nas/wp/www/clu...', false) #17 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/includes/theme-advanced.php(142): locate_template(Array, true, false) #18 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/single.php(31): woo_get_template_part('content', 'post') #19 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template-loader.php(74): include('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #20 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-blog-header.php(16): require_once('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #21 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/index.php(17): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #22 {main}exception 'ImagickException' with message 'no decode delegate for this image format `/nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati//wp-content/plugins/dm-albums/php/image.php?degrees=0&scale=yes&maintain_aspect=yes&quality=95&rounding=nearest&image=/home/frankdstrack//velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/Alpin/2012.06.04.13.05.40/IMGP0273.jpg&width=60&height=40' @ error/constitute.c/ReadImage/544' in /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php:1269 Stack trace: #0 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php(1269): Imagick->__construct('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #1 [internal function]: dm_replace_image_embeds('

    start_el('?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?paged_walk(Array, -1, 2, '50', Array) #12 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/comments.php(43): wp_list_comments(Array) #13 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/comment-template.php(1213): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #14 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/content-post.php(71): comments_template() #15 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(503): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #16 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(477): load_template('/nas/wp/www/clu...', false) #17 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/includes/theme-advanced.php(142): locate_template(Array, true, false) #18 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/single.php(31): woo_get_template_part('content', 'post') #19 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template-loader.php(74): include('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #20 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-blog-header.php(16): require_once('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #21 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/index.php(17): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #22 {main}exception 'ImagickException' with message 'no decode delegate for this image format `/nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati//wp-content/plugins/dm-albums/php/image.php?degrees=0&scale=yes&maintain_aspect=yes&quality=95&rounding=nearest&image=/home/frankdstrack//velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/Alpin/2012.06.04.13.05.40/IMGP0295.jpg&width=60&height=40' @ error/constitute.c/ReadImage/544' in /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php:1269 Stack trace: #0 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php(1269): Imagick->__construct('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #1 [internal function]: dm_replace_image_embeds('

    start_el('?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?paged_walk(Array, -1, 2, '50', Array) #12 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/comments.php(43): wp_list_comments(Array) #13 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/comment-template.php(1213): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #14 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/content-post.php(71): comments_template() #15 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(503): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #16 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(477): load_template('/nas/wp/www/clu...', false) #17 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/includes/theme-advanced.php(142): locate_template(Array, true, false) #18 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/single.php(31): woo_get_template_part('content', 'post') #19 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template-loader.php(74): include('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #20 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-blog-header.php(16): require_once('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #21 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/index.php(17): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #22 {main}exception 'ImagickException' with message 'no decode delegate for this image format `/nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati//wp-content/plugins/dm-albums/php/image.php?degrees=0&scale=yes&maintain_aspect=yes&quality=95&rounding=nearest&image=/home/frankdstrack//velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/Alpin/2012.06.04.13.05.40/IMGP0306.jpg&width=60&height=40' @ error/constitute.c/ReadImage/544' in /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php:1269 Stack trace: #0 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/generics.php(1269): Imagick->__construct('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #1 [internal function]: dm_replace_image_embeds('

    start_el('?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?display_element(Object(stdClass), Array, 1, 0, Array, '?paged_walk(Array, -1, 2, '50', Array) #12 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/comments.php(43): wp_list_comments(Array) #13 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/comment-template.php(1213): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #14 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/velominati/content-post.php(71): comments_template() #15 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(503): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #16 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template.php(477): load_template('/nas/wp/www/clu...', false) #17 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/includes/theme-advanced.php(142): locate_template(Array, true, false) #18 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-content/themes/canvas/single.php(31): woo_get_template_part('content', 'post') #19 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-includes/template-loader.php(74): include('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #20 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/wp-blog-header.php(16): require_once('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #21 /nas/wp/www/cluster-40013/velominati/index.php(17): require('/nas/wp/www/clu...') #22 {main}

    @Alpin

    Hello Velominions! ))))

    It’ s Alpin coming back from the ‘Old Grave… got some presents too!

    Still in Grenoble,France..i was this morning on the first stage ( post prologue) of the Criterium du Dauphiné Libéré 2012 … Do you want some exclusive photos from 2 hours ago. ?.. I can’t find a VSP article on the Dauphiné 2012, should I create one and making it reviewed by a fellow Velominati? Frank doesn’t seemed to have checjk his email …)))

    Here are some picks from the 48 photos Gallery from this midday…

    8 / 8

    Slideshow:

    Fullscreen:

    Download:

    NIce! Nice! Nice!

  19. I’m a big time spitter and snotter. Fortunately, most of my riding is solo so all I have to do is be aware of the wind direction. I’ll never forget telling someone what the silvery streaks on my shoulders were when they asked. They were appalled.

    For the snots it’s a no fingers, double-barreled blast. I find the temperature plays a big part in my excretions: on colder days I do more of both, on warmer days not so much.

    To take a leak, I’ll always stop. There’s never an appropriate time or reason to do it PRO style IMHO.

    Somewhere I have a rare pic of Eric Vanderarden hawking a loogie while riding behind behind big Guido Bontempi. His head is straight and he’s in a bunch. Nice.

  20. Cadel has his mojo back! Andy Schlecks is MIA. Awesome ride by the wee man today.

  21. Speaking of beer…

    What kind of clip joint cycling website is this? Shouldn’t there be a “the BEERS” tab in the navigation menu?

    I just tried some Samuel Adams Mighty Oak Ale last night. It was good.

    Carry on.

  22. @Alpin
    Just like last year, you pull through with some outstanding images from France. Merci!

  23. @minion
    Brilliant even if inadvertent.

    @brett

    @Nate

    If it hadn’t been @Oli with the correction I would have persisted in viewing the “mistake” as some sort of bizarre Kiwi antipodean humour.

    I’m an Aussie. Get it right.

    But you live there. Edited in any event.

  24. Woah, that seatpost clamp/area in gold for Sammy Sanchez is the first sharp looking thing I’ve seen on an Orbea.

  25. I dare not read through the posts here as this has got me just a bit queazy pre-breakfast, and knowing that ‘Clops has posted several times, and I’m a little bit afraid at what that could mean, based on his propensity to post pictures of his own underwear and snotcycles without such a perfect forum.

    One thing to add, however, and maybe its in @bretts list but I just didn’t understand the translation from Oz to English, but when you’re stuck in the bunch or can’t swing out of the line but have to blow, just squeeze your nose just above the nostrils and blow low onto your own self. You’re washing your kit later anyway. RIght?

  26. @Nate
    Code fail, dammit.

  27. @Ron

    Woah, that seatpost clamp/area in gold for Sammy Sanchez is the first sharp looking thing I’ve seen on an Orbea.

    …)))) so true !

    that’s the very reason i took this shot…))))

  28. @minion
    I just shot sodapop out my nose reading that. Nice work, sir!

  29. @frank

    I dare not read through the posts here as this has got me just a bit queazy pre-breakfast, and knowing that ‘Clops has posted several times, and I’m a little bit afraid at what that could mean, based on his propensity to post pictures of his own underwear and snotcycles without such a perfect forum.

    One thing to add, however, and maybe its in @bretts list but I just didn’t understand the translation from Oz to English, but when you’re stuck in the bunch or can’t swing out of the line but have to blow, just squeeze your nose just above the nostrils and blow low onto your own self. You’re washing your kit later anyway. RIght?

    Pussy.

  30. @Daccordi Rider

    The pissing thing has always interested me and I assume they get it all over themselves, I can’t work out any way that they can’t! Perhaps they have long hoses. Any advise to the contrary appreciated but I think I will continue with stopping.

    The Mrs Daccordi was 2 years into her cycling career before I taught her the Bushmans blow, now I just need to get her to warn me it’s coming when I am drafting.

    Speaking of long hoses. Check out the podium picture of Wiggo here.
    http://www.steephill.tv/2012/criterium-du-dauphine-libere/photos/stage-01/

    Love to know what the podium girl is thinking. Captions/thought bubbles anyone?

  31. @Ron
    That Orbea is part of a large Basque cooperative is also rather cool, if you ask me. Yes: I know the bikes are made in Asia, but workers owning the means of production and all that””I like the premise.

  32. @wiscot

    @Daccordi Rider

    The pissing thing has always interested me and I assume they get it all over themselves, I can’t work out any way that they can’t! Perhaps they have long hoses. Any advise to the contrary appreciated but I think I will continue with stopping.

    The Mrs Daccordi was 2 years into her cycling career before I taught her the Bushmans blow, now I just need to get her to warn me it’s coming when I am drafting.

    Speaking of long hoses. Check out the podium picture of Wiggo here. http://www.steephill.tv/2012/criterium-du-dauphine-libere/photos/stage-01/

    Love to know what the podium girl is thinking. Captions/thought bubbles anyone?

    “Fuck, not only has he got ginger sideburns and a rolled up sock down the front of his bibs be he also has tats on his hands. I have to kiss that? Oy!”

  33. @minion
    I just shot sodapop out my nose reading that. Nice work, sir!

    @the Engine

    @wiscot

    @Daccordi Rider

    The pissing thing has always interested me and I assume they get it all over themselves, I can’t work out any way that they can’t! Perhaps they have long hoses. Any advise to the contrary appreciated but I think I will continue with stopping.

    The Mrs Daccordi was 2 years into her cycling career before I taught her the Bushmans blow, now I just need to get her to warn me it’s coming when I am drafting.

    Speaking of long hoses. Check out the podium picture of Wiggo here. http://www.steephill.tv/2012/criterium-du-dauphine-libere/photos/stage-01/

    Love to know what the podium girl is thinking. Captions/thought bubbles anyone?

    “Fuck, not only has he got ginger sideburns and a rolled up sock down the front of his bibs be he also has tats on his hands. I have to kiss that? Oy!”

    Goddamnit, did you *have* to go there?

  34. @Xyverz

    @minion
    I just shot sodapop out my nose reading that. Nice work, sir!

    did you shoot that over the shoulder or under the arm?

  35. @frank
    Hate to force you to get elbows deep in this thread, but I did make a polite request for an edit to one of my posts?

    Don’t forget to wash your hands. And apologise to Bretto’s mum.

  36. @wiscot
    Bloody hell, Twiggo thought that stage was exciting too.

    Podium Girl “Farkin Hipsters”

  37. @minion
    Which post is that, sugar tits?

  38. @minion

    @frankHate to force you to get elbows deep in this thread, but I did make a polite request for an edit to one of my posts?
    Don’t forget to wash your hands. And apologise to Bretto’s mum.

    @frank
    I think it would be an excellent use of your time to go back and edit one of Minion’s posts. I mean, I go back and read his old stuff all the time. And I sure would hate to go back and read an old one that was inaccurate. Please Frank, do us all a favor and help out Minion.

    And by the way, GO CADEL!

  39. @wiscot @Daccordi Rider

    Must be a superstition thing with Wiggo.
    If you do well, don’t wash your kit you wore on that day/event as you’ll wash out the ‘goodness’ out of it.
    If you’re going well don’t cut your hair?
    By the end of the tour Wiggo may likely end up looking like this;

    or this;

    At least Robert trims his sideburns!

  40. @sthilzy

    He is a Pom, washing day is Friday I believe.
    Not sure which Friday of the month but probably one of them.

  41. @frank
    Reply #42. it’s probably the funniest thing I’ve posted on this site but was accidental and unintentionally rude.

  42. @Marcus

    @minion

    @frankHate to force you to get elbows deep in this thread, but I did make a polite request for an edit to one of my posts? Don’t forget to wash your hands. And apologise to Bretto’s mum.

    @frank I go back and read his old stuff all the time.And by the way, GO CADEL!

    See when you write stuff like that you can hardly consider it my fault you’re becoming stupider. Supporting Cuddles FFS.

  43. @minion
    When have you ever worried about being rude to Marcus. I reiterate: hilarious.

  44. @silkrider

    @Xyverz

    @minion
    I just shot sodapop out my nose reading that. Nice work, sir!

    did you shoot that over the shoulder or under the arm?

    Sorry, I was laughing too hard to pay attention… Had I been riding, my bars would’ve been covered in sugary goop.

  45. @the Engine

    @Pete F

    @the Engine
    Wobble to the right during snot rocket? Clear sign for unbalanced core strength. Work needed here…

    Could be – I suspect that core strength issues may be at the root of my back problem. I’ll use the leftward snot bias as evidence in my talk with the physio.

    Late breaking news: the physio says that there’s no soft tissue damage, no herniated disc and (if I can hack the indescribable pain) I can get back on my bike.

  46. love this article (I’m a female cyclist). Got the advice from my cycling brother when I started cycling to snot under your arm, unless you were in a race in which case getting the guy on your wheel in the glasses was all part of the sport (and I still stayed with it…and did some racing!). Used to cycle with another girl we all called snotser behind her back (not somewhere you wanted to be actually) as she would persistently snot over her shoulder while in a group and you’d feel spray (ewww) on your face, know it was landing on your bottles etc… tried to have a quiet word with her one day and was told in no uncertain terms to f**k off… charmer…

  47. @winterdancer
    Welcome first off. I have a couple of female riding mates who can snot it up with the best of them, and use good technique; makes me feel better doing it myself in front of them. The ‘snotster’ sounds like a lovely lass though!

  48. In cold weather when breathing hard, exhaled air picks up temperature and moisture from the lungs.  The surfaces of the nose are cold.  Water condenses on those surfaces and creates the massive volumes of snot.  Science.  Gross science, but science.  I’m a one hole out the nose snot shooter.  Since I ride alone mostly it’s no problem.

  49. Great tutorial on this subject released yesterday:

  50. Awesome article.  Well written with equal parts science and hilarity.

    If you have spit to spare in the saddle then you’re not working hard enough…period.

    Snot is a different story though.  We called it the “Nose Jet” when I was a kid – and I’m proud to say that I’m really fucking good at it.  One hand leaves the bars to plug the noncritical nostril.  I look slightly back and aim under the arm and towards the hip…I give myself a  4 or 5 inch window to fire through and never miss.  I’m surprised I’ve never cracked the pavement.

Leave a Reply

Skip to toolbar