Rule #43

I wonder if Rule #43 should be sublimated on our bibs too. It might be my most favorite Rule. Don’t be a jackass. But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.

As a Keeper on the Velominati site, it irritates me that the Velominati are known mostly for The Rules. While we didn’t invent them nor were we the first to list them, our proselytizing has made us synonymous with The Rules. I would hate for us to be known as the exclusive Cyclists rather than the funny Cyclists.

Frank started this site to write about and discuss the beauty of cycling; The Rules were never part of the plan. If someone wants to start something Rules-wise with me, they better hand me the list because I don’t know them. I might possibly have been a more religious person if it all weren’t so deadly serious. And yes, my inability to take things seriously has been brought up too often, usually at annual performance reviews. But I grew up with the daily option of nuclear annihilation hanging over my head. Us kids all started to talk like French philosophers, at eight years old, smoking cigarettes and asking, mon dieu, what iz ze point of life, eh? Our local cub scout pack just fell apart after a few months… really, earning patches to sew on our uniforms? It made no sense to us young nihilists. Zere is no patch for digging an impromptu bomb shelter? Ahh, fuck it, let’s go out into the woods and smoke more cigarettes.

While I occasionally worry about The Rules smothering all other things Velominati, that worry is always quickly buried by the funny back and forth on the site. While some cycling sites are heavily moderated or troll filled, Velominati seems to thrive on the uncensored winding up. We realize arguing about riding one’s bike could make us all seem like jackasses, but at least we are funny jackasses. Long live Rule #43.

And to prove my point, if I had one… this.

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83 Replies to “Rule #43”

  1. @Ron

    @wiscot

    @Ron

    @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    That keeps things simple! Nice way to go about things.

    I think your #2 point should be sent to Maria Sharapova! It’s one thing getting busted, but when the governing body give your repeated notices 4 months before something goes on the banned list and you and your entourage all fail to pay attention, then you get what you deserve. Maybe she thought she was too big to fail, too pretty to dump. Must be a lot of tennis players scanning that list right now.

    Hey, c’mon…a drug given to soldiers in Afghanistan to help with fight/walking at elevation…what good would that do someone sprinting around a tennis court?

    And, the walking HGH borg Serena has come to her defense, even pointing out her courage in admitting it!

    Easy laddie. Serena an HGH borg? My Serena? She likes the gym, FFS!

    Maybe we can get tennis to replace cycling as the dirtiest sport in the mind of the public?

  2. @Neil

    @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    ‘Smokin’ a fag’ even less so. Two nations divided by a common language…

    heheheee. +1 badge right there!

  3. @Gianni

    @Stephen

    But really, the only person who gives a sh*te about the rules is an aging, Vietnam vet tasked with caring for his ex-wife’s dog.

    Please explain. Is this a literary reference I should know and don’t because I’m an illiterate Rouler reading cycling droogy?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-z0Pm7tccvc

    Oh Gianni, and here I actually used to have a bit of respect for you.  Time for another (or perhaps your first???) viewing of a movie every bit as awesome as Dr Strangelove.

  4. @Gianni

    @Ron

    @wiscot

    @Ron

    @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    That keeps things simple! Nice way to go about things.

    I think your #2 point should be sent to Maria Sharapova! It’s one thing getting busted, but when the governing body give your repeated notices 4 months before something goes on the banned list and you and your entourage all fail to pay attention, then you get what you deserve. Maybe she thought she was too big to fail, too pretty to dump. Must be a lot of tennis players scanning that list right now.

    Hey, c’mon…a drug given to soldiers in Afghanistan to help with fight/walking at elevation…what good would that do someone sprinting around a tennis court?

    And, the walking HGH borg Serena has come to her defense, even pointing out her courage in admitting it!

    Easy laddie. Serena an HGH borg? My Serena? She likes the gym, FFS!

    Maybe we can get tennis to replace cycling as the dirtiest sport in the mind of the public?

    “My Serena?”  My Sharona! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78hagv86L3c

  5. @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    Having had my wrists slapped for calling you a lanky poof, I would only use that in the context of smoking. (The American dictionary would seem to be a bit light on the various uses of the word. Also see below)

    Perhaps I should have phrased it as “requiring us to all head off into the woods for a sly smoko” as that should cover most peoples tastes.

    @Teocalli

    @Neil

    @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    ‘Smokin’ a fag’ even less so. Two nations divided by a common language…

    and of course there is bumming a fag………

    Having been to a British boarding school, I’d like to categorically state that I have never bummed a fag.

  6. If you ride with a group of V cultured mates, then Rule #43 is always applied.  We consider jackassery a display of our fondness for each other.  If you ride with us and someone does not break your balls, then you are likely relegated as too fragile of a man or you deserve chivalry because you are a woman.  If you are a man and have close friends, Rule #43 is part of your genetic being.  Every man knows that right?  If you do not agree there is a high probability you have no true friends.

  7. @Ron

    Anyway, I like the Rules and I have a whole set of rules I follow on my own, because I have standards and give a shit. From using phones at inappropriate times to wearing your pajamas to the grocery store, most Americans need MORE rules.

     

    Brown shirts only at the grocery store? Run for office @Ron, you’ve got a winning platform there. Or standards, or shit, or something…

  8. @chris

    Ditto.  Even in English English that one is ambiguous – and both counts were against the rules.  Though I was guilty on the “cadge a cig” count but obeyed my Rule #1 and did not get caught.

  9. @chris

    @Teocalli

    @Neil

    @frank

    @chris

    @gianni perhaps we should have a rule requiring us to all head off to the woods for a sneaky fag when it all gets too serious…

    That doesn’t sound right when read in American English.

    ‘Smokin’ a fag’ even less so. Two nations divided by a common language…

    and of course there is bumming a fag………

    Having been to a British boarding school, I’d like to categorically state that I have never bummed a fag.

    So were you fagged in school or did you have someone younger fag for you? Did you encounter any particularly harsh fagging?

  10. @Neil

    In my case it had been abolished where I went by the time I went through the system.  Given @chris is a wee bit younger then if he did experience it he clearly went to one of the very posh ones that still practiced it!

  11. @Neil@Teocalli

    Formally the system had been abolished but that didn’t mean it had stopped. It was a good school but it wasn’t particularly posh. Scottish farmers and expat kids rather than royalty, the political elite and middle eastern princes.

    In third form I was a fag and then when I was a prefect I had a fag.

    I didn’t get any particularly harsh treatment as a fag although that may have been down to the fact that I was large for my age and good enough at sport that I was already beginning to enjoy a certain level of protection the school’s sporting elite (sporting prowess trumped all else). I’d had harsher treatment during my first two years in the junior house from kids my own age or the year above.

    By the time I’d become a prefect, the system was was dying out and apart from ritually buggering my fag with a poker if my toast wasn’t just so, I don’t think I was anymore of a shit to him than I was to anyone else in the prep room.

     

     

  12. There used to be a shop on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road called “Fags and Mags.” Newsagents apparently.

  13. @wiscot

    There used to be a shop on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road called “Fags and Mags.” Newsagents apparently.

    Glasgow!  I have been trying to call there the last few days working on getting a wheelset built by Big Al!  Bloody cell phone is giving me fits.  Anyways, I spoke with Big Al yesterday and he is AWESOME.  By far the best phone conversation I have had in ages.  Very excited to have him put a set of wheels together for me.  (As for why have them built in Scotland???–I will not have enough money to get them built until this late fall and I am moving to Europe this July so I went with a UK builder. I am planning on visiting @the engine in Glasgow this fall anyways so it will all go together like peas and carrots–although I fuckin hate carrots!)

  14. @Buck Rogers

    @wiscot

    There used to be a shop on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road called “Fags and Mags.” Newsagents apparently.

    Glasgow! I have been trying to call there the last few days working on getting a wheelset built by Big Al! Bloody cell phone is giving me fits. Anyways, I spoke with Big Al yesterday and he is AWESOME. By far the best phone conversation I have had in ages. Very excited to have him put a set of wheels together for me. (As for why have them built in Scotland???–I will not have enough money to get them built until this late fall and I am moving to Europe this July so I went with a UK builder. I am planning on visiting @the engine in Glasgow this fall anyways so it will all go together like peas and carrots–although I fuckin hate carrots!)

    Hey, I’m likely taking a trip to Scotland this July/August. I think we should get together in Glasgow for some pre-ride recovery ales. I know a few good places and no doubt the Engine does too. Let’s keep in touch.

  15. @wiscot

    @Buck Rogers

    @wiscot

    There used to be a shop on Glasgow’s Dumbarton Road called “Fags and Mags.” Newsagents apparently.

    Glasgow! I have been trying to call there the last few days working on getting a wheelset built by Big Al! Bloody cell phone is giving me fits. Anyways, I spoke with Big Al yesterday and he is AWESOME. By far the best phone conversation I have had in ages. Very excited to have him put a set of wheels together for me. (As for why have them built in Scotland???–I will not have enough money to get them built until this late fall and I am moving to Europe this July so I went with a UK builder. I am planning on visiting @the engine in Glasgow this fall anyways so it will all go together like peas and carrots–although I fuckin hate carrots!)

    Hey, I’m likely taking a trip to Scotland this July/August. I think we should get together in Glasgow for some pre-ride recovery ales. I know a few good places and no doubt the Engine does too. Let’s keep in touch.

    Sounds good but we’ll not be there until OCT/NOV timeframe!  We do not even land in Germany until late July!

  16. @Apex Nadir

    Brown shirts only at the grocery store? Run for office @Ron, you’ve got a winning platform there. Or standards, or shit, or something…

    Uhhh, not sure what you are talking, I simply prefer to not see someone’s ass hanging out of their Sponge Bob pajama bottoms at the grocery.

    My political platform is simple: I’d ban cell phones while driving at the Federal level & I’d enforce traffic laws like speed limits, lights on when raining, and using indicators when leaving parking spots, turning, and changing lanes.

  17. @Buck Rogers

    ….. in Glasgow this fall anyways so it will all go together like peas and carrots–although I fuckin hate carrots!)

    Up there more likely like Chips and Gravy if not Mars Bar and a Deep Fat Fryer.

  18. Jackasses, funny or not, tend to shape the rules as they see fit and serve as a good example for the rest of us not to take our “cycling” lives, including rules, too seriously.

    VLV

     

  19.  

    Rules I, V, and X are important, perhaps, but in the big picture isn’t it more important to simply enjoy riding your bike?

  20. @Teocalli

    @Ron

    My educashun taught me the two key rules.

    1. If you break the rules, don’t get caught.

    2. If you get caught, take your punishment without complaining.

    As a corollary, from the cut throat competition found in officer’s candidate school; “Admit nothing, deny everything, make counter accusations.” Words to live by.

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